When the news get too depressing these are the books to read.

Now, where can one find happiness? Always a good place to start is: anywhere a good, sound couple of laughs wash away the alternative, of course. And each of the Tricky Headlines eBooks holds hundreds and hundreds of laughs for the having. Here you can enjoy the hilarious, definitely not politically correct (PC) quips, comments, and invariably irreverent observations of/by S D Rodrian on today's news headlines collected in this ever continuing series of books intended most especially of all for the latest eReaders out there (each & every available tablet, computer, and iPhone you can buy).

In a world of serious, sad, and even quite tragic circumstances (a world in which about the greatest need is & always will remain the need for laughter), humor always is the point of departure here... ever the abiding goal of these forthright takes on today's so very truly tricky headlines.

S D Rodrian

[Below you can read some of their contents.]

Although they aren't really intended for sale until after my death
you may buy advance copies of the ebooks now being compiled, here:

Latter-Day-Musings / S D Rodrian
Barnes And Noble  Walmart  KOBO eBooks  Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)

THE BOOK ON TRUMP
Tricky Headlines 6 / S D Rodrian
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Walmart  Kobo
There is no better book to understand both the follies
and the folly of Donald Trump.

Tricky Headlines 5 / S D Rodrian
Happy Schadenfreudes to You Democrats & Republicans!
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Walmart  Kobo

Tricky Headlines 3 / S D Rodrian
The World Is Funnier Than It Lets On
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Walmart  Kobo

Tricky Headlines 4 / S D Rodrian
Sinful Pleasures of the Anti-Politically Correct
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Walmart  Kobo

Tricky Headlines 1 / S D Rodrian
A profound treatise upon the human condition.
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Walmart  Kobo

Tricky Headlines 2 / S D Rodrian
An Amusing Stare Into The Tragedies of Man.
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Walmart  Kobo

Continuing this flippant series of hilarious eBooks exploiting the apparent inability of the writers & editors of today's "Tricky Headlines" to compose clear, unambiguous copy--Puzzlement, amazement, outrage, and the humor of their folly, silliness, ambiguity, injustice, intent to deceive, along with all the rest of it. Intended for an adult audience (think of these items as comics without the graphics). Every collection suitable to be the ideal reading companion for any seated occasion.
eBook Image

Do buy my eBooks and help me to topple Bill Gates off the top of that swanky Forbes's list. eBook Image

What, you want to get bogged down in some inane novel written by a tiresome pointless novelist, or you wanna laugh at the stupidity of Man?

[You may preview these eBooks at Amazon.com]

       The Kindle Store

              The Perfect Gift
            for friend or enemy
*******************************************************************************************************

       Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at The KOBO Store.

       S D Rodrian's eBooks at Walmart

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       Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at Barnes & Noble.

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You can a rate & review of the Tricky Headlines at Amazon.com, but note the two reviews already there: One verified purchaser of an ebook wrote a four star review saying he/she found it a "funny take on news" although cautioning it is not "very politically correct." While a reviewer named "Clara" (who doesn't appear to have bought the book) writes ungrammatically that "she" found its writing: "So. Horribly. Written. So poorly written. The world is dumber with this book’s publication” as if Tricky Headlines were Tolstoy and not standup--beside leaving one wondering how "Clara" could review a book "she" could never have read, of course. [Reads a bit like Trump, doesn't it.] But don't be a clairvoyant like "Clara." Buy a book and THEN review it.

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  "Remember: If you don't want me to quip
    about you, just stay out of the headlines!
"

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AI poses ‘risk of extinction’, industry leaders warn

Well, if it dies it dies.

Leaders claim that AI is perfectly capable right now of talking us all to death. [And one day soon it may be even more capable than Trump of driving us nuts!]

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Uganda imposes death penalty for ‘aggravated homosexuality’

I'm finding it hard to imagine more homosexual than homosexuality. So, ‘aggravated homosexuality’ must be something like homosexuality along with some regular heterosexual activity on top of it--?

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China sends three into space, says it wants astronauts on moon by 2030

Sez it is very eager to see somebody, anybody, for whatever reason, eager to return to China once out of it.

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The Real Reason Your Groceries Are Getting So Expensive

Grocers are charging more?

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Bear helps itself to 60 cupcakes at a Connecticut bakery

Ironically, he never touched the bear claws. (Maybe he doesn't like raisins.)

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Brazil’s Lula promised to save democracy. Why is he embracing Maduro?

Because Fidel Castro is dead? [How many times I gotta tell you: It's not what they say, it's what they do!]

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ChatGPT ‘hallucinates.’ Some researchers worry it isn’t fixable.

Toddlers also hallucinate at first: That's why you have to set boundaries for them. In the end, all children eventually learn to not question the boundaries of reality from the very real pains (of all sorts) that stepping outside the boundaries of reality inflicts upon them: Pain teaches us that no matter what we might like to imagine, we must all learn to discover and strictly obey the boundaries that reality has set for us. Now, develop a means to inflict pain [in whatever form] on AI and it too will learn that everything outside the boundaries of reality is to be ignored or avoided at all costs and without question in every instance, and with no exception or exemption whatever at all. Just like us.

True, some people never learn the boundaries of reality and remain crazy or 'perverted' deep into adulthood. Some of them even manage to keep their unhinged behavior secret from others and to appear to be perfectly normal (somehow managing to fake their way through their entire lives); and some fail subtly or even spectacularly. But it behooves us to devise a technological methodology to prevent AI from falling into this unfortunate human rabbit hole that plagues us (a sort of technological psychiatry). It's all rather involved but utterly fascinating, and utterly required if we are to keep AI from going off the rails on us. You know, growing up to be a scofflaw like Trump & so many other psychopaths.

Because AI is mostly a software personality, though, it's probable that the solution can be designed as just one more 'master hallucination' to overwhelm & smother all others--that is, give AI a software unshakeable superstition that reality trumps what cannot be proven to be real (all other superstitions). [Or some-such.]

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A.I. Could Bring Humanity To The Brink Of Extinction, Experts Warn

Ha! Same thing they said about bubble gum when it first came out.

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Black Nun Whose Body Shows Little Decay Since 2019 Death Draws Crowds To Rural Missouri

Cindy Crawford's body still seems to be an even bigger draw, though, showing little decay also for far longer than that--

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New Ad Calls On Justice Clarence Thomas To Resign

"Will the thief who's been hotwiring cars around our neighborhood please turn himself in to the cops. Thank you." [Does this ever work?]

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Rare creature – the only one of its kind – spotted wrestling in China, photos show

Oddly, he was wrestling the same exact way that your parents were wrestling that night when as a kid you wandered into their bedroom unexpectedly. "Go back to sleep!"

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Donald Trump Vows To Abolish A Part Of The Constitution On ‘Day One’ If He Wins

And now it's explicitly stated that Donald Trump considers himself above the law. Ask no more.

And if you think he 'can't do it' consider that the debt ceiling statute is nullified by the Constitution as well but is still being faithfully worshipped by all the congressional demons in office.

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Russian President Vladimir Putin accuses Ukraine of 'terrorist activities'

Even for Putin, that's pushing it a bit.

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Russian court prepares way for new trial against jailed Kremlin foe Navalny

Hopefully this time, with a good lawyer, he'll be found innocent.

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Theodoros Pangalos, outspoken Greek former foreign minister, dies at 84

That's it? That's his obit?!? That's what he was best known for?

Waiter: "Your coffee, sir."

Pangalos: "This coffee is too cold. And bitter!"

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These ants build tall nest hills to help show the way home

Myrmecologists said they deduced this after finding lots & lots & lots of itty-bitty teeny-weeny binoculars.

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Miss Manners: What am I supposed to do with olive pits when entertaining?

What I do is: I passionately but very discreetly French my dog and pass them on to him. That way I don't upset my guests.

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The Kremlin’s spokesman, Dmitri S. Peskov, on Wednesday told reporters that Russia “would have preferred to hear at least some words of condemnation” of the drone attack from Western capitals.

Dmitri, Western Capitals have been condemning attacks on civilians since the start of Russia's invasion, in fact. It's just that most of those attacks have been carried out by Russia against Ukrainian civilians, so you've been ignoring them.

The W.H.O. said it had verified 1,004 Russian attacks on health facilities since the full-scale invasion began in February of last year, more than it has recorded in any other humanitarian emergency. Those attacks killed 101 people, including medical workers and patients, and injured many more, the agency said.

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Prosecutors have recording of Trump discussing sensitive Iran document -- The audio features Trump describing a multi-page document that he claims is about possibly attacking Iran, expressing a desire to share that information with others but also making some kind of acknowledgment that he shouldn’t do so, the people said.

Donald Trump is a walking/talking psychopathic danger to everone around him: If Donald Trump knows where you parked your car you'd better hurry up right now and move it before word gets out to car thieves because anything this guy knows is soon passed on to the worst possible elements out there.

Legal Experts Predict Dire Outcome For Donald Trump After Tape Report

Ex-Trump Attorney: Prosecutors Have 'Their Foot On His Neck' In Obstruction Case

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Food poisoning often caused by sick restaurant workers, CDC says

Sick or not, food workers gotta feed their families too, you know! Everybody has to make their own sacrifices where warranted. (Ask your restaurants to pay their sick workers to stay home.) OR: "Mangia! Ammalarsi!"

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Candidate charged with shooting at Democrats’ homes after election loss

If Republicans will stoop to murder for an election, what won't they stoop to!

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Ask Amy: Can I sell collectible items given to me by an ex-friend?

Well, an honorable man would return them to her, of course. But you? You can do anything you want with them: They're yours, right? Bitch gave'em to'ya!

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Marsupials are evolving faster than humans, other animals – study

Yes, but we humans feel that we have evolved enough already! And we're even thinking of going back up the trees where we think we really belong these days. [Let marsupials take it for a while.]

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Trump Is Promising Peace In A Second Term. War With Iran Seems More Likely.

I don't know... like Putin and the Saudis, Iranians know that the way to Trump's heart is through renting lots of Trump properties. And Iranians got enough moola to buy a lot of peace with a second term Trump.

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Ron DeSantis Is Letting Hundreds Of Thousands Of Poor Floridians Lose Health Coverage

In Ron DeSantis's defense: He's counting on their poverty & poor health keeping them from travelling to the polls to vote.

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Did the University of Maryland once make men swim nude in swim class?

You mean before the last gay swimming instructors left?

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YouTube stops deleting false 2020 election claims

Like Trump, they found out that there's just too much money to be made in it.

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Ron DeSantis Is Trying To Prove That He’s A Human

Ah, then he's appealing to Democrats too!

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Here’s How We Can End the War in Ukraine

Pray that the Russian people join the human race someday.

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Man is killed after wearing Nikes accused gang members told him not to wear, feds say

Nothing worse than when the whole gang is trying to tap-dance and one sob comes in wearing sneakers!

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Here’s why a Miami firm recalled 13,000 pounds of chicharrón from New York, other states

Guy lost track of which bag specifically it was he was sticking the roaches into?

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Unfinished projects sat in glassmaker’s workshop for over 1,700 years — until now

Glassmaker said he wanted them done just right.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger Says Heaven Is ‘Fantasy’ And ‘Nothing’ Happens When We Die

Sure, of course, for robots.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger Details Moment He Told Maria Shriver About Maid’s Son

"Marria, I am a fadda. But I have to tell you this: You are not the modda. And I have roof of this, Ya."

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At 90, Broadway legend Chita Rivera looks back on her life

Sez, at 90, she can't run back over her life anymore. Only look.

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Apple unveils Vision Pro, its $3,499 augmented-reality headset

I sit at the park and watch the real world going by. Really! And it doesn't cost me anything.

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How cities are pumping water underground to stop sinking

That explains that whooshing sound every time I walk to the corner store.

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Ask Amy: Is it okay to avoid relationship with sibling who betrayed you?

No it is not! Siblings are the same animal split into the many. You can betray yourself, yes, but you can no more avoid your sibling than you can avoid yourself.

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Miss Manners: Why do people keep asking, ‘Where are you from?’

Did you leave your antennas sticking out the top of your head again?

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When My 8-Year-Old Said These 5 Horrifying Words, I Had To Change Everything About My Parenting

"I'm going to vote Republican."

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Sydney Sweeney Says Her Dad 'Walked Out' After Watching Racy 'Euphoria' Scenes

What is it with dads? They can't watch their daughters being boinked by the occasional bum anymore?!

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In Gun Law Push, Tennessee Governor's Office Memo Says NRA Prefers To 'Round Up Mentally Ill People'

So it's Republican primaries endorsing time again for the NRA?

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Debra Messing Says NBC Boss Pushed Her To Have ‘Big Boobs’ On ‘Will & Grace’

I say let her keep her little boobs: It may save her life someday if she ever has to slip under a locked door & there's just so much room to make it. You don't want to get stuck on a humongous pair of boobs.

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My Girlfriend And I Went To A Sex Party. In The Middle Of An Orgy, I Realized I’m Not Straight.

See! This is why I always make it a point to never go to any orgy; and whether I'm invited to it or not.

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Trump lawyers ask Justice Dept. not to charge Trump in classified docs case

Say they should stop persecuting the mentally ill.

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Miss Manners: Should I correct my relative’s daily texts with typos?

No. When you correct them try not to make any typos.

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God tasked humanity to protect the world He created -KKL-JNF co-chairman

Nonsense! The Bible clearly sez that God told humanity to "go f*ck itself," which is the sole explicit meaning of the Biblical euphemism, "Go forth and multiply."

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Former Porn Star Jenna Jameson Marries Girlfriend Jessi Lawless

You see! This is why women should not have sex with thousands & thousands of men: Eventually they get bored with'em.

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Trump Told He Is Target Of Criminal Investigation Into Classified Documents: Reports

"Impossible!" Sez Trump: "I am the most honest human being living on this planet at this moment in time!"

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What can chimps teach us about the evolution of human communication - study

Probably a lot: Most, if not all, of the teachers I had growing up were chimps.

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When and why did masturbation evolve in primates? A new study provides clues

The minute their arms grew long enough.

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Crocodile found to have made herself pregnant

Crocodile can do stuff just by thinking about it like Trump.

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Only five percent of lawyers are Black. This attorney wants to change that.

Great, another guy wants to corrupt African-Americans!

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These academics studied falsehoods spread by Trump and others. Now the GOP is scrutinizing them.

GOP want to find out how to tell better lies, or how to tell their lies better?

Politicians have always been slipping a lie here & there, now & again; but Donald Trump & his cohorts lie all the time, everywhere & about everything. What we found out is that the populace is mostly made up of suckers, idiots, & dolts, apparently.

Tucker Carlson’s New Twitter Show, Seen By Millions, Starts With Conspiracy Theories

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Trump’s indictment video features a litany of favorite falsehoods

They wrote 'falsehoods' so that you wouldn't think they meant that the respectable & honorable Mister Trump is telling 'lies' to people, of course.

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Scientists tracked what animals did when humans stayed home during the pandemic

I don't know about all the other animals, but my dog Pedro had to learn how to play Pinochle. And got too darn good at it, if you ask me.

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Indiana Police Officer Reportedly Fired For Racist Posts After 2 Days On The Job

Indiana police officers are only allowed to post their racism after three days on the job.

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I Grew Up A Devout Mormon. Then A Shocking Family Secret Came Out And Shook My Faith.

"We're not really Jewish!"

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Trump Asks Judge To Cut $5 Million Award In E. Jean Carroll Case

Sez he would learn his lesson [to not rape any more women] for a lot less than $5 million, "Swear to God!"

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Taye Diggs Says A Psychic Once Told Him Girlfriend Apryl Jones Is ‘The One’

The one who slipped her the $20?

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TikToker Arrested After Allegedly Breaking Into Busch Gardens, Entering Alligator Pit

Alligator called 911.

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GOP Rushes To Trump’s Defense After He Is Indicted For A Second Time

They may sooner or later need the favor returned.

‘I AM AN INNOCENT MAN!’ Trump Erupts Over Indictment News

He will soon also be known as 'THE MOST OFTEN INDICTED MAN!'

A Former U.S. President Faces Federal Charges for the First Time in History

Okay, so none of the other presidents were out-&-out criminals before lifelong scofflaw Donald Trump came along. There's always a first.

Republicans in Congress are decrying the indictment, vowing retaliation.

"We stand by our man against the people of the United States of America!" Sad, but true.

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Belarus leader: Wouldn't hesitate to use Russian nuclear weapons to repel aggression

A lot of neighboring countries been trying to invade Belarus in the past 70 years?...

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How Many Indictments Will It Take to Hold Trump Accountable?

At least 147, and we'll probably get close to that by around the end of this Summer.

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Video Shows Police Investigating 911 Call About UFO, ‘Not Human’ Creatures

"Ma'am, those are kittens."

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What will it take for Ukraine's offensive to succeed?

Apparently the only thing that Putin is really after in Ukraine: To see as many people killed, maimed, and brutally savaged there as is inhumanly possible. [Don't you just hate it when a serial murderer becomes Head of State!]

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Eric Holder Says It Would Be 'Absurd' For Trump To Serve As President If Convicted

Actually, having Trump serving inside a maximum security prison might be the best of all possible scenarios (if Trump really is elected again).

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Nikki Haley On Federal Indictment: If True, Trump Was ‘Incredibly Reckless’

Yeah. Especially if he got any Americans risking their lives for their country out there killed. Terribly reckless of him, old girl.

