When the news get too depressing these are the books to read.

Now, where can one find happiness? Always a good place to start is: anywhere a good, sound couple of laughs wash away the alternative, of course. And each of the Tricky Headlines eBooks holds hundreds and hundreds of laughs for the having. Here you can enjoy the hilarious, definitely not politically correct (PC) quips, comments, and invariably irreverent observations of/by S D Rodrian on today's news headlines collected in this ever continuing series of books intended most especially of all for the latest eReaders out there (each & every available tablet, computer, and iPhone you can buy).

In a world of serious, sad, and even quite tragic circumstances (a world in which about the greatest need is & always will remain the need for laughter), humor always is the point of departure here... ever the abiding goal of these forthright takes on today's so very truly tricky headlines.

S D Rodrian

[Below you can read some of their contents.]

Latter-Day-Musings / S D Rodrian
Barnes And Noble  KOBO eBooks

Tricky Headlines 5 / S D Rodrian
Happy Schadenfreudes to You Democrats & Republicans!
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo  Lulu

Tricky Headlines 3 / S D Rodrian
The World Is Funnier Than It Lets On
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Tricky Headlines 4 / S D Rodrian
Sinful Pleasures of the Anti-Politically Correct
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Tricky Headlines 1 / S D Rodrian
A profound treatise upon the human condition.
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo  Lulu

Tricky Headlines 2 / S D Rodrian
An Amusing Stare Into The Tragedies of Man.
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo  Lulu

Continuing this flippant series of hilarious eBooks exploiting the apparent inability of the writers & editors of today's "Tricky Headlines" to compose clear, unambiguous copy--Puzzlement, amazement, outrage, and the humor of their folly, silliness, ambiguity, injustice, intent to deceive, along with all the rest of it. Intended for an adult audience (think of these items as comics without the graphics). Every collection suitable to be the ideal reading companion for any seated occasion.
eBook Image

Do buy my eBooks and help me to topple Bill Gates off the top of that swanky Forbes's list. eBook Image

What, you want to get bogged down in some inane novel written by a tiresome pointless novelist, or you wanna laugh at the stupidity of Man?

[You may preview these eBooks at Amazon.com]

       The Kindle Store

              The Perfect Gift
            for friend or enemy
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       Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at The KOBO Store.

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       Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at Barnes & Noble.

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  "Remember: If you don't want me to quip
    about you, just stay out of the headlines!
"

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What to Know About Having a ‘Green’ Funeral

They pitch the corpse in a swamp tied to a rope and let it soak there a few days 'fore they haul it back out & pour it in the coffin. [Looking green!]

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What It’s Like to Be Black in Austin

It's like being white in Zimbabwe. [Human nature, you know, not racism.]

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Forget Mexico, Trump Can’t Even Get Congress To Pay For His Wall

What's the big deal? Just tell Trump to put some damn clothes on before he goes out his yard, for God's sakes!

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China’s Space Station May Crash to Earth on April Fools’ Day

OMG! It's gonna land on your city! [April's Fool!]

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Why Asking About Citizenship Could Make the Census Less Accurate

Hey, stupid: Politicos don't care about the census being accurate. What they care about is making the census into their political weapon.

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Regions across the country where home flipping is hottest

Hercules's regions that have lots of antisemites.
And Samson's regions with the fewest antisemites.

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State Department braces for Bolton’s return

Don't worry--It won't be long before Trump replaces him [in a tizzy] with Roseanne Barr or somebody.

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Rapper Killer Mike defends owning a gun

Sez his Rapper's License would get revoked if he didn't own one.

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Ex-Playboy Model Who Claims Affair With Trump Says He Made Her Cry

Everyone's attracted to everyone else for their own weird reasons, I guess.

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Why He Kayaked Across the Atlantic at 70 (for the Third Time)

Because the same great white keeps waiting for him out in the open sea and it can't do more'm the top 60s's why!

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Ask the French: Are they really rude?

"Well, that was a mistake!"

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Former Disney actor, 22, joins White House

She will be in charge of doing the Mickey Mouse voice-overs for President Trump whenever he can't think of'em himself.

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US cop kills unarmed man with pants down

"He definitely had something in his hand, Judge." [OR: Cop must have been holstering a couple of really heavy caliber guns.]

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Driver tries to hit 2 soldiers with vehicle in French Alps

"Soon as he swung that truck over his head we knew the guy was bad news."

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Romanian village pestered by brandy-drinking bear

"He just will not accept the fact that we've only got vodka."

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Sperm race funds rare bird's survival

Winner of the race will be given a cigarette.

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Does Justin Trudeau apologise too much?

Lots worse things he could do if he weren't busy apologizing, you know.

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Stormy Daniels’s lawyer pushes to depose Trump, saying Americans have been told ‘a bucket of lies’

Just one bucket? This is Trump we're talking about: Trump pours out nothing but buckets & buckets & buckets & buckets of lies.

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You May Be Using Your Child’s Car Seat Incorrectly

I do feel a bit squeezed in it, yes!

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These Are Society’s Worst Crimes Against Peeps

1) spreading black paint around the peeping holes

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People Want To Know Why Brooklyn Museum’s New African Art Curator Is White

Answer: Because his ancestors left Africa a long, long, long time ago. [It's one of the lessons the African Art museum wants visitors to learn--otherwise they'll continue to believe white & black people came from different planets.]

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Syrians fleeing war, bloodshed now stranded on Greek island of Lesbos

Claim Lesbians are the best.

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Pope on Holy Thursday urges priests to be close to sinners

"Way ahead of you." [Priests tell Pope they couldn't be closer to sinners if they tried.]

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No, bacon does not make everything better

I slabbed a whole load of bacon on my boss's head and it only made him an even worse boss!

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Judge denies Stormy Daniels’s bid to expedite case against Trump over confidential agreement

Sez that Trump is such a terrible President that he's certain to be re-elected for a second term. ["So be patient!"]

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An investigation: Had people heard the word ‘trillion’ a decade ago?

Yes: For more than 20 years or more now I've been getting at least that many overdue bills in the mail every month.

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The Fix: Trump says U.S. will leave Syria ‘very soon’ — despite promises not to telegraph military moves

I'm sorry, but, when have you known Trump to NOT talk out both sides of his mouth?

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Paleontologist Talks About Fossil ‘Find Of A Lifetime’ In Area Cut From Bears Ears

"It might be some kind of bears skull."

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CBD is cannabis that won’t get you high. So why are so many people using it?

Altitude sickness.

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Prominent Houston Pastor Indicted on Charges of Defrauding Investors

"The bum told everybody there was a God!" ["And that He needed some cash!"]

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The richest Americans get a $33,000 tax break under the GOP tax law. The poorest get $40.

In the rich's defense: The poor don't have to tip much.

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Trilobites: Why Do Cracking Knuckles Make That Noise? You Might Need a Calculator

Reminds us of when we used to drag them that many millions of years ago and they cracked naturally.

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Biggest Threat to Humanity? Climate Change, U.N. Chief Says

"If we had the right climate, we could easily put 60 ... 80 billion more people here."

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Russian Envoy Derides US Claim of Arming Taliban

Of course, the customary usual Russian "implausible deniability" finesse (defense).

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McCabe launches GoFundMe to raise money for legal costs

These things never work: I once launched a GoFundMe to become a billionaire and fell a couple of millions short.

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Bush Ethics Chief Warns Trump Insiders: People Will Go ‘To The Slammer’

Unfortunately everybody already in the slammer was also told this before ending up there.

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Suspect in school attack plot had 'unusual ideas'

"Macaroni... and Chiclets."

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Going Cashless: My Journey Into the Future

I can see it: That's pretty much been my journey to this point in time.

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U.S. Says It Can Pay for 100 Miles of Wall on 2,000-Mile Border

The rest will be paid by raising the toll on Mexicans crossing illegally into the U.S.

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Schwarzenegger Wakes Up From Open Heart Surgery With A Catchphrase

"Maghria! I didn't dooit! I didn't dooit!"

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The Latest: Pope Francis asks forgiveness for host of sins

Sez years ago he'd been the notorious Córdoba Cannibal serial killer.

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Russia to expel 60 US diplomats, close consulate

"Joke's on them: Whereas before Trump we used to register our spies as janitors--Now all our diplomats really are janitors."

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Yesterday’s favorite, Honduras whiplashed by Trump threats to cut U.S. aid

What a surprise.

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China lists $50B of US goods it might hit with 25 pct tariff

Sez US will have to hit their bads themselves.

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Bahrain's largest oil find estimated at 80 billion barrels

Boast that's more than enough to cover every living creature on earth with up to sixty inches of tar.

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Trump says he didn’t know his attorney paid $130,000 to porn star Stormy Daniels

"I thought she was doing it strictly for the love she bore me," the Twit Tweeted.

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Egypt sentences 35 to life on terror charges

It's encouraging to finally see one of these Mideast Arab governments becoming more pro-life, for a change.

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'Avengers: Infinity War' Directors, Downey Ask for Secrecy

Sez the movie's only worthwhile thing is the surprise ending, when the hero is killed. [Dude, that's basically every surprise ending in these type movies, you know.]

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Cool Jazz: Bowhead Whales Improvise When Singing, Study Says

Does not say if they considered that maybe they just can't remember the song.

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2 men jailed for killing goat at petting zoo in Germany

"Sorry, Judge: We pet every kid the same as we pet our own kids."

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Classic car found buried in back garden

"Ah! So that's where I put it!"

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Trump claimed his plan to put troops on the border is extraordinary. It was routine for Obama.

You should know by now every time Trump picks his nose it's like "the greatest nose-picking in the entire history of man."

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More dogs die on United than on any other airline. Here’s why.

Their over-indulging nature--lett'n'em stick their heads out the window whenever they want.

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Trump Calls Amazon and Other Businesses ‘Stupid’ on Twitter

Yeah: They don't use bankruptsy to defraud their employees and creditors like Trump's businesses.

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He Ate the World’s Hottest Pepper, Then Landed in the Hospital With ‘Thunderclap’ Headaches

Should've had a V8

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House in Texas explodes after being struck by car

Wouldn't you know it was the only house in the entire neighborhood NOT underwater.

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Catalonia's defiant ex-leader freed on bail from German jail

Does not say why the jail posted his bail. [Maybe he doesn't bathe as often as he should.]

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Trump threatened China with $100 billion in tariffs. Beijing plays it cool.

Chinese are morons: They should've known when Trump threatened 60 billion in tariffs he was just blowing it out his ass & would've settled for a couple of thousand bucks' concessions. But now they've pushed Trump into a corner, and a cornered rat is always a dangerous animal.

