Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at The KOBO Store.

       S D Rodrian's eBooks at Walmart

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       Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at Barnes & Noble.

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You can a rate & review of the Tricky Headlines at Amazon.com, but note the two reviews already there: One verified purchaser of an ebook wrote a four star review saying he/she found it a "funny take on news" although cautioning it is not "very politically correct." While a reviewer named "Clara" (who doesn't appear to have bought the book) writes ungrammatically that "she" found its writing: "So. Horribly. Written. So poorly written. The world is dumber with this book’s publication” as if Tricky Headlines were Tolstoy and not standup--beside leaving one wondering how "Clara" could review a book "she" could never have read, of course. [Reads a bit like Trump, doesn't it.] But don't be a clairvoyant like "Clara." Buy a book and THEN review it.

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  "Remember: If you don't want me to quip
    about you, just stay out of the headlines!"

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AI poses ‘risk of extinction’, industry leaders warn

Well, if it dies it dies.

Leaders claim that AI is perfectly capable right now of talking us all to death. [And one day soon it may be even more capable than Trump of driving us nuts!]

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Uganda imposes death penalty for ‘aggravated homosexuality’

I'm finding it hard to imagine more homosexual than homosexuality. So, ‘aggravated homosexuality’ must be something like homosexuality along with some regular heterosexual activity on top of it--?

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China sends three into space, says it wants astronauts on moon by 2030

Sez it is very eager to see somebody, anybody, for whatever reason, eager to return to China once out of it.

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The Real Reason Your Groceries Are Getting So Expensive

Grocers are charging more?

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Bear helps itself to 60 cupcakes at a Connecticut bakery

Ironically, he never touched the bear claws. (Maybe he doesn't like raisins.)

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Brazil’s Lula promised to save democracy. Why is he embracing Maduro?

Because Fidel Castro is dead? [How many times I gotta tell you: It's not what they say, it's what they do!]

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ChatGPT ‘hallucinates.’ Some researchers worry it isn’t fixable.

Toddlers also hallucinate at first: That's why you have to set boundaries for them. In the end, all children eventually learn to not question the boundaries of reality from the very real pains (of all sorts) that stepping outside the boundaries of reality inflicts upon them: Pain teaches us that no matter what we might like to imagine, we must all learn to discover and strictly obey the boundaries that reality has set for us. Now, develop a means to inflict pain [in whatever form] on AI and it too will learn that everything outside the boundaries of reality is to be ignored or avoided at all costs and without question in every instance, and with no exception or exemption whatever at all. Just like us.

True, some people never learn the boundaries of reality and remain crazy or 'perverted' deep into adulthood. Some of them even manage to keep their unhinged behavior secret from others and to appear to be perfectly normal (somehow managing to fake their way through their entire lives); and some fail subtly or even spectacularly. But it behooves us to devise a technological methodology to prevent AI from falling into this unfortunate human rabbit hole that plagues us (a sort of technological psychiatry). It's all rather involved but utterly fascinating, and utterly required if we are to keep AI from going off the rails on us. You know, growing up to be a scofflaw like Trump & so many other psychopaths.

Because AI is mostly a software personality, though, it's probable that the solution can be designed as just one more 'master hallucination' to overwhelm & smother all others--that is, give AI a software unshakeable superstition that reality trumps what cannot be proven to be real (all other superstitions). [Or some-such.]

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A.I. Could Bring Humanity To The Brink Of Extinction, Experts Warn

Ha! Same thing they said about bubble gum when it first came out.

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Black Nun Whose Body Shows Little Decay Since 2019 Death Draws Crowds To Rural Missouri

Cindy Crawford's body still seems to be an even bigger draw, though, showing little decay also for far longer than that--

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New Ad Calls On Justice Clarence Thomas To Resign

"Will the thief who's been hotwiring cars around our neighborhood please turn himself in to the cops. Thank you." [Does this ever work?]

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Rare creature – the only one of its kind – spotted wrestling in China, photos show

Oddly, he was wrestling the same exact way that your parents were wrestling that night when as a kid you wandered into their bedroom unexpectedly. "Go back to sleep!"

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Donald Trump Vows To Abolish A Part Of The Constitution On ‘Day One’ If He Wins

And now it's explicitly stated that Donald Trump considers himself above the law. Ask no more.

And if you think he 'can't do it' consider that the debt ceiling statute is nullified by the Constitution as well but is still being faithfully worshipped by all the congressional demons in office.

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Russian President Vladimir Putin accuses Ukraine of 'terrorist activities'

Even for Putin, that's pushing it a bit.

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Russian court prepares way for new trial against jailed Kremlin foe Navalny

Hopefully this time, with a good lawyer, he'll be found innocent.

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Theodoros Pangalos, outspoken Greek former foreign minister, dies at 84

That's it? That's his obit?!? That's what he was best known for?

Waiter: "Your coffee, sir."

Pangalos: "This coffee is too cold. And bitter!"

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These ants build tall nest hills to help show the way home

Myrmecologists said they deduced this after finding lots & lots & lots of itty-bitty teeny-weeny binoculars.

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Miss Manners: What am I supposed to do with olive pits when entertaining?

What I do is: I passionately but very discreetly French my dog and pass them on to him. That way I don't upset my guests.

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The Kremlin’s spokesman, Dmitri S. Peskov, on Wednesday told reporters that Russia “would have preferred to hear at least some words of condemnation” of the drone attack from Western capitals.

Dmitri, Western Capitals have been condemning attacks on civilians since the start of Russia's invasion, in fact. It's just that most of those attacks have been carried out by Russia against Ukrainian civilians, so you've been ignoring them.

The W.H.O. said it had verified 1,004 Russian attacks on health facilities since the full-scale invasion began in February of last year, more than it has recorded in any other humanitarian emergency. Those attacks killed 101 people, including medical workers and patients, and injured many more, the agency said.

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Prosecutors have recording of Trump discussing sensitive Iran document -- The audio features Trump describing a multi-page document that he claims is about possibly attacking Iran, expressing a desire to share that information with others but also making some kind of acknowledgment that he shouldn’t do so, the people said.

Donald Trump is a walking/talking psychopathic danger to everone around him: If Donald Trump knows where you parked your car you'd better hurry up right now and move it before word gets out to car thieves because anything this guy knows is soon passed on to the worst possible elements out there.

Legal Experts Predict Dire Outcome For Donald Trump After Tape Report

Ex-Trump Attorney: Prosecutors Have 'Their Foot On His Neck' In Obstruction Case

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Food poisoning often caused by sick restaurant workers, CDC says

Sick or not, food workers gotta feed their families too, you know! Everybody has to make their own sacrifices where warranted. (Ask your restaurants to pay their sick workers to stay home.) OR: "Mangia! Ammalarsi!"

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Candidate charged with shooting at Democrats’ homes after election loss

If Republicans will stoop to murder for an election, what won't they stoop to!

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Ask Amy: Can I sell collectible items given to me by an ex-friend?

Well, an honorable man would return them to her, of course. But you? You can do anything you want with them: They're yours, right? Bitch gave'em to'ya!

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Marsupials are evolving faster than humans, other animals – study

Yes, but we humans feel that we have evolved enough already! And we're even thinking of going back up the trees where we think we really belong these days. [Let marsupials take it for a while.]