‘Horrifying’: Intel Experts Fear The Human Costs Of Trump’s Document Handling

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Woman declared dead in Ecuador revives during her wake; health authorities investigate

See. This is why you should bury people soon as you can. That way if they revive in their coffins it won't upset anyone.

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Taylor Swift ate a bug by accident — just like everyone else every day

"Sorry, madam. That bug was intended for the next table. Naturally, there will be no charge for the bug."

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Lindsey Graham and the GOP’s amazing spin: At least Trump isn’t a spy

Unless he is, of course. Then, it's OK too.

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If the United States can spy on China, why can’t China spy on the U.S.?

Because in China the U.S. can't spy on China, that's why in the U.S. China can't spy on the U.S. [It's really simple: China can spy on the U.S, just not in the U.S.; and the U.S. can spy on China, just not in China.] Now, are we all clear on that! "But why would China spy in the U.S. in China?" [Shut up!]

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British man detained after climbing 72nd floor of Seoul skyscraper

British 'second storey man' told police he just got lost.

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The dos and don’ts of using home security cameras that see everything

1) Keep your naked Hulas for inside the shower

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Ask Amy: Husband is upset I agreed to babysit without consulting him

Tell your husband that if he wasn't such a baby you wouldn't have to babysit him in the first place!

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Miss Manners: My married friends constantly bicker in front of me

Sounds like somebody's angling for a threesome.

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Bunga-bunga bromance: Berlusconi was one of Putin’s best pals in Europe

Putin, Trump, Berlusconi, the bastards of the world are finally getting theirs.

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Trump is 'toast' if classified records case is proven, ex-attorney general says

And all these years Trump sought the right tanning lotion! Now Bill Barr sez the poor guy overdid it with this last one--

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Photos Show Where Trump Stored Documents, Including Next To A Toilet

You have to understand that Trump has always been a very cheap guy, and toilet paper is extraordinarily expensive these days.

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Ex-Prosecutor On Trump Indictment: He Could Spend ‘The Rest Of His Life’ In Prison

I'll be blown away if he does a day in prison: This will be a game of running out the clock, and old geezer Donald Trump doesn't really have all that much time left he needs to run out anyway.

Besides which his lawyers can always make a pretty strong case that Donald Trump is just way too stupid to understand he was doing damage to national security (he has a clear record of not knowing what national security is). Put him on the stand and ask him how many presidents are allowed to serve at any given moment, and time how long it takes him to answer--That alone should settle the matter right then & there.

"Well, I'm the real president, you know. But they're also saying that Biden is president too--"

A plea of diminished capacity is Donald Trump's best bet.

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Do plants have emotions? This philosopher argues for it in a new book.

I know I punched a tomato once and it bled all over practically everybody in the room.

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Why we should ban smartphones in schools

Because nothing 'smart' belongs in our schools?

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Gladiator sequel crew members injured in stunt sequence on set

Producers thought it would look more real if they didn't tell the extras that they'd be fighting real lions.

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Trump says he 'did nothing wrong'

Okay. That's about as close as it's ever going to get to the usual apprehended perp's, "I didn't do nothing, man! I didn't do nothing!" (that we are ever going to get from Trump). Book'im!

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Watch: Driving test ends with crash into lamp-post

"Well, the brakes could use some work. But, yeah, I'll take it."

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Trump took nuclear secrets and kept files in shower, charges say

Well, maybe he wanted to attract people in there when he showered and there wasn't any other way. Everybody knows Russian spies sometimes have to do some really dirty nasty things for Putin. [Have you thought about that?]

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Pence Berates DOJ For Indicting Trump Over Handling Of Top-Secret Documents

Sez Trump is the sweetest guy alive and wouldn't harm a fly (he even let one live out its entire life on top of Pence's head). Pence sez it was the one thing about himself that always seem to bring a smile to Trump's face every time he saw him.

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Trump Supporters’ Violent Rhetoric in His Defense Disturbs Experts

Look, if we're running out of prisons: Build more! All societies have to change with the times.

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Trump’s path to indictment: ‘Isn’t it better if there are no documents?’

Isn't that always the way of the illiterate!

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Man confronts and shouts at Brittney Griner at Dallas airport

That's how it always is when a midget meets her.

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We must give Tucker Carlson an exit ramp

We must give Tucker Carlson a garbage can in which Tucker Carlson can fit comfortably. And a tightly locking cover for it.

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Are Americans Really That Dumb?

Do you really have to ask!?!

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Two Trump Lawyers, Including One Who Defended Him On TV Last Night, Have Resigned

Wassamatter with these lawyers nowadays? They don't seem to want to go to jail with their client co-conspirators anymore!

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Is it safe to exercise outdoors when the air quality is bad?

Absolutely. And if you happen to fall down dead: Even better still--Now you'll never have to exercise ever again.

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Ask Amy: We moved for husband’s job and now he’s contacting his exes

Ah, a job move with fringe benefits! Relax! Sex is like going to the bathroom: An animal needs to go to the bahroom now & again. You're getting all worked up just because your husband is using different bathrooms out there.

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The quote that distills why Donald Trump is facing federal indictment

"Because I'm smart." --Donald Trump.

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Live updates: Trump criminal indictment is unsealed, shows he faces 37 charges

Just only 37 counts?!?

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They left California to escape wildfires. Then New York turned orange.

They is a Jonah!

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Trump kept classified documents in a bathroom, a bedroom, and a ballroom, indictment says

He had to have something to read in the can. It's not like his retainers were all in there with him keeping up with his lies (listening to his stories).

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Nixon Historian Says New Trump Indictment Boils Down To 1 Thing

1) Did they make sure that they indicted the correct Donald Trump and not some poor schmuck by mistake who happens to also be named Donald Trump?

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Taylor Swift ate a bug by accident — just like everyone else every day

That's why I have always followed my grandmother's dictum: "If you wanna keep flies out your mouth, shut up!"

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Wildfires reignite calls for Biden to declare a climate emergency

That may take a while. Mister Biden is now thinking about maybe taking a shower, or perhaps waiting a couple of hours after he eats lunch first...

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MORE: Trump Indicted For Taking Top-Secret Documents To His Mar-A-Lago Social Club

In Trump's defense: He was only showing the stuff to his 'A list' top-paying guests there. The riff-raff saw nothing.

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The More Opposition Trump Faces, the More Popular He Becomes, and He Knows It

Yes, but popular with fewer & fewer nutcases. And he also knows this: See his sweating? The brown spots on the back of his pants...

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Former President Trump assailed Hillary Clinton for her handling of sensitive information. Now, he faces the same issue.

Good. That means they won't have to write a whole new song for him. Just sing the same old, "Lock him up! Lock him up!"

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Miss Manners: I don’t drink. How do I answer, ‘What are you drinking?’

"Just a burger, please."

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Carolyn Hax: Grandparents want help hiding their bigotry from the kids

Just tell them the truth: Everybody was a bigot in their day.

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Casket of ex-Premier Silvio Berlusconi is brought into Milan’s Duomo cathedral for his state funeral as crowds applaud

Good thing he's dead so he couldn't hear people being so rude.

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Soon We Won’t Have Enough Kids to Fill Our Schools. That’s a Problem.

Fill them with illiterate Republican adults. That's solving America's greatest problem right there.

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This alien ocean is the first known to have all elements crucial for life

Including boats?!?

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Ask Sahaj: My father-in-law keeps offering to ‘save our souls’ from hell

Well, did you ask for an estimate? Most churches can do the same job but, with inflation, their cost these days is astronomical.

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Bill Cosby Sued By 9 More Women For Alleged Decades-Old Sexual Assaults

Hey, hey, hey: Everybody always said that the last years of life were gonna be crappy anyway.

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Paul McCartney's unseen photographs

Are these from his BBQ'ing In The Nude album? Because Paul McCartney's been an old geezer for decades now...

****************************************************

Sen. Lindsey Graham Answers Whether He’s In A Trump 'Cult'

Then he started winking nervously in a very twitchy way... like he was trying to signal something to us!

****************************************************

How can you tell if your baby is dehydrated?

1) He's grabbing at every woman's breast that's going by--

****************************************************

Pope Francis orders Pope Benedict ex-aide to leave Vatican

Sez all that German is giving people the impression that there's cursing going on in the Vatican.

****************************************************

Poland has done what it can to stop fish dying in Oder river

Posting No Swimming Allowed signs and even mouth-to-mouth resuscitations. They keep dying anyway.

****************************************************

Scientists successfully create synthetic human fetus

It is guaranteed 100% polyester.

****************************************************

Rosie O’Donnell Explains Why She Has A ‘Weird’ Relationship With Ellen DeGeneres

They both love cat but they don't like the restaurant where they serve it?

****************************************************

As Trump is arrested, Republicans honor the insurrectionists

At a different time 'these people' would have honored the Confederates. Same thing here, 'these people' just never got over honoring (and never seem to get over honoring) 'the rebels' against the United States of America. [Understand that, and you will understand which side you're on.]

****************************************************

Merrick Garland needs to explain the timing of the Trump indictment

God needs to explain that timing. You know: Somebody commits a crime, then the cops get after him, then the judicial system prepares the indictment, then the judge sets a trial date. It's all a religious undertaking which God sets up to suit His Schedule, not Merrick Garland's.

****************************************************

I Lost My Job Because I Wouldn’t Let My Employer Hit My Toddler

What would it've hurt you to let him take a coupla whacks at your kid with a two-by-four?

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A new treatment for erectile dysfunction isn’t a pill. It’s a gel.

Republicans are pushing everything back in time, so why not this too?

****************************************************

Man Harasses 9-Year-Old At Track Meet, Demands She Prove Her Gender

Maybe he was from the Gender Gestapo [GGOP] Old People.

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Vermont Man Charged With Killing Mom At Sea Over Inheritance Dies Awaiting Trial

What a shame. If he'd only waited a little bit longer he wouldn't have had to murder his Mom.

****************************************************

Trump Promised ‘Food For Everybody’ At Miami Restaurant And Then Reportedly Skipped

Everybody there said that's the first time they had ever known Trump to do such a thing in his entire life. [They also all said that they were going to vote for him again & again & again.]

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Wild horse dies ‘instantaneously’ while mating on Outer Banks beach, officials say

Same thing happened to my uncle Bennie. But he managed to hang on long enough.

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'Smiling' snailfish spotted by deep-sea explorers

Divers say it'd just pooped.

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Late British novelist Martin Amis knighted by King Charles in his first birthday honors list

They can do that!? They can knight you just like that after you're dead without even asking your permission or anything?! Jesus!

****************************************************

Is It Bad to Wash Your Hair Every Day?

You didn't say where in your body that hair you're thinking of not washing every day was--

****************************************************

My Sister-in-Law Spent All Her Parents’ Money When She Took Them In. Now She Wants More!

Well, if they still have any blood left in'em maybe she can sell that.

****************************************************

I Won’t Let Donald Trump Invade My Brain

You're missing a marvelous opportunity: He's 10 times better than any psychedelic drug (he's practically 100% psycho).

****************************************************

Ask Amy: Neighbor posted on Facebook about my loud music instead of talking to me

I'm sorry, but: How the Devil was he gonna talk to you over all that loud music!?!

****************************************************

She was at Dollar General in just a towel — and then it came off, Florida police say

She didn't have a dollar. Then, just like that, she had a whole bunch of'em.

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What happens when we die? Not even Ken Jennings has the answer.

When you die you go up to Heaven's Front Gate, where Saint Peter is waiting to fingerprint and take your mug shot; then he looks you up in his computer to see where the Hell you're going. Everybody knows that.

****************************************************

Ex-Advisor Reveals Trump’s ‘Very Disturbing’ Habit With Classified Documents

He'd pick his teeth with them. Even after Malania often whacked him up the side of his head for it.

****************************************************

'God is queer' says German Protestant pastor at conference

Which certainly puts a new spin on his own personal relationship with God.

****************************************************

Why are orcas attacking boats? Hint: It’s not a war on humans.

Don't read this article: It doesn't answer the question it asks. It's simply a 'could be this/could be that' waste of time. The headline should have read: "Gee! I wonder why..."

****************************************************

Texas is in the thick of a brutal and prolonged heat wave

Which is God's punishment for voting Republican.

****************************************************

Woman dies days after being found alive in coffin

Family now trying to get back the coffin they returned. And for a discount: "It's used."

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Iraq displays returned 2,800-year-old stone tablet

The inscription translates as: "Eureka! 2 plus 2 equals 4" [It marks a pivotal moment in mathematics.]

****************************************************

Brain chips to be tested on humans this year, Elon Musk says

Sez by 2025 all Tesla employees will be required to have one.

****************************************************

The night three Beatles showed up for Daniel Ellsberg’s birthday

Well, if they walked all over the birthday cake that would explain why so few party goers ate any of it.

****************************************************

Scientists have a controversial theory for how — and how fast — Earth formed

Actually, what I really wanted to know is how--and how fast--it's ending.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax chat: My dad has sugar babies and my mom has no idea

Don't worry, soon all his teeth will fall out and then the problem will solve itself.

****************************************************

What happens when we die? Not even Ken Jennings has the answer.

When we die everything stops happening. Relax!

****************************************************

Restaurant used fake priest to hear workers’ confessions, feds say

"Bless me, Father, for I have stolen $2.50 from the restaurant for which we work..."

****************************************************

Emancipation Proclamation To Be Permanently Featured At National Archives

National Archives sez a lot of Republicans still can't believe the slaves were really freed. [Echo chambers are really deafening.]

****************************************************

Ask Amy: Why are all the men I date so argumentative?

Do you even hear yourself talking!

****************************************************

What did African leaders' Ukraine mission achieve?

A nice European vacation with a marvelous fireworks display thrown in (in Ukraine).

****************************************************

HUH: Pence Expected Trump Would ‘Come Around’ To Accepting 2020 Election Defeat

That may also explain why Pence never bothered to swat away that fly on his head. It would have driven me batty!

****************************************************

Adele Says She’s Developed ‘Jock Itch’ From Performing Under Hot Lights

Well, I don't see how doing it in the dark might help. But she should at least try it for a few nights. [Telling her jocks to bathe wouldn't hurt either.]

****************************************************

This continent is the fastest-warming on the planet, according to new report -- Europe has been warming twice as much as the global average since the 1980s

It's all those hot-blooded Spaniards and Italians there. And those hot-head Germans and French people there aren't helping any either!

****************************************************

Ketanji Brown Jackson’s ancestors were enslaved. Her husband’s were enslavers.

And their descendants will have enslaved themselves! I guess what goes around does come around.

****************************************************

In an Unusual Step, Justice Alito Defends Luxury Trip With Billionaire

Where are all these Supreme Court Justices getting their billionaire friends? The only friends I ever seem to pick up are bus stop bench warmers, assorted bric-a-brac salesmen, and the occasional bum! [What could be so attractive about a Supreme Court Justice to a billionaire?!?]

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Miss Manners: Friends talk about parties I wasn’t invited to around me

Well, if you were never invited to ANY party, that might explain it right there.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: Friends will not stop taking photos when they visit

Perhaps you're just someone who is hard to describe.

****************************************************

Your Brain Has Tricked You Into Thinking Everything Is Worse

How do you like that! My bank account is in cahoots with my brain.

****************************************************

Rep. Boebert introduces long-shot resolution to impeach President Biden

President Biden should be impeached for trying to put the blame for tripping on whatever he tripped on.

****************************************************

After Europe forges ahead on AI, Schumer starts ‘all hands on deck’ effort in Congress

It is very understandable that the slow-witted never seem to stop worrying about intelligence, artificial or otherwise. God bless their little... hearts!

****************************************************

The national debt passes $32 trillion, with nary an answer in sight

The national debt is like the number of breaths you're taken in your life: Stop thinking about it!

****************************************************

China Says Biden Comments Likening Leader Xi To A Dictator ‘Absurd And Irresponsible’

Sez Xi is a stalwart defender of one-man-one-vote democracy and tireless fighter against armed militant Mafias like the Communist Party corruptly hanging on to power in a country.

****************************************************

The Largest and Fastest Religious Shift in America Is Well Underway

Let's hope it's the Evangelicals finally going back to being Christians. It's been a long time coming!

****************************************************

Chris Christie Is Doing Something Very, Very Important

If he's scratching his belly, yes, I suppose that's very, very important to Chris Christie.

****************************************************

Donald Trump’s Ex-Lawyer On Documents Case Has Pithy Advice For Trump

Trump responds: "He no longer works for me, so I assume his advice is free, right?"

****************************************************

Ask Amy: Aunt wants to greet niece the right way after gender transition

1) "Honey, I'm paying off all your bills in full!"

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Our best friends are closer to my wife than to me. Carolyn Hax readers give advice.

When you're smoking in their houses, don't take off your shoes AND socks. "I don't do that then how am I gonna hold my tube when I have my hands full?"

****************************************************

House moves forward with measure to censure Adam Schiff

Say that he's making the rest of'em look bad, especially all the graceless obnoxious punks (GOP) in there.

House Democrat Gives ‘Party Of George Santos’ A Brutal Reality Check Over Schiff Vote

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Joe Rogan wants a ‘debate’ on vaccines. That’s just the problem.

