When the news get too depressing these are the books to read.

Now, where can one find happiness? Always a good place to start is: anywhere a good, sound couple of laughs wash away the alternative, of course. And each of the Tricky Headlines eBooks holds hundreds and hundreds of laughs for the having. Here you can enjoy the hilarious, definitely not politically correct (PC) quips, comments, and invariably irreverent observations of/by S D Rodrian on today's news headlines collected in this ever continuing series of books intended most especially of all for the latest eReaders out there (each & every available tablet, computer, and iPhone you can buy).

In a world of serious, sad, and even quite tragic circumstances (a world in which about the greatest need is & always will remain the need for laughter), humor always is the point of departure here... ever the abiding goal of these forthright takes on today's so very truly tricky headlines.

S D Rodrian

[Below you can read some of their contents.]

Although they aren't really intended for sale until after my death
you may buy advance copies of the ebooks now being compiled, here:

Latter-Day-Musings / S D Rodrian
Barnes And Noble  Walmart  KOBO eBooks  Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)

THE BOOK ON TRUMP
Tricky Headlines 6 / S D Rodrian
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Walmart  Kobo
There is no better book to understand both the follies
and the folly of Donald Trump.

Tricky Headlines 5 / S D Rodrian
Happy Schadenfreudes to You Democrats & Republicans!
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Walmart  Kobo

Tricky Headlines 3 / S D Rodrian
The World Is Funnier Than It Lets On
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Walmart  Kobo

Tricky Headlines 4 / S D Rodrian
Sinful Pleasures of the Anti-Politically Correct
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Walmart  Kobo

Tricky Headlines 1 / S D Rodrian
A profound treatise upon the human condition.
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Walmart  Kobo

Tricky Headlines 2 / S D Rodrian
An Amusing Stare Into The Tragedies of Man.
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Walmart  Kobo

Continuing this flippant series of hilarious eBooks exploiting the apparent inability of the writers & editors of today's "Tricky Headlines" to compose clear, unambiguous copy--Puzzlement, amazement, outrage, and the humor of their folly, silliness, ambiguity, injustice, intent to deceive, along with all the rest of it. Intended for an adult audience (think of these items as comics without the graphics). Every collection suitable to be the ideal reading companion for any seated occasion.
eBook Image

Do buy my eBooks and help me to topple Bill Gates off the top of that swanky Forbes's list. eBook Image

What, you want to get bogged down in some inane novel written by a tiresome pointless novelist, or you wanna laugh at the stupidity of Man?

[You may preview these eBooks at Amazon.com]

       The Kindle Store

              The Perfect Gift
            for friend or enemy
*******************************************************************************************************

       Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at The KOBO Store.

       S D Rodrian's eBooks at Walmart

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       Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at Barnes & Noble.

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You can a rate & review of the Tricky Headlines at Amazon.com, but note the two reviews already there: One verified purchaser of an ebook wrote a four star review saying he/she found it a "funny take on news" although cautioning it is not "very politically correct." While a reviewer named "Clara" (who doesn't appear to have bought the book) writes ungrammatically that "she" found its writing: "So. Horribly. Written. So poorly written. The world is dumber with this book’s publication” as if Tricky Headlines were Tolstoy and not standup--beside leaving one wondering how "Clara" could review a book "she" could never have read, of course. [Reads a bit like Trump, doesn't it.] But don't be a clairvoyant like "Clara." Buy a book and THEN review it.

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  "Remember: If you don't want me to quip
    about you, just stay out of the headlines!
"

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AI poses ‘risk of extinction’, industry leaders warn

Well, if it dies it dies.

Leaders claim that AI is perfectly capable right now of talking us all to death. [And one day soon it may be even more capable than Trump of driving us nuts!]

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Uganda imposes death penalty for ‘aggravated homosexuality’

I'm finding it hard to imagine more homosexual than homosexuality. So, ‘aggravated homosexuality’ must be something like homosexuality along with some regular heterosexual activity on top of it--?

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China sends three into space, says it wants astronauts on moon by 2030

Sez it is very eager to see somebody, anybody, for whatever reason, eager to return to China once out of it.

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The Real Reason Your Groceries Are Getting So Expensive

Grocers are charging more?

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Bear helps itself to 60 cupcakes at a Connecticut bakery

Ironically, he never touched the bear claws. (Maybe he doesn't like raisins.)

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Brazil’s Lula promised to save democracy. Why is he embracing Maduro?

Because Fidel Castro is dead? [How many times I gotta tell you: It's not what they say, it's what they do!]

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ChatGPT ‘hallucinates.’ Some researchers worry it isn’t fixable.

Toddlers also hallucinate at first: That's why you have to set boundaries for them. In the end, all children eventually learn to not question the boundaries of reality from the very real pains (of all sorts) that stepping outside the boundaries of reality inflicts upon them: Pain teaches us that no matter what we might like to imagine, we must all learn to discover and strictly obey the boundaries that reality has set for us. Now, develop a means to inflict pain [in whatever form] on AI and it too will learn that everything outside the boundaries of reality is to be ignored or avoided at all costs and without question in every instance, and with no exception or exemption whatever at all. Just like us.

True, some people never learn the boundaries of reality and remain crazy or 'perverted' deep into adulthood. Some of them even manage to keep their unhinged behavior secret from others and to appear to be perfectly normal (somehow managing to fake their way through their entire lives); and some fail subtly or even spectacularly. But it behooves us to devise a technological methodology to prevent AI from falling into this unfortunate human rabbit hole that plagues us (a sort of technological psychiatry). It's all rather involved but utterly fascinating, and utterly required if we are to keep AI from going off the rails on us. You know, growing up to be a scofflaw like Trump & so many other psychopaths.

Because AI is mostly a software personality, though, it's probable that the solution can be designed as just one more 'master hallucination' to overwhelm & smother all others--that is, give AI a software unshakeable superstition that reality trumps what cannot be proven to be real (all other superstitions). [Or some-such.]

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A.I. Could Bring Humanity To The Brink Of Extinction, Experts Warn

Ha! Same thing they said about bubble gum when it first came out.

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Black Nun Whose Body Shows Little Decay Since 2019 Death Draws Crowds To Rural Missouri

Cindy Crawford's body still seems to be an even bigger draw, though, showing little decay also for far longer than that--

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New Ad Calls On Justice Clarence Thomas To Resign

"Will the thief who's been hotwiring cars around our neighborhood please turn himself in to the cops. Thank you." [Does this ever work?]

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Rare creature – the only one of its kind – spotted wrestling in China, photos show

Oddly, he was wrestling the same exact way that your parents were wrestling that night when as a kid you wandered into their bedroom unexpectedly. "Go back to sleep!"

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Donald Trump Vows To Abolish A Part Of The Constitution On ‘Day One’ If He Wins

And now it's explicitly stated that Donald Trump considers himself above the law. Ask no more.

And if you think he 'can't do it' consider that the debt ceiling statute is nullified by the Constitution as well but is still being faithfully worshipped by all the congressional demons in office.

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Russian President Vladimir Putin accuses Ukraine of 'terrorist activities'

Even for Putin, that's pushing it a bit.

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Russian court prepares way for new trial against jailed Kremlin foe Navalny

Hopefully this time, with a good lawyer, he'll be found innocent.

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Theodoros Pangalos, outspoken Greek former foreign minister, dies at 84

That's it? That's his obit?!? That's what he was best known for?

Waiter: "Your coffee, sir."

Pangalos: "This coffee is too cold. And bitter!"

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These ants build tall nest hills to help show the way home

Myrmecologists said they deduced this after finding lots & lots & lots of itty-bitty teeny-weeny binoculars.

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Miss Manners: What am I supposed to do with olive pits when entertaining?

What I do is: I passionately but very discreetly French my dog and pass them on to him. That way I don't upset my guests.

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The Kremlin’s spokesman, Dmitri S. Peskov, on Wednesday told reporters that Russia “would have preferred to hear at least some words of condemnation” of the drone attack from Western capitals.

Dmitri, Western Capitals have been condemning attacks on civilians since the start of Russia's invasion, in fact. It's just that most of those attacks have been carried out by Russia against Ukrainian civilians, so you've been ignoring them.

The W.H.O. said it had verified 1,004 Russian attacks on health facilities since the full-scale invasion began in February of last year, more than it has recorded in any other humanitarian emergency. Those attacks killed 101 people, including medical workers and patients, and injured many more, the agency said.

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Prosecutors have recording of Trump discussing sensitive Iran document -- The audio features Trump describing a multi-page document that he claims is about possibly attacking Iran, expressing a desire to share that information with others but also making some kind of acknowledgment that he shouldn’t do so, the people said.

Donald Trump is a walking/talking psychopathic danger to everone around him: If Donald Trump knows where you parked your car you'd better hurry up right now and move it before word gets out to car thieves because anything this guy knows is soon passed on to the worst possible elements out there.

Legal Experts Predict Dire Outcome For Donald Trump After Tape Report

Ex-Trump Attorney: Prosecutors Have 'Their Foot On His Neck' In Obstruction Case

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Food poisoning often caused by sick restaurant workers, CDC says

Sick or not, food workers gotta feed their families too, you know! Everybody has to make their own sacrifices where warranted. (Ask your restaurants to pay their sick workers to stay home.) OR: "Mangia! Ammalarsi!"

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Candidate charged with shooting at Democrats’ homes after election loss

If Republicans will stoop to murder for an election, what won't they stoop to!

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Ask Amy: Can I sell collectible items given to me by an ex-friend?

Well, an honorable man would return them to her, of course. But you? You can do anything you want with them: They're yours, right? Bitch gave'em to'ya!

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Marsupials are evolving faster than humans, other animals – study

Yes, but we humans feel that we have evolved enough already! And we're even thinking of going back up the trees where we think we really belong these days. [Let marsupials take it for a while.]

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Trump Is Promising Peace In A Second Term. War With Iran Seems More Likely.

I don't know... like Putin and the Saudis, Iranians know that the way to Trump's heart is through renting lots of Trump properties. And Iranians got enough moola to buy a lot of peace with a second term Trump.

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Ron DeSantis Is Letting Hundreds Of Thousands Of Poor Floridians Lose Health Coverage

In Ron DeSantis's defense: He's counting on their poverty & poor health keeping them from travelling to the polls to vote.

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Did the University of Maryland once make men swim nude in swim class?

You mean before the last gay swimming instructors left?

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YouTube stops deleting false 2020 election claims

Like Trump, they found out that there's just too much money to be made in it.

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Ron DeSantis Is Trying To Prove That He’s A Human

Ah, then he's appealing to Democrats too!

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Here’s How We Can End the War in Ukraine

Pray that the Russian people join the human race someday.

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Man is killed after wearing Nikes accused gang members told him not to wear, feds say

Nothing worse than when the whole gang is trying to tap-dance and one sob comes in wearing sneakers!

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Here’s why a Miami firm recalled 13,000 pounds of chicharrón from New York, other states

Guy lost track of which bag specifically it was he was sticking the roaches into?

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Unfinished projects sat in glassmaker’s workshop for over 1,700 years — until now

Glassmaker said he wanted them done just right.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger Says Heaven Is ‘Fantasy’ And ‘Nothing’ Happens When We Die

Sure, of course, for robots.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger Details Moment He Told Maria Shriver About Maid’s Son

"Marria, I am a fadda. But I have to tell you this: You are not the modda. And I have roof of this, Ya."

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At 90, Broadway legend Chita Rivera looks back on her life

Sez, at 90, she can't run back over her life anymore. Only look.

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Apple unveils Vision Pro, its $3,499 augmented-reality headset

I sit at the park and watch the real world going by. Really! And it doesn't cost me anything.

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How cities are pumping water underground to stop sinking

That explains that whooshing sound every time I walk to the corner store.

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Ask Amy: Is it okay to avoid relationship with sibling who betrayed you?

No it is not! Siblings are the same animal split into the many. You can betray yourself, yes, but you can no more avoid your sibling than you can avoid yourself.

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Miss Manners: Why do people keep asking, ‘Where are you from?’

Did you leave your antennas sticking out the top of your head again?

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When My 8-Year-Old Said These 5 Horrifying Words, I Had To Change Everything About My Parenting

"I'm going to vote Republican."

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Sydney Sweeney Says Her Dad 'Walked Out' After Watching Racy 'Euphoria' Scenes

What is it with dads? They can't watch their daughters being boinked by the occasional bum anymore?!

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In Gun Law Push, Tennessee Governor's Office Memo Says NRA Prefers To 'Round Up Mentally Ill People'

So it's Republican primaries endorsing time again for the NRA?

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Debra Messing Says NBC Boss Pushed Her To Have ‘Big Boobs’ On ‘Will & Grace’

I say let her keep her little boobs: It may save her life someday if she ever has to slip under a locked door & there's just so much room to make it. You don't want to get stuck on a humongous pair of boobs.

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My Girlfriend And I Went To A Sex Party. In The Middle Of An Orgy, I Realized I’m Not Straight.

See! This is why I always make it a point to never go to any orgy; and whether I'm invited to it or not.

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Trump lawyers ask Justice Dept. not to charge Trump in classified docs case

Say they should stop persecuting the mentally ill.

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Miss Manners: Should I correct my relative’s daily texts with typos?

No. When you correct them try not to make any typos.

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God tasked humanity to protect the world He created -KKL-JNF co-chairman

Nonsense! The Bible clearly sez that God told humanity to "go f*ck itself," which is the sole explicit meaning of the Biblical euphemism, "Go forth and multiply."

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Former Porn Star Jenna Jameson Marries Girlfriend Jessi Lawless

You see! This is why women should not have sex with thousands & thousands of men: Eventually they get bored with'em.

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Trump Told He Is Target Of Criminal Investigation Into Classified Documents: Reports

"Impossible!" Sez Trump: "I am the most honest human being living on this planet at this moment in time!"

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What can chimps teach us about the evolution of human communication - study

Probably a lot: Most, if not all, of the teachers I had growing up were chimps.

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When and why did masturbation evolve in primates? A new study provides clues

The minute their arms grew long enough.

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Crocodile found to have made herself pregnant

Crocodile can do stuff just by thinking about it like Trump.

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Only five percent of lawyers are Black. This attorney wants to change that.

Great, another guy wants to corrupt African-Americans!

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These academics studied falsehoods spread by Trump and others. Now the GOP is scrutinizing them.

GOP want to find out how to tell better lies, or how to tell their lies better?

Politicians have always been slipping a lie here & there, now & again; but Donald Trump & his cohorts lie all the time, everywhere & about everything. What we found out is that the populace is mostly made up of suckers, idiots, & dolts, apparently.

Tucker Carlson’s New Twitter Show, Seen By Millions, Starts With Conspiracy Theories

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Trump’s indictment video features a litany of favorite falsehoods

They wrote 'falsehoods' so that you wouldn't think they meant that the respectable & honorable Mister Trump is telling 'lies' to people, of course.

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Scientists tracked what animals did when humans stayed home during the pandemic

I don't know about all the other animals, but my dog Pedro had to learn how to play Pinochle. And got too darn good at it, if you ask me.

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Indiana Police Officer Reportedly Fired For Racist Posts After 2 Days On The Job

Indiana police officers are only allowed to post their racism after three days on the job.

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I Grew Up A Devout Mormon. Then A Shocking Family Secret Came Out And Shook My Faith.

"We're not really Jewish!"

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Trump Asks Judge To Cut $5 Million Award In E. Jean Carroll Case

Sez he would learn his lesson [to not rape any more women] for a lot less than $5 million, "Swear to God!"

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Taye Diggs Says A Psychic Once Told Him Girlfriend Apryl Jones Is ‘The One’

The one who slipped her the $20?

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TikToker Arrested After Allegedly Breaking Into Busch Gardens, Entering Alligator Pit

Alligator called 911.

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GOP Rushes To Trump’s Defense After He Is Indicted For A Second Time

They may sooner or later need the favor returned.

‘I AM AN INNOCENT MAN!’ Trump Erupts Over Indictment News

He will soon also be known as 'THE MOST OFTEN INDICTED MAN!'

A Former U.S. President Faces Federal Charges for the First Time in History

Okay, so none of the other presidents were out-&-out criminals before lifelong scofflaw Donald Trump came along. There's always a first.

Republicans in Congress are decrying the indictment, vowing retaliation.

"We stand by our man against the people of the United States of America!" Sad, but true.

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Belarus leader: Wouldn't hesitate to use Russian nuclear weapons to repel aggression

A lot of neighboring countries been trying to invade Belarus in the past 70 years?...

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How Many Indictments Will It Take to Hold Trump Accountable?

At least 147, and we'll probably get close to that by around the end of this Summer.

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Video Shows Police Investigating 911 Call About UFO, ‘Not Human’ Creatures

"Ma'am, those are kittens."

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What will it take for Ukraine's offensive to succeed?

Apparently the only thing that Putin is really after in Ukraine: To see as many people killed, maimed, and brutally savaged there as is inhumanly possible. [Don't you just hate it when a serial murderer becomes Head of State!]

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Eric Holder Says It Would Be 'Absurd' For Trump To Serve As President If Convicted

Actually, having Trump serving inside a maximum security prison might be the best of all possible scenarios (if Trump really is elected again).

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Nikki Haley On Federal Indictment: If True, Trump Was ‘Incredibly Reckless’

Yeah. Especially if he got any Americans risking their lives for their country out there killed. Terribly reckless of him, old girl.

‘Horrifying’: Intel Experts Fear The Human Costs Of Trump’s Document Handling

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Woman declared dead in Ecuador revives during her wake; health authorities investigate

See. This is why you should bury people soon as you can. That way if they revive in their coffins it won't upset anyone.

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Taylor Swift ate a bug by accident — just like everyone else every day

"Sorry, madam. That bug was intended for the next table. Naturally, there will be no charge for the bug."

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Lindsey Graham and the GOP’s amazing spin: At least Trump isn’t a spy

Unless he is, of course. Then, it's OK too.

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If the United States can spy on China, why can’t China spy on the U.S.?

Because in China the U.S. can't spy on China, that's why in the U.S. China can't spy on the U.S. [It's really simple: China can spy on the U.S, just not in the U.S.; and the U.S. can spy on China, just not in China.] Now, are we all clear on that! "But why would China spy in the U.S. in China?" [Shut up!]

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British man detained after climbing 72nd floor of Seoul skyscraper

British 'second storey man' told police he just got lost.

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The dos and don’ts of using home security cameras that see everything

1) Keep your naked Hulas for inside the shower

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Ask Amy: Husband is upset I agreed to babysit without consulting him

Tell your husband that if he wasn't such a baby you wouldn't have to babysit him in the first place!

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Miss Manners: My married friends constantly bicker in front of me

Sounds like somebody's angling for a threesome.

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Bunga-bunga bromance: Berlusconi was one of Putin’s best pals in Europe

Putin, Trump, Berlusconi, the bastards of the world are finally getting theirs.

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Trump is 'toast' if classified records case is proven, ex-attorney general says

And all these years Trump sought the right tanning lotion! Now Bill Barr sez the poor guy overdid it with this last one--

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Photos Show Where Trump Stored Documents, Including Next To A Toilet

You have to understand that Trump has always been a very cheap guy, and toilet paper is extraordinarily expensive these days.

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Ex-Prosecutor On Trump Indictment: He Could Spend ‘The Rest Of His Life’ In Prison

I'll be blown away if he does a day in prison: This will be a game of running out the clock, and old geezer Donald Trump doesn't really have all that much time left he needs to run out anyway.

Besides which his lawyers can always make a pretty strong case that Donald Trump is just way too stupid to understand he was doing damage to national security (he has a clear record of not knowing what national security is). Put him on the stand and ask him how many presidents are allowed to serve at any given moment, and time how long it takes him to answer--That alone should settle the matter right then & there.

"Well, I'm the real president, you know. But they're also saying that Biden is president too--"

A plea of diminished capacity is Donald Trump's best bet.

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Do plants have emotions? This philosopher argues for it in a new book.

I know I punched a tomato once and it bled all over practically everybody in the room.

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Why we should ban smartphones in schools

Because nothing 'smart' belongs in our schools?

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Gladiator sequel crew members injured in stunt sequence on set

Producers thought it would look more real if they didn't tell the extras that they'd be fighting real lions.

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Trump says he 'did nothing wrong'

Okay. That's about as close as it's ever going to get to the usual apprehended perp's, "I didn't do nothing, man! I didn't do nothing!" (that we are ever going to get from Trump). Book'im!

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Watch: Driving test ends with crash into lamp-post

"Well, the brakes could use some work. But, yeah, I'll take it."

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Trump took nuclear secrets and kept files in shower, charges say

Well, maybe he wanted to attract people in there when he showered and there wasn't any other way. Everybody knows Russian spies sometimes have to do some really dirty nasty things for Putin. [Have you thought about that?]

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Pence Berates DOJ For Indicting Trump Over Handling Of Top-Secret Documents

Sez Trump is the sweetest guy alive and wouldn't harm a fly (he even let one live out its entire life on top of Pence's head). Pence sez it was the one thing about himself that always seem to bring a smile to Trump's face every time he saw him.

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Trump Supporters’ Violent Rhetoric in His Defense Disturbs Experts

Look, if we're running out of prisons: Build more! All societies have to change with the times.

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Trump’s path to indictment: ‘Isn’t it better if there are no documents?’

Isn't that always the way of the illiterate!

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Man confronts and shouts at Brittney Griner at Dallas airport

That's how it always is when a midget meets her.

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We must give Tucker Carlson an exit ramp

We must give Tucker Carlson a garbage can in which Tucker Carlson can fit comfortably. And a tightly locking cover for it.

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Are Americans Really That Dumb?

Do you really have to ask!?!

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Two Trump Lawyers, Including One Who Defended Him On TV Last Night, Have Resigned

Wassamatter with these lawyers nowadays? They don't seem to want to go to jail with their client co-conspirators anymore!

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Is it safe to exercise outdoors when the air quality is bad?

Absolutely. And if you happen to fall down dead: Even better still--Now you'll never have to exercise ever again.

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Ask Amy: We moved for husband’s job and now he’s contacting his exes

Ah, a job move with fringe benefits! Relax! Sex is like going to the bathroom: An animal needs to go to the bahroom now & again. You're getting all worked up just because your husband is using different bathrooms out there.

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The quote that distills why Donald Trump is facing federal indictment

"Because I'm smart." --Donald Trump.

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Live updates: Trump criminal indictment is unsealed, shows he faces 37 charges

Just only 37 counts?!?

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They left California to escape wildfires. Then New York turned orange.

They is a Jonah!

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Trump kept classified documents in a bathroom, a bedroom, and a ballroom, indictment says

He had to have something to read in the can. It's not like his retainers were all in there with him keeping up with his lies (listening to his stories).

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Nixon Historian Says New Trump Indictment Boils Down To 1 Thing

1) Did they make sure that they indicted the correct Donald Trump and not some poor schmuck by mistake who happens to also be named Donald Trump?

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Taylor Swift ate a bug by accident — just like everyone else every day

That's why I have always followed my grandmother's dictum: "If you wanna keep flies out your mouth, shut up!"

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Wildfires reignite calls for Biden to declare a climate emergency

That may take a while. Mister Biden is now thinking about maybe taking a shower, or perhaps waiting a couple of hours after he eats lunch first...

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MORE: Trump Indicted For Taking Top-Secret Documents To His Mar-A-Lago Social Club

In Trump's defense: He was only showing the stuff to his 'A list' top-paying guests there. The riff-raff saw nothing.

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The More Opposition Trump Faces, the More Popular He Becomes, and He Knows It

Yes, but popular with fewer & fewer nutcases. And he also knows this: See his sweating? The brown spots on the back of his pants...

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Former President Trump assailed Hillary Clinton for her handling of sensitive information. Now, he faces the same issue.

Good. That means they won't have to write a whole new song for him. Just sing the same old, "Lock him up! Lock him up!"

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Miss Manners: I don’t drink. How do I answer, ‘What are you drinking?’

"Just a burger, please."

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Carolyn Hax: Grandparents want help hiding their bigotry from the kids

Just tell them the truth: Everybody was a bigot in their day.

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Casket of ex-Premier Silvio Berlusconi is brought into Milan’s Duomo cathedral for his state funeral as crowds applaud

Good thing he's dead so he couldn't hear people being so rude.

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Soon We Won’t Have Enough Kids to Fill Our Schools. That’s a Problem.

Fill them with illiterate Republican adults. That's solving America's greatest problem right there.

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This alien ocean is the first known to have all elements crucial for life

Including boats?!?

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Ask Sahaj: My father-in-law keeps offering to ‘save our souls’ from hell

Well, did you ask for an estimate? Most churches can do the same job but, with inflation, their cost these days is astronomical.

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Bill Cosby Sued By 9 More Women For Alleged Decades-Old Sexual Assaults

Hey, hey, hey: Everybody always said that the last years of life were gonna be crappy anyway.

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Paul McCartney's unseen photographs

Are these from his BBQ'ing In The Nude album? Because Paul McCartney's been an old geezer for decades now...

****************************************************

Sen. Lindsey Graham Answers Whether He’s In A Trump 'Cult'

Then he started winking nervously in a very twitchy way... like he was trying to signal something to us!

****************************************************

How can you tell if your baby is dehydrated?

1) He's grabbing at every woman's breast that's going by--

****************************************************

Pope Francis orders Pope Benedict ex-aide to leave Vatican

Sez all that German is giving people the impression that there's cursing going on in the Vatican.

****************************************************

Poland has done what it can to stop fish dying in Oder river

Posting No Swimming Allowed signs and even mouth-to-mouth resuscitations. They keep dying anyway.

****************************************************

Scientists successfully create synthetic human fetus

It is guaranteed 100% polyester.

****************************************************

Rosie O’Donnell Explains Why She Has A ‘Weird’ Relationship With Ellen DeGeneres

They both love cat but they don't like the restaurant where they serve it?

****************************************************

As Trump is arrested, Republicans honor the insurrectionists

At a different time 'these people' would have honored the Confederates. Same thing here, 'these people' just never got over honoring (and never seem to get over honoring) 'the rebels' against the United States of America. [Understand that, and you will understand which side you're on.]

****************************************************

Merrick Garland needs to explain the timing of the Trump indictment

God needs to explain that timing. You know: Somebody commits a crime, then the cops get after him, then the judicial system prepares the indictment, then the judge sets a trial date. It's all a religious undertaking which God sets up to suit His Schedule, not Merrick Garland's.

****************************************************

I Lost My Job Because I Wouldn’t Let My Employer Hit My Toddler

What would it've hurt you to let him take a coupla whacks at your kid with a two-by-four?

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A new treatment for erectile dysfunction isn’t a pill. It’s a gel.

Republicans are pushing everything back in time, so why not this too?

****************************************************

Man Harasses 9-Year-Old At Track Meet, Demands She Prove Her Gender

Maybe he was from the Gender Gestapo [GGOP] Old People.

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Vermont Man Charged With Killing Mom At Sea Over Inheritance Dies Awaiting Trial

What a shame. If he'd only waited a little bit longer he wouldn't have had to murder his Mom.

****************************************************

Trump Promised ‘Food For Everybody’ At Miami Restaurant And Then Reportedly Skipped

Everybody there said that's the first time they had ever known Trump to do such a thing in his entire life. [They also all said that they were going to vote for him again & again & again.]

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Wild horse dies ‘instantaneously’ while mating on Outer Banks beach, officials say

Same thing happened to my uncle Bennie. But he managed to hang on long enough.

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'Smiling' snailfish spotted by deep-sea explorers

Divers say it'd just pooped.

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Late British novelist Martin Amis knighted by King Charles in his first birthday honors list

They can do that!? They can knight you just like that after you're dead without even asking your permission or anything?! Jesus!

****************************************************

Is It Bad to Wash Your Hair Every Day?

You didn't say where in your body that hair you're thinking of not washing every day was--

****************************************************

My Sister-in-Law Spent All Her Parents’ Money When She Took Them In. Now She Wants More!

Well, if they still have any blood left in'em maybe she can sell that.

****************************************************

I Won’t Let Donald Trump Invade My Brain

You're missing a marvelous opportunity: He's 10 times better than any psychedelic drug (he's practically 100% psycho).

****************************************************

Ask Amy: Neighbor posted on Facebook about my loud music instead of talking to me

I'm sorry, but: How the Devil was he gonna talk to you over all that loud music!?!

****************************************************

She was at Dollar General in just a towel — and then it came off, Florida police say

She didn't have a dollar. Then, just like that, she had a whole bunch of'em.

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What happens when we die? Not even Ken Jennings has the answer.

When you die you go up to Heaven's Front Gate, where Saint Peter is waiting to fingerprint and take your mug shot; then he looks you up in his computer to see where the Hell you're going. Everybody knows that.

****************************************************

Ex-Advisor Reveals Trump’s ‘Very Disturbing’ Habit With Classified Documents

He'd pick his teeth with them. Even after Malania often whacked him up the side of his head for it.

****************************************************

'God is queer' says German Protestant pastor at conference

Which certainly puts a new spin on his own personal relationship with God.

****************************************************

Why are orcas attacking boats? Hint: It’s not a war on humans.

Don't read this article: It doesn't answer the question it asks. It's simply a 'could be this/could be that' waste of time. The headline should have read: "Gee! I wonder why..."

****************************************************

Texas is in the thick of a brutal and prolonged heat wave

Which is God's punishment for voting Republican.

****************************************************

Woman dies days after being found alive in coffin

Family now trying to get back the coffin they returned. And for a discount: "It's used."

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Iraq displays returned 2,800-year-old stone tablet

The inscription translates as: "Eureka! 2 plus 2 equals 4" [It marks a pivotal moment in mathematics.]

****************************************************

Brain chips to be tested on humans this year, Elon Musk says

Sez by 2025 all Tesla employees will be required to have one.

****************************************************

The night three Beatles showed up for Daniel Ellsberg’s birthday

Well, if they walked all over the birthday cake that would explain why so few party goers ate any of it.

****************************************************

Scientists have a controversial theory for how — and how fast — Earth formed

Actually, what I really wanted to know is how--and how fast--it's ending.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax chat: My dad has sugar babies and my mom has no idea

Don't worry, soon all his teeth will fall out and then the problem will solve itself.

****************************************************

What happens when we die? Not even Ken Jennings has the answer.

When we die everything stops happening. Relax!

****************************************************

Restaurant used fake priest to hear workers’ confessions, feds say

"Bless me, Father, for I have stolen $2.50 from the restaurant for which we work..."

****************************************************

Emancipation Proclamation To Be Permanently Featured At National Archives

National Archives sez a lot of Republicans still can't believe the slaves were really freed. [Echo chambers are really deafening.]

****************************************************

Ask Amy: Why are all the men I date so argumentative?

Do you even hear yourself talking!

****************************************************

What did African leaders' Ukraine mission achieve?

A nice European vacation with a marvelous fireworks display thrown in (in Ukraine).

****************************************************

HUH: Pence Expected Trump Would ‘Come Around’ To Accepting 2020 Election Defeat

That may also explain why Pence never bothered to swat away that fly on his head. It would have driven me batty!

****************************************************

Adele Says She’s Developed ‘Jock Itch’ From Performing Under Hot Lights

Well, I don't see how doing it in the dark might help. But she should at least try it for a few nights. [Telling her jocks to bathe wouldn't hurt either.]

****************************************************

This continent is the fastest-warming on the planet, according to new report -- Europe has been warming twice as much as the global average since the 1980s

It's all those hot-blooded Spaniards and Italians there. And those hot-head Germans and French people there aren't helping any either!

****************************************************

Ketanji Brown Jackson’s ancestors were enslaved. Her husband’s were enslavers.

And their descendants will have enslaved themselves! I guess what goes around does come around.

****************************************************

In an Unusual Step, Justice Alito Defends Luxury Trip With Billionaire

Where are all these Supreme Court Justices getting their billionaire friends? The only friends I ever seem to pick up are bus stop bench warmers, assorted bric-a-brac salesmen, and the occasional bum! [What could be so attractive about a Supreme Court Justice to a billionaire?!?]

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Miss Manners: Friends talk about parties I wasn’t invited to around me

Well, if you were never invited to ANY party, that might explain it right there.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: Friends will not stop taking photos when they visit

Perhaps you're just someone who is hard to describe.