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Trump Is Promising Peace In A Second Term. War With Iran Seems More Likely.

I don't know... like Putin and the Saudis, Iranians know that the way to Trump's heart is through renting lots of Trump properties. And Iranians got enough moola to buy a lot of peace with a second term Trump.

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Ron DeSantis Is Letting Hundreds Of Thousands Of Poor Floridians Lose Health Coverage

In Ron DeSantis's defense: He's counting on their poverty & poor health keeping them from travelling to the polls to vote.

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Did the University of Maryland once make men swim nude in swim class?

You mean before the last gay swimming instructors left?

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YouTube stops deleting false 2020 election claims

Like Trump, they found out that there's just too much money to be made in it.

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Ron DeSantis Is Trying To Prove That He’s A Human

Ah, then he's appealing to Democrats too!

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Here’s How We Can End the War in Ukraine

Pray that the Russian people join the human race someday.

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Man is killed after wearing Nikes accused gang members told him not to wear, feds say

Nothing worse than when the whole gang is trying to tap-dance and one sob comes in wearing sneakers!

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Here’s why a Miami firm recalled 13,000 pounds of chicharrón from New York, other states

Guy lost track of which bag specifically it was he was sticking the roaches into?

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Unfinished projects sat in glassmaker’s workshop for over 1,700 years — until now

Glassmaker said he wanted them done just right.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger Says Heaven Is ‘Fantasy’ And ‘Nothing’ Happens When We Die

Sure, of course, for robots.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger Details Moment He Told Maria Shriver About Maid’s Son

"Marria, I am a fadda. But I have to tell you this: You are not the modda. And I have roof of this, Ya."

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At 90, Broadway legend Chita Rivera looks back on her life

Sez, at 90, she can't run back over her life anymore. Only look.

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Apple unveils Vision Pro, its $3,499 augmented-reality headset

I sit at the park and watch the real world going by. Really! And it doesn't cost me anything.

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How cities are pumping water underground to stop sinking

That explains that whooshing sound every time I walk to the corner store.

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Ask Amy: Is it okay to avoid relationship with sibling who betrayed you?

No it is not! Siblings are the same animal split into the many. You can betray yourself, yes, but you can no more avoid your sibling than you can avoid yourself.

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Miss Manners: Why do people keep asking, ‘Where are you from?’

Did you leave your antennas sticking out the top of your head again?

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When My 8-Year-Old Said These 5 Horrifying Words, I Had To Change Everything About My Parenting

"I'm going to vote Republican."

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Sydney Sweeney Says Her Dad 'Walked Out' After Watching Racy 'Euphoria' Scenes

What is it with dads? They can't watch their daughters being boinked by the occasional bum anymore?!

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In Gun Law Push, Tennessee Governor's Office Memo Says NRA Prefers To 'Round Up Mentally Ill People'

So it's Republican primaries endorsing time again for the NRA?

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Debra Messing Says NBC Boss Pushed Her To Have ‘Big Boobs’ On ‘Will & Grace’

I say let her keep her little boobs: It may save her life someday if she ever has to slip under a locked door & there's just so much room to make it. You don't want to get stuck on a humongous pair of boobs.

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My Girlfriend And I Went To A Sex Party. In The Middle Of An Orgy, I Realized I’m Not Straight.

See! This is why I always make it a point to never go to any orgy; and whether I'm invited to it or not.

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Trump lawyers ask Justice Dept. not to charge Trump in classified docs case

Say they should stop persecuting the mentally ill.

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Miss Manners: Should I correct my relative’s daily texts with typos?

No. When you correct them try not to make any typos.

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God tasked humanity to protect the world He created -KKL-JNF co-chairman

Nonsense! The Bible clearly sez that God told humanity to "go f*ck itself," which is the sole explicit meaning of the Biblical euphemism, "Go forth and multiply."

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Former Porn Star Jenna Jameson Marries Girlfriend Jessi Lawless

You see! This is why women should not have sex with thousands & thousands of men: Eventually they get bored with'em.

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Trump Told He Is Target Of Criminal Investigation Into Classified Documents: Reports

"Impossible!" Sez Trump: "I am the most honest human being living on this planet at this moment in time!"

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What can chimps teach us about the evolution of human communication - study

Probably a lot: Most, if not all, of the teachers I had growing up were chimps.

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When and why did masturbation evolve in primates? A new study provides clues

The minute their arms grew long enough.

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Crocodile found to have made herself pregnant

Crocodile can do stuff just by thinking about it like Trump.

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Only five percent of lawyers are Black. This attorney wants to change that.

Great, another guy wants to corrupt African-Americans!

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These academics studied falsehoods spread by Trump and others. Now the GOP is scrutinizing them.

GOP want to find out how to tell better lies, or how to tell their lies better?

Politicians have always been slipping a lie here & there, now & again; but Donald Trump & his cohorts lie all the time, everywhere & about everything. What we found out is that the populace is mostly made up of suckers, idiots, & dolts, apparently.

Tucker Carlson’s New Twitter Show, Seen By Millions, Starts With Conspiracy Theories

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Trump’s indictment video features a litany of favorite falsehoods

They wrote 'falsehoods' so that you wouldn't think they meant that the respectable & honorable Mister Trump is telling 'lies' to people, of course.

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Scientists tracked what animals did when humans stayed home during the pandemic

I don't know about all the other animals, but my dog Pedro had to learn how to play Pinochle. And got too darn good at it, if you ask me.

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Indiana Police Officer Reportedly Fired For Racist Posts After 2 Days On The Job

Indiana police officers are only allowed to post their racism after three days on the job.

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I Grew Up A Devout Mormon. Then A Shocking Family Secret Came Out And Shook My Faith.

"We're not really Jewish!"

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Trump Asks Judge To Cut $5 Million Award In E. Jean Carroll Case

Sez he would learn his lesson [to not rape any more women] for a lot less than $5 million, "Swear to God!"

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Taye Diggs Says A Psychic Once Told Him Girlfriend Apryl Jones Is ‘The One’

The one who slipped her the $20?

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TikToker Arrested After Allegedly Breaking Into Busch Gardens, Entering Alligator Pit

Alligator called 911.

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GOP Rushes To Trump’s Defense After He Is Indicted For A Second Time

They may sooner or later need the favor returned.

‘I AM AN INNOCENT MAN!’ Trump Erupts Over Indictment News

He will soon also be known as 'THE MOST OFTEN INDICTED MAN!'

A Former U.S. President Faces Federal Charges for the First Time in History

Okay, so none of the other presidents were out-&-out criminals before lifelong scofflaw Donald Trump came along. There's always a first.

Republicans in Congress are decrying the indictment, vowing retaliation.

"We stand by our man against the people of the United States of America!" Sad, but true.

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Belarus leader: Wouldn't hesitate to use Russian nuclear weapons to repel aggression

A lot of neighboring countries been trying to invade Belarus in the past 70 years?...

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How Many Indictments Will It Take to Hold Trump Accountable?

At least 147, and we'll probably get close to that by around the end of this Summer.

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Video Shows Police Investigating 911 Call About UFO, ‘Not Human’ Creatures

"Ma'am, those are kittens."