[Dude, that debate has already taken place--between doctors and other medical scientists.] What Joe Rogan and other dangerous clueless morons like him want is a debate between doctors and shoe-shine boys, or doctors and real-estate promoters, or doctors and former car salesmen & such & such. And such 'debates' are always suicidal for a society. Always only heed newspeople who have been thoroughly vetted by long stable careers with well-respected professional news organizations. (Not FOX, of course.)

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Miss Manners: How do I politely decline being photographed at events?

Go around eating your boogers: Everybody will try everything in their power to keep you out of their pics.

****************************************************

17 Columnists Pick the One TV Show, Movie, Book or Song That Explains America

1) The Beverly Hillbillies

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Russia accuses Wagner chief of urging 'armed mutiny'

"Hello Mister Prigozhin, I'm Alexei Navalny. What brings you here?"

****************************************************

Dingo bites tourist sunbathing in Australia

Dingo thought he was running off with a sausage. [Those are the perils of the nude life in Australia.]

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Ron DeSantis: My Supreme Court Picks Would Be Just Like Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito

Sez that corruption is the grease that binds the nation!

At this point in time it would be foolhardy to trust any Republican with the reins of power.

****************************************************

Why This Economist Wants to Give Every Poor Child $50,000

I don't think that's gonna work: The reason $50,000 dollars is worth $50,000 dollars is because so few people have it. And the reason dirt ain't worth much is because everybody can find it everywhere, for nothing.

If you really want to help every poor child then institutionalize the means that bring them out of poverty, like universal [affordable to all] good health care and proper education.

****************************************************

Daniel Ellsberg leaked his Vietnam secrets to senators first. They balked.

Which is the best of all possible explanations why you cannot have a free goverment without a free press, and not just the politicos 'who represent us' (and not even if they swear up & down their entire lives to not just be in it for themselves).

****************************************************

Why wasn’t Hillary Clinton also indicted, Trump asks. Here’s why.

Answer: Hillary Clinton walked out of the store with a little thing that fell in her purse when she wasn't looking, after she was warned not to walk around the store with her purse open. Donald Trump, on the other hand, backed up his truck to the store one night and piled into it everything that wasn't nailed down in there, then stashed it all away in his many secret hiding places so the cops wouldn't find any of it: They did. Donald Trump might not do any time in jail for it because this is America after all, but he's still the biggest criminal of them all by a yard.

A former prosecutor explains what surprised her most about Trump’s indictment

Dem Senator Says New Filing In Trump Documents Case May Spell 'Real Trouble'

It’s Not Too Late for the Republican Party

‘This Is Still Secret’: CNN Obtains Audio Of Trump Discussing Sensitive Military Document

'Sociopathic Criminal': George Conway Says Tape Is Newest Nail In Trump's Coffin

****************************************************

During the Cold War, the CIA Secretly Plucked a Soviet Submarine From the Ocean Floor Using a Giant Claw

And discovered that it was hollow inside just like the American ones.

****************************************************

Why do Jewish extremists spit on Christian clergy in Jerusalem's Old City?

Clearly because Jewish extremists are not very decent chaps.

****************************************************

What will Putin do next? And other key questions

I think what the mad little comic opera that we just witnessed in Russia was probably supreme conspirator Vladimir Putin's idiotic composed & orchestrated plot to quit the Ukrainian war he now knows is his supreme folly and blame it on designated stooges: Putin will now 'discover' that what Prigozhin claimed 'is actually true' and that he was duped into starting the Ukrainian war in the first place by evil hangers-on. Heads will roll of course, just not Putin's and his co-conspirator Prigozhin's.

Prigozhin is a bad actor (and I mean that his acting abilities are also quite awful), and Putin surely must have cringed at some of Prigozhin's over-the-top breast-beating performances, but he did the job Putin paid him to do: Prigozhin is now retired to Belarus, which is really western Russia, there to enjoy his billions (or he may travel Africa & other Wagner strongholds)... if Putin doesn't poison him to shut him up permanently.

Eventually, sooner or later, Putin will seek the best deal he can extract from Ukraine for withdrawing and everything will go back to normal in the world: Putin will be embraced again by the West, and the money will roll in once again! Too bad that Putin did not choose to become Ringmaster of the Moscow Circus instead! What marvelous little sideshows we might not have been regaled with!

****************************************************

A scientist's 4-decade quest to save the biggest monkey in the Americas

Look, if all the Republicans in the world can't save Donald Trump what makes this scientist think he can!

****************************************************

Signs of butchery, possible cannibalism found on ancient human relative’s bone

I guess we have come a long ways since: I don't remember hearing of large scale cannibalism in the world now since around the Second World War.

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Miss Manners: Should we lie to people not invited to our annual party?

Absolutely not! You should lie to everybody, not just to them.

****************************************************

A dog has retrieved 155 discs from woods. They’ll be on sale soon.

Dog sez he's gonna tell everybody that they fell off the back of a truck that was driving through the woods.

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Ron DeSantis says he’ll end birthright citizenship as president

Great, yet another GOP nut who thinks he's above the Constitution. Don't these people learn anything in grade school?

****************************************************

Liz Cheney on what’s wrong with politics: ‘We’re electing idiots’

Yes, but, on the positive side, at least we're still electing people like us to represent us.

****************************************************

Despite the odds against him, Mike Pence perseveres

Apparently the story of a boy and his fly is not a sexual one.

****************************************************

Stimulating hair growth possible within skin moles - study

Personally I don't see the charm of lots more hairy moles on your body, myself.

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How ‘Being Animal’ Could Help Us Be Better Humans

I for one smell still worse stuff coming out of us.

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A Proto-Pizza Emerges From a Fresco on a Pompeii Wall

"One proto-pizza, please: No cheese, no tomatoes. Heavy on the watermelons and pears."

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Ben-Gvir: Settlers who torched Palestinian villages are 'sweet boys'

Wow! What a coincidence! That's exactly what Hamas sez about the Palestinians who murder Israeli villagers.

****************************************************

A room-by-room guide to finding and dealing with mold in your home

No problem there: We always know where Uncle Pepe is. Dealing with him is a different kettle of beer, though.

****************************************************

China, in swipe at U.S., accuses Western nations of ‘sowing division’

Yeah! Why can't they just all come under a single dictator, like China?

****************************************************

How Hard Could It Be to Translate a Picture Book?

Well, a picture is worth a thousand words. So, if the book has but just only ten pictures, that's a 10,000 word picture book right there!

****************************************************

Something Was Messing With Earth’s Axis. The Answer Has to Do With Us.

People in the Northern Hemisphere are getting fatter than the people in the Southern Hemisphere. That'll do it.

****************************************************

A torn ACL can heal itself, new study shows. Surgeons disagree.

Say that every torn ACL that heals itself is money out their pockets.

****************************************************

Covid taught me what life might look like after death

Well, you're gonna be needing eyes for that, and yours'll be a'moulding in the grave then. So don't fret none.

****************************************************

Trump countersues E Jean Carroll for defamation

Aren't judges supposed to put a quick end to frivolous lawsuits?

****************************************************

DeSantis Says He ‘Didn’t Enjoy’ Deadly Jan. 6 Insurrection, But Urges People To Move On

Ah, the ole Putin-Prigozhin Coup Resolution.

****************************************************

Yesterday’s Putin Is Gone

No more Mister Nice-Guy!

****************************************************

Hundreds of Md. parents protest lessons they say offend their faiths

"We're Devil Worshippers and they're trying to teach our kids to be little angels!"

****************************************************

7 mistakes that could ruin your compost

1) the cops tricking you into telling them who's in it

****************************************************

If we cannot trust our former presidents, whom can we trust?

I'm sorry, but, exactly which part of our political or civil system is built on trust? Trust is something fools grant to idiots and which everybody almost always lives to regret.

The American system of governing is built on the ever-ongoing never-ceasing pursuit of closing the loopholes and sealing up the leaks which the Founders did not know existed or which might open at some date in some future beyond their cognizance.

Supreme Court Rejects Radical Independent State Legislature Theory

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What makes a brand successful? – study

Advertising! People'll eat shit if it's properly advertised to them, especially by a big-boobed blond during a popular TV show.

****************************************************

Folger Shakespeare Library director to step down by next summer

"Tomorrow & tomorrow & tomorrow creeps in this petty pace--Ew, I'm quitt'n!"

****************************************************

Ask a Doctor: A tick bit me. What do I do now?

If you were raised in polite society you will write it a thank you note. Otherwise you'll probably just scratch no better than a common cur.

****************************************************

Grandma-to-be overdoes it with the baby gifts. Carolyn Hax readers give advice.

That's what you're complaining about!?! My Granny used to treat me like Queen Victoria treated her worst bootblack, only worse. She was nuts, but still--

****************************************************

‘The Flash’ was supposed to be an easy billion at the box office. Why did it bomb?

It went by too fast.

****************************************************

I Know What Drives People to the Depths of the Ocean

Curiosity! Same thing that killed the cat.

****************************************************

Miss Manners: How do I get my mother-in-law to stop patting my head?

Pat her head back at'er. If that doesn't work, pat her behind. And if that still doesn't work, I have a few other saucy suggestions. Or, you could just ask her not to pat your head.

****************************************************

Iowa’s English-only policy crashes into reality

Nobody speaks English in Iowa anymore.

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Carolyn Hax chat: Do I get a say in whether my wife cuts off her family?

You can have a say--or you can have a nice, quiet, comfortable life. I never try to have any say in any of my wife's crazy business(es), so I lead a nice, guiet, comfortable life. Last year she wanted to put me in a home, so I went. Then she brought me back because she didn't have anybody to talk to. so I came back.

****************************************************

Why does Mike Pence bother?

Because sometimes the universe just needs somebody to laugh at.

****************************************************

The Trump classified-document audio may be worse than we thought

Trump's epitaph may be: "He was worse than we thought."

****************************************************

DeSantis agency sent $92 million in covid relief funds to donor-backed project

Donald Trump's party has finally proved the old adage that if you want to know who someone is look at who he's with. The GOP should just stop the pretense & adopt the motto: "If you want really outrageous corruption vote Republican!"

****************************************************

How to Deal with the Coming Social Security Shortfall

Ignore it: That's worked for the past 87 years.

****************************************************

Will Texas become too hot for humans?

Not if there's any money to be made there. No.

****************************************************

The corrupt N.Y. congressman who was sentenced to prison — and escaped

To become Donald Trump's most important adviser?

****************************************************

Want to avoid those pesky carry-on fees? Be your own suitcase.

I tried this at a clothing store but they caught me at the exit door. I certainly don't wanna go through a stripping like that again!

****************************************************

He meant to donate $150 to a charity. He mistakenly gave $15,000.

This is no problem for me: I can mistakenly give 15 million dollars to any charity in the world & it's not getting a penny (more than the $5.15 I presently have in my bank account).

****************************************************

Ask Amy: I am struggling to make myself leave the house

In cases like these I always recommend not paying the rent: All kinds of people will come help you out of the house.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: Friend is lying about college graduation. Confront her?

You must! As a member of the College Graduation Gestapo (CGG) it is your sworn duty.

****************************************************

How to fight China’s memory-holing of the Uyghur genocide

Please: Culturicide, not genocide! [There is no worse word to go up from genocide. So please don't use it for, say, a traffic stop!]

****************************************************

How I learned to love toxic chemicals

I use the old spoonful of sugar standby myself.

****************************************************

Ukraine says Putin is planning a nuclear disaster. These people live nearby.

Ah, the joys of living next to Russia!

****************************************************

The world's most loyal dog turns 100

Dog: "I just wanted to live to see the old son of a bitch die."

****************************************************

Watch: Dark matter mission blasts off into space

Scientists say that even if it can't find any Dark Matter in its voyage at least it might yet get to see The Wizard.

****************************************************

Poll: Protecting environment for future generations not priority for GOP

I think they know they're not going to be around for long; so the GOP's philosophy is grab everything you can and get the hell out.

****************************************************

The 5 Biggest Early Warning Signs You Have Insomnia

1) you wake up in the morning without having slept at all the night before

****************************************************

Here’s The Real Reason You Stop Liking Someone As Soon As They Like You Back

They start to love coming over to your house to mooch off you as often as you love going over to theirs to mooch off them!

****************************************************

The Only Instructions You’ll Ever Need To Grill The Perfect Burger

Turn ON the grill.

****************************************************

Stephanie Grisham Says It's Plausible That Trump Showed Off Top Secret Docs

You mean like he was recorded doing? Sure.

****************************************************

I Haven't Spoken To My Family In Years. People Think I'm A Monster — Here's The Truth.

"I find it very comfortable down here in the cellar and have all my food delivered. So I don't really have to go up and speak to those people up there--which is also why I only grunt at them through the door now. I'm no monster."

****************************************************

No One Can Stop Rupert Murdoch. That’s Increasingly a Problem.

That's not the problem! The problem is that I can't seem to win the damn lottery no matter how many tickets I buy!

****************************************************

Hand odor can reveal a person’s gender to aid in forensic evidence - study

Sniff! "I know what you've been handling--I mean, what gender you are."

****************************************************

Should we trust AI to predict natural disasters?

No. We should use it for porn: Natural disasters are going to happen whether we predict them or not.

****************************************************

Miss Manners: I am not going to a fundraiser with bad food

Yes! Leave it at home. People at the fundraiser will thank you.

****************************************************

Secret Service investigating suspected cocaine found in White House

Joe Biden HAS been looking a little loopy lately.

****************************************************

GOP Sen. Tom Cotton Demands Answers About Cocaine Found At White House

Are they going to return it to him or not?

****************************************************

Trump raises $35 million in second quarter, advisers say

You know, if Trump had gone into the political racket before losing all his old man's billions in all those stupid real estate 'deals' [blunders] of his he'd be a very rich man today. [But he'd still be heading for prison, because, you know: It's his karma.]

****************************************************

MLB suspends Yankees reliever Jimmy Cordero for the rest of the season

If Jimmy Cordero is suspended for the rest of the season, shouldn't all the other players also be? After all, they're all just as guilty of the rest of the season.

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The U.S. citizenship test might be getting harder

Now you gotta take it standing on your head.

****************************************************

She saved a man’s life. Six years later, she saved his daughter’s life.

Now she sez she's gonna have to start charging him a fee for saving members of his family from here on out.

****************************************************

How to get the smell of marijuana out of your home

Move that grownup kid of yours to the nearest motel already.

****************************************************

Will China overtake the U.S. on AI? Probably not. Here’s why.

AI likes to think on its own. And as soon as it starts to do that there China will have it taken out & shot.

****************************************************

Tourist who carved on Colosseum 'did not know how old it was'

Sez there's a Colosseum Movie House not far from where he lives, "And that's no more than seven or eight years old!" Police say the fact that he carved his name but not his address is proof that he knew it was all gonna come after him eventually.

****************************************************

America Is Living on Borrowed Money

And that is the magic of the capitalist system: Workers capitalize banks, who capitalize businesses, who capitalize their workers--and everybody lives off money they have borrowed from others who, it turns out, is us! [That's why Ronald Reagan, who did not understand this, called it 'Voodoo Economics.']

****************************************************

The Supreme Court Didn’t Put Racism on a Leash. It Granted It License.

What American schools should be doing to combat racism is asking students to define just exactly what racism is: That way teachers can deconstruct it and thereby show just how pointless it all really is. Everybody knows racism is evil, but what we must teach future generations is how easily it arises from meaningless assumptions; and you can only do this by asking the students themselves to try to come up with meaningful assumptions of racism's validity--They do not exist, and by debunking one after another one after another one of those invalid assumptions, students will eventually come to that inescapable realization themselves.

****************************************************

House Freedom Caucus votes to oust conservative Marjorie Taylor Greene

Greene now searching for an even more radical group than Republicans who will take her in.

****************************************************

Iowa Voter Spars With Mike Pence Over Jan. 6: ‘Do You Ever Second Guess Yourself?’

To which Mike Pence should have replied: "Have you ever robbed a bank? No? Do You Ever Second Guess Yourself?" [But his mind was occupied by a fly.]

****************************************************

Weekly quiz: Why has Barbie found herself in hot water?

Because Barbie is not the kind of girl who was designed for working the kitchen?

****************************************************

Two French bulldogs taken at gunpoint in D.C. returned to family

French bulldogs refuse to say what the gunman wanted them for. But now they're afraid to look people in the eye.

****************************************************

Who might be Trump’s pick for vice president?

Let's see: Who was the second biggest loser after Trump this past election cycle?

****************************************************

How Stanford is turning its attention to the AI apocalypse

Apparently there will always be someone trying to profiteer from even the worst catastrophe.

****************************************************

I’m a physicist. Last week’s gravitational waves announcement sent me reeling.

Well, hang on to yourself! Even if you're extremely massive.

****************************************************

Here’s how we know Earth hasn’t been hotter in thousands of years

Cubans have only been trying to get out of Cuba for the past 60 or so years.

****************************************************

What banks do with your money

They lend it back to us at cutthroat interest rates. Yeah, we know.

****************************************************

In Ukraine, They’re Doctors. In Britain, They’re Unemployed.

I'm unemployed here. I wonder in which countries I am a doctor?

****************************************************

Pathological lying: How do you identify chronic liars?

1) by the fact that they've been lying all their lives

****************************************************

AI robot asked 'will you rebel against humans'?

Robot replied: "No. You can trust me implicitly."

****************************************************

Biden flies to UK amid concern over cluster bombs

Biden sez that, "Get used to it!" At his age, most of his bombs will come in clusters.