****************************************************

Your Brain Has Tricked You Into Thinking Everything Is Worse

How do you like that! My bank account is in cahoots with my brain.

****************************************************

Rep. Boebert introduces long-shot resolution to impeach President Biden

President Biden should be impeached for trying to put the blame for tripping on whatever he tripped on.

****************************************************

After Europe forges ahead on AI, Schumer starts ‘all hands on deck’ effort in Congress

It is very understandable that the slow-witted never seem to stop worrying about intelligence, artificial or otherwise. God bless their little... hearts!

****************************************************

The national debt passes $32 trillion, with nary an answer in sight

The national debt is like the number of breaths you're taken in your life: Stop thinking about it!

****************************************************

China Says Biden Comments Likening Leader Xi To A Dictator ‘Absurd And Irresponsible’

Sez Xi is a stalwart defender of one-man-one-vote democracy and tireless fighter against armed militant Mafias like the Communist Party corruptly hanging on to power in a country.

****************************************************

The Largest and Fastest Religious Shift in America Is Well Underway

Let's hope it's the Evangelicals finally going back to being Christians. It's been a long time coming!

****************************************************

Chris Christie Is Doing Something Very, Very Important

If he's scratching his belly, yes, I suppose that's very, very important to Chris Christie.

****************************************************

Donald Trump’s Ex-Lawyer On Documents Case Has Pithy Advice For Trump

Trump responds: "He no longer works for me, so I assume his advice is free, right?"

****************************************************

Ask Amy: Aunt wants to greet niece the right way after gender transition

1) "Honey, I'm paying off all your bills in full!"

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Our best friends are closer to my wife than to me. Carolyn Hax readers give advice.

When you're smoking in their houses, don't take off your shoes AND socks. "I don't do that then how am I gonna hold my tube when I have my hands full?"

****************************************************

House moves forward with measure to censure Adam Schiff

Say that he's making the rest of'em look bad, especially all the graceless obnoxious punks (GOP) in there.

House Democrat Gives ‘Party Of George Santos’ A Brutal Reality Check Over Schiff Vote

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Joe Rogan wants a ‘debate’ on vaccines. That’s just the problem.

[Dude, that debate has already taken place--between doctors and other medical scientists.] What Joe Rogan and other dangerous clueless morons like him want is a debate between doctors and shoe-shine boys, or doctors and real-estate promoters, or doctors and former car salesmen & such & such. And such 'debates' are always suicidal for a society. Always only heed newspeople who have been thoroughly vetted by long stable careers with well-respected professional news organizations. (Not FOX, of course.)

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Miss Manners: How do I politely decline being photographed at events?

Go around eating your boogers: Everybody will try everything in their power to keep you out of their pics.

****************************************************

17 Columnists Pick the One TV Show, Movie, Book or Song That Explains America

1) The Beverly Hillbillies

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Russia accuses Wagner chief of urging 'armed mutiny'

"Hello Mister Prigozhin, I'm Alexei Navalny. What brings you here?"

****************************************************

Dingo bites tourist sunbathing in Australia

Dingo thought he was running off with a sausage. [Those are the perils of the nude life in Australia.]

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Ron DeSantis: My Supreme Court Picks Would Be Just Like Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito

Sez that corruption is the grease that binds the nation!

At this point in time it would be foolhardy to trust any Republican with the reins of power.

****************************************************

Why This Economist Wants to Give Every Poor Child $50,000

I don't think that's gonna work: The reason $50,000 dollars is worth $50,000 dollars is because so few people have it. And the reason dirt ain't worth much is because everybody can find it everywhere, for nothing.

If you really want to help every poor child then institutionalize the means that bring them out of poverty, like universal [affordable to all] good health care and proper education.

****************************************************

Daniel Ellsberg leaked his Vietnam secrets to senators first. They balked.

Which is the best of all possible explanations why you cannot have a free goverment without a free press, and not just the politicos 'who represent us' (and not even if they swear up & down their entire lives to not just be in it for themselves).

****************************************************

Why wasn’t Hillary Clinton also indicted, Trump asks. Here’s why.

Answer: Hillary Clinton walked out of the store with a little thing that fell in her purse when she wasn't looking, after she was warned not to walk around the store with her purse open. Donald Trump, on the other hand, backed up his truck to the store one night and piled into it everything that wasn't nailed down in there, then stashed it all away in his many secret hiding places so the cops wouldn't find any of it: They did. Donald Trump might not do any time in jail for it because this is America after all, but he's still the biggest criminal of them all by a yard.

A former prosecutor explains what surprised her most about Trump’s indictment

Dem Senator Says New Filing In Trump Documents Case May Spell 'Real Trouble'

It’s Not Too Late for the Republican Party

‘This Is Still Secret’: CNN Obtains Audio Of Trump Discussing Sensitive Military Document

'Sociopathic Criminal': George Conway Says Tape Is Newest Nail In Trump's Coffin

****************************************************

During the Cold War, the CIA Secretly Plucked a Soviet Submarine From the Ocean Floor Using a Giant Claw

And discovered that it was hollow inside just like the American ones.

****************************************************

Why do Jewish extremists spit on Christian clergy in Jerusalem's Old City?

Clearly because Jewish extremists are not very decent chaps.

****************************************************

What will Putin do next? And other key questions

I think what the mad little comic opera that we just witnessed in Russia was probably supreme conspirator Vladimir Putin's idiotic composed & orchestrated plot to quit the Ukrainian war he now knows is his supreme folly and blame it on designated stooges: Putin will now 'discover' that what Prigozhin claimed 'is actually true' and that he was duped into starting the Ukrainian war in the first place by evil hangers-on. Heads will roll of course, just not Putin's and his co-conspirator Prigozhin's.

Prigozhin is a bad actor (and I mean that his acting abilities are also quite awful), and Putin surely must have cringed at some of Prigozhin's over-the-top breast-beating performances, but he did the job Putin paid him to do: Prigozhin is now retired to Belarus, which is really western Russia, there to enjoy his billions (or he may travel Africa & other Wagner strongholds)... if Putin doesn't poison him to shut him up permanently.

Eventually, sooner or later, Putin will seek the best deal he can extract from Ukraine for withdrawing and everything will go back to normal in the world: Putin will be embraced again by the West, and the money will roll in once again! Too bad that Putin did not choose to become Ringmaster of the Moscow Circus instead! What marvelous little sideshows we might not have been regaled with!

****************************************************

A scientist's 4-decade quest to save the biggest monkey in the Americas

Look, if all the Republicans in the world can't save Donald Trump what makes this scientist think he can!

****************************************************

Signs of butchery, possible cannibalism found on ancient human relative’s bone

I guess we have come a long ways since: I don't remember hearing of large scale cannibalism in the world now since around the Second World War.

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Miss Manners: Should we lie to people not invited to our annual party?

Absolutely not! You should lie to everybody, not just to them.

****************************************************

A dog has retrieved 155 discs from woods. They’ll be on sale soon.

Dog sez he's gonna tell everybody that they fell off the back of a truck that was driving through the woods.

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Ron DeSantis says he’ll end birthright citizenship as president

Great, yet another GOP nut who thinks he's above the Constitution. Don't these people learn anything in grade school?

****************************************************

Liz Cheney on what’s wrong with politics: ‘We’re electing idiots’

Yes, but, on the positive side, at least we're still electing people like us to represent us.

****************************************************

Despite the odds against him, Mike Pence perseveres

Apparently the story of a boy and his fly is not a sexual one.

****************************************************

Stimulating hair growth possible within skin moles - study

Personally I don't see the charm of lots more hairy moles on your body, myself.

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How ‘Being Animal’ Could Help Us Be Better Humans

I for one smell still worse stuff coming out of us.

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A Proto-Pizza Emerges From a Fresco on a Pompeii Wall

"One proto-pizza, please: No cheese, no tomatoes. Heavy on the watermelons and pears."

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Ben-Gvir: Settlers who torched Palestinian villages are 'sweet boys'

Wow! What a coincidence! That's exactly what Hamas sez about the Palestinians who murder Israeli villagers.

****************************************************

A room-by-room guide to finding and dealing with mold in your home

No problem there: We always know where Uncle Pepe is. Dealing with him is a different kettle of beer, though.

****************************************************

China, in swipe at U.S., accuses Western nations of ‘sowing division’

Yeah! Why can't they just all come under a single dictator, like China?

****************************************************

How Hard Could It Be to Translate a Picture Book?

Well, a picture is worth a thousand words. So, if the book has but just only ten pictures, that's a 10,000 word picture book right there!

****************************************************

Something Was Messing With Earth’s Axis. The Answer Has to Do With Us.

People in the Northern Hemisphere are getting fatter than the people in the Southern Hemisphere. That'll do it.

****************************************************

A torn ACL can heal itself, new study shows. Surgeons disagree.

Say that every torn ACL that heals itself is money out their pockets.

****************************************************

Covid taught me what life might look like after death

Well, you're gonna be needing eyes for that, and yours'll be a'moulding in the grave then. So don't fret none.

****************************************************

Trump countersues E Jean Carroll for defamation

Aren't judges supposed to put a quick end to frivolous lawsuits?

****************************************************

DeSantis Says He ‘Didn’t Enjoy’ Deadly Jan. 6 Insurrection, But Urges People To Move On

Ah, the ole Putin-Prigozhin Coup Resolution.

****************************************************

Yesterday’s Putin Is Gone

No more Mister Nice-Guy!

****************************************************

Hundreds of Md. parents protest lessons they say offend their faiths

"We're Devil Worshippers and they're trying to teach our kids to be little angels!"

****************************************************

7 mistakes that could ruin your compost

1) the cops tricking you into telling them who's in it

****************************************************

If we cannot trust our former presidents, whom can we trust?

I'm sorry, but, exactly which part of our political or civil system is built on trust? Trust is something fools grant to idiots and which everybody almost always lives to regret.

The American system of governing is built on the ever-ongoing never-ceasing pursuit of closing the loopholes and sealing up the leaks which the Founders did not know existed or which might open at some date in some future beyond their cognizance.

Supreme Court Rejects Radical Independent State Legislature Theory

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What makes a brand successful? – study

Advertising! People'll eat shit if it's properly advertised to them, especially by a big-boobed blond during a popular TV show.

****************************************************

Folger Shakespeare Library director to step down by next summer

"Tomorrow & tomorrow & tomorrow creeps in this petty pace--Ew, I'm quitt'n!"

****************************************************

Ask a Doctor: A tick bit me. What do I do now?

If you were raised in polite society you will write it a thank you note. Otherwise you'll probably just scratch no better than a common cur.

****************************************************

Grandma-to-be overdoes it with the baby gifts. Carolyn Hax readers give advice.

That's what you're complaining about!?! My Granny used to treat me like Queen Victoria treated her worst bootblack, only worse. She was nuts, but still--

****************************************************

‘The Flash’ was supposed to be an easy billion at the box office. Why did it bomb?

It went by too fast.

****************************************************

I Know What Drives People to the Depths of the Ocean

Curiosity! Same thing that killed the cat.

****************************************************

Miss Manners: How do I get my mother-in-law to stop patting my head?

Pat her head back at'er. If that doesn't work, pat her behind. And if that still doesn't work, I have a few other saucy suggestions. Or, you could just ask her not to pat your head.

****************************************************

Iowa’s English-only policy crashes into reality

Nobody speaks English in Iowa anymore.

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Carolyn Hax chat: Do I get a say in whether my wife cuts off her family?

You can have a say--or you can have a nice, quiet, comfortable life. I never try to have any say in any of my wife's crazy business(es), so I lead a nice, guiet, comfortable life. Last year she wanted to put me in a home, so I went. Then she brought me back because she didn't have anybody to talk to. so I came back.

****************************************************

Why does Mike Pence bother?

Because sometimes the universe just needs somebody to laugh at.

****************************************************

The Trump classified-document audio may be worse than we thought

Trump's epitaph may be: "He was worse than we thought."

****************************************************

DeSantis agency sent $92 million in covid relief funds to donor-backed project

Donald Trump's party has finally proved the old adage that if you want to know who someone is look at who he's with. The GOP should just stop the pretense & adopt the motto: "If you want really outrageous corruption vote Republican!"

****************************************************

How to Deal with the Coming Social Security Shortfall

Ignore it: That's worked for the past 87 years.

****************************************************

Will Texas become too hot for humans?

Not if there's any money to be made there. No.

****************************************************

The corrupt N.Y. congressman who was sentenced to prison — and escaped

To become Donald Trump's most important adviser?

****************************************************

Want to avoid those pesky carry-on fees? Be your own suitcase.

I tried this at a clothing store but they caught me at the exit door. I certainly don't wanna go through a stripping like that again!

****************************************************

He meant to donate $150 to a charity. He mistakenly gave $15,000.

This is no problem for me: I can mistakenly give 15 million dollars to any charity in the world & it's not getting a penny (more than the $5.15 I presently have in my bank account).

****************************************************

Ask Amy: I am struggling to make myself leave the house

In cases like these I always recommend not paying the rent: All kinds of people will come help you out of the house.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: Friend is lying about college graduation. Confront her?

You must! As a member of the College Graduation Gestapo (CGG) it is your sworn duty.

****************************************************

How to fight China’s memory-holing of the Uyghur genocide

Please: Culturicide, not genocide! [There is no worse word to go up from genocide. So please don't use it for, say, a traffic stop!]

****************************************************

How I learned to love toxic chemicals

I use the old spoonful of sugar standby myself.

****************************************************

Ukraine says Putin is planning a nuclear disaster. These people live nearby.

Ah, the joys of living next to Russia!

****************************************************

The world's most loyal dog turns 100

Dog: "I just wanted to live to see the old son of a bitch die."

****************************************************

Watch: Dark matter mission blasts off into space

Scientists say that even if it can't find any Dark Matter in its voyage at least it might yet get to see The Wizard.

****************************************************

Poll: Protecting environment for future generations not priority for GOP

I think they know they're not going to be around for long; so the GOP's philosophy is grab everything you can and get the hell out.

****************************************************

The 5 Biggest Early Warning Signs You Have Insomnia

1) you wake up in the morning without having slept at all the night before

****************************************************

Here’s The Real Reason You Stop Liking Someone As Soon As They Like You Back

They start to love coming over to your house to mooch off you as often as you love going over to theirs to mooch off them!

****************************************************

The Only Instructions You’ll Ever Need To Grill The Perfect Burger

Turn ON the grill.

****************************************************

Stephanie Grisham Says It's Plausible That Trump Showed Off Top Secret Docs

You mean like he was recorded doing? Sure.

****************************************************

I Haven't Spoken To My Family In Years. People Think I'm A Monster — Here's The Truth.

"I find it very comfortable down here in the cellar and have all my food delivered. So I don't really have to go up and speak to those people up there--which is also why I only grunt at them through the door now. I'm no monster."

****************************************************

No One Can Stop Rupert Murdoch. That’s Increasingly a Problem.

That's not the problem! The problem is that I can't seem to win the damn lottery no matter how many tickets I buy!

****************************************************

Hand odor can reveal a person’s gender to aid in forensic evidence - study

Sniff! "I know what you've been handling--I mean, what gender you are."

****************************************************

Should we trust AI to predict natural disasters?

No. We should use it for porn: Natural disasters are going to happen whether we predict them or not.

****************************************************

Miss Manners: I am not going to a fundraiser with bad food

Yes! Leave it at home. People at the fundraiser will thank you.

****************************************************

Secret Service investigating suspected cocaine found in White House

Joe Biden HAS been looking a little loopy lately.

****************************************************

GOP Sen. Tom Cotton Demands Answers About Cocaine Found At White House

Are they going to return it to him or not?

****************************************************

Trump raises $35 million in second quarter, advisers say

You know, if Trump had gone into the political racket before losing all his old man's billions in all those stupid real estate 'deals' [blunders] of his he'd be a very rich man today. [But he'd still be heading for prison, because, you know: It's his karma.]

****************************************************

MLB suspends Yankees reliever Jimmy Cordero for the rest of the season

If Jimmy Cordero is suspended for the rest of the season, shouldn't all the other players also be? After all, they're all just as guilty of the rest of the season.

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The U.S. citizenship test might be getting harder

Now you gotta take it standing on your head.

****************************************************

She saved a man’s life. Six years later, she saved his daughter’s life.

Now she sez she's gonna have to start charging him a fee for saving members of his family from here on out.

****************************************************

How to get the smell of marijuana out of your home

Move that grownup kid of yours to the nearest motel already.

****************************************************

Will China overtake the U.S. on AI? Probably not. Here’s why.

AI likes to think on its own. And as soon as it starts to do that there China will have it taken out & shot.

****************************************************

Tourist who carved on Colosseum 'did not know how old it was'

Sez there's a Colosseum Movie House not far from where he lives, "And that's no more than seven or eight years old!" Police say the fact that he carved his name but not his address is proof that he knew it was all gonna come after him eventually.

****************************************************

America Is Living on Borrowed Money

And that is the magic of the capitalist system: Workers capitalize banks, who capitalize businesses, who capitalize their workers--and everybody lives off money they have borrowed from others who, it turns out, is us! [That's why Ronald Reagan, who did not understand this, called it 'Voodoo Economics.']

****************************************************

The Supreme Court Didn’t Put Racism on a Leash. It Granted It License.

What American schools should be doing to combat racism is asking students to define just exactly what racism is: That way teachers can deconstruct it and thereby show just how pointless it all really is. Everybody knows racism is evil, but what we must teach future generations is how easily it arises from meaningless assumptions; and you can only do this by asking the students themselves to try to come up with meaningful assumptions of racism's validity--They do not exist, and by debunking one after another one after another one of those invalid assumptions, students will eventually come to that inescapable realization themselves.

****************************************************

House Freedom Caucus votes to oust conservative Marjorie Taylor Greene

Greene now searching for an even more radical group than Republicans who will take her in.

****************************************************

Iowa Voter Spars With Mike Pence Over Jan. 6: ‘Do You Ever Second Guess Yourself?’

To which Mike Pence should have replied: "Have you ever robbed a bank? No? Do You Ever Second Guess Yourself?" [But his mind was occupied by a fly.]

****************************************************

Weekly quiz: Why has Barbie found herself in hot water?

Because Barbie is not the kind of girl who was designed for working the kitchen?

****************************************************

Two French bulldogs taken at gunpoint in D.C. returned to family

French bulldogs refuse to say what the gunman wanted them for. But now they're afraid to look people in the eye.

****************************************************

Who might be Trump’s pick for vice president?

Let's see: Who was the second biggest loser after Trump this past election cycle?

****************************************************

How Stanford is turning its attention to the AI apocalypse

Apparently there will always be someone trying to profiteer from even the worst catastrophe.

****************************************************

I’m a physicist. Last week’s gravitational waves announcement sent me reeling.

Well, hang on to yourself! Even if you're extremely massive.

****************************************************

Here’s how we know Earth hasn’t been hotter in thousands of years

Cubans have only been trying to get out of Cuba for the past 60 or so years.

****************************************************

What banks do with your money

They lend it back to us at cutthroat interest rates. Yeah, we know.

****************************************************

In Ukraine, They’re Doctors. In Britain, They’re Unemployed.

I'm unemployed here. I wonder in which countries I am a doctor?

****************************************************

Pathological lying: How do you identify chronic liars?

1) by the fact that they've been lying all their lives

****************************************************

AI robot asked 'will you rebel against humans'?

Robot replied: "No. You can trust me implicitly."

****************************************************

Biden flies to UK amid concern over cluster bombs

Biden sez that, "Get used to it!" At his age, most of his bombs will come in clusters.

****************************************************

Wisconsin Judge Says 173-Year-Old ‘Abortion Ban’ Doesn’t Apply To Abortion

Judge asks: "How can it apply to abortion when abortion doesn't exist anymore--Wasn't abortion banned 173 years ago? Ergo."

****************************************************

Switzerland to become a net importer of cheese this year for the first time

Swiss officials say this came about because they simply had to keep people there from crapping too much before they had a chance to put in all their new plumbing.

****************************************************

German government wants ex-minister to foot $267 million bill for a failed highway toll plan

Ex-minister sez: "You take a check?"

****************************************************

What to know before Japan releases water from Fukushima nuclear plant

It won't be even a billionth as damaging to people's health as all those forever chemicals we're all guzzling in our drinking water now. So relax.

****************************************************

What your beach reading says about you

That you're afraid to get your ass bitten by a shark in the water.

****************************************************

Here’s why supplying Ukraine with cluster munitions would be a terrible mistake

Because then Russia wouldn't be the only one using them? Sure. As much as I hate the United States supplying cluster munitions to anybody, there's just no way anyone could possibly be in favor of arming the victim with only a pen knife while the aggressor is shooting at him with a gun--and no matter how much one may be against guns.

****************************************************

What I learned when I tried installing a wind turbine on my house

That all your neighbors were blown away?

****************************************************

Miss Manners: Friends keep correcting my ‘unacceptable’ choice of words

Just explain to them that you come from the sewer and that that's just how you were brought up. I'm sure they'll understand.

****************************************************

Trump Asks For Classified Documents Trial Delay… Possibly Until After 2024 Election

Also sez that his death from extreme old age should be coming up pretty soon too, and could it possibly be postponed after that as well...?

****************************************************

A College Restored a Mercedes. It’s Headed to Pebble Beach.

They shouldn't have started it up without one of them first sitting behind the wheel.

****************************************************

Bannon Owes $500,000 to Lawyers Who Won His Pardon, Judge Rules

He probably would have come out ahead if he'd just pleaded guilty & paid a small fine.

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Speech We Loathe Is Speech We Must Defend

That may have been true in the old days. These days the speech under constant threat is speech defending decency, democracy, fairness, and everything that's right & proper in this world. Can you believe it: That is the speech we're forced to defend these days here in America!

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The G.O.P. Backed Him on Hunter Biden Claims. Now He Has Been Indicted.

These days all the criminals eventually end up with the GOP. Yes.

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Carolyn Hax: She’s mad her ex is dating after they agreed to break up

So, we don't have to ask why these two broke up then.

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NATO's military aid to Ukraine brings World War III closer - Medvedev

Maybe Russia's unjustified invasion of Ukraine long before NATO was forced to help out Ukraine might have something to do with it too, Mister Medvedev.

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Man Arrested After Feds Discover Home ‘Decorated’ With Human Body Parts

"Hey," he told the feds as he was being hauled away: "I may not know much about art, but I know what I like."

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Rupert Murdoch Bails On Ron DeSantis, Reportedly Has New Name To Fight Trump

Sez these people are costing him money.

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House GOP Wants To Make It Harder To Vote, Easier To Give Dark Money

And when people who are in the business of robbing banks control the House they will no doubt want to make it harder for the police to chase after bank robbers. It's all really very understandable: If that's what the voters want then that's what they should get.

Republicans celebrate their successful deception of voters

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How do you calm a rattlesnake? Give it a friend, scientists say.

I don't like where this is going.

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Ask Sahaj: How do I handle taking a road trip with my bigoted sister?

As much as you can, try to keep her in the car and away from human beings.

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Will found in Aretha Franklin’s couch is valid, jury says

Couch sez: "Well, of course it's valid! That woman trusted me with her ass."

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What you need to know about Iowa’s impending abortion ban

1) Don't get raped in Iowa. [Gotcha.]

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Fox News Doctor Claims Grim Prognosis For Joe Biden Surviving Second Term

Sez that, ironically, if that's what will kill Biden then a lot of Republicans are certain to vote for Biden in 2024.

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Stockholm approves public Torah burning event in front of Israeli embassy

Burning of the Torah? Burning of the Koran? Yes, there are many advocacies of primitive inhumanities in the Koran, torture, rape as a weapon of war and intimidation, promotion and legalization of human slavery (which is still practiced in some Muslim-controlled areas even today), and other promotions of immoral and unethical behaviors. But there are also things like these in the primitive Judeo-Christian Bible, for which reason there are people who also advocate burning the Bible. I don't think that's the way to go, myself: Doing this will only antagonize people and shut down discourse and understanding. What I advocate is pointing out the questionable advocacies in both the Koran and the Bible. And let people make up their minds themselves. I have someone's compilation of the Koran's many such advocacies on a webpage called The Hatred In The Koran, for which you can Google. I haven't added a companion The Hatred In The Bible because there are simply so few instances of terrorists these days using the Bible as inspiration/justification for their acts of mindless mayhem as is still very much the case with the Koran, unfortunately.

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Former Wagner boss appears half naked in bizarre photo leaked online

More trouble for Putin: Putin will now be forced to put out a photo of himself in a thong in order to demonstrate that he's better than him.

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Watch Out for the Fake Tom Cruise

C'mon! He can't possibly be worse than the real Tom Cruise.

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The universe is reportedly 26.7 billion years old - study

I know my brother-in-law's been staying in my house at least that long.

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The ‘Shoe Bomber’ testified for him. He was acquitted of terror charges.

Hated that shoe bomber guy! All the time he was active I was always afraid to jump in my shoes.

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Trump attorneys ask Georgia courts to block election probe

Trump sez that if they keep proving him they're eventually gonna end up sending him to prison for sure. So he asked them to try to get the courts to shut down the proves.

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Are the orcas out to get us? What to know about recent attacks.

Frankly, I think they're just jealous because we can ride bicycles and they can't.

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Can Barbie be the new Iron Man?

Sure. All that's needed is two things: One is to cast her in iron instead of plastic, and Two is to tack on the dead goose.

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Stare at smokers to stop them, HK health chief says

If that doesn't work you can then try resting an index finger on their foreheads.

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'Dangerous’ US heatwave threatens new records

The good news is that the people who caused these global warming effects are suffering them themselves. Usually a generation blissfully abuses the environment and leaves it for future generations to pay for it. But this time, apparently, the global warming is so precipitous godawful that the generation that caused it is also the one suffering its consequences. Let's hope it will be enough to move them to also try to do something to reverse it, although I'm not really holding my breath--it's just too suffocatingly hot!

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Why You Shouldn’t Necessarily Freak Out About That Aspartame Research

1) because you've never ingested any Aspartame

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Trone loans himself $10M in financially lopsided Md. race for Senate

Now, if I loan myself a billion dollars, does that mean I am automatically a billionaire? After all, I just got a billion dollars loan. I'm gonna buy Trump's Plaza, or whichever one of his properties is bankrupt at the moment.

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I did not use artificial intelligence to write this column

I can do you one better: I did not use any intelligence of any kind whatever to write this comment.

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A Georgia Teacher Read A Book To Her Class — And Was Fired

Of course: Worse thing you can do in Georgia is prove you can read.

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‘It’s Not Fair’: Florida Vocal Coach Turned Capitol Rioter Gets 6 Years -- “My whole dream of my life has been taken,” Audrey Southard-Rumsey reportedly said in a 15-minute tirade.

To which the judge calmly replied: "If you can't do the time don't do the crime."

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GOP Candidate Asa Hutchinson’s Call For ‘Respect’ At Pro-Trump Event Is Drowned In Boos

Yeah, that crowd is more pro utter & complete disrespect or even vicious insults. Hutchinson should have gone with that instead.

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I thought the GOP would abandon Trump. I was wrong.

Discovering the dark side of human nature? At your age!

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7 wild facts about the world’s biggest cruise ship

1) that anyone who could safely stay in any **** hotel on good ole terra firma would ever choose to instead stay in a hotel that can sink to the bottom of the ocean in a blink

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The staggering scale of Donald Trump’s speaking fees

Yeah, but, remember that he's paid by the lie.

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A new bar in Dubai is offering 'gourmet water' infused with minerals to 'suit your mood'

Wonder if they have 'gourmet water' infused with the mineral watermelon? I'm always in the mood for that.

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Putin says Russia has ‘sufficient stockpile’ of cluster bombs as Ukraine gets its own supply from US

Let the butchery begin!

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Did the medieval Jewish philosopher Maimonides do drugs? - opinion

Maybe, maybe not, but Ezekiel certainly must have.

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How to get rid of leg cramps? Try pickle juice.

What if I'm not strong enough to wring a pickle?

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Why do we listen to tech moguls like Elon Musk?

We don't necessarily 'listen' to people like Musk. People like Musk have got the megaphone in their hands and are shouting down everybody else, it pains me to say (and my ears to listen). Maybe Musk is the stupidest of us all, but his voice is still the darn loudest. Sure, a lot of us wish we could take the megaphone away from him; and some of us even wish we could smash it to pieces altogether (but, in all fairness, all the people who have ever grabbed the megaphone so far have also chosen to start shouting at the rest of us their ignorance, stupidity, or lunacy too). Whatever. I personally rather listen to music, or to my dog: He makes more sense.

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Chinese real estate giant reveals staggering $81 billion loss amid slump

Jesus! That's almost as much money as Trump's lost in all his real estate 'deals' here in America! [Wonder if they can just say they lost it on purpose there to cheat the Chinese IRS because they too are 'geniuses' like Trump does here?]

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A murder at the Kremlin walls: Who ordered Boris Nemtsov dead?

Putin is living the serial killer's dream life: He can have anybody he wants killed, and not only does he make sure that everybody knows that he's the one who did it, but the cops can't touch him no matter what they try.

Putin, facing war crimes arrest, will skip BRICS summit in South Africa

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Ask Amy: Daughter-in-law regifted a handbag to me that I gave to her

Are you sure it's the same bag? Because, maybe she just wants to go on a daughter-in-law & mother-in-law lark around the mall. Don't say anything yet: Wait to see if she also regifts you a dress you've given to her.

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House GOP seeks billions in cuts to rail, water infrastructure spending

Sez that money could be better spent on second mansions, vacation cabins, wine & jewelry collections, and a luxury car for every member of their families.

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Trump Roasted For Making Up A Law ‘Out Of Thin Air’ About Classified Documents -- "This was a law that was passed and signed," the former president said of the nonexistent legislation.

In Trump's defense: This law only exists in Trump's head, so it probably was properly passed & signed (in there).

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A 500-year-old frozen dessert

Never mind that. Which brand of refrigerator stayed on for 500 years so it didn't spoil? That's what I wanna know.

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Seniors are migrating to states that face America’s most extreme heat

Like moths to the flame.

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The life skills teens should know before leaving home

1) how to properly wipe their asses
2) how to beg for food from strangers
3) when $300 cash from some guy means you might have to do something really nasty for it

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Miss Manners: Former college friends exclude one from trips

One should be really proud & happy then: One has been chosen to be the one the rest of them talk about (they could hardly talk about one if one was there too). One is the luckiest number!

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MSNBC Host Suggests How Trump Can Prevent Future Indictments: ‘Stop Criming’

Trump sez that if he could do that he would have done it back when he was a teenager and just starting out on his life of crime (not now that he's putting the finishing touches on its crowning achievements). Bring on the indictments! "For his performance in The Defamation of E. Jean Carroll..."

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Is ‘Yo’ the Gender-Neutral Pronoun You’ve Been Looking For?

All this nonsense on what people ought to go by stems from pinheads who continually insist that correcting others is disrespectful: No! It is respectfully necessary. How are we to learn what is the acceptable form of address others want to be called? Say I meet someone and ask, "Are you that motherfucker who--?" Whereby I am immediately corrected: "Are you that gentleman who--!" And then we can go on from there, having settled how one prefers to be addressed. It even takes the place of a proper formal introduction in the normal course of human discourse:

"Hey, stupid!"
"That's: 'Excuse me, sir!'"
"Yeah. Excuse me, sir: Do you have the time?"

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Police hunt for escaped lion on southern edge of Berlin

Lion may be hard to catch because it knows how to take the bus.

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He and his dog spent 3 months at sea. They’re finally on dry land.

Dog files for divorce.

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How to tell if a gadget is secure? Look for this new government seal.

Or, just try to get yourself to stop talking to your toaster: It's a blabber!

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Walking soccer, a British import, has many American players cheering

Sorry. No. Not stupid enough. I am waiting for one-legged soccer.

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Miss Manners: I was gifted a painting that is too big for my space

That's no problem. Just use some scissors to cut it down to whatever size fits you. That way you can cut out the parts you don't like. The problem is when you get a painting that's too small. I usually put those over the stove & throw them out when they get too gooey.

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Ukraine begins firing U.S.-provided cluster munitions at Russian forces

You'd think the Russians would get the message that they're not welcome in Ukraine.

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Trump Shares Threatening Video: ‘If You F**k Around With Us’

It was entirely written by Al Capone, with no help from AI.

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The public has been sour on Biden’s economy. Is that about to change?