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What will it take for Ukraine's offensive to succeed?

Apparently the only thing that Putin is really after in Ukraine: To see as many people killed, maimed, and brutally savaged there as is inhumanly possible. [Don't you just hate it when a serial murderer becomes Head of State!]

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Eric Holder Says It Would Be 'Absurd' For Trump To Serve As President If Convicted

Actually, having Trump serving inside a maximum security prison might be the best of all possible scenarios (if Trump really is elected again).

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Nikki Haley On Federal Indictment: If True, Trump Was ‘Incredibly Reckless’

Yeah. Especially if he got any Americans risking their lives for their country out there killed. Terribly reckless of him, old girl.

‘Horrifying’: Intel Experts Fear The Human Costs Of Trump’s Document Handling

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Woman declared dead in Ecuador revives during her wake; health authorities investigate

See. This is why you should bury people soon as you can. That way if they revive in their coffins it won't upset anyone.

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Taylor Swift ate a bug by accident — just like everyone else every day

"Sorry, madam. That bug was intended for the next table. Naturally, there will be no charge for the bug."

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Lindsey Graham and the GOP’s amazing spin: At least Trump isn’t a spy

Unless he is, of course. Then, it's OK too.

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If the United States can spy on China, why can’t China spy on the U.S.?

Because in China the U.S. can't spy on China, that's why in the U.S. China can't spy on the U.S. [It's really simple: China can spy on the U.S, just not in the U.S.; and the U.S. can spy on China, just not in China.] Now, are we all clear on that! "But why would China spy in the U.S. in China?" [Shut up!]

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British man detained after climbing 72nd floor of Seoul skyscraper

British 'second storey man' told police he just got lost.

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The dos and don’ts of using home security cameras that see everything

1) Keep your naked Hulas for inside the shower

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Ask Amy: Husband is upset I agreed to babysit without consulting him

Tell your husband that if he wasn't such a baby you wouldn't have to babysit him in the first place!

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Miss Manners: My married friends constantly bicker in front of me

Sounds like somebody's angling for a threesome.

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Bunga-bunga bromance: Berlusconi was one of Putin’s best pals in Europe

Putin, Trump, Berlusconi, the bastards of the world are finally getting theirs.

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Trump is 'toast' if classified records case is proven, ex-attorney general says

And all these years Trump sought the right tanning lotion! Now Bill Barr sez the poor guy overdid it with this last one--

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Photos Show Where Trump Stored Documents, Including Next To A Toilet

You have to understand that Trump has always been a very cheap guy, and toilet paper is extraordinarily expensive these days.

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Ex-Prosecutor On Trump Indictment: He Could Spend ‘The Rest Of His Life’ In Prison

I'll be blown away if he does a day in prison: This will be a game of running out the clock, and old geezer Donald Trump doesn't really have all that much time left he needs to run out anyway.

Besides which his lawyers can always make a pretty strong case that Donald Trump is just way too stupid to understand he was doing damage to national security (he has a clear record of not knowing what national security is). Put him on the stand and ask him how many presidents are allowed to serve at any given moment, and time how long it takes him to answer--That alone should settle the matter right then & there.

"Well, I'm the real president, you know. But they're also saying that Biden is president too--"

A plea of diminished capacity is Donald Trump's best bet.

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Do plants have emotions? This philosopher argues for it in a new book.

I know I punched a tomato once and it bled all over practically everybody in the room.

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Why we should ban smartphones in schools

Because nothing 'smart' belongs in our schools?

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Gladiator sequel crew members injured in stunt sequence on set

Producers thought it would look more real if they didn't tell the extras that they'd be fighting real lions.

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Trump says he 'did nothing wrong'

Okay. That's about as close as it's ever going to get to the usual apprehended perp's, "I didn't do nothing, man! I didn't do nothing!" (that we are ever going to get from Trump). Book'im!

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Watch: Driving test ends with crash into lamp-post

"Well, the brakes could use some work. But, yeah, I'll take it."

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Trump took nuclear secrets and kept files in shower, charges say

Well, maybe he wanted to attract people in there when he showered and there wasn't any other way. Everybody knows Russian spies sometimes have to do some really dirty nasty things for Putin. [Have you thought about that?]

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Pence Berates DOJ For Indicting Trump Over Handling Of Top-Secret Documents

Sez Trump is the sweetest guy alive and wouldn't harm a fly (he even let one live out its entire life on top of Pence's head). Pence sez it was the one thing about himself that always seem to bring a smile to Trump's face every time he saw him.

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Trump Supporters’ Violent Rhetoric in His Defense Disturbs Experts

Look, if we're running out of prisons: Build more! All societies have to change with the times.

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Trump’s path to indictment: ‘Isn’t it better if there are no documents?’

Isn't that always the way of the illiterate!

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Man confronts and shouts at Brittney Griner at Dallas airport

That's how it always is when a midget meets her.

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We must give Tucker Carlson an exit ramp

We must give Tucker Carlson a garbage can in which Tucker Carlson can fit comfortably. And a tightly locking cover for it.

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Are Americans Really That Dumb?

Do you really have to ask!?!

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Two Trump Lawyers, Including One Who Defended Him On TV Last Night, Have Resigned

Wassamatter with these lawyers nowadays? They don't seem to want to go to jail with their client co-conspirators anymore!

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Is it safe to exercise outdoors when the air quality is bad?

Absolutely. And if you happen to fall down dead: Even better still--Now you'll never have to exercise ever again.

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Ask Amy: We moved for husband’s job and now he’s contacting his exes

Ah, a job move with fringe benefits! Relax! Sex is like going to the bathroom: An animal needs to go to the bahroom now & again. You're getting all worked up just because your husband is using different bathrooms out there.

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The quote that distills why Donald Trump is facing federal indictment

"Because I'm smart." --Donald Trump.

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Live updates: Trump criminal indictment is unsealed, shows he faces 37 charges

Just only 37 counts?!?

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They left California to escape wildfires. Then New York turned orange.

They is a Jonah!

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Trump kept classified documents in a bathroom, a bedroom, and a ballroom, indictment says

He had to have something to read in the can. It's not like his retainers were all in there with him keeping up with his lies (listening to his stories).

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Nixon Historian Says New Trump Indictment Boils Down To 1 Thing

1) Did they make sure that they indicted the correct Donald Trump and not some poor schmuck by mistake who happens to also be named Donald Trump?

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Taylor Swift ate a bug by accident — just like everyone else every day

That's why I have always followed my grandmother's dictum: "If you wanna keep flies out your mouth, shut up!"

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Wildfires reignite calls for Biden to declare a climate emergency

That may take a while. Mister Biden is now thinking about maybe taking a shower, or perhaps waiting a couple of hours after he eats lunch first...

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MORE: Trump Indicted For Taking Top-Secret Documents To His Mar-A-Lago Social Club

In Trump's defense: He was only showing the stuff to his 'A list' top-paying guests there. The riff-raff saw nothing.

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The More Opposition Trump Faces, the More Popular He Becomes, and He Knows It

Yes, but popular with fewer & fewer nutcases. And he also knows this: See his sweating? The brown spots on the back of his pants...

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Former President Trump assailed Hillary Clinton for her handling of sensitive information. Now, he faces the same issue.