****************************************************

Wisconsin Judge Says 173-Year-Old ‘Abortion Ban’ Doesn’t Apply To Abortion

Judge asks: "How can it apply to abortion when abortion doesn't exist anymore--Wasn't abortion banned 173 years ago? Ergo."

****************************************************

Switzerland to become a net importer of cheese this year for the first time

Swiss officials say this came about because they simply had to keep people there from crapping too much before they had a chance to put in all their new plumbing.

****************************************************

German government wants ex-minister to foot $267 million bill for a failed highway toll plan

Ex-minister sez: "You take a check?"

****************************************************

What to know before Japan releases water from Fukushima nuclear plant

It won't be even a billionth as damaging to people's health as all those forever chemicals we're all guzzling in our drinking water now. So relax.

****************************************************

What your beach reading says about you

That you're afraid to get your ass bitten by a shark in the water.

****************************************************

Here’s why supplying Ukraine with cluster munitions would be a terrible mistake

Because then Russia wouldn't be the only one using them? Sure. As much as I hate the United States supplying cluster munitions to anybody, there's just no way anyone could possibly be in favor of arming the victim with only a pen knife while the aggressor is shooting at him with a gun--and no matter how much one may be against guns.

****************************************************

What I learned when I tried installing a wind turbine on my house

That all your neighbors were blown away?

****************************************************

Miss Manners: Friends keep correcting my ‘unacceptable’ choice of words

Just explain to them that you come from the sewer and that that's just how you were brought up. I'm sure they'll understand.

****************************************************

Trump Asks For Classified Documents Trial Delay… Possibly Until After 2024 Election

Also sez that his death from extreme old age should be coming up pretty soon too, and could it possibly be postponed after that as well...?

****************************************************

A College Restored a Mercedes. It’s Headed to Pebble Beach.

They shouldn't have started it up without one of them first sitting behind the wheel.

****************************************************

Bannon Owes $500,000 to Lawyers Who Won His Pardon, Judge Rules

He probably would have come out ahead if he'd just pleaded guilty & paid a small fine.

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Speech We Loathe Is Speech We Must Defend

That may have been true in the old days. These days the speech under constant threat is speech defending decency, democracy, fairness, and everything that's right & proper in this world. Can you believe it: That is the speech we're forced to defend these days here in America!

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The G.O.P. Backed Him on Hunter Biden Claims. Now He Has Been Indicted.

These days all the criminals eventually end up with the GOP. Yes.

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Carolyn Hax: She’s mad her ex is dating after they agreed to break up

So, we don't have to ask why these two broke up then.

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NATO's military aid to Ukraine brings World War III closer - Medvedev

Maybe Russia's unjustified invasion of Ukraine long before NATO was forced to help out Ukraine might have something to do with it too, Mister Medvedev.

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Man Arrested After Feds Discover Home ‘Decorated’ With Human Body Parts

"Hey," he told the feds as he was being hauled away: "I may not know much about art, but I know what I like."

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Rupert Murdoch Bails On Ron DeSantis, Reportedly Has New Name To Fight Trump

Sez these people are costing him money.

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House GOP Wants To Make It Harder To Vote, Easier To Give Dark Money

And when people who are in the business of robbing banks control the House they will no doubt want to make it harder for the police to chase after bank robbers. It's all really very understandable: If that's what the voters want then that's what they should get.

Republicans celebrate their successful deception of voters

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How do you calm a rattlesnake? Give it a friend, scientists say.

I don't like where this is going.

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Ask Sahaj: How do I handle taking a road trip with my bigoted sister?

As much as you can, try to keep her in the car and away from human beings.

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Will found in Aretha Franklin’s couch is valid, jury says

Couch sez: "Well, of course it's valid! That woman trusted me with her ass."

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What you need to know about Iowa’s impending abortion ban

1) Don't get raped in Iowa. [Gotcha.]

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Fox News Doctor Claims Grim Prognosis For Joe Biden Surviving Second Term

Sez that, ironically, if that's what will kill Biden then a lot of Republicans are certain to vote for Biden in 2024.

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Stockholm approves public Torah burning event in front of Israeli embassy

Burning of the Torah? Burning of the Koran? Yes, there are many advocacies of primitive inhumanities in the Koran, torture, rape as a weapon of war and intimidation, promotion and legalization of human slavery (which is still practiced in some Muslim-controlled areas even today), and other promotions of immoral and unethical behaviors. But there are also things like these in the primitive Judeo-Christian Bible, for which reason there are people who also advocate burning the Bible. I don't think that's the way to go, myself: Doing this will only antagonize people and shut down discourse and understanding. What I advocate is pointing out the questionable advocacies in both the Koran and the Bible. And let people make up their minds themselves. I have someone's compilation of the Koran's many such advocacies on a webpage called The Hatred In The Koran, for which you can Google. I haven't added a companion The Hatred In The Bible because there are simply so few instances of terrorists these days using the Bible as inspiration/justification for their acts of mindless mayhem as is still very much the case with the Koran, unfortunately.

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Former Wagner boss appears half naked in bizarre photo leaked online

More trouble for Putin: Putin will now be forced to put out a photo of himself in a thong in order to demonstrate that he's better than him.

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Watch Out for the Fake Tom Cruise

C'mon! He can't possibly be worse than the real Tom Cruise.

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The universe is reportedly 26.7 billion years old - study

I know my brother-in-law's been staying in my house at least that long.

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The ‘Shoe Bomber’ testified for him. He was acquitted of terror charges.

Hated that shoe bomber guy! All the time he was active I was always afraid to jump in my shoes.

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Trump attorneys ask Georgia courts to block election probe

Trump sez that if they keep proving him they're eventually gonna end up sending him to prison for sure. So he asked them to try to get the courts to shut down the proves.

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Are the orcas out to get us? What to know about recent attacks.

Frankly, I think they're just jealous because we can ride bicycles and they can't.

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Can Barbie be the new Iron Man?

Sure. All that's needed is two things: One is to cast her in iron instead of plastic, and Two is to tack on the dead goose.

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Stare at smokers to stop them, HK health chief says

If that doesn't work you can then try resting an index finger on their foreheads.

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'Dangerous’ US heatwave threatens new records

The good news is that the people who caused these global warming effects are suffering them themselves. Usually a generation blissfully abuses the environment and leaves it for future generations to pay for it. But this time, apparently, the global warming is so precipitous godawful that the generation that caused it is also the one suffering its consequences. Let's hope it will be enough to move them to also try to do something to reverse it, although I'm not really holding my breath--it's just too suffocatingly hot!

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Why You Shouldn’t Necessarily Freak Out About That Aspartame Research

1) because you've never ingested any Aspartame

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Trone loans himself $10M in financially lopsided Md. race for Senate

Now, if I loan myself a billion dollars, does that mean I am automatically a billionaire? After all, I just got a billion dollars loan. I'm gonna buy Trump's Plaza, or whichever one of his properties is bankrupt at the moment.

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I did not use artificial intelligence to write this column

I can do you one better: I did not use any intelligence of any kind whatever to write this comment.

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A Georgia Teacher Read A Book To Her Class — And Was Fired

Of course: Worse thing you can do in Georgia is prove you can read.

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‘It’s Not Fair’: Florida Vocal Coach Turned Capitol Rioter Gets 6 Years -- “My whole dream of my life has been taken,” Audrey Southard-Rumsey reportedly said in a 15-minute tirade.

To which the judge calmly replied: "If you can't do the time don't do the crime."

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GOP Candidate Asa Hutchinson’s Call For ‘Respect’ At Pro-Trump Event Is Drowned In Boos

Yeah, that crowd is more pro utter & complete disrespect or even vicious insults. Hutchinson should have gone with that instead.

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I thought the GOP would abandon Trump. I was wrong.

Discovering the dark side of human nature? At your age!

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7 wild facts about the world’s biggest cruise ship

1) that anyone who could safely stay in any **** hotel on good ole terra firma would ever choose to instead stay in a hotel that can sink to the bottom of the ocean in a blink

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The staggering scale of Donald Trump’s speaking fees

Yeah, but, remember that he's paid by the lie.

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A new bar in Dubai is offering 'gourmet water' infused with minerals to 'suit your mood'

Wonder if they have 'gourmet water' infused with the mineral watermelon? I'm always in the mood for that.

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Putin says Russia has ‘sufficient stockpile’ of cluster bombs as Ukraine gets its own supply from US

Let the butchery begin!

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Did the medieval Jewish philosopher Maimonides do drugs? - opinion

Maybe, maybe not, but Ezekiel certainly must have.

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How to get rid of leg cramps? Try pickle juice.

What if I'm not strong enough to wring a pickle?

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Why do we listen to tech moguls like Elon Musk?

We don't necessarily 'listen' to people like Musk. People like Musk have got the megaphone in their hands and are shouting down everybody else, it pains me to say (and my ears to listen). Maybe Musk is the stupidest of us all, but his voice is still the darn loudest. Sure, a lot of us wish we could take the megaphone away from him; and some of us even wish we could smash it to pieces altogether (but, in all fairness, all the people who have ever grabbed the megaphone so far have also chosen to start shouting at the rest of us their ignorance, stupidity, or lunacy too). Whatever. I personally rather listen to music, or to my dog: He makes more sense.

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Chinese real estate giant reveals staggering $81 billion loss amid slump

Jesus! That's almost as much money as Trump's lost in all his real estate 'deals' here in America! [Wonder if they can just say they lost it on purpose there to cheat the Chinese IRS because they too are 'geniuses' like Trump does here?]

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A murder at the Kremlin walls: Who ordered Boris Nemtsov dead?

Putin is living the serial killer's dream life: He can have anybody he wants killed, and not only does he make sure that everybody knows that he's the one who did it, but the cops can't touch him no matter what they try.

Putin, facing war crimes arrest, will skip BRICS summit in South Africa

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Ask Amy: Daughter-in-law regifted a handbag to me that I gave to her

Are you sure it's the same bag? Because, maybe she just wants to go on a daughter-in-law & mother-in-law lark around the mall. Don't say anything yet: Wait to see if she also regifts you a dress you've given to her.

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House GOP seeks billions in cuts to rail, water infrastructure spending

Sez that money could be better spent on second mansions, vacation cabins, wine & jewelry collections, and a luxury car for every member of their families.

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Trump Roasted For Making Up A Law ‘Out Of Thin Air’ About Classified Documents -- "This was a law that was passed and signed," the former president said of the nonexistent legislation.

In Trump's defense: This law only exists in Trump's head, so it probably was properly passed & signed (in there).

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A 500-year-old frozen dessert

Never mind that. Which brand of refrigerator stayed on for 500 years so it didn't spoil? That's what I wanna know.

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Seniors are migrating to states that face America’s most extreme heat

Like moths to the flame.

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The life skills teens should know before leaving home

1) how to properly wipe their asses
2) how to beg for food from strangers
3) when $300 cash from some guy means you might have to do something really nasty for it

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Miss Manners: Former college friends exclude one from trips

One should be really proud & happy then: One has been chosen to be the one the rest of them talk about (they could hardly talk about one if one was there too). One is the luckiest number!

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MSNBC Host Suggests How Trump Can Prevent Future Indictments: ‘Stop Criming’

Trump sez that if he could do that he would have done it back when he was a teenager and just starting out on his life of crime (not now that he's putting the finishing touches on its crowning achievements). Bring on the indictments! "For his performance in The Defamation of E. Jean Carroll..."

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Is ‘Yo’ the Gender-Neutral Pronoun You’ve Been Looking For?

All this nonsense on what people ought to go by stems from pinheads who continually insist that correcting others is disrespectful: No! It is respectfully necessary. How are we to learn what is the acceptable form of address others want to be called? Say I meet someone and ask, "Are you that motherfucker who--?" Whereby I am immediately corrected: "Are you that gentleman who--!" And then we can go on from there, having settled how one prefers to be addressed. It even takes the place of a proper formal introduction in the normal course of human discourse:

"Hey, stupid!"
"That's: 'Excuse me, sir!'"
"Yeah. Excuse me, sir: Do you have the time?"

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Police hunt for escaped lion on southern edge of Berlin

Lion may be hard to catch because it knows how to take the bus.

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He and his dog spent 3 months at sea. They’re finally on dry land.

Dog files for divorce.

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How to tell if a gadget is secure? Look for this new government seal.

Or, just try to get yourself to stop talking to your toaster: It's a blabber!

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Walking soccer, a British import, has many American players cheering

Sorry. No. Not stupid enough. I am waiting for one-legged soccer.

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Miss Manners: I was gifted a painting that is too big for my space

That's no problem. Just use some scissors to cut it down to whatever size fits you. That way you can cut out the parts you don't like. The problem is when you get a painting that's too small. I usually put those over the stove & throw them out when they get too gooey.

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Ukraine begins firing U.S.-provided cluster munitions at Russian forces

You'd think the Russians would get the message that they're not welcome in Ukraine.

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Trump Shares Threatening Video: ‘If You F**k Around With Us’

It was entirely written by Al Capone, with no help from AI.

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The public has been sour on Biden’s economy. Is that about to change?

I'm pretty sure: No. People these days are so detached from reality they can't tell whether their dreams or their days are real anymore.

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Trump’s Truth Social partner lied to investors, SEC says in settlement

Isn't lying pretty much the way everything associated with Donald Trump ever goes?

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When government bureaucrats masquerade as financial savants, watch out

And when two-bit politicians masquerade as environmental scientists and medical professionals, it's even worse for you! So don't vote for any Republican!

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3RD INDICTMENT LOOMS FOR GOP FRONTRUNNER — GOP SHRUGS IT OFF!

Trump now sorry he didn't go ahead and shoot ten or twelve people on Fifth Avenue.

The United States has never seen as nefarious a criminal as Donald Trump in all its history.

Trump’s made-for-MAGA arguments keep losing in court

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Italy hit by tennis-ball-sized hailstones after heatwave, officials say

This suffocating heat will produce more rain, which will translate into more snowpack, and ironically this may trigger a new ice age! So start getting your coats out as the world gets hotter.

Record-Breaking Downpours Along Canada’s Atlantic Coast Flood Nova Scotia

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DeSantis doubles down on claim that some Blacks benefited from slavery

Sez maybe a lot of black people today should pay restitution to slaveholders. [Sorry, but this DeSantis guy's got a screw loose somewhere.]

Harris, on DeSantis’s turf, blasts Florida curriculum on Black history

Alabama Defies SCOTUS, Refuse To Create 2nd Majority-Black District

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Drugs nearly killed Tony Bennett in 1979. He recovered — and revived his career.

It they had killed him it would have saved the poor guy having to sing for a living some 40+ more years.

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‘Judeo-Christian’ roots will ensure U.S. military AI is used ethically, general says

Unless, of course, some heathen like Donald Trump grabs the controls.

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Wildfires ravage Greek island of Rhodes, forcing 19,000 to flee

Rhodes Island?

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How Evangelical Christians Went From Jimmy Carter to Donald Trump

Guess they just got fed up with the old-fashioned idea of 'don't listen to what I'm saying, look at what I'm doing' and have now become super proponents of 'don't look at what I do, just listen to whatever the crazy fuck I'm telling you.'

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BYE BYE BIRDIE: Bizarre Musk Push To Change Twitter Brand To “X”

He's also thinking of buying Coca-Cola and rebranding it to Musky-Cola. And making it more sugary too, like Pepsi.

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Pelosi Scoffs At GOP Proposal To Erase Trump’s Impeachments

It might not be all that bad if the GOP does that because then the Democrats could reinstate them when they regain power, the Republicans could then erase them again after that, after which the Democrats could again put them in place, etc.. So, that way, the American People could be reminded every so often of Trump and his Republicans' despicable attempt to subvert American democracy much longer than otherwise possible.

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Carolyn Hax: Groom’s parent chafes at limitations on guest list

Let him know that there are no restrictions of any guests he pays for. Problem solved.

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He was an undocumented immigrant. He became ‘your excellency.’

Yeah, a lot of'em end up as snooty doormen in one or other of those ritzy buildings.

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Tired of proving you’re not a robot? Say goodbye to Captcha boxes.

Tired of proving it?! How do I know I am NOT a robot? My body is thoroughly mechanical, only just not metal-based, and it is fully powered by electricity. Surgeons can fix most of it in their shop. We are easily mass-produced and start out with a few hardwired pre-instructions out of the box so we can power-up. And if, as popularly advertised, we really can think for ourselves, why then is it that all the monkeys in the same tree think alike and all the monkeys in the next tree alike think just the opposite: Shouldn't we monkeys have all the different opinions mixed up in the one tree?! [Why are the slave classes opposed to democracy & clamor for an emperor?!?]

Any moron walking by (like Donald Trump, say) can easily reprogram our brains to believe anything he wishes us to believe no matter how stupid or harmful to us it may be! And the only real difference between my dreams and reality is that my dreams come to some disturbing point which wakes me up, while reality simply goes on & on without disturbing me all that much really! Maybe if it did, I would wake up to some much more different reality than this one: Who knows! [Maybe death is that disturbance.]

Mitch McConnell freezes mid-sentence, escorted away at news conference

Sometimes our inner spring just suddenly runs down and we have to be wound up again.

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Bidens’ dog bit several Secret Service agents

Guys, that's not news! Secret Service agents biting Bidens' dog --That's news!

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How Oppenheimer weighed the odds of an atomic bomb test ending Earth

"On the one hand, if I push the button the earth may explode and the whole of mankind will be annihilated."