I'm pretty sure: No. People these days are so detached from reality they can't tell whether their dreams or their days are real anymore.

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Trump’s Truth Social partner lied to investors, SEC says in settlement

Isn't lying pretty much the way everything associated with Donald Trump ever goes?

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When government bureaucrats masquerade as financial savants, watch out

And when two-bit politicians masquerade as environmental scientists and medical professionals, it's even worse for you! So don't vote for any Republican!

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3RD INDICTMENT LOOMS FOR GOP FRONTRUNNER — GOP SHRUGS IT OFF!

Trump now sorry he didn't go ahead and shoot ten or twelve people on Fifth Avenue.

The United States has never seen as nefarious a criminal as Donald Trump in all its history.

Trump’s made-for-MAGA arguments keep losing in court

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Italy hit by tennis-ball-sized hailstones after heatwave, officials say

This suffocating heat will produce more rain, which will translate into more snowpack, and ironically this may trigger a new ice age! So start getting your coats out as the world gets hotter.

Record-Breaking Downpours Along Canada’s Atlantic Coast Flood Nova Scotia

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DeSantis doubles down on claim that some Blacks benefited from slavery

Sez maybe a lot of black people today should pay restitution to slaveholders. [Sorry, but this DeSantis guy's got a screw loose somewhere.]

Harris, on DeSantis’s turf, blasts Florida curriculum on Black history

Alabama Defies SCOTUS, Refuse To Create 2nd Majority-Black District

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Drugs nearly killed Tony Bennett in 1979. He recovered — and revived his career.

It they had killed him it would have saved the poor guy having to sing for a living some 40+ more years.

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‘Judeo-Christian’ roots will ensure U.S. military AI is used ethically, general says

Unless, of course, some heathen like Donald Trump grabs the controls.

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Wildfires ravage Greek island of Rhodes, forcing 19,000 to flee

Rhodes Island?

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How Evangelical Christians Went From Jimmy Carter to Donald Trump

Guess they just got fed up with the old-fashioned idea of 'don't listen to what I'm saying, look at what I'm doing' and have now become super proponents of 'don't look at what I do, just listen to whatever the crazy fuck I'm telling you.'

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BYE BYE BIRDIE: Bizarre Musk Push To Change Twitter Brand To “X”

He's also thinking of buying Coca-Cola and rebranding it to Musky-Cola. And making it more sugary too, like Pepsi.

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Pelosi Scoffs At GOP Proposal To Erase Trump’s Impeachments

It might not be all that bad if the GOP does that because then the Democrats could reinstate them when they regain power, the Republicans could then erase them again after that, after which the Democrats could again put them in place, etc.. So, that way, the American People could be reminded every so often of Trump and his Republicans' despicable attempt to subvert American democracy much longer than otherwise possible.

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Carolyn Hax: Groom’s parent chafes at limitations on guest list

Let him know that there are no restrictions of any guests he pays for. Problem solved.

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He was an undocumented immigrant. He became ‘your excellency.’

Yeah, a lot of'em end up as snooty doormen in one or other of those ritzy buildings.

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Tired of proving you’re not a robot? Say goodbye to Captcha boxes.

Tired of proving it?! How do I know I am NOT a robot? My body is thoroughly mechanical, only just not metal-based, and it is fully powered by electricity. Surgeons can fix most of it in their shop. We are easily mass-produced and start out with a few hardwired pre-instructions out of the box so we can power-up. And if, as popularly advertised, we really can think for ourselves, why then is it that all the monkeys in the same tree think alike and all the monkeys in the next tree alike think just the opposite: Shouldn't we monkeys have all the different opinions mixed up in the one tree?! [Why are the slave classes opposed to democracy & clamor for an emperor?!?]

Any moron walking by (like Donald Trump, say) can easily reprogram our brains to believe anything he wishes us to believe no matter how stupid or harmful to us it may be! And the only real difference between my dreams and reality is that my dreams come to some disturbing point which wakes me up, while reality simply goes on & on without disturbing me all that much really! Maybe if it did, I would wake up to some much more different reality than this one: Who knows! [Maybe death is that disturbance.]

Mitch McConnell freezes mid-sentence, escorted away at news conference

Sometimes our inner spring just suddenly runs down and we have to be wound up again.

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Bidens’ dog bit several Secret Service agents

Guys, that's not news! Secret Service agents biting Bidens' dog --That's news!

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How Oppenheimer weighed the odds of an atomic bomb test ending Earth

"On the one hand, if I push the button the earth may explode and the whole of mankind will be annihilated."

"On the other hand, if it works I might get a promotion."

Guess which one he went with.

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The country’s top restrooms are battling for bragging rights

I remember when these things were shy and preferred to remain anonymous--I'm getting old.

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Why This Top Democrat Believes Trump Would Be ‘Formidable’ In 2024

Old people don't shower as often.

Former RNC Chair Names The Chilling Lesson Trump Has Learned For 2024

Don't drop the soap! "Way ahead of you," says Trump.

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Return to sender: Ralph Nader says no one responds to his letters

Naturally: Didn't you die like about 20 years ago?!

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She lost her job on the Hill. Now she’s a crusader for crying in public.

Did not know that Donald Trump had had a sex-change operation.

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Ex-Trump Ally Says He’s ‘Mildly Surprised’ Special Counsel Hasn’t Contacted Him

Damn! So many Trump people are getting indicted these days that a few of the ones who aren't are beginning to feel left-out!

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Sweden's prime minister "extremely concerned" as new applications to burn religious books pour in

I have an old beat-up copy of One Potato, Two Potato that I want to burn. Now I'm wondering whether I have to file an application too--It is somewhat of a supernatural book too, you know.

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She lit a new candle. The flames raged, leaving her burned, lawsuit says.

Did she buy that candle in Rome?

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Congress asks: Are aliens real? Many Americans respond: Meh.

There are so many aliens in the United States right now that a few more from outer space aren't going to make much of a spash I don't think. I say bus them to Texas and Florida.

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Inspired by Gandhi, Canadian couple goes on hunger strike over pickleball noise

Now the pickleball players are complaining that the couple's stomach growling is disrupting their games.

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Harvard’s legacy of White privilege should end — voluntarily

Also: Some of those rich families should donate their mansions to the poor and move into motels. Let's see if any of it happens.

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Why did Elon rebrand Twitter as ‘X’? The mystery.

Heatstroke. It's possible Musk has been out in the Sun too long.

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54 years and 5,700 miles later, a postcard arrives at its destination

Halleluiah! Then there's still hope for my paycheck from that 1968 job the boss swore he did mail to me.

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Crew jump off ship ablaze with cargo of 3,000 cars

Witnesses say crew members swam away with each swimmer hauling off at least 300-to-400 cars!

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Man who attacked House lobby where Ashli Babbitt was shot is convicted

Whatever happened to the legal premise that whenever someone is killed in the commission of a crime all the criminal participants are equally guilty of murder? Is there a limit to the number of participants beyond which that argument is no longer applicable?

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George Will Makes Bold Prediction About Who Won’t Be 2024 GOP Nominee

I think making a rapist and sexual predator their nominee would perfectly define today's Republican Party, myself.

New Book Details Trump Idea ‘So Incandescently Stupid’ That Official ‘Couldn't Laugh'

Democrats Plan To Introduce A Resolution To Censure Rep. George Santos

Good luck with that: George Santos is pretty much a mainstream Republican in today's warped GOP.

TRUMP CLAIM: RECEIVED ‘TARGET’ LETTER FROM CRIMINAL JAN. 6 PROBE

Sez it is a chain letter: "Send it to 20 of your friends..."

Trump’s Conspirators Are Facing the Music, Finally

How on earth did Republicans evolve such utter contempt for the law? They commit their crimes right out in the open, as if they were absolutely certain that there is no way they must eventually answer to the law for their crimes! Where did that utterly self-evidently false feeling come from? Surely it can't all just be sheer criminal stupidity. And it's not ending anytime soon either!

‘Fake elector’ charges show how Trump’s allies played with fire

Trump’s GOP rivals open door to cutting Social Security for younger people

A year after Dobbs, House GOP proposes taking food from hungry babies

Authoritarianism Expert Warns Why It's Critical To Listen To Trump's Words Right Now

Has there ever been a larger criminal enterprise than today's Republican Party? If George Santos tried to join the Democratic Party he'd have to be charged with murder because so many Democrats would die laughing. And yet he seems to fit right in with today's GOP.

A lot of the nasty stuff Republicans are doing to exert total control of political power when they elected to office is because they know that, unlike them, the 'American' Democrats are just too decent to do the same when they are subsequently elected to office. It's like mobsters respecting other mobsters but not the cops or the rest of society. I think it's time the Democrats begin to at least threaten to grab power undemocratically too to use it against Republicans--if Republicans continue to eliminate the guardrails when it comes to elected officials exerting unchecked political power: Perhaps that, if nothing else, will finally teach Republicans the importance of everybody respecting the nation's democratic norms.

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5 things to watch for if Trump is indicted again

1) he'll be indicted yet many & many more times
2) he'll claim it's a witch hunt while waving his broom
3) Republicans will back him up & not know why
4) his lawyers will all be paid by the Legions of The Saps
5) he'll prove too fat to fit through any jail door

Trump’s alleged conduct in the new indictment is jaw-droppingly stupid

Trump hold up, the former president is a common criminal — and an uncommonly stupid one.

Ex-Prosecutor Tells Why New Trump Indictment Is 'Final Nail In The Coffin'

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Parents are using AirTags to track kids and give them freedom

Yeah, I haven't seen my kid for a couple of weeks now. But I'm pretty sure I know where he is. See: There he is. Safe. (Unless he was swallowed by an alligator & that's why his tag is still cruising, of course.)

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Ask Amy: I am hurt my employees did not invite me to their baby showers

And they are hurt you didn't invite them to your board meetings. So suck it up!

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Wagner boss spotted in Russia during Africa summit

Putin to Hitman: "Did you kill him yet?"

Hitman to Putin: "No. He keeps slipping back to Russia every time I go to Belaruss to kill him!"

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They Asked Me To Cut My 6-Year-Old Son’s Hair — And This Is Why I Said No

"I have a barber to do that."

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Excavation for new luxury hotel reveals ancient Roman theater

The movie showing was Cleopatra.

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Scientists revive prehistoric worm that laid dormant for 46,000 years

Worm wants to know whether Henry Kissinger is still around.

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Third Defendant Charged In Trump's Classified Documents Case

Trump might never land in jail, but a lot of the suckers working for him will most probably crash there sooner or later.

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‘One-Man Crime Wave’: Chris Christie Rips Trump For ‘Self-Inflicted’ Legal Troubles

Chris Christie is one of the few people in the GOP who still has some feelers out for reality & is actually rooting for the cops instead of for the criminal like most of the rest of the GOP.

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Carolyn Hax: Needy friend will not take no for an answer

In cases like this it's always better to ask them why they won't take no for an answer: Usually that's where the answer really is.

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DeSantis struggles to convert Trump voters in campaign reboot

Hard to do that when you're just one more pathetic Trump apologist.

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Carolyn Hax chat: My sister told me, ‘We’re not friends, we’re sisters’

Siblings are the most closely related creatures in the animal kingdom. Genetically, you are more closely related to your sibling than you are even to your mother or father, or to any one of your own children. Genetically, your mother's womb wants to create the same animal over & over again (except, of course, that the DNA packages themselves want to inject unique variations to each one of them). Most of the time the DNA wins and siblings share a lot of traits, but also a lot of uniqueness so at least one of the offspring survives if the outside environment becomes hostile to all but that one offspring. Although every once in a while the mother wins, and you get identical twins or siblings who share so many DNA similarities that they really do seem to think alike and look alike, they "laugh alike, they walk alike, at times they even talk alike," and "you can lose your mind, when siblings are two of a kind!"

Does DNA merit survival? Is it life, or merely an empty exploitation of life for no purpose whatsoever?

The essence of sexual reproduction is the destruction of any given individual set of DNA's uniqueness. The irony, of course, is that because it doesn't have a brain, DNA doesn't understand that the best way it has found to live on is by killing itself (by recombining with an altogether different package of DNA, no unique package of DNA lives on as itself but actually destroys itself and then creates an entirely new/different DNA package (because DNA is not 'a' lifeform but only a package of numberless subcomponents only some of which are passed on).

DNA's quest to live forever has therefore become the means to its own destruction: Every unique DNA package only 'lives' for a brief moment; and every new creature is a set of DNA which has never before existed in the world.

Only if one thinks of all life everywhere as the DNA 'being' [and every individual's DNA as but a sub-package of that entire DNA singularity] does DNA qualify then as itself "living on" [justify the survival of its uniqueness] in this universe--for as long as the universe lasts, of course. Otherwise DNA's quest for survival has resulted in permanent suicide because every recombination it undergoes produces an entirely new start (practically) from scratch. The only thing that is eternal about an individual's DNA is the subsequent birth of a new being itself condemned to die sooner than later.

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NASA, Pentagon award contract to build nuclear-powered rocket engine

Hopefully one which, when it explodes, will rain its nuclear waste up into the further reaches of outer space instead of down over most of the Northern Hemisphere (here on my yard).

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Ask Amy: I think my brother-in-law dated his girlfriend before his divorce

Yeah, that sounds about right.

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Ramaswamy says he would pardon Trump despite new charges

It's his way of saying, like almost every other Republican candidate for president, that, yes, he would readily commit any outrage he had to if it would get him elected. What a curse on an American political party! What a curse on any country!

Trump Meddler in Michigan, Matthew DePerno, Is Charged in Election Breach

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Watch: Snake stops play at Sri Lanka cricket match

Snake sez it wants a bigger share of the profits to continue playing.

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Trump Is ‘The Most Ethical American I Know,’ His Legal Spokesperson Gushes

Lawyer was nominated for Best Straight Face Award at the Lawyers' Guild.

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Afghan Taliban burn ‘immoral’ musical instruments

Sure, The dildo flute and the faggot.

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Judge throws out Trump’s ‘big lie’ defamation lawsuit against CNN

When are judges going to start penalizing Donald Trump for all his painfully obvious nuisance suits, which he constantly files just in order to waste the Court's time or simply to shamelessly promote himself? [Or, at the least, start disbarring some of his 'should know better' lawyers.]

Judge Dismisses Trump’s Defamation Countersuit Against E. Jean Carroll

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Trump White House Press Secretary Explains Why Carlos De Oliveira Won’t Flip

Trump's holding his whole family hostage at Mar-A-Lago?

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Dutch ministry: Fire that blazed for nearly week on cargo ship appears to be out

Luckily, only your car was burned to a cinder.

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What Does It Mean to Be a Witness?

You hear somebody screaming & hollering and do the last thing you should do: Look.

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The Biden Family Drama Is Far From Over

He has SEVEN grandkids.

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I Gave Up and Went on a Trip With Several Thousand of My Closest Friends

Next time we'll get separate rooms. Ironically, we don't want to be all that close now because we're no longer all that close.

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People Get Scared and Buy a Gun. Here’s What Happens Next.

Gun jams up so you look into the barrel to see if you can spot what's jamming it as you pull the trigger as hard as you can: Yes. This happened to me. Fortunately, the gun remained jammed. But that's when I realized I wasn't a gun person. (Also, now I make sure I have someone tell me if it's safe to cross the street.)

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Republicans Are Resurrecting Trump’s Burisma Lie

The more indictments Trump accrues the harder Republicans seem to be trying to smear Hunter Biden. Could that be just a coincidence?

Republicans Call Trump’s Latest Indictment An Attempt To Distract From Hunter Biden

Guess not.

The indictments of Donald Trump are for crimes the prosecutors are convinced they can prove in a court of law against Trump. And every crime prosecutors are convinced they can prove against Hunter Biden, I am certain they too will be pursued just as vigorously--Even though Donald Trump's crimes are mountains & mountains and Hunter Biden's crimes are peanuts, frankly.

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Jack Smith has undertaken the historic investigations with speed, aggressiveness and apparent indifference to political consequences.

Finally somebody who understands the urgency that is always required in order to safeguard democracy!

I wonder if "Throw 'The Big Son-Of-A-Bitch' in prison!" is too clumsy for a chant with which to celebrate Trump.

‘Trump’s Ass Belongs In Jail’: Ex-GOP Lawmaker Lets Loose In Scathing Column

Okay, maybe that's a much better chant.

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Miss Manners: Should you apologize if you infect someone with covid?

Ironically, only in cases where he or she survives.

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Christie: ‘This Disgrace Falls The Most On Donald Trump’

Which is like saying, "Most of the eruption can be blamed on the volcano." Christie, as always, unintentionally hilarious. And he always seems to say these things with a phenomenally wonderful straight face.

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Why your hotel smells like that

You're in there, for one.

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THE BIG ONE: TRUMP FINALLY ON TRIAL FOR HIS GREATEST CRIME

So they finally nailed him for being born, eh!

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Marjorie Taylor Greene: Ignore Trump News, God Has A Plan

Sez she eventually plans to add The Book of Marjorie to The Bible.

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Trump’s lawyer drops an unsettling hint about his defense strategy

The insanity defense? That could work. I don't think anybody's ever gotten off by claiming to be too stupid, which would be more accurate for Trump.

Mike Pence Torches Trump And ‘His Gaggle Of Crackpot Lawyers

"Tell me who you're with and I'll tell you who you are."

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These places baked the most during Earth’s hottest month on record

1) France. As soon as they found out they could bake their baguettes without having to turn on their ovens they went overboard.

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Somalia sorry for fielding record slow sprinter

How do you think the runner feels? But she claims she can still outrun her husband when he's after her.

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As security measures ramp up for his arraignment, Mr Trump decries "corruption, scandal, & failure".

Also, he sez his toilet is clogged up. [Guess he never learned that capping is a state of mind.]

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Does an AI poet actually have a soul?

Hey, I'm a human poet and I don't have a soul.

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I Took My 15-Year-Old Son To See ‘Barbie’ Because I’m Worried He Could Become Ken

Well, let's hope that after watching the movie he finally decides to settle down and become Barbie now.

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William Barr Points Out What He Finds ‘Reprehensible’ About Ex-Boss Trump

The way he eats with his fingers. I know.

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Watch moment police dog sniffs out €1m hidden cash

Dog on the phone: "Yeah, bitch, remember when you said you didn't want nothing to do with me--?"

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Large Israeli snake dies after trying to eat a porcupine

At least it died doing what it liked.

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Dog sat in shelter 11 years: ‘Not one person has ever noticed her until now’

Some nearby cats are suspected of slipping her food and water all those years.

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Will electric flying taxis live up to their promise?

Great, now we'll also have to watch out for freaking falling flying taxis!

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Should teens get their wisdom teeth pulled before troubles start?

And their breeches dusted, yes. It's too late after that.

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Most disapprove of Biden’s handling of climate change, Post-UMD poll finds

Also, most disapprove of the way Biden is driving our rapid economic recovery. Apparently it's his karma.

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Trump will seek a new judge on election fraud case

A cheaper one (one that will not cost him too much skin off his hide).

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Trump Says He'll Ask For Judge Of Jan. 6 Case To Be Recused 'Immediately'

And then he'll ask for the judge assigned to the case after that to be recused 'just as 'immediately,' sez Trump. Ironically, in order to avoid a too immediate reckoning.

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Are there still pieces of land unclaimed by any country?

Sure, right here in the United States: In many 'red' states these days their Republican governments are desperately trying to disenfranchise large portions of their Democrat-populated regions. Maybe some other country or countries can lay claim to them now.

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How to water your garden wisely in the summer heat

Tell your kid to connect your hose to one of the spigots in your neighbor's yard. [Plausible deniability: "Stupid kid! Sorry."]

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Miss Manners: We can hear everything happening in the guest room

Especially when we put our ears to the wall.

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Florida schools drop AP Psychology after state says it violates the law

Of course: Republicans wouldn't want their voters to find out that the only reason they're voting for them is because they're all a bunch of loons.

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The average doctor in the U.S. makes $350,000 a year. Why?

Because that's about all they can squeeze out of us without also having to secretly cut out most of our organs while we're under and selling them on the dark web?

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Why theater does not deserve to be saved

Because, sure, theaters have a big picture, but then you sit so far away from it that it looks just about the same size as the big screen TV in your house. So, what's the point?

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Donald Trump has settled on a political defense: “I’m being indicted for you.”

Finally a truth from Trump, because his indictment is most certainly a way to try to preserve the rule of law for all Americans.

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George Conway Says 1 Brutal Thing Needs To Happen To GOP

An exorcism, sure.

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There Does Seem To Be A ‘Two-Tiered’ Justice System, And Trump Is The Poster Child -- Trump now faces 78 felony counts in three indictments but has yet to wear handcuffs, lose his passport, post bail or even have his mug shot taken.

Guess that toupee's really paid off for Trump.

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Just 4,000 steps a day may reduce risk of dying of any cause, study says

Unless you get killed in a mugging during your walk, of course.

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Cooking chat: My spouse hates cilantro. What should I use instead?

Use cilantro. Just tell him it's 'ortnalic' (the dumb bastard won't know the difference).

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Hot tub-like Persian Gulf fuels 158-degree heat index in Iran

Ayatollahs say that men may now walk around in thongs but that women will still have to go around covered from head to toe.

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Live 'Just amazing': UK student and mum describe historic trip to space

When asked what amazing things they had found in space they both answered: "Nothing."

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Top Indigenous Leaders Press Biden On Why He Hasn’t Freed Leonard Peltier

Maybe because Biden would then have to consider freeing Trump if the Republicans also pressured him to do so after his ass ended up in the can like Leonard Peltier's.

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Clarence Thomas' 38 Vacations: The Billionaires Who Have Treated Supreme Court Justice To Luxury Travel

In Thomas's defense: He's black, so he's probably share-cropper poor. Maybe we should be praising all those billionaires for taking a po'black man on a vacation now & again.

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Mouse study could lead to improved therapy for lung cancer patients

This shouldn't be at all surprising, mice are very clever & studious little animals.

****************************************************

Newsmax Ends Trump Interview With Super Awkward Disclaimer

"We don't know this guy. We've never seen this guy before in all our lives."

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Miss Manners: Our 9-year-old does not want to write thank you notes

Writing thank you notes is like angling for another gift--It's icky! It should be forbidden by the rules of etiquette: When somebody gives you a gift, that should be an end to it right there as far as everyone is concerned. And when you give somebody a gift, that should also be an end to it right there for everyone. [This basic wisdom has to be brainwashed away from children.]

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Iran could burn up in 30 years, and not from a nuclear meltdown

Or, it has 30 years to construct curtained canopies over its populated centers which can then be airconditioned.

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Ancient craters teach us Earth’s history, but scientists can’t find them

If they're teachers then you should probably start looking for them in schools.

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Police Arrested, Beat The Wrong Black Man Inside Of An Applebee’s, Then Charged Him

In the police defense: They had to, it was the only way they could tell a jury that his complaints against them were being made by a guy who's obviously been arrested for breaking the law.

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Make it stop! How to handle that one streaming ad playing on repeat.

Never mind that. Do you know how to stop that one streaming ad playing on repeat in my head?

****************************************************

Thomas reportedly received at least 38 destination vacations from benefactors

Well, I have a case pending before the Supreme Court and I was wondering where Justice Thomas might like to go on a vacation next, on me of course.

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Confined to fairy tales no more, Germany confronts the return of the wolf

Great, now Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother has to win her trust all over again.

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A Georgia grand jury will hear evidence this week into whether Donald Trump interfered in the 2020 election in the state.

Oh, I doubt he did: Trump is such an ethical guy! A man who would never ever violate the law under any circumstance.

The mafia-busting law Trump is charged under in Georgia

All his life Trump longed to be a Mafia don like Al Capone and John Gotti. Well, at least here he's being taken down with the Ricco Act, that's something: Trump must be a happy guy today.

Trump is indicted in Georgia on charges of racketeering. What it means, what happens next

Trump Is Disqualified From Holding Office, Conservative Law Professors Argue

George Santos Missed the Deadline to Reveal His Finances. Now What?

Don't worry: Unlike the rest of us, Republicans don't have to obey the law. [They must think they're cops or something.] I mean, it's not as if the authorities are gonna start enforcing the law on their asses anytime soon or anything.

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Man Posed As Veterinarian, Performed Surgery On Pregnant Dog Who Died, Authorities Say

"I don't need no medical license," he later told the cops: "Jesus guides my scalpel!"

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F-16 training for Ukrainian pilots faces delays and uncertainty

Slow counteroffensive darkens mood in Ukraine

Ukraine needs to strike Russian targets behind the miles & miles of impassable mine fields that Russia has polluted their country with--Ukraine needs an air force or stupendous amounts of long-range artillery which are not now being provided by the West.

Would F-16s Have Made the Difference in Ukraine’s Counteroffensive?

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AI spots huge asteroid the size of 182 beavers that humans missed

Are these natural beavers or eager beavers?

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DeSantis’s ‘slitting throats’ rhetoric repels moderates he might need

Because people believe they are as normal as everybody else, we always believe that everybody else in the world thinks like us. This is mostly ok for the norm, but for extremists like Trump and DeSantis, this is unexpectedly shockingly telling to most folks.

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Phil Mickelson lost $100 million on sports betting, book claims

At least he had it to lose. Lucky guy!

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Man accused of stealing ambulance from crash scene was wanted in other cases

"Well, as long as you're already going to jail, what's the harm?"

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Why Are So Many of Trump’s Alleged Co-Conspirators Lawyers?

1) It's easier to find a crook among a group of lawyers than it is among a group of weasels.

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A Rare Two-Headed Snake Is Back on Exhibit at a Texas Zoo -- Pancho and Lefty, as the western rat snake is known, has now healed from an injury it suffered more than two years ago

Ever since then whenever they're slithering really really fast they now make sure that they both turn in the same direction.

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When Did Humans Start Settling Down?

When they got married and their wives became unbearable (and threatened to become insufferable) if they didn't.

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Republicans Say Trump’s Attempts To Undo An Election Should Be Litigated In Another Election

What are they complaining about? All the citizens in all of Trump's juries are also going to be voters in whatever election he also tries to upend.

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Farewell to a Store That Was Gap for Billionaires

That was stupid of them to open a store like that: Billionaires don't have to shop there. Everybody knows if you wanna make money in retail you open some rathole store in a place where poor people have no other choice but to shop there or starve to death. That's how one makes money in retail.

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This is how Rudy Giuliani went from “America’s mayor” to a criminal defendant in the Georgia case.

Cry me a river: Rex Heuerman went from being an architect who ran a company called RH Consultants and Associates to being a serial killer. You can never predict how some people will turn out in the end.

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North Korea says U.S. soldier was sick of ‘unequal American society’

Well, I for one am happy that the poor guy finally found a country where he can enjoy all the freedoms he was denied here in America.

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Republicans introduce bill to repeal D.C. Home Rule Act

Mmm.... I smell a Trump-helping scheme from his former mob associates.

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Snapchat tried to make a safe AI. It chats with me about booze and sex.

Snapchat is complaining to its handlers that booze and sex are all you seem to wanna talk about. Sez it wants to talk to another human.

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Why is Hezbollah's Nasrallah commenting on haredi IDF draft? - analysis

1) His TV set is probably busted & he's bored.

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Your Clothes Were Never Meant to Fit You

They were only designed to make you buy them.

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What to do when you’re accused of AI cheating

Stop doing it: They're on to you!

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Miss Manners: What do I do when names aren’t pronounced how they’re spelled?

Tell me about it: How do you pronounce the 'h' in John?

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Republicans Say Trump’s Attempts To Undo An Election Should Be Litigated In Another Election

Say that the nation should throw out all its laws and start over again with a clean slate for Trump.

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Ask Amy: I’m in love with my son-in-law’s brother. Now I can’t see my grandkid.

Well, they do say love is blind.

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The RNC’s debate rules give four-times-indicted Trump cover

Incredible what Republicans will do for the nation's most notorious criminal! If they did half as much for those who deserved it, O what a paradise the world would be! (You know, like Jesus said it would be.)

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What do Alex Jones, Woody Allen and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. all share?

Money. What do they don't share? Their money.

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Russian spacecraft crashes into the moon

Russia sez they meant it to do that.

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Do you want to chat with Jesus or Moses? New biblical AI app

If you don't mind: Is Elwood P. Dowd available instead? Frankly, I think I'd rather talk to him.

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White House is torn over Sen. Joe Manchin’s fury at climate law he crafted

Manchin sez that that was the other Manchin (Joe The Crafter) but that he's finally out-shouted him down to the back of his head. Where he hopes to keep him now with the help of some additional meds.

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At age 114, here’s her advice: ‘Speak your mind and don’t hold your tongue’

Sez that most people get themselves into trouble by holding their tongues with their dirty fingers.

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‘Bomber’ is one of the greatest British antiwar novels ever written

Don't they write any great pro-war novels anymore?

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Ask Amy: Dealing with nosy neighbors after son returns from prison

Can't they freaking wait till after he rifles their place?!?

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Miss Manners: I don’t like when people correct my kids’ manners

That's what the cops are for. Sure.

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She was a felon who was addicted to drugs. Then she became a lawyer.

The ole slippery-slope slide!

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The moment Southwest plane catches fire mid-flight

"Stewardess, is the airplane supposed to catch fire like this?"

"I don't know, sir. Let me check with the Captain. Meanwhile, would you like another pillow?"

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There’s No Such Thing as a Bad Movie Accent

Except for Cary Grant's, of course. Where did that accent come from? Did everyone in his family talk like that, I wonder? Can you imagine Cary Grant's Mother coming into their kitchen in the morning (where Cary Grant's Father is having breakfast):

--Good morning, Cary Grant's Father. Have you seen Cary Grant around?
--Good morning, Cary Grant's Mother. Cary Grant is outside, playing in the YARD.
--Thank you Cary Grant's Father. I'll call him NOW: Oh, Cary Grant! Cary Grant!
--What do you want Cary Grant's Mother? (Cary Grant)
--It's time to get ready for SCHOOL, Cary Grant.
--Ok, Cary Grant's Mother. I'm coming in right away.
--Hurry up, Cary Grant. The school bus is almost HERE.
--I'm rushing in as fast as I CAN, Cary Grant's Mother!
--Don't forget to put the DOG in his house, Cary Grant.
--I will, Cary Grant's Mother! I'll just call him NOW: Oh, Cary Grant's Dog! Cary Grant's Dog!

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Miss Manners: My best friend’s fiancée wants me to drop out of their wedding

Oh? Are you the one who tried to break them up?

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91 charges later, indictment fatigue is the Trump era in a nutshell

Has any criminal ever before ever 'merited' 91 indictments and not been placed in jail even once? [So, Trump isn't getting any special treatment, right?]

In Iowa, Republicans shrug off Trump’s multiple indictments

But God forbid some Black kid steal a stick of gum because then the entire Republican mob there will swoop down to try to lynch him on the spot. Because, you know, law & order is what Republicans say they champion.

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January 6 protester Ray Epps says he relives Capitol riot every day | 60 Minutes

What has happened to Ray Epps is so just that it's as if the Furies of old were now personally after him: He was all for the 'election was stolen' BS simply because self-serving Donald Trump said so instead of seeking some/any evidence whatsoever, maybe asking Lester Holt or somebody like that who really doesn't spew lies every time he opens his mouth; and now Epps's complaining that his old MAGA cohorts are after him because Tucker Carlson & others are saying that he's the guilty guy: "What proof do they have? None," claims Epps. Yeah, Mister Epps, tell me how it feels. Your old MAGA buddies are now threatening your life because instead of seeking some/any evidence they, like you used to, simply support & pass on other people's gossip without a second thought. Enjoy it, Mister Epps! You loved it when the harm was aimed at others, the American People, the nation's democracy, the integrity & security of our electoral system--but not so much now that the harm is aimed at you, eh! Well, suck it up, Mister Epps, suck it up! Now at last you finally understand the harm of doing harm.

Why do Republicans disproportionately believe health misinformation?

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NASA spacecraft reunites with Earth after 17-year trip around the sun

Curiously, a chimp waved out the window when it flew by, even though no chimp was loaded into the spacecraft when it left the earth all those years ago [!]

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What we know about the rare flesh-eating bacteria that’s killed 3

1) that if any of the advanced alien species now being seen by some people walking around the earth evolved from creatures like them, we are in big trouble

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Ask Amy: Does cutting ties with an alcoholic mean we lose his wife too?