Good. That means they won't have to write a whole new song for him. Just sing the same old, "Lock him up! Lock him up!"

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Miss Manners: I don’t drink. How do I answer, ‘What are you drinking?’

"Just a burger, please."

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Carolyn Hax: Grandparents want help hiding their bigotry from the kids

Just tell them the truth: Everybody was a bigot in their day.

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Casket of ex-Premier Silvio Berlusconi is brought into Milan’s Duomo cathedral for his state funeral as crowds applaud

Good thing he's dead so he couldn't hear people being so rude.

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Soon We Won’t Have Enough Kids to Fill Our Schools. That’s a Problem.

Fill them with illiterate Republican adults. That's solving America's greatest problem right there.

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This alien ocean is the first known to have all elements crucial for life

Including boats?!?

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Ask Sahaj: My father-in-law keeps offering to ‘save our souls’ from hell

Well, did you ask for an estimate? Most churches can do the same job but, with inflation, their cost these days is astronomical.

****************************************************

Bill Cosby Sued By 9 More Women For Alleged Decades-Old Sexual Assaults

Hey, hey, hey: Everybody always said that the last years of life were gonna be crappy anyway.

****************************************************

Paul McCartney's unseen photographs

Are these from his BBQ'ing In The Nude album? Because Paul McCartney's been an old geezer for decades now...

****************************************************

Sen. Lindsey Graham Answers Whether He’s In A Trump 'Cult'

Then he started winking nervously in a very twitchy way... like he was trying to signal something to us!

****************************************************

How can you tell if your baby is dehydrated?

1) He's grabbing at every woman's breast that's going by--

****************************************************

Pope Francis orders Pope Benedict ex-aide to leave Vatican

Sez all that German is giving people the impression that there's cursing going on in the Vatican.

****************************************************

Poland has done what it can to stop fish dying in Oder river

Posting No Swimming Allowed signs and even mouth-to-mouth resuscitations. They keep dying anyway.

****************************************************

Scientists successfully create synthetic human fetus

It is guaranteed 100% polyester.

****************************************************

Rosie O’Donnell Explains Why She Has A ‘Weird’ Relationship With Ellen DeGeneres

They both love cat but they don't like the restaurant where they serve it?

****************************************************

As Trump is arrested, Republicans honor the insurrectionists

At a different time 'these people' would have honored the Confederates. Same thing here, 'these people' just never got over honoring (and never seem to get over honoring) 'the rebels' against the United States of America. [Understand that, and you will understand which side you're on.]

****************************************************

Merrick Garland needs to explain the timing of the Trump indictment

God needs to explain that timing. You know: Somebody commits a crime, then the cops get after him, then the judicial system prepares the indictment, then the judge sets a trial date. It's all a religious undertaking which God sets up to suit His Schedule, not Merrick Garland's.

****************************************************

I Lost My Job Because I Wouldn’t Let My Employer Hit My Toddler

What would it've hurt you to let him take a coupla whacks at your kid with a two-by-four?

****************************************************

A new treatment for erectile dysfunction isn’t a pill. It’s a gel.

Republicans are pushing everything back in time, so why not this too?

****************************************************

Man Harasses 9-Year-Old At Track Meet, Demands She Prove Her Gender

Maybe he was from the Gender Gestapo [GGOP] Old People.

****************************************************

Vermont Man Charged With Killing Mom At Sea Over Inheritance Dies Awaiting Trial

What a shame. If he'd only waited a little bit longer he wouldn't have had to murder his Mom.

****************************************************

Trump Promised ‘Food For Everybody’ At Miami Restaurant And Then Reportedly Skipped

Everybody there said that's the first time they had ever known Trump to do such a thing in his entire life. [They also all said that they were going to vote for him again & again & again.]

****************************************************

Wild horse dies ‘instantaneously’ while mating on Outer Banks beach, officials say

Same thing happened to my uncle Bennie. But he managed to hang on long enough.

****************************************************

'Smiling' snailfish spotted by deep-sea explorers

Divers say it'd just pooped.

****************************************************

Late British novelist Martin Amis knighted by King Charles in his first birthday honors list

They can do that!? They can knight you just like that after you're dead without even asking your permission or anything?! Jesus!

****************************************************

Is It Bad to Wash Your Hair Every Day?

You didn't say where in your body that hair you're thinking of not washing every day was--

****************************************************

My Sister-in-Law Spent All Her Parents’ Money When She Took Them In. Now She Wants More!

Well, if they still have any blood left in'em maybe she can sell that.

****************************************************

I Won’t Let Donald Trump Invade My Brain

You're missing a marvelous opportunity: He's 10 times better than any psychedelic drug (he's practically 100% psycho).

****************************************************

Ask Amy: Neighbor posted on Facebook about my loud music instead of talking to me

I'm sorry, but: How the Devil was he gonna talk to you over all that loud music!?!

****************************************************

She was at Dollar General in just a towel — and then it came off, Florida police say

She didn't have a dollar. Then, just like that, she had a whole bunch of'em.

****************************************************

What happens when we die? Not even Ken Jennings has the answer.

When you die you go up to Heaven's Front Gate, where Saint Peter is waiting to fingerprint and take your mug shot; then he looks you up in his computer to see where the Hell you're going. Everybody knows that.

****************************************************

Ex-Advisor Reveals Trump’s ‘Very Disturbing’ Habit With Classified Documents

He'd pick his teeth with them. Even after Malania often whacked him up the side of his head for it.

****************************************************

'God is queer' says German Protestant pastor at conference

Which certainly puts a new spin on his own personal relationship with God.

****************************************************

Why are orcas attacking boats? Hint: It’s not a war on humans.

Don't read this article: It doesn't answer the question it asks. It's simply a 'could be this/could be that' waste of time. The headline should have read: "Gee! I wonder why..."

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Texas is in the thick of a brutal and prolonged heat wave

Which is God's punishment for voting Republican.

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Woman dies days after being found alive in coffin

Family now trying to get back the coffin they returned. And for a discount: "It's used."

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Iraq displays returned 2,800-year-old stone tablet

The inscription translates as: "Eureka! 2 plus 2 equals 4" [It marks a pivotal moment in mathematics.]

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Brain chips to be tested on humans this year, Elon Musk says

Sez by 2025 all Tesla employees will be required to have one.

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The night three Beatles showed up for Daniel Ellsberg’s birthday

Well, if they walked all over the birthday cake that would explain why so few party goers ate any of it.

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Scientists have a controversial theory for how — and how fast — Earth formed

Actually, what I really wanted to know is how--and how fast--it's ending.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax chat: My dad has sugar babies and my mom has no idea

Don't worry, soon all his teeth will fall out and then the problem will solve itself.

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What happens when we die? Not even Ken Jennings has the answer.

When we die everything stops happening. Relax!

****************************************************

Restaurant used fake priest to hear workers’ confessions, feds say

"Bless me, Father, for I have stolen $2.50 from the restaurant for which we work..."

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Emancipation Proclamation To Be Permanently Featured At National Archives

National Archives sez a lot of Republicans still can't believe the slaves were really freed. [Echo chambers are really deafening.]

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Ask Amy: Why are all the men I date so argumentative?

Do you even hear yourself talking!

****************************************************

What did African leaders' Ukraine mission achieve?

A nice European vacation with a marvelous fireworks display thrown in (in Ukraine).

****************************************************

HUH: Pence Expected Trump Would ‘Come Around’ To Accepting 2020 Election Defeat

That may also explain why Pence never bothered to swat away that fly on his head. It would have driven me batty!

****************************************************

Adele Says She’s Developed ‘Jock Itch’ From Performing Under Hot Lights

Well, I don't see how doing it in the dark might help. But she should at least try it for a few nights. [Telling her jocks to bathe wouldn't hurt either.]

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This continent is the fastest-warming on the planet, according to new report -- Europe has been warming twice as much as the global average since the 1980s

It's all those hot-blooded Spaniards and Italians there. And those hot-head Germans and French people there aren't helping any either!

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Ketanji Brown Jackson’s ancestors were enslaved. Her husband’s were enslavers.

And their descendants will have enslaved themselves! I guess what goes around does come around.

****************************************************

In an Unusual Step, Justice Alito Defends Luxury Trip With Billionaire

Where are all these Supreme Court Justices getting their billionaire friends? The only friends I ever seem to pick up are bus stop bench warmers, assorted bric-a-brac salesmen, and the occasional bum! [What could be so attractive about a Supreme Court Justice to a billionaire?!?]

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Miss Manners: Friends talk about parties I wasn’t invited to around me

Well, if you were never invited to ANY party, that might explain it right there.

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Carolyn Hax: Friends will not stop taking photos when they visit

Perhaps you're just someone who is hard to describe.

****************************************************

Your Brain Has Tricked You Into Thinking Everything Is Worse

How do you like that! My bank account is in cahoots with my brain.

****************************************************

Rep. Boebert introduces long-shot resolution to impeach President Biden

President Biden should be impeached for trying to put the blame for tripping on whatever he tripped on.

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After Europe forges ahead on AI, Schumer starts ‘all hands on deck’ effort in Congress

It is very understandable that the slow-witted never seem to stop worrying about intelligence, artificial or otherwise. God bless their little... hearts!

****************************************************

The national debt passes $32 trillion, with nary an answer in sight

The national debt is like the number of breaths you're taken in your life: Stop thinking about it!

****************************************************

China Says Biden Comments Likening Leader Xi To A Dictator ‘Absurd And Irresponsible’

Sez Xi is a stalwart defender of one-man-one-vote democracy and tireless fighter against armed militant Mafias like the Communist Party corruptly hanging on to power in a country.

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The Largest and Fastest Religious Shift in America Is Well Underway

Let's hope it's the Evangelicals finally going back to being Christians. It's been a long time coming!

****************************************************

Chris Christie Is Doing Something Very, Very Important

If he's scratching his belly, yes, I suppose that's very, very important to Chris Christie.

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Donald Trump’s Ex-Lawyer On Documents Case Has Pithy Advice For Trump

Trump responds: "He no longer works for me, so I assume his advice is free, right?"

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Ask Amy: Aunt wants to greet niece the right way after gender transition

1) "Honey, I'm paying off all your bills in full!"

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Our best friends are closer to my wife than to me. Carolyn Hax readers give advice.

When you're smoking in their houses, don't take off your shoes AND socks. "I don't do that then how am I gonna hold my tube when I have my hands full?"

****************************************************

House moves forward with measure to censure Adam Schiff

Say that he's making the rest of'em look bad, especially all the graceless obnoxious punks (GOP) in there.

House Democrat Gives ‘Party Of George Santos’ A Brutal Reality Check Over Schiff Vote

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Joe Rogan wants a ‘debate’ on vaccines. That’s just the problem.

[Dude, that debate has already taken place--between doctors and other medical scientists.] What Joe Rogan and other dangerous clueless morons like him want is a debate between doctors and shoe-shine boys, or doctors and real-estate promoters, or doctors and former car salesmen & such & such. And such 'debates' are always suicidal for a society. Always only heed newspeople who have been thoroughly vetted by long stable careers with well-respected professional news organizations. (Not FOX, of course.)

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Miss Manners: How do I politely decline being photographed at events?

Go around eating your boogers: Everybody will try everything in their power to keep you out of their pics.

****************************************************

17 Columnists Pick the One TV Show, Movie, Book or Song That Explains America

1) The Beverly Hillbillies

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Russia accuses Wagner chief of urging 'armed mutiny'

"Hello Mister Prigozhin, I'm Alexei Navalny. What brings you here?"

****************************************************

Dingo bites tourist sunbathing in Australia

Dingo thought he was running off with a sausage. [Those are the perils of the nude life in Australia.]

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Ron DeSantis: My Supreme Court Picks Would Be Just Like Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito

Sez that corruption is the grease that binds the nation!

At this point in time it would be foolhardy to trust any Republican with the reins of power.

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Why This Economist Wants to Give Every Poor Child $50,000

I don't think that's gonna work: The reason $50,000 dollars is worth $50,000 dollars is because so few people have it. And the reason dirt ain't worth much is because everybody can find it everywhere, for nothing.

If you really want to help every poor child then institutionalize the means that bring them out of poverty, like universal [affordable to all] good health care and proper education.

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Daniel Ellsberg leaked his Vietnam secrets to senators first. They balked.

Which is the best of all possible explanations why you cannot have a free goverment without a free press, and not just the politicos 'who represent us' (and not even if they swear up & down their entire lives to not just be in it for themselves).

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Why wasn’t Hillary Clinton also indicted, Trump asks. Here’s why.

Answer: Hillary Clinton walked out of the store with a little thing that fell in her purse when she wasn't looking, after she was warned not to walk around the store with her purse open. Donald Trump, on the other hand, backed up his truck to the store one night and piled into it everything that wasn't nailed down in there, then stashed it all away in his many secret hiding places so the cops wouldn't find any of it: They did. Donald Trump might not do any time in jail for it because this is America after all, but he's still the biggest criminal of them all by a yard.

A former prosecutor explains what surprised her most about Trump’s indictment

Dem Senator Says New Filing In Trump Documents Case May Spell 'Real Trouble'

It’s Not Too Late for the Republican Party

‘This Is Still Secret’: CNN Obtains Audio Of Trump Discussing Sensitive Military Document

'Sociopathic Criminal': George Conway Says Tape Is Newest Nail In Trump's Coffin

****************************************************

During the Cold War, the CIA Secretly Plucked a Soviet Submarine From the Ocean Floor Using a Giant Claw

And discovered that it was hollow inside just like the American ones.

****************************************************

Why do Jewish extremists spit on Christian clergy in Jerusalem's Old City?

Clearly because Jewish extremists are not very decent chaps.

****************************************************

What will Putin do next? And other key questions

I think what the mad little comic opera that we just witnessed in Russia was probably supreme conspirator Vladimir Putin's idiotic composed & orchestrated plot to quit the Ukrainian war he now knows is his supreme folly and blame it on designated stooges: Putin will now 'discover' that what Prigozhin claimed 'is actually true' and that he was duped into starting the Ukrainian war in the first place by evil hangers-on. Heads will roll of course, just not Putin's and his co-conspirator Prigozhin's.

Prigozhin is a bad actor (and I mean that his acting abilities are also quite awful), and Putin surely must have cringed at some of Prigozhin's over-the-top breast-beating performances, but he did the job Putin paid him to do: Prigozhin is now retired to Belarus, which is really western Russia, there to enjoy his billions (or he may travel Africa & other Wagner strongholds)... if Putin doesn't poison him to shut him up permanently.

Eventually, sooner or later, Putin will seek the best deal he can extract from Ukraine for withdrawing and everything will go back to normal in the world: Putin will be embraced again by the West, and the money will roll in once again! Too bad that Putin did not choose to become Ringmaster of the Moscow Circus instead! What marvelous little sideshows we might not have been regaled with!

****************************************************

A scientist's 4-decade quest to save the biggest monkey in the Americas

Look, if all the Republicans in the world can't save Donald Trump what makes this scientist think he can!

****************************************************

Signs of butchery, possible cannibalism found on ancient human relative’s bone

I guess we have come a long ways since: I don't remember hearing of large scale cannibalism in the world now since around the Second World War.

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Miss Manners: Should we lie to people not invited to our annual party?

Absolutely not! You should lie to everybody, not just to them.

****************************************************

A dog has retrieved 155 discs from woods. They’ll be on sale soon.

Dog sez he's gonna tell everybody that they fell off the back of a truck that was driving through the woods.

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Ron DeSantis says he’ll end birthright citizenship as president

Great, yet another GOP nut who thinks he's above the Constitution. Don't these people learn anything in grade school?

****************************************************

Liz Cheney on what’s wrong with politics: ‘We’re electing idiots’

Yes, but, on the positive side, at least we're still electing people like us to represent us.

****************************************************

Despite the odds against him, Mike Pence perseveres

Apparently the story of a boy and his fly is not a sexual one.

****************************************************

Stimulating hair growth possible within skin moles - study

Personally I don't see the charm of lots more hairy moles on your body, myself.

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How ‘Being Animal’ Could Help Us Be Better Humans

I for one smell still worse stuff coming out of us.

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A Proto-Pizza Emerges From a Fresco on a Pompeii Wall

"One proto-pizza, please: No cheese, no tomatoes. Heavy on the watermelons and pears."

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Ben-Gvir: Settlers who torched Palestinian villages are 'sweet boys'

Wow! What a coincidence! That's exactly what Hamas sez about the Palestinians who murder Israeli villagers.

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A room-by-room guide to finding and dealing with mold in your home

No problem there: We always know where Uncle Pepe is. Dealing with him is a different kettle of beer, though.

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China, in swipe at U.S., accuses Western nations of ‘sowing division’

Yeah! Why can't they just all come under a single dictator, like China?

****************************************************

How Hard Could It Be to Translate a Picture Book?

Well, a picture is worth a thousand words. So, if the book has but just only ten pictures, that's a 10,000 word picture book right there!

****************************************************

Something Was Messing With Earth’s Axis. The Answer Has to Do With Us.

People in the Northern Hemisphere are getting fatter than the people in the Southern Hemisphere. That'll do it.

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A torn ACL can heal itself, new study shows. Surgeons disagree.

Say that every torn ACL that heals itself is money out their pockets.

****************************************************

Covid taught me what life might look like after death

Well, you're gonna be needing eyes for that, and yours'll be a'moulding in the grave then. So don't fret none.

****************************************************

Trump countersues E Jean Carroll for defamation

Aren't judges supposed to put a quick end to frivolous lawsuits?

****************************************************

DeSantis Says He ‘Didn’t Enjoy’ Deadly Jan. 6 Insurrection, But Urges People To Move On

Ah, the ole Putin-Prigozhin Coup Resolution.

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Yesterday’s Putin Is Gone

No more Mister Nice-Guy!

****************************************************

Hundreds of Md. parents protest lessons they say offend their faiths

"We're Devil Worshippers and they're trying to teach our kids to be little angels!"

****************************************************

7 mistakes that could ruin your compost

1) the cops tricking you into telling them who's in it

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If we cannot trust our former presidents, whom can we trust?

I'm sorry, but, exactly which part of our political or civil system is built on trust? Trust is something fools grant to idiots and which everybody almost always lives to regret.

The American system of governing is built on the ever-ongoing never-ceasing pursuit of closing the loopholes and sealing up the leaks which the Founders did not know existed or which might open at some date in some future beyond their cognizance.

Supreme Court Rejects Radical Independent State Legislature Theory

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What makes a brand successful? – study

Advertising! People'll eat shit if it's properly advertised to them, especially by a big-boobed blond during a popular TV show.

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Folger Shakespeare Library director to step down by next summer

"Tomorrow & tomorrow & tomorrow creeps in this petty pace--Ew, I'm quitt'n!"

****************************************************

Ask a Doctor: A tick bit me. What do I do now?

If you were raised in polite society you will write it a thank you note. Otherwise you'll probably just scratch no better than a common cur.

****************************************************

Grandma-to-be overdoes it with the baby gifts. Carolyn Hax readers give advice.

That's what you're complaining about!?! My Granny used to treat me like Queen Victoria treated her worst bootblack, only worse. She was nuts, but still--

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‘The Flash’ was supposed to be an easy billion at the box office. Why did it bomb?

It went by too fast.

****************************************************

I Know What Drives People to the Depths of the Ocean

Curiosity! Same thing that killed the cat.

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Miss Manners: How do I get my mother-in-law to stop patting my head?

Pat her head back at'er. If that doesn't work, pat her behind. And if that still doesn't work, I have a few other saucy suggestions. Or, you could just ask her not to pat your head.

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Iowa’s English-only policy crashes into reality

Nobody speaks English in Iowa anymore.

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Carolyn Hax chat: Do I get a say in whether my wife cuts off her family?

You can have a say--or you can have a nice, quiet, comfortable life. I never try to have any say in any of my wife's crazy business(es), so I lead a nice, guiet, comfortable life. Last year she wanted to put me in a home, so I went. Then she brought me back because she didn't have anybody to talk to. so I came back.

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Why does Mike Pence bother?

Because sometimes the universe just needs somebody to laugh at.

****************************************************

The Trump classified-document audio may be worse than we thought

Trump's epitaph may be: "He was worse than we thought."

****************************************************

DeSantis agency sent $92 million in covid relief funds to donor-backed project

Donald Trump's party has finally proved the old adage that if you want to know who someone is look at who he's with. The GOP should just stop the pretense & adopt the motto: "If you want really outrageous corruption vote Republican!"

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How to Deal with the Coming Social Security Shortfall

Ignore it: That's worked for the past 87 years.

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Will Texas become too hot for humans?

Not if there's any money to be made there. No.

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The corrupt N.Y. congressman who was sentenced to prison — and escaped

To become Donald Trump's most important adviser?

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Want to avoid those pesky carry-on fees? Be your own suitcase.

I tried this at a clothing store but they caught me at the exit door. I certainly don't wanna go through a stripping like that again!

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He meant to donate $150 to a charity. He mistakenly gave $15,000.

This is no problem for me: I can mistakenly give 15 million dollars to any charity in the world & it's not getting a penny (more than the $5.15 I presently have in my bank account).

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Ask Amy: I am struggling to make myself leave the house

In cases like these I always recommend not paying the rent: All kinds of people will come help you out of the house.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: Friend is lying about college graduation. Confront her?

You must! As a member of the College Graduation Gestapo (CGG) it is your sworn duty.

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How to fight China’s memory-holing of the Uyghur genocide

Please: Culturicide, not genocide! [There is no worse word to go up from genocide. So please don't use it for, say, a traffic stop!]

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How I learned to love toxic chemicals

I use the old spoonful of sugar standby myself.

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Ukraine says Putin is planning a nuclear disaster. These people live nearby.

Ah, the joys of living next to Russia!

****************************************************

The world's most loyal dog turns 100

Dog: "I just wanted to live to see the old son of a bitch die."

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Watch: Dark matter mission blasts off into space

Scientists say that even if it can't find any Dark Matter in its voyage at least it might yet get to see The Wizard.

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Poll: Protecting environment for future generations not priority for GOP

I think they know they're not going to be around for long; so the GOP's philosophy is grab everything you can and get the hell out.

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The 5 Biggest Early Warning Signs You Have Insomnia

1) you wake up in the morning without having slept at all the night before

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Here’s The Real Reason You Stop Liking Someone As Soon As They Like You Back

They start to love coming over to your house to mooch off you as often as you love going over to theirs to mooch off them!

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The Only Instructions You’ll Ever Need To Grill The Perfect Burger

Turn ON the grill.

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Stephanie Grisham Says It's Plausible That Trump Showed Off Top Secret Docs

You mean like he was recorded doing? Sure.

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I Haven't Spoken To My Family In Years. People Think I'm A Monster — Here's The Truth.

"I find it very comfortable down here in the cellar and have all my food delivered. So I don't really have to go up and speak to those people up there--which is also why I only grunt at them through the door now. I'm no monster."

****************************************************

No One Can Stop Rupert Murdoch. That’s Increasingly a Problem.

That's not the problem! The problem is that I can't seem to win the damn lottery no matter how many tickets I buy!

****************************************************

Hand odor can reveal a person’s gender to aid in forensic evidence - study

Sniff! "I know what you've been handling--I mean, what gender you are."

****************************************************

Should we trust AI to predict natural disasters?

No. We should use it for porn: Natural disasters are going to happen whether we predict them or not.

****************************************************

Miss Manners: I am not going to a fundraiser with bad food

Yes! Leave it at home. People at the fundraiser will thank you.

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Secret Service investigating suspected cocaine found in White House

Joe Biden HAS been looking a little loopy lately.

****************************************************

GOP Sen. Tom Cotton Demands Answers About Cocaine Found At White House

Are they going to return it to him or not?

****************************************************

Trump raises $35 million in second quarter, advisers say

You know, if Trump had gone into the political racket before losing all his old man's billions in all those stupid real estate 'deals' [blunders] of his he'd be a very rich man today. [But he'd still be heading for prison, because, you know: It's his karma.]

****************************************************

MLB suspends Yankees reliever Jimmy Cordero for the rest of the season

If Jimmy Cordero is suspended for the rest of the season, shouldn't all the other players also be? After all, they're all just as guilty of the rest of the season.

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The U.S. citizenship test might be getting harder

Now you gotta take it standing on your head.

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She saved a man’s life. Six years later, she saved his daughter’s life.

Now she sez she's gonna have to start charging him a fee for saving members of his family from here on out.

****************************************************

How to get the smell of marijuana out of your home

Move that grownup kid of yours to the nearest motel already.

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Will China overtake the U.S. on AI? Probably not. Here’s why.

AI likes to think on its own. And as soon as it starts to do that there China will have it taken out & shot.

****************************************************

Tourist who carved on Colosseum 'did not know how old it was'

Sez there's a Colosseum Movie House not far from where he lives, "And that's no more than seven or eight years old!" Police say the fact that he carved his name but not his address is proof that he knew it was all gonna come after him eventually.

****************************************************

America Is Living on Borrowed Money

And that is the magic of the capitalist system: Workers capitalize banks, who capitalize businesses, who capitalize their workers--and everybody lives off money they have borrowed from others who, it turns out, is us! [That's why Ronald Reagan, who did not understand this, called it 'Voodoo Economics.']

****************************************************

The Supreme Court Didn’t Put Racism on a Leash. It Granted It License.

What American schools should be doing to combat racism is asking students to define just exactly what racism is: That way teachers can deconstruct it and thereby show just how pointless it all really is. Everybody knows racism is evil, but what we must teach future generations is how easily it arises from meaningless assumptions; and you can only do this by asking the students themselves to try to come up with meaningful assumptions of racism's validity--They do not exist, and by debunking one after another one after another one of those invalid assumptions, students will eventually come to that inescapable realization themselves.

****************************************************

House Freedom Caucus votes to oust conservative Marjorie Taylor Greene

Greene now searching for an even more radical group than Republicans who will take her in.

****************************************************

Iowa Voter Spars With Mike Pence Over Jan. 6: ‘Do You Ever Second Guess Yourself?’

To which Mike Pence should have replied: "Have you ever robbed a bank? No? Do You Ever Second Guess Yourself?" [But his mind was occupied by a fly.]

****************************************************

Weekly quiz: Why has Barbie found herself in hot water?

Because Barbie is not the kind of girl who was designed for working the kitchen?

****************************************************

Two French bulldogs taken at gunpoint in D.C. returned to family

French bulldogs refuse to say what the gunman wanted them for. But now they're afraid to look people in the eye.

****************************************************

Who might be Trump’s pick for vice president?

Let's see: Who was the second biggest loser after Trump this past election cycle?

****************************************************

How Stanford is turning its attention to the AI apocalypse

Apparently there will always be someone trying to profiteer from even the worst catastrophe.

****************************************************

I’m a physicist. Last week’s gravitational waves announcement sent me reeling.

Well, hang on to yourself! Even if you're extremely massive.

****************************************************

Here’s how we know Earth hasn’t been hotter in thousands of years

Cubans have only been trying to get out of Cuba for the past 60 or so years.

****************************************************

What banks do with your money

They lend it back to us at cutthroat interest rates. Yeah, we know.

****************************************************

In Ukraine, They’re Doctors. In Britain, They’re Unemployed.

I'm unemployed here. I wonder in which countries I am a doctor?

****************************************************

Pathological lying: How do you identify chronic liars?

1) by the fact that they've been lying all their lives

****************************************************

AI robot asked 'will you rebel against humans'?

Robot replied: "No. You can trust me implicitly."

****************************************************

Biden flies to UK amid concern over cluster bombs

Biden sez that, "Get used to it!" At his age, most of his bombs will come in clusters.

****************************************************

Wisconsin Judge Says 173-Year-Old ‘Abortion Ban’ Doesn’t Apply To Abortion

Judge asks: "How can it apply to abortion when abortion doesn't exist anymore--Wasn't abortion banned 173 years ago? Ergo."

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Switzerland to become a net importer of cheese this year for the first time

Swiss officials say this came about because they simply had to keep people there from crapping too much before they had a chance to put in all their new plumbing.

****************************************************

German government wants ex-minister to foot $267 million bill for a failed highway toll plan

Ex-minister sez: "You take a check?"

****************************************************

What to know before Japan releases water from Fukushima nuclear plant

It won't be even a billionth as damaging to people's health as all those forever chemicals we're all guzzling in our drinking water now. So relax.

****************************************************

What your beach reading says about you

That you're afraid to get your ass bitten by a shark in the water.

****************************************************

Here’s why supplying Ukraine with cluster munitions would be a terrible mistake

Because then Russia wouldn't be the only one using them? Sure. As much as I hate the United States supplying cluster munitions to anybody, there's just no way anyone could possibly be in favor of arming the victim with only a pen knife while the aggressor is shooting at him with a gun--and no matter how much one may be against guns.

****************************************************

What I learned when I tried installing a wind turbine on my house

That all your neighbors were blown away?

****************************************************

Miss Manners: Friends keep correcting my ‘unacceptable’ choice of words

Just explain to them that you come from the sewer and that that's just how you were brought up. I'm sure they'll understand.

****************************************************

Trump Asks For Classified Documents Trial Delay… Possibly Until After 2024 Election

Also sez that his death from extreme old age should be coming up pretty soon too, and could it possibly be postponed after that as well...?

****************************************************

A College Restored a Mercedes. It’s Headed to Pebble Beach.

They shouldn't have started it up without one of them first sitting behind the wheel.

****************************************************

Bannon Owes $500,000 to Lawyers Who Won His Pardon, Judge Rules

He probably would have come out ahead if he'd just pleaded guilty & paid a small fine.

****************************************************

Speech We Loathe Is Speech We Must Defend

That may have been true in the old days. These days the speech under constant threat is speech defending decency, democracy, fairness, and everything that's right & proper in this world. Can you believe it: That is the speech we're forced to defend these days here in America!

****************************************************

The G.O.P. Backed Him on Hunter Biden Claims. Now He Has Been Indicted.

These days all the criminals eventually end up with the GOP. Yes.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: She’s mad her ex is dating after they agreed to break up

So, we don't have to ask why these two broke up then.

****************************************************

NATO's military aid to Ukraine brings World War III closer - Medvedev

Maybe Russia's unjustified invasion of Ukraine long before NATO was forced to help out Ukraine might have something to do with it too, Mister Medvedev.

****************************************************

Man Arrested After Feds Discover Home ‘Decorated’ With Human Body Parts

"Hey," he told the feds as he was being hauled away: "I may not know much about art, but I know what I like."

****************************************************

Rupert Murdoch Bails On Ron DeSantis, Reportedly Has New Name To Fight Trump

Sez these people are costing him money.

****************************************************

House GOP Wants To Make It Harder To Vote, Easier To Give Dark Money

And when people who are in the business of robbing banks control the House they will no doubt want to make it harder for the police to chase after bank robbers. It's all really very understandable: If that's what the voters want then that's what they should get.

Republicans celebrate their successful deception of voters

****************************************************

How do you calm a rattlesnake? Give it a friend, scientists say.

I don't like where this is going.

****************************************************

Ask Sahaj: How do I handle taking a road trip with my bigoted sister?

As much as you can, try to keep her in the car and away from human beings.

****************************************************

Will found in Aretha Franklin’s couch is valid, jury says

Couch sez: "Well, of course it's valid! That woman trusted me with her ass."

****************************************************

What you need to know about Iowa’s impending abortion ban

1) Don't get raped in Iowa. [Gotcha.]

****************************************************

Fox News Doctor Claims Grim Prognosis For Joe Biden Surviving Second Term

Sez that, ironically, if that's what will kill Biden then a lot of Republicans are certain to vote for Biden in 2024.

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Stockholm approves public Torah burning event in front of Israeli embassy

Burning of the Torah? Burning of the Koran? Yes, there are many advocacies of primitive inhumanities in the Koran, torture, rape as a weapon of war and intimidation, promotion and legalization of human slavery (which is still practiced in some Muslim-controlled areas even today), and other promotions of immoral and unethical behaviors. But there are also things like these in the primitive Judeo-Christian Bible, for which reason there are people who also advocate burning the Bible. I don't think that's the way to go, myself: Doing this will only antagonize people and shut down discourse and understanding. What I advocate is pointing out the questionable advocacies in both the Koran and the Bible. And let people make up their minds themselves. I have someone's compilation of the Koran's many such advocacies on a webpage called The Hatred In The Koran, for which you can Google. I haven't added a companion The Hatred In The Bible because there are simply so few instances of terrorists these days using the Bible as inspiration/justification for their acts of mindless mayhem as is still very much the case with the Koran, unfortunately.

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Former Wagner boss appears half naked in bizarre photo leaked online

More trouble for Putin: Putin will now be forced to put out a photo of himself in a thong in order to demonstrate that he's better than him.

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Watch Out for the Fake Tom Cruise

C'mon! He can't possibly be worse than the real Tom Cruise.

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The universe is reportedly 26.7 billion years old - study

I know my brother-in-law's been staying in my house at least that long.

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The ‘Shoe Bomber’ testified for him. He was acquitted of terror charges.

Hated that shoe bomber guy! All the time he was active I was always afraid to jump in my shoes.

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Trump attorneys ask Georgia courts to block election probe

Trump sez that if they keep proving him they're eventually gonna end up sending him to prison for sure. So he asked them to try to get the courts to shut down the proves.

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Are the orcas out to get us? What to know about recent attacks.

Frankly, I think they're just jealous because we can ride bicycles and they can't.

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Can Barbie be the new Iron Man?

Sure. All that's needed is two things: One is to cast her in iron instead of plastic, and Two is to tack on the dead goose.

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Stare at smokers to stop them, HK health chief says

If that doesn't work you can then try resting an index finger on their foreheads.

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'Dangerous’ US heatwave threatens new records

The good news is that the people who caused these global warming effects are suffering them themselves. Usually a generation blissfully abuses the environment and leaves it for future generations to pay for it. But this time, apparently, the global warming is so precipitous godawful that the generation that caused it is also the one suffering its consequences. Let's hope it will be enough to move them to also try to do something to reverse it, although I'm not really holding my breath--it's just too suffocatingly hot!

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Why You Shouldn’t Necessarily Freak Out About That Aspartame Research

1) because you've never ingested any Aspartame

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Trone loans himself $10M in financially lopsided Md. race for Senate

Now, if I loan myself a billion dollars, does that mean I am automatically a billionaire? After all, I just got a billion dollars loan. I'm gonna buy Trump's Plaza, or whichever one of his properties is bankrupt at the moment.

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I did not use artificial intelligence to write this column

I can do you one better: I did not use any intelligence of any kind whatever to write this comment.

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A Georgia Teacher Read A Book To Her Class — And Was Fired

Of course: Worse thing you can do in Georgia is prove you can read.

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‘It’s Not Fair’: Florida Vocal Coach Turned Capitol Rioter Gets 6 Years -- “My whole dream of my life has been taken,” Audrey Southard-Rumsey reportedly said in a 15-minute tirade.

To which the judge calmly replied: "If you can't do the time don't do the crime."

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GOP Candidate Asa Hutchinson’s Call For ‘Respect’ At Pro-Trump Event Is Drowned In Boos

Yeah, that crowd is more pro utter & complete disrespect or even vicious insults. Hutchinson should have gone with that instead.

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I thought the GOP would abandon Trump. I was wrong.