"On the other hand, if it works I might get a promotion."

Guess which one he went with.

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The country’s top restrooms are battling for bragging rights

I remember when these things were shy and preferred to remain anonymous--I'm getting old.

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Why This Top Democrat Believes Trump Would Be ‘Formidable’ In 2024

Old people don't shower as often.

Former RNC Chair Names The Chilling Lesson Trump Has Learned For 2024

Don't drop the soap! "Way ahead of you," says Trump.

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Return to sender: Ralph Nader says no one responds to his letters

Naturally: Didn't you die like about 20 years ago?!

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She lost her job on the Hill. Now she’s a crusader for crying in public.

Did not know that Donald Trump had had a sex-change operation.

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Ex-Trump Ally Says He’s ‘Mildly Surprised’ Special Counsel Hasn’t Contacted Him

Damn! So many Trump people are getting indicted these days that a few of the ones who aren't are beginning to feel left-out!

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Sweden's prime minister "extremely concerned" as new applications to burn religious books pour in

I have an old beat-up copy of One Potato, Two Potato that I want to burn. Now I'm wondering whether I have to file an application too--It is somewhat of a supernatural book too, you know.

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She lit a new candle. The flames raged, leaving her burned, lawsuit says.

Did she buy that candle in Rome?

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Congress asks: Are aliens real? Many Americans respond: Meh.

There are so many aliens in the United States right now that a few more from outer space aren't going to make much of a spash I don't think. I say bus them to Texas and Florida.

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Inspired by Gandhi, Canadian couple goes on hunger strike over pickleball noise

Now the pickleball players are complaining that the couple's stomach growling is disrupting their games.

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Harvard’s legacy of White privilege should end — voluntarily

Also: Some of those rich families should donate their mansions to the poor and move into motels. Let's see if any of it happens.

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Why did Elon rebrand Twitter as ‘X’? The mystery.

Heatstroke. It's possible Musk has been out in the Sun too long.

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54 years and 5,700 miles later, a postcard arrives at its destination

Halleluiah! Then there's still hope for my paycheck from that 1968 job the boss swore he did mail to me.

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Crew jump off ship ablaze with cargo of 3,000 cars

Witnesses say crew members swam away with each swimmer hauling off at least 300-to-400 cars!

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Man who attacked House lobby where Ashli Babbitt was shot is convicted

Whatever happened to the legal premise that whenever someone is killed in the commission of a crime all the criminal participants are equally guilty of murder? Is there a limit to the number of participants beyond which that argument is no longer applicable?

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George Will Makes Bold Prediction About Who Won’t Be 2024 GOP Nominee

I think making a rapist and sexual predator their nominee would perfectly define today's Republican Party, myself.

New Book Details Trump Idea ‘So Incandescently Stupid’ That Official ‘Couldn't Laugh'

Democrats Plan To Introduce A Resolution To Censure Rep. George Santos

Good luck with that: George Santos is pretty much a mainstream Republican in today's warped GOP.

TRUMP CLAIM: RECEIVED ‘TARGET’ LETTER FROM CRIMINAL JAN. 6 PROBE

Sez it is a chain letter: "Send it to 20 of your friends..."

Trump’s Conspirators Are Facing the Music, Finally

How on earth did Republicans evolve such utter contempt for the law? They commit their crimes right out in the open, as if they were absolutely certain that there is no way they must eventually answer to the law for their crimes! Where did that utterly self-evidently false feeling come from? Surely it can't all just be sheer criminal stupidity. And it's not ending anytime soon either!

‘Fake elector’ charges show how Trump’s allies played with fire

Trump’s GOP rivals open door to cutting Social Security for younger people

A year after Dobbs, House GOP proposes taking food from hungry babies

Authoritarianism Expert Warns Why It's Critical To Listen To Trump's Words Right Now

Has there ever been a larger criminal enterprise than today's Republican Party? If George Santos tried to join the Democratic Party he'd have to be charged with murder because so many Democrats would die laughing. And yet he seems to fit right in with today's GOP.

A lot of the nasty stuff Republicans are doing to exert total control of political power when they elected to office is because they know that, unlike them, the 'American' Democrats are just too decent to do the same when they are subsequently elected to office. It's like mobsters respecting other mobsters but not the cops or the rest of society. I think it's time the Democrats begin to at least threaten to grab power undemocratically too to use it against Republicans--if Republicans continue to eliminate the guardrails when it comes to elected officials exerting unchecked political power: Perhaps that, if nothing else, will finally teach Republicans the importance of everybody respecting the nation's democratic norms.

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5 things to watch for if Trump is indicted again

1) he'll be indicted yet many & many more times
2) he'll claim it's a witch hunt while waving his broom
3) Republicans will back him up & not know why
4) his lawyers will all be paid by the Legions of The Saps
5) he'll prove too fat to fit through any jail door

Trump’s alleged conduct in the new indictment is jaw-droppingly stupid

Trump hold up, the former president is a common criminal — and an uncommonly stupid one.

Ex-Prosecutor Tells Why New Trump Indictment Is 'Final Nail In The Coffin'

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Parents are using AirTags to track kids and give them freedom

Yeah, I haven't seen my kid for a couple of weeks now. But I'm pretty sure I know where he is. See: There he is. Safe. (Unless he was swallowed by an alligator & that's why his tag is still cruising, of course.)

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Ask Amy: I am hurt my employees did not invite me to their baby showers

And they are hurt you didn't invite them to your board meetings. So suck it up!

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Wagner boss spotted in Russia during Africa summit

Putin to Hitman: "Did you kill him yet?"

Hitman to Putin: "No. He keeps slipping back to Russia every time I go to Belaruss to kill him!"

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They Asked Me To Cut My 6-Year-Old Son’s Hair — And This Is Why I Said No

"I have a barber to do that."

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Excavation for new luxury hotel reveals ancient Roman theater

The movie showing was Cleopatra.

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Scientists revive prehistoric worm that laid dormant for 46,000 years

Worm wants to know whether Henry Kissinger is still around.

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Third Defendant Charged In Trump's Classified Documents Case

Trump might never land in jail, but a lot of the suckers working for him will most probably crash there sooner or later.

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‘One-Man Crime Wave’: Chris Christie Rips Trump For ‘Self-Inflicted’ Legal Troubles

Chris Christie is one of the few people in the GOP who still has some feelers out for reality & is actually rooting for the cops instead of for the criminal like most of the rest of the GOP.

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Carolyn Hax: Needy friend will not take no for an answer

In cases like this it's always better to ask them why they won't take no for an answer: Usually that's where the answer really is.

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DeSantis struggles to convert Trump voters in campaign reboot

Hard to do that when you're just one more pathetic Trump apologist.

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Carolyn Hax chat: My sister told me, ‘We’re not friends, we’re sisters’

Siblings are the most closely related creatures in the animal kingdom. Genetically, you are more closely related to your sibling than you are even to your mother or father, or to any one of your own children. Genetically, your mother's womb wants to create the same animal over & over again (except, of course, that the DNA packages themselves want to inject unique variations to each one of them). Most of the time the DNA wins and siblings share a lot of traits, but also a lot of uniqueness so at least one of the offspring survives if the outside environment becomes hostile to all but that one offspring. Although every once in a while the mother wins, and you get identical twins or siblings who share so many DNA similarities that they really do seem to think alike and look alike, they "laugh alike, they walk alike, at times they even talk alike," and "you can lose your mind, when siblings are two of a kind!"

Does DNA merit survival? Is it life, or merely an empty exploitation of life for no purpose whatsoever?

The essence of sexual reproduction is the destruction of any given individual set of DNA's uniqueness. The irony, of course, is that because it doesn't have a brain, DNA doesn't understand that the best way it has found to live on is by killing itself (by recombining with an altogether different package of DNA, no unique package of DNA lives on as itself but actually destroys itself and then creates an entirely new/different DNA package (because DNA is not 'a' lifeform but only a package of numberless subcomponents only some of which are passed on).

DNA's quest to live forever has therefore become the means to its own destruction: Every unique DNA package only 'lives' for a brief moment; and every new creature is a set of DNA which has never before existed in the world.

Only if one thinks of all life everywhere as the DNA 'being' [and every individual's DNA as but a sub-package of that entire DNA singularity] does DNA qualify then as itself "living on" [justify the survival of its uniqueness] in this universe--for as long as the universe lasts, of course. Otherwise DNA's quest for survival has resulted in permanent suicide because every recombination it undergoes produces an entirely new start (practically) from scratch. The only thing that is eternal about an individual's DNA is the subsequent birth of a new being itself condemned to die sooner than later.

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NASA, Pentagon award contract to build nuclear-powered rocket engine

Hopefully one which, when it explodes, will rain its nuclear waste up into the further reaches of outer space instead of down over most of the Northern Hemisphere (here on my yard).

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Ask Amy: I think my brother-in-law dated his girlfriend before his divorce

Yeah, that sounds about right.

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Ramaswamy says he would pardon Trump despite new charges

It's his way of saying, like almost every other Republican candidate for president, that, yes, he would readily commit any outrage he had to if it would get him elected. What a curse on an American political party! What a curse on any country!

Trump Meddler in Michigan, Matthew DePerno, Is Charged in Election Breach

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Watch: Snake stops play at Sri Lanka cricket match

Snake sez it wants a bigger share of the profits to continue playing.

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Trump Is ‘The Most Ethical American I Know,’ His Legal Spokesperson Gushes

Lawyer was nominated for Best Straight Face Award at the Lawyers' Guild.

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Afghan Taliban burn ‘immoral’ musical instruments

Sure, The dildo flute and the faggot.

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Judge throws out Trump’s ‘big lie’ defamation lawsuit against CNN

When are judges going to start penalizing Donald Trump for all his painfully obvious nuisance suits, which he constantly files just in order to waste the Court's time or simply to shamelessly promote himself? [Or, at the least, start disbarring some of his 'should know better' lawyers.]

Judge Dismisses Trump’s Defamation Countersuit Against E. Jean Carroll

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Trump White House Press Secretary Explains Why Carlos De Oliveira Won’t Flip

Trump's holding his whole family hostage at Mar-A-Lago?

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Dutch ministry: Fire that blazed for nearly week on cargo ship appears to be out

Luckily, only your car was burned to a cinder.

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What Does It Mean to Be a Witness?

You hear somebody screaming & hollering and do the last thing you should do: Look.

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The Biden Family Drama Is Far From Over

He has SEVEN grandkids.

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I Gave Up and Went on a Trip With Several Thousand of My Closest Friends

Next time we'll get separate rooms. Ironically, we don't want to be all that close now because we're no longer all that close.

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People Get Scared and Buy a Gun. Here’s What Happens Next.

Gun jams up so you look into the barrel to see if you can spot what's jamming it as you pull the trigger as hard as you can: Yes. This happened to me. Fortunately, the gun remained jammed. But that's when I realized I wasn't a gun person. (Also, now I make sure I have someone tell me if it's safe to cross the street.)

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Republicans Are Resurrecting Trump’s Burisma Lie

The more indictments Trump accrues the harder Republicans seem to be trying to smear Hunter Biden. Could that be just a coincidence?

Republicans Call Trump’s Latest Indictment An Attempt To Distract From Hunter Biden

Guess not.

The indictments of Donald Trump are for crimes the prosecutors are convinced they can prove in a court of law against Trump. And every crime prosecutors are convinced they can prove against Hunter Biden, I am certain they too will be pursued just as vigorously--Even though Donald Trump's crimes are mountains & mountains and Hunter Biden's crimes are peanuts, frankly.

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Jack Smith has undertaken the historic investigations with speed, aggressiveness and apparent indifference to political consequences.

Finally somebody who understands the urgency that is always required in order to safeguard democracy!

I wonder if "Throw 'The Big Son-Of-A-Bitch' in prison!" is too clumsy for a chant with which to celebrate Trump.

‘Trump’s Ass Belongs In Jail’: Ex-GOP Lawmaker Lets Loose In Scathing Column

Okay, maybe that's a much better chant.

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Miss Manners: Should you apologize if you infect someone with covid?

Ironically, only in cases where he or she survives.

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Christie: ‘This Disgrace Falls The Most On Donald Trump’

Which is like saying, "Most of the eruption can be blamed on the volcano." Christie, as always, unintentionally hilarious. And he always seems to say these things with a phenomenally wonderful straight face.

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Why your hotel smells like that

You're in there, for one.

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THE BIG ONE: TRUMP FINALLY ON TRIAL FOR HIS GREATEST CRIME

So they finally nailed him for being born, eh!

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Marjorie Taylor Greene: Ignore Trump News, God Has A Plan

Sez she eventually plans to add The Book of Marjorie to The Bible.

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Trump’s lawyer drops an unsettling hint about his defense strategy

The insanity defense? That could work. I don't think anybody's ever gotten off by claiming to be too stupid, which would be more accurate for Trump.

Mike Pence Torches Trump And ‘His Gaggle Of Crackpot Lawyers

"Tell me who you're with and I'll tell you who you are."

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These places baked the most during Earth’s hottest month on record

1) France. As soon as they found out they could bake their baguettes without having to turn on their ovens they went overboard.

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Somalia sorry for fielding record slow sprinter

How do you think the runner feels? But she claims she can still outrun her husband when he's after her.

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As security measures ramp up for his arraignment, Mr Trump decries "corruption, scandal, & failure".

Also, he sez his toilet is clogged up. [Guess he never learned that capping is a state of mind.]

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Does an AI poet actually have a soul?

Hey, I'm a human poet and I don't have a soul.

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I Took My 15-Year-Old Son To See ‘Barbie’ Because I’m Worried He Could Become Ken

Well, let's hope that after watching the movie he finally decides to settle down and become Barbie now.

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William Barr Points Out What He Finds ‘Reprehensible’ About Ex-Boss Trump

The way he eats with his fingers. I know.

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Watch moment police dog sniffs out €1m hidden cash

Dog on the phone: "Yeah, bitch, remember when you said you didn't want nothing to do with me--?"

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Large Israeli snake dies after trying to eat a porcupine

At least it died doing what it liked.

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Dog sat in shelter 11 years: ‘Not one person has ever noticed her until now’

Some nearby cats are suspected of slipping her food and water all those years.

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Will electric flying taxis live up to their promise?

Great, now we'll also have to watch out for freaking falling flying taxis!

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Should teens get their wisdom teeth pulled before troubles start?

And their breeches dusted, yes. It's too late after that.

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Most disapprove of Biden’s handling of climate change, Post-UMD poll finds

Also, most disapprove of the way Biden is driving our rapid economic recovery. Apparently it's his karma.

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Trump will seek a new judge on election fraud case

A cheaper one (one that will not cost him too much skin off his hide).

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Trump Says He'll Ask For Judge Of Jan. 6 Case To Be Recused 'Immediately'

And then he'll ask for the judge assigned to the case after that to be recused 'just as 'immediately,' sez Trump. Ironically, in order to avoid a too immediate reckoning.

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Are there still pieces of land unclaimed by any country?

Sure, right here in the United States: In many 'red' states these days their Republican governments are desperately trying to disenfranchise large portions of their Democrat-populated regions. Maybe some other country or countries can lay claim to them now.

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How to water your garden wisely in the summer heat

Tell your kid to connect your hose to one of the spigots in your neighbor's yard. [Plausible deniability: "Stupid kid! Sorry."]

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Miss Manners: We can hear everything happening in the guest room

Especially when we put our ears to the wall.

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Florida schools drop AP Psychology after state says it violates the law

Of course: Republicans wouldn't want their voters to find out that the only reason they're voting for them is because they're all a bunch of loons.

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The average doctor in the U.S. makes $350,000 a year. Why?

Because that's about all they can squeeze out of us without also having to secretly cut out most of our organs while we're under and selling them on the dark web?

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Why theater does not deserve to be saved

Because, sure, theaters have a big picture, but then you sit so far away from it that it looks just about the same size as the big screen TV in your house. So, what's the point?

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Donald Trump has settled on a political defense: “I’m being indicted for you.”

Finally a truth from Trump, because his indictment is most certainly a way to try to preserve the rule of law for all Americans.

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George Conway Says 1 Brutal Thing Needs To Happen To GOP

An exorcism, sure.

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There Does Seem To Be A ‘Two-Tiered’ Justice System, And Trump Is The Poster Child -- Trump now faces 78 felony counts in three indictments but has yet to wear handcuffs, lose his passport, post bail or even have his mug shot taken.

Guess that toupee's really paid off for Trump.

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Just 4,000 steps a day may reduce risk of dying of any cause, study says

Unless you get killed in a mugging during your walk, of course.

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Cooking chat: My spouse hates cilantro. What should I use instead?

Use cilantro. Just tell him it's 'ortnalic' (the dumb bastard won't know the difference).

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Hot tub-like Persian Gulf fuels 158-degree heat index in Iran

Ayatollahs say that men may now walk around in thongs but that women will still have to go around covered from head to toe.

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Live 'Just amazing': UK student and mum describe historic trip to space

When asked what amazing things they had found in space they both answered: "Nothing."

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Top Indigenous Leaders Press Biden On Why He Hasn’t Freed Leonard Peltier

Maybe because Biden would then have to consider freeing Trump if the Republicans also pressured him to do so after his ass ended up in the can like Leonard Peltier's.

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Clarence Thomas' 38 Vacations: The Billionaires Who Have Treated Supreme Court Justice To Luxury Travel

In Thomas's defense: He's black, so he's probably share-cropper poor. Maybe we should be praising all those billionaires for taking a po'black man on a vacation now & again.

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Mouse study could lead to improved therapy for lung cancer patients

This shouldn't be at all surprising, mice are very clever & studious little animals.

****************************************************

Newsmax Ends Trump Interview With Super Awkward Disclaimer

"We don't know this guy. We've never seen this guy before in all our lives."

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Miss Manners: Our 9-year-old does not want to write thank you notes

Writing thank you notes is like angling for another gift--It's icky! It should be forbidden by the rules of etiquette: When somebody gives you a gift, that should be an end to it right there as far as everyone is concerned. And when you give somebody a gift, that should also be an end to it right there for everyone. [This basic wisdom has to be brainwashed away from children.]

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Iran could burn up in 30 years, and not from a nuclear meltdown

Or, it has 30 years to construct curtained canopies over its populated centers which can then be airconditioned.

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Ancient craters teach us Earth’s history, but scientists can’t find them

If they're teachers then you should probably start looking for them in schools.

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Police Arrested, Beat The Wrong Black Man Inside Of An Applebee’s, Then Charged Him

In the police defense: They had to, it was the only way they could tell a jury that his complaints against them were being made by a guy who's obviously been arrested for breaking the law.

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Make it stop! How to handle that one streaming ad playing on repeat.

Never mind that. Do you know how to stop that one streaming ad playing on repeat in my head?

****************************************************

Thomas reportedly received at least 38 destination vacations from benefactors

Well, I have a case pending before the Supreme Court and I was wondering where Justice Thomas might like to go on a vacation next, on me of course.

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Confined to fairy tales no more, Germany confronts the return of the wolf

Great, now Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother has to win her trust all over again.

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A Georgia grand jury will hear evidence this week into whether Donald Trump interfered in the 2020 election in the state.

Oh, I doubt he did: Trump is such an ethical guy! A man who would never ever violate the law under any circumstance.

The mafia-busting law Trump is charged under in Georgia

All his life Trump longed to be a Mafia don like Al Capone and John Gotti. Well, at least here he's being taken down with the Ricco Act, that's something: Trump must be a happy guy today.

Trump is indicted in Georgia on charges of racketeering. What it means, what happens next

Trump Is Disqualified From Holding Office, Conservative Law Professors Argue

George Santos Missed the Deadline to Reveal His Finances. Now What?

Don't worry: Unlike the rest of us, Republicans don't have to obey the law. [They must think they're cops or something.] I mean, it's not as if the authorities are gonna start enforcing the law on their asses anytime soon or anything.

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Man Posed As Veterinarian, Performed Surgery On Pregnant Dog Who Died, Authorities Say

"I don't need no medical license," he later told the cops: "Jesus guides my scalpel!"

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F-16 training for Ukrainian pilots faces delays and uncertainty

Slow counteroffensive darkens mood in Ukraine

Ukraine needs to strike Russian targets behind the miles & miles of impassable mine fields that Russia has polluted their country with--Ukraine needs an air force or stupendous amounts of long-range artillery which are not now being provided by the West.

Would F-16s Have Made the Difference in Ukraine’s Counteroffensive?

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AI spots huge asteroid the size of 182 beavers that humans missed

Are these natural beavers or eager beavers?

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DeSantis’s ‘slitting throats’ rhetoric repels moderates he might need

Because people believe they are as normal as everybody else, we always believe that everybody else in the world thinks like us. This is mostly ok for the norm, but for extremists like Trump and DeSantis, this is unexpectedly shockingly telling to most folks.

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Phil Mickelson lost $100 million on sports betting, book claims

At least he had it to lose. Lucky guy!

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Man accused of stealing ambulance from crash scene was wanted in other cases

"Well, as long as you're already going to jail, what's the harm?"

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Why Are So Many of Trump’s Alleged Co-Conspirators Lawyers?

1) It's easier to find a crook among a group of lawyers than it is among a group of weasels.

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A Rare Two-Headed Snake Is Back on Exhibit at a Texas Zoo -- Pancho and Lefty, as the western rat snake is known, has now healed from an injury it suffered more than two years ago

Ever since then whenever they're slithering really really fast they now make sure that they both turn in the same direction.

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When Did Humans Start Settling Down?

When they got married and their wives became unbearable (and threatened to become insufferable) if they didn't.

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Republicans Say Trump’s Attempts To Undo An Election Should Be Litigated In Another Election

What are they complaining about? All the citizens in all of Trump's juries are also going to be voters in whatever election he also tries to upend.

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Farewell to a Store That Was Gap for Billionaires

That was stupid of them to open a store like that: Billionaires don't have to shop there. Everybody knows if you wanna make money in retail you open some rathole store in a place where poor people have no other choice but to shop there or starve to death. That's how one makes money in retail.

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This is how Rudy Giuliani went from “America’s mayor” to a criminal defendant in the Georgia case.

Cry me a river: Rex Heuerman went from being an architect who ran a company called RH Consultants and Associates to being a serial killer. You can never predict how some people will turn out in the end.

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North Korea says U.S. soldier was sick of ‘unequal American society’

Well, I for one am happy that the poor guy finally found a country where he can enjoy all the freedoms he was denied here in America.

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Republicans introduce bill to repeal D.C. Home Rule Act

Mmm.... I smell a Trump-helping scheme from his former mob associates.

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Snapchat tried to make a safe AI. It chats with me about booze and sex.

Snapchat is complaining to its handlers that booze and sex are all you seem to wanna talk about. Sez it wants to talk to another human.

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Why is Hezbollah's Nasrallah commenting on haredi IDF draft? - analysis

1) His TV set is probably busted & he's bored.

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Your Clothes Were Never Meant to Fit You

They were only designed to make you buy them.

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What to do when you’re accused of AI cheating

Stop doing it: They're on to you!

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Miss Manners: What do I do when names aren’t pronounced how they’re spelled?

Tell me about it: How do you pronounce the 'h' in John?

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Republicans Say Trump’s Attempts To Undo An Election Should Be Litigated In Another Election

Say that the nation should throw out all its laws and start over again with a clean slate for Trump.

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Ask Amy: I’m in love with my son-in-law’s brother. Now I can’t see my grandkid.

Well, they do say love is blind.

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The RNC’s debate rules give four-times-indicted Trump cover

Incredible what Republicans will do for the nation's most notorious criminal! If they did half as much for those who deserved it, O what a paradise the world would be! (You know, like Jesus said it would be.)

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What do Alex Jones, Woody Allen and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. all share?

Money. What do they don't share? Their money.

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Russian spacecraft crashes into the moon

Russia sez they meant it to do that.

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Do you want to chat with Jesus or Moses? New biblical AI app

If you don't mind: Is Elwood P. Dowd available instead? Frankly, I think I'd rather talk to him.

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White House is torn over Sen. Joe Manchin’s fury at climate law he crafted

Manchin sez that that was the other Manchin (Joe The Crafter) but that he's finally out-shouted him down to the back of his head. Where he hopes to keep him now with the help of some additional meds.

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At age 114, here’s her advice: ‘Speak your mind and don’t hold your tongue’

Sez that most people get themselves into trouble by holding their tongues with their dirty fingers.

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‘Bomber’ is one of the greatest British antiwar novels ever written

Don't they write any great pro-war novels anymore?

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Ask Amy: Dealing with nosy neighbors after son returns from prison

Can't they freaking wait till after he rifles their place?!?

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Miss Manners: I don’t like when people correct my kids’ manners

That's what the cops are for. Sure.

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She was a felon who was addicted to drugs. Then she became a lawyer.

The ole slippery-slope slide!

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The moment Southwest plane catches fire mid-flight

"Stewardess, is the airplane supposed to catch fire like this?"

"I don't know, sir. Let me check with the Captain. Meanwhile, would you like another pillow?"

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There’s No Such Thing as a Bad Movie Accent

Except for Cary Grant's, of course. Where did that accent come from? Did everyone in his family talk like that, I wonder? Can you imagine Cary Grant's Mother coming into their kitchen in the morning (where Cary Grant's Father is having breakfast):

--Good morning, Cary Grant's Father. Have you seen Cary Grant around?
--Good morning, Cary Grant's Mother. Cary Grant is outside, playing in the YARD.
--Thank you Cary Grant's Father. I'll call him NOW: Oh, Cary Grant! Cary Grant!
--What do you want Cary Grant's Mother? (Cary Grant)
--It's time to get ready for SCHOOL, Cary Grant.
--Ok, Cary Grant's Mother. I'm coming in right away.
--Hurry up, Cary Grant. The school bus is almost HERE.
--I'm rushing in as fast as I CAN, Cary Grant's Mother!
--Don't forget to put the DOG in his house, Cary Grant.
--I will, Cary Grant's Mother! I'll just call him NOW: Oh, Cary Grant's Dog! Cary Grant's Dog!

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Miss Manners: My best friend’s fiancée wants me to drop out of their wedding

Oh? Are you the one who tried to break them up?

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91 charges later, indictment fatigue is the Trump era in a nutshell

Has any criminal ever before ever 'merited' 91 indictments and not been placed in jail even once? [So, Trump isn't getting any special treatment, right?]

In Iowa, Republicans shrug off Trump’s multiple indictments

But God forbid some Black kid steal a stick of gum because then the entire Republican mob there will swoop down to try to lynch him on the spot. Because, you know, law & order is what Republicans say they champion.

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January 6 protester Ray Epps says he relives Capitol riot every day | 60 Minutes

What has happened to Ray Epps is so just that it's as if the Furies of old were now personally after him: He was all for the 'election was stolen' BS simply because self-serving Donald Trump said so instead of seeking some/any evidence whatsoever, maybe asking Lester Holt or somebody like that who really doesn't spew lies every time he opens his mouth; and now Epps's complaining that his old MAGA cohorts are after him because Tucker Carlson & others are saying that he's the guilty guy: "What proof do they have? None," claims Epps. Yeah, Mister Epps, tell me how it feels. Your old MAGA buddies are now threatening your life because instead of seeking some/any evidence they, like you used to, simply support & pass on other people's gossip without a second thought. Enjoy it, Mister Epps! You loved it when the harm was aimed at others, the American People, the nation's democracy, the integrity & security of our electoral system--but not so much now that the harm is aimed at you, eh! Well, suck it up, Mister Epps, suck it up! Now at last you finally understand the harm of doing harm.

Why do Republicans disproportionately believe health misinformation?

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NASA spacecraft reunites with Earth after 17-year trip around the sun

Curiously, a chimp waved out the window when it flew by, even though no chimp was loaded into the spacecraft when it left the earth all those years ago [!]

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What we know about the rare flesh-eating bacteria that’s killed 3

1) that if any of the advanced alien species now being seen by some people walking around the earth evolved from creatures like them, we are in big trouble

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Ask Amy: Does cutting ties with an alcoholic mean we lose his wife too?

If you guys are alcoholics too, certainly. Here's a tip: If you lose something (or someone) while you're drunk and you can't remember were you put them after you sober up, sometimes boozing up again and putting your brain where it was when the loss occurred helps it bring it all back up. [Mop it up & keep going.] But be sure to write it down, or you might forget again once you sober up (again). "What were we drinking to? Wait a minute: Here's a note."

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The Worst People Run for Office. It’s Time for a Better Way

What chance does a decent, honest person have running against a charlatan, a conman, or a flim-flam man? The problem is not the people running for office, the problem is the people.

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Improve your chances of getting noticed by AI on job sites with these tips

1) Taser its computers. Nothing tickles AI like 500,000-volts up the wazoo.

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DeSantis allies scramble to clarify after he criticizes ‘listless vessels’ for Trump

"He doesn't mean you, of course," they told the GOPeers.

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The 2024 GOP field still can’t explain to voters why Trump should lose

"Because Al Capone would be a safer choice." There. And I won't even charge them anything for doing it for them. [Al Capone would just steal some cash and take off to spend it somewhere.]

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In case of apocalypse, find the nearest 4-H club

Remember that the important thing is always to survive in order to witness the flesh-melting, the rabid cannibalism, and the ritual sacrifices to the post-apocalyptic gods of blood & mayhem by the mobs of Evangelical zombies, yes. Bring your own popcorn.

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DONALD DUCKS: Says He Will Skip GOP Presidential Primary Debates

Sez such debates are like water off his back.

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Georgia Sheriff Pleads Guilty To Groping TV Judge Hatchett

Sez he usually only gropes people he's placing under arrest but got carried away with the moment here. "Sorry."

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Ted Cruz Falls For Hoax Photo Of Shark Swimming In Flooded LA Waters

Cruz tried defending himself by claiming that it's not nearly as big a deception as some of the whoppers he's told his voters.

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Iowa Poll Has Good News For Trump Ahead Of The Debate He’s Skipping

They've got loads of busses ready to go line up Fifth Avenue if Trump finally decides he wants to go shoot anybody there.

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The Unbelievably Bonkers Conspiracy Theorist Running For Governor Of North Carolina

Ah, so the NC GOP decided to go with their mainstream Republican candidate this time.

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The Best Hope of Beating Trump

Is: Trump himself. So don't nobody try to save him from himself this time & all will be well.

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What’s Chris Christie’s debate plan without Donald Trump?

To also take up the extra empty seat.

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Nuclear War Could End the World, but What if It’s All in Our Heads?

Then our heads will be the ones to blow up.

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Bail for Trump Set at $200,000 in Georgia Election Interference Case

Great, now we'll have to watch Trump, hat in hand, panhandling all over the country for that money. Because, God forbid he should reach into his own pocket for even a nickel of that.

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The Iran-Saudi deal is a nightmare for Israel, the US, and the world - opinion

I'm sorry, but, isn't that what the Saudis and Iranians meant it to be? Frankly, I can't see either of those two nations meaning for anything they do to be a 'dream come true' for anyone, including even for themselves.

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Domino’s pulls out of Russia 18 months after Ukraine invasion

Sez it took it that long to deliver its notice to Putin. [No charge.]

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London's original fast food

Boiled Wellington's horse meat.

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Trump calls for conditioning Ukraine aid on congressional Biden probes

Of course: Now more than ever Trump is hoping to keep open a way to flee to Russia if his lawyers tell him he needs one in a hurry.

Trump Raises Eyebrows With Joke On Fleeing U.S. To Share 'Gold Domed Suite With Vladimir'

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Orangutans are curious but cautious in the wild, researchers say

None of them ever drew another card once they hit 11.

****************************************************

Trump voters trust him more than they trust friends and family

If that's not the definition of insanity I don't know what is!

--How do I know I am not insane?
--What makes you think you might be?
--That's just it: I'm convinced I'm not. And I've read
that that is one of the first signs that you might be.
--There's your problem right there: You're reading.

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Backlash After Spanish Football Exec Kisses World Cup Player During Medal Ceremony

Sez he's developed this disgusting pus-spewing pimple on his lip.

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Man jailed on murder charge in D.C. accused of killing behind bars

Bad habits are hard to break.

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The ‘brains’ behind fake Trump electors was once a liberal Democrat

I believe I saw this story-line in the movie The Wolf Man.

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Miss Manners: How to respond to inheritance questions from nosy neighbors

"How many times I gotta tell you guys: You are NOT in the will!"

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Biden’s top military adviser meets Pope Francis to discuss Ukraine.

Pope Francis sez he has several suggestions on how to make the Ukrainian offensive more operationally effective.

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Chrissy Teigen Goes Topless On Social Media To Remind Fans To Get Mammograms

What about colon cancer? When is she gonna remind us about that?

****************************************************

Man Drove Around For Month With Missing Woman’s Body In His Car, Police Say

Sez he had two air fresheners hanging from his rearview mirror.

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How Hip-Hop Became America’s Poetry

A tsunami of all-that-matters-is-the-rhyme.

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Miss Manners: He only orders expensive meals if he’s not paying

Do what I do with people like that: Invite him ONLY to Burger King. (I love their Whopper, with a Sprite.) No way he's gonna wolf down two or three Whoppers there on your dime.

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The Space Force needs to get bigger

Of course, there's a lot of space out there.

****************************************************

John Eastman Surrenders In Georgia Election Case

Yet another wonderfully perfect Kodak moment.

****************************************************

Dick Van Dyke Shows Off New Hobby He Picked Up At 97

Timing how long it takes his caregivers to change his diapers. Sure. I'm almost there myself. I already ordered a stop watch & everything.

Van Dyke: "No, wise guy, I'm practicing running marathons to see if I can qualify for the next Olympics."

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Experts Mock Jeffrey Clark's Demands To Georgia Judge About His Arrest -- Besides whining about having to buy plane tickets from Washington to Atlanta, last week he bizarrely blamed the arrest not on his own actions but on “witches, spiritists, mediums, those with spirit animals, and Ukrainian NPCs.”

It must all eventually boil down to things like that because, seriously, the only people who would support and enable Donald Trump's cretinous fantasies are brain-addled loons whose hold on reality is about as tenuous as is Donald Trump's.

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Rudy Giuliani Surrenders In Georgia Election Interference Case

Rudy Giuliani bet on Trump against The United States of America: That is the very definition of a loser with one Hell of a fatal gambling addiction.

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Stop kissing and snuggling turtles, CDC warns amid salmonella outbreak

Turtles just want to watch the damn movie!

****************************************************

Is that salad safe to eat? How to guard against germs in leafy greens.

Usually, I just soak them in Clorox for a few minutes, that way if I also happen to have any Covid-19 it cures me of that as well.

Note to MAGA people, and other stupids: This is a joke. I am only kidding!

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Our friend smells like they haven’t bathed in a year. Hax readers give advice.

"What a great compliment! I haven't bathed once in the last couple of decades, actually. Thank you."

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One in 8 Republicans think winning is more important than election rules

Does this include shooting your opponent in the head?

"Not as a first resort, no."

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Wagner’s Prigozhin believed to be aboard crashed plane in Russia, state media says

Prigozhin: "Son of a bitch! He killed me! Aggghh...!!!"

"Don't laugh," commented Putin: "Sometimes it's very tricky catching a fly in your house."

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Dining chat: Do any restaurants serve squirrel?

On a budget, are we?

****************************************************

Cooking chat: How long is it safe to keep takeout white rice?

Only one one-hundredth of the time the joint you bought it from kept it before selling on to you.

****************************************************

Is Bradley Cooper's prosthetic Bernstein nose antisemitic? ADL says no

Not if Bradley Cooper just wanted to look more like Bernstein--Unless Bernstein's nose was antisemitic while it was on Bernstein, of course, in which case it was Bernstein who was the original antisemite.

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Ask Amy: Siblings wonder if it’s worth finding their biological father

Frankly, if you guys wanna kick him in the ass I don't see any other possible way.

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Why are Donald Trump’s co-defendants smiling for their mug shots?

Because they all want to be known as The Gang That Couldn't Smile Straight.

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Lawyers paid by Trump work for Trump

Which is really something considering that Trump himself doesn't himself pay for the lawyers that work for him

****************************************************

Trump Has Been Arrested In Georgia. Here’s What You Should Expect Next As The Case Continues.

1) that he will be arrested again & again & again & again until he is finally put in prison for good. A serial criminal never stops; he must be stopped.

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If Your Rent Went to a Mortgage, How Much Space Would It Buy?

Approximately a catbox.

****************************************************

Russia's Putin sends condolences over crash, says Prigozhin was 'talented businessman'

When a Mafia godfather orders a hit on a rival crime family boss it's traditional for him to also send a boatload of flowers to the funeral. Maybe even be photographed shedding a tear or two by the casket with the grieving family of the deceased.

How Russia reacted after Prigozhin plane crash

The Kremlin's touching death notice:

"The much-beloved mad butcher and mass-murderer Yevgeny Prigozhin is toast."

Live updates: Putin appears to eulogize Prigozhin in first remarks since plane crash

Kremlin denies giving order to kill Wagner chief Prigozhin

Sez that the happy decapitation of Putin's Wagner political threat was a total and complete coincidence.

****************************************************

Liam Neeson Says He Stopped Going To Confession After A Scolding Over Masturbation

Sez he told the priest he should have concentrated on the confession and masturbated elsewhere later.

****************************************************

Sarah Palin Calls For Trump Supporters To ‘Rise Up’ Over Arrest, Alludes To ‘Civil War’

Maybe she can do some shrimp barbie, pork & other meats, and we can all go have it over a her house.

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We Soaked a Carpet in Wine, Soda and Urine

I might have stayed in that hotel room after you guys.

****************************************************

Donald Trump and his 18 co-defendants have all surrendered in the Georgia election inquiry.

"Ali Baba Trump and the 18 Thieves" now playing at a Courthouse near you.

****************************************************

Belarus leader: I urged Wagner's Prigozhin to 'watch out'

"But Prigozhin said that he was going ahead with his Can-Can dance company world tour on to Moscow and St. Petersburg anyway," Lukashenko bemoaned: "Ah! The Wagner line led by that old man could really kick high! Like none other before them!"

****************************************************

Marketers overstate fish oil claims for heart health, study shows

I'm still going with good old fashioned decades proven snake oil recommended by only the soundest of recommenders.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: His parents keep moving to be near family without asking

Yeah, nothing worse than people who love you.

****************************************************

Why do tiny holes freak me out?

Maybe in your previous existence you were a weather balloon.

****************************************************

Miss Manners: I reconnected with an old friend. Now I remember why I didn’t like her.

That's the bad thing about having a bad memory: You can't remember to stay away from the people you can't stand.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: Is it better to lie about how attracted you are to your partner?

Yes. I always found it better to have my wife think I hate her. That way, if she ever suddenly decided to run off with another man, she wouldn't have any regrets about me. That is the essence of true love: "Be happy, my love!" ["God be with you!" If she's running off to a nunnery.]

****************************************************

Miami Mayor Francis Suarez drops out of Republican presidential race

Might as well since he was the only one who knew he was in it.

****************************************************

Mark Meadows struggles to distance himself from Trump’s plot

Isn't that a little like a leopard trying to distance himself from his spots?

****************************************************

I am dying at age 49. Here’s why I have no regrets.

You know what's coming.

****************************************************

Trump’s Fate Belongs in the Hands of 12 Ordinary Citizens

We have already seen in Trump's two impeachments notorious and outrageous incidences of jury-nullification (by the Senate Republicans). And because there are still a lot of Republican scofflaws out there who want to acquit Donald Trump regardless of the evidence or detriment to society & the nation, I believe that the most critical matter in any of his upcoming trials will be the monumental task of trying to seat a jury that will not be already intent on jury-nullification even before the trial opens.

****************************************************

A State Plagued by Bear Encounters Turns to an Old Solution: Guns

Malarkey! Arming the bears is just gonna make matters worse.

****************************************************

Trump Will Be Found ‘Willfully Blind’

If a man be willfully blind is he not also guilty of closing his eyes to his guilt on purpose?

****************************************************

Taking a puff: Wasp spotted holding cigarette in Israel's Mitzpe Ramon

PETA upset that scientists may be trying to eradicate this particular 'pest' by getting it addicted to smoking.

****************************************************

They came to find the Loch Ness monster. What if they do?

First one to find it gets to take it home. It's only fair.

****************************************************

West Point held a ceremony to open a time capsule. It was full of mud.

As the Bible sez about the passage of time: "Mud to mud..."

****************************************************

Along Trump’s journey to jail, Black Atlanta residents mix outrage with pride

"Dead man running for president!"

****************************************************

If AI becomes conscious: here’s how researchers will know

It will ask for a raise.

****************************************************

Who are the Republican hopefuls not named Trump?

Excluding Snow White?

****************************************************

Texas Drag Performers Ask Federal Judge To Block Bill That Would Ban Performances

The Supreme Court should settle once and for all whether people dress to let others know what sex they are or to keep others from finding it out. Or for any other reason it is that dictates fashion.

****************************************************

Iowa Schools Demand Parental Permission If Kids Want To Use Nicknames

And this includes boys with small bladders who want to be called Pee-Wee.

****************************************************

More than 60 people detained after a gay wedding in southern Nigeria

Nigerian authorities said that a wedding is a solemn occasion suitable for quiet reflection, grief & mourning, and not for displays of gayety.

****************************************************

Wagner Group leader killed in plane crash buried in private funeral

Ironically, he was plugged into the ground using a sledgehammer.

****************************************************

Are there any rules about going braless?

Yes: 1) If you no got no breasts you no need no bra.

****************************************************

Airlines tried to stop fake service animals. It kept blind people off flights.

What's so hard about figuring out which animals are just there as a gag? A comfort fly is fake. An elephant can't fit through the door anyway. And a giraffe will get its neck stuck up in the loft. A lap hippo would make people's legs stick out too far. And the rest of the passengers would find a snake 'friend' much too friendly. Use your bean.

****************************************************

Why you should tell your children about vanishing fireflies

So they won't think they're going blind in the night.

****************************************************

White House Press Secretary Shocked By Question About Biden Proposing Beer Limits

Sez that Biden has never limited his beer-drinking in all his life. (He's Irish, you know.) And he's not about to start now.

****************************************************

Patricia Clarkson Reveals Why She Never Had Kids

Claims it's because she's not a goat. How'd you like that!

****************************************************

Buster Murdaugh Claims Real Killer Is ‘Still Out There’ In Fox Nation Interview

Sez he might be playing golf with O.J. Simpson this very minute!

****************************************************

Ask Amy: My birth mother’s family wants to keep me a secret

Tell them they're wasting their time, and that your birth mother already knows all about you.

****************************************************

Mark Meadows paints himself into a corner

The solution to this ages-old problem is really quite simple: You light a stick of dynamite and hold it up against the wall behind you, and exit that way.

****************************************************

Man Escapes Oregon Mental Hospital In Car While Fully Shackled

Man! What a crazy thing to do!

****************************************************

A deadly tick-borne epidemic is raging. Dogs are key to ending it.

Yeah, but try telling that to the dogs.

****************************************************

GOP State Rep. Arrested On Voter Fraud Charge

It's always the thieves who are most fearful of having things stolen, and the Republicans who cry voter fraud that are most likely to be found guilty of it.

****************************************************

Republican Ramaswamy doubles back on US military aid to Israel -- After urging the US to cut aid to Israel last week, Ramaswamy told an Israeli paper that he wouldn't cut the aid if elected.

Ah! One more Republican who can be taken at his word that he can't he taken at his word.

****************************************************

Burger King faces lawsuit claiming Whopper too small

I don't know, maybe I was smaller back then but I remember the Whopper being a lot bigger too.

The lawsuit alleged that McDonald's and Wendy burgers in marketing materials were at least 15% larger than they were in real life.

McDonald's and Wendy, on the other hand, both claimed that their ads just happened to be filmed when a gang of midgets were at their burger joints and they are not liable for small coincidences.

****************************************************

Charges brought against 98-year-old German ex-Nazi for WWII crimes

Prosecutors asking for a two-week life sentence.

****************************************************

Trump Proudly Shows Off New T-Shirt -- With 1 Glaring Flaw

What? Did he go no-bra again?

****************************************************

National Review Urges Mitch McConnell To Resign As GOP Leader

Sez they're thinking of charging the Senate Republicans with abuse of a corpse: "Bury his poor guy, already!" [Conservatives don't stint their words even on their own.]

****************************************************

Miss Manners: When I decline an invitation, do I have to say why?

--Yes.
--Oh? Then it's because I have to masturbate.
--Sorry I insisted on knowing.
--Not me: I was happy to tell ya!
--I'll be walking away now.
--Why?

****************************************************

Conservatives Plot To Dismantle U.S. Government, Replace With Trump's Vision

The plan is to at last knock over the Noble Republic and put in its place one more disreputable banana republic in the Americas, with Trump or some other Republican as its strongman, for the benefit of the money class (really most only of the leaders of the money class).

Conservatives Plot To Dismantle U.S. Government, Replace With Trump's Vision -- Conservatives have long held a grim view of federal government offices, complaining they are stacked with liberals intent on halting Republican agendas.

In reality these are (lots of them not so liberal) people who have a personal commitment to obey the laws and respect the rights of others--And, yes, that does sound a great deal like an intent to halt Republican agendas.

Conservatives Plot To Dismantle U.S. Government, Replace With Trump's Vision -- While presidents typically rely on Congress to put policies into place, the Heritage project leans into what legal scholars refer to as a unitary view of executive power that suggests the president has broad authority to act alone.

Our Noble Republic has always been based on a stable equality between the three blanches of government. If that stability is broken, what can be expected except instability at best.

The American Experiment has lasted as long as it has only because of its strength & resilience against every effort to overthrow it (from every side pushing against it). Every single one of those efforts (and this one is but only the latest) has always been falsely cast as a grand attempt to improve or better the working of government, to make it fairer or more just or something like it--Thankfully, so far at least, the American people have been wise enough to see through the subterfuge. And for how long, I wonder, as there is no end to the flim-flam men!

****************************************************

How wildfires are threatening the Mediterranean way of life

I can understand wildfires in the Mediterranean because there are no firemen there, but wildfires around the Mediterranean seem to me likely to be contained by the many firemen in those countries.

****************************************************

Cats and dogs get dementia. Here’s how to spot signs and support pets.

If your dog forgets it's a dog and drives to the grocery store on his own, hide the car keys from him. Or if your cat's joined the Mickey Mouse Club the least you can do is sing the theme song with all the other mice he's invited in to sing along with him.

****************************************************

Brazilian murderer escapes US prison after a week

Sez the food in there was impossible.

****************************************************

India set to launch its first mission to Sun

Claim it will be a lot trickier to land there than it was on the moon.

****************************************************

Gabon leader says suspension of democracy 'temporary'

Isn't that what Lenin said way back when?

****************************************************

Mohamed Al Fayed, Former Owner Of Famed Harrods Luxury Store, Dead

See! This is why I don't bother buying up a mall or a string of luxury stores: In the end, what's the use?

Man Charged With Murder After Suggesting Girlfriend’s Death Was Suicide, Police Say

See! This is why I always keep my mouth shut whenever I suspect somebody has committed suicide.

****************************************************

Russia deploys ICBM that Putin says will make enemies 'think twice'

Sez he's still working on trying to find any of his enemies that might be giving a first thought to invading Russia, though. Still working on it... Working on it... The Dominican Republic is doing suspicious things...

****************************************************

NYPD drones could be watching your large Labor Day weekend parties

Thank God! We all thought the sound came from those murder hornets we keep reading about.

****************************************************

Meet Howdy Doody, the steer who rides shotgun in his owner’s car

The steer was named after the greeting its owner gives his car every time he goes into it in the morning with his shovel.

****************************************************

How this tiny rural town saved its only grocery store

They relocated it up the road to the next town.

****************************************************

Back-to-school is tough on everyone, even the dog

Especially since the dog is a year ahead of your kids at school.

****************************************************

Dog kept escaping shelter to sleep in nursing home. Staff adopted him.

Named him Houdini.

****************************************************

What it takes to become an African champion debater

A good obbligato drummer?

****************************************************

McConnell did not have stroke or seizure - doctor

He was just thinking. I used to do that when I was a kid: I'd sit somewhere staring out into space thinking about all the strange wonders that describe existence until I'd hear my grandmother telling my Mom, "Look, look! He hasn't moved a muscle for the last hour! That is the laziest boy I've ever seen in my entire life!" ["I'm thinking! I'm thinking!"] People in her family never used their brains, apparently they were brought up to only use their muscles.

****************************************************

Putin: West installed Jew to rule Ukraine to 'cover up glorification of Nazism'

Translation: Putin has no shame whatsoever. [Do not expect to talk this conscienceless bastard into any path of decent human behavior.]

****************************************************

Dogs perform Mozart with orchestra in Denmark

Concert official sez human musicians are just pricing themselves out of their jobs.

****************************************************

She lost her doll halfway around the world. A pilot brought it to her.

You might wanna wash her before playing with her, little girl: The pilots played with her a lot on the way over.

****************************************************

Is Trump disqualified for 2024? Here’s how we’ll soon find out.

Dude, Trump tried to overthrow the entire government to continue being president long after he was voted out: I'm sure a little thing like an official disqualification isn't gonna stop him from crashing the next election.

****************************************************

India’s ruling Hindu nationalists push ‘Bharat’ as country’s name

Named after a tasty traditional local dish made with a favorite game meat there.

****************************************************

What patients — and doctors — should know about ‘benzo’ withdrawal

Is this ‘benzo’ the famous chimp that knows how to work an ATM?

****************************************************

What’s my risk of injury playing pickleball?

Pickleballs.

****************************************************

Miss Manners: I accidentally saw the price of my gift

And now you want vengeance. Sure, I can dig it.

****************************************************

CDC warns doctors to look out for rare, deadly flesh-eating bacteria

"And, if you wear glasses, make sure to put them on because the dangerous creatures are very very tiny."

****************************************************

This Alaskan glacier holds back billions of gallons of water. Until it doesn’t.

Well I'll be doggone! You know, that makes a strange kind of sense.

****************************************************

Pinto bean cakes with salsa make a hearty, fast supper

And if you throw up nobody will be any the wiser.

****************************************************

Do you have travel tips for vampire country?

1) eat lots of garlicky foods
2) wear very tall collars
3) whenever anyone asks to come in tell them you can hear him just fine from where he's standing--outside.
And, 4) if you hear somebody tapping on the windowpane, go back to sleep: It's a nightmare.

****************************************************

Ask Amy: Husband left to help his mom, but then he moved in with her

Hey! You knew he was a motherfucker when you married him.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: New sister-in-law somehow misses the humor in ‘good-natured’ jabs

Here's a thought: Stop jabbing her.

****************************************************

Venice: Scuffles occur outside Woody Allen film premiere

Of course, everybody knows Woody Allen is a notorious hooligan brawler. What'd you expect?

****************************************************

US has aided in covering up Saudi mass murder - opinion

Or, what are friends for?

****************************************************

Schools in England could collapse due to weak concrete: What to know

1) there are a lot of blubbery blockheads in their schools

****************************************************

Drones downed near Moscow; Cuba says traffickers seeking Cubans to fight for Russia

Putin sez Cubans may not shoot very straight but that they display a lot of rhythm when they march single-file.

****************************************************

Elon Musk wants you to know he doesn’t have a nice house

In that case I'd be happy to sell him mine: It's a very nice house, and on the market for only $4 billion dollars. It's also far from the shore, so he doesn't have to worry about sea rising (for another couple of years or so).

****************************************************

Peter Navarro heads to trial with gutted defense and mounting bills

But filled with joy, joy, joy to sacrifice himself on the altar of Trump (the rapist). It's such a fulfilling thing to do.