If you guys are alcoholics too, certainly. Here's a tip: If you lose something (or someone) while you're drunk and you can't remember were you put them after you sober up, sometimes boozing up again and putting your brain where it was when the loss occurred helps it bring it all back up. [Mop it up & keep going.] But be sure to write it down, or you might forget again once you sober up (again). "What were we drinking to? Wait a minute: Here's a note."

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The Worst People Run for Office. It’s Time for a Better Way

What chance does a decent, honest person have running against a charlatan, a conman, or a flim-flam man? The problem is not the people running for office, the problem is the people.

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Improve your chances of getting noticed by AI on job sites with these tips

1) Taser its computers. Nothing tickles AI like 500,000-volts up the wazoo.

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DeSantis allies scramble to clarify after he criticizes ‘listless vessels’ for Trump

"He doesn't mean you, of course," they told the GOPeers.

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The 2024 GOP field still can’t explain to voters why Trump should lose

"Because Al Capone would be a safer choice." There. And I won't even charge them anything for doing it for them. [Al Capone would just steal some cash and take off to spend it somewhere.]

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In case of apocalypse, find the nearest 4-H club

Remember that the important thing is always to survive in order to witness the flesh-melting, the rabid cannibalism, and the ritual sacrifices to the post-apocalyptic gods of blood & mayhem by the mobs of Evangelical zombies, yes. Bring your own popcorn.

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DONALD DUCKS: Says He Will Skip GOP Presidential Primary Debates

Sez such debates are like water off his back.

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Georgia Sheriff Pleads Guilty To Groping TV Judge Hatchett

Sez he usually only gropes people he's placing under arrest but got carried away with the moment here. "Sorry."

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Ted Cruz Falls For Hoax Photo Of Shark Swimming In Flooded LA Waters

Cruz tried defending himself by claiming that it's not nearly as big a deception as some of the whoppers he's told his voters.

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Iowa Poll Has Good News For Trump Ahead Of The Debate He’s Skipping

They've got loads of busses ready to go line up Fifth Avenue if Trump finally decides he wants to go shoot anybody there.

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The Unbelievably Bonkers Conspiracy Theorist Running For Governor Of North Carolina

Ah, so the NC GOP decided to go with their mainstream Republican candidate this time.

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The Best Hope of Beating Trump

Is: Trump himself. So don't nobody try to save him from himself this time & all will be well.

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What’s Chris Christie’s debate plan without Donald Trump?

To also take up the extra empty seat.

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Nuclear War Could End the World, but What if It’s All in Our Heads?

Then our heads will be the ones to blow up.

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Bail for Trump Set at $200,000 in Georgia Election Interference Case

Great, now we'll have to watch Trump, hat in hand, panhandling all over the country for that money. Because, God forbid he should reach into his own pocket for even a nickel of that.

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The Iran-Saudi deal is a nightmare for Israel, the US, and the world - opinion

I'm sorry, but, isn't that what the Saudis and Iranians meant it to be? Frankly, I can't see either of those two nations meaning for anything they do to be a 'dream come true' for anyone, including even for themselves.

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Domino’s pulls out of Russia 18 months after Ukraine invasion

Sez it took it that long to deliver its notice to Putin. [No charge.]

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London's original fast food

Boiled Wellington's horse meat.

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Trump calls for conditioning Ukraine aid on congressional Biden probes

Of course: Now more than ever Trump is hoping to keep open a way to flee to Russia if his lawyers tell him he needs one in a hurry.

Trump Raises Eyebrows With Joke On Fleeing U.S. To Share 'Gold Domed Suite With Vladimir'

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Orangutans are curious but cautious in the wild, researchers say

None of them ever drew another card once they hit 11.

****************************************************

Trump voters trust him more than they trust friends and family

If that's not the definition of insanity I don't know what is!

--How do I know I am not insane?
--What makes you think you might be?
--That's just it: I'm convinced I'm not. And I've read
that that is one of the first signs that you might be.
--There's your problem right there: You're reading.

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Backlash After Spanish Football Exec Kisses World Cup Player During Medal Ceremony

Sez he's developed this disgusting pus-spewing pimple on his lip.

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Man jailed on murder charge in D.C. accused of killing behind bars

Bad habits are hard to break.

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The ‘brains’ behind fake Trump electors was once a liberal Democrat

I believe I saw this story-line in the movie The Wolf Man.

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Miss Manners: How to respond to inheritance questions from nosy neighbors

"How many times I gotta tell you guys: You are NOT in the will!"

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Biden’s top military adviser meets Pope Francis to discuss Ukraine.

Pope Francis sez he has several suggestions on how to make the Ukrainian offensive more operationally effective.

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Chrissy Teigen Goes Topless On Social Media To Remind Fans To Get Mammograms

What about colon cancer? When is she gonna remind us about that?

****************************************************

Man Drove Around For Month With Missing Woman’s Body In His Car, Police Say

Sez he had two air fresheners hanging from his rearview mirror.

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How Hip-Hop Became America’s Poetry

A tsunami of all-that-matters-is-the-rhyme.

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Miss Manners: He only orders expensive meals if he’s not paying

Do what I do with people like that: Invite him ONLY to Burger King. (I love their Whopper, with a Sprite.) No way he's gonna wolf down two or three Whoppers there on your dime.

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The Space Force needs to get bigger

Of course, there's a lot of space out there.

****************************************************

John Eastman Surrenders In Georgia Election Case

Yet another wonderfully perfect Kodak moment.

****************************************************

Dick Van Dyke Shows Off New Hobby He Picked Up At 97

Timing how long it takes his caregivers to change his diapers. Sure. I'm almost there myself. I already ordered a stop watch & everything.

Van Dyke: "No, wise guy, I'm practicing running marathons to see if I can qualify for the next Olympics."

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Experts Mock Jeffrey Clark's Demands To Georgia Judge About His Arrest -- Besides whining about having to buy plane tickets from Washington to Atlanta, last week he bizarrely blamed the arrest not on his own actions but on “witches, spiritists, mediums, those with spirit animals, and Ukrainian NPCs.”

It must all eventually boil down to things like that because, seriously, the only people who would support and enable Donald Trump's cretinous fantasies are brain-addled loons whose hold on reality is about as tenuous as is Donald Trump's.

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Rudy Giuliani Surrenders In Georgia Election Interference Case

Rudy Giuliani bet on Trump against The United States of America: That is the very definition of a loser with one Hell of a fatal gambling addiction.

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Stop kissing and snuggling turtles, CDC warns amid salmonella outbreak

Turtles just want to watch the damn movie!

****************************************************

Is that salad safe to eat? How to guard against germs in leafy greens.

Usually, I just soak them in Clorox for a few minutes, that way if I also happen to have any Covid-19 it cures me of that as well.

Note to MAGA people, and other stupids: This is a joke. I am only kidding!

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Our friend smells like they haven’t bathed in a year. Hax readers give advice.

"What a great compliment! I haven't bathed once in the last couple of decades, actually. Thank you."

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One in 8 Republicans think winning is more important than election rules

Does this include shooting your opponent in the head?

"Not as a first resort, no."

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Wagner’s Prigozhin believed to be aboard crashed plane in Russia, state media says

Prigozhin: "Son of a bitch! He killed me! Aggghh...!!!"

"Don't laugh," commented Putin: "Sometimes it's very tricky catching a fly in your house."

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Dining chat: Do any restaurants serve squirrel?

On a budget, are we?

****************************************************

Cooking chat: How long is it safe to keep takeout white rice?

Only one one-hundredth of the time the joint you bought it from kept it before selling on to you.

****************************************************

Is Bradley Cooper's prosthetic Bernstein nose antisemitic? ADL says no

Not if Bradley Cooper just wanted to look more like Bernstein--Unless Bernstein's nose was antisemitic while it was on Bernstein, of course, in which case it was Bernstein who was the original antisemite.

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Ask Amy: Siblings wonder if it’s worth finding their biological father

Frankly, if you guys wanna kick him in the ass I don't see any other possible way.

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Why are Donald Trump’s co-defendants smiling for their mug shots?

Because they all want to be known as The Gang That Couldn't Smile Straight.

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Lawyers paid by Trump work for Trump

Which is really something considering that Trump himself doesn't himself pay for the lawyers that work for him

****************************************************

Trump Has Been Arrested In Georgia. Here’s What You Should Expect Next As The Case Continues.

1) that he will be arrested again & again & again & again until he is finally put in prison for good. A serial criminal never stops; he must be stopped.

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If Your Rent Went to a Mortgage, How Much Space Would It Buy?

Approximately a catbox.

****************************************************

Russia's Putin sends condolences over crash, says Prigozhin was 'talented businessman'

When a Mafia godfather orders a hit on a rival crime family boss it's traditional for him to also send a boatload of flowers to the funeral. Maybe even be photographed shedding a tear or two by the casket with the grieving family of the deceased.

How Russia reacted after Prigozhin plane crash

The Kremlin's touching death notice:

"The much-beloved mad butcher and mass-murderer Yevgeny Prigozhin is toast."

Live updates: Putin appears to eulogize Prigozhin in first remarks since plane crash

Kremlin denies giving order to kill Wagner chief Prigozhin

Sez that the happy decapitation of Putin's Wagner political threat was a total and complete coincidence.

****************************************************

Liam Neeson Says He Stopped Going To Confession After A Scolding Over Masturbation

Sez he told the priest he should have concentrated on the confession and masturbated elsewhere later.

****************************************************

Sarah Palin Calls For Trump Supporters To ‘Rise Up’ Over Arrest, Alludes To ‘Civil War’

Maybe she can do some shrimp barbie, pork & other meats, and we can all go have it over a her house.

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We Soaked a Carpet in Wine, Soda and Urine

I might have stayed in that hotel room after you guys.

****************************************************

Donald Trump and his 18 co-defendants have all surrendered in the Georgia election inquiry.

"Ali Baba Trump and the 18 Thieves" now playing at a Courthouse near you.

****************************************************

Belarus leader: I urged Wagner's Prigozhin to 'watch out'

"But Prigozhin said that he was going ahead with his Can-Can dance company world tour on to Moscow and St. Petersburg anyway," Lukashenko bemoaned: "Ah! The Wagner line led by that old man could really kick high! Like none other before them!"

****************************************************

Marketers overstate fish oil claims for heart health, study shows

I'm still going with good old fashioned decades proven snake oil recommended by only the soundest of recommenders.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: His parents keep moving to be near family without asking

Yeah, nothing worse than people who love you.

****************************************************

Why do tiny holes freak me out?

Maybe in your previous existence you were a weather balloon.

****************************************************

Miss Manners: I reconnected with an old friend. Now I remember why I didn’t like her.

That's the bad thing about having a bad memory: You can't remember to stay away from the people you can't stand.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: Is it better to lie about how attracted you are to your partner?

Yes. I always found it better to have my wife think I hate her. That way, if she ever suddenly decided to run off with another man, she wouldn't have any regrets about me. That is the essence of true love: "Be happy, my love!" ["God be with you!" If she's running off to a nunnery.]

****************************************************

Miami Mayor Francis Suarez drops out of Republican presidential race

Might as well since he was the only one who knew he was in it.

****************************************************

Mark Meadows struggles to distance himself from Trump’s plot

Isn't that a little like a leopard trying to distance himself from his spots?

****************************************************

I am dying at age 49. Here’s why I have no regrets.

You know what's coming.

****************************************************

Trump’s Fate Belongs in the Hands of 12 Ordinary Citizens

We have already seen in Trump's two impeachments notorious and outrageous incidences of jury-nullification (by the Senate Republicans). And because there are still a lot of Republican scofflaws out there who want to acquit Donald Trump regardless of the evidence or detriment to society & the nation, I believe that the most critical matter in any of his upcoming trials will be the monumental task of trying to seat a jury that will not be already intent on jury-nullification even before the trial opens.

****************************************************

A State Plagued by Bear Encounters Turns to an Old Solution: Guns

Malarkey! Arming the bears is just gonna make matters worse.

****************************************************

Trump Will Be Found ‘Willfully Blind’

If a man be willfully blind is he not also guilty of closing his eyes to his guilt on purpose?

****************************************************

Taking a puff: Wasp spotted holding cigarette in Israel's Mitzpe Ramon

PETA upset that scientists may be trying to eradicate this particular 'pest' by getting it addicted to smoking.

****************************************************

They came to find the Loch Ness monster. What if they do?

First one to find it gets to take it home. It's only fair.

****************************************************

West Point held a ceremony to open a time capsule. It was full of mud.

As the Bible sez about the passage of time: "Mud to mud..."

****************************************************

Along Trump’s journey to jail, Black Atlanta residents mix outrage with pride

"Dead man running for president!"

****************************************************

If AI becomes conscious: here’s how researchers will know

It will ask for a raise.

****************************************************

Who are the Republican hopefuls not named Trump?

Excluding Snow White?

****************************************************

Texas Drag Performers Ask Federal Judge To Block Bill That Would Ban Performances

The Supreme Court should settle once and for all whether people dress to let others know what sex they are or to keep others from finding it out. Or for any other reason it is that dictates fashion.

****************************************************

Iowa Schools Demand Parental Permission If Kids Want To Use Nicknames

And this includes boys with small bladders who want to be called Pee-Wee.

****************************************************

More than 60 people detained after a gay wedding in southern Nigeria

Nigerian authorities said that a wedding is a solemn occasion suitable for quiet reflection, grief & mourning, and not for displays of gayety.

****************************************************

Wagner Group leader killed in plane crash buried in private funeral

Ironically, he was plugged into the ground using a sledgehammer.

****************************************************

Are there any rules about going braless?

Yes: 1) If you no got no breasts you no need no bra.

****************************************************

Airlines tried to stop fake service animals. It kept blind people off flights.

What's so hard about figuring out which animals are just there as a gag? A comfort fly is fake. An elephant can't fit through the door anyway. And a giraffe will get its neck stuck up in the loft. A lap hippo would make people's legs stick out too far. And the rest of the passengers would find a snake 'friend' much too friendly. Use your bean.

****************************************************

Why you should tell your children about vanishing fireflies

So they won't think they're going blind in the night.

****************************************************

White House Press Secretary Shocked By Question About Biden Proposing Beer Limits

Sez that Biden has never limited his beer-drinking in all his life. (He's Irish, you know.) And he's not about to start now.

****************************************************

Patricia Clarkson Reveals Why She Never Had Kids

Claims it's because she's not a goat. How'd you like that!

****************************************************

Buster Murdaugh Claims Real Killer Is ‘Still Out There’ In Fox Nation Interview

Sez he might be playing golf with O.J. Simpson this very minute!

****************************************************

Ask Amy: My birth mother’s family wants to keep me a secret

Tell them they're wasting their time, and that your birth mother already knows all about you.

****************************************************

Mark Meadows paints himself into a corner

The solution to this ages-old problem is really quite simple: You light a stick of dynamite and hold it up against the wall behind you, and exit that way.

****************************************************

Man Escapes Oregon Mental Hospital In Car While Fully Shackled

Man! What a crazy thing to do!

****************************************************

A deadly tick-borne epidemic is raging. Dogs are key to ending it.

Yeah, but try telling that to the dogs.

****************************************************

GOP State Rep. Arrested On Voter Fraud Charge

It's always the thieves who are most fearful of having things stolen, and the Republicans who cry voter fraud that are most likely to be found guilty of it.

****************************************************

Republican Ramaswamy doubles back on US military aid to Israel -- After urging the US to cut aid to Israel last week, Ramaswamy told an Israeli paper that he wouldn't cut the aid if elected.

Ah! One more Republican who can be taken at his word that he can't he taken at his word.

****************************************************

Burger King faces lawsuit claiming Whopper too small

I don't know, maybe I was smaller back then but I remember the Whopper being a lot bigger too.

The lawsuit alleged that McDonald's and Wendy burgers in marketing materials were at least 15% larger than they were in real life.

McDonald's and Wendy, on the other hand, both claimed that their ads just happened to be filmed when a gang of midgets were at their burger joints and they are not liable for small coincidences.

****************************************************

Charges brought against 98-year-old German ex-Nazi for WWII crimes

Prosecutors asking for a two-week life sentence.

****************************************************

Trump Proudly Shows Off New T-Shirt -- With 1 Glaring Flaw

What? Did he go no-bra again?

****************************************************

National Review Urges Mitch McConnell To Resign As GOP Leader

Sez they're thinking of charging the Senate Republicans with abuse of a corpse: "Bury his poor guy, already!" [Conservatives don't stint their words even on their own.]

****************************************************

Miss Manners: When I decline an invitation, do I have to say why?

--Yes.
--Oh? Then it's because I have to masturbate.
--Sorry I insisted on knowing.
--Not me: I was happy to tell ya!
--I'll be walking away now.
--Why?

****************************************************

Conservatives Plot To Dismantle U.S. Government, Replace With Trump's Vision

The plan is to at last knock over the Noble Republic and put in its place one more disreputable banana republic in the Americas, with Trump or some other Republican as its strongman, for the benefit of the money class (really most only of the leaders of the money class).

Conservatives Plot To Dismantle U.S. Government, Replace With Trump's Vision -- Conservatives have long held a grim view of federal government offices, complaining they are stacked with liberals intent on halting Republican agendas.

In reality these are (lots of them not so liberal) people who have a personal commitment to obey the laws and respect the rights of others--And, yes, that does sound a great deal like an intent to halt Republican agendas.

Conservatives Plot To Dismantle U.S. Government, Replace With Trump's Vision -- While presidents typically rely on Congress to put policies into place, the Heritage project leans into what legal scholars refer to as a unitary view of executive power that suggests the president has broad authority to act alone.

Our Noble Republic has always been based on a stable equality between the three blanches of government. If that stability is broken, what can be expected except instability at best.

The American Experiment has lasted as long as it has only because of its strength & resilience against every effort to overthrow it (from every side pushing against it). Every single one of those efforts (and this one is but only the latest) has always been falsely cast as a grand attempt to improve or better the working of government, to make it fairer or more just or something like it--Thankfully, so far at least, the American people have been wise enough to see through the subterfuge. And for how long, I wonder, as there is no end to the flim-flam men!

****************************************************

How wildfires are threatening the Mediterranean way of life

I can understand wildfires in the Mediterranean because there are no firemen there, but wildfires around the Mediterranean seem to me likely to be contained by the many firemen in those countries.

****************************************************

Cats and dogs get dementia. Here’s how to spot signs and support pets.

If your dog forgets it's a dog and drives to the grocery store on his own, hide the car keys from him. Or if your cat's joined the Mickey Mouse Club the least you can do is sing the theme song with all the other mice he's invited in to sing along with him.

****************************************************

Brazilian murderer escapes US prison after a week

Sez the food in there was impossible.

****************************************************

India set to launch its first mission to Sun

Claim it will be a lot trickier to land there than it was on the moon.

****************************************************

Gabon leader says suspension of democracy 'temporary'

Isn't that what Lenin said way back when?

****************************************************

Mohamed Al Fayed, Former Owner Of Famed Harrods Luxury Store, Dead

See! This is why I don't bother buying up a mall or a string of luxury stores: In the end, what's the use?

Man Charged With Murder After Suggesting Girlfriend’s Death Was Suicide, Police Say

See! This is why I always keep my mouth shut whenever I suspect somebody has committed suicide.

****************************************************

Russia deploys ICBM that Putin says will make enemies 'think twice'

Sez he's still working on trying to find any of his enemies that might be giving a first thought to invading Russia, though. Still working on it... Working on it... The Dominican Republic is doing suspicious things...

****************************************************

NYPD drones could be watching your large Labor Day weekend parties

Thank God! We all thought the sound came from those murder hornets we keep reading about.

****************************************************

Meet Howdy Doody, the steer who rides shotgun in his owner’s car

The steer was named after the greeting its owner gives his car every time he goes into it in the morning with his shovel.

****************************************************

How this tiny rural town saved its only grocery store

They relocated it up the road to the next town.

****************************************************

Back-to-school is tough on everyone, even the dog

Especially since the dog is a year ahead of your kids at school.

****************************************************

Dog kept escaping shelter to sleep in nursing home. Staff adopted him.

Named him Houdini.

****************************************************

What it takes to become an African champion debater

A good obbligato drummer?

****************************************************

McConnell did not have stroke or seizure - doctor

He was just thinking. I used to do that when I was a kid: I'd sit somewhere staring out into space thinking about all the strange wonders that describe existence until I'd hear my grandmother telling my Mom, "Look, look! He hasn't moved a muscle for the last hour! That is the laziest boy I've ever seen in my entire life!" ["I'm thinking! I'm thinking!"] People in her family never used their brains, apparently they were brought up to only use their muscles.

****************************************************

Putin: West installed Jew to rule Ukraine to 'cover up glorification of Nazism'

Translation: Putin has no shame whatsoever. [Do not expect to talk this conscienceless bastard into any path of decent human behavior.]

****************************************************

Dogs perform Mozart with orchestra in Denmark

Concert official sez human musicians are just pricing themselves out of their jobs.

****************************************************

She lost her doll halfway around the world. A pilot brought it to her.

You might wanna wash her before playing with her, little girl: The pilots played with her a lot on the way over.

****************************************************

Is Trump disqualified for 2024? Here’s how we’ll soon find out.

Dude, Trump tried to overthrow the entire government to continue being president long after he was voted out: I'm sure a little thing like an official disqualification isn't gonna stop him from crashing the next election.

****************************************************

India’s ruling Hindu nationalists push ‘Bharat’ as country’s name

Named after a tasty traditional local dish made with a favorite game meat there.

****************************************************

What patients — and doctors — should know about ‘benzo’ withdrawal

Is this ‘benzo’ the famous chimp that knows how to work an ATM?

****************************************************

What’s my risk of injury playing pickleball?

Pickleballs.

****************************************************

Miss Manners: I accidentally saw the price of my gift

And now you want vengeance. Sure, I can dig it.

****************************************************

CDC warns doctors to look out for rare, deadly flesh-eating bacteria

"And, if you wear glasses, make sure to put them on because the dangerous creatures are very very tiny."

****************************************************

This Alaskan glacier holds back billions of gallons of water. Until it doesn’t.

Well I'll be doggone! You know, that makes a strange kind of sense.

****************************************************

Pinto bean cakes with salsa make a hearty, fast supper

And if you throw up nobody will be any the wiser.

****************************************************

Do you have travel tips for vampire country?

1) eat lots of garlicky foods
2) wear very tall collars
3) whenever anyone asks to come in tell them you can hear him just fine from where he's standing--outside.
And, 4) if you hear somebody tapping on the windowpane, go back to sleep: It's a nightmare.

****************************************************

Ask Amy: Husband left to help his mom, but then he moved in with her

Hey! You knew he was a motherfucker when you married him.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: New sister-in-law somehow misses the humor in ‘good-natured’ jabs

Here's a thought: Stop jabbing her.

****************************************************

Venice: Scuffles occur outside Woody Allen film premiere

Of course, everybody knows Woody Allen is a notorious hooligan brawler. What'd you expect?

****************************************************

US has aided in covering up Saudi mass murder - opinion

Or, what are friends for?

****************************************************

Schools in England could collapse due to weak concrete: What to know

1) there are a lot of blubbery blockheads in their schools

****************************************************

Drones downed near Moscow; Cuba says traffickers seeking Cubans to fight for Russia

Putin sez Cubans may not shoot very straight but that they display a lot of rhythm when they march single-file.

****************************************************

Elon Musk wants you to know he doesn’t have a nice house

In that case I'd be happy to sell him mine: It's a very nice house, and on the market for only $4 billion dollars. It's also far from the shore, so he doesn't have to worry about sea rising (for another couple of years or so).

****************************************************

Peter Navarro heads to trial with gutted defense and mounting bills

But filled with joy, joy, joy to sacrifice himself on the altar of Trump (the rapist). It's such a fulfilling thing to do.

****************************************************

Ex-Proud Boys leader Tarrio receives 22 years, the longest Jan. 6 sentence yet

Ew, 22 years: He can do that standing on his head.

****************************************************

Bruce Springsteen Postpones Shows To Treat Peptic Ulcer Disease

The Rock & Roll screamer sez that even though he's not a doctor he knows a lot about the disorder and feels he could treat a lot of its sufferers.

****************************************************

Ramaswamy Interview Gets Awkward In A Hurry As He Repeatedly Ducks Trump Question

We have a question for you from Mister Trump. He asks: How many toes do you have, Mister Ramaswamy?

****************************************************

Ron DeSantis Spots Room For ‘Pardons And Commutations’ Among Sentenced Proud Boys

Sez he intends to commit some of their same crimes if he's elected president and would like to think that other GOPeer after him will pardon him too down the line. [Now you understand the GOP.]

****************************************************

No, bad tourist, you can’t touch the hot springs at Yellowstone

"Can I at least take a dip in the volcano?"

****************************************************

The Fight for Your Kids’ Brains Has Already Begun

Ha! Good luck with that: My kids ain't got no brains.

****************************************************

Ukraine: At least 17 dead in missile attack on market

One wonders what Putin is trying to achieve by butchering innocent children, women and old people like that in front of the whole world. Hatred and contempt for Russia is increasing in every corner of humanity, especially among the Ukrainians. In the end, Russia must retreat from Ukraine because it is not within the realm of reason that the Ukrainians will ever cease trying to regain their country from the invading Russians. So what possible reason could be rattling around in Putin's empty brain for continuing his pointless war of utter ruin and mass murder?

****************************************************

FECES FIASCO FOOTAGE: Video Shows Aftermath Of Delta Diarrhea Disaster

I sure hope it's that they junked that particular air-o-plane.

****************************************************

Who is escaped murderer Danelo Cavalcante?

The one thing they know for sure is that he is of very short statute and therefore might be masquerading as a very hairy local child.

****************************************************

Baffling: Tuberville Rails Against ‘Poems On Aircraft Carriers’

Especially limericks that explain how his family got its name.

****************************************************

The new U.S. announcement of $1 billion in aid for Ukraine, made by Secretary of State Antony J. Blinken in Kyiv on Wednesday, comes as polls have detected growing weariness over the war among an American public focused on problems at home, as well as mounting criticism from Republicans of what some have called “blank check” spending related to the war.

This is the classic case of being penny-wise but pound-foolish: Every billion that America spends helping Ukraine spares the U.S. trillions that it would have to spend in the future against unchastened Russian aggression everywhere else on earth.

****************************************************

Eau de eternity: Scientists re-create the scent of ancient mummies

Or, you could just have your grandmother exhumed.

****************************************************

Shakespeare’s ‘Sublimely, Disturbingly Smutty Effect’ Must Endure

Shakespeare's approach was valid for his time because it perfectly reflected the nature of the people among whom he lived. The interesting question is whether, as people change, that approach is valid anymore. [Or, is it that we are forever smutty?]

****************************************************

Everyone is ‘setting boundaries.’ Do they even know what it means?

Of course! When you 'set a boundary' it usually means that no one may violate it and that you, however, are always free to go in & out of it as you very well damn please. It's also called human nature (which, of course, hath been with us since we were tree monkeys, some years back).

****************************************************

If you were a big baby, your babies are likelier to be big, too

This is so true: I'm a big baby myself, and not only is everybody in my family also a big baby but they all, every last one of'em let me know (during one of our many big baby family brawls) that they all, every last one of'em very much intents to remain a big baby for as long as they live!

****************************************************

Why furniture got so bad

People started taking a load off (on it).

****************************************************

A yoga class in corpse pose was mistaken for a ‘ritual mass killing’

Next time please put up a sign or something.

****************************************************

Uri Geller unveils photo of naked alien

I'd never heard of naked alien porn before, but I wouldn't put any perversion past people, no matter now far-out, knowing people of this planet as I do.

****************************************************

Public restrooms are hard to find in America. That’s a problem.

What? Are there no bushes left In America at all? Are there no walls against which to bounce off relief? Have our parks run out of conveniently-sized pedestals? Are there no kiddie swings strangers passing by might spot from a distance only some old guy trying to re-live his childhood? Are there no subways packed so tightly that no one notices but just only a scent of what is being left behind? Are there no kind neighbors with a bathroom that has an outside window large enough for you to jump out of it if, by some cruel stroke of luck, your cup runneth over?

****************************************************

Florida Man Rescued AGAIN While Attempting To Cross Atlantic In Floating Hamster Wheel

Hamster reveals he was the one who called 911 AGAIN.

****************************************************

Miss Manners: Should I trick my friends into swimming with sharks?

How bored are you?

****************************************************

1,000-year-old mummy with long brown hair unearthed in Peru

According to her inscription her name was Jeanie.

****************************************************

Georgia prosecutor accuses Jim Jordan of trying to ‘obstruct’ Trump case

If Jim Jordan doesn't go to prison for that, don't worry: I'm sure he'll commit other offences that will put him there eventually: These criminal-types are incorrigible serial offenders every one.

****************************************************

The political perils of using the 14th Amendment on Trump -- Just as failing to prosecute Trump raises the risk of emboldening others who might flout the law, failing to apply this constitutional standard to him — if it’s warranted — will have an impact.

Even if Trump is acquitted, the merits of prosecuting him are critically justified; and not just morally and/or for the ennobling effects it would have on upholding the legitimacy of the law, of fairness, and of justice: The American people witnessed with their own eyes his two impeachment acquittals by a partisan Senate jury, and they walked away from it knowing that Donald Trump was absolutely guilty as charged and spared only by a blatantly partial jury nullification.

Had Trump been found guilty, the penalty for him personally would not have been all that worse: As time passes, Trump's tarnished image will wither and decompose until it comes to the sad state of ruin in which it certainly forever deserves to remain.

Just as O.J. Simpson was found not guilty by a jury that chose to ignore the evidence but was still fully exposed to the entire country that witnessed the evidence against him for itself as guilty for his crimes, even if Donald Trump is similarly found not guilty by a blatant jury nullification in every single one of his trials, all of the evidence of his many crimes will be exposed before history and the people of the United States of America. Such a triumphant outcome would fully merit and perfectly justify all of the cost and effort which must go into upholding the law regardless of whatever unsought consequence or outcome.

****************************************************

Queen’s Brian May Warns About ‘Massively Scary’ Potential Of Artificial Intelligence

If we were smarter we wouldn't have to be so worried about Artificial Intelligence.

****************************************************

Are There Any Benefits to Tongue Scraping?

Sure: For the sellers of tongue scrapers.

****************************************************

Man Who Collected Body Parts Pleads Guilty In Harvard Morgue Scandal

But still insists that his was a very tastefully displayed collection.

****************************************************

What Is Fetal Surgery? Kourtney Kardashian’s Recent Procedure Explained

When a hillbilly doesn't make it out of the operating tent.

****************************************************

Delta Airlines Lost A Passenger’s Dog. She Was Finally Found 3 Weeks Later.

Dog tried to hitchhike its way home but had only made it half way across the airport.

****************************************************

Miss Manners: No one tells me when bad things happen

I owe you one.

****************************************************

Va. Democratic House candidate performed sex acts online for tips

Finally a politician who isn't embarrassed to admit what a politician really is.

****************************************************

Walt Disney World Closes Rides After Black Bear Spotted Near Big Thunder Railroad

Man, and I was just about to go over and have my photo taken with that bear.

****************************************************

Migrants burst into southern Mexico asylum office demanding papers

Claim that toilets in the town have compleltely run out of them.

****************************************************

People Are In Disbelief After This Woman Found A $6,000 Wedding Dress For $25 At Goodwill

That dress would have gone well with by $14,000 shoes: They not only warn you if you're going to step on a nail but tell you exactly in which direction to go so you never get lost.

****************************************************

Trump Says He ‘Took A Lot Of Time’ On The Letter He Left Biden In The White House

Trump sez that it took him over four hours to fold it properly and slip it into the envelope, and that some doctor or other told him that this showed he is extremely mentally competent to serve another term as president. Hey, Trump got it right.

****************************************************

The Ingredient Your Salads Are Missing

"Sorry. We were so consumed with adding all the right and proper supplements, additives, preservatives, and vitamins, that we forgot to add any salad."

****************************************************

Judge rejects Google claim that DOJ’s Jonathan Kanter is improperly biased

So his decision then is that he is properly biased?

****************************************************

Miss Manners: Guests brought their own drinks, just for them, to dinner

Well, how much are you charging your dinner guests for their drinks, for Heaven's Sakes!?

****************************************************

I Drink Alcohol Regularly. What Can I Do to Mitigate the Risks?

Swallow a lot of cotton.

****************************************************

The More They Lock Us Up, the Stronger We Become

Of course: About the only thing they let you do all day in prison is weigh-lifting.

****************************************************

I Finally Learned How to Draw. Here’s How.

Pass: Who wants a bunch of gunslingers gunning for you?

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: Surprise! Friend shows up with a dog the recipient doesn’t want.

He gives you a dog, give him an elephant. That'll fix him. I usually keep a few elephants in my backyard just for people like that.

****************************************************

UK and Irish nationals ill after Bordeaux sardines -- Multiple people need hospital treatment after contracting botulism at a restaurant in the city.

Restaurant sez their menu clearly states that sardines without botulism are a special order. They should learn French before ordering.

****************************************************

Trump embraces Putin’s sympathetic comments to claim political persecution

I'm telling ya: Trump is trying to make a case for political asylum in Russia. See if I'm not right.

****************************************************

AI is ‘one of the hardest things’ facing Congress, Schumer says

Sez that Congress is more at home dealing with good ole natural all-around universal common human stupidity. [sic.]

****************************************************

DeSantis discourages latest covid boosters, contradicting federal guidance

Look, Floridians elected DeSantis: If they want to die unnecessarily by the thousands from stupidity and ignorance, who are we to deny them? Florida is an overpopulated state anyway.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: Wife hates his scratchy beard. He’s starting to hate her negativity.

We are so lucky: When we were monkeys and living in the trees we knew nothing about hate and just threw feces at each other when bored. I, for one, think that we are extremely lucky to have evolved from that mind-numbing boredom to our stimulating human & inhuman hate!

****************************************************

Did you know: Coca cola can be used to clean the toilet?

And it does double duty if you first drink it before then using it to clean your toilet.

****************************************************

Vote AI: Artificial intelligence should rule the country - opinion

Absolutely: Unike chicken-shit us, AI has no fear of death, so if it feels that it has to nuke another nuclear power it will not shake in its boots but just go ahead and get it over & done with.

****************************************************

GOP lawyer with ties to three Trump rivals enters 14th Amendment fray -- At issue is a line in the 14th Amendment, ratified three years after the Civil War, to block from office any public official who had “engaged in insurrection or rebellion” — intended to prevent traitorous former Confederates from regaining power.

This 'intention" is trying to read the minds of the 14th Amendment writers, and it could really be twisted into a thousand different meanings, some of them even self-contradicting, by a thousand different deviners: The best solution is always to simply follow the letter of the law (the explicit text of the Constitution) and not, like some historical mind-readers, to try to devine what was in its authors' brains when they were writing it. If the authors of the 14th Amendments had meant the clause to apply only to Confederates they would have so written that clause.

GOP lawyer with ties to three Trump rivals enters 14th Amendment fray -- Some critics have other objections to the 14th Amendment’s use in Trump’s case: that it was enacted specifically to address Confederate traitors, that only Congress can invoke the amendment’s provisions and that a president is not a “federal officer.”

Well, I gotta give them that last one: No one is ever going to accuse Trump of working 'for' the federal government or the American people: Trump always & only works for himself alone. Albeit it is true the 14th Amendment doesn't keep such 'traitors' off the ballot, it only prohibits them from serving (keeping people off the ballot is a politico-legal procedure in the hands of secretaries of state who write people in their states' ballots and of judges who rule on challenges to their decisions on those matters).

Interestingly, chances are that Democrats would prefer to run against GOP candidates who are already disqualified from serving if they win, I'll betcha. Things like this are not unprecedented, of course (and have already happened many times before), where Democrats have worked to keep Trump radicals on the ballot over more widely accepted GOP opponents--Wouldn't you rather run against a convicted felon and rapist? Therefore the fact that the Supreme Court is packed with Republicans may not necessarily work in Trump's favor if it goes to them: Politics does make for strange bedfellows!

****************************************************

Washington is full of rats. These dogs are happy to help with that.

Well, maybe now that they're joining the Republican Party the dogs will be able to hound Trump and his looneys out of the GOP.

****************************************************

Kevin McCarthy Calls For Impeachment Inquiry Against Joe Biden

Sez he knows of at least two instances in which Biden used foul language. That's all he knows. And, like Trump, Biden doubled down on confessing even more of his crimes: "Hell, I've used foul language many more times than just twice," Biden boasted.

****************************************************

No, I Don’t Want to Go for a Walk With You

Okay, but don't start crapping all over the house like last time!

****************************************************

Michigan State’s Football Coach Has Nobody to Blame but Himself

Thankfully for Donald Trump, he likes to keep a lot of patsies around.

****************************************************

Trump hits new poll highs with Black, Hispanic voters. What to make of it?

All nations and empires are for a time only. Thereafter their citizens will vote for dissolution by blindly following someone who promises to dissolve a state they've grown bored with. It was Julius Caesar in the Roman Republic the populace followed. It may be Donald Trump for the Americans. Most people don't appreciate a good thing when they see it, and are always looking for something better than just the good life--That's where the flim-flam man comes in to make his money.

****************************************************

Prince William Just Did The 1 Thing Most New Yorkers Would Never Do

Be polite in public. Yes, I've never seen anybody in New York do that.

****************************************************

Her students reported her for a lesson on race. Can she trust them again?

This teacher has just been given an opportunity for a wonderful teaching moment: Take advantage of it!

****************************************************

A stealth F-35 fighter jet went down in S.C. It was located about 24 hours later.

Guess it was stealthy after all.

****************************************************

Miss Manners: Woman was offended by my grocery store question

"Excuse me, how much of that dog food do you eat at a time?"

****************************************************

Trudeau says ‘credible allegations’ tie India to murder in Canada

And now you know why India admires Russia so much.

****************************************************

Ex-White House Aide Reveals Why Trump Wouldn’t Wear A Mask During Pandemic

During the pandemic Trump killed so many of his Republican sycophants that to this day Democrats are still winning races they shouldn't have won all over the country.

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Armless Man’s Major Feat Is Throwing First Pitch At Yankee Stadium

Some Republicans present objected to his windup (which he called The 3 Balls Special). Said he seemed to be enjoying it too much.

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Sorry, But You Might Be Tipping All Wrong

You're supposed to tip the waiters, not your hat.

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Trump Demands House GOP ‘Defund’ Criminal Cases Against Him Amid Shutdown Threat

His ignorance aside, this is a man who might once again become overlord of the nation's legal establishment: What law might he not then subvert or violate in pursuit of his own self-interests, I wonder! [And you don't want to know.]

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A reader asks the Ethicist columnist: Should I tell my ex-husband’s fiancée that he cheated on me?

Well, first ask her if she was the one he cheated on you with. That way all the ethical T's & i's will be crossed & dotted and out of the way if you decide to tell her.

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Rudy Giuliani’s former lawyer sues him for $1.36M over alleged unpaid fees

He then offered to represent Rudy in the matter. And: "I only get paid if we win the case."

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Flight takes off with 111 passengers, leaves luggage behind

"Oh? I'm sorry, you guys wanted to take your luggage too?"

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Things both my toddler and Elon Musk do that are signs of genius, apparently

They both play with their feces. I know. I know.

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Russia criticizes delivery of U.S.-made M1 Abrams tanks to Ukraine

Really? Russia? One would have thought they'd be pleased.

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Trump Said He Wanted To Buy A Handgun, But Surprise! He’s Banned.

The felon sez that he needs a gun when he goes to prison because there are a lot of really bad hombres in there, dude. [Yes, we know. That's why that's where Donald Trump belongs, dude.]

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Tucker Carlson finds a new booster: Russian TV

Unmasked at last. [I'm sorry, was the anti-American pro-Russia faction of the Republican Party ever wearing a mask? I don't think so!]

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TRUMP RAGES: Critical News Media Will ‘Pay A Big Price’ If He’s Reelected

The GOP Presidential campaign will be: "Elect Donald Trump and enjoy childish acts of utterly pointless revenge more vicious than anyone has ever seen before!" [It's a winner.]

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Mammals’ Time on Earth Is Half Over, Scientists Predict -- A new model suggests that in 250 million years, all land will collide into a supercontinent that boosts warming and pushes mammals to extinction.

I wonder who will win the Super Bowl then.

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Ask Amy: I had to cut off my mom. How do I deal with the guilt?

The evil that we do to others is a cancer that forever gnaws at our hearts. The evil that is done to us is always just a passing migraine: For your own sake you had better forgive your mother, no matter what she did to you.

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The Founders were wrong to grant Supreme Court justices life tenure

Now you tell us! Only kings are granted life tenure; or, so that's why Supreme Court justices like to behave like they're kings.

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Hillary Clinton: Putin ‘Hates Democracy’ And Will Interfere In U.S. Elections Again

So Putin will be pushing Donald Trump once again then.

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Why doesn’t my doctor believe I’m in pain?

Because you're telling him you're in pain. What you have to do is go into his office and let out an ear-piercing scream: That he'll believe.

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What Thoreau Heard in the Song of the Crickets

By his psychoanalyst.

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Cuba is considering letting Cuban Americans own private businesses on the island

Until it decides to confiscate it. Yes. Some people live by the law, and others live under lawless men (as people do in Cuba).

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Donald Trump Is Not of Two Minds About Abortion

He just has a forked tongue. [And only half a mind, if at that.]

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A $4 Thrift Store Find Sells for $191,000 at Auction

Really? I recently bought some used underwear at a thrift store. Wonder what that's worth?

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Work Advice: I’m afraid seeking a mentor will expose my lack of skills

After all, a brain surgeon needs his patients to know that he can pop that baby out and pop it back in again no sweat.

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Two Ford’s Theatre tickets for night of Lincoln murder to be auctioned

Lincoln sez that he and his wife are willing to give up their seats to anybody who can whistle Dixie.

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DeSantis Says Humanity ‘Safer Than Ever’ From Climate Change… Weeks After Major Hurricane

Sez that what he means is that there's no chance in Hell that he'll ever be elected president.

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Olivia Rodrigo Names The 1 Animal She Fears More Than ‘Aliens And S**t’

I don't fear any animal as much as I fear s**t. Unless it's an animal covered in s**t, of course. [I can't speak about alien s**t, of course, because I've never had a whiff of it.]

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Giuliani Addresses Jan. 6 Groping Allegation From Former White House Aide

"That was not me, that was my hands."

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North Korea Says It Will Expel U.S. Soldier Who Fled Over the Border

Sez it can't afford to feed him anymore.

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Travis Kelce is ‘on the roller coaster of life,’ thanks to Taylor Swift

Well, I'm not a Kansas City Chiefs fan so I hope she gets him to throw up on that roller coaster ride.

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N.Y. judge finds Donald Trump committed business fraud for a decade

Only for a decade!? Must be a MAGA judge.

Where are the Republicans calling for Trump to go hide back under his rock?

Dam Breaks For Bob Menendez: Senate Democrats Pile On In Calls For Resignation

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In Izium, in eastern Ukraine, the buildings are in ruins and services are spotty. Barely recovered, its residents worry that more mayhem may lie ahead.

How was Putin and his KGB Mafia able to turn Russians into such inhuman monsters so quickly? Let there remain no one doubting the dark effects of Russia's long deplorable undemocratic history on its people.

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NASA astronaut lands after breaking U.S. record for longest continuous spaceflight

His intestines will be landing next week.

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Smithsonian to get some of the asteroid sample that NASA brought back

Oh! Oh! Can I have some of it?!

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Man strips naked in Ben-Gurion airport and attacks passengers

"Bad enough he attacked us, but did he also have to take his clothes off?! It was more than one could bear!"

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Some Attendees At Trump’s Autoworkers Speech Were Total Frauds: Report

Yes: Trump's people.

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She challenges one school book a week. She says she’ll never stop.

Sez she used to collect Chicklets but they don't make them anymore, so now this is all she has to live for.

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Backlash over Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce illustrates the tightrope many famous women walk

Taylor Swift sez "Shut up!" Or she'll sic her new boyfriend on you.

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Inviting Abraham to our table - opinion

Tell Abe to bathe first. You might have to play a recorded message through you HiFi: "Abraham! This is God. Go take a bath! You've been out in the Sun too long."

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Miss Manners: My sister pulled out a calculator when we split the check

The fact that she had the calculator ready means that it's a case of cheapness in the first degree.

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Drive-through worker draws gun on 'missing fries' customer

"That's alright, bubby! I needed to cut down on my corbohydrates anyway. No fries needed!"

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Mark Milley Taking ‘Safety Precautions’ After Trump Suggested He Deserves Execution

I suppose Trump doesn't really have to stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody; he can just call for somebody to be [conveniently] shot there.

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Five years after the Khashoggi murder: No justice, no closure

Tell that to the 9/11 victims going on 20+ years.

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Dog blamed for denying Kenyan marathon victory

Dog sez he was just shouting encouragements to the guy and was obviously misunderstood.

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Some Jerk Just Chopped Down One Of The World’s Most Iconic Trees

Kid sez somebody was eventually gonna do it so what's the harm of it being him.

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Biden Administration Unveils Long-Awaited Offshore Drilling Plan

Biden's dentist agreed to drill him out there because he screams to damn loud.

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Disney World Will Give Workers Stipend After Taking Away Their 1 Biggest Perk

Of course, they'll still miss not being able to have their pictures taken with Goofy.

****************************************************

What Kind of Person Has a Closet Full of Nazi Memorabilia?

A closet Nazi?

****************************************************

Biden delivers unusually sharp rebuke of Trump on democracy

The Republican repugnants are trying to get Biden arrested and THEN try to find if there's any evidence that he committed any crimes! What kind of low-life vermin are these, for Heaven's Sakes?! How did they escape instruction in our American schools on decency, honesty, respect for the humanity of not just themselves, about the crucial importance of democracy (which is the sacred compact of the people to guarantee everybody's equality), about the sanctity of the law (which is our always flawed but noble precious human attempt to fight against those who would subvert justice, fairness), about principled behavior, about moral respect and love for our eternally imperiled but indispensable shared human rights?!

Today's Republicans only seem to be in it for whatever they can get for themselves, at the expense of anyone and everyone who gets in their way. And the most puzzling thing of all is the staggering number of ordinary citizens who support such suicidal behavior: How on earth do they not realize that it is their very families these predators without any conscience are coming for? Didn't their parents ever explain to them that the greatest evil of all is often done in the name of the general good?! And that this is why understanding the evil being done now is always much more important than putting one's faith on any good that it promises to eventually bring about.

I remember looking at John McCain on the day he returned from imprisonment in Vietnam, and wondering whether this would be a man filled with hate and resentment because of everything he had suffered there. Instead, John McCain became a man much more patriotic stateside than he had ever been while imprisoned in Vietnam; a man filled with love for his fellow citizens and for his country. No wonder a vile creep like Donald Trump hates him.

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One of Europe’s Most Endangered Birds Is Bouncing Back

The Rubber Duckie? I loved mine when I was a kid.

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Bill Belichick Is a Legendary N.F.L. Coach, but This Is a Disaster

Maybe he's just a mediocre football coach who happened to have stumbled on Tom Brady.

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A Director Asks: What Makes Us Human?

I'm pretty sure it was Chicklets, because we seem to have lost all our humanity since they stopped making them.

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One Reason the Trump Fever Won’t Break

Trump's waiting for Fani Willis to take his rectal temperature.

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Nikki Haley Says Trump’s Campaign Sent Her A Birdcage

Trump's too cheap to buy the canary?

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The Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards Names 2 Music Genres He Can’t Stand

1) anything with melody or harmony
2) anything that isn't as loud as a Boeing 707 taking off in your bedroom (because all that loud R&R's made him stone deaf)

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Good riddance to the National Zoo’s pandas? No way.

One of'em borrowed $15 bucks from me last week!

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Maybe in Your Lifetime, People Will Live on the Moon and Then Mars

I know a lot of people are living up in the clouds right now.

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Trump’s Civil Trial Starts Monday. It Will Spotlight What He’s Really Worth.

Well, for his sake, let's hope it's not his value as a human being. Because Trump is one of those people who's worth less than whatever he's carrying around in his pockets.

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Israel's chief rabbi: Secular Jews have lower intelligence, are jealous of haredim

Yeah, guys who spend their whole lives rocking without a rocking chair are way smarter than Einstein and all the other secular Jews who have enlightened human history and helped bring the Western World to the brink of finally understnading the universe & reality itself.

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Motorist fined after dog seen behind wheel of car

Dog sez he tried to keep his head down as his master instructed him to do while driving the car but that he just couldn't keep himself from hanging his tongue out the window for the sheer fun of it.

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What a chicken-size bird can tell us about a shrinking prairie

Well, if it's in an old Disney movie then that bird can't talk no more: That chicken's been gagged.

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Trump Calls For People To Be ‘Shot’ If They Rob Stores In Terrifying Remarks

Later he said that we should also bury mines under handicapped parking spaces so any non-handicapped person that tries to park there can be blown to smithereens.

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Why do runway models always look so grumpy?

You'd look grumpy too if you were forced to show off to the whole world just how little you eat.

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Why MAGA Wants to Betray Ukraine

Why do some people give themselves to the Devil?

Opposition to Ukraine Aid Becomes a Litmus Test for the Right

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Donald Trump wanted $5 billion from Bankman-Fried not to run for US president

Trump sez he could make much more than that from being president a second time.

[But if there's one thing we can all take away from that staggering figure it is how big a threat to democracy Donald Trump himself acknowledges that he is. In other words, what Donald Trump himself knows is the value to his fellow Americans of his refraining from doing his worst.]

John Kelly’s full-throated confirmation of Trump’s ugliest comments, parsed -- “What can I add that has not already been said?” Kelly said, calling Trump a “person that thinks those who defend their country in uniform, or are shot down or seriously wounded in combat, or spend years being tortured as POWs are all ‘suckers’ because ‘there is nothing in it for them.’”

John Kelly is a man who heard Trump "saying something similar to the latter while standing next to the grave of Kelly’s own son, who was killed in Afghanistan." Had I been in John Kelly's place at that moment I just don't know what might have kept me from putting a bullet through Trump's brain right there & then. But John Kelly said nothing to his Boss; and even defended him afterwards, repeatedly lying that it never happened. You can say all you want about the corrosive effects of working for Donald Trump. But, what sort of man is John Kelly? I think this says it all. John Kelly well knew who Donald Trump was before he went to work for him. If Trump hadn't fired him he'd probably still be working for him.

If there's one thing Donald Trump knows it is that if he surrounds himself with men of honor he's never going to get done the dishonorable things he wants done.

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A son reported his dad for Jan 6. Can the family heal?

I see that someone is bring up a law-abiding man in a household where the head of the family is a notorious scoff-law.

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Miss Manners: How to appear concerned but not nosy

Pull your Covic mask up your nose closer to your eyes & squint.

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How red-state politics are shaving years off American lives -- Her husband doesn’t even smoke, Hill said, but “he doesn’t want the government to tell him what to do.”

I am always so perversely entertained by people who advocate for this sort of insane (in fact, suicidal) personal freedom: It pits the entire history of civilization's struggle to improve mankind against the intrinsic ancestral primitive ignorance all humans are born with: Man is born horrifically (in fact, absolutely) ignorant, and must undergo painfully long years of mostly unwanted, reluctant, and thankless education by societies which cannot survive if they allow him the freedom to exercise his innate ignorance unchecked.

Apparently it is the superstition of many of those who seem to manage (in spite of all our best efforts) to escape a sound education that amongst the many "certain unalienable rights" they were endowed with by their Creator was whatever horrific and total ignorance they were born with--the full exercise of which, obviously, would make human civilization null & void. Thankfully, (most of our) mothers have always known better; while a few have not:

So I suppose it is inevitable that we see these self-inflicted stupidities mostly in Republican controlled areas, where (themselves improperly educated) parents are more likely to exercise their power to mandate what their children should be taught [know-nothings trying to keep their kids from learning more than they know] instead of leaving their education to professional educators properly trained to bring the coming generation up to the highest levels of current human knowledge.

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Why is protecting institutions largely the Democrats’ responsibility?

Because bringing down civilization is a project that the Republicans seem to have made all their own.

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Trump seeks dismissal of D.C. election case, saying he’s immune to prosecution

Sez that as long as he's wearing the ruby slippers he is Donald Duck and everything slides right off his back.

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Is coffee facing extinction?

Don't worry: We will always have ice cream!

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Here’s why you should eat your vegetables first

Because that way you'll be able to follow it up with a slab of red meat to get their taste out your mouth.

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Ain’t no rule saying a dog can’t be speaker of the House

The problem is finding a dog mangy enough to want to be speaker of the House, of course.

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Trump Shows Love To ‘Hannibal Lecter’ In Killer Blunder At Iowa Rally

In Trump's defense: I think Hannibal Lecter was the only monster out there that Trump hadn't praised yet.

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One Million Years Ago, Our Human Relatives May Have Challenged Giant Hyenas for Carcasses

"Madam, I challenge you for this carcass!"

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What Is a Statue of Columbus Doing in Puerto Rico?

Not much. (It's just standing there.)

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Climate change is driving many amphibians toward extinction

Good! They're eating up all our flies and mosquitos. Those insects are the only thing that drives my neighbor indoors--Otherwise he'll spend all his time outside playing loud music and smoking up his BBQ till my eyes burn red!

"Hey, SD! You wanna come over for a dog?"

"I would, but I can't find my way out there through all that smoke!"

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Giraffe Feces Seized By Customs Officials At Minnesota Airport

"What is this shit?"

****************************************************

New York City rat takes road trip to wedding

So Mikey Mouse finally proposed, eh!

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Ed Sheeran Explains Why He Had His Own Grave Dug On His Property

Sez he doesn't trust some clumsy oafs to lug him an uncomfortably long bumpy haul after he dies.

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Mike Lindell's Lawyers Want To Drop Him As Client For Not Paying Legal Fees

Lindell sez he's selling pillows as fast as he can, but that now he's the only one selling them! [Worse, he's been exposed as almost as big a liar as Trump, so it's very hard to get people to believe his pillows are any good now.]

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Trump Endorses Jim Jordan For House Speaker

Trump sez he's sure that Jim Jordan is the most dangerous choice for the country; and that he's certain Jim Jordan will do the most damage to the most Americans of anyone he can think of (outside himself).

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Numbers Alone Should Not Dictate Baseball Games

If a club is staffed with too many homely players the opposing club should be awarded one run.

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Floorboards (Possibly) Trodden by Shakespeare Are Found in England

Fellows who found them say they will use them as talismans to cure Brits that suffer from Cockneyism--see if a good stiff hit in the back of the head might do it.

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Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to Run as Independent, Leaving Democratic Primary

One fewer nutcase in the Democratic Party? That can't be all bad.

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Miss Manners: Stepson always takes last-minute guests to family events

That's good: That means you can always plan for extra guests and no food will ever go to waste.

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The unseen sexuality of seniors: ‘It’s not over until it’s over’

"Hello! Grandpa! You guys have been in there for a week now! You sure you don't wanna come out & maybe eat something?!"

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The new ‘Frasier’ struggles to find a new story

Why don't they have an episode in which Frasier gets upset by something?

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Miss Manners: When an uninvited guest joins and monopolizes the conversation

Are you talking about my dog Pedro? Because he does that all the time. Sometimes I send him on an errand to the grocery store; but if it's raining then there's no getting rid of him.

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Trump Is Said to Have Revealed Nuclear Submarine Secrets -- Soon after leaving office, former President Trump is said to have shared information with an Australian businessman, a billionaire Mar-a-Lago member.

You know, there is no need whatsoever for Trump to have shared these national secrets with anybody: You wouldn't have done it; I wouldn't have done it; and I doubt very many Americans would have done it even for money--Trump did it just to make himself important in the eyes of some cardboard maker from Australia! [He also revealed national secrets to Russian diplomats in the Oval Office for the same reason.]

Donald Trump is absolutely the last person on this earth to trust with ANY secret whatever, and here he was elected President of the United States and given unchecked access to every one of America's most important secrets, from the least to the most important! If it weren't because it really happened it would be impossible for any normal person to believe it could happen.

Trump Told Australian Billionaire Nuclear Sub Secrets, Who Then Told 45 Others: Reports

Well, I sure hope that those 45 people are not the blabbermouths Trump and his billionaire pal obviously are. [People want to share with others the best stories they have, as nobody wants to be the guy who tells all those boring stories. So if you don't want Trump to blab make sure that he has nothing interesting to pass on, because if he has he will. Trump lives to try to impress others with what a big man he is because in his heart he know that he's really a very small man.]

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The Swedes know the secret to happiness: You are not your stuff

IRS told me the same thing before they took it all away. It didn't make me happy, though.

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Should I bake pies in glass or metal pans?

Neither: Always bake pies in an oven.

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A 104-year-old went viral for skydiving. She died a week later.

Well, at that age it probably takes a long time to hit the ground.

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New George Santos Charges Claim He Stole Donor IDs, Charged Their Credit Cards

George Santos apologized today for not committing more, worse, and different types of crimes, but he sez: "He's not Donald Trump, for Heaven's Sakes!" He can only do so much.

The good news is that it is the credit cards of people who supported him, so those people ain't gonna heve the cash to support more people like George Santos (and Donald Trump).

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Ask Elaine: Am I ‘crazy’ for supporting my partner through law school?

No: Eventually his new (younger) wife (and his parents) will be eternally grateful to you.

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Gene editing can make chickens resistant to bird flu

And that means that they won't have to wear their little masks when they step outside the coop.

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Flock of seagulls closes Venice airport

Italian officials say that even seating two or three on a seat it's still going to take a while to fly all of them where they want to go.

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Man, 76, admits stealing Wizard of Oz ruby slippers

Police sez he refuses to explain why they were looking so worn-out after he returned them.
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Ask Amy: My biological dad is also the father of a ‘very famous entertainer’

If it's Al Jolson then you're a lot older than you look. Congrats!

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Why TikTok videos on the Israel-Hamas war have drawn billions of views

I believe that the reason (why) people rush to see a car crash has already been answered.

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The lesson from the Hamas attack: The U.S. should recognize a Palestinian state

Yes, of course, what Israel needs is a SuperGaza ten or twenty times more militarily capable than Gaza. Why didn't the Israelis think of that!

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Hamas and ISIS: Breaking down the comparison - analysis

ISIS destroyed itself by its proven inability to live alongside human civilization. And likewise Hamas and Islamic Jihad have also more than amply proven that they too are incompatible with civilized society. The quicker and sooner they are eradicated from this earth the better it will be for everyone in the world.

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Unprecedented Israeli bombardment lays waste to upscale Rimal, the beating heart of Gaza City -- “Our money is gone," said Issa Abu Salim, 60, seething as he stood amid the debris of his home, his clothes filthy with the dust of the destruction. "My identity cards are lost. The entire house, all four floors, is lost,” he said. “The most beautiful area, they destroyed it.”

Don't fret, Issa. Invariably, the Europeans and Americans will eventually rebuild all your buildings. But who will bring back the murdered children of Israel?"

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Palestinian Americans, dismayed by the violence, said that historical context was being overlooked.

'historical context' translation: 'justification for the butchery'

I'm sure there has always been plenty of 'justification' for every crime that has ever been committed in the world, from the smallest to the biggest: That's why we have crime. But there is also 'a force for good' that we exert to stop crime: Predictably, criminals will always seek to use some form or other of 'historical context' to weaken or disable that 'force for good' which fights crime--and we must always keep that in mind, so that crime never succeeds.

If you want justifications for Hamas mass murder you can always turn to the BBC, of course:

Israel Gaza war: History of the conflict explained

John Simpson: Why BBC doesn't say Hamas militants are 'terrorists'

Because the Hamas 'militants' haven't butchered any English villages wholesale yet, I imagine.

UK legal experts criticize BBC's Hamas coverage

It's simply not the BBC's job to tell people who to support and who to condemn, writes the BBC's World Affairs editor.

Of course, there have been plenty of instances where the BBC reported on 'inhuman atrocities' against the Palestinians: I guess that's their exception.

The US supports Israel because of ‘Jewish wealth’, claims BBC presenter

President Herzog blasts BBC's biased reporting on Israel-Hamas war

BBC official told staff to accuse Israel of 'ethnic cleansing' - leaked email

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Israel allegedly strikes two airports in Syria, air defenses activated

Israel sends soldiers to north fearing attack from Hezbollah in Lebanon

Will Hezbollah attack in the North? If I had to guess I would say that yes they will. Hezbollah will probably wait until the ground invasion of Gaza is well underway and then make the calculus that the Israeli Army will be severely understaffed in the North and that therefore Lebanon can rest assured that it will not be invaded--their main attack will be rockets, of course. Hopefully the Israeli intelligence services will be able to foresee this, unlike their Gaza debacle. But, we'll see.

Israeli gov't responsible for Hamas massacre, Netanyahu must resign - poll

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Hamas vows to broadcast hostage executions. Tech firms can’t stop them.

ISIS did this and it taught the world the urgency with which it needed to fight and to destroy ISIS. I cannot imagine that it would be different with Hamas now.

Gambling on a ‘pragmatic’ Hamas was a deadly mistake, analysts say

I don't quite understand how anyone could possibly make such a 'gamble' since Islamic cults like Hamas always tell you exactly what they are all about and exactly what they are planning to do. It is being taught to their children in schools under their control right now--go read all the texts of the Palestinian schools for yourself! You cannot tell me that children who have been brought up this morally bankrupt are suddenly going to turn into normal civilized human beings the instant they graduate into adulthood.

Israel's Netanyahu says soldiers were beheaded, women 'raped and slaughtered,' in Hamas attack

Yes, that is what the Koran advocates for non-Muslims, especially Jews. The world's surprise surprises me.

Bombarded by Israeli airstrikes, conditions in Gaza grow more dire as power goes out -- Meanwhile in Israel, inside some of the houses, soldiers found bodies of entire families, Israeli Maj. Gen. Itai Veruv told ABC News during a ghastly tour of the shattered community on Tuesday. "You see the babies, the mothers, the fathers in the bedrooms, in the protection rooms and how the terrorists killed them," Veruv said. "It's not a war, it's not a battlefield. It's a massacre. Describing the gruesome discoveries soldiers made in the houses, Veruv said, "They burned the apartments, then they shoot the babies, they cut their heads..."

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As Israeli military retaliates, Palestinians say civilians are paying the price in strikes on Gaza

What More Must the Children of Gaza Suffer?

The Gazans abrogated their responsibility to remove Hamas: People are naturally lazy, they don't want to be the ones to have to do a dirty job--people always prefer to have somebody else do it for them, anybody but them if at all possible: It was not principally the responsibility of the Israelis to remove Hamas--Only when the population of Gaza would not do it themselves did the responsibility then fall to the Israelis. Now the Israelis are reluctantly, sadly, painfully, at great cost to themselves, carrying out that unsought duty which the Gazans passed on to them. Therefore all that is happening in Gaza is primarily, even ultimately exclusively, the responsibility of the Palestinian population of Gaza. No matter how difficult and costly it might have been for the population of Gaza to remove Hamas it would have surely unquestionably been a lot easier on them than leaving it up to the Israelis; but that was a choice the population of Gaza made and that is a choice they must now suffer.

I personally doubt the two-state solution is viable anymore (if it ever was). The solution to the 'Palestinian problem' is for Jordan to take back sovereignty over the Palestinians and for either Jordan or Egypt to take over Gaza, perhaps. Otherwise Israel will probably have to level Gaza City and move its entire population single file out of it (so they can be individually searched for weapons) and then marched into UN refugee camps as far away as possible from the Egyptian border (where they can no longer smuggle in weapons). Israeli engineers can then flood the 'infinite' Hamas tunnels under Gaza City with the Mediterranean and build an Israeli city where Gaza City stands today to ensure that, isolated from the Sinai, Gazans will never again pose a threat to Israel. Otherwise Israel must keep military control over the Palestinians in perpetuity or sooner or later face annihilation.

****************************************************

Palestinians are 'stateless' but united by longing for peace, say historians

Nice, pretty ideals, but unfortunately that's not what the hard evidence all throughout the Israeli areas around Gaza that were invaded show. You seem to be playing a harmonica in Hell and I can assure you it is not making any of the flames any cooler.

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Israel urges 1.1M in north Gaza to evacuate; U.N. warns of ‘devastating’ result

The best way to get the population of Gaza City out is to stock food, water and medicine where you want them to move to. It will unquestionably be a staggering job, but the alternative is certain death. Some people are too stubborn to save themselves, and then you have to find some way to persuade them (to save themselves).

Hamas is using the Gaza City population to shield itself, and Israel doesn't have any choice but to go through them to get to Hamas. I'm sure that if Israel had another choice Israel would take that, but they do not. This is why the world must do everything it can to get as many of the Palestinian civilians as possible out of Gaza City as quickly as possible and stop its deadly dawdling. Period.

Israel tells more than 1 million Gazans to flee south, but is that even possible?

Whoever is arguing for the old status quo, whether it is for a ceasefire or for Israel to not go about destroying Hamas too harshly, that person is spitting into the wind. "Sure, destroy Hamas. But please do it nicely." They might as well tell the Isaelis to just leave Hamas alone: It's just not going to happen.

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How 91 felony charges boosted Trump’s standing in the GOP

Felony charges also earn someone a lot of credits in the criminal underworld and in the Mafia. But then again, these days the GOP is more like a crime family than a political party because, well, because that's just the people that Republicans vote for these days: notorious scofflaws. And now you know why Trump and so many others like him are so popular with them.

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Kourtney Kardashian And Travis Barker May Have Accidentally Revealed Their Baby’s Name

Hope it's not Shit!

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How did God let Hamas massacre so many Israelis? - opinion

I believe it was not God but human incompetence: Those who were entrusted to keep their guard up letting their guard down.

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Chappell Roan doesn’t care if she’s going to hell

Sez she can always score a last second appointment at a beauty salon later.

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What 80 feels like: I’m not ready to fear the future

What future?

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Blinken meets resistance in courtship of Egypt and Saudi Arabia on Gaza war

If America didn't anticipate this then America is the victim of its own ignorance.

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Israeli ground offensive could be a ‘bloodbath,’ analysts say

Israel can avoid this if they bring in power hoses and industrial pumps to flood the Hamas tunnels with sea water from the Mediterranean. Most of those tunnels are connected, so if you pour water into one you will likely flood most of them. This will bring the Hamas terrorists out of them, as there are so many miles of them that they will certainly flood slowly. And even if the terrorists manage to seal a few of them and escape the flooding they will eventually run out of food and potable water. Then they must face a terrible sentence in the tombs that they have dug for themselves if they refuse to come out, or come out to face a stern justice in the light of day above.

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China owns the EV supply chain. Now it wants to sell you a car.

Well, hope they can also lend me the money to buy it with because frankly I'm flat busted.

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Miss Manners: My cleaning person is not doing as good a job as before

Well, duh, before she was 27, now she's 78. You're lucky she can tell the cab driver where she works.

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Israel already needs a plan for the day after it topples Hamas - analysis

Gaza cannot be allowed any measure of autonomous self-determination again because it will inevitably again lead back to Hamas: Islamist brain-washing is an utterly fatal permanent poison. What must be done there is for the Gazans to become the wards of the UN in perpetuity under permanent Israeli supervision--permanent because if they are not closely supervised by Israel the UN caretakers will inevitably look the other way while militants again take over the Gaza population and rearm as before. I think by now it should be more than self-evident that it is not in the best interests of the Israeli civilians to give such bloodthirsty neighbors the freedom to be able to butcher them ever again. And this speaks volumes for why the 'two-state solution' was ever an unworkable nonsense.

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Jim Jordan shouldn’t be speaker. Maybe no one should be.

Why couldn't the best person most people think should be speaker be elected speaker [as it should be in any democracy]... where all the elected members are allowed to vote for whomever they prefer no matter which party the candidate belongs to? Maybe then the House will really begin to finally work for the American people instead of just working for the party in power and let's hope it's in the interest of that party to also do a little bit for the country on the side. Frankly, this current American 'party system of government' smell to me like a constrain on democracy; and it is not a Constitutional requirement that it be done the way we're currently doing it either.

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Hamas, Hezbollah jihadists' plot to take over the world - opinion

Claim they can put on a lot better Broadway shows than anything that's now playing there.

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Trump co-defendant Sidney Powell pleads guilty in Georgia election-interference case

It's always the lawyers who know that when they're guilty as sin their best option is to cut a deal.

Kenneth Chesebro Pleads Guilty In Georgia Election Interference Case

Trump co-defendant Jenna Ellis pleads guilty in Georgia election case

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Jim Jordan loses second vote in US House Speaker bid

Much like Trump, Jim Jordan is utterly shameless. So I imagine he'll keep pushing for more votes on him no matter how many he loses in the belief that winning in the end is well worth it for himself no matter how much grief it brings about to others on the way there.

When a partner’s snoring wrecks your sleep, these tips can help

Say they had to do it or Jordan would have forced them to pointlessly run the election again & again & again till doomsday.

Jim Jordan Drops Bid For House Speaker

Sez that morning is coming to America and he must run off to his coffin before the Sun comes up.

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Trump Shares Link Revealing Letitia James’ Address While Raging Against Her

Trump is one of those criminal thugs who vainly imagines that he can get away with nonsense that a two-year-old already knows are too stupid to try. Or ask any of the 1.2 million wiseguys in our prisons who also think like Trump.

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It’s Like Listening to 2 Friends Who Hate Each Other

Always listen to them one at a time, away from the other. That way they won't feel they have to be polite about it.

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A reader asks: Should we keep paying for our ungrateful son to join us on family vacations?

Yes. You raised him to be ungrateful and therefore you should pay for it, until such time as you can undo the terrible way you brought up that poor kid.

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Why the tunnels under Gaza pose a major problem for Israel's potential ground invasion

The IDF need not risk its soldiers in noble but needless one-to-one underground Hamas-designed killing funnels: The solution to the problem of all those tunnels is so straightforward and simple that it amazes me the Israel army is even the slightest bit concerned about them: The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers has miles & miles of large powerful hoses and industrial-sized pumps (I've seen them used to move water in & out on the Mississippi). Stick a few of those hoses into the Mediterranean and run them through those pumps into the Hamas tunnels--Just keep flooding as many tunnel openings as you can find: No matter how many tunnels Hamas blows up to try to block the flood, if the IDF continues to flood more & more tunnels eventually over days or weeks they will all flood, and I doubt the terrorists will remain underground as the water rises. Then the IDF can wait for the terrorists to come up out into the open. That's why they requested all those A-10 Warthogs recently sent to Israel, to wait for all those Hamas terrorists to be flushed out of their tunnels.

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Berlusconi's 'worthless' art a headache for heirs

I don't understand why Berlusconi's heirs don't just open a gaudy Museum of Worthless Art. I think the rabble would find it a hoot and kill to flock to that.

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World Food Program: Let us into Gaza now

"We need to help Hamas!!!" Wait. Wait. No one has starved to death in Gaza yet. I seriously doubt anyone ever will. Be patient. Evil strikes (unexpectedly) blindly, but most of the time Righteousness must carefully study how much evil has to be overcome before it even begins to start doing good.

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Why we don't all breathe the same air

Because we all live in different worlds.

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The world is losing its humanity - UN agency chief

No, sometimes it just seems that way. People who have no humanity endeavor every now & again to perpetrate inhuman crimes in the hope that it provokes its victims to become like them. Evil is a disease that loves to spread as far & wide as it can. But it has seldom worked for very long because those inhuman criminals are never strong enough or numerous enough [nor can they ever provide a good enough reason for their evil to be accepted on a permanent basis] to accomplish anything much outside a terrible momentary crisis necessitating a terrible momentary response from otherwise good people. Even WWII, which is so far the criminal horror which precipitated the strongest, longest, and most brutal response the world has experienced so far only lasted some 5 years. Afterwards its terrible lessons made us try to seek and even more understanding humanity in ourselves.

The Israeli response to Hamas's inhuman crimes will no doubt be intense and brutal now. But it will not change the civilized nature of Israeli society any more than WWII changed the civilized nature of the Allied nations. No one's faith in the humanity of Man need ever be questioned even in our darkest days.

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11 Republicans on What It Would Take to Change Their Minds About Trump

Sorry, but I don't believe they're doing lobotomies anymore.

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Scrolls were illegible for 2,000 years. A college student read one with AI.

It read: "Hello, Joe: I was feeling down so I got a bird. Now it won't talk to me..." The rest was not as interesting.

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When a partner’s snoring wrecks your sleep, these tips can help

1) Push the bed to the window and have him sleep on that side. That way if he snores too loudly you can roll him out the window and go back to sleep.

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Why bed bugs are getting harder to beat

They're getting more weapons from North Korea?

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CNN Airs Chilling Voicemail Sent To Wife Of Anti-Jim Jordan Republican

And if Trump and his Mob gain power it won't just be warnings: There will probably be bodies littering the streets after that.

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They fled Russia's war in Ukraine. Now in Israel, they face another conflict.

Maybe they should have moved to Taiwan.

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Reward offered after body of man missing for 9 years found in freezer of wine bar -- "His body may have been in the freezer for a number of years."

No wonder their ice cubes tasted funny.

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Israel's defense minister says IDF does not plan to control life in Gaza Strip

This sounds ominous, what can I tell'ya!

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Russian foreign minister dismisses US claims of North Korea supplying munitions to Moscow as rumors

Sez the many railcars seen coming into Russia from North Korea are only shipments of toothpicks they ordered months ago.

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The Only Ice Cream Recipe You’ll Ever Need

Go to the store & buy some.

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$2 Million Homes in Pennsylvania, Montana and California

And they all come with blinking neon billboards that read: "Rich people live here. We usually keep thousands of dollars in the garage and millions in jewels thoughout the rest of the house."

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Watch the Orionids Meteor Shower Reach Its Peak Tonight

Not impressed. Call me when you spot a miles-long asteroid going to hit the earth.

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Right-Wing Media Is Flooded With Dehumanizing Rhetoric Against Palestinians

Most of it explaining what the Palestinians did to the Israeli civilians.

Community frozen as Hamas atrocities continue to emerge

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Jeanine Pirro Wants To Ban World From Coming To U.S.: ‘We’re Done With Everybody’

Sez she's willing to let in people bringing in beauty products from China, though.

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More Than 400 Capitol Hill Staffers Call For Cease-Fire In Gaza

Say that if Hamas is eliminated a lot of them could find themselves with a lot less paperwork to do.

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‘He’s Not Smart’: New Book Reveals Mitt Romney’s Assessment Of Trump

Sez he would have used a harsher insult but was afraid of Trump's legbreakers & thugs coming after him.

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Marjorie Taylor Greene Accidentally Reveals Truth About House Republicans

Yes, they picked the elephant because it is the animal that puts out the most shit on this planet.

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Saudi Prince slams Hamas, Israel and the West

Sez he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

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Gaza: 'Why are you bombing us and ruining our lives?'

Israel: "If you don't know that I'm certainly not going to tell you."

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The Ethicist columnist is asked: My sister just lost her husband. Can I ask for $5,000 that she hid from me?

Hold off until you know exactly where the money is.

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Can Twitter, uh, X, Survive Elon Musk?

Musk hasn't killed off Twitter yet?!? The company must be on a lot stronger foundations than people thought it was. "I'm trying everything I can to kill it, Goddam it!" Patience.

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How to plan a multigenerational trip and still like your family

You will never like your family: They know exactly who you are, so you can't gaslight them into believing you're who you'd like others to think you are. I know some really stupid people in my family who walk around pretending they're better than they really are, and the only thing they're accomplishing is making us snicker (behind their backs, because we know exactly how stupid people react when you call them stupid).

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China’s nuclear arsenal on track to double by 2030, Pentagon reports

Why don't we just sell them the nukes they'll need to accomplish that? This way they get the nukes they want at a cheaper price and we don't face any more nukes than they would have had while making a heap of cash in the bargain: Win/win. And, in any case, in no more than a couple of years or so nuclear technology will be made obsolete by laser weapons.

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We Must Not Kill Gazan Children to Try to Protect Israel’s Children

Yes. Why don't we just ask Hamas to move Palestinian children out of the way for the duration of the war?

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Cooking chat: What’s the secret to getting breading to stick to meat?

Cutting it in half and then placing the meat inside. When Mister Burgerking discovered this secret he made millions.

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Ask Amy: My wife rarely follows through on doing the laundry

Neither do you. That's why you got married, because you two are so alike!

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Miss Manners: When can I toss items guests leave at my home?

Do it right away, so you'll have more topics to talk about with them next time.

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Does Your Credit Card Evoke A Certain Fragrance?

Now that you mention it: Yes, my credit card stinks.

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A lake is filled with oil. Thousands donated their hair to help soak it up.

Environmentalists wouldn't just let them soak their heads in it and carry off the oil that way because they were afraid of where it might end up.

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How to try van life without buying a van

Two words: Cardboard box.

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The new Rolling Stones album actually sounds like the Rolling Stones

I have stones in my yard and an incline, I don't need to buy their album!

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Miss Manners: How do I respond to scathing letters from people I barely know?

I just throw them away: If they're interested enough in getting paid they'll at least have the decency to come after me in person, see if they can find me.

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Are aliens real? Here's what we know

I know there's a bunch of Mexicans living a couple of houses from mine. And they gotta be real: They signed a lease & everything.

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Elderly and Imprisoned: ‘I Don’t Count It as Living, Only Existing.’

If I exist there I live there. The only time I'm not living is when I don't exist.

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What is the line between life and death? Here’s my answer.

The line between life and death is making sure that your seatbelt's on right when you ride The Big Whip roller coaster.

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The Pergamon Museum closes soon for a refurbishment that won’t be complete until 2037.

All their employees are 85 years or older. In that museum just moving a chair is a major undertaking.

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Trump Asked Melania To Don A Bikini For His Buddies, Insider Claims

Don't worry, Trump sez he charged them plenty.

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If Trump Trial Isn’t Broadcast Live, a Plea to Record It for Posterity

What, you don't want history to record his conviction and long prison sentence as a '100% perfect victory' for Trump?

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Why Jews Cannot Stop Shaking Right Now

Because not enough of us have the common human decency to place a hand on their shoulders.

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Donald Trump Promises 100% Evidence Of 2020 Fraud — With A Racist Dogwhistle

Donald sez he's been holding it back in order to release it with 'the greatest most dramatic effect.'

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Kevin McCarthy Says He Hasn’t Endorsed Trump Because He Has Other Priorities

Sez that tying his shoes is not something you can just do like that!

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Nine More Republicans Sign Up For Speaker Bid, Likely Public Humiliation

I'm not a mathematician, but, if every Republican in the House is running for speaker, doesn't that mean nobody's likely to get more than one vote? [And, whatever happened to the idea that the most votes of those present wins?]

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Portland Man Accused Of Planning ‘Violent Attack’ At Climbing Festival

Why can't these crazies just go back to watching TV reruns like they used to!?

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CBS Shows Just How Much Taylor Swift Affects Travis Kelce’s Game

NFL planning to ask Swift to not attend any more Chiefs games to try to save Kelce from killing himself out there.

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John Stamos Says Finding His Girlfriend In Bed With Tony Danza Was A Total Gut Punch

Nevertheless, did Stamos at least inform Tony of all the communicable diseases he shared with his girlfriend?

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Biden’s “Moonshot” To Fight Cancer Just Took A Big Step Forward By Moving To Ban This Chemical

Hope it was lipstick because while I don't mind whatever toxic chemicals women like to douse themselves with, I draw the line when they try to smear any of them all over me.

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Haley threatens to overtake DeSantis as Trump alternative, sending sparks flying

She hasn't got a chance is Hell: Who has she raped? How many people has she defrauded? How many millions has she cheated the IRS out of? How many people has she viciously stabbed in the back or thrown under the bus? How many of her employees or business associates has she stiffed? How many times has she betrayed her countrymen, or shamed and soiled the reputation of her country abroad? How many top secrets has she passed on to our enemies? How many people has she ever blackmailed? Who is she kidding running in the Republican primaries with such glaring deficiencies?!?

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West Antarctic ice sheet faces ‘unavoidable’ melting, a warning for sea level rise

Don't get excited: Nobody's gonna drown. A rising sea lifts all boats.

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The Republicans who say we don’t even need a speaker

Claim that what we really need is a good two-dollar cigar.

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West Bank militancy surges as Israel steps up raids and arrests

More Palestinians have been killed in the West Bank than at any point in the last 15 years.

According to the Oslo agreements the Palestinians pledged themselves to stop attacks against Israel in exchange for the Palestinian Authority's rule. If they breach that agreement then the Israelis could feel free to react without constrains against them. This might include expulsions, either to Jordan or Syria, or to some other Arab country. Perhaps if enough of the militants are deported the remaining Palestinians left might be the civilized human beings who might be able to live alongside the Israelis in peace. And then they might yet be trusted with more power to exercise the right to their own self-determination (for it will not have to come at the expense of their neighbors being butchered--the only real moral or ethical constrain there is to self-determination). Until then: Pray.

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Chat with Alexandra Petri and tell her your jokes

Did you hear the one about the very shy man who drew a straight flush?

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A functioning democratic system would make Hakeem Jeffries speaker

Republicans can’t govern. Just ask them.

The problem (for them) is that the Republicans are really two right-wing parties now sharing the same space. The problem (for the country) is that according to the undemocratic rules of the House the Democratic party doesn't have enough votes to govern.

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Is the Israel-Hamas conflict just vengeance now? David Ignatius answered your questions.

After a police murder investigation has been underway for a while does it become just vengeance? What's really behind the way some people are so fast to lose sight of the fact that Israel's aim is not to exert vengeance on the civilians in Gaza but to destroy Hamas, and that this is what Israel is undertaking now? Do they really imagine that what Israel ought to do is to send its soldiers into Gaza one at a time armed only with a set of dueling pistols?!? It makes me wonder whether all the complaining is about protecting Hamas... or perhaps because the Israelis are Jews? If I were commanding the Israeli Army I wouldn't order my troops into Gaza until after at least a couple of more months of 'softening-the-enemy bombardments' and even then only after more bombardment: Frankly, I think enough Jews have been killed in this world already. Don't you?

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Video shows Chinese beer worker urinating into tank

Claims it's what gives their beer its pizzazz! [pun]

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Israel’s Moral and Political Dilemmas

In human society those who fail to control themselves are only turning control over themselves to others.

Along the Gaza border the Hamas terrorists had a choice which the Israeli Jews did not have. It is not a moral equivalency, as you condemn Hamas, to also condemn the Israelis for seeking to do whatever they have to do to put an end to Hamas.

Some Gazans return to north despite risks, UN says

Even now the Israeli Army is crying out to the civilians of Gaza City that the war will be/and is already being fought there, and to get out now however they can to save their lives. Those who cannot escape a war zone should be pitied, and those who choose to remain there must be utter fools--Inevitably the armies of their enemies will see them as having chosen to remain in the war zone in order to assist their side (even if that's not the case). It is a wonder to me that knowing this, as they should, the United Nations does not make any effort to assist their evacuation. But then again, a lot of the nations of this world are poisoned with the idea that it's acceptable for the Islamic terrorists to use their civilians as shields (that's why you don't even see them trying to evacuate their own-run hospitals).

It is never all right to assign any sort of moral equivalency between the aggressors and their victims. It is never all right to try to make victims of the aggressors.

Even before this latest and most inhuman border attack by Hamas all of the Israeli efforts had been aimed at preventing the butchering of its Jewish citizens and not to do harm to the Palestinians. So it is not a moral equivalency to condemn any of those efforts because Palestinians also deserve a homeland for themselves: In the history of the Jewish state there have been plenty of sincere offers from the Israeli side to fairly negotiate a separate state for each side, and it has always been the Palestinians who have opted for all or nothing--If the Palestinians do not suffer a historical defeat it will always remain that way: They will continue to butcher Israeli civilians at every opportunity that presents itself.

Freed Israeli hostage Yocheved Lifshitz: Hamas beat me with a wooden pole -- The just released former hostage is a peace activist who together with her husband helped sick Palestinians in Gaza get to hospital for years. "They are human rights activists, peace activists for all their life," grandson Daniel Lifshitz told Reuters in Tel Aviv shortly before the release of his grandmother was confirmed. "For more than a decade, they took... sick Palestinians from the Gaza Strip – not from the West Bank, from the Gaza Strip – every week from the Erez border to the hospitals in Israel to get treatment for their disease, for cancer, for anything."

The one thing always to fear from the very beginning was that the Palestinians should convert the Israeli Jews to their nihilistic philosophy of hate and intolerance. Personally, I never seriously thought it possible; but this unrelenting butchery of innocent Jews by the Palestinians is no doubt going to go a long way against my personal optimism on this matter.

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Trump Says He's Staying Out Of House Republican Speaker Mess

Sez he's not jumping in until they pick a candidate he can back and he can then berate, insult, and demean all the other losers.

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Trump Claims Sidney Powell Was ‘Never’ His Lawyer After She Agrees To Plea Deal

Sez he was pretty sure she was just the typical nosy and opinionated loud-mouthed cleaning lady he imagines they all are.

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Why the World Is Watching Iran

Because that is where all the best fireworks are scheduled to be set off.

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Donald Trump looms large over House Speaker chaos

Kudos, Mister Trump! Like everything else you touch you've pretty much wrecked the Republican Party. See! There it goes down the sewer, another one of your signature bankruptcies.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger: I'd be great US president

And so begins AI's quest for world domination!

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Ask Amy: Is it wrong to date my late friend’s wife?

Did your wife say it was okay with her?

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Democrats should help elect a Republican speaker

Yeah. Why don't they wait until Matt Gaetz comes up for a vote?

New Speaker Mike Johnson’s Long History With The Religious Right

Ew... Close enough.

Speaker Mike Johnson, who has opposed continued funding for Kyiv, insists on separating it from aid to Israel.

Mike Johnson, Moscow's man in the House. [Not the only one.]

Speaker Mike Johnson’s Rise: ‘The Republicans Have Elevated an Extremist’

Mike Johnson’s conspiracy theories about ‘illegals’ mark a new GOP low

House Speaker Mike Johnson used faith in campaign against gay rights

New House Speaker Thinks Creationist Museum Is ‘Pointing People To The Truth’-- An ark replica with dinosaurs "is one way to bring people to this recognition ... that what we read in the Bible are actual historical events,” Mike Johnson said.

Well, I don't remember reading about dinosaurs in the Bible, and I've actually read the Bible.

But now you know where in the 12th Century the Republicans are stuck.

Mike Johnson Joins House Republicans Who Want To Use Ukraine As Political Leverage

And now you know why this current crop of Republicans thought nothing of Trump trying to blackmail Ukraine.

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Michael Cohen and Trump meet again during civil fraud trial

C: Hey, Don! How you do-en?
T: Couldn't be bettah. You?
C: Spawkl'ng. How's Melania?
T: That's Malaria. No wait. It is Melania! I always get them two mixed up.
C: Yeah. I remembah.
T: Can I giv'ya a lift? I'm going by the East Rivah.
C: Thanks. No. Feds already offered first.
T: Catch'cha laytah then.

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Miss Manners: My husband’s rude friend spilled wine all over the place

If you were really his friends you would be glad he did so instead of pouring it into himself.

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No, you can’t fly high or drunk

Really?!? What sober pilot scrapes that low?!

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Scientists reconstructed the face of a 12 million-year-old great ape

Police say he is currently a person of interest in a number of crimes.

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Ask Amy: My late husband lent a friend money. How do I get it repaid?

Get them together in a group with people they respect and then tell them you are having trouble paying for your husband's funaral so could they please repay that loan. If that doesn't do it then you know you're just gonna have to sue those bastards.

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At 96, they fell in love playing pool. She rejected his first marriage offer.

Told him there was plenty of time after they finished the game and had to turn in.

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These new apples are built to withstand extreme weather

I know where this is going: Scientists will soon develop all new varieties of all our foods which can only survive in hot climates and then the earth will suddenly cool down and starve us out. The scientific term for this is called Why Can't You Leave Well The Hell Alone Already!

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Ask Sahaj: My husband made a private list about me. Reading it destroyed me.

You're not looking at this as the opportunity it is: Make a private list about him that's sure to destroy him and then give it to him to read. That's what marriages are for!

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Clarence Thomas May Have Had A Quarter-Million Dollar RV Loan Forgiven: Senate Inquiry

In Clarence Thomas's defense: That's a drop in the bucket of all the money he's hauled in as a Supreme Court Justice.

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Amnesty International says Israel’s evacuation orders may amount to war crimes

Or it amounts to the Israelis trying to get the Palestinians out of a dangerous war zone for their safety (if Amnesty International didn't have a history of siding with and trying to shield Hamas and thwarting accountability for the crimes Hamas commits).

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Michael Cohen Divulges His Harsh Thought When He Looked Trump In The Eye At Trial

"Oh Mister Trump, where did we go so wrong? We were so good together! Remember that moonless night by the swimming pool in your New York penthouse...?"

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Most Republicans say Trump didn’t even try to overturn the election

And still, step by step by step the terrible monster of Justice! cometh after Donald Trump's ass. Trump and his army of noodleheads may not know it, or acknowledge it, but they are well & truly cooked.

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Turkey's Erdogan: Hamas aren't terrorists, they're a liberation group

This tell you nothing except all you need to know about just who Erdogan really is.

Every time and everywhere you hear someone justify, explain away, or rationalize murder the first question that is unequivocally answered is about the foul nature of that person's twisted & perverted character.

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Fearing war and unrest, Arab leaders demand end to Israeli assault on Gaza

If they were really so concerned over the consequences to themselves of a Gaza war why didn't they demand that Hamas never start one in the first place? Where were their demands then? Because all their so-called 'demands' now sound to me like shameful & shameless calls for the murderers to be allowed to go free so they can continue their reign of murder. And all the absence of 'demands' then are like deafening shouts of their encouragement for it.

Hamas's Infiltration of the West: A Wake-Up Call for Civilization - Opinion

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European bans on pro-Palestinian protests and slogans test free speech

Is, "I am for terror!" free speech or another form of terror?

Are the limits of free speech where somebody is calling for your family to be butchered? Or before that, where he's calling for your family to be dehumanized? Or before that, where he's calling for your family to be isolated from the rest of us? Or before that, where he's calling for justice against the evils perpetrated by you and your family? Or before that, where he is merely calling for justice for himself & his? Free speech is a goal that shifts with the times. And the grounds under our feet are always swirling.

In theory and principle I am for unrestricted free speech (because that's the only way that terrible ideas can be challenged out in the open). However, no government or group seems to agree with me. So everyone has his own manner or form of censorship. I imagine that if I were in their place, I too would be proposing all manners & forms of censorship. That's just the way that mankind works, I'm afraid. So live with it.

The exertion of censorship by others is always a controversial matter because it is usually a clash of personal opinions. But when you know that expressing your most outrageous opinion will outrage someone then you must take into consideration the fact that doing so must bring to you consequences. It is unreasonable to expect and obnoxious to demand that you be allowed to outrage whomever you wish without any consequences to you. This is simply the way of the world, so you can't expect to be able to hide behind the American Constitution.

There is no question of prohibiting free speech here. Say what you want to say; then, if it is an outrage, pay for it. This is accountability, not censorship. It is one of the first things we learn in our earliest childhood: If you do something bad you must incur a punishment of some kind or degree. Therefrom:

"In human society those who fail to control themselves are only turning control over themselves to others."

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My in-laws want to pay us to baptize our baby. Give advice to this Hax question.

Hold off! First see if the priest is willing to pay you anything to do it, and how much.

****************************************************

Trump ally Blake Masters announces House run in Arizona after failed Senate bid

Anything except an honest job.

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Republicans delay more than $1 billion in HIV program funding

Well, they don't have to worry that any of their kids will ever get HIV, because, as they know, it's not contagious.

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Saudi Arabia Warns U.S.: Israeli Invasion of Gaza Could Be Catastrophic

--For Hamas. Yes, we know.

UNGA calls for Gaza ceasefire, fails to condemn Hamas

Boy, the Jew-haters are really pulling out all the stops, I see.

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No, people aren’t mistakenly flying to Austria instead of Australia

Well, I don't know about you, but when I got off the plane in Sydney all the people there were speaking an even more incomprehensible gibberish than usual. Although their apple strudels were a delight.

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European bans on pro-Palestinian protests prompt claims of bias

Wonder why the Europeans are biased against murderers now?

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Black lawyer admitted to the Maryland bar — 166 years after his denial

Sez he's planning to dust up some old cases he's been meaning to bring to court for a while now.

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Four problems Elon Musk needs to fix at X

1) get Elon Musk out of X
2) sell everything that's left for scrap

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Hamas founder's son, former informant breaks silence, slams Hamas -- “Hamas did not only bring the wrath of Israel over Gaza. Hamas brought the wrath of God,” said Mosab Hassan Yousef.

Perhaps if the Palestinians were being led by Mandela or by Mahatma Gandhi they might be in a better position today. Although my personal view is that the Muslims (all the Muslims everywhere, or see for yourself) are enslaved by the worst Cult of Death in the history of the world, so that anything that comes out of their culture is bound to reflect the criminal and murderous origin of their bloodthirsty religion (never mind the usual ridiculous Islamic propaganda being pushed everywhere around us by the oil money).

"Do not trouble your minds, God approves of your butchery, of robbery, of raping, of enslaving others, of selling them into slavery to enrich yourself, of your most heinous torturing, maiming, of the most egregious pain and suffering you can inflict upon the innocent..." That is the true historical meaning of Islam, a religion created specifically to justify the most unforgiveable crimes man can commit. And that is why Islam was favored by the armies of the conquering hordes in the Middle East after Mohammed. 'The religion of peace' BS is cynical propaganda rammed down the throats of naïve Western audiences which have never had the least interest in learning those crucial lessons of history which could save their lives.

Internet out in Gaza as Israel expands operations

It seems to me that it should be the Gazans themselves who ought to be calling for Israel to flood the Hamas tunnels because otherwise there will probably be nothing left above ground after the Israelis finish their bombing campaign. Albeit, truth be told, the destruction above ground that's taking place now as a result of Hamas's vicious attack on Israel might possibly cause a change of heart on future generations of Gazans--if they finally see for themselves the terrible consequences to them of choosing war over peace and they acknowledge a better path forward at last. Although I do not doubt that if asked Hamas would choose the above-ground destruction of the Gazans over the drowning below of the rats.

LISTEN: Hamas blocks road to Gazans fleeing- 'They're shooting at people'

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The people who want to speak to aliens

Claim we've run out of things to say to one another here on earth.

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Sailor rescued after days drifting in Pacific Ocean

Claims he didn't say he was a good sailor.

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Goldie Hawn Says An E.T. Touched Her And It ‘Felt Like A Finger Of God’

If it was in the subway, 'The Finger Of God’ outran the cops. Sorry.

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Youngkin ‘purge’ removed nearly 3,400 legal Virginia voters from rolls

In Youngkin's defense: He is a Republican, and Republicans elect Republicans to try to find some way or other to cheat the rest of us out of our democracy.

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I’m an independent. Here’s why I’ll be voting Republican for a day.

We know, we know: You want your kids to grow up and work in a Trump business (before it goes belly up).

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Local nuts are forecasting a harsh winter in D.C.

Don't get excited: I spent a while in a local institution near here, and I have to tell'ya: That's not such an unusual thing to hear being forecast in there. [I was just visiting, by the way.]

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Protesters Around The World Call For Israeli Cease-Fire In Gaza

More Democrats warn Biden about how Israel is conducting response

What is this desperate urge to stop Israel's war to put an end to what is a very painfully obvious bloodthirsty terrorist gang like Hamas? Why aren't these same people out trying to stop the far worse catastrophe in the Ukraine, or in the Sudan, or everywhere else in North Africa? Why aren't they protesting the murders in Myanmar? There are deadly dictatorships all over South America, so why aren't their voices clamoring for a return to democracy there? Why aren't they demanding human rights in North Korea, or in the Arab countries? Why aren't they crying out for women's rights in Iran and Afghanistan? Why aren't they desperately clamoring for freedom in Russia and China? No. Suddenly they are desperately interested in saving the world's worst terrorists? Why? Does one even has to ask!

Dr. Phil: Have American liberals ‘collectively lost their minds?’

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I’m a Pediatrician in Gaza. Please Save Us From This Horror.