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Is Russia all out of oligarchs? It says it is.

Putin claims he's pretty sure he got all their wealth in his own name now.

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Germany: mother and son apparently killed by their dog

Dog used the gun it owned legally, as it was a guard dog.

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French mayor sorry for Ikea April Fool

"Ha! Knew he couldn't have slapped together his Ikea stool in under an hour!"

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There’s no victory for Trump in Syria, but he could court disaster

The best punishment the U.S. could inflict on all the evildoers in Syria would be to do nothing and just let them keep punishing themselves there. [Certainly the civilians there don't need us punishing them on top of everybody else there already doing it.]

****************************************************

Trump Denounces Raid as ‘Attack on Our Country’

For Trump, "Anything that gets my ass closer to the slammer" is an attack on our country.

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Don’t Get Married Yet If Your Partner Does These 9 Things

1) goes out of his way to run over pigeons/squirrels
2) enjoys tripping waiters/buss boys more'n tipping'em
3) is holding a garage full of tricycles "for ransom"
4) steals small appliances from your house every visit
5) boasts about the hurt he's put on previous lovers
6) throws rocks at old people walking out on the street
7) makes his money borrowing from Alzheimer sufferers
8) pushes people off train platforms in his spare time
9) claims there's no such things as a restraining order

****************************************************

Virginia’s Tony Bennett was voted college basketball coach of year, and he beat you to all of your jokes

Wonder if that includes the one about the clown who'd beat people up until they laughed because that's the only talent for clowning he had?

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Alert cat wakes owner who spots thief, leading to an arrest in Maryland

"I thought the best course of action," cat told reporters, "was to just let the two of them fight it out."

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We’ve seen this movie before. It ended with impeachment.

Yeah, but this one's a talkie, and in spectacular Technicolor. Enjoy!

****************************************************

Here's Why I Invented A 'Death Machine' That Lets People Take Their Own Lives

"Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door," yes, we know, Mister Ralph Waldo Emerson. ["Hey, Ma! Look: I'm a billionaire."]

****************************************************

Nazi legacy found in Norwegian trees

Most of'em are still standing there with at least one branch making the Nazi salute!

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Builders find mummified monkey in US shop

Does not say what they were building, but Monkey must've been quite a steal to make it into the papers like this.

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What did Trump mean when he said the U.S. missiles heading for Syria are ‘smart’?

He means they're smarter than he is.

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SpaceX Capsule Reaches Space Station With Food, Experiments

Guess it needed the food to keep up its strength for all that experimenting up there.

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Sex Abuse Scandal Casts Shadow Over Nobel Prize for Literature

So, what then... Lady GaGa ain't gett'n it this year?!

****************************************************

Fossil Finger Points to Early Humans Entering Saudi Arabia

Pointing was accompanied by creepy organ music.

****************************************************

‘The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven’ now wants his day in court

Claims God touched him inappropriately.

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It would be the world’s largest airplane. It’s being built by a billionaire. And it’s getting ready to fly.

It's so big they will be able to grow all the weed they want in it, bail it up, & then unload it all upon landing without having to pick up any of it in Mexico.

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A $4 bottle of nonalcoholic ‘rosé’ welcomes everyone to the party

Same bottle of grape juice without the ‘rosé’ label is $1.75 over at Pop's.

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After his new national security adviser gets enthusiastic applause, Trump says he might have to fire him

Should have told the audience to applaud Trump instead: This is a grievous fault in any Trump lackey--who is now certainly made himself worthy of being fired by Trump.

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They lured a sex-predator suspect to their home and hogtied him. Now they could face charges.

From the hog?

****************************************************

Russia accused of tampering with the site of alleged Syrian chemical attack

Impossible! What, an honorable man like Putin, a high-principled country like Russia?!

****************************************************

Nikki Haley finds herself under the bus as Trump shifts course on Russia

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Multiple shark maulings fail to keep Australian surfers from the water

"Er-ah! I was mauled three time this morning," said one Aussie: "But e-ah I am again Band-Aids & all whipping'em waves, mate!"

****************************************************

France’s Macron tries to walk back remarks that he persuaded Trump to keep troops in Syria

I've done this. Once I told people I had invented the horse & had to do a long walk after I got thrown off that high horse.

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Starbucks CEO calls for ‘unconscious bias’ training

Apparently scientists have finally given up trying to teach people to be unbiased while they're still awake. ["Can't be done, sir. Can not be done."] So instead they're gonna try knocking it into their heads.

****************************************************

Russia: Syria chemical attack 'fabrication'

This is the Russians' way of proving to the world exactly what a big bunch of liars they are (without actually having to say so explicitly).

****************************************************

Shaquille O’Neal Doesn’t Know Who The Queen Of England Is

In Shaquille O’Neal's defense: There are so many rappers out there these days that it's damn hard keeping'em straight.

****************************************************

Joe Wilson Reacts To Libby Pardon: ‘Trump Is A Vile And Despicable Individual’

Cohen: Tethered to a Raging Buffoon Called Trump

See! This is the problem with getting into public life, Mister Trump: Everybody finally gets to know the real you. [from the best-selling You Can Run, And Then You Can't Hide]

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‘Untruthful slime ball’: Trump blasts Comey as details emerge from scathing book

‘Untruthful slime ball’: Yes! Of course! That's the term I was searching for which exactly characterizes Donald Trump: Thanks!

****************************************************

NASA Rocketed Human Sperm Into Space

Nothing to worry about here: Just Trump's salute to the universe.

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Could Russia and West be heading for cyber-war?

Russia accused of net hack attacks

A few more such attacks and, yes, it could yet dawn on the West that they might be heading into a cyber-war with Russia someday.

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Gay vultures' chick released in Italy

Wonder how they got one of them to lay the egg.

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Russian reporter dies after mystery fall

Putin claims to have proof that the men he sent to throw him over the fifth-floor railing had absolutely nothing to do with it. [And everybody in Russia believes him, of course.]

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If You Own Guns You Don’t Want Anymore, We Want To Talk To You

Please call The Crips Inc.
Please call The Bloods Inc.

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PENCE AIDE OUT AFTER 2 DAYS

Yeah! Beat that, Mister Trump! ["Did. I canned Scaramucci even before he started the job."] Oh.

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New museum chief fiercely promotes African art, but faces a more prosaic problem at home

His family doesn't appreciate the fierce attitude he brings home from work.

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GM claims the Chevy Bolt gets 238 miles per charge. Here’s why that’s misleading.

Every time you step on the brakes it uses power, so too when you use the radio, air conditioner, open a window, turn a light on... and so it really only goes 2 and a half blocks [max] per charge. [Unless you push it, of course.]

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You may be surprised what retirement income is taxed and what isn’t

1) retirement income of those who need it is
2) retirement income of those who don't need it ain't

[courtesy The RNC]

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William Nack, prizewinning sportswriter and bard of Secretariat, dies at 77

Wait, what?... The horse wasn't writing his own poetry?!? [And here I thought it was pretty good stuff too, for a horse.]

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School Apologizes For Asking Students To List ‘Positive Aspects’ Of Slavery

1) iron-clad job security

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Greece: Man electrocuted at rail depot thought to be migrant

How drunk ya gotta be to think a rail depot was a migrant?!

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North Korea says it has suspended nuclear and long-range missile tests, plans to close nuclear test site

Guess Kim Jong Un reads the papers too & want to get a hold of Trump before they stick him in the slammer.

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US: Russia, Syria sanitizing chemical attack site

What a waste! What bugs could've lived through that?

****************************************************

Swaziland king says he's renaming the country

From now on it will be known as Joey's.

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Australia bank charged fees to dead clients

In the bank's defense: Not one of'em disputed the charges.

****************************************************

Aussies split over plans to trap peacocks

Peacocks split over not wanting to be trapped but also not wanting to be ignored either. Stay tuned.

****************************************************

Prague zookeepers use puppet to raise endangered magpie

Puppet would rather be working Vegas, but sez lucky to get any gig.

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Developers turn to offering renters 'micro-apartments'

"My husband especially loves the handy bed/toilet combo."

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‘The essence of life is kind of a nostalgia anticipation sandwich’: Philosophy 101 with Julian Casablancas

Dude, the essence of life is shit: Plants eat our shit & we eat theirs. [Then, when we all die: We eat them & they eat us. Still shit, though: Everything always ends up in shit.]

****************************************************

Ingenious baboons escape Texas biomedical lab for brief taste of freedom

"Sorry," the guard apologized: "They said they were foreign-exchange researchers. Showed me ID and everything." ["Frankly, some of'em looked more human than a lot of the people that work here."]

****************************************************

Richard Jenrette, noted investment banker, dies at 89

His last words were, "God! All I need's just one more lousy million!"

****************************************************

New inspector general report points to recurring government problems

1) government's being run by people who know how to work the system instead of people who know how to make the system work

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How to live it up without going broke before you die

1) find out when you're going to die, and then budget your cash accordingly. [If you're more short of cash than life, sorry.]

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Man exposes himself to a child at a Maryland store, police say

"I should have exposed myself to something less toxic, like cyanide or radiation," he later told police.

****************************************************

Do Americans need to adapt to America in decline?

When Americans no longer care whether their leaders are ethical or moral our "decline" is not all that far away from the complete collapse of the American experiment. Trump is a sign of America's decline: Really, the most important sign that Americans themselves may be impatient for that collapse.

[In unrelated news: Trump stubbed his toe today and then tweeted that this definitively proves that there was never any collusion.]

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Male fruit flies find ejaculation pleasurable, Israeli researchers find

You mean they don't do it out of a sense of duty?!

****************************************************

Squirrel Wins UC Berkeley Student Senate Seat

In squirrel's defense: He was the only one in class paying any attention that entire year.

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Copperfield forced to reveal magic trick

It turned out that when David turned his back to the audience he'd hide the elephant in a false tooth!

****************************************************

‘Overwhelmed’ Letter Carrier Allegedly Held Onto 17,000 Pieces Of Mail

Postal Service now studying feasibility of having each letter carrier hold on to at least that many pieces of mail in order to cut costs.

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Cohen Said He’d Take a Bullet for Trump. Maybe Not Anymore.

In Cohen's defense: He didn't actually say it had to be fired from a gun. [from The Lawyer's Tricks Handbook]

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Can You Guess What America Will Look Like in 10,000 Years? A Quiz

What do we get if we get it right?

****************************************************

Russia likely to deliver S-300 missiles to Syria

Russian envoy plays down tensions with Israel over Syria strikes

Israel has a life-or-death interest in Syria, while Russia has no interest whatever outside of parading Putin's puny balls before a snickering world. Is that what the Russians really seek: a nuclear exchange with a tiny country with which it need never have any conflicts whatever?! Even if a first strike takes out all of Israel, Russia with undoubtedly face a fatal rain of nukes (probably well over a 100 from parts of the earth Russia would never dream possible for a small nation like Israel)... a rain of death which won't even leave Russian cockroaches alive there. And for what? So a shirtless Putin can get on his horsy and imagine that he's as big a tyrant as Stalin ever was?!? At some point the Russian People are going to have to wake up and realize Putin & his gang of thugs are leading them down a path of pointless death.

Liberman: Israel will react forcefully if Syria uses S-300 against it

.****************************************************

Uranus Is Actually A Giant Ball Of Farts Floating In Space, Study Finds

I did suspect some of'em might be powerful enough to go that high, yes. But mine is a down-to-earth ass, I assure you.

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Shark attacks man who was bitten in head by a bear. Then there was the rattlesnake ...

Next up: "Balancing a black widow spider on the tip of my tongue."

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How to enjoy the alcohol that once betrayed you

Rub it on your skin instead of pouring it down your gullet.

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Man Shoots Wife Going to Bathroom, Mistaking Her for Burglar

In man's defense: Last thing you want is some burglar breaking in on you while you're sitting on the Crapper.

****************************************************

Scientists Find Lots of Gorillas in Census, Also See Decline

The gorillas seem to be living mostly everywhere the constructing boom is now in decline.

****************************************************

The Final House Intelligence Committee Report On Russia Defends Trump

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Toxic Caterpillars Invading Parts of London, Officials Warn

Anti-Toxicaterpillophobes already planning protests.

****************************************************

Former Trump Tower in Azerbaijan, Dogged by Controversy, Is Engulfed by Fire

Guess the old saying is true: Satan loves to take up residence at Trump's fire traps.

****************************************************

Republicans Reject Investigation Into Why Paul Ryan Fired House Chaplain

Patrick Conroy was forced out of his job after praying for no “winners and losers” under the GOP tax law.

Paul Ryan sez no tax plan can have winners without having losers. [And that he damn well knows whom he designed coming out the losers in his massive tax fraud.]

****************************************************

America can’t quite decide what to do with its first ladies

Well, guess we've finally laughed at them long enough.

****************************************************

Investigation at dead end in American University hate crime

Conclusion: Everyone hates as much as he loves. And as much as we all love to love people for what they love... we all love to hate people for what they hate. We also love people for what they hate & hate people for what they love, too. [So it's pointless to toss up this coin.]

****************************************************

Here’s what it takes to whiten teeth

Same thing it takes those big apes at the gym to build up their mountains of muscles: Lots of wasted life going back & forth or up & down. [Probably both.]

****************************************************

U.S. urges other nations to sanction Iran over ballistic missiles

Nations in the cross-hairs of Iran's missiles that will sanction Iran: All

Nations NOT in the cross-hairs of Iran's missiles that will sanction Iran: None

Conclusion: "Nations have interests, not friends." [Or: Justice means just-for-us.]

Now, one would imagine that after the historic debacle of Persia pointlessly invading the tiny country of Greece with an army of two million men (ordered by Darius, their 'Great' God back then), and which eventually let to the annihilation of the Persian nation by that same handful of Greeks... one would imagine that modem day Iranians would have the sense to say no to the pointless order of their current 'Great' God [whatever] to destroy the tiny country of Israel. But, no, apparently modern day Persians never learned the lessons of their own history. So now (not for their benefit, I'm afraid) that same lesson will have to be re-taught to them once again.

.****************************************************

Let’s take our kids to work and teach them about inequality

Yeah! We've been working there too long.

****************************************************

What sound does a penguin make?

Sounds like a penguin.

****************************************************

Hundreds evacuated a college library, fearing a gas leak. It was a durian.

Yes, of course! I was abducted by a bunch of durians once & taken to the planet Duro, where I met Mark Twain: [Funny guy.] Then they flew me back to Earth just in time for my release from the asylum.

****************************************************

Trump said it was ‘tough to watch too much’ of the Paralympics. Was it derogatory?

Has Trump ever said anything that was not derogatory? [Google it! Google it!]

****************************************************

Macron and Merkel have handed Trump a road map

Trump doesn't read [maps, anything]. He sez he'll find his own way to the can. "Thank you."

****************************************************

Five myths about artificial intelligence

1) things, objects & other stuff [cars, phones, toasters] will never become as intelligent as people

****************************************************

Almost half of pregnancies in the U.S. are unplanned. There’s a surprisingly easy way to change that.

Cut the pretense and just go on your date with every intention of getting pregnant.

****************************************************

Now Roseanne Barr Dreams Of Being Israel’s Prime Minister

Sez she might not be able to run a country but she can talk trash better than Netanyahu.

****************************************************

Some Democrats Want Clinton To Return DNC’s Money

Clinton can return some purses & shoes & pant dresses she bought with it, but the rest of the cash is gone. Sorry.

****************************************************

Swing back, sweet pendulum!

Coming for to take me some time. Oh!

****************************************************

Does Trump deserve credit for the Korea negotiations?

Yes. Trump is the greatest Korean speaker in all human history.

****************************************************

A rare eye cancer showed up in three friends. Doctors want to know if the cases are connected.

"Who you'all been peeping at?"

****************************************************

Roy Moore lawsuit claims ‘political conspiracy’ against him in Senate race

Sez the aluminum foil he's been wrapping around his head ain't helping him any, either.

****************************************************

Kelly denies calling Trump an ‘idiot,’ says news report is ‘pathetic attempt to smear people’

Sez the last person you call an idiot's an idiot.

****************************************************

Crimes are no longer a disqualification for Republican candidates

Prospective members of the regular Mafia will of course still have to at least appear to be decent, honest (or, at least fully rehabilitated) model citizens.

[What's the Trump Agenda? Look no further than Putin's Agenda: The taking over of a government by a Mafia without anybody raising any objection or a shot being fired .]

****************************************************

What's changed after Netanyahu's show?

'Something' had the BBC used 'presentation' instead of 'show' in its news headline. But same ole/same ole, we see.

****************************************************

Trump wrote own health letter, doctor says

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Kanye West suggests slavery was 'a choice'

The choice of the slave owners, sure.

****************************************************

India worried as Taj Mahal changes colour

Sherwin-Williams already looking into it as a possible new business opportunity.

****************************************************

Many GOP politicians dislike Trump. They’re terrified to admit it.

You know, same as with Satan and all the demons of Hell.

****************************************************

California Man Admits Illegally Importing Protected Fish

Sez he didn't admit to it before because he first had to take it out of his mouth... where he was protecting it.

****************************************************

He bottle-fed a lion cub. Ten years later, it attacked him on video and was shot dead.

Apparently there WERE some parts of LION he didn't understand.

****************************************************

Trump Replaces Ty Cobb With Clinton Impeachment Lawyer

Lawyer not as tough running bases but his spit balls are much more slimy. [And Trump prefers that on his team.]

****************************************************

Mueller and Co. are playing hardball

Shouldn't they be working? [This is why Trump gets away with so much stuff.]

****************************************************

Could you pass Trump's brain test?

You mean how deep the roots of his transpanted ass hair grow? Or whether Trump has one?

****************************************************

Man Accused of Masturbating on Train Rips His Wanted Posters

"Here," he said: "I'll take my pants down right now and you can shoot a much better picture with your phone for my mug shot than that piece of crap up there!"

****************************************************

Don’t pick any of the favorites to win the Kentucky Derby

Put all your money on the nag you know's gonna be coming in last like you normally do.

****************************************************

Bomber kills 2 in attack on Pakistan nuclear agency bus

One good thing is he won't be doing that again.

****************************************************

Giuliani claims Trump ‘immune’ from Mueller subpoena

Sez His Majesty Trump is so far above the law they're constantly having to reel him back down to earth (ten, twelve times per day).

****************************************************

This 104-year old Australian academic wants to die — and Switzerland is ready to help

"Such a waste!" Austria cried out: "We've got a cannibal down here could use a few gamey pounds like that."

****************************************************

Camille Cosby on her husband’s conviction: ‘This is mob justice, not real justice’

Well, Bill Cosby done a whole mob of women wrong, and now is their day of Justice. So mob justice it may well be. Hey, hey, hey.

****************************************************

What Robert Mueller Reportedly Wants To Ask Trump

1) Mumbo Jumbo poopity poo
     I am me--Who are you?

****************************************************

Giuliani is repeating mistakes that brought down previous Trump advisers

Really, how many times these morons gotta be told that Trump doesn't have advisers--what he has is [people who had reputations before he hired them] to act as puppets because he's convinced that making his stupid gibberish come out of their mouths will make it sound intelligent.

****************************************************

Iran pushes app with 'Death to America' emoji

"We're a religious nation," said they: "So the normal thing for us is to wish death on others and, in fact, if they don't die to then go over and butcher them." ["It's in all the religious texts."]

****************************************************

The rise and fall of Brazilian art patron Bernardo Paz

Rose when he had the cash to patronize the arts. Fell when they found out he was broke & they kicked his ass out to the pavement.

****************************************************

I sold all I had to go to Europe - now I'm home, and broke

Then my neighbor told me that our country is part of Europe, and always has been! Damn it!

****************************************************

The woman who watched 300 executions

"The hardest part was framing enough of'em," (when she started running out of people sentenced to death), "so I could break the record."

****************************************************

The Other Reason Trump Hasn't Fired Scott Pruitt: His Evangelical Christian Ties

Sez Pruitt's bow ties are really hypnotic when he twirls them under his chin--You can just make out Jesus in the swirl.

****************************************************

Paris gallery opens its doors to nudists

But fear not: Gallery seats will now be upholstered with toilet paper.

****************************************************

Printing Body Parts in Hospital Shows 3D Tech's Growing Reach

Cut the pretense: They're making sex toys.

****************************************************

Amid Trade Tensions, Merkel Commends Macron's 'Elan'

Macron then commended Merkel's own doggy 'Schpitz'

****************************************************

US college loses weapons-grade plutonium

'If those kids want to have plutonium," said the dean: "They'll just have to order it through the internet like everyone else."

****************************************************

NASA Terminates Last Moon Rover After Trump Touts New Era Of Lunar Exploration

Trump sez Moon Rover will no longer be wider than a mile. And nobody's gonna be crossing it in style any day soon (unless they let his daughter Palanka become an astronaut first).

****************************************************

Is Scott Pruitt the most corrupt member of the Trump administration?

No. Trump is the most corrupt. Then members of his immediate family. After that: extended & distant members of his family. And only after all of those... associates who are not family but only capos like Pruitt.

****************************************************

How many questions could Trump answer in a 2-hour interview with Mueller?

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that question?"

****************************************************

9/11 Mastermind Waterboarded By CIA Has Information To Share About Gina Haspel

Man, this guy's just an incorrigible, terrible, terrible snitch!

****************************************************

Trump thanks federal employees with $143.5 billion in retirement cuts

That is SO like Trump. But, hey: They're not the first Trump's flim-flamed. And they certainly won't be the last. ["Trust me," sez Trump.]

****************************************************

Company sold $25,000 ‘service dogs’ that were really just untrained puppies, Virginia says

In the company' defense: The ads didn't specifically say the 'service dogs' had already been trained. Did they?

****************************************************

Trump just accelerated Iran’s implosion. He won’t like the results.

I'm sorry, were you born yesterday? Or is it that you have no idea who this Trump guy is?

****************************************************

This 104-year-old just died, after making a parting statement about assisted suicide

"Ah! Now this is living!"

****************************************************

Trump muses about yanking news media credentials in response to negative coverage

Sure. Erdogan and Putin do it all the time; so why not Trumpie? Hitler and Stalin were the best at it, though.

****************************************************

Mercedes Expects 3-Way Fight to Continue in Spanish GP

Does not name the other two girls Mercedes is in the fight with--All we know is they obviously must also speak Spanish.

****************************************************

Insurance Companies Unfairly Discriminate Against Mental Illness

In insurance companies' defense: When they tried to discriminate against it fairly, it bit'em in the ass.

****************************************************

Woman married days after losing arm to crocodile

"Men ask for a woman's hand," said the croc: "And we snatch the entire arm."

****************************************************

92-year-old set to become world's oldest elected leader in Malaysia

Supporters debating when to wake him and let him know he has won the election. ["Not until there's a doctor present, though!"]

****************************************************

Philippines to launch first missile-firing assault vessels

Duterte's already ordered the best, strongest rubber bands made in China.

****************************************************

Iranian MP denies Iran has bases in Syria...

Well, sure, now that Israel's destroyed them all.

****************************************************

What happened when I stopped trying to be the best mom and embraced being an okay mom

Your baby just learned to talk & told you where to get off. [from the best-selling It Happens To Each Mom]

****************************************************

We Need To Talk About White People Calling The Cops On People Of Color

Hello, police? There's a strange man outside...

Ma'am, we can't go out after every strange man out there.

He might be black.

Oh? What makes you think he's black?

He's talking to himself, waving his arms about, and he jerks up & down a lot when he walks.

Yeah. He sounds black. Keep your door closed and we'll be there in a jiffy. When we get there keep your head down as low as you can in case he is black.

****************************************************

Der Spiegel Cover Portrays Trump As A Finger Flipping Off Europe

In Trump's defense: He IS a finger flipping off everyone.

****************************************************

At campaign rallies for Republican hopefuls, Trump’s focus is on himself

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Elon Musk’s latest innovation attempt: A SpaceX rocket that can fly twice in one day

Sez that SpaceX's corporate goal is creating a rocket that will fly time after time after time until it just blows up.

****************************************************

Europe faces a wave of freed terror convicts. Is it ready?

In the worst case scenario they can always ask Russia to come in and help them, like Assad.

****************************************************

Putin Scores 5 Goals in Exhibition Hockey Game

Russian police still searching for the bodies of the hockey players in a previous exhibition game in which Putin didn't score any goals at all.

****************************************************

Killers of Mexican Students Dissolved 12 Victims in Acid

In drug cartel assassins' defense: They did try tequila first; but it was a no-go.

****************************************************

Pence says it’s time for special counsel to ‘wrap up’ Russia investigation

The guy is shameless: He just can't wait until Trump's indicted and removed from office so he can take over!

****************************************************

Salma Hayek says change is happening in Hollywood, but male actors should take pay cuts

Male actors immediately heard across Hollywood calling their agents and asking them to negotiate for less money.

****************************************************

Double amputee who his lost his feet climbing Everest 43 years ago finally reaches summit

"Nope: Not up here either!" ["Hope it doesn't also take me 43 years to get to the bottom!"]

****************************************************

A 14th human foot — this one in a hiking boot — washes ashore in Canada

Canadian government proposes classes for its citizens on how to take their shoes off less violently. [You know how forceful those Canadians can be!]

****************************************************

Al Qaeda chief says Tel Aviv also belongs to Muslims

In Al Qaeda chief's defense: The Koran sez the whole world belongs to Islam [or else!], so why not Tel Aviv too.

****************************************************

Surest Way in New York to Face Marijuana Charges: Be Black or Hispanic

Apparently, if a cop don't know whether to deport you or shoot you arresting you for weed is the compromise in NY.

****************************************************

Reasons I May Be Eating Right Now

1) Hungry.

2) I'm at mom's.

3) There's a 2-for-1 special at Dogs Gone.

4) Something's in my mouth & it ain't Joan.

****************************************************

Katy Perry Meets Pope Francis, Speaks At Vatican Conference

Katy said she wants an end to war and for people to love & care for one another. [Pope Francis said he agrees with most of that.]

****************************************************

Mosquito- And Tick-Borne Diseases Have Tripled, But The CDC Won't Say It's Climate Change

They're still insisting it's the ticks and mosquitos themselves.

****************************************************

No, A Monkey Can't Copyright His Selfies, Federal Appeals Court Rules

Monkey now trying to set up a dummy corporation [Mano-A-Mono] to do a work-about the prohibition. Stay tuned.

****************************************************

Trump Declares Hawaii’s Devastating Eruptions A Major Disaster

Classic from The Annals of Pot Calling The Kettle Black.

****************************************************

Pink Had A Badass Response To A Troll Who Said She Looked Old

"Ha! Joke's on you, you sonnabitch: I'm really a LOT older than I look!"

****************************************************

Larry Nassar’s Victims To Receive $500 Million In Michigan State Settlement

Michigan State tells employees: "See, this is why we haven't been giving you guys raises all these years."

****************************************************

ETHICS OFFICE FLAGS TRUMP’S 100K PAYMENT TO COHEN

Trump fires everybody in Ethics Office (none of whom had apparenly heard that Trump has no ethics whatsoever, poor bastards).

****************************************************

Indian-American Rep. Tactfully Responds To Caller Who Questions Her Citizenship

The only reason you are a citizen is because the constitution says how & why you are a citizen, same as with everyone else who is a citizen.

****************************************************

World slams disproportionate force in Gaza as IDF kills dozens of Gazans

"All the Gazans want is to run into Israel and butcher as many Jews as possible--Is that really too much to ask?!?"

****************************************************

SpaceX's Upgraded Rocket Soars With Satellite for Bangladesh

Guess Bangladesh must be up from where they fired the rocket.

****************************************************

Cancer Docs Feel Unprepared, but Recommend Marijuana Anyway

Say dope makes them feel better about all their medical school failures & setbacks & shit.

****************************************************

Israel Protests at Televised Turkish Airport Patdown of Its Envoy

This is absolutely Israel's fault: It should've known that you don't go live with a pack of dogs and expect to not be bitten.

****************************************************

What would you do with $300 million to improve Miami Beach? The city wants to know.

I would move to Vegas. Hell, all my neighbors at the Beach're trying to crowdfund me outta there now.

****************************************************

Did he act as the lookout for gold bar heist? Suspect says he was just along for the ride

So the Judge told him he was to get off soon as he got to the clinker.

****************************************************

Teen Claims He Visited Heaven During Near Death Experience

Sez The True Religion was lost to the world 3,000 years ago and that God is really Ongolopongo, a round stone now at the bottom of a Polynesian lagoon. Sez that in Ongolopongo's Heaven God rolled after him down a long incline and made him an angel when he escaped being crushed under Him. Now we know.

[Or, as some stupid atheist who is obviously going straight to Hell once asked: "O what perplexing coincidence it is that Christians who have near-death experiences always see Jesus in Heaven, Muslims see Allah, Buddhists see The Buddha, and Jews (who do not partake in our Greco-Roman notions of Hades and Mount Olympus) just catch Jascha Heifetz or Isaac Stern playing there!"]

.****************************************************

The Latest: Seattle approves business tax for homelessness

From now on if your business is being homeless in Seatle you're no longer going to be able to ride the gravy train.

****************************************************

As D.I.Y. Gene Editing Gains Popularity, ‘Someone Is Going to Get Hurt’

Probably the guy whose genes they're editing: "Let's see what he looks like with hands in place of ears." ["What were we thinking, right!"] "A head that can take off its hat by itself?"

****************************************************

Polish soccer fans accidentally lit their own stadium on fire

Obviously ignored the First Rule of Polish Lawbreakers: "Find a policeman and ask him if you're at the bank which you intend to rob."

****************************************************

Do more people believe in God in Trump's America?

Gotta: Everybody knows God's a brutal merciless butcher [there is NO such thing as a good "act of God"], so people turning more evil by the minute now shows God is definitely in the mix here.

****************************************************

The only pancakes worth getting out of bed for on a lazy Sunday

Those somebody else made. [What'd you think!]

****************************************************

This new Oreo flavor tastes like floor cleaner

"Wow! We didn't think anybody'd get it this quickly." [But, really: Who knew there was anybody out there sipping floor cleaner?]

****************************************************

The Farm Bill Could Be A Huge Blow To Animals

Cows are threatening to moo.

****************************************************

While Black: Have You Been Profiled? Share Your Story.

Yes: While I was black I was profiled. So I decided to go back to being white & that fixed it: Cops that used to drag me outta my car through the window now wave at me & wish me a good day. [from the best-setting Once You're White You Never Go Black]

****************************************************

Teacher Caught On Video Drowning Raccoons With Students

Police investigating raccoon drownings as possible cruelty to animals. It will be up to the parents whether drowning students should also be investigated.

****************************************************

Late passenger attempts to break into plane

"Sir, please get off the wing: You keep making the plane bank to the right!"

****************************************************

Calling immigrants ‘animals,’ Trump evokes an ugly history of dehumanization

Congratulations Donald Trump on so corrupting the humanity of those who heard you say this & other barbarities that none of them ever voices an objection.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: Try as we may, we can’t turn a blind eye to tragedy

Nonsense: First, make sure one of your eyes is blind. [Or blind it.]

****************************************************

Kerry says civil discourse is under threat around the world

Yeah, but he's a dickhead.

****************************************************

Japanese and Macedonian climbers die on Mount Everest

The good news is: If nobody died climbing Mount Everest everybody'd lose interest in trying to get themselves killed climbing it. So this is definitely a win-win.

****************************************************

Security Council mulls mission to protect Palestinians

To protect Palestinians or to protect Hamas? Because if they really wanted to protect Palestinians all they'd have to do is kill Hamas.

****************************************************

You’re not doing anything wrong when it comes to wine

Just guzzle it. You'll be ok.

****************************************************

Man Yelling About Trump Opens Fire In President’s Florida Golf Club

Sez Trump stiffed him for five hot dogs and he'd like to be paid!

****************************************************

Belarus restores ties with Sweden after teddy bear rift

Half the cocaine in the teddy bear will go to Belarus and the other half will go to Sweden.

****************************************************

Bear researcher in 'dream job' attacked by grizzly

Lesson #1. Grizzly bears do not like to be tickled (even in your wildest dreams).

****************************************************

US student's 'Summa cum laude' graduation cake censored

Store sez these days Mister Summa only comes without laude.

****************************************************

Ariana Grande offers message of hope on attack anniversary

It was accompanied by jiggling of tits, crotch peeks & ass teasing in order to keep the audience's hopes up.

****************************************************

Sweden to distribute brochure in case of crisis or war

Brochure can be easily folded and placed comfortably over the head of a Swede (which is on average larger than the European head).

****************************************************

Palestinian plea to ICC could speed up war crime probe

Hot dog! A pogrom!

****************************************************

Novelist laments Gaza deaths

Typical novelist: Now he's into lamenting them, but where was he when it was still possible to try to prevent them! [That's why I only read historians.]

****************************************************

Teen who started massive Oregon wildfire with fireworks must pay $36 million, judge rules

Teen will now have to extend his paper route.

****************************************************

U.S. Citizens Detained By Border Patrol Agent For ‘Speaking Spanish’
The two women were told that they were speaking Spanish in a state that's "predominantly English-speaking."

Thankfully they were also wearing shoes in a state where people predominantly wear shoes, so the two cancelled out each other.

****************************************************

Sweden adopts law that says non-consensual sex is rape

Other laws adopted that day:

Not paying for what you take from a store is stealing.

Smashing someone's head in with a sledgehammer is murder.

Getting yourself elected president of the United States just to benefit yourself financially is Trump's thing.

****************************************************

If Kim Keeps Nuclear Arms, Can Trump Still Claim Victory?

Kim can do Trump doggy-style and Trump will claim victory without batting an eyelash. This is Trump we're talking about here, not somebody who can recognize the truth or concede reality.

****************************************************

Amazon defends giving police face ID tech

In Amazon's defense: Cops out-bid the criminals.

****************************************************

Plaster falls from La Scala arches, no one injured

Property manager asking singers to please try to keep their high notes a little lower from now on.

****************************************************

Horse whisperer helps stress sufferers

Next up: How to convince some really unwound dudes that they're not horses.

****************************************************

Collins: How Trump Gets Into Your Bed

Great, another bedbug story.

****************************************************

UK man convicted in attempted parachute murder

His attempt to murder his victim by dropping down [as opposed to dropping up] on his head from a plane failed when his parachute opened.

****************************************************

Editorial: If Addiction Is a Disease, Why Is Relapsing a Crime?

When you're addicted to cracking banks you gotta expect some consequences.

****************************************************

Plastic cutlery, plates could be banned in the EU

Yes! Send the poor back to eating with their fingers! [This is The Age of Trump.]

****************************************************

Olympian Gus Kenworthy Mourns Death Of Dog He Adopted From Meat Farm

Does not say whether he gave the dead dog back to the meat farm or it went to waste.

****************************************************

Want to Make Money Like a C.E.O.? Work for 275 Years

Well, I worked for what seems like 275 years but I got nowheres what seems like C.E.O. money!

****************************************************

Bishop Michael Curry Joins Christian March To White House To ‘Reclaim Jesus’

Why doesn't it surprse me Trump's kidnapped Jesus and is holding him hostage?

****************************************************

Newest Head Cracker: Do You Hear 'Brainstorm' Or 'Green Needle'?

Neither. The only thing I'm hearing at the moment is: "Kill'em! Kill'em all!"

****************************************************

'I woke up and didn't recognise my wife'

Do what I do and don't open your eyes until after she's put on her makeup.

****************************************************

Turkish ambassador returns to US post after Jerusalem spat

Sez that's the only way Erdogan can recall him again on the next US-Turkish spat.

****************************************************

Kim Jong Un complains of US 'hegemonism' as summit nears

Kim thinks that might be what's causing his morbid obesity.

****************************************************

‘Racism is not a known side effect,’ Ambien maker says after Roseanne Barr blames it for tweets

Nevertheless, Roseanne's lawyer sez she's suing Ambien for not listing racism as one of its possible side-effects.

****************************************************

Pushing the envelope: Why was Kim's letter for Trump so big?

1) Because this is the first letter Kim has ever written to Santa Claus

2) Because Kim's been told Trump can't read more'm 2 words per page

****************************************************

Giuliani says Trump probably has the constitutional power to pardon himself

This means Trump can make himself king: Let's say he makes himself king. That's a crime, sure, but he pardons himself, so he stays king. Then he makes himself emperor and makes the Republican state governors kings, while the Democrat state governors lose their heads. So now we have The American Empire. Add some lead pipes to the DC water system and the first 12 American emperors end up as insane as Trump; after which the American Empire falls and we get the Dark Ages... finally culminating with the Renaissance! Might not be a bad idea at that.

President Trump Thinks He Is a King

Presidents aren’t kings. Someone should tell Trump’s legal team.

Yes: A Constitutional Amendment. Evidently, what we most desperately need [and I mean RIGHT NOW] is a Constitutional Amendment which specifies under which circumstances (if any) a sitting president of the United States may pardon himself. Only then will we be safe from a LEGAL coup by a sitting president against the American government. [Present company NOT excepted.]

Trump’s legal team readies for showdown with Mueller, even as the president touts powers

Giuliani's media blitz is merely part of preparing the defense of a criminal defendant: This bluff is a classical requirement for lawyers with a client they know is about to be indicted--If Trump were not a criminal defendant there would be no need whatever to be talking about his "being above the law" or "it not being possible to put the shackles on him" or "to indict him and throw him in prison." [Giuliani, in fact, just asserted that his client could shoot somebody and get off scot-free.] The only reason we have all this talk is because Trump's attorneys are setting up the defense of a criminal defendant who should have long ago resigned and who's only remaining president because he needs to use his position as president to stay out of prison. This is what all this media blitz by Trump's criminal lawyers is about: Trying to intimidate the law into not charging their client. If Donald Trump were not a criminal and therefore in no jeopardy of being detained by the law what need would there be for his criminal defense team to be talking up Trump being untouchable by the law?!...

Nothing says innocent like Trump trying to convince Mueller that he can pardon himself.

Giuliani: Mueller’s team is ‘trying very, very hard to frame’ Trump

The notion that Mueller is such a reprehensible villainous criminal as to be engaging in the frame-up of an innocent man is so out of touch with reality that it could only have originated in an unsound mind; and so it leaves no doubt Giuliani himself was NOT the one who came up with this harebrained libel against Mueller: No, if anything, this attack is but one sad demonstration of Giuliani's willingness to sell all his principles for whatever he's getting or he hopes to get from Trump. [Hope it's enough. And that Trump doesn't stiff him.]

Both Chris Christie and George Bush can rest happy tonight.

.****************************************************

Space Station Accepts Special Delivery From Virginia

Delivery man blows up outside Space Station putting his pen back in his spacesuit.

****************************************************

Michelle Wolf: ‘Roseanne’ Shouldn’t Have Been Revived To Begin With

"How many times we gotta tell you this: You do NOT resurrect the Frankenstein monster!"

****************************************************

US military plans for future at Guantanamo because of Trump

Hey, if the military believes that's the best place for Trump to serve out his sentence, then who am I to disagree with the milityary?

****************************************************

North Korea-US summit goes through many twists

C'mon, ya gotta've seen this coming from a couple of snakes!

****************************************************

Highlights from Putin's call-in show

"Hello, Vlad? This is your Mother! You know I taught you better than this..." [Click.]

****************************************************

Kim Jong Un impersonator detained in Singapore

They'd like to train him to step in in case the real Un is shot dead by his generals (or by Trump).

****************************************************

Why You Like Listening To The Same Song Over And Over Again

Because I'm too old now to remember how to turn off the damn thing!

****************************************************

NASA Finds Concentrated Batch Of Organic Molecules On Mars

NASA scientists hoping it's an old piss.

****************************************************

Avengers superfan watches film 43 times

Coroner thinks he might have been alive through at least 3 of the showings.

****************************************************

What Religion Gives Us (That Science Can’t)

1) People who will gladly blow themselves to shreds in the belief that butchering others in the name of God will send them straight to Heaven. [No hypnotist can make anyone do that.]

****************************************************

He’s pro-incest, pedophilia and rape. He’s also running for Congress.

What, don't the piece-o-craps in our society also have a right to be represented?

****************************************************

An FBI agent did a back flip in a club, dropped his gun and accidentally shot someone, police say

He got a 9.7 score from the crowd of drunks. [Now let's see what a sober judge scores him.]

****************************************************

The United Nations says Trump is making life harder for the poor

And Trump responded: "Awwwwww..."

****************************************************

Ticketfly has been hacked. Here’s what you need to know.

Ask Putin where he does his money biz: He's never been hacked.

****************************************************

Home security camera shows Florida panther attack house cat

House cat is clearly heard hollering: "Say what?!"

****************************************************

Snake slithers out of car’s air vent as Virginia woman is driving

"And that, officer," explained the snake, "Is how I ended up driving this baby down the road all by my lonely."

****************************************************

Trump’s tariffs teach Europe a lesson, Putin says

If Putin were ordering Trump to sabotage & subvert, undermine and cause havoc to America's relationship with its Western Allies Trump could not do a better job of following through on Putin's orders: That's the investigation of collusion the CIA, FBI and Congress should be looking into. [Follow the money: Find out how invested Putin may be in China's ZTE] "It is more perilous to hide the truth than to proclaim it at your peril." --S D Rodrian

.****************************************************

Report: Gazans to dress like concentration camp prisoners in protest

Members of Hamas will, of course, be dressing in Nazi guard uniforms. [Don't forget your cameras!] And as it's all just a costume party there will be no need to square any of it with their everyday rabid denial of the Holocaust.

****************************************************

Trump Supports Relaxing Federal Pot Laws, In Blow To Jeff Sessions

And no, Trump won't fire Sessions: When the gods made Sessions look like a scaredy mouse they were not only giving anybody who looks at him the heads up on his nature, but, let's face it, he's the only rat in the Trump administration that actually looks like rodent.

In defense of separating immigrant families, Sessions cites same Bible passage used to defend slavery

****************************************************

Here’s How You Can Tell When It’s Time For A Career Move

1) your paycheck comes printed on a pink slip

****************************************************

Brazil presidential contender criticizes rival's candidacy

This, of course, was unimaginably unexpected.

****************************************************

In the Age of Trump, Civics Courses Make a Comeback

Nothing like living in the Age of Trump to remind us that we are not yet civilized.

****************************************************

Lawyers Ask ICE to Stop Deportation of Delivery Man

This is such a waste of resources: Just deport the guy, have him sneak back in, and give him a job delivering something else for the next ten years he's here until they catch him again.

****************************************************

Fact-Check of the Day: Trump Considers Pardoning Muhammad Ali, Whose Conviction Was Already Overturned

Brilliant! Now, if they can find other ways to make Trump believe he's the one producing reality [after the fact] we might yet be able to survive the last couple of years he's in office!

****************************************************

Supercomputer Does 6.3 Billion Years’ Work in Just a Second

Now we'll be able to build more houses for the poor every hour of every day than there are atoms in the infinite nothingness!

****************************************************

Trump reveals that the first lady is under doctors’ orders not to fly for a month

Peter Pan will be flying to the summit solo.

****************************************************

The Rich Are Planning to Leave This Wretched Planet

But don't worry: I'm sure there will be plenty of openings for maids, toilet scrubbers, dish washers and other indispensable slaves on the mothership.

****************************************************

Can One Suicide Lead to Others?

No. Once you've committed suicide, that's the end right there.

****************************************************

Owners: Triple Crown Winner Justify Will Race Again

Why?!? He can earn so much more just sitting at home masturbating.

****************************************************

‘Sex Workers Are Business People:’ 5 Porn Stars Respond to Giuliani

It's just that they do business wih their business.

****************************************************

Syria's Assad denies Russia makes decisions for him

Sez Putin told him it was ok to say this.

****************************************************

I don’t like going outside. How can I stop my boyfriend from making me ‘go out and enjoy the weather’?

1) get a new boyfriend
2) just say NO
3) pay a bully to beat'im up every time he sees him outside

****************************************************

What the Trump Doctrine’s inane slogans reveal about the president’s foreign policy

Dude, this is The Trump Doctrine: "Stick with The Lie even when they all know you're lying." [They all know you know that they know you're lying anyway, so what's to keep you then from just keeping on lying!]

.****************************************************

Trump Refuses to Sign G-7 Statement

Awww, did the G-7 leaders refuse to get on their knees before you, Mister Trump? [Next up: Testing Trump's deal-making genius with Kim Jung Un]

.****************************************************

The White House also confirms that President Trump and Kim Jong-un will meet without aides.

And which American could the Manchurian Candidate possibly trust?

.****************************************************

Did Trump achieve what Obama couldn't?

Yes: Obama couldn't have signed the Iran Deal without at least getting peanuts from Iran, while Trump was able to sign the Kim Deal without getting scratch at all from North Korea. [Take that, Iran!]

.****************************************************

When it comes to AI and weapons, the tech world needs philosophers

No it does not: There will never be a lack of people to justify the worst.

****************************************************

Jared Kushner, Ivanka Trump Made $82 Million While Working In The White House

Yeah, but their job is "sitting pretty" (and that's not something just any old Jack & Judy can pull off).

****************************************************

How you can unsend that Snapchat message you accidentally sent to your ex

"Hello, Carrie? Listen: DO NOT open that message I just sent you. But, if you do: DO NOT let the police see it!"

****************************************************

There’s no defending Trump’s North Korea performance

I'm sorry, you know of any Trump performance that is not completely indefensible?

****************************************************

After summit, North Korea shows Trump in new light

"We were mistaken: That's Mister Putin there."

****************************************************

What Is Sadness, and What Is Depression?

Sadness is missing your bus.
Depression is when the next bus runs you over.

****************************************************

UK soldier gets 18 years for tampering with wife's parachute

Soldier claims he was just trying to get his wife home quick as he could so she'd have dinner ready by the time he touched down.

****************************************************

Banksy print worth $45K stolen from art exhibit, caught on camera

Apparently the thieves couldn't figure out how to unhook the Bankey from the camera, so they just left it there hanging from it.

****************************************************

Stephen Hawking's ashes buried at Westminster Abbey

Hawking was a chain smoker, so his ashes apparently piled up over time. [Heirs now trying to figure out what to do with his dandruff, as Stephen was also known to be a flaky gent.]

****************************************************

Donkeys stolen, skinned to feed Chinese demand

Did not know there was that much demand in China to watch donkeys being skinned.

****************************************************

EPA Moves To Replace Obama-Era Rule Protecting Drinking Water For 117 Million

Could be this was harming the ability to start the new Trump Bottled Water company.

****************************************************

Why Was a Healthy Man Nauseated by Food?

Well, sometimes after two-three hours of wolfing it down the only way a man can be stopped eating his food is by it getting him nauseated.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: A woman backs out of a trip, and her friend goes to a dark place

Wonder what kind of ad the dark place put up to make the friend still want to go there after the Sun-loving woman backed out & went to the beach instead?

****************************************************

Director's Tesla bursts into flames in LA

Well, of course it burst into flames: You are NOT supposed to gas up an electric car! [Read the sticker.]

****************************************************

Trump claims FBI 'plotting' though report found no bias

New Webster definition for "paranoid behavior." [Look it up yerself.]

****************************************************

Riders plunge 34 feet, 6 injured in roller coaster derail

Coaster owners now plan to rename it The Geronimo!

****************************************************

When the cop pulled him over for DUI, he had a beer in his hand. Then he chugged it.

Ha! Now let the stupid cop try to prove that he had any beer with him.

****************************************************

French authorities thwart jihadi attack on swinger's club

"Luckily they were all naked in there, so the machine gun was easy to spot."

****************************************************

Democrats intensify fight for immigrant children — and bash Trump, GOP ahead of midterms

I don't quite understand why kidnapper-in-chief "The Donald" doesn't just phone Chuck & Nancy and demand they give him all the billions in (unmarked non-sequential wall money) ransom he's asking for the return of the screaming little kids he's holding from their parents as hostages... so this unprecedented presidential kidnapping doesn't go on & on showing him & his GOP gang for the heartless scumrats they are!

I am almost certainly sure that once Chuck Schumer & Nancy Pelosi understand just how god-awful Trump's hostage taking of the little kids from their parents is making the Republicans look Chuck & Nancy will RUSH to hand over all the ransom money Trump's asking for... and probably even a fully fueled getaway (to Mar-a-Lago) airplane too for the entire GOP kidnapping gang to take off in with the loot. [from the best-selling The Art of The Deal by I. M. A. Genieous]

****************************************************

Trump, in reversal, says he will sign order to end family separations at border

Not because of the harm it's doing to the children, of course, but because it's costing Trump. [Now watch Trump proclaim himself the saviour and liberator of all those kids.]

Hey, you wanted a vile creep for your president--you got a vile creep for your president: Enjoy!

****************************************************

Rats shred banknotes inside India ATM

In the rats' defense: What else are rats supposed to do with other people's money?

****************************************************

There are more guns than people in the United States, according to a new study of global firearm ownership

Naturally! Don't most people have TWO hands!

****************************************************

Miami has a new wild ass, and here's how you can meet him

Follow the piles?

****************************************************

Trump Is Either Woefully Misinformed About Family Separations Or Is Lying

The 64 cent question?

****************************************************

Four questions to ask before buying a rental property

1) If it's a rental, how come I gotta buy it?!?

****************************************************

This start-up can make avocados last twice as long before going bad

What? Now I gotta wait longer to throw them out?!?

****************************************************

Kathy Griffin Says ‘F**k You’ To ‘Feckless Piece Of S**t’ Melania Trump

Trump Calls De Niro 'Very Low IQ Individual' for Tony Awards Outburst

When will these celebrities learn that ya can't make crap crappier! Guys: Trump is an absolute. [Live with it.]

****************************************************

You Could Be in a Gay Bar Right Now and Not Even Know It

I thought my livingroom looked a bit different.

****************************************************

Sessions Says He Never ‘Intended’ To Separate Immigrant Families. That’s A Lie.

Trump’s Plan for a Government Overhaul Targets the Safety Net

"People who sell their souls to Satan are easy to spot because they are usually rich, successful, and have no conscience harming others in exchange for their few mortal gains."

Melania Trump Wears ‘I Really Don’t Care’ Jacket To Visit Immigrant Children

Man, the Trump Crime Family is rotten top to bottom!

Trump plan to expand Gulf drilling ignores impacts on wildlife, lawsuit claims

Hello! What part of "I don't care" don't you get?

What is going on now in this country is what happens when you put the "we only care about ourselves" filthy rich in charge of "the government for all the people." Go Melania!

.****************************************************

Trump aggravates immigration judges’ problems with tweet opposing Constitution

The staggering difference between these Trump criminals and previous criminal politicos is that the Trump criminals (including Trump himself) don't ever try to hide the fact that they're committing crimes! You can't tell if it's because they're THAT stupid or because they know that they've already overwhelmed The Law & no longer have anything to fear from her.

Trump says Mueller’s appointment was unconstitutional. Is he right?

WOMP WOMP: Sessions Says It’s ‘Painful’ Hearing Christians Condemn Him

Then maybe he should opt for the "much preferable" situation of being a child ripped from its mother's arms at his orders.

Fox News host’s ‘not our kids’ statement, and the limits of compassion

The level of inhumanity that the Trump administration (and its mere presence on the scene) has let loose upon this nation is really staggering. How far away are we at this moment really from being given permission to inflict as much harm and outrage on "others" as those concentration camp guards who after mercilessly torturing and murdering inmate children all day long would go home to the warm hugs & tender kisses of their own loving families!

The United States of America is too strong to be destroyed from without: It can only be destroyed from within. There is no reason for Trump's trade war with our allies. There is no reason for Trump's battles against our American institutions of law & order, trade unions, social security safety nets, our everyday common decency & charity towards those who through no fault of their own have fallen on hard times. There is no reason for Trump's total & complete capitulation to North Korea, whose main product everybody knows is betrayal:

Report: North Korea Boosting Production Of Nuclear Weapons Fuel At Secret Sites

There is no reason for Trump's war against every hard won American value which we've prized so dearly up to now. Zero. Except a single foreboding one: Putin's obsession with humbling, diminishing, or even destroying The United States of America. And his certainly knowing that he could only do that by inserting into the American government itself a president who would do from within exactly what Donald Trump is doing to America right now.

Trump is bent on wrecking NATO. Prepare for catastrophe.

The best thing I can say to the citizens of the United States in these times of peril is that if it quacks like a duck, then you'd better start looking at the very real possibility that Trump might indeed be a treasonous Putin agent whom he has engineered [by whatever KGB designs] into the presidency specifically to undermine everything for which America justly stands. And so you had all better start looking into this possibility sooner rather than later, America. Or we are lost.

I predict that the upcoming 2018 midterm elections will be forever known as the elections of lies, lies & more lies--and that the Trump Republicans are already planning a blitz of lies the likes of which we've never before seen: If the Democrats do not see this coming & fully prepare for it NOW they are going to be blindsided & blow away... and once again left by the wayside in a repeat of recent history.

Tiptoe over Margaret Sullivan's Instead of Trump’s propaganda, how about a nice ‘truth sandwich’?

Or go read Micah Halpern's Little chance for a democratic Palestine and learn there maybe "a little" about what might be going on right here right now in these United States right under your stuffed nose.

Trump longs to establish his own American kleptocracy. And there will only still be a few choice moments when he might be stopped. But it will require American patriots with great strength of character and unquestioned courage to stop his unmaking our hard-won democracy.

.****************************************************

Editorial: Do Poor People Have a Right to Health Care?

Answer: No! [from the best-selling Who Told Poor People They Were People? by Som Trump]

****************************************************

The question isn’t when is the next recession is coming; it’s what are we going to do about it.

What Trump's doing: Move your businessness anywhere other than the United States NOW.

****************************************************

Trump Uses Random Uppercase Letters on Twitter, but Should You?

In Trump's defense: He was too busy working as a leg-breaker for his old man & kicking out tenants who fell behind on their rent in his tenements as a kid to go to school and learn to write properly.

****************************************************

Why isn’t Trump bragging about his NATO successes?

Answer: Because there's no room in an entire universe filled to its toupée with bragging for any additional bragging. [from the best-selling I Is A Fat Braggart by I. M. Number II]

****************************************************

Koko, the beloved gorilla that learned to communicate using sign language, has died

"The last thing she signed," said her keeper, "was a raised middle finger." ["We're still trying to figure out what she meant."]

****************************************************

XXXTentacion: Controversial rapper shot dead in Florida aged 20

God, what a loss! Think of all the harm he could've done in this world!

No One Knows How To Mourn Abusers Like XXXTentacion. There’s A Reason For That.

****************************************************

Trump Says Mexico Doing Nothing ‘Except Taking Our Money And Sending Us Drugs’

Hey, stupid: I very much doubt they'd send them to us out of the sheer kindness of their hearts. [What a moronski!]

****************************************************

In India, rats have a $19,000 meal

Ewh, dozens of Trump administration rats in this country have lots more expensive meals than that every day of the week with money that could have fed millions of hungry Americans instead.

****************************************************

A Canal Through Turkey? Presidential Vote Is a Test of Erdogan’s Building Spree

In Erdogan's defense: All dictators go on massive building sprees when they get hold of their nation's purse strings--It's only human nature to go on buying sprees when one suddenly comes into an unexpected boatload of unearned money.

****************************************************

The man who was fired by a machine

"You are broken."

****************************************************

Analysis: Why Republicans have long wanted to shut the Education Department

Hint: Except for those who study only how best to succeed at crime, the best educated citizens in a civilization always tend to vote more ethically.

****************************************************

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Was Asked to Leave Restaurant Over Her White House Work

"No Trumps Allowed" [Guess ya gotta start somewhere.]

****************************************************

Regions With Highest Opioid Use Voted For Trump, Study Finds

2016 Trump support was greatest in areas with highest rates of painkiller use, study finds

Well, Trump IS a pain. So I guess it makes sense that the people most medicated against pain would vote for him.

****************************************************

Katie Arrington, who defeated GOP Rep. Mark Sanford, is seriously hurt in car crash

"Gotta watch what I wish for, I guess." [from the best-selling God Trumps Trump by Jesus Gomes] And, ironically enough, she was hit by a White driver who now is with Jesus!

****************************************************

Shawn Springs got bashed in the head in the NFL. Now he’s building a business out of that.

Shawn Springs For Your Head

****************************************************

Theme park lets heavier women in free

Say they'll make it up on the treats.

****************************************************

Ex-Trump Campaign Official Says Black Fox Guest Out Of His ‘Cotton-Picking Mind’

Of course: Black people spend all day out in that hot Sun picking cotton before coming into the studio, so their brains are bound to be a mite fried by the time the show starts!

****************************************************

Israeli debate champs beat computer, just barely

Yeah?--Yeah!--Yeah?--Yeah!--Yeah?--Yeah!--Yeah?--Yeah times a zillion--Zillion does not compute--We win!

****************************************************

Secret to Perfect Popcorn Is in Your Cupboard

That's why my popcorn sucks: Too old now to remember where I put my damn cupboard!

****************************************************

Kushner Questions Abbas’s Ability to Make Peace

Abbas counters that any idiot can make peas. ["That's why your Daddy-in-Low sent you here."]

****************************************************

Pakistan’s Taliban Names New Leader After U.S. Drone Strike

So... what, Ahmed's name is "Pifuwakata!" now?

****************************************************

Skip Due Process for Those Who Enter Illegally, Trump Says

Sure! And if that works out well, let's then try it out on the people here legally... like those who vote Democrat. [And why not? "If Trump sez so--it's so!" from the best-seller Shoot The Judges by DJ Trump]

****************************************************

Turkey's Erdogan wins sweeping new powers after poll victory

A lot of foolish people in the West think it's sad that Erdogan won, but what they don't realize is that Erdogan is the true face of Islamic Turkey. And his victory will make it clearer than ever to see the folly of continuing to try to bring in a Muslim country into Europe.

****************************************************

North Korea’s ‘anti-U.S.-imperialism’ rally will not be held this year

It will instead be replaced by the Trump Military Dream Parade.

****************************************************

Extinct Gibbon Found in Ancient Chinese Tomb

I was looking for that!

****************************************************

Jogger: US held me for accidental border crossing

That was stupid of her! If she'd only said that she crossed on purpose they would have kicked her out on the spot.

****************************************************

Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ Restaurant Tweet Was Illegal, Says Ex-Ethics Chief

In Sarah Huckabee Sanders's defense: Her tweet actually brought a lot of kudos for the restaurant that kicked her out on her ass.

****************************************************

You can smell Trump’s fear

That could just be that old people like Trump simply don't bathe as often as they should. [Where's that hot young sponge nurse of his, Melania?]

****************************************************

What is the U.S. position on the Golan?

None: The U.S. is not on the Golan but in North America.

****************************************************

Harley Davidson: What Trump-supporting owners say about the president’s fight with the company

"Help! My pet snake done bit me in the ass!"

****************************************************

Trump says he’s ‘surprised’ Harley-Davidson is moving work overseas after tariffs take effect

Yeah! Wonder why Harley-Davidson doesn't just go bankrupt to honor Trump?

****************************************************

‘People are so sensitive’: 50 Cent doubles down after mocking Terry Crews over sexual assault claim

Jealousy, thy price is 50 cent.

****************************************************

Ticketmaster UK says customer info may have been stolen

Great, now everybody's gonna know I went to that romantic sissy movie!

****************************************************

Musk accused of stealing farting unicorn

Guess ya gots'ta keep that Musk up somehow.

****************************************************

Syrians fleeing fighting call on Israel to save them

"Dear Jews: If you save us we promise that we won't slaughter you while we're under your protection. You can trust us: You know we Arabs are a very patient people."

****************************************************

National Review columnist defends the Spanish Inquisition

I'm sorry, did Trump just take the world back a couple of more centuries again while I was taking my nap?

****************************************************

He was playing his radio too loud, then got choked by a cop. Now, he wants the city to pay

Sez the radio he had welded to his teeth is busted. [And it cost him an arm & a leg to have his dentist weld it in there!]

****************************************************

He took a girl home from the bar. When he woke up, he told cops, $70,000 was stolen.

That's how you learn that if you have $70,000 in cash lying around your pad, you shouldn't invite any old stranger in for some drinks.

****************************************************

Trump gets prank call on Air Force One

"Hello, is this Coo-Coo Man Trump?"

"Yes. Who is this?"

****************************************************

The old meth-taped-to-privates smuggling ploy busted at Keys jail, cops say

Inmates kept complaining that their meth smelled funny.

****************************************************

How would you spend $400 million in Miami? City can't decide.

1) buy a ticket on the first plane out that doesn't cavity search you for large amounts of cash

****************************************************

AT&T is hiking the price of DirecTV Now, despite promising lower consumer prices in the Time Warner trial

Ah! Nothing like living in the age of Trump!

****************************************************

I don’t want to spank my sassy 4-year-old. What should I do instead?

Waterboard him: You're in the Trump Age now, baby!

****************************************************

A jewel thief swallowed the evidence. Now he's not going anywhere until he poops, cops say

Cops already have a recording of Bette Davis's "What a dump!" ready.

****************************************************

Trump weighs top picks for Supreme Court amid last-minute maneuvering

Naturally, Trump wants the fattest possible pick so that the court weighs in his favor.

****************************************************

REPORT: EPA WITHHELD BOMBSHELL ASSESSMENT
Agency Sitting On Warnings About Cancer-Causing Chemical

Isn't the EPA charged by Trump's Law to keep people from finding out which poisons are killing them so that the chemical companies can keep making money selling poisons?!? [from the best-selling Die, Baby, Die by Prune Pruitt]

****************************************************

Elon Musk Sends Engineers to Offer Expertise in Cave Rescue

Musk engineers propose shooting high voltage electricity through the cave in order to evaporate all the water flooding it.

Thai Cave Rescuer Explains Why Elon Musk’s Rescue Idea Wouldn’t Have Worked

1) would have turned boys in cave into hot dogs
2) would have required more electricity than the whole of Thailand uses

****************************************************

Baltimore man exonerated of murder after 30 years in prison

To make it up to him for the time he spent in prison he will now be allowed one murder in Baltimore on the house.

****************************************************

Dog That Starred In Bush’s Baked Beans Ads Dies

(This is why I slip my wife's dog Bully all them beans.)

****************************************************

Poll: Palestinians favor jailed leader Barghouthi as Abbas successor

Sorry: Jack The Ripper was not available.

****************************************************

Stork lands charity with huge phone bill

In the stork's defense: It was only trying to give parents a heads-up.

****************************************************

'I'm the smartest man in Africa'

What, did Trump finally admit that he acts like an African dictator?

****************************************************

Giuliani works for foreign clients while serving as Trump’s attorney

Naturally, that way he can efficiently advance one client's interests in advancing his other client's interests. Duh! [from the best-selling Stuff One Learns In Law School by D. Consigliere]

****************************************************

Trump Stance on Breast-Feeding Is Criticized by Experts

In Trump's defense: He knows more about breast-feeding than all the experts out there put together.

****************************************************

Year-Old Baby Appears In Immigration Court, Cries Hysterically

Judge said he was "embarrassed" to ask if the boy understood the proceedings.

One of these days "a congress" is gonna make this GOP child porn illegal. [Not this one, of course.]

.****************************************************

Hey undocumented immigrants, it’s all your fault

Donald Trump Is Still Setting Up Concentration Camps on American Soil

Why it’s fair to use the controversial phrase in the debate over U.S. immigrant detentions.

Immigrant Parents Are at Fault, not Trump, for Having their Children Taken from Them at the Border, Says Colorado Congressman

I wonder whether Ken Buck also believes it was all the Jews' fault for getting themselves into the NAZI death camps? And if he does not believe that, then how does he reconcile any difference there might be between those two beliefs...?

.****************************************************

A mega-heat wave is gaining strength over Texas and the south-central United States

Good! Good! That's where most of those climate change deniers (voters) live. See how they like it now, baby.

Trump makes good on threat to target an additional $200 billion in Chinese imports with tariffs

Good! Good! Make the American voters pay hard cash for electing the moron president.

****************************************************

Trump is poisoning NATO. Why?

Answer: Who doesn't know by now Putin enjoys watching his lackeys poisoning his enemies?

****************************************************

The Latest: Trump questions value of NATO, slams Germany

Of course: NATO stands in the way of Putin stealing bits & pieces of Europe, as with Crimea & chunks of the Ukraine.

****************************************************

Televangelist, followers detained by Turkish police

If all Christian clerics would be prosecuted by Muslims & all Muslim clerics prosecuted by Christians we might finally begin at last to get rid of our ignorance & superstition once & for all.

****************************************************

Private tax collection agencies lose money while going after the poor

They should go after the banks, like Dillinger.

****************************************************

Costco is taking Polish hot dogs off its food court menu. Fans are grieving — and angry.

"When we look at a hot dog we don't want to see it unpolished!" ["Who eats unpolished hot dogs?!"] Damn you, Costco!

****************************************************

Why it’s particularly odd for Trump to fixate on NATO’s GDP spending requirements

Not odd at all: People who fixate or obsess on one single thing usually do so because their brains just can't handle more than one thing. If at that.

****************************************************

Rat triggers blackout at Australian ballet

It was a Republican rat (who thought the ballet was too gay). [From now on Republicans attending the ballet will be seated farther away from the fuse box.]

****************************************************

The Mucus-Shooting Worm-Snail That Turned Up in the Florida Keys

It's old, and slow (of course). And it coughs a lot. Just like most everyone else that eventually turns up in South Florida.]

****************************************************

As Trump Insults NATO, Merkel Hesitates to Take Him On Alone

Well, remember she's got a cat (to protect from "that" Trump).

****************************************************

The Latest: Trump looking forward to tea with queen

Asks whether queen's cat is a Persian or a Siamese.

****************************************************

Syrian school books under Assad preach jihad, hatred of Israel, U.S.

Right, and now they're paying the price for it. Maybe if they were to start peaching peace & all that love thy neighbor crap they might do better.

****************************************************

Cheese. Cosmetics. Cat Treats. Are those monthly subscription boxes actually saving you money?

If they ever do one single instant would not go by before all those subscriptions would be rescinded there & then.

****************************************************

Ryan chides Trump on trade, cautioning that China stands to gain global status

I'm sorry, but aren't those Trump's marching orders from Putin? [If Trump quacks he is Putin's duck.]

****************************************************

The Fix: Trump denies he said something that he said on a tape everyone has heard

It's the "three billion people at his inauguration" all over again.

When it comes to lying, Trump is nonstop

So, it's Johnny Appleseed for apples. Washington for telling the truth. And Donald Trump for lying. [from the best-selling Donald Trump: A Man NOT Of His Word by D. Holworld]

Trump Actually Thinks Putin Meeting Went Well

It's the "six billion people at his inauguration" all over again.

Ukraine’s not a country, Putin told Bush. What’d he tell Trump about Montenegro?

Trump to Montenegro: Drop Dead

Next time make a presidential candidate swear on his private pile of dough that he'll stand by NATO.

In His Latest Account, Trump Says He Laid Down the Law

It's the "eight billion people at his inauguration" all over again.

****************************************************

Opinion | All Christians Are Problematic, Even Me And You

Not to mention proper English usage.

****************************************************

Ed Bearss went to his first All-Star Game in 1933. This week he’ll go to his second.

Somebody just told him baseball is still being played.

****************************************************

Legal Marijuana in New Jersey Is So Close You Can Smell It

"Oh, it's been close for years."

****************************************************

You bought a ton of summer produce at the farmers market. This is what you cook with it.

Cattle feed.

****************************************************

Ancient 'Iceman' Shows Signs of a Well-Balanced Last Meal

Anybody need any more proof that those things can kill ya?!

****************************************************

NFL Notebook: McCoy's Ex-Girlfriend Alleges Possible Setup

I'm sorry, but isn't "LeSean" Spanish for "pig"?

****************************************************

Trump persists in his push for friendly ties with Putin despite Russia indictments

After latest indictments, Schumer calls on Trump to cancel summit with Putin

Of course that's never gonna happen--Schumer's just too slow-witted to grasp that Trump is Putin's creature. [But, don't worry: Schumer'll get in it another year or so & stop wasting his time stupidly asking Trump to do things like this.]

****************************************************

Neanderthals could start fires with their stone tools, new study suggests

That would explain why the damn firebugs were all prosecuted out of existence then.

****************************************************

Israel Passes Law to Say It Is Nation-State of Jewish People

Israel lives in an ocean of countries that proclaim themselves nations only of Islamic People. So, pardon them. [It would be suicidal in such a neighborhood for Israel to leave the way open for a non-Jewish majority deciding someday whether Isreal will or will not also be a nation only for Islamic People.] Soon as all the Muslim nations there are democratic and egalitarian, then by all means condemn Israel if it is not also democratic and egalitarian too.

****************************************************

Why would someone try to pass off 10 million bottles of cheap Spanish rosé as French? American demand.

"So, all this 'Vino Francés' is French?" ["Si."]

****************************************************

Up, Up And No Way! Greenpeace Protest Paraglider Buzzes Trump At Turnberry.

Noticed them draft dodger's spurs of Trump didn't keep him from skedaddling pretty good when he saw that paraglider flying towards him.

****************************************************

Opinion | Standing Next To Putin, Trump Chooses Russia Over America

"May Putin forgive our trespasses and all who trespass against Putin," prayed Trump.

****************************************************

Trump kowtows to Putin in Helsinki

Trump sides with Russia against FBI

Trump’s defense of Russia prompts outrage from some Republicans

Blow: Trump, Treasonous Traitor

From Trump, Words No President Has Uttered Overseas

Trump repudiates U.S. intelligence community by according equal weight to Putin

‘Treason’ Is Top Searched Word After Trump-Putin Press Conference

Putin Does Not Deny That Russia Has ‘Compromising Material’ On Trump

‘Doomsday Prepping’ for Another Round of Tariffs

Trump just colluded with Russia. Openly.

‘Treasonous’ And ‘Disgraceful’: Critics Slam Trump’s Performance At Putin Summit

'Patsy,' 'pushover,' 'puppet': Lawmakers' harsh words for Trump

Opinion | If Putin wanted a U.S. president to do his bidding, it would look exactly like this

Cohen: Trump’s Road to American Martial Law

The stench from Trump’s execrable performance grows ever more putrid

If this is not treason, then what is it?

Ready to impeach him yet? ["No, not yet," said the GOP leaders: "We want to see exactly how much damage Benedict Arnold could've done to America if he'd been elected president."]

As explosive new Russia revelations hit Trump, Republicans throw him a lifeline

Trump is Hell-bent on doing as much damage as he can to America, guys. But the really incredible thing is how these Congressional Republicans are enabling him to do just that!

****************************************************

A Maryland bakery temporarily closed after video of a rat scurrying over pastries went viral

Aww! And here I thought all those little rat footprints on their pastries were so cute!

****************************************************

Hulk Hogan reinstated to WWE Hall of Fame after suspension over racist tirade

Ya mean he was suspended before his racist tirade & reinstated now because of it?!

****************************************************

Pretzels to replace peanuts on Southwest flights

"From now on Mister Pretzels will be searched for stale peanuts whenever he boards our planes."

****************************************************

Trump Claims He Misspoke When He Defended Putin At The Russia Summit

Ask Trump: Is that the only thing you're all mixed-up about or is your brain just simply all mixed-up all the time all over the place?

****************************************************

Is Donald Trump even in charge of this government?

Man, let's hope not!

****************************************************

Tech leaders: Killer robots would be ‘dangerously destabilizing’ force in the world

Sez we should stick with our regular killers.

****************************************************

****************************************************

Will add more later. SDR
Buy the books: Each has hundreds & hundreds more...
[Thousands & thousands if you get the entire set.]
These are all real headlines--I'm the one who's unreal.

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DISCLAIMER: Note that my quips are almost exclusively all about the headline and the news articles themselves are in most cases irrelevant: Only because of the electronic nature of eBooks have I been able to include a [most convenient] search link to the actual news article... exclusively for the sake of those of you with a morbid curiosity (or a slow wit). But though I myself have read them, it is not really all that necessary that you put yourself through that too--unless, of course, you wish to find out whether my outrageous make of them might perhaps also be accurate (or just plain nuts).
S D Rodrian
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PERMISSIONS: As long as you provide the appropriate citation of authorship and Copyrights you may use [just one] of the above quips. More than one and you gotta pay me through the nose for their use.*
S D Rodrian

* NO mucus, please.

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SUNDRY OTHER S D Rodrian NOTES:

The Rules of Life
http://thesolutionisthis.com
The Stories and Poems of S D Rodrian
LATTER-DAY MUSINGS
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Copyright Notice: Please note that none of the materials in this website are in the Public Domain, so please do not reproduce any of it without the proper permissions from the Copyright holder: S D Rodrian

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