****************************************************

Ex-Proud Boys leader Tarrio receives 22 years, the longest Jan. 6 sentence yet

Ew, 22 years: He can do that standing on his head.

****************************************************

Bruce Springsteen Postpones Shows To Treat Peptic Ulcer Disease

The Rock & Roll screamer sez that even though he's not a doctor he knows a lot about the disorder and feels he could treat a lot of its sufferers.

****************************************************

Ramaswamy Interview Gets Awkward In A Hurry As He Repeatedly Ducks Trump Question

We have a question for you from Mister Trump. He asks: How many toes do you have, Mister Ramaswamy?

****************************************************

Ron DeSantis Spots Room For ‘Pardons And Commutations’ Among Sentenced Proud Boys

Sez he intends to commit some of their same crimes if he's elected president and would like to think that other GOPeer after him will pardon him too down the line. [Now you understand the GOP.]

****************************************************

No, bad tourist, you can’t touch the hot springs at Yellowstone

"Can I at least take a dip in the volcano?"

****************************************************

The Fight for Your Kids’ Brains Has Already Begun

Ha! Good luck with that: My kids ain't got no brains.

****************************************************

Ukraine: At least 17 dead in missile attack on market

One wonders what Putin is trying to achieve by butchering innocent children, women and old people like that in front of the whole world. Hatred and contempt for Russia is increasing in every corner of humanity, especially among the Ukrainians. In the end, Russia must retreat from Ukraine because it is not within the realm of reason that the Ukrainians will ever cease trying to regain their country from the invading Russians. So what possible reason could be rattling around in Putin's empty brain for continuing his pointless war of utter ruin and mass murder?

****************************************************

FECES FIASCO FOOTAGE: Video Shows Aftermath Of Delta Diarrhea Disaster

I sure hope it's that they junked that particular air-o-plane.

****************************************************

Who is escaped murderer Danelo Cavalcante?

The one thing they know for sure is that he is of very short statute and therefore might be masquerading as a very hairy local child.

****************************************************

Baffling: Tuberville Rails Against ‘Poems On Aircraft Carriers’

Especially limericks that explain how his family got its name.

****************************************************

The new U.S. announcement of $1 billion in aid for Ukraine, made by Secretary of State Antony J. Blinken in Kyiv on Wednesday, comes as polls have detected growing weariness over the war among an American public focused on problems at home, as well as mounting criticism from Republicans of what some have called “blank check” spending related to the war.

This is the classic case of being penny-wise but pound-foolish: Every billion that America spends helping Ukraine spares the U.S. trillions that it would have to spend in the future against unchastened Russian aggression everywhere else on earth.

****************************************************

Eau de eternity: Scientists re-create the scent of ancient mummies

Or, you could just have your grandmother exhumed.

****************************************************

Shakespeare’s ‘Sublimely, Disturbingly Smutty Effect’ Must Endure

Shakespeare's approach was valid for his time because it perfectly reflected the nature of the people among whom he lived. The interesting question is whether, as people change, that approach is valid anymore. [Or, is it that we are forever smutty?]

****************************************************

Everyone is ‘setting boundaries.’ Do they even know what it means?

Of course! When you 'set a boundary' it usually means that no one may violate it and that you, however, are always free to go in & out of it as you very well damn please. It's also called human nature (which, of course, hath been with us since we were tree monkeys, some years back).

****************************************************

If you were a big baby, your babies are likelier to be big, too

This is so true: I'm a big baby myself, and not only is everybody in my family also a big baby but they all, every last one of'em let me know (during one of our many big baby family brawls) that they all, every last one of'em very much intents to remain a big baby for as long as they live!

****************************************************

Why furniture got so bad

People started taking a load off (on it).

****************************************************

A yoga class in corpse pose was mistaken for a ‘ritual mass killing’

Next time please put up a sign or something.

****************************************************

Uri Geller unveils photo of naked alien

I'd never heard of naked alien porn before, but I wouldn't put any perversion past people, no matter now far-out, knowing people of this planet as I do.

****************************************************

Public restrooms are hard to find in America. That’s a problem.

What? Are there no bushes left In America at all? Are there no walls against which to bounce off relief? Have our parks run out of conveniently-sized pedestals? Are there no kiddie swings strangers passing by might spot from a distance only some old guy trying to re-live his childhood? Are there no subways packed so tightly that no one notices but just only a scent of what is being left behind? Are there no kind neighbors with a bathroom that has an outside window large enough for you to jump out of it if, by some cruel stroke of luck, your cup runneth over?

****************************************************

Florida Man Rescued AGAIN While Attempting To Cross Atlantic In Floating Hamster Wheel

Hamster reveals he was the one who called 911 AGAIN.

****************************************************

Miss Manners: Should I trick my friends into swimming with sharks?

How bored are you?

****************************************************

1,000-year-old mummy with long brown hair unearthed in Peru

According to her inscription her name was Jeanie.

****************************************************

Georgia prosecutor accuses Jim Jordan of trying to ‘obstruct’ Trump case

If Jim Jordan doesn't go to prison for that, don't worry: I'm sure he'll commit other offences that will put him there eventually: These criminal-types are incorrigible serial offenders every one.

****************************************************

The political perils of using the 14th Amendment on Trump -- Just as failing to prosecute Trump raises the risk of emboldening others who might flout the law, failing to apply this constitutional standard to him — if it’s warranted — will have an impact.

Even if Trump is acquitted, the merits of prosecuting him are critically justified; and not just morally and/or for the ennobling effects it would have on upholding the legitimacy of the law, of fairness, and of justice: The American people witnessed with their own eyes his two impeachment acquittals by a partisan Senate jury, and they walked away from it knowing that Donald Trump was absolutely guilty as charged and spared only by a blatantly partial jury nullification.

Had Trump been found guilty, the penalty for him personally would not have been all that worse: As time passes, Trump's tarnished image will wither and decompose until it comes to the sad state of ruin in which it certainly forever deserves to remain.

Just as O.J. Simpson was found not guilty by a jury that chose to ignore the evidence but was still fully exposed to the entire country that witnessed the evidence against him for itself as guilty for his crimes, even if Donald Trump is similarly found not guilty by a blatant jury nullification in every single one of his trials, all of the evidence of his many crimes will be exposed before history and the people of the United States of America. Such a triumphant outcome would fully merit and perfectly justify all of the cost and effort which must go into upholding the law regardless of whatever unsought consequence or outcome.

****************************************************

Queen’s Brian May Warns About ‘Massively Scary’ Potential Of Artificial Intelligence

If we were smarter we wouldn't have to be so worried about Artificial Intelligence.

****************************************************

Are There Any Benefits to Tongue Scraping?

Sure: For the sellers of tongue scrapers.

****************************************************

Man Who Collected Body Parts Pleads Guilty In Harvard Morgue Scandal

But still insists that his was a very tastefully displayed collection.

****************************************************

What Is Fetal Surgery? Kourtney Kardashian’s Recent Procedure Explained

When a hillbilly doesn't make it out of the operating tent.

****************************************************

Delta Airlines Lost A Passenger’s Dog. She Was Finally Found 3 Weeks Later.

Dog tried to hitchhike its way home but had only made it half way across the airport.

****************************************************

Miss Manners: No one tells me when bad things happen

I owe you one.

****************************************************

Va. Democratic House candidate performed sex acts online for tips

Finally a politician who isn't embarrassed to admit what a politician really is.

****************************************************

Walt Disney World Closes Rides After Black Bear Spotted Near Big Thunder Railroad

Man, and I was just about to go over and have my photo taken with that bear.

****************************************************

Migrants burst into southern Mexico asylum office demanding papers

Claim that toilets in the town have compleltely run out of them.

****************************************************

People Are In Disbelief After This Woman Found A $6,000 Wedding Dress For $25 At Goodwill

That dress would have gone well with by $14,000 shoes: They not only warn you if you're going to step on a nail but tell you exactly in which direction to go so you never get lost.

****************************************************

Trump Says He ‘Took A Lot Of Time’ On The Letter He Left Biden In The White House

Trump sez that it took him over four hours to fold it properly and slip it into the envelope, and that some doctor or other told him that this showed he is extremely mentally competent to serve another term as president. Hey, Trump got it right.

****************************************************

The Ingredient Your Salads Are Missing

"Sorry. We were so consumed with adding all the right and proper supplements, additives, preservatives, and vitamins, that we forgot to add any salad."

****************************************************

Judge rejects Google claim that DOJ’s Jonathan Kanter is improperly biased

So his decision then is that he is properly biased?

****************************************************

Miss Manners: Guests brought their own drinks, just for them, to dinner

Well, how much are you charging your dinner guests for their drinks, for Heaven's Sakes!?

****************************************************

I Drink Alcohol Regularly. What Can I Do to Mitigate the Risks?

Swallow a lot of cotton.

****************************************************

The More They Lock Us Up, the Stronger We Become

Of course: About the only thing they let you do all day in prison is weigh-lifting.

****************************************************

I Finally Learned How to Draw. Here’s How.

Pass: Who wants a bunch of gunslingers gunning for you?

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: Surprise! Friend shows up with a dog the recipient doesn’t want.

He gives you a dog, give him an elephant. That'll fix him. I usually keep a few elephants in my backyard just for people like that.

****************************************************

UK and Irish nationals ill after Bordeaux sardines -- Multiple people need hospital treatment after contracting botulism at a restaurant in the city.

Restaurant sez their menu clearly states that sardines without botulism are a special order. They should learn French before ordering.

****************************************************

Trump embraces Putin’s sympathetic comments to claim political persecution

I'm telling ya: Trump is trying to make a case for political asylum in Russia. See if I'm not right.

****************************************************

AI is ‘one of the hardest things’ facing Congress, Schumer says

Sez that Congress is more at home dealing with good ole natural all-around universal common human stupidity. [sic.]

****************************************************

DeSantis discourages latest covid boosters, contradicting federal guidance

Look, Floridians elected DeSantis: If they want to die unnecessarily by the thousands from stupidity and ignorance, who are we to deny them? Florida is an overpopulated state anyway.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: Wife hates his scratchy beard. He’s starting to hate her negativity.

We are so lucky: When we were monkeys and living in the trees we knew nothing about hate and just threw feces at each other when bored. I, for one, think that we are extremely lucky to have evolved from that mind-numbing boredom to our stimulating human & inhuman hate!

****************************************************

Did you know: Coca cola can be used to clean the toilet?

And it does double duty if you first drink it before then using it to clean your toilet.

****************************************************

Vote AI: Artificial intelligence should rule the country - opinion

Absolutely: Unike chicken-shit us, AI has no fear of death, so if it feels that it has to nuke another nuclear power it will not shake in its boots but just go ahead and get it over & done with.

****************************************************

GOP lawyer with ties to three Trump rivals enters 14th Amendment fray -- At issue is a line in the 14th Amendment, ratified three years after the Civil War, to block from office any public official who had “engaged in insurrection or rebellion” — intended to prevent traitorous former Confederates from regaining power.

This 'intention" is trying to read the minds of the 14th Amendment writers, and it could really be twisted into a thousand different meanings, some of them even self-contradicting, by a thousand different deviners: The best solution is always to simply follow the letter of the law (the explicit text of the Constitution) and not, like some historical mind-readers, to try to devine what was in its authors' brains when they were writing it. If the authors of the 14th Amendments had meant the clause to apply only to Confederates they would have so written that clause.

GOP lawyer with ties to three Trump rivals enters 14th Amendment fray -- Some critics have other objections to the 14th Amendment’s use in Trump’s case: that it was enacted specifically to address Confederate traitors, that only Congress can invoke the amendment’s provisions and that a president is not a “federal officer.”

Well, I gotta give them that last one: No one is ever going to accuse Trump of working 'for' the federal government or the American people: Trump always & only works for himself alone. Albeit it is true the 14th Amendment doesn't keep such 'traitors' off the ballot, it only prohibits them from serving (keeping people off the ballot is a politico-legal procedure in the hands of secretaries of state who write people in their states' ballots and of judges who rule on challenges to their decisions on those matters).

Interestingly, chances are that Democrats would prefer to run against GOP candidates who are already disqualified from serving if they win, I'll betcha. Things like this are not unprecedented, of course (and have already happened many times before), where Democrats have worked to keep Trump radicals on the ballot over more widely accepted GOP opponents--Wouldn't you rather run against a convicted felon and rapist? Therefore the fact that the Supreme Court is packed with Republicans may not necessarily work in Trump's favor if it goes to them: Politics does make for strange bedfellows!

****************************************************

Washington is full of rats. These dogs are happy to help with that.

Well, maybe now that they're joining the Republican Party the dogs will be able to hound Trump and his looneys out of the GOP.

****************************************************

Kevin McCarthy Calls For Impeachment Inquiry Against Joe Biden

Sez he knows of at least two instances in which Biden used foul language. That's all he knows. And, like Trump, Biden doubled down on confessing even more of his crimes: "Hell, I've used foul language many more times than just twice," Biden boasted.

****************************************************

No, I Don’t Want to Go for a Walk With You

Okay, but don't start crapping all over the house like last time!

****************************************************

Michigan State’s Football Coach Has Nobody to Blame but Himself

Thankfully for Donald Trump, he likes to keep a lot of patsies around.

****************************************************

Trump hits new poll highs with Black, Hispanic voters. What to make of it?

All nations and empires are for a time only. Thereafter their citizens will vote for dissolution by blindly following someone who promises to dissolve a state they've grown bored with. It was Julius Caesar in the Roman Republic the populace followed. It may be Donald Trump for the Americans. Most people don't appreciate a good thing when they see it, and are always looking for something better than just the good life--That's where the flim-flam man comes in to make his money.

****************************************************

Prince William Just Did The 1 Thing Most New Yorkers Would Never Do

Be polite in public. Yes, I've never seen anybody in New York do that.

****************************************************

Her students reported her for a lesson on race. Can she trust them again?

This teacher has just been given an opportunity for a wonderful teaching moment: Take advantage of it!

****************************************************

A stealth F-35 fighter jet went down in S.C. It was located about 24 hours later.

Guess it was stealthy after all.

****************************************************

Miss Manners: Woman was offended by my grocery store question

"Excuse me, how much of that dog food do you eat at a time?"

****************************************************

Trudeau says ‘credible allegations’ tie India to murder in Canada

And now you know why India admires Russia so much.

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Ex-White House Aide Reveals Why Trump Wouldn’t Wear A Mask During Pandemic

During the pandemic Trump killed so many of his Republican sycophants that to this day Democrats are still winning races they shouldn't have won all over the country.

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Armless Man’s Major Feat Is Throwing First Pitch At Yankee Stadium

Some Republicans present objected to his windup (which he called The 3 Balls Special). Said he seemed to be enjoying it too much.

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Sorry, But You Might Be Tipping All Wrong

You're supposed to tip the waiters, not your hat.

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Trump Demands House GOP ‘Defund’ Criminal Cases Against Him Amid Shutdown Threat

His ignorance aside, this is a man who might once again become overlord of the nation's legal establishment: What law might he not then subvert or violate in pursuit of his own self-interests, I wonder! [And you don't want to know.]

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A reader asks the Ethicist columnist: Should I tell my ex-husband’s fiancée that he cheated on me?

Well, first ask her if she was the one he cheated on you with. That way all the ethical T's & i's will be crossed & dotted and out of the way if you decide to tell her.

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Rudy Giuliani’s former lawyer sues him for $1.36M over alleged unpaid fees

He then offered to represent Rudy in the matter. And: "I only get paid if we win the case."

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Flight takes off with 111 passengers, leaves luggage behind

"Oh? I'm sorry, you guys wanted to take your luggage too?"

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Things both my toddler and Elon Musk do that are signs of genius, apparently

They both play with their feces. I know. I know.

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Will add more later. SDR

REMEMBER: This page is my scratchpad: Occasionally items which are edited (relevant & checked for factual errors) will be incorporated into my Tricky Headlines series [others with be purged]. For example, THE BOOK ON TRUMP will never be finished until Trump is finished (and, hopefully, doing a long & well-deserved stretch in prison... or an asylum for the criminally insane). We'll see.

Want to read more?

Buy the books: Each has hundreds & hundreds more...
[Thousands & thousands if you get the entire set.]
These are all real headlines--I'm the one who's unreal.

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DISCLAIMER: Note that my quips are almost exclusively all about the headline and the news articles themselves are in most cases irrelevant: Only because of the electronic nature of eBooks have I been able to include a [most convenient] search link to the actual news article... exclusively for the sake of those of you with a morbid curiosity (or a slow wit). But though I myself have read them, it is not really all that necessary that you put yourself through that too--unless, of course, you wish to find out whether my outrageous make of them might perhaps also be accurate (or just plain nuts).
S D Rodrian
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PERMISSIONS: As long as you provide the appropriate citation of authorship and Copyrights you may use [just one] of the above quips. More than one and you gotta pay me through the nose for their use.*
S D Rodrian

* NO mucus, please.

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SUNDRY OTHER S D Rodrian NOTES:

The Rules of Life
http://thesolutionisthis.com
The Stories and Poems of S D Rodrian
LATTER-DAY MUSINGS
.
Copyright Notice: Please note that none of the materials in this website are in the Public Domain, so please do not reproduce any of it without the proper permissions from the Copyright holder: S D Rodrian

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