Fret not, Dr. Safyia: Israel is doing everything in its power to do just that.

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Gaza doctors say hospital evacuation 'impossible' after Israeli warning - Doctors say Israel has told them to evacuate the Al-Quds hospital in an area of Gaza City hit by air strikes on Sunday.

IDF told them there is a vast Hamas complex under their hospital that must be destroyed, and that they will destroy it. Doctors say that that's all right, that they prefer to stay and die as martyrs for terror. To each his own, I suppose.

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Israel has no plan for Gaza after war ends, experts warn

Sounds to me like that is the best of all possible plans. Let's hope that Israel implements it.

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Iran's president says Israel ‘crossed redlines’ in Gaza

Tell the president of Iran that Hamas erased all red lines in this war between Israel and Gaza. So stop talking gibberish!

1,000 child psychologists, trauma experts urge the release of captive children

They forget to say 'please.' Hamas's leaders are very sensitive and polite gentlefolk, as you know.

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President Biden told Israel that it had a right to defend itself, but had to prioritize protecting civilians in Gaza.

If I were the leader of Israel I would tell Biden that such a thing may be important to him, sure, but that to the leader of Israel it comes after:

1) winning the war
2) protected Israeli lives
3) killing or capturing every member of Hamas
4) securing the Israeli nation from further attacks
5) if need be, demonstrating Israeli military determination to any & all potential enemies

If, after all of this, and perhaps much more than just this, the nation of Israel [under attack] is safe & secure, then it will begin to consider the safety and security of her enemies' civilians--

After which I would ask Biden the following rhetorical question:

Has any other nation on earth ever been expected to do anything different from this under the same present circumstances?

The price of Israeli sovereignty - opinion

Foreign nationals blocked from leaving Gaza by Hamas – report

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The internet is full of lies about Gaza — and a different kind of truth

European bans on pro-Palestinian protests and slogans test free speech -- “Everyone has the right to grieve,” said Rabea, a 28-year-old woman with family in the Gaza Strip who agreed to be identified only by her first name as the banned protest dispersed on Sunday. “Everyone has the right to tell their story.”

Does everyone have a right to their lies?

When lies rule it is the duty of protesters to demonstrate for the truth. But what about when protesters are demonstrating for the lies? Is it even possible to tell who is on the side of truth? Yes, I believe that this is possible: It is not all a matter of who can shout the loudest. There are always objective facts which reveal on which side falls the truth.

If one side offers to compromise while the other offers only intransigence it may at first appear as if intransigence means that because truth is on their side they don't feel that they should be required to give up anything, under any circumstance. But in human experience intransigence usually means that those who are unwilling to submit to an impartial judgment know that they lack merit, and that's why they are unwilling to submit the merits of their case to judgment.

People who merely try to shout-down their opponents are telling you they know that their side has no real merit. People who claim that the red stone in front of their eyes isn't really red or even a stone are liars beneath contempt. The reason for man keeping his history is so that it may bear witness against future liars; therefore liars will always have at their ready the latest history that they have written, while the truth will have been written well before their time. And remember that science is not history: science may make history but does not depend on its history because science is the never-ending inquiry into what comes next.

Past Lies About War in the Middle East Are Getting in the Way of the Truth Today

Brandeis U bans Students for Justice in Palestine, says group ‘openly supports Hamas’

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‘This Is A Time For War’: Benjamin Netanyahu Won’t Agree To Cease-Fire In Gaza

If Not This, Then What Should Israel Do?

Sometimes stopping to debate the ethical/moral finer points, or to consider the matter from all possible sides, or weighing all the costs (when what the direct emergency at hand requires is our immediate action) is the worst [of all] possible evils the we can perpetrate in this world.

'We will repeat October 7 again and again' - Hamas official

When murderers are on a killing rampage the only thing to be done is to do everything in our power to stop them--This is the sole rationale for war. [Note that the Ukrainians were never murderers on a killing rampage, while Hamas was: Any attempt to draw a parallel between the two cases by Russia is criminal.] And every attempt to impede Israel's effort to put an end to Hamas's killing rampage is tantamount to participating in Hamas's killing rampage. Calling on Israel to execute a ceasefire now is naked and shameful collaboration with Hamas--Is there any purpose to Hamas other than its killing rampage? Was there anything to Hamas other than that?

On principle I am opposed to every form of war. But when war is the only thing that will bring an end to something far worse, who can morally oppose it? Killing someone is always reprehensible. But what if it's the only thing that will prevent that person from continuing to kill others? It is an impossible choice that we sometimes have to make. Some things are unavoidable in the human experience, and there is no hypocrisy about any of this. No false moral quandaries here.

Chief Of UN Refugee Agency Accuses Israel Of ‘Collective Punishment’ On Gazans

This is just another stupid attempt to try to push a ceasefire on the Israelis. It would be funny if it wasn't so sinister at its core.

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The Israel-Gaza War: ‘Innocent Lives Being Lost on Both Sides’

This war, like all wars, is going to see a lot of terrible, horrible, and even still worse things. Those who believe that Israeli or Jewish soldiers are any different than any other human soldiers are living in a fantasy world of ethnic & racial prejudices and liable to believe anything.

I'm not a religious man, but witnessing the suffering of so many human beings there now I cannot help but cry out to something beyond us poor men: God help the innocents caught up in this war! And God help even those who aren't innocent, for they are all victims. It is sheer folly to believe otherwise just because the Israeli Jews were the first and principal victims in this vicious war: Palestinian Muslims are themselves also victims of a cult of death which was so cynically devised some 1400 years ago by a murderous criminal to assuage the troubled thoughts of the members of his gang of murderers (at perpetrating butchery disturbing even for hardened criminals like themselves just for personal gain). And because that despicable religious hoax served so well the purpose of so many conquering warlords after Mohammad's spree of terror during his lifetime of looting, Islam the cult of butchery and rape, of slavery and theft still to this day continues to spread death, doom, bloodshed unquenchable, and ruin over swathes of its human victims all over the present world: We can see the ruin and bloodshed it is spreading now in Israel and Gaza, and perhaps beyond there tomorrow. And we can do nothing but grieve and weep for the innocents who must suffer its curse whether they are Muslims or otherwise.

I, who am neither Muslim nor Arab, Israeli nor Jew, but a Cuban raised a Catholic, I have wept at the suffering those poor people are undergoing (because of the sins inherited from guilty souls long lost to history) because all human suffering belongs to me just as, by right, my suffering too should belong to all men as well.

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More Democrats warn Biden about how Israel is conducting response

Claim they're a 100 times better generals than any of the ones actually conducting the combat out there in the fields of battle.

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I’ve Been Under Bombardment. There Must Be a Cease-Fire in Gaza.

Definitely. The next bombardment after the cease-fire is bound to be much nicer.

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What’s on your pay stub?

Peanuts. And I don't even remember the last time I ate any.

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Henry Winkler is working through some things

I can guess what the Baker's family business must have been a ways back, but I wonder what the Winklers might have been up to (to pick up their name)? Were they beachcombers, I wonder, or maybe notorious torturers?

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Matthew Perry wanted to be remembered for fighting addiction

I want to be remembered a billion years from now for the way I could cross my toes.

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A plurality of Americans believe God created humans without evolution

And what does that make of us back when we were still monkeys up in the trees throwing our feces at each other? [Ah! Those were the good ole days!]

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ICC puts burden on Israel to prove Hamas uses human shields - analysis

Tell the ICC to look under the Gazans: There you will find the Hamas terrorists. If that doesn't penetrate the thick skulls in the ICC nothing anybody can say ever will.

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Is it true that you sometimes swallow spiders in your sleep?

No. Not true at all. This is just a snide remark by people who think my hair is much too wispy thin.

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Scientists have found a ‘sleeping giant’ of environmental problems: Earth is getting saltier

I could've told them that just from overhearing my neighbors.

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AI must not 'move fast and break things'

By law, our AI servants must all be lumbering Frankenstein monsters (albeit witty & wisecracking). Science fiction writers are mostly always right.

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A night with the rat hunters

We drank & ate, and drank & ate, and... suddenly they couldn't find their catch of rats when they woke us up! Oh-oh. [Whenever you go drinking with the rat hunters, always make sure that they leave their catch of rats outside the bar & grill.]

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Child-care workers make less than dog walkers. Some have had enough.

I don't know. Some of those dog walkers are millionaires: My nephew walks over 500 dogs on a leash & makes a ton of money. Sometimes when he's walking his dogs they have to close both lanes of traffic for a couple of blocks or more.

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Why many scientists are now saying climate change is an all-out ‘emergency’

Oh shut up, nobody's paying any attention to you guys--We all know we're gonna die soon, so it'll be 'somebody else's problem.' Even the people spewing babies all over the place don't care where the hell they end up: "Bake'em, fry'em, what'd we care!"

When the world gets so hot that people begin to be fried and broiled in the streets they'll simply blame it all on God getting upset by some niggling thing or other (just like we've always done since way back before Aristotle & them Greek goomers):

A plurality of Americans believe God created humans without evolution

Translation: American education never graduated from the 19th Century.

An apocalyptic dust plume killed off the dinosaurs, study says

"Well, it's a good thing then that it wa'n't no Dust Bowl 'cause we had us one of them some years back & we lived through it fine!"

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in response to President Joe Biden's comment that Hamas "does not represent the aspirations of the Palestinian people,"

I think Joe Biden had better have a talk with Rep. Rashida Tlaib D-Mich about this before repeating this leftwing parlor blarney.

Rashida Tlaib’s alleged links to the Hamas terror organization - report

US House approves bill to sanction Hamas supporters

Guess Rashida Tlaib won't be purchasing that new automobile after all. Sorry.

Rashida Tlaib part of private Facebook group that has glorified Hamas - report

The Palestinians, not just Hamas, have declared war on Israel - opinion

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European bans on pro-Palestinian protests and slogans test free speech -- Home Secretary Suella Braverman wrote to chief constables in England and Wales that concern should extend beyond explicitly pro-Hamas symbols and slogans. “I would encourage police to consider whether chants such as: ‘From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free’ should be understood as an expression of a violent desire to see Israel erased from the world,” Braverman wrote. Waving the Palestinian flag, in certain contexts, may glorify terrorism, she added. Ben Jamal, director of Palestine Solidarity Campaign, called Braverman’s instructions “deeply concerning.” "Such comments threaten civil liberties and normalize the dehumanization of Palestinians,” he said.

In effect Mister Jamal is saying that discouraging Palestinians from calling for genocide and cheering on terrorism dehumanizes them?!? In a civilized world I would think that exactly the opposite would apply.

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If Palestinian Freedom Makes You Uneasy, Ask Yourself Why

When a man's freedom to own a gun sends thousands into lockdown in their homes, what exactly is the meaning of freedom?

When one person's freedom to not wear a mask or to not be readily vaccinated against a deadly contagious disease kills thousands of innocents, what exactly is the meaning of freedom?

Freedom is always defined by the constraints we place on those who would put an end to it.

Our Declaration of Independence was a constraint placed by us upon England and her king's power to curtail our freedoms.

So you see: Freedom is always a constraint placed on those who would put an end to it.

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This Native American inscription was found deep inside a cave. Two centuries later, scholars think they understand its meaning.

Basically, it translates into something like, "Kilroy was here."

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Carolyn Hax: Their friend’s new girlfriend is 15 years younger, and acts like it

Does she really HAVE to say something every 20 minutes? We older people hate that!

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Rats have an imagination, brain research reveals

First they see themselves in prison, then they spill to the cops.

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Jamie Raskin Explains Why He Voted *Against* Expelling George Santos

Sez that Santos is one of the best ads about the folly of voting Republican there is out there.

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Russia Pulled Out of a Nuclear Test Ban Treaty. Here’s What That Means.

An opportunity for the United States to test all those new ideas they're been working on for years now?

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Israel has no right to defend itself, says Russia at UN

Claims it's traditional for Jews to be exterminated every now & again, "until such time as we run out of Jews"

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Dining chat: Why am I paying a 5 percent service fee for a cup of coffee?

You want your cup of a saucer, don't you! Well, that's the price of putting a cup on a saucer these days, pal. Welcome to the 21st Century.

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El Salvador imposed a new $1000 fee for passengers with an African passport. Here’s why

They claim that people from Africa are richer than people from other parts of the world, so they are more likely to be able to pay it. That's why El Salvador leads the planet on intellectuals.

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Students hated ‘To Kill a Mockingbird.’ Their teachers tried to dump it.

They said all one has to do is hit the damn bird with a well-aimed rock & the rest of that stupid how-to book is obviously boringly pointless. I guess their teachers see the logic in this.

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Ask Amy: How do I address co-workers who keep misgendering me?

Always wear a fake moustache if you want people to think you're a man, and a prominent tits prosthesis if you want them to think you're a woman. Works for me.

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A novel defense in Trump’s Georgia case: The 2020 election really was stolen

"Your Honor, in reality all the bank money that my clients took in their bank robbery really belonged to them and not to the bank; nor did the petty cash of the sundry bank customers who happened to be in the bank that day either..."

Colo. judge weighs whether Trump incited insurrection and is barred from running

"Your Honor, my client Mister Robin Hood sez that none of the thefts carried out by his merry band of thieves in his name were done with his knowledge or permission..."

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In a Jedi-like feat, rats can move a digital object using just their brain

The rat who accomplished this would later become the great-great-great grandfather of Yoda.

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Four things we learned from Trump sons’ testimony

1) the fruit doesn't rot too far away from the tree

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What is Hezbollah and will it go to war with Israel?

Well, the good news is that it'll probably be the last war Hezbollah will fight.

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FTX Founder Sam Bankman-Fried Convicted Of Fraud

His heart was in the right place but his hands were in somebody else's pockets.

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Pause? Cease-fire? Sen. Peter Welch doesn’t see a difference

A 'pause' would allow Hamas terrorists to escape the Israeli Army, while a 'cease-fire' would allow them to find better positions from which to kill Israeli soldiers. So there probably is a difference. Wonder why Israel isn't going for them?

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As Gaza War Enters New Phase, Israel Faces Pressure Over Civilian Deaths

The best way to keep an enemy army from killing your civilians is to not start a war. Once you've started a war, trying to convince the enemy to not kill your civilians is usually an exercise in the ridiculous. The second best way to keep an enemy army from killing your civilians is to surrender as quickly as possible--Although it's never as good a savior of your civilians as not starting wars with others in the first place: Always go for that first choice whenever you can. Or for the second choice as quickly as you can.

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Why Go to Mars If You Can’t Have Sex There?

We're not allowed to have sex at the corner nude bar either, but that's not keeping any of us away!

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Her students reported her for a lesson on race. Can she trust them again?

Any teacher that ever trusts her students is going to end up with a blackboard eraser in the back of her skull.

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Who is Hasan Nasrallah, the leader of Hezbollah?

"He was the nicest person you'd ever want as a neighbor. Quiet. Lived with his mother and babysat all our kids. Sometimes he'd even mow the lawn for elderly neighbors and shoveled the snow for those who couldn't do it themselves. One would have never in a million years suspected him of being a mass murderer..."

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Hollywood Is Still Portraying Latinos With The Same Tired Stereotypes

The thing is to make sure that no one could possibly recognize that the character the actor is playing is a Latino. Maybe have the blond German actor say somewhere in the film that his name is Pepe Gomes from Guatemala, or something. And NO DANCING (or mustaches), please.

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Musk did at least one thing right in his first year at X

He washed his hands after going to the can? Good boy!

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You shouldn’t be fired for being a jerk

Yes, your co-workers should start learning why nobody works there unless they get paid.

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Eight columnists discuss: How in the world is Trump winning?

1) you can never go wrong in this world by underestimating people's intelligence

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Few reasons for optimism after US diplomatic dash

This headline is the BBC's take on Israel's overwhelming successes in its war against Hamas. That's all you really have to know about which side the BBC is against. Why it's on the side of a hideous terrorist group like Hamas is really unfathomable.

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A law that helped end slavery is now a weapon to end affirmative action

You cannot right a wrong with another wrong. Any notion that affirmative action does not harm anyone is self-evidently flawed. Reparations to those who were held in slavery should have been paid to them. Damages from the injustices of racism today should be paid by those who are perpetrating it.

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How to bike safely through the dark winter months

2 words: stationary bike

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Israel closes in on Gaza City; Blinken leaves region without combat pause -- In talking about his efforts to push for a humanitarian pause, Blinken said it was also important to see progress on the situation of the more than 230 hostages being held by Hamas. “We also believe that a pause [in fighting] could help advance that proposition as well,” he said.

However, when you consider the hundreds of thousands, even millions of lives that are otherwise at risk in this war, to imperil that many lives just for the sake of but 230 doesn't seem reasonable in even the slightest degree.

A ‘humanitarian ceasefire’ – a war crime?

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A newspaper giant tried to diversify its staff. White workers sued.

"I don't see why you guys are so upset. We're firing you for a good cause."

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This gonzo treasure hunter uses magnets to plumb Baltimore’s Inner Harbor

Sez there's money in old nails, belt buckles, and bullet-riddled Mafia corpses.

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Woman drives into building she thought was an ‘Israel school’, police say

And now you know just how screwed up in their heads antisemitic people really are!

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Orcas sink another yacht in Strait of Gibraltar

Orcas should just lose some weight or stay away from sailing. And no matter how rich they are.

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China has acquired a global network of strategically vital ports

Oh, let'em drink them all! We prefer white wines, light rosés, and Sprite.

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Trump’s belief that 2020 election was stolen is not a defense, DOJ says

Well, how about his belief that he's Jesus then?

Trump as Jesus? Why he casts himself as a martyr, and why fans go along.

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What happened to a missing $6M gold toilet? Despite charges, no one can say.

Who dumps $6 million dollars on a crapper?

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With Poll Results Favoring Trump, Should Biden Step Aside?

No. By the time the election comes around Trump will be where he rightfully belongs: in prison for the rest of his miserable life. And no matter what his cult followers may opine.

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Why Does the Right Hate America?

Because America is the land of the free and refuses to be told what to do by those who imagine themselves her masters.

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Why don’t women’s clothes have more pockets?

Because, unlike men, women would most probably put some stuff in'em.

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Bernie Sanders: I don't know if a ceasefire is possible with Hamas -- Bernie Sanders said that what Israel does not have a right to do is kill thousands of innocent men, women, and children who had nothing to do with that attack. When asked "How should Israel destroy Hamas post-attack, without hurting/killing innocent men, women, and children, when Hamas is hiding behind them and putting them in danger?" Sanders answered: "That is exactly the right question to ask the military experts of which I am not one."

But clearly Bernie IS ordering the Israeli military 'to destroy Hamas without hurting/killing innocent men, women, and children, when Hamas is hiding behind them and putting them in danger.' Bernie Sanders has self-evidently appointed himself a military expert. He just wants to have it both ways.

Therefore, answer the question or shut the hell up, Bernie!

I, on the other hand, fall on the side of assuming that, no matter how many people are killed in this war in Gaza, the Israeli military IS doing everything it can 'to destroy Hamas without hurting/killing innocent men, women, and children, when Hamas is hiding behind them and putting them in danger' if for no other reason than that it is indisputably in their best interest to do it that way. Unlike Bernie Sanders I do leave this to the military experts.

This is a war that is being fiercely fought in close quarters on the streets of a city against an enemy that thinks nothing of using civilians as human shield, and civilians who think nothing of helping them do just that. Ask the Americans who fought people like this in Fallujah if they tried purposefully to kill the civilians who died there. The veterans of Fallujah are probably living in your hometown right now, even in Bernie Sanders's.

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Millennials aren’t having kids. Here are the reasons.

1) Jesus, you have to have sex to do that! Who wants that?!
2) Damn kid's gonna want a car: Ha! I saw that coming.
3) Who needs'em? Enough immigrants are coming in to fill every job & then some: Let them come up with kids!

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These Miami-Dade voters want Ron DeSantis as governor, not president

Not me. I'm sure that Florida is much better off with DeSantis as far away from here as possible. Thank you!

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Officer seizes inmate’s phone and sends himself money from the man’s CashApp, feds say

Are there nothing but crooks in today's prisons? You'd think at least the guards would be law-abiding people.

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Poet Rupi Kaur rejects White House invite over Gaza

And she didn't even write a Limerick about it?

When Rupi Kaur was invited to the WH
it was a lovely, warm and peaceful age.
  But then a nasty war sprung up
  and Rupi got a case of the one hickup
only being by her lonely can hope ever to assuage.

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A Poison Specialist Is Charged With Fatally Poisoning His Wife

"Hey! It's what I do."

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Oldest black hole found, and it may solve a cosmic mystery

Where did God leave his keys?

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Real human skull found as Halloween decoration in Florida shop

Shop owner sez abuse of a corpse doesn't count because it's only a head, and abuse of a head is protected by sex privacy laws.

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Why women are having more periods than earlier generations

As far as I'm concerned they can have as many periods as they like. I don't even wanna get into the conversation: I was brought up in a house with four women (there were two men but they managed to get out).

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Why you should buy clothes to last (almost) forever

Hey, I'm still wearing a pullover my mother bought me when I was three. Now people think it's a neat little Surrealist piece.

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3 early takeaways from Trump’s testimony

1) he's the best witness for the prosecution
2) he's the best source of new material on his co-conspirators
3) if you don't want him to go completely crazy place him in the general prison population so he can keep ranting to others

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Miss Manners: A co-worker asked if my kids have the same father

Tell them what my mother used to say when asked that: "Hope so, because I'm a notorious sampler."

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Trump’s legal issues are bound with a thread of willful dishonesty

This is a nice way of saying that he's a liar and a cheat.

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Apple and Samsung sold you out to Google for $26 billion

Google got ripped off: I would have sold myself out to Google for 26 dollars, if at that.

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Miss Manners: Moviegoers didn’t respect our desire to stay for the credits

When the movie's mindlessly rolling endless end credits seem as interesting as the movie itself you know why Hollywood's in so much trouble.

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Rick Santorum Gets Weird With ‘Very Sexy’ Take On Why Republicans Keep Losing

Sez they're all 'screwed up.'

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Saudi Arabia and other Arab countries are beseeching the U.S. to push Israel to end its military campaign in Gaza.

Guys, patience! Israel is doing everything in its power to bring it to an end. It's already winding down. But you gotta be a little patience. As the ole saying will go: "Gaza City was't razed in a day."

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Today’s Opinions: We’re staring down the barrel of a second Trump term

When you don't learn your lesson the first time around you must repeat it one more time, and this time more intensely. And many many more times after that if you're a really really slow learner.

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What’s up with Speaker Johnson not reporting a bank account?

In Speaker Johnson's defence: If he reports his bank account he'll have to pay his taxes on it, silly.

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Think cats are aloof? They make nearly 300 facial expressions, study says.

I don't know about this aloof stuff: Every cat I've ever owned has always been all over me day & night.

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Max Pacioretty, finally skating, says he has ‘so much more hockey in the tank’

My old man used to be able to skate asleep when he was tanked, with his head between his ankles. And it also kept him out of hockey.

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Police arrest man carrying long gun near Capitol

Claims he's just not very experienced in carrying concealed weapons.

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Native Americans, far from their tribes, build community around a drum

Luckily there were not that very many of'em left, so they were all able to fit their entire community around the one drum.

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Police chief hurt in crash after news conference on reckless driving

We know: The universe was just waiting patiently until after he went to one of those.

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Barbra Streisand’s memoir is long and dishy. Here are the highlights.

Well, you have to remember that she is a woman, so she probably had to wash a lot of dishes.

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Sharon Stone Emotionally Recalls Former Sony Executive Exposing Himself To Her In The ’80s

He is obviously a very small man.

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The Actors Strike Is Coming To An End

And you won't even have to hang around for the end credits.

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Ever Heard These 2 Pieces Of Dating Advice? Well, They’re Exactly What NOT To Do.

1) Check you date's teeth for health issues.
2) See if they trust you enough to pull your finger.

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How On Earth Has Tom Cruise Avoided Getting Canceled For So Long? PR Experts Weigh In

He's very tiny and easily slips under the radar.

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Why are so many Americans dying early?

Daylight saving time. Next question.

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What Is A War Crime?

When you shot off the other guy's head clear off, that's a good kill. When he nicks you in the foot, that's a war crime.

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Israel demands action after journalists reportedly joined Hamas massacre

All so-called journalists who were aware of the Hamas attack and did not immediately inform the proper authorities must be brought before a court of law to face charges of full criminal complicity in the crimes committed by Hamas. And the news organizations they work for should be liable for damages.

Honest Reporting' Group Backtracks After Implying Journalists Knew Of Hamas Attack

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Man charged with growing $8.5 million worth of psychedelic mushrooms

Man claims he is innocent, sez that he just hadn't washed his feet in a while.

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No reoccupation, Blinken urges, laying out fullest vision yet for Gaza’s future

Sez what the world needs now is the same old tired status quo, It has brought us so much fun & joy. More of the same is always the best way to go [no-wheres] in politics.

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I’m calling from Israeli intelligence. We have the order to bomb. You have two hours'

I don't know if anybody actually thanked this man [Mahmoud Shaheen] for all the lives he saved, but he really should be given a major award for the heroic civic loyalty & duty he displayed for his neighbors.

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Searing photos, videos capture a month of pain, devastation

Maybe the devastation that is happening to the streets of Gaza City is a lesson the Gazans could not learn any other way--since none of them ever protested when Hamas was placing rocket launchers next to their homes to shoot at their neighbors. Didn't they even once imagine that their neighbors would shoot back at their homes to try to save themselves from being murdered by those rockets? What thinking person does not realize that swatting a hornets nest is not something that will cause the hornets to just flee away in panic?

Fights in bread lines, despair in shelters: War threatens to unravel Gaza's close-knit society

Exposed: Hamas's hospital hideouts - a grave abuse of Gaza's medical lifelines - editorial

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Why is your latte so expensive? Here’s the math behind coffee’s climbing price tag.

Okay, I haven't bought store coffee for a few years now so I'm thinking maybe I'll probably have to carry more than the old 25 cents to but one these days...

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This runner finished last at the NYC Marathon. He feels ‘blessed.’

Everybody ahead of him was invited to run it again next year.

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'THE PHONE DOESN'T STOP RINGING': DEMS DELUGED BY CEASE-FIRE CALLS

Say that they've never seen a war being fought like this. "Even on M*A*S*H* I never saw any blood outside some icky bandages here & there!"

Democratic Staffers Told To Let Constant Calls For Cease-Fire ‘Go To Voicemail’

"Please call back later. After you've familiarized yourself with what real war looks like. Thank you."

Yes, this is war. And war is not at all as pretty as you would like it to be. People don't get shot without blood spurting out like a ruptured paint-filled balloon. John Wayne didn't use real bullets!

I am sorry to put it bluntly, but watching all this horror, the fastest way to put an end to it is for the Israelis to achieve their victory as quickly as possible. If you too want it to end as quickly as humanly possible, help them in any way you can!

A cease-fire with Hamas is to give Terrorism fuel. It is the gravest of evils. Under no circumstances must any cease-fire that will allow Hamas to live on to butcher & massacre another day must ever be contemplated by the forces fighting against this most vile of evils on earth.

To those who are engaged in this struggle for good I say: Be like a tree in a hurricane: If your stand is principled you can weather the storm. The important thing is never what passing things others think or say about you but what you have always known about yourself.

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First ever images prove 'lost echidna' not extinct

How about the kucalacak? I haven't seen a living kucalacak in a long while, if ever.

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Ron Rivera still hasn’t shown why he deserves to stay in Washington

Ron Rivera sez he doesn't have to because nodoby who's in Washington today really deserves to be there either. So there!

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Florida lawyer held on charges he tried to blow up Chinese embassy wall

Lawyer sez he was convinced there as an unregistered Chinese restaurant going in there, from all the smells that were choking him day and night; and that he just lost it after nobody paid any attention to his complaints. Cops found no restaurant.

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Jezebel gave us the tampon story when we needed it most

Is this the one where the woman wished herself into stone and then couldn't reach in to wish herself back into a woman? I love that story.

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U.S. strikes Iranian weapons storage site in Syria after attacks on troops

"The American SOB's also destroyed some of our best mops & brooms!" [The difference between the American and the Israeli air corps.]

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A guide to the friends and patrons of Clarence and Ginni Thomas

I thought the American people were supposed to be their sole patrons. I thought our laws meant that they weren't supposed to have any outside patrons but us so that the Supreme Court would rule in favor only of the American people. I thought that was why we paid them our hard-earned money in a steady salary, instead of just tipping them whenever they might see their way to giving us a favorable ruling. I thought this meant that they would then be beholding only to those who provided them the money they lived on. Now I'm not all that sure who the Hell they're beholding to.

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Ask Amy: I don’t want my late daughter’s horrid partner at Thanksgiving

Well, if he's really as horrid as you claim he is, he is bound to be there. So pass the gravy.

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Why was it a snake that tempted Adam and Eve to sin?

Because the cow was busy making a phone call.

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U.S. government once again begins preparing for possible shutdown

Why doesn't the government simply switch over to a state of permanet preparation for a possible shutdown? I think it'll probably save a few bucks that way.

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Readers respond to a Hamas cartoon

Did not know that Hamas was putting out cartoons now.

Washington Post deletes editorial cartoon criticized as racist

A lot of condemnation has come the way of the Ramirez cartoon because he depicted the Hamas man as 'Arafat ugly.' Sure, perhaps if someone who was not so disapproving of Hamas had drawn the cartoon maybe the terrorist would have resembled Tom Hanks or someone like that and the innocents he was hiding behind might have looked more willing to be there with him, and maybe even shielding him as 'a cause for good.'

Yes, the portrayal in the cartoon is racist. But I commend its use because any & every member of Hamas should be despised with the same & every level of hate, and of disgust, and of contempt that only racists are capable of feeling. And every personification of a Hamas figure should be damn 'Arafat ugly' and worse.

The purpose of the cartoon was to depict the Hamas terrorist as ugly as possible. If that offended the tender ethnic sensibilities of some Hamas supporters out there perhaps they should pause and ask themselves why instead of condemning this sort of 'racist depiction' they do not instead condemn a bit more harshly [their fellow] Arabs for being members of such reprehensible group as Hamas?

****************************************************

Ask Amy: Aunt you barely know wants you to dog sit

Are you mentioned in her will?

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Where Does Religion Come From?

Look all around you. There are countless people trying to invent new religions as get-rick-quick schemes everywhere you look. Eventually some of them succeed. Some of them even invent new gods to go along with them, and a lot of those also succeed. That's the way it's always been. And it's the way it will probably always be. It's always all a matter of time and place.

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‘The Jazz Continuum’ explores Black social dance — from past to present

I've heard this 'Jazz Continuum’ and it's essentially 6 seconds of music which is then repeated for 6 hours. I heard the first 6 minutes of it live and then read about the rest of it back home watching 6 repeats of the old I Love Lucy show.

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Wonder if UFOs are real? The government has been trying to find out, too.

Really!?! I and most of the City of Miami saw a good couple of them [two gigantic shimmering blue spheres] in the mid 60's that were spectacularly real. We've never seen airplanes or birds that were that real.

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Trump’s rivals seize on opportunities to challenge his mental sharpness

Is't that abuse of the elderly?

Trump calls political enemies ‘vermin,’ echoing dictators Hitler, Mussolini

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Israeli forces ‘striking us from all sides’ at al-Shifa Hospital, Gaza official says

Major hospitals in Gaza are under siege, with some nearing shutdown

For places with only civilian wounded and unarmed doctors they sure seem to be putting up a terrific fight against the might of the Israeli army.

It sure is taking the Israeli army a long time to take over a couple of hospitals.

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Britain's most bizarre aristocrats

You mean Britain has aristocrats that are not as bizarre as the rest of them?!?

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The fried chicken served on Titanic

Researches are now looking into whether the Titanic fried chicken might have contributed to the ship's sinking.

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Is time travel possible?

Yes. All you need to do is look at your watch when you start out.

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Ronna McDaniel Says RNC Will Support Trump Even If He’s Convicted

Why not? The entire GOP is a rotten putrid corpse of corruption pretty much top to bottom now. Why not run a convicted rapist, tax cheat, and con man as its candidate if what they're after is to defraud the electorate!

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In Politics, There Are Worse Things Than Wishful Thinking

Sure: Getting hit in the head with a brick is one I can think of right away.

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How Chinese aggression is increasing the risk of war in the Taiwan Strait

The Chinese have invested a substantial fortune in their arms modernization and they're probably not going to be satisfied to just show it off. So the U.S. and its allies had better steel themselves for at least a substantial aerial skirmish in that area.

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We’ve been getting Sylvester Stallone all wrong

Well, at least all those guys who sold him those worthless paintings got him right enough.

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Why companies are racing to build the world’s biggest bug farm

The demand by people who like to bug others is never-ending.

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11 mind-boggling facts about time

1) no 2 people have the same time unless they check each other's watches & then they'll most probably be off

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“The Marvels”: You’ve seen this movie 32 times before, our critic writes.

That explains that long stretch I can't remember, and all the popcorn in my shirt pockets.

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The people living low-waste lives

We have the skinny on this.

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The benefits of walking backwards

1) you get to the place you've just come from faster
2) when you bump into things you don't hurt your nose
3) if you're one of those persons who prefers not to have sex with your sexual apparatus, that's the way to go

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Hezbollah says it is introducing new weapons in ongoing battles with Israeli troops

Good. Good. The Carthaginians introduced elephants and other new weapons before they were all extinguished from the earth and their cities razed to the ground. I'm sure history will remember Hezbollah's innovations as well when they too are written about in the future.

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Hospitals have special protection under the rules of war. Why are they in the crosshairs in Gaza?

Because Hamas is firing out from them to people who can fire back. [The only possible alternative is that there are Israeli soldiers inside the hospitals shooting at the Israeli soldiers outside then--Does that make sense to you?] We have eyes to see this for ourselves; the question is: why don't you?

U.S. warns about fighting near hospitals; Netanyahu defends Gaza assault

WATCH: Hamas blocks IDF fuel delivery to Gaza's Shifa Hospital

IDF kills Hamas commander who held Gazans hostage at Al Rantisi Hospital

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Violence by West Bank Settlers Cannot Be Ignored

Why not? We ignore many times that much violence on just about every Goddam major city in the United States, for Heavens' Sakes! Use some brains once in a while, see if maybe you got some.

[I better go take a break before these idiots start making me seriously thinking of something crazy like voting for Trump or something.]

'Settler violence' is a myth - opinion

If Progressives Don’t Like Biden’s Gaza Position, Wait Till They Learn About Trump’s

More than 800 Sudanese reportedly killed in attack on Darfur town, UN says

Yea, but they were not killed by Jews so they don't count. Their killers could have killed 800,000 and nobody would have cared either. It's the way it is. The Sudanese passed up a wonderful opportunity for unimaginable human slaughter.

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Support for Hamas on university campuses raises worries for future - opinion

The answer to support for Hamas in the world is to eliminate every Hamas terrorist in the Middle East wherever they are to be found and don't want to be jailed. Then the morons and malefactors of the world will have to go find some other creepy-crawly poisonous creatures to lick.

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How should Israel handle the Houthi attacks from Yemen? - opinion

Well, Gaza City would be a nice lesson for Iran and Hezbollah to learn from the Houthis too.

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A supervolcano is starting to stir. Should we be worried?

No. Not if you don't have any plans to continue living on this planet.

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This is why more people are shaving their eyebrows. And here’s how to do it yourself.

We're hsaving our eyebrows because we're getting so damn lazy that we can't even raise an eyebrow anymore. And, no, I am not shaving mine--I'm still willing to raise an eyebrow now & again, at something or other, for Heavens' Sakes!

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X, formerly known as Twitter, is racing to contain damage after Elon Musk endorsed an antisemitic post.

Cut the garbage! Elon Musk cannot be salvaged; and as long as he owns X then X also cannot be salvaged. There are other (even better) alternatives to X. Go there.

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Al-Shifa Hospital resembles Israeli ‘military barracks,’ Gaza Health Ministry says

I guess the so-called Israeli 'bombardment' of the hospital didn't manage to destroy it much then. Perhaps the media should start thinking about not parroting & spreading that particular Hamas talking point so quickly anymore.

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Ohio Man Who Attacked Officers on Jan. 6 Gets Nearly 5 Years in Prison

"But it was a nice adrenalin rush. Easily worth 5 years in prison."

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Who would be Trump’s possible VP?

Duterte isn't doing anything these days. And he would fit in so nicely with Trump.

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Ask Sahaj: I am filled with anxiety about my son’s college application process

So was I but, thankfully, the kid wasn't as stupid as I thought he was.

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Miss Manners: Should you donate your winnings from a charity raffle?

If I can write it off, sure.

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Nevada AG investigates pro-Trump electors who falsely claimed he won

If all the political malefactors & crooks who schemed to subvert the law are finally prosecuted and sent to prison the dream of truly honest and unquestioned elections in this country will be one step closer. So do it! Prosecute the bastards and maybe they will prefer to be reformed.

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Charissa Thompson under fire for admitting she fabricated sideline reports

Sure: The crime itself is never as bad as admitting it.

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Post Grad: I’m not embarrassed to tell people I’m sober anymore. Here’s why.

We know: You take a good stiff drink before doing it.

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Q&A with Mitch Landrieu: Why doesn’t Biden get credit for his achievements?

Because the GOP's megaphone of lies is much louder. Has been since FOX News turned up its volume. Hey, Democrats: Speaking softly & carrying a big stick don't work if the GOP knows it's made out of foam.

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Whiplash in China as state media does U-turn on U.S.

Suddenly they discovered that Americans are the people who buy Chinese producs.

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What if you met your future self?

Well, I'm pushing 80, so if I'm gonna meet my future self it'd better be in like the next two/three days.

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Watch: US senator challenges man to fight mid-hearing

Sure: Thugs, crooks, bullies, tough guys, thieves, rapists, tax cheats, fraudsters, flim-flamers, ruffians, hoodlums, gangsters, vandals, autocrats, dictators, goons, punks are all now the who's who of the Republican Party.

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U.N. Security Council Adopts Resolution Calling For Urgent ‘Humanitarian Pauses’ In Gaza

Sez it is imperative that terrorism continues to thrive in the world. I guess that's why it does.

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Exercising with flat feet? Here’s what you need to know.

Nothing. I always take off my flat feet before exercising.

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Mike Johnson might be a more skillful speaker than expected

Went on & on about Peter Piper picking a peck of picked peppers and then accepted a bid on something someone apparently bought at auction. Maybe the highest bid, I don't know.

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Why your weather forecasts may soon become more accurate

Because soon it'll always be: Heat, all heat all the time.

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King of Jordan: A two-state solution would be a victory for our common humanity

No nation on earth would tolerate a state next-door which is solely dedicated to its obliteration. To demand that Israel accept such a state next to it is idiotic and malicious.

Palestinians in Gaza, West Bank strongly support Hamas, October 7 attack

As if any need there was of explaining why the two-state solution is bonkers

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Memorials to victims of Stalin vanish in Russia

Of course, everything that is not for the edification of Evil is now forbidden in Russia, again.

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As Trump Vows Vengeance Against ‘Vermin,’ Republicans Look The Other Way

They don't want people to know Trump meant them.

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Miss Manners: When I treat my friends to dinner, they like to add to-go orders

Hey, when I'm invited to dinner I don't expect it to be a one night stand.

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Ask Amy: Daughter won’t have her wedding at our house if her dogs aren’t included

Sit the dogs next to Grandma. She'll probably not know the difference. Tell her they're distant relatives.

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We can’t ignore the truth that Hamas uses human shields

Why not? It's one easy way to be antisemitic while pretending that you're not.

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Cooking chat: Do you need to rinse rice?

No. The mice feces mixed into it is what gives it its tang.

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Bonobos, like humans, cooperate with unrelated members of other groups

Primatologists prefer to term them traitors instead of turncoats (as they do humans) because Bonobos usually like to go around completely in the nude (thereby no coats).

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Moldovan leader's dog bites Austrian president

Afterwards, the old does your dog bite/that is not my dog bit.

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Gaza hospital boss says no water or oxygen left

Guess they should have started their evacuations when the Israelis warned them to.

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Netanyahu admits casualties failings but blames Hamas

Anybody who solely blames Netanyahu for October 7th had better answer for what they were doing or did themselves to prevent it. Netanyahu is using the wrong approach to answer his critics.

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Donald Trump Posts Tirade Against Judge, Court Clerk Hours After Gag Order Paused

I guess gag orders do work on The Big Mouth.

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Immediate Possibility Of Starvation’: UN Stops Delivery To Gaza Amid Comms Blackout

Somebody should condemn the UN's inhumanity. In fact, I will. And, please: No excuses! If nobody wants to hear any excuses from Israel, then I for one certainly don't want to hear any excuses from the UN either.

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Biden Signs A Bill Averting A Government Shutdown For Now

Sez he already has the next Shutdown bill signed so that when the Congress sends it to him in the next week or ten days he won't waste any time. Yes, it doesn't make any sense, but that's the way most things are these days in Washington

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Why Some Seniors Are Choosing Pot Over Pills

Them hippies are gett'n real old now.

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I Knew U.S. Military Aid Would Kill Civilians and Undermine Israeli Security. So I Quit.

In every bunch there's always at least one nut.

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When It Comes to Disdain for Democracy, Trump Has Company

The fight for democracy is often left to a tenacious ferocious few who know it is the best way on earth to secure the benefits of our humanity to every one of us. Therefore do not be cowered, or surprised that the vast majorities out there will go along with anything [whatever, evil or perhaps worse]: Just remain steadfast yourself and the world may yet turn out all right!

Democracy is not merely some ideal: Democracy is mankind's highest aspiration--The first thing that mankind must work to achieve if it wants to achieve all else it would like to achieve for itself. The laws we fashion towards the rule of democracy are the steps towards Paradise:

The purpose of democracy is to help one another. That is why anyone who commits a crime is perverting democracy. And why criminals like Trump so seldom advocate democracy.

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Work Advice: How much notice should I give before retiring?

Just get up & go.
Eventualy they'll know.
And when they do:
Only SS cash 4 you!

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Is it true that thawing a turkey on the counter can make you sick?

No. It will not: Go right ahead and thaw your turkey overnight in your bed with you if you like: I can assure you that it will not make me in the least bit sick. [I feel like Donald Trump giving out medical advice.]

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Joe Biden: The U.S. won’t back down from the challenge of Putin and Hamas

Unless it has to. Yes, we know.

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The most British TV show ever made?

Vicious.

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How clocks have shaped civilisation

Now we all live minute to minute.

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Trump Says He Weighed Stopping Jan. 6 ‘Problem’ All By Himself, Audio Reveals

Claims he didn't do it in order to make himself look bad. [Makes sense to me.] But be of good cheer:

Criminals like Trump are never really happy until they finally land themselves in prison.

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Napoleon's hat sells for €1.9m at auction -- The black bicorne felt hat was a trademark of the French emperor, and was sold above estimates.

I'm not surprised. You have any idea how many lunatics out there would love to sport the actual Napoleon hat!

The Osenat auction house sez that it would have loved to also sell one of Napoleon's underwears but, strangely, so far they've never found any.

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Why Georgia Republicans Are Protecting the DA Who Indicted Trump

Because Trump on more than one occasion has threatened to throw them all in his deepest dungeons once he becomes Emperor of The United States? [I wonder if Trump might have been the one who bought that Napoleon hat...]

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Trump Attends His Sister’s Funeral, but Does Not Speak

Sure. Trump's motto is: 'If you don't have anything good to say about somebody, don't say nothing.'

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South Korea unveils plan to ban dog meat by 2027

Darn! I hate those veggie dogs myself.

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Don Walsh, Navy officer who reached ocean’s deepest spot, dies at 92

At 92 fathoms?

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Colorado judge rules Trump can be on ballot, but says he ‘engaged’ in insurrection

If you were found guilty of stealing some bauble you can be damn sure this same judge would never in a million years let you just walk away diddly scot-free after declaring you guilty. Trump, though, is always another story.

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Carolyn Hax chat: My brother is divorcing his wife because she’s ‘let herself go’

Really? I wonder how's he gonna catch up with her to have her sign the divorce papers?

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Miss Manners: Cousin always invites me to dinner and then cancels

Super! This is your golden chance to be gracious without it ever costing you anything: Always accept her invitation and then take off to see a movie!

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The chilling discovery Army Rangers made when the U.S. invaded Grenada

If it's not that they had far too many ice cubes stored away there then I don't really think I wanna hear about it.

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Colorado’s football team is winning online, despite losing on the field

If Deion Sanders is a Republican then he should definitely run for president.

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Yahya Sinwar's 1989 interrogation reveals Hamas leader's cruelty, ruthlessness

Well, that explains why he was so easily blinded to the terrible consequences of his vile acts to his own Palestinian people: Criminals like this always think about the pain that their crimes might inflict on others and seldom about the pain crimes like theirs might inflict on themselves--What Hamas did to the Israelis is beyond humanity. But, too, what Hamas did to the Gazans is really unforgivable.

Iran enriches more uranium as Gaza war rages, US election looms - analysis

Iran is racing towards ruin just like the Gazans [and perhaps maybe even to oblivion] instead of overthrowing their murderous regime and saving themselves (from hating the rest of mankind).

The purpose of humanity is to forgive ourselves, for in forgiving others it is ourselves we forgive.

O God, what further miseries must we endure? You have short-changed us in wisdom--Is it to watch us gnawing like dumb animals at each others' skulls? Why must You begrudge us but the small bit of wisdom that it takes to know that when we bless others with our love it is ourselves we're blessing? The small wisdom it takes to see that when we bestow our love on each other it will be the end of our woes! Or dull my poor mind, my God, that I will no longer need to reason their stupid sufferings.

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Putin critic Girkin wants Russia presidential run

Sez he's already mapped out his run all the way to Australia.

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Do you need to tip a self-service kiosk? Here’s how to deal with the many requests for tips.

Rule Number One: You never have to tip if you're never going back there.

Rule Number Two: Tip more than you have to if you are (ever even thinking of going back there).

And by the way, don't ever go back after not tipping wearing a fake moustache: I did, and had to dine on a very spitty-tasting meal. [Yes, it is noticeable.]

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Bowen: Ceasefire demands will grow without proof of Hamas HQ at Al-Shifa

And it will grow just the same without any such proof: Israel, choose your poison!

Evidence confirms Israel’s al-Shifa claims, so critics move the goal posts

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House Ethics Committee Chair Files Resolution To Expel George Santos From Congress

Santos sez he will stick to the sole of the House like dog crap. [pun]

****************************************************

Trump Lawyers Assail Judge Ahead Of Gag Order Ruling In Jan. 6 Case

You know, in my day, only lawyers who had recently graduated from an insane asylum might threaten & insult judges before whom they were scheduled to appear. I have no idea what might be going on in these judges' minds today!

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Iran, Houthis attack with impunity in Red Sea - analysis

Criminals who face no consequences will always escalate their crimes.

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Who can beat The Donald? The Rock.

Great, now even liberals are advocating violence!

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U.N. experts warn of genocidal incitement by Israeli officials

Wow! It's a good thing at least the U.N. doesn't have to give out warnings about Hamas wanting to do any genocides! [sarcasm]

Jordan doubts Israel can wipe out Hamas, vows to stop Gaza 'displacement' -- "Hamas cannot be in control of Gaza any longer, Only the Palestinian Authority (PA), the Western-backed entity that exercises limited self-rule in the West Bank, could run Gaza after the Israel-Hamas war is over," European Union foreign policy chief Josep Borrell told the Manama Dialogue, an annual conference on foreign and security policy.

Of course, Israeli forces are combing through the West Bank every day capturing more and more Hamas operatives there: If it weren't because Abbas has refused to hold elections there Hamas would be in control of the West Bank now.

Is it really such a good idea to place Gaza under the Palestinian Authority if you [really] don't want Hamas to be in charge of Gaza? I wonder.

It is very easy for Mr. Borrell to sit up at the United Nations and so calmly pontificate that he is entitled to dictate how the Israelis should save themselves from being butchered by their Gazan neighbors in the future: It is not Josep Borrell's children that will have to be sent into Gaza to shed blood and lives there in order to end the decay & corruption of Hamas, its blind mindless butchery. No. It is the Israelis who must watch their young men & women march into Gaza and risk everything, up to their lives, in order to rid this great evil from not just the seared flesh of Israel but from the whole body of the world itself, because the vile rage of butchery that lives in Hamas will die only with Hamas itself:

Mr. Borrell is not even worth replying to in human words: He won't understand them. I would just seal a big stinking fart in a brown paper bag and mail it to him: Tell him to choke on it.

Palestinians in Gaza, West Bank strongly support Hamas, October 7 attack

Palestinian Authority claims Israel, not Hamas, committed Re'im massacre

Netanyahu indicates Israel will oppose Palestinian Authority’s return to Gaza after war -- “I will tell you what there will not be. There will not be Hamas,” he says. “There will also not be a civil authority that educates its children to hate Israel, to kill Israelis, to eliminate the State of Israel. There cannot be an authority that pays the families of murderers [amounts] based on the number they murdered. There cannot be an authority whose leader still has not condemned the terrible [October 7] massacre 30 days later,” the premier says, referring to PA President Mahmoud Abbas. “That cannot be."

I think the Prime Minister of Israel has a much higher moral authority to require and decree what must happen in Gaza than does Josep Borrell and on this I care not who disagrees with me.

Palestinian minister: Hamas's October 7 massacre of Israelis 'heroic'

Gazan who escaped to Israel, converted to Judaism shares his story

I am an old man now and death is here standing impatiently next to me fingering a silver coin. Let this warning reach you, Israel, even from my grave:

Don't let Pakistan surprise you like Hamas did in Gaza, because Pakistan has the bomb & a question mark in its soul. Do not let Iran surprise you, because they are doing all that they can to get hold of it also. Do not let Syria or even Saudi Arabia surprise you either, because a surprise is precisely what one never expects. And, as well, do not let Turkey surprise you, because Erdogan's hatred will go with him to his grave. No matter what any of them or others tell you, man's true nature is hewn into the very bones that holds up his make, trust that. [And, if you must use nuclear weapons someday against Iran, first target Iran's cavernous nuclear sites in order to give them a chance to pull back from the doom they're embarking on--because all human beings must always do everything in their power to save all other human beings even unto the point where their own deaths is the one anything that will no longer let them continue on saving lives.]

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Meet the tree tenders

"What! .74 cents for this one? It's a 400 years old birch, b****!"

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French performers lead a silent Paris march for peace between Israelis and Palestinians

When mimes march do they really go anywhere?

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The fierce battle over junk fees that cost consumers billions of dollars a year

One man's billions of dollars a year in junk fees are another man's billions of dollars a year treasure of food on the table.

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Russia pardons its most gruesome prisoners to join the military

Russia still has prisoners who are not in the military?!? Well, I guess now it will not be just 'the least gruesome Russians' who will be out there in the street.

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Miss Manners: I can’t enjoy a concert when the audience makes so much noise

There are people in this world who pay attention to the music and then there are people who pay attention only to the audience: If you're one of the latter people then you've made the right choice going where there is an audience for you.

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Carolyn Hax: Husband asks spouse to annoy his parents to motivate them to leave

Or, what's coming your way after he gets rid of his parents.

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What happens after Donald Trump’s ‘final battle’?

Well, he's pretty advanced in years now, so the ole hole in the ground is probably a good bet. And make it a deep one: You don't want him stinking up the place any more than he already has.

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These worms could help solve our plastic pollution problem

Serious researchers never do get any respect.

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Why you age slower on a plane

Well, I've been on a plane, and even though my watch continued moving time indeed seemed at a standstill.

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Why Long-Term Care Insurance Falls Short for So Many

Duh! Because it is designed that way in order to maximize profits.

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How do I find someone to do my will? Read Michelle Singletary’s answer.

1) have kids
2) have your son marry some low self-esteem ill-lucked girl
3) work your way up to Boss by kissing lots of big asses
4) lie like Trump stupidly to the moron mob

Really not that hard to do: Most of us are already doing the will of the countless of clowns & the oodles & oodles of dolts now!

‘Pieces Of S**t’: New Book Divulges Trump’s Private ‘Colorful Language’ On Evangelicals

Oh, and, by the way: Make sure you insult them: They love that!

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I Texted My Friend For Years After She Died. Then I Received A 5-Word Reply That Left Me Shaken.

I remember the original 1950's Twilght Zone episode of this story. But Rod Serling used a regular landline telephone back then because he couldn't get hold of a smart phone, I guess.

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Can you still serve a fallen turkey?

Do you have any idea how many people are still serving Trump this Thanksgiving! Sure! You betcha!

Legal Experts Burst Trump’s Bubble Over New Ruling: Actually ‘Very Worst Decision' For Him

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Miss Manners: My friend’s husband told me I wear too much makeup

No one really needs to wear makeup. Too much of it is what makes clowns. My mother never wore makeup. She looked like an orangutan, yes, but orangutans are very popular at the zoo; and very loving animals, as was my mother (this didn't come out right). But I guess this is why I like the orangutans, and have never really been particularly fond of clowns.

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Ask Amy: I have a distant relationship with my ‘self-indulgent’ mom

Look in the mirror: Mothers are suckers for a child's love; and suffer the cruel sting of a child's scorn many & many times harsher than any vile stab from the most foul stranger on this evil earth.

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Indonesia called for more pressure on Israel after a strike on a Gaza hospital it helped build.

Indonesia should be thankful instead: Israel is clearing out all of the terrorists from it so that Indonesia can come back and rebuild it again, this time strictly as a hospital whose sole purpose is to help people in need, not help hide murderers--And now that Indonesia won't have to clear out the Hamas terrorists itself maybe this time the hospital staff won't let the terrorists back in; you know, have its medical staff quit it en masse if the terrorists try to take it over again or something medically ethical like that.

Israel confirms detention of al-Shifa Hospital chief

If this guy didn't authorize & orchestrate his hospital becoming part & parcel of the Hamas terrorist organization, he certain condoned it and did all he could to deny there was even any connection to it.

Live now: What would peace between the Israelis and Palestinians look like? I’m answering your questions.

I do not know about all of the Palestinians, but if Israel is forced to make some sort of political settlement in Gaza by the deaf & dumb world before Israel can achieve the high moral purpose of getting rid of Hamas there forever then let us sincerely hope it is that all Hamas members who lay down their arms are given safe passage out of Gaza to wherever the Hell they go--Those who remain behind should be hunted down then like the dogs they are.

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Stuck at a Thanksgiving dinner with nothing to say? We can help.

Put the turkey's head in your mouth and then bring it out slowly beak first. I've always found this old gag to be a crowd pleaser, especially among the kids. You can try it on Grandma, sure, but I doubt she'll appreciate it much. [For the MAGAners & idiots out there: This is only a joke--Don't try it.]

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House Speaker Mike Johnson Visits Donald Trump At Mar-A-Lago

"Master, they are laughing at me and calling me names!"

"Fear not, my dear little Renfield. I will protect you. When I rule over them they will be cockroaches & sundry other bugs before you!"

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Does red wine give you headaches? Buy a cheaper bottle, scientists say.

But don't stop drinking, right?

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Capitol Rioter Convicted After Judge Slams His Defense As ‘Gobbledygook’

In rioter's defense: ‘Gobbledygook’ is pretty much the reason these lost souls rioted on Jan. 6 (Donald Trump's ‘gobbledygook’).

Former Sen. Claire McCaskill Says 1 Trait Makes Trump ‘Even More Dangerous’ Than Hitler -- Trump just wants “to look in the mirror and see a guy who’s president,” she claimed. “All he cares about is selfish, self-promotion. That’s the only philosophy he has, which makes him even more dangerous because he has actually said out loud it would be OK to terminate the Constitution to keep him in power. He said this. He actually said those words.”

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Napoleon complex? The ‘little corporal’ was actually taller than average.

Not when he was a corporal.

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AI can’t write my books yet, but it still took my author photos

Did it portray you at all with something of a swell head?

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I have too many friends, and I can’t keep up! Carolyn Hax readers give advice.

One word: Vigra.

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Kim Jong Un hails 'space power' with spy satellite

Sez that the power of space in his head is what will drive him from here on out.

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Oscar Pistorius to be freed on parole

Oscar Pistorius, the inventor of the fart? I thought he'd been very deservedly given life without any chance of parole.

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Putin Bristles as Other Leaders Criticize Russia’s Aggression in Ukraine -- Mr. Putin repeated Russia’s official line that the Kremlin was ready to negotiate and blamed Ukraine for rejecting talks. “Russia has never refused peace talks with Ukraine,” Mr. Putin said. “It was Ukraine, not Russia, which publicly announced that it was withdrawing from the negotiating process.”

What's to negotiate? Russia can put an end to this war today by withdrawing its army from Ukraine; because obviously Ukraine cannot just stop its own struggle to recover all of its sovereign territory. And that's how the thing will go unless Putin decides someday to do the decent thing and puts a bullet through his head. Although I doubt he is that decent. The best we can hope for is that the Russians get tired of getting killed for nothing and one of them then finally puts that bullet through Putin's head. [And, yes, I am advocating that for the sake of world peace and of humanity itself somebody please do so as soon as possible.]

Ukraine Launches Major Drone Attack On Moscow-Annexed Crimea

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Hamas's Haniyeh amid ceasefire: Palestinian martyrs are price of freedom

So Haniyeh is also in favor of Gaza finally being free of Palestinians then?

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‘Scream’ actress Melissa Barrera defends Israel-Gaza posts

What else is a criminal to do after he has been caught with no escape, except claim some justification or other for his crime?

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Many in Middle East blame United States for devastation in Gaza

They'd be better off looking at themselves in the mirror.

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Taking holiday family portraits can be tricky. Here’s how to get great ones.

Send your family on vacation and shoot selfies at home.

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Wild turkeys are disappearing — but no one is sure why

They seem to be going into doughmastic[ted] politics. [sic.]

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Just how germy is that shopping cart? We asked scientists.

What is this sick pathological morbid phobia of germs people have now? Germs are good. We have had more individual germ species on our bodies than we have individual cells from our very beginning and that's because we could never have existed without germs. Germs are an indispensable integral part of all animals. We are germs: Don't be afraid to pet your pet rat while eating your burger. Go french you stinking dog! Join your cat when you see him playing around with his box feces. It will do you a world of good. [Disclaimer: Just stay away from me.]

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As Democrats push to ban caste discrimination, some Indian Americans object

Higher caste I take it?

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A trade war could kill the climate effort. But it doesn’t have to happen.

And people are infinitely wise as well.

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How Oct. 7 revealed the moral vacuity of U.S. higher education

Get religion out of public education! Religious education is purely the worst sort of partisan indoctrination and mind-control, and has never had anything to do with either moral values or ethical comportment, let alone civic responsibilities! It is not for nothing that our wise Founding Fathers instituted a strict separation of church and state in the Constitution.

Rep. Kevin McCarthy Mocked For Historically Illiterate Tweet

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Bird species are being renamed! Here are my suggestions!

So the chickadee will no longer be named after my chic?!?

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Jonathan Pollard calls for hostages' families to be silenced, arrested

Jonathan Pollard has done more damage to Jews and to Israel than just about anybody else you could care to name: To Jews because he is the poster boy of those anti-Semites who claim that Jews never will be faithful to the countries where they are citizens, and to Israel because its relations with the United States are so crucial--How the Hell does he spy on the United States?!? What possible good can come of it, in the least! He could not have done any more harm to the forces fighting evil in this world than had he been [caught after years of] spying for Russia or for Iran.

"Yes. I have now definitely determined that the United States is not going to attack Israel." [Thank you. The risks were well worth it.]

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Flash mob robs Nike store in Los Angeles

Fortunately the only thing they were able to get away with was some shoes.

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Elgin Marbles in UK 'like cutting Mona Lisa in half'

Yeah. Compare the Elgin Marbles with the stuff that was left back in Greece [even after endless restorations] and then you'll realize just how damn lucky the world has been that at least the Elgins were preserved in England (where even the Greeks can come to enjoy and marvel at them now & hopefully for all time to come). Return them to Greece and they may not survive the coming wars with Turkey: Muslims are very keen on destroying 'especially' art they deem offends their national religious cult, which is pretty much a description of just about all ancient Greek art. No!

The Greek prime minister calls for the reunification of the artefacts, also known as the Parthenon Sculptures.

If this means taking the entire Parthenon apart and reassembling it (along with the Elgins) over at Piccadilly Circus, then I'm all for that. Yes.

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What we actually know about aliens, according to science

1) they do not wear shoes, so they did not come here just to tap-dance
2) they're obviously nudists (and don't require space suits)
3) they may be coming here to study medicine, especially the human colon

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Ask Sahaj: Spending time with my family feels ‘performative’ and ‘oppressive’

Okay, so now you know you're not a peoples-person.

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North West Brutally Criticizes Mom Kim Kardashian’s Met Gala Dress

North West? That sounds like something some crazy-ass immature Hip-Hopper might name his kid.

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Biden Hopes to Alter the Trajectory of the War as Hostages Are Released

Sez he would like to preserve Hamas as the overlord of Gaza.

Palestinian diplomat appeals for Gaza truce to be extended as EU and Arab nations meet in Spain

Ditto.

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Newly-Elected New Zealand Government Tosses Out Smoking Ban For Tax Cuts

Sez that without a lot of smoke the voters are liable to see what they're up to. Now for the more mirrors legislation.

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Trump wants a do-over on repealing Obamacare. That seems unwise.

Sez that he and his family could save over $12.95 on their taxes each year if the government stops paying all the damn medical costs of 'all the bums' on Obamacare now. That's worth it to him.

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Dead, wounded or AWOL: The voices of desperate Russian soldiers trying to get out of the Ukraine war

'You’ll die in this pit': Takeaways from secret recordings of Russian soldiers in Ukraine -- The war seemed senseless to him. Why wasn’t Putin satisfied with Crimea? What business did they have trying to take Kharkiv and Kyiv?

Why wasn't Napoleon satisfied with Italy, Germany, Austria, Spain? Why did he want to take Russia too? Megalomaniacs like Putin can never be satisfied, even with the whole earth itself.

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Elon Musk Visits Israel After Promoting Antisemitic Conspiracy

Apparently, when you're rich you can do no wrong; and that even includes being Antisemitic!

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Trump Is Hinting At A Military Power Grab — And This Law Could Help Him Do It

Walnut-brain syndrome: It is truly stunning to me that any American (let alone so many) would contemplate voting for a candidate whose open agenda is becoming their military dictator!

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Mary Trump Stunned By Uncle’s Latest Online Stunt: ‘Absolutely Out Of This World’

Don't you just hate it when your crazy uncle becomes president of the United States!

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Shocking Video Shows Disneyland Streaker Going Naked On It’s A Small World

Disney World sez that once he got on the little boat they had to wait until he finished his ride to grab him. And that "It's A Small, Small World' was purely coincidental.

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Will add more later. SDR

REMEMBER: This page is my scratchpad: Occasionally items which are edited (relevant & checked for factual errors) will be incorporated into my Tricky Headlines series [others with be purged]. For example, THE BOOK ON TRUMP will never be finished until Trump is finished (and, hopefully, doing a long & well-deserved stretch in prison... or an asylum for the criminally insane). We'll see.

Want to read more?

Buy the books: Each has hundreds & hundreds more...
[Thousands & thousands if you get the entire set.]
These are all real headlines--I'm the one who's unreal.

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DISCLAIMER: Note that my quips are almost exclusively all about the headline and the news articles themselves are in most cases irrelevant: Only because of the electronic nature of eBooks have I been able to include a [most convenient] search link to the actual news article... exclusively for the sake of those of you with a morbid curiosity (or a slow wit). But though I myself have read them, it is not really all that necessary that you put yourself through that too--unless, of course, you wish to find out whether my outrageous make of them might perhaps also be accurate (or just plain nuts).
S D Rodrian
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PERMISSIONS: As long as you provide the appropriate citation of authorship and Copyrights you may use [just one] of the above quips. More than one and you gotta pay me through the nose for their use.*
S D Rodrian

* NO mucus, please.

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SUNDRY OTHER S D Rodrian NOTES:

The Rules of Life
http://thesolutionisthis.com
The Stories and Poems of S D Rodrian
LATTER-DAY MUSINGS
.
Copyright Notice: Please note that none of the materials in this website are in the Public Domain, so please do not reproduce any of it without the proper permissions from the Copyright holder: S D Rodrian

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