When the news get too depressing these are the books to read.

Now, where can one find happiness? Always a good place to start is: anywhere a good, sound couple of laughs wash away the alternative, of course. And each of the Tricky Headlines eBooks holds hundreds and hundreds of laughs for the having. Here you can enjoy the hilarious, definitely not politically correct (PC) quips, comments, and invariably irreverent observations of/by S D Rodrian on today's news headlines collected in this ever continuing series of books intended most especially of all for the latest eReaders out there (each & every available tablet, computer, and iPhone you can buy).

In a world of serious, sad, and even quite tragic circumstances (a world in which about the greatest need is & always will remain the need for laughter), humor always is the point of departure here... ever the abiding goal of these forthright takes on today's so very truly tricky headlines.

S D Rodrian

[Below you can read some of their contents.]

Latter-Day-Musings / S D Rodrian
Barnes And Noble  KOBO eBooks

Tricky Headlines 5 / S D Rodrian
Happy Schadenfreudes to You Democrats & Republicans!
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo

Tricky Headlines 3 / S D Rodrian
The World Is Funnier Than It Lets On
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo

Tricky Headlines 4 / S D Rodrian
Sinful Pleasures of the Anti-Politically Correct
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo

Tricky Headlines 1 / S D Rodrian
A profound treatise upon the human condition.
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo

Tricky Headlines 2 / S D Rodrian
An Amusing Stare Into The Tragedies of Man.
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo

Continuing this flippant series of hilarious eBooks exploiting the apparent inability of the writers & editors of today's "Tricky Headlines" to compose clear, unambiguous copy--Puzzlement, amazement, outrage, and the humor of their folly, silliness, ambiguity, injustice, intent to deceive, along with all the rest of it. Intended for an adult audience (think of these items as comics without the graphics). Every collection suitable to be the ideal reading companion for any seated occasion.
eBook Image

Do buy my eBooks and help me to topple Bill Gates off the top of that swanky Forbes's list. eBook Image

What, you want to get bogged down in some inane novel written by a tiresome pointless novelist, or you wanna laugh at the stupidity of Man?

[You may preview these eBooks at Amazon.com]

       The Kindle Store

              The Perfect Gift
            for friend or enemy
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       Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at The KOBO Store.

****************************************************

       Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at Barnes & Noble.

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  "Remember: If you don't want me to quip
    about you, just stay out of the headlines!
"

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What to Know About Having a ‘Green’ Funeral

They pitch the corpse in a swamp tied to a rope and let it soak there a few days 'fore they haul it back out & pour it in the coffin. [Looking green!]

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What It’s Like to Be Black in Austin

It's like being white in Zimbabwe. [Human nature, you know, not racism.]

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Forget Mexico, Trump Can’t Even Get Congress To Pay For His Wall

What's the big deal? Just tell Trump to put some damn clothes on before he goes out his yard, for God's sakes!

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China’s Space Station May Crash to Earth on April Fools’ Day

OMG! It's gonna land on your city! [April's Fool!]

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Why Asking About Citizenship Could Make the Census Less Accurate

Hey, stupid: Politicos don't care about the census being accurate. What they care about is making the census into their political weapon.

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Regions across the country where home flipping is hottest

Hercules's regions that have lots of antisemites.
And Samson's regions with the fewest antisemites.

****************************************************

State Department braces for Bolton’s return

Don't worry--It won't be long before Trump replaces him [in a tizzy] with Roseanne Barr or somebody.

****************************************************

Rapper Killer Mike defends owning a gun

Sez his Rapper's License would get revoked if he didn't own one.

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Ex-Playboy Model Who Claims Affair With Trump Says He Made Her Cry

Everyone's attracted to everyone else for their own weird reasons, I guess.

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Why He Kayaked Across the Atlantic at 70 (for the Third Time)

Because the same great white keeps waiting for him out in the open sea and it can't do more'm the top 60s's why!

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Ask the French: Are they really rude?

"Well, that was a mistake!"

****************************************************

Former Disney actor, 22, joins White House

She will be in charge of doing the Mickey Mouse voice-overs for President Trump whenever he can't think of'em himself.

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US cop kills unarmed man with pants down

"He definitely had something in his hand, Judge." [OR: Cop must have been holstering a couple of really heavy caliber guns.]

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Driver tries to hit 2 soldiers with vehicle in French Alps

"Soon as he swung that truck over his head we knew the guy was bad news."

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Romanian village pestered by brandy-drinking bear

"He just will not accept the fact that we've only got vodka."

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Sperm race funds rare bird's survival

Winner of the race will be given a cigarette.

****************************************************

Does Justin Trudeau apologise too much?

Lots worse things he could do if he weren't busy apologizing, you know.

****************************************************

Stormy Daniels’s lawyer pushes to depose Trump, saying Americans have been told ‘a bucket of lies’

Just one bucket? This is Trump we're talking about: Trump pours out nothing but buckets & buckets & buckets & buckets of lies.

****************************************************

You May Be Using Your Child’s Car Seat Incorrectly

I do feel a bit squeezed in it, yes!

****************************************************

These Are Society’s Worst Crimes Against Peeps

1) spreading black paint around the peeping holes

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People Want To Know Why Brooklyn Museum’s New African Art Curator Is White

Answer: Because his ancestors left Africa a long, long, long time ago. [It's one of the lessons the African Art museum wants visitors to learn--otherwise they'll continue to believe white & black people came from different planets.]

****************************************************

Syrians fleeing war, bloodshed now stranded on Greek island of Lesbos

Claim Lesbians are the best.

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Pope on Holy Thursday urges priests to be close to sinners

"Way ahead of you." [Priests tell Pope they couldn't be closer to sinners if they tried.]

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No, bacon does not make everything better

I slabbed a whole load of bacon on my boss's head and it only made him an even worse boss!

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Judge denies Stormy Daniels’s bid to expedite case against Trump over confidential agreement

Sez that Trump is such a terrible President that he's certain to be re-elected for a second term. ["So be patient!"]

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An investigation: Had people heard the word ‘trillion’ a decade ago?

Yes: For more than 20 years or more now I've been getting at least that many overdue bills in the mail every month.

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The Fix: Trump says U.S. will leave Syria ‘very soon’ — despite promises not to telegraph military moves

I'm sorry, but, when have you known Trump to NOT talk out both sides of his mouth?

****************************************************

Paleontologist Talks About Fossil ‘Find Of A Lifetime’ In Area Cut From Bears Ears

"It might be some kind of bears skull."

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CBD is cannabis that won’t get you high. So why are so many people using it?

Altitude sickness.

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Prominent Houston Pastor Indicted on Charges of Defrauding Investors

"The bum told everybody there was a God!" ["And that He needed some cash!"]

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The richest Americans get a $33,000 tax break under the GOP tax law. The poorest get $40.

In the rich's defense: The poor don't have to tip much.

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Trilobites: Why Do Cracking Knuckles Make That Noise? You Might Need a Calculator

Reminds us of when we used to drag them that many millions of years ago and they cracked naturally.

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Biggest Threat to Humanity? Climate Change, U.N. Chief Says

"If we had the right climate, we could easily put 60 ... 80 billion more people here."

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Russian Envoy Derides US Claim of Arming Taliban

Of course, the customary usual Russian "implausible deniability" finesse (defense).

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McCabe launches GoFundMe to raise money for legal costs

These things never work: I once launched a GoFundMe to become a billionaire and fell a couple of millions short.

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Bush Ethics Chief Warns Trump Insiders: People Will Go ‘To The Slammer’

Unfortunately everybody already in the slammer was also told this before ending up there.

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Suspect in school attack plot had 'unusual ideas'

"Macaroni... and Chiclets."

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Going Cashless: My Journey Into the Future

I can see it: That's pretty much been my journey to this point in time.

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U.S. Says It Can Pay for 100 Miles of Wall on 2,000-Mile Border

The rest will be paid by raising the toll on Mexicans crossing illegally into the U.S.

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Schwarzenegger Wakes Up From Open Heart Surgery With A Catchphrase

"Maghria! I didn't dooit! I didn't dooit!"

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The Latest: Pope Francis asks forgiveness for host of sins

Sez years ago he'd been the notorious Córdoba Cannibal serial killer.

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Russia to expel 60 US diplomats, close consulate

"Joke's on them: Whereas before Trump we used to register our spies as janitors--Now all our diplomats really are janitors."

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Yesterday’s favorite, Honduras whiplashed by Trump threats to cut U.S. aid

What a surprise.

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China lists $50B of US goods it might hit with 25 pct tariff

Sez US will have to hit their bads themselves.

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Bahrain's largest oil find estimated at 80 billion barrels

Boast that's more than enough to cover every living creature on earth with up to sixty inches of tar.

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Trump says he didn’t know his attorney paid $130,000 to porn star Stormy Daniels

"I thought she was doing it strictly for the love she bore me," the Twit Tweeted.

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Egypt sentences 35 to life on terror charges

It's encouraging to finally see one of these Mideast Arab governments becoming more pro-life, for a change.

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'Avengers: Infinity War' Directors, Downey Ask for Secrecy

Sez the movie's only worthwhile thing is the surprise ending, when the hero is killed. [Dude, that's basically every surprise ending in these type movies, you know.]

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Cool Jazz: Bowhead Whales Improvise When Singing, Study Says

Does not say if they considered that maybe they just can't remember the song.

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2 men jailed for killing goat at petting zoo in Germany

"Sorry, Judge: We pet every kid the same as we pet our own kids."

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Classic car found buried in back garden

"Ah! So that's where I put it!"

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Trump claimed his plan to put troops on the border is extraordinary. It was routine for Obama.

You should know by now every time Trump picks his nose it's like "the greatest nose-picking in the entire history of man."

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More dogs die on United than on any other airline. Here’s why.

Their over-indulging nature--lett'n'em stick their heads out the window whenever they want.

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Trump Calls Amazon and Other Businesses ‘Stupid’ on Twitter

Yeah: They don't use bankruptsy to defraud their employees and creditors like Trump's businesses.

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He Ate the World’s Hottest Pepper, Then Landed in the Hospital With ‘Thunderclap’ Headaches

Should've had a V8

****************************************************

House in Texas explodes after being struck by car

Wouldn't you know it was the only house in the entire neighborhood NOT underwater.

****************************************************

Catalonia's defiant ex-leader freed on bail from German jail

Does not say why the jail posted his bail. [Maybe he doesn't bathe as often as he should.]

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Trump threatened China with $100 billion in tariffs. Beijing plays it cool.

Chinese are morons: They should've known when Trump threatened 60 billion in tariffs he was just blowing it out his ass & would've settled for a couple of thousand bucks' concessions. But now they've pushed Trump into a corner, and a cornered rat is always a dangerous animal.

****************************************************

Is Russia all out of oligarchs? It says it is.

Putin claims he's pretty sure he got all their wealth in his own name now.

****************************************************

Germany: mother and son apparently killed by their dog

Dog used the gun it owned legally, as it was a guard dog.

****************************************************

French mayor sorry for Ikea April Fool

"Ha! Knew he couldn't have slapped together his Ikea stool in under an hour!"

****************************************************

There’s no victory for Trump in Syria, but he could court disaster

The best punishment the U.S. could inflict on all the evildoers in Syria would be to do nothing and just let them keep punishing themselves there. [Certainly the civilians there don't need us punishing them on top of everybody else there already doing it.]

****************************************************

Trump Denounces Raid as ‘Attack on Our Country’

For Trump, "Anything that gets my ass closer to the slammer" is an attack on our country.

****************************************************

Don’t Get Married Yet If Your Partner Does These 9 Things

1) goes out of his way to run over pigeons/squirrels
2) enjoys tripping waiters/buss boys more'n tipping'em
3) is holding a garage full of tricycles "for ransom"
4) steals small appliances from your house every visit
5) boasts about the hurt he's put on previous lovers
6) throws rocks at old people walking out on the street
7) makes his money borrowing from Alzheimer sufferers
8) pushes people off train platforms in his spare time
9) claims there's no such things as a restraining order

****************************************************

Virginia’s Tony Bennett was voted college basketball coach of year, and he beat you to all of your jokes

Wonder if that includes the one about the clown who'd beat people up until they laughed because that's the only talent for clowning he had?

****************************************************

Alert cat wakes owner who spots thief, leading to an arrest in Maryland

"I thought the best course of action," cat told reporters, "was to just let the two of them fight it out."

****************************************************

We’ve seen this movie before. It ended with impeachment.

Yeah, but this one's a talkie, and in spectacular Technicolor. Enjoy!

****************************************************

Here's Why I Invented A 'Death Machine' That Lets People Take Their Own Lives

"Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door," yes, we know, Mister Ralph Waldo Emerson. ["Hey, Ma! Look: I'm a billionaire."]

****************************************************

Nazi legacy found in Norwegian trees

Most of'em are still standing there with at least one branch making the Nazi salute!

****************************************************

Builders find mummified monkey in US shop

Does not say what they were building, but Monkey must've been quite a steal to make it into the papers like this.

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What did Trump mean when he said the U.S. missiles heading for Syria are ‘smart’?

He means they're smarter than he is.

****************************************************

SpaceX Capsule Reaches Space Station With Food, Experiments

Guess it needed the food to keep up its strength for all that experimenting up there.

****************************************************

Sex Abuse Scandal Casts Shadow Over Nobel Prize for Literature

So, what then... Lady GaGa ain't gett'n it this year?!

****************************************************

Fossil Finger Points to Early Humans Entering Saudi Arabia

Pointing was accompanied by creepy organ music.

****************************************************

‘The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven’ now wants his day in court

Claims God touched him inappropriately.

****************************************************

It would be the world’s largest airplane. It’s being built by a billionaire. And it’s getting ready to fly.

It's so big they will be able to grow all the weed they want in it, bail it up, & then unload it all upon landing without having to pick up any of it in Mexico.

****************************************************

A $4 bottle of nonalcoholic ‘rosé’ welcomes everyone to the party

Same bottle of grape juice without the ‘rosé’ label is $1.75 over at Pop's.

****************************************************

After his new national security adviser gets enthusiastic applause, Trump says he might have to fire him

Should have told the audience to applaud Trump instead: This is a grievous fault in any Trump lackey--who is now certainly made himself worthy of being fired by Trump.

****************************************************

They lured a sex-predator suspect to their home and hogtied him. Now they could face charges.

From the hog?

****************************************************

Russia accused of tampering with the site of alleged Syrian chemical attack

Impossible! What, an honorable man like Putin, a high-principled country like Russia?!

****************************************************

Nikki Haley finds herself under the bus as Trump shifts course on Russia

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Multiple shark maulings fail to keep Australian surfers from the water

"Er-ah! I was mauled three time this morning," said one Aussie: "But e-ah I am again Band-Aids & all whipping'em waves, mate!"

****************************************************

France’s Macron tries to walk back remarks that he persuaded Trump to keep troops in Syria

I've done this. Once I told people I had invented the horse & had to do a long walk after I got thrown off that high horse.

****************************************************

Starbucks CEO calls for ‘unconscious bias’ training

Apparently scientists have finally given up trying to teach people to be unbiased while they're still awake. ["Can't be done, sir. Can not be done."] So instead they're gonna try knocking it into their heads.

****************************************************

Russia: Syria chemical attack 'fabrication'

This is the Russians' way of proving to the world exactly what a big bunch of liars they are (without actually having to say so explicitly).

****************************************************

Shaquille O’Neal Doesn’t Know Who The Queen Of England Is

In Shaquille O’Neal's defense: There are so many rappers out there these days that it's damn hard keeping'em straight.

****************************************************

Joe Wilson Reacts To Libby Pardon: ‘Trump Is A Vile And Despicable Individual’

Cohen: Tethered to a Raging Buffoon Called Trump

See! This is the problem with getting into public life, Mister Trump: Everybody finally gets to know the real you. [from the best-selling You Can Run, And Then You Can't Hide]

****************************************************

‘Untruthful slime ball’: Trump blasts Comey as details emerge from scathing book

‘Untruthful slime ball’: Yes! Of course! That's the term I was searching for which exactly characterizes Donald Trump: Thanks!

****************************************************

NASA Rocketed Human Sperm Into Space

Nothing to worry about here: Just Trump's salute to the universe.

****************************************************

Could Russia and West be heading for cyber-war?

Russia accused of net hack attacks

A few more such attacks and, yes, it could yet dawn on the West that they might be heading into a cyber-war with Russia someday.

****************************************************

Gay vultures' chick released in Italy

Wonder how they got one of them to lay the egg.

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Russian reporter dies after mystery fall

Putin claims to have proof that the men he sent to throw him over the fifth-floor railing had absolutely nothing to do with it. [And everybody in Russia believes him, of course.]

****************************************************

If You Own Guns You Don’t Want Anymore, We Want To Talk To You

Please call The Crips Inc.
Please call The Bloods Inc.

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PENCE AIDE OUT AFTER 2 DAYS

Yeah! Beat that, Mister Trump! ["Did. I canned Scaramucci even before he started the job."] Oh.

****************************************************

New museum chief fiercely promotes African art, but faces a more prosaic problem at home

His family doesn't appreciate the fierce attitude he brings home from work.

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GM claims the Chevy Bolt gets 238 miles per charge. Here’s why that’s misleading.

Every time you step on the brakes it uses power, so too when you use the radio, air conditioner, open a window, turn a light on... and so it really only goes 2 and a half blocks [max] per charge. [Unless you push it, of course.]

****************************************************

You may be surprised what retirement income is taxed and what isn’t

1) retirement income of those who need it is
2) retirement income of those who don't need it ain't

[courtesy The RNC]

****************************************************

William Nack, prizewinning sportswriter and bard of Secretariat, dies at 77

Wait, what?... The horse wasn't writing his own poetry?!? [And here I thought it was pretty good stuff too, for a horse.]

****************************************************

School Apologizes For Asking Students To List ‘Positive Aspects’ Of Slavery

1) iron-clad job security

****************************************************

Greece: Man electrocuted at rail depot thought to be migrant

How drunk ya gotta be to think a rail depot was a migrant?!

****************************************************

North Korea says it has suspended nuclear and long-range missile tests, plans to close nuclear test site

Guess Kim Jong Un reads the papers too & want to get a hold of Trump before they stick him in the slammer.

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US: Russia, Syria sanitizing chemical attack site

What a waste! What bugs could've lived through that?

****************************************************

Swaziland king says he's renaming the country

From now on it will be known as Joey's.

****************************************************

Australia bank charged fees to dead clients

In the bank's defense: Not one of'em disputed the charges.

****************************************************

Aussies split over plans to trap peacocks

Peacocks split over not wanting to be trapped but also not wanting to be ignored either. Stay tuned.

****************************************************

Prague zookeepers use puppet to raise endangered magpie

Puppet would rather be working Vegas, but sez lucky to get any gig.

****************************************************

Developers turn to offering renters 'micro-apartments'

"My husband especially loves the handy bed/toilet combo."

****************************************************

‘The essence of life is kind of a nostalgia anticipation sandwich’: Philosophy 101 with Julian Casablancas

Dude, the essence of life is shit: Plants eat our shit & we eat theirs. [Then, when we all die: We eat them & they eat us. Still shit, though: Everything always ends up in shit.]

****************************************************

Ingenious baboons escape Texas biomedical lab for brief taste of freedom

"Sorry," the guard apologized: "They said they were foreign-exchange researchers. Showed me ID and everything." ["Frankly, some of'em looked more human than a lot of the people that work here."]

****************************************************

Richard Jenrette, noted investment banker, dies at 89

His last words were, "God! All I need's just one more lousy million!"

****************************************************

New inspector general report points to recurring government problems

1) government's being run by people who know how to work the system instead of people who know how to make the system work

****************************************************

How to live it up without going broke before you die

1) find out when you're going to die, and then budget your cash accordingly. [If you're more short of cash than life, sorry.]

****************************************************

Man exposes himself to a child at a Maryland store, police say

"I should have exposed myself to something less toxic, like cyanide or radiation," he later told police.

****************************************************

Do Americans need to adapt to America in decline?

When Americans no longer care whether their leaders are ethical or moral our "decline" is not all that far away from the complete collapse of the American experiment. Trump is a sign of America's decline: Really, the most important sign that Americans themselves may be impatient for that collapse.

[In unrelated news: Trump stubbed his toe today and then tweeted that this definitively proves that there was never any collusion.]

****************************************************

Male fruit flies find ejaculation pleasurable, Israeli researchers find

You mean they don't do it out of a sense of duty?!

****************************************************

Squirrel Wins UC Berkeley Student Senate Seat

In squirrel's defense: He was the only one in class paying any attention that entire year.

****************************************************

Copperfield forced to reveal magic trick

It turned out that when David turned his back to the audience he'd hide the elephant in a false tooth!

****************************************************

‘Overwhelmed’ Letter Carrier Allegedly Held Onto 17,000 Pieces Of Mail

Postal Service now studying feasibility of having each letter carrier hold on to at least that many pieces of mail in order to cut costs.

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Cohen Said He’d Take a Bullet for Trump. Maybe Not Anymore.

In Cohen's defense: He didn't actually say it had to be fired from a gun. [from The Lawyer's Tricks Handbook]

****************************************************

Can You Guess What America Will Look Like in 10,000 Years? A Quiz

What do we get if we get it right?

****************************************************

Uranus Is Actually A Giant Ball Of Farts Floating In Space, Study Finds

I did suspect some of'em might be powerful enough to go that high, yes. But mine is a down-to-earth ass, I assure you.

****************************************************

Shark attacks man who was bitten in head by a bear. Then there was the rattlesnake ...

Next up: "Balancing a black widow spider on the tip of my tongue."

****************************************************

How to enjoy the alcohol that once betrayed you

Rub it on your skin instead of pouring it down your gullet.

****************************************************

Man Shoots Wife Going to Bathroom, Mistaking Her for Burglar

In man's defense: Last thing you want is some burglar breaking in on you while you're sitting on the Crapper.

****************************************************

Scientists Find Lots of Gorillas in Census, Also See Decline

The gorillas seem to be living mostly everywhere the constructing boom is now in decline.

****************************************************

The Final House Intelligence Committee Report On Russia Defends Trump

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Toxic Caterpillars Invading Parts of London, Officials Warn

Anti-Toxicaterpillophobes already planning protests.

****************************************************

Former Trump Tower in Azerbaijan, Dogged by Controversy, Is Engulfed by Fire

Guess the old saying is true: Satan loves to take up residence at Trump's fire traps.

****************************************************

Republicans Reject Investigation Into Why Paul Ryan Fired House Chaplain

Patrick Conroy was forced out of his job after praying for no “winners and losers” under the GOP tax law.

Paul Ryan sez no tax plan can have winners without having losers. [And that he damn well knows whom he designed coming out the losers in his massive tax fraud.]

****************************************************

America can’t quite decide what to do with its first ladies

Well, guess we've finally laughed at them long enough.

****************************************************

Investigation at dead end in American University hate crime

Conclusion: Everyone hates as much as he loves. And as much as we all love to love people for what they love... we all love to hate people for what they hate. We also love people for what they hate & hate people for what they love, too. [So it's pointless to toss up this coin.]

****************************************************

Here’s what it takes to whiten teeth

Same thing it takes those big apes at the gym to build up their mountains of muscles: Lots of wasted life going back & forth or up & down. [Probably both.]

****************************************************

Let’s take our kids to work and teach them about inequality

Yeah! We've been working there too long.

****************************************************

What sound does a penguin make?

Sounds like a penguin.

****************************************************

Hundreds evacuated a college library, fearing a gas leak. It was a durian.

Yes, of course! I was abducted by a bunch of durians once & taken to the planet Duro, where I met Mark Twain: [Funny guy.] Then they flew me back to Earth just in time for my release from the asylum.

****************************************************

Trump said it was ‘tough to watch too much’ of the Paralympics. Was it derogatory?

Has Trump ever said anything that was not derogatory? [Google it! Google it!]

****************************************************

Macron and Merkel have handed Trump a road map

Trump doesn't read [maps, anything]. He sez he'll find his own way to the can. "Thank you."

****************************************************

Five myths about artificial intelligence

1) things, objects & other stuff [cars, phones, toasters] will never become as intelligent as people

****************************************************

Almost half of pregnancies in the U.S. are unplanned. There’s a surprisingly easy way to change that.

Cut the pretense and just go on your date with every intention of getting pregnant.

****************************************************

Now Roseanne Barr Dreams Of Being Israel’s Prime Minister

Sez she might not be able to run a country but she can talk trash better than Netanyahu.

****************************************************

Some Democrats Want Clinton To Return DNC’s Money

Clinton can return some purses & shoes & pant dresses she bought with it, but the rest of the cash is gone. Sorry.

****************************************************

Swing back, sweet pendulum!

Coming for to take me some time. Oh!

****************************************************

Does Trump deserve credit for the Korea negotiations?

Yes. Trump is the greatest Korean speaker in all human history.

****************************************************

A rare eye cancer showed up in three friends. Doctors want to know if the cases are connected.

"Who you'all been peeping at?"

****************************************************

Roy Moore lawsuit claims ‘political conspiracy’ against him in Senate race

Sez the aluminum foil he's been wrapping around his head ain't helping him any, either.

****************************************************

Kelly denies calling Trump an ‘idiot,’ says news report is ‘pathetic attempt to smear people’

Sez the last person you call an idiot's an idiot.

****************************************************

What's changed after Netanyahu's show?

'Something' had the BBC used 'presentation' instead of 'show' in its news headline. But same ole/same ole, we see.

****************************************************

Trump wrote own health letter, doctor says

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Kanye West suggests slavery was 'a choice'

The choice of the slave owners, sure.

****************************************************

India worried as Taj Mahal changes colour

Sherwin-Williams already looking into it as a possible new business opportunity.

****************************************************

Many GOP politicians dislike Trump. They’re terrified to admit it.

You know, same as with Satan and all the demons of Hell.

****************************************************

California Man Admits Illegally Importing Protected Fish

Sez he didn't admit to it before because he first had to take it out of his mouth... where he was protecting it.

****************************************************

He bottle-fed a lion cub. Ten years later, it attacked him on video and was shot dead.

Apparently there WERE some parts of LION he didn't understand.

****************************************************

Trump Replaces Ty Cobb With Clinton Impeachment Lawyer

Lawyer not as tough running bases but his spit balls are much more slimy. [And Trump prefers that on his team.]

****************************************************

Mueller and Co. are playing hardball

Shouldn't they be working? [This is why Trump gets away with so much stuff.]

****************************************************

Could you pass Trump's brain test?

You mean how deep the roots of his transpanted ass hair grow? Or whether Trump has one?

****************************************************

Man Accused of Masturbating on Train Rips His Wanted Posters

"Here," he said: "I'll take my pants down right now and you can shoot a much better picture with your phone for my mug shot than that piece of crap up there!"

****************************************************

Don’t pick any of the favorites to win the Kentucky Derby

Put all your money on the nag you know's gonna be coming in last like you normally do.

****************************************************

Bomber kills 2 in attack on Pakistan nuclear agency bus

One good thing is he won't be doing that again.

****************************************************

Giuliani claims Trump ‘immune’ from Mueller subpoena

Sez His Majesty Trump is so far above the law they're constantly having to reel him back down to earth (ten, twelve times per day).

****************************************************

This 104-year old Australian academic wants to die — and Switzerland is ready to help

"Such a waste!" Austria cried out: "We've got a cannibal down here could use a few gamey pounds like that."

****************************************************

Camille Cosby on her husband’s conviction: ‘This is mob justice, not real justice’

Well, Bill Cosby done a whole mob of women wrong, and now is their day of Justice. So mob justice it may well be. Hey, hey, hey.

****************************************************

What Robert Mueller Reportedly Wants To Ask Trump

1) Mumbo Jumbo poopity poo
     I am me--Who are you?

****************************************************

Giuliani is repeating mistakes that brought down previous Trump advisers

Really, how many times these morons gotta be told that Trump doesn't have advisers--what he has is [people who had reputations before he hired them] to act as puppets because he's convinced that making his stupid gibberish come out of their mouths will make it sound intelligent.

****************************************************

Iran pushes app with 'Death to America' emoji

"We're a religious nation," said they: "So the normal thing for us is to wish death on others and, in fact, if they don't die to then go over and butcher them." ["It's in all the religious texts."]

****************************************************

The rise and fall of Brazilian art patron Bernardo Paz

Rose when he had the cash to patronize the arts. Fell when they found out he was broke & they kicked his ass out to the pavement.

****************************************************

I sold all I had to go to Europe - now I'm home, and broke

Then my neighbor told me that our country is part of Europe, and always has been! Damn it!

****************************************************

The woman who watched 300 executions

"The hardest part was framing enough of'em," (when she started running out of people sentenced to death), "so I could break the record."

****************************************************

The Other Reason Trump Hasn't Fired Scott Pruitt: His Evangelical Christian Ties

Sez Pruitt's bow ties are really hypnotic when he twirls them under his chin--You can just make out Jesus in the swirl.

****************************************************

Paris gallery opens its doors to nudists

But fear not: Gallery seats will now be upholstered with toilet paper.

****************************************************

Printing Body Parts in Hospital Shows 3D Tech's Growing Reach

Cut the pretense: They're making sex toys.

****************************************************

Amid Trade Tensions, Merkel Commends Macron's 'Elan'

Macron then commended Merkel's own doggy 'Schpitz'

****************************************************

US college loses weapons-grade plutonium

'If those kids want to have plutonium," said the dean: "They'll just have to order it through the internet like everyone else."

****************************************************

NASA Terminates Last Moon Rover After Trump Touts New Era Of Lunar Exploration

Trump sez Moon Rover will no longer be wider than a mile. And nobody's gonna be crossing it in style any day soon (unless they let his daughter Palanka become an astronaut first).

****************************************************

Is Scott Pruitt the most corrupt member of the Trump administration?

No. Trump is the most corrupt. Then members of his immediate family. After that: extended & distant members of his family. And only after all of those... associates who are not family but only capos like Pruitt.

****************************************************

How many questions could Trump answer in a 2-hour interview with Mueller?

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that question?"

****************************************************

9/11 Mastermind Waterboarded By CIA Has Information To Share About Gina Haspel

Man, this guy's just an incorrigible, terrible, terrible snitch!

****************************************************

Trump thanks federal employees with $143.5 billion in retirement cuts

That is SO like Trump. But, hey: They're not the first Trump's flim-flamed. And they certainly won't be the last. ["Trust me," sez Trump.]

****************************************************

Company sold $25,000 ‘service dogs’ that were really just untrained puppies, Virginia says

In the company' defense: The ads didn't specifically say the 'service dogs' had already been trained. Did they?

****************************************************

Trump just accelerated Iran’s implosion. He won’t like the results.

I'm sorry, were you born yesterday? Or is it that you have no idea who this Trump guy is?

****************************************************

This 104-year-old just died, after making a parting statement about assisted suicide

"Ah! Now this is living!"

****************************************************

Trump muses about yanking news media credentials in response to negative coverage

Sure. Erdogan and Putin do it all the time; so why not Trumpie? Hitler and Stalin were the best at it, though.

****************************************************

Mercedes Expects 3-Way Fight to Continue in Spanish GP

Does not name the other two girls Mercedes is in the fight with--All we know is they obviously must also speak Spanish.

****************************************************

Insurance Companies Unfairly Discriminate Against Mental Illness

In insurance companies' defense: When they tried to discriminate against it fairly, it bit'em in the ass.

****************************************************

Woman married days after losing arm to crocodile

"Men ask for a woman's hand," said the croc: "And we snatch the entire arm."

****************************************************

92-year-old set to become world's oldest elected leader in Malaysia

Supporters debating when to wake him and let him know he has won the election. ["Not until there's a doctor present, though!"]

****************************************************

Philippines to launch first missile-firing assault vessels

Duterte's already ordered the best, strongest rubber bands made in China.

****************************************************

Iranian MP denies Iran has bases in Syria...

Well, sure, now that Israel's destroyed them all.

****************************************************

What happened when I stopped trying to be the best mom and embraced being an okay mom

Your baby just learned to talk & told you where to get off. [from the best-selling It Happens To Each Mom]

****************************************************

We Need To Talk About White People Calling The Cops On People Of Color

Hello, police? There's a strange man outside...

Ma'am, we can't go out after every strange man out there.

He might be black.

Oh? What makes you think he's black?

He's talking to himself, waving his arms about, and he jerks up & down a lot when he walks.

Yeah. He sounds black. Keep your door closed and we'll be there in a jiffy. When we get there keep your head down as low as you can in case he is black.

****************************************************

Der Spiegel Cover Portrays Trump As A Finger Flipping Off Europe

In Trump's defense: He IS a finger flipping off everyone.

****************************************************

At campaign rallies for Republican hopefuls, Trump’s focus is on himself

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Elon Musk’s latest innovation attempt: A SpaceX rocket that can fly twice in one day

Sez that SpaceX's corporate goal is creating a rocket that will fly time after time after time until it just blows up.

****************************************************

Europe faces a wave of freed terror convicts. Is it ready?

In the worst case scenario they can always ask Russia to come in and help them, like Assad.

****************************************************

Putin Scores 5 Goals in Exhibition Hockey Game

Russian police still searching for the bodies of the hockey players in a previous exhibition game in which Putin didn't score any goals at all.

****************************************************

Killers of Mexican Students Dissolved 12 Victims in Acid

In drug cartel assassins' defense: They did try tequila first; but it was a no-go.

****************************************************

Pence says it’s time for special counsel to ‘wrap up’ Russia investigation

The guy is shameless: He just can't wait until Trump's indicted and removed from office so he can take over!

****************************************************

Salma Hayek says change is happening in Hollywood, but male actors should take pay cuts

Male actors immediately heard across Hollywood calling their agents and asking them to negotiate for less money.

****************************************************

Double amputee who his lost his feet climbing Everest 43 years ago finally reaches summit

"Nope: Not up here either!" ["Hope it doesn't also take me 43 years to get to the bottom!"]

****************************************************

A 14th human foot — this one in a hiking boot — washes ashore in Canada

Canadian government proposes classes for its citizens on how to take their shoes off less violently. [You know how forceful those Canadians can be!]

****************************************************

Al Qaeda chief says Tel Aviv also belongs to Muslims

In Al Qaeda chief's defense: The Koran sez the whole world belongs to Islam [or else!], so why not Tel Aviv too.

****************************************************

Surest Way in New York to Face Marijuana Charges: Be Black or Hispanic

Apparently, if a cop don't know whether to deport you or shoot you arresting you for weed is the compromise in NY.

****************************************************

Reasons I May Be Eating Right Now

1) Hungry.

2) I'm at mom's.

3) There's a 2-for-1 special at Dogs Gone.

4) Something's in my mouth & it ain't Joan.

****************************************************

Katy Perry Meets Pope Francis, Speaks At Vatican Conference

Katy said she wants an end to war and for people to love & care for one another. [Pope Francis said he agrees with most of that.]

****************************************************

Mosquito- And Tick-Borne Diseases Have Tripled, But The CDC Won't Say It's Climate Change

They're still insisting it's the ticks and mosquitos themselves.

****************************************************

No, A Monkey Can't Copyright His Selfies, Federal Appeals Court Rules

Monkey now trying to set up a dummy corporation [Mano-A-Mono] to do a work-about the prohibition. Stay tuned.

****************************************************

Trump Declares Hawaii’s Devastating Eruptions A Major Disaster

Classic from The Annals of Pot Calling The Kettle Black.

****************************************************

Pink Had A Badass Response To A Troll Who Said She Looked Old

"Ha! Joke's on you, you sonnabitch: I'm really a LOT older than I look!"

****************************************************

Larry Nassar’s Victims To Receive $500 Million In Michigan State Settlement

Michigan State tells employees: "See, this is why we haven't been giving you guys raises all these years."

****************************************************

ETHICS OFFICE FLAGS TRUMP’S 100K PAYMENT TO COHEN

Trump fires everybody in Ethics Office (none of whom had apparenly heard that Trump has no ethics whatsoever, poor bastards).

****************************************************

Indian-American Rep. Tactfully Responds To Caller Who Questions Her Citizenship

The only reason you are a citizen is because the constitution says how & why you are a citizen, same as with everyone else who is a citizen.

****************************************************

World slams disproportionate force in Gaza as IDF kills dozens of Gazans

"All the Gazans want is to run into Israel and butcher as many Jews as possible--Is that really too much to ask?!?"

****************************************************

SpaceX's Upgraded Rocket Soars With Satellite for Bangladesh

Guess Bangladesh must be up from where they fired the rocket.

****************************************************

Cancer Docs Feel Unprepared, but Recommend Marijuana Anyway

Say dope makes them feel better about all their medical school failures & setbacks & shit.

****************************************************

Israel Protests at Televised Turkish Airport Patdown of Its Envoy

This is absolutely Israel's fault: It should've known that you don't go live with a pack of dogs and expect to not be bitten.

****************************************************

What would you do with $300 million to improve Miami Beach? The city wants to know.

I would move to Vegas. Hell, all my neighbors at the Beach're trying to crowdfund me outta there now.

****************************************************

Did he act as the lookout for gold bar heist? Suspect says he was just along for the ride

So the Judge told him he was to get off soon as he got to the clinker.

****************************************************

The Latest: Seattle approves business tax for homelessness

From now on if your business is being homeless in Seatle you're no longer going to be able to ride the gravy train.

****************************************************

As D.I.Y. Gene Editing Gains Popularity, ‘Someone Is Going to Get Hurt’

Probably the guy whose genes they're editing: "Let's see what he looks like with hands in place of ears." ["What were we thinking, right!"] "A head that can take off its hat by itself?"

****************************************************

Polish soccer fans accidentally lit their own stadium on fire

Obviously ignored the First Rule of Polish Lawbreakers: "Find a policeman and ask him if you're at the bank which you intend to rob."

****************************************************

Do more people believe in God in Trump's America?

Gotta: Everybody knows God's a brutal merciless butcher [there is NO such thing as a good "act of God"], so people turning more evil by the minute now shows God is definitely in the mix here.

****************************************************

The only pancakes worth getting out of bed for on a lazy Sunday

Those somebody else made. [What'd you think!]

****************************************************

This new Oreo flavor tastes like floor cleaner

"Wow! We didn't think anybody'd get it this quickly." [But, really: Who knew there was anybody out there sipping floor cleaner?]

****************************************************

The Farm Bill Could Be A Huge Blow To Animals

Cows are threatening to moo.

****************************************************

While Black: Have You Been Profiled? Share Your Story.

Yes: While I was black I was profiled. So I decided to go back to being white & that fixed it: Cops that used to drag me outta my car through the window now wave at me & wish me a good day. [from the best-setting Once You're White You Never Go Black]

****************************************************

Teacher Caught On Video Drowning Raccoons With Students

Police investigating raccoon drownings as possible cruelty to animals. It will be up to the parents whether drowning students should also be investigated.

****************************************************

Late passenger attempts to break into plane

"Sir, please get off the wing: You keep making the plane bank to the right!"

****************************************************

Calling immigrants ‘animals,’ Trump evokes an ugly history of dehumanization

Congratulations Donald Trump on so corrupting the humanity of those who heard you say this & other barbarities that none of them ever voices an objection.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: Try as we may, we can’t turn a blind eye to tragedy

Nonsense: First, make sure one of your eyes is blind. [Or blind it.]

****************************************************

Kerry says civil discourse is under threat around the world

Yeah, but he's a dickhead.

****************************************************

Japanese and Macedonian climbers die on Mount Everest

The good news is: If nobody died climbing Mount Everest everybody'd lose interest in trying to get themselves killed climbing it. So this is definitely a win-win.

****************************************************

Security Council mulls mission to protect Palestinians

To protect Palestinians or to protect Hamas? Because if they really wanted to protect Palestinians all they'd have to do is kill Hamas.

****************************************************

You’re not doing anything wrong when it comes to wine

Just guzzle it. You'll be ok.

****************************************************

Man Yelling About Trump Opens Fire In President’s Florida Golf Club

Sez Trump stiffed him for five hot dogs and he'd like to be paid!

****************************************************

Belarus restores ties with Sweden after teddy bear rift

Half the cocaine in the teddy bear will go to Belarus and the other half will go to Sweden.

****************************************************

Bear researcher in 'dream job' attacked by grizzly

Lesson #1. Grizzly bears do not like to be tickled (even in your wildest dreams).

****************************************************

US student's 'Summa cum laude' graduation cake censored

Store sez these days Mister Summa only comes without laude.

****************************************************

Ariana Grande offers message of hope on attack anniversary

It was accompanied by jiggling of tits, crotch peeks & ass teasing in order to keep the audience's hopes up.

****************************************************

Sweden to distribute brochure in case of crisis or war

Brochure can be easily folded and placed comfortably over the head of a Swede (which is on average larger than the European head).

****************************************************

Palestinian plea to ICC could speed up war crime probe

Hot dog! A pogrom!

****************************************************

Novelist laments Gaza deaths

Typical novelist: Now he's into lamenting them, but where was he when it was still possible to try to prevent them! [That's why I only read historians.]

****************************************************

Teen who started massive Oregon wildfire with fireworks must pay $36 million, judge rules

Teen will now have to extend his paper route.

****************************************************

U.S. Citizens Detained By Border Patrol Agent For ‘Speaking Spanish’
The two women were told that they were speaking Spanish in a state that's "predominantly English-speaking."

Thankfully they were also wearing shoes in a state where people predominantly wear shoes, so the two cancelled out each other.

****************************************************

Sweden adopts law that says non-consensual sex is rape

Other laws adopted that day:

Not paying for what you take from a store is stealing.

Smashing someone's head in with a sledgehammer is murder.

Getting yourself elected president of the United States just to benefit yourself financially is Trump's thing.

****************************************************

If Kim Keeps Nuclear Arms, Can Trump Still Claim Victory?

Kim can do Trump doggy-style and Trump will claim victory without batting an eyelash. This is Trump we're talking about here, not somebody who can recognize the truth or concede reality.

****************************************************

Amazon defends giving police face ID tech

In Amazon's defense: Cops out-bid the criminals.

****************************************************

Plaster falls from La Scala arches, no one injured

Property manager asking singers to please try to keep their high notes a little lower from now on.

****************************************************

Horse whisperer helps stress sufferers

Next up: How to convince some really unwound dudes that they're not horses.

****************************************************

Collins: How Trump Gets Into Your Bed

Great, another bedbug story.

****************************************************

UK man convicted in attempted parachute murder

His attempt to murder his victim by dropping down [as opposed to dropping up] on his head from a plane failed when his parachute opened.

****************************************************

Editorial: If Addiction Is a Disease, Why Is Relapsing a Crime?

When you're addicted to cracking banks you gotta expect some consequences.

****************************************************

Plastic cutlery, plates could be banned in the EU

Yes! Send the poor back to eating with their fingers! [This is The Age of Trump.]

****************************************************

Olympian Gus Kenworthy Mourns Death Of Dog He Adopted From Meat Farm

Does not say whether he gave the dead dog back to the meat farm or it went to waste.

****************************************************

Want to Make Money Like a C.E.O.? Work for 275 Years

Well, I worked for what seems like 275 years but I got nowheres what seems like C.E.O. money!

****************************************************

Bishop Michael Curry Joins Christian March To White House To ‘Reclaim Jesus’

Why doesn't it surprse me Trump's kidnapped Jesus and is holding him hostage?

****************************************************

Newest Head Cracker: Do You Hear 'Brainstorm' Or 'Green Needle'?

Neither. The only thing I'm hearing at the moment is: "Kill'em! Kill'em all!"

****************************************************

'I woke up and didn't recognise my wife'

Do what I do and don't open your eyes until after she's put on her makeup.

****************************************************

Turkish ambassador returns to US post after Jerusalem spat

Sez that's the only way Erdogan can recall him again on the next US-Turkish spat.

****************************************************

Kim Jong Un complains of US 'hegemonism' as summit nears

Kim thinks that might be what's causing his morbid obesity.

****************************************************

‘Racism is not a known side effect,’ Ambien maker says after Roseanne Barr blames it for tweets

Nevertheless, Roseanne's lawyer sez she's suing Ambien for not listing racism as one of its possible side-effects.

****************************************************

Pushing the envelope: Why was Kim's letter for Trump so big?

1) Because this is the first letter Kim has ever written to Santa Claus

2) Because Kim's been told Trump can't read more'm 2 words per page

****************************************************

Space Station Accepts Special Delivery From Virginia

Delivery man blows up outside Space Station putting his pen back in his spacesuit.

****************************************************

Michelle Wolf: ‘Roseanne’ Shouldn’t Have Been Revived To Begin With

"How many times we gotta tell you this: You do NOT resurrect the Frankenstein monster!"

****************************************************

US military plans for future at Guantanamo because of Trump

Hey, if the military believes that's the best place for Trump to serve out his sentence, then who am I to disagree with the milityary?

****************************************************

North Korea-US summit goes through many twists

C'mon, ya gotta've seen this coming from a couple of snakes!

****************************************************

Highlights from Putin's call-in show

"Hello, Vlad? This is your Mother! You know I taught you better than this..." [Click.]

****************************************************

Kim Jong Un impersonator detained in Singapore

They'd like to train him to step in in case the real Un is shot dead by his generals (or by Trump).

****************************************************

Why You Like Listening To The Same Song Over And Over Again

Because I'm too old now to remember how to turn off the damn thing!

****************************************************

NASA Finds Concentrated Batch Of Organic Molecules On Mars

NASA scientists hoping it's an old piss.

****************************************************

Avengers superfan watches film 43 times

Coroner thinks he might have been alive through at least 3 of the showings.

****************************************************

He’s pro-incest, pedophilia and rape. He’s also running for Congress.

What, don't the piece-o-craps in our society also have a right to be represented?

****************************************************

An FBI agent did a back flip in a club, dropped his gun and accidentally shot someone, police say

He got a 9.7 score from the crowd of drunks. [Now let's see what a sober judge scores him.]

****************************************************

The United Nations says Trump is making life harder for the poor

And Trump responded: "Awwwwww..."

****************************************************

Ticketfly has been hacked. Here’s what you need to know.

Ask Putin where he does his money biz: He's never been hacked.

****************************************************

Home security camera shows Florida panther attack house cat

House cat is clearly heard hollering: "Say what?!"

****************************************************

Snake slithers out of car’s air vent as Virginia woman is driving

"And that, officer," explained the snake, "Is how I ended up driving this baby down the road all by my lonely."

****************************************************

Report: Gazans to dress like concentration camp prisoners in protest

Members of Hamas will, of course, be dressing in Nazi guard uniforms. [Don't forget your cameras!] And as it's all just a costume party there will be no need to square any of it with their everyday rabid denial of the Holocaust.

****************************************************

Trump Supports Relaxing Federal Pot Laws, In Blow To Jeff Sessions

And no, Trump won't fire Sessions: When the gods made Sessions look like a scaredy mouse they were not only giving anybody who looks at him the heads up on his nature, but, let's face it, he's the only rat in the Trump administration that actually looks like rodent.

In defense of separating immigrant families, Sessions cites same Bible passage used to defend slavery

****************************************************

Here’s How You Can Tell When It’s Time For A Career Move

1) your paycheck comes printed on a pink slip

****************************************************

Brazil presidential contender criticizes rival's candidacy

This, of course, was unimaginably unexpected.

****************************************************

In the Age of Trump, Civics Courses Make a Comeback

Nothing like living in the Age of Trump to remind us that we are not yet civilized.

****************************************************

Lawyers Ask ICE to Stop Deportation of Delivery Man

This is such a waste of resources: Just deport the guy, have him sneak back in, and give him a job delivering something else for the next ten years he's here until they catch him again.

****************************************************

Fact-Check of the Day: Trump Considers Pardoning Muhammad Ali, Whose Conviction Was Already Overturned

Brilliant! Now, if they can find other ways to make Trump believe he's the one producing reality [after the fact] we might yet be able to survive the last couple of years he's in office!

****************************************************

Supercomputer Does 6.3 Billion Years’ Work in Just a Second

Now we'll be able to build more houses for the poor every hour of every day than there are atoms in the infinite nothingness!

****************************************************

Trump reveals that the first lady is under doctors’ orders not to fly for a month

Peter Pan will be flying to the summit solo.

****************************************************

The Rich Are Planning to Leave This Wretched Planet

But don't worry: I'm sure there will be plenty of openings for maids, toilet scrubbers, dish washers and other indispensable slaves on the mothership.

****************************************************

Can One Suicide Lead to Others?

No. Once you've committed suicide, that's the end right there.

****************************************************

Owners: Triple Crown Winner Justify Will Race Again

Why?!? He can earn so much more just sitting at home masturbating.

****************************************************

‘Sex Workers Are Business People:’ 5 Porn Stars Respond to Giuliani

It's just that they do business wih their business.

****************************************************

Syria's Assad denies Russia makes decisions for him

Sez Putin told him it was ok to say this.

****************************************************

I don’t like going outside. How can I stop my boyfriend from making me ‘go out and enjoy the weather’?

1) get a new boyfriend
2) just say NO
3) pay a bully to beat'im up every time he sees him outside

****************************************************

When it comes to AI and weapons, the tech world needs philosophers

No it does not: There will never be a lack of people to justify the worst.

****************************************************

Jared Kushner, Ivanka Trump Made $82 Million While Working In The White House

Yeah, but their job is "sitting pretty" (and that's not something just any old Jack & Judy can pull off).

****************************************************

How you can unsend that Snapchat message you accidentally sent to your ex

"Hello, Carrie? Listen: DO NOT open that message I just sent you. But, if you do: DO NOT let the police see it!"

****************************************************

There’s no defending Trump’s North Korea performance

I'm sorry, you know of any Trump performance that is not completely indefensible?

****************************************************

After summit, North Korea shows Trump in new light

"We were mistaken: That's Mister Putin there."

****************************************************

What Is Sadness, and What Is Depression?

Sadness is missing your bus.
Depression is when the next bus runs you over.

****************************************************

UK soldier gets 18 years for tampering with wife's parachute

Soldier claims he was just trying to get his wife home quick as he could so she'd have dinner ready by the time he touched down.

****************************************************

Banksy print worth $45K stolen from art exhibit, caught on camera

Apparently the thieves couldn't figure out how to unhook the Bankey from the camera, so they just left it there hanging from it.

****************************************************

Stephen Hawking's ashes buried at Westminster Abbey

Hawking was a chain smoker, so his ashes apparently piled up over time. [Heirs now trying to figure out what to do with his dandruff, as Stephen was also known to be a flaky gent.]

****************************************************

Donkeys stolen, skinned to feed Chinese demand

Did not know there was that much demand in China to watch donkeys being skinned.

****************************************************

EPA Moves To Replace Obama-Era Rule Protecting Drinking Water For 117 Million

Could be this was harming the ability to start the new Trump Bottled Water company.

****************************************************

Why Was a Healthy Man Nauseated by Food?

Well, sometimes after two-three hours of wolfing it down the only way a man can be stopped eating his food is by it getting him nauseated.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: A woman backs out of a trip, and her friend goes to a dark place

Wonder what kind of ad the dark place put up to make the friend still want to go there after the Sun-loving woman backed out & went to the beach instead?

****************************************************

Director's Tesla bursts into flames in LA

Well, of course it burst into flames: You are NOT supposed to gas up an electric car! [Read the sticker.]

****************************************************

Trump claims FBI 'plotting' though report found no bias

New Webster definition for "paranoid behavior." [Look it up yerself.]

****************************************************

Riders plunge 34 feet, 6 injured in roller coaster derail

Coaster owners now plan to rename it The Geronimo!

****************************************************

When the cop pulled him over for DUI, he had a beer in his hand. Then he chugged it.

Ha! Now let the stupid cop try to prove that he had any beer with him.

****************************************************

French authorities thwart jihadi attack on swinger's club

"Luckily they were all naked in there, so the machine gun was easy to spot."

****************************************************

Democrats intensify fight for immigrant children — and bash Trump, GOP ahead of midterms

I don't quite understand why kidnapper-in-chief "The Donald" doesn't just phone Chuck & Nancy and demand they give him all the billions in (unmarked non-sequential wall money) ransom he's asking for the return of the screaming little kids he's holding from their parents as hostages... so this unprecedented presidential kidnapping doesn't go on & on showing him & his GOP gang for the heartless scumrats they are!

I am almost certainly sure that once Chuck Schumer & Nancy Pelosi understand just how god-awful Trump's hostage taking of the little kids from their parents is making the Republicans look Chuck & Nancy will RUSH to hand over all the ransom money Trump's asking for... and probably even a fully fueled getaway (to Mar-a-Lago) airplane too for the entire GOP kidnapping gang to take off in with the loot. [from the best-selling The Art of The Deal by I. M. A. Genieous]

****************************************************

Trump, in reversal, says he will sign order to end family separations at border

Not because of the harm it's doing to the children, of course, but because it's costing Trump. [Now watch Trump proclaim himself the saviour and liberator of all those kids.]

Hey, you wanted a vile creep for your president--you got a vile creep for your president: Enjoy!

****************************************************

Rats shred banknotes inside India ATM

In the rats' defense: What else are rats supposed to do with other people's money?

****************************************************

There are more guns than people in the United States, according to a new study of global firearm ownership

Naturally! Don't most people have TWO hands!

****************************************************

Miami has a new wild ass, and here's how you can meet him

Follow the piles?

****************************************************

Trump Is Either Woefully Misinformed About Family Separations Or Is Lying

The 64 cent question?

****************************************************

Four questions to ask before buying a rental property

1) If it's a rental, how come I gotta buy it?!?

****************************************************

This start-up can make avocados last twice as long before going bad

What? Now I gotta wait longer to throw them out?!?

****************************************************

Kathy Griffin Says ‘F**k You’ To ‘Feckless Piece Of S**t’ Melania Trump

Trump Calls De Niro 'Very Low IQ Individual' for Tony Awards Outburst

When will these celebrities learn that ya can't make crap crappier! Guys: Trump is an absolute. [Live with it.]

****************************************************

You Could Be in a Gay Bar Right Now and Not Even Know It

I thought my livingroom looked a bit different.

****************************************************

Editorial: Do Poor People Have a Right to Health Care?

Answer: No! [from the best-selling Who Told Poor People They Were People? by Som Trump]

****************************************************

The question isn’t when is the next recession is coming; it’s what are we going to do about it.

What Trump's doing: Move your businessness anywhere other than the United States NOW.

****************************************************

Trump Uses Random Uppercase Letters on Twitter, but Should You?

In Trump's defense: He was too busy working as a leg-breaker for his old man & kicking out tenants who fell behind on their rent in his tenements as a kid to go to school and learn to write properly.

****************************************************

Why isn’t Trump bragging about his NATO successes?

Answer: Because there's no room in an entire universe filled to its toupée with bragging for any additional bragging. [from the best-selling I Is A Fat Braggart by I. M. Number II]

****************************************************

Koko, the beloved gorilla that learned to communicate using sign language, has died

"The last thing she signed," said her keeper, "was a raised middle finger." ["We're still trying to figure out what she meant."]

****************************************************

XXXTentacion: Controversial rapper shot dead in Florida aged 20

God, what a loss! Think of all the harm he could've done in this world!

No One Knows How To Mourn Abusers Like XXXTentacion. There’s A Reason For That.

****************************************************

Trump Says Mexico Doing Nothing ‘Except Taking Our Money And Sending Us Drugs’

Hey, stupid: I very much doubt they'd send them to us out of the sheer kindness of their hearts. [What a moronski!]

****************************************************

In India, rats have a $19,000 meal

Ewh, dozens of Trump administration rats in this country have lots more expensive meals than that every day of the week with money that could have fed millions of hungry Americans instead.

****************************************************

A Canal Through Turkey? Presidential Vote Is a Test of Erdogan’s Building Spree

In Erdogan's defense: All dictators go on massive building sprees when they get hold of their nation's purse strings--It's only human nature to go on buying sprees when one suddenly comes into an unexpected boatload of unearned money.

****************************************************

The man who was fired by a machine

"You are broken."

****************************************************

Analysis: Why Republicans have long wanted to shut the Education Department

Hint: Except for those who study only how best to succeed at crime, the best educated citizens in a civilization always tend to vote more ethically.

****************************************************

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Was Asked to Leave Restaurant Over Her White House Work

"No Trumps Allowed" [Guess ya gotta start somewhere.]

****************************************************

Regions With Highest Opioid Use Voted For Trump, Study Finds

2016 Trump support was greatest in areas with highest rates of painkiller use, study finds

Well, Trump IS a pain. So I guess it makes sense that the people most medicated against pain would vote for him.

****************************************************

Katie Arrington, who defeated GOP Rep. Mark Sanford, is seriously hurt in car crash

"Gotta watch what I wish for, I guess." [from the best-selling God Trumps Trump by Jesus Gomes] And, ironically enough, she was hit by a White driver who now is with Jesus!

****************************************************

Shawn Springs got bashed in the head in the NFL. Now he’s building a business out of that.

Shawn Springs For Your Head

****************************************************

Theme park lets heavier women in free

Say they'll make it up on the treats.

****************************************************

Ex-Trump Campaign Official Says Black Fox Guest Out Of His ‘Cotton-Picking Mind’

Of course: Black people spend all day out in that hot Sun picking cotton before coming into the studio, so their brains are bound to be a mite fried by the time the show starts!

****************************************************

Israeli debate champs beat computer, just barely

Yeah?--Yeah!--Yeah?--Yeah!--Yeah?--Yeah!--Yeah?--Yeah times a zillion--Zillion does not compute--We win!

****************************************************

Secret to Perfect Popcorn Is in Your Cupboard

That's why my popcorn sucks: Too old now to remember where I put my damn cupboard!

****************************************************

Kushner Questions Abbas’s Ability to Make Peace

Abbas counters that any idiot can make peas. ["That's why your Daddy-in-Low sent you here."]

****************************************************

Pakistan’s Taliban Names New Leader After U.S. Drone Strike

So... what, Ahmed's name is "Pifuwakata!" now?

****************************************************

Skip Due Process for Those Who Enter Illegally, Trump Says

Sure! And if that works out well, let's then try it out on the people here legally... like those who vote Democrat. [And why not? "If Trump sez so--it's so!" from the best-seller Shoot The Judges by DJ Trump]

****************************************************

Turkey's Erdogan wins sweeping new powers after poll victory

A lot of foolish people in the West think it's sad that Erdogan won, but what they don't realize is that Erdogan is the true face of Islamic Turkey. And his victory will make it clearer than ever to see the folly of continuing to try to bring in a Muslim country into Europe.

****************************************************

North Korea’s ‘anti-U.S.-imperialism’ rally will not be held this year

It will instead be replaced by the Trump Military Dream Parade.

****************************************************

Extinct Gibbon Found in Ancient Chinese Tomb

I was looking for that!

****************************************************

Jogger: US held me for accidental border crossing

That was stupid of her! If she'd only said that she crossed on purpose they would have kicked her out on the spot.

****************************************************

Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ Restaurant Tweet Was Illegal, Says Ex-Ethics Chief

In Sarah Huckabee Sanders's defense: Her tweet actually brought a lot of kudos for the restaurant that kicked her out on her ass.

****************************************************

You can smell Trump’s fear

That could just be that old people like Trump simply don't bathe as often as they should. [Where's that hot young sponge nurse of his, Melania?]

****************************************************

What is the U.S. position on the Golan?

None: The U.S. is not on the Golan but in North America.

****************************************************

Harley Davidson: What Trump-supporting owners say about the president’s fight with the company

"Help! My pet snake done bit me in the ass!"

****************************************************

Trump says he’s ‘surprised’ Harley-Davidson is moving work overseas after tariffs take effect

Yeah! Wonder why Harley-Davidson doesn't just go bankrupt to honor Trump?

****************************************************

‘People are so sensitive’: 50 Cent doubles down after mocking Terry Crews over sexual assault claim

Jealousy, thy price is 50 cent.

****************************************************

Ticketmaster UK says customer info may have been stolen

Great, now everybody's gonna know I went to that romantic sissy movie!

****************************************************

Musk accused of stealing farting unicorn

Guess ya gots'ta keep that Musk up somehow.

****************************************************

Syrians fleeing fighting call on Israel to save them

"Dear Jews: If you save us we promise that we won't slaughter you while we're under your protection. You can trust us: You know we Arabs are a very patient people."

****************************************************

National Review columnist defends the Spanish Inquisition

I'm sorry, did Trump just take the world back a couple of more centuries again while I was taking my nap?

****************************************************

He was playing his radio too loud, then got choked by a cop. Now, he wants the city to pay

Sez the radio he had welded to his teeth is busted. [And it cost him an arm & a leg to have his dentist weld it in there!]

****************************************************

He took a girl home from the bar. When he woke up, he told cops, $70,000 was stolen.

That's how you learn that if you have $70,000 in cash lying around your pad, you shouldn't invite any old stranger in for some drinks.

****************************************************

Trump gets prank call on Air Force One

"Hello, is this Coo-Coo Man Trump?"

"Yes. Who is this?"

****************************************************

The old meth-taped-to-privates smuggling ploy busted at Keys jail, cops say

Inmates kept complaining that their meth smelled funny.

****************************************************

How would you spend $400 million in Miami? City can't decide.

1) buy a ticket on the first plane out that doesn't cavity search you for large amounts of cash

****************************************************

AT&T is hiking the price of DirecTV Now, despite promising lower consumer prices in the Time Warner trial

Ah! Nothing like living in the age of Trump!

****************************************************

I don’t want to spank my sassy 4-year-old. What should I do instead?

Waterboard him: You're in the Trump Age now, baby!

****************************************************

A jewel thief swallowed the evidence. Now he's not going anywhere until he poops, cops say

Cops already have a recording of Bette Davis's "What a dump!" ready.

****************************************************

Trump weighs top picks for Supreme Court amid last-minute maneuvering

Naturally, Trump wants the fattest possible pick so that the court weighs in his favor.

****************************************************

REPORT: EPA WITHHELD BOMBSHELL ASSESSMENT
Agency Sitting On Warnings About Cancer-Causing Chemical

Isn't the EPA charged by Trump's Law to keep people from finding out which poisons are killing them so that the chemical companies can keep making money selling poisons?!? [from the best-selling Die, Baby, Die by Prune Pruitt]

****************************************************

Elon Musk Sends Engineers to Offer Expertise in Cave Rescue

Musk engineers propose shooting high voltage electricity through the cave in order to evaporate all the water flooding it.

Thai Cave Rescuer Explains Why Elon Musk’s Rescue Idea Wouldn’t Have Worked

1) would have turned boys in cave into hot dogs
2) would have required more electricity than the whole of Thailand uses

****************************************************

Baltimore man exonerated of murder after 30 years in prison

To make it up to him for the time he spent in prison he will now be allowed one murder in Baltimore on the house.

****************************************************

Dog That Starred In Bush’s Baked Beans Ads Dies

(This is why I slip my wife's dog Bully all them beans.)

****************************************************

Poll: Palestinians favor jailed leader Barghouthi as Abbas successor

Sorry: Jack The Ripper was not available.

****************************************************

Stork lands charity with huge phone bill

In the stork's defense: It was only trying to give parents a heads-up.

****************************************************

'I'm the smartest man in Africa'

What, did Trump finally admit that he acts like an African dictator?

****************************************************

Giuliani works for foreign clients while serving as Trump’s attorney

Naturally, that way he can efficiently advance one client's interests in advancing his other client's interests. Duh! [from the best-selling Stuff One Learns In Law School by D. Consigliere]

****************************************************

Trump Stance on Breast-Feeding Is Criticized by Experts

In Trump's defense: He knows more about breast-feeding than all the experts out there put together.

****************************************************

A mega-heat wave is gaining strength over Texas and the south-central United States

Good! Good! That's where most of those climate change deniers (voters) live. See how they like it now, baby.

Trump makes good on threat to target an additional $200 billion in Chinese imports with tariffs

Good! Good! Make the American voters pay hard cash for electing the moron president.

****************************************************

Trump is poisoning NATO. Why?

Answer: Who doesn't know by now Putin enjoys watching his lackeys poisoning his enemies?

****************************************************

The Latest: Trump questions value of NATO, slams Germany

Of course: NATO stands in the way of Putin stealing bits & pieces of Europe, as with Crimea & chunks of the Ukraine.

****************************************************

Televangelist, followers detained by Turkish police

If all Christian clerics would be prosecuted by Muslims & all Muslim clerics prosecuted by Christians we might finally begin at last to get rid of our ignorance & superstition once & for all.

****************************************************

Private tax collection agencies lose money while going after the poor

They should go after the banks, like Dillinger.

****************************************************

Costco is taking Polish hot dogs off its food court menu. Fans are grieving — and angry.

"When we look at a hot dog we don't want to see it unpolished!" ["Who eats unpolished hot dogs?!"] Damn you, Costco!

****************************************************

Why it’s particularly odd for Trump to fixate on NATO’s GDP spending requirements

Not odd at all: People who fixate or obsess on one single thing usually do so because their brains just can't handle more than one thing. If at that.

****************************************************

Rat triggers blackout at Australian ballet

It was a Republican rat (who thought the ballet was too gay). [From now on Republicans attending the ballet will be seated farther away from the fuse box.]

****************************************************

The Mucus-Shooting Worm-Snail That Turned Up in the Florida Keys

It's old, and slow (of course). And it coughs a lot. Just like most everyone else that eventually turns up in South Florida.]

****************************************************

As Trump Insults NATO, Merkel Hesitates to Take Him On Alone

Well, remember she's got a cat (to protect from "that" Trump).

****************************************************

The Latest: Trump looking forward to tea with queen

Asks whether queen's cat is a Persian or a Siamese.

****************************************************

Syrian school books under Assad preach jihad, hatred of Israel, U.S.

Right, and now they're paying the price for it. Maybe if they were to start peaching peace & all that love thy neighbor crap they might do better.

****************************************************

Cheese. Cosmetics. Cat Treats. Are those monthly subscription boxes actually saving you money?

If they ever do one single instant would not go by before all those subscriptions would be rescinded there & then.

****************************************************

Ryan chides Trump on trade, cautioning that China stands to gain global status

I'm sorry, but aren't those Trump's marching orders from Putin? [If Trump quacks he is Putin's duck.]

****************************************************

Opinion | All Christians Are Problematic, Even Me And You

Not to mention proper English usage.

****************************************************

Ed Bearss went to his first All-Star Game in 1933. This week he’ll go to his second.

Somebody just told him baseball is still being played.

****************************************************

Legal Marijuana in New Jersey Is So Close You Can Smell It

"Oh, it's been close for years."

****************************************************

You bought a ton of summer produce at the farmers market. This is what you cook with it.

Cattle feed.

****************************************************

Ancient 'Iceman' Shows Signs of a Well-Balanced Last Meal

Anybody need any more proof that those things can kill ya?!

****************************************************

NFL Notebook: McCoy's Ex-Girlfriend Alleges Possible Setup

I'm sorry, but isn't "LeSean" Spanish for "pig"?

****************************************************

Trump persists in his push for friendly ties with Putin despite Russia indictments

After latest indictments, Schumer calls on Trump to cancel summit with Putin

Of course that's never gonna happen--Schumer's just too slow-witted to grasp that Trump is Putin's creature. [But, don't worry: Schumer'll get in it another year or so & stop wasting his time stupidly asking Trump to do things like this.]

****************************************************

Neanderthals could start fires with their stone tools, new study suggests

That would explain why the damn firebugs were all prosecuted out of existence then.

****************************************************

Israel Passes Law to Say It Is Nation-State of Jewish People

Israel lives in an ocean of countries that proclaim themselves nations only of Islamic People. So, pardon them. [It would be suicidal in such a neighborhood for Israel to leave the way open for a non-Jewish majority deciding someday whether Isreal will or will not also be a nation only for Islamic People.] Soon as all the Muslim nations there are democratic and egalitarian, then by all means condemn Israel if it is not also democratic and egalitarian too.

****************************************************

Why would someone try to pass off 10 million bottles of cheap Spanish rosé as French? American demand.

"So, all this 'Vino Francés' is French?" ["Si."]

****************************************************

Up, Up And No Way! Greenpeace Protest Paraglider Buzzes Trump At Turnberry.

Noticed them draft dodger's spurs of Trump didn't keep him from skedaddling pretty good when he saw that paraglider flying towards him.

****************************************************

Opinion | Standing Next To Putin, Trump Chooses Russia Over America

"May Putin forgive our trespasses and all who trespass against Putin," prayed Trump.

****************************************************

A Maryland bakery temporarily closed after video of a rat scurrying over pastries went viral

Aww! And here I thought all those little rat footprints on their pastries were so cute!

****************************************************

Hulk Hogan reinstated to WWE Hall of Fame after suspension over racist tirade

Ya mean he was suspended before his racist tirade & reinstated now because of it?! Or...

****************************************************

Pretzels to replace peanuts on Southwest flights

"From now on Mister Pretzels will be searched for stale peanuts whenever he boards our planes."

****************************************************

Trump Claims He Misspoke When He Defended Putin At The Russia Summit

Ask Trump: Is that the only thing you're all mixed-up about or is your brain just simply all mixed-up all the time all over the place?

****************************************************

Is Donald Trump even in charge of this government?

Man, let's hope not!

****************************************************

Tech leaders: Killer robots would be ‘dangerously destabilizing’ force in the world

Sez we should stick with our regular killers.

****************************************************

Trump lashes out at Cohen’s secret recording: ‘Your favorite President did nothing wrong’

Is the Cockroach President crying out again against being stepped on & crushed?

****************************************************

Senate Condemns Vladimir Putin’s Request To Interview U.S. Officials

Can they do that? Isn't Putin the de facto President of America now?

****************************************************

Rescuers Try To Track Burro Spotted With Arrow In His Head

Steve Martin stubbonly refuses to be saved. Sez, "It's a comedy bit, stupid!"

****************************************************

Fact: Trump’s moral and ethical qualities come up short

Insulting maybe, but preferable to Trump's more familiar attributes of depraved reprobate and notorious thief, brazen and immoral liar and adulterer, cheat without a shred of conscience, vile spineless coward and outrageous hypocrite, traitor, and utterly shamelessly persistent and consistent back-stabber of friend & foe alike. [Also: The Stiffer of All Employees--But didn't want to pile it on.]

****************************************************

Psychologists Are Trying To Figure Out Why We Don’t Go To Sleep (Even When We Want To)

Aw, go to sleep already why don'cha!

I'm trying to!

Well you're not trying hard enough!

I am! I am!

****************************************************

Python Slithers Away From Home, Winds Up In Man’s Toilet Miles Away

Owners don't want it now.

****************************************************

Trump has now walked back his walk-back on U.S. intelligence and Russia

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Got A Zeptosecond? Scientists Just Measured The Shortest Unit Of Time Ever

Sorry. No: The Shortest Unit Of Time Ever is not equivalent to moving a Planck Length at the speed of light--It's the fastest one can move between a singularity and the nearest thing to it. [Obviously this is just an opinion.]

****************************************************

Trump's Press Office Confuses Britain's PM With Porn Star

In their defense: Trump's Press Office is dealing more in porn these days than in almost anything else.

****************************************************

Another Cockroach Gets Stuck In Someone's Head (Ew!)

Yeah, but if ya don't dips them in glue first they just run right off your head!

****************************************************

Police Save Puppy From Overdosing On Heroin

Where's this puppy getting the dough to be able to afford heroin?!?

****************************************************

Man Charged With Attempted Murder in Mannequin Hammer Attack

Mannequin too broken up to speak. But it should be duct-taped just fine in time for the trial.

****************************************************

Nude Man Exercising At Planet Fitness ‘Thought It Was A Judgment-Free Zone’

Same thing happened to me when I showed up for my court date.

****************************************************

Trump: Russia Will Push Hard for Democrats in November Election

Man, this is one shameless sonavabitch.

****************************************************

Key West mayoral candidate says 'God told me to run'

Doctors later pulled three bullets from his back.

****************************************************

Trilobites: Why Are Some Crows Committing Acts of Necrophilia?

Oddly enough, it would've been misleading to write: "Why Are Some Crows Eating Crow?"

****************************************************

Poland's Baltic closed to bathers due to bacteria growth

 "Roll on, thou deep and dark blue Ocean – roll!
  Ten thousand fleets sweep over thee in vain;
  Man marks the earth with ruin – his control
  Stops with the shore..."

[Byron's poem written just 206 years ago.]

****************************************************

A Toys R Us death blow: Mattel to lay off 2,200 workers

About time Trumpism trickled down to the kiddies and instead of wasting their time with toys, we stick'em in a factory to do some useful work for a change! [And pay their taxes.]

****************************************************

Spirit passengers on Fort Lauderdale-bound flight sickened by ‘dirty socks’ stink

Ok, maybe I should've kept my shoes on.

****************************************************

Iowa Farmers Wary of Aid, Trade Wars but Still Turn Out for Trump

Racism is a hard addiction to kick.

****************************************************

Iranian Senior General: If the US starts a war, Iran will finish it

Finally a sign Iran wants to be helpful to someone in this world! [Just hope Trump shows some appreciation.]

****************************************************

Man Fatally Shoots Bear That Bit Him in New Mexico Attack

I took my gun out and said to the bear: "If you bites me I'll kills'ya!" And he bit me. So I killed him.

****************************************************

Biden's Niece Gets Probation in $110,000 Credit Card Case

"A niece of former Democratic Vice President Joe Biden who racked up $110,000 in charges on someone else's credit card has been sentenced to two years of probation."

Man, it's a good thing she wasn't black: Black girl steals $110 usually just gets fried.

****************************************************

Relax, Boomers: Socialism Is Good Now

Yes! Of course! That's what we need after Trump: Stalin! [Why didn't I think of it!]

****************************************************

In meeting with N.Y. Times publisher, Trump explains why he characterizes journalists as ‘enemy of the people’

"I am The People."

****************************************************

Putin Portrait Placed In Colorado Capitol Where Donald Trump’s Should Be

I see someone out there gets it.

****************************************************

US prelate McCarrick resigns from College of Cardinals

Sez he will try to wrap up his graduate studies for Pope elsewhere.

****************************************************

Man detonates small explosive device near US embassy in Beijing

No. Wait: He'd just had the Kung Pao Chicken. Sorry.

****************************************************

U.S. Detects New Activity at North Korea Factory That Built ICBMs: Source

Therefore, I suppose Trump will now start sending North Korea pallets of U.S. dollars like the ones Obama sent to Iran.

****************************************************

Most Of The World’s Land Is Owned By Very Few. Land Reform Aims To Change That.

Sure. That's what we need: To change ownership to a new set of the very few. [You know: From some "people's king" to a dictatorship "of the proletariat" (Mao, Stalin, Castro, or Kim) & back.]

****************************************************

What is Bigfoot erotica? A Virginia congressional candidate accused her opponent of being into it.

What is it? Where are they finding the Bigfoot porn stars to film it!

****************************************************

Trump renews government shutdown threat, says it’s ‘very small price to pay’ for border security

Translation: It's certain that he himself will pay a 'very small price' for it.

****************************************************

TSA Has Been Secretly Monitoring Travelers Not Listed On Government Watch Lists

Ah! That would explain the overly-friendly guy on my last flight: I had to keep telling him over & over that I wasn't gay.

****************************************************

Undercover TSA agents began watching people at U.S. airports and on planes 9 years after the Sept. 11 attacks

Yes, but in their defense: For all those years they just could NOT agree on which matching outfits to wear on the job.

****************************************************

Sessions: US Culture 'Less Hospitable to People of Faith'

People of Science beg to differ.

****************************************************

Researchers Use Leaf Blower to See How Lizards Endure Storms

As kids, same researchers used to use a magnifying glass to see how ants endured REALLY sunny days.

****************************************************

North Korea constructing new missiles despite agreement with US: Report

Yeah, but was there ever really any agreement between the U.S. and North Korea? Because usually Trump just lies and all his followers believe him like a bunch of mentally retarded suckers & whopping morons.

****************************************************

‘Baboon’ Knocks Out Phoenix Power Grid

In the baboon's defense: It was his first day on the job.

****************************************************

Trump Says He’s ‘Looking Into’ 3-D Printed Plastic Guns

Claims his X-Ray vision is even better than Superman's.

****************************************************

Russian spokeswoman writes pop song

"Putin B. Goode" Yes, we know.

****************************************************

Speedboat pair steal Sweden crown jewels

Police will keep an eye on eBay postings.

****************************************************

Don’t Get Shot in America. Live in Australia!

"Our bullets are so much more hygienic."

****************************************************

Trump Pushes for Mueller Interview Against Legal Advice

And why not? Trump knows more law than all the lawyers put together.

****************************************************

Madonna Reveals She Fled To Portugal To Escape Trump

Trump sez he's been going crazy looking for her all over the place. [Ah!]

****************************************************

Trump’s D.C. hotel gets rental credit of $534,000 from federal agency for maintaining tower

That's Trump: The real sweetheart (deal).

Revenue at Trump’s N.Y. hotel rose in spring, thanks to Saudis’ spending

Saudis really know which side to grease Trump. [When's the last time you heard Trump bitching about the Muslims?]

****************************************************

Former state GOP leader kills mother’s dog, claims he’s ‘the second coming of Christ,’ police say

Yes, I believe the Bible sez that one of the signs IS that the Messiah will shoot his mom's dog.

****************************************************

Fishing industry roiled by claim of diluted Chesapeake crab meat.

"What? Ya wants crab meat, or ya wants crab meat from crabs who can stand on one leg?!"

****************************************************

Man Arrested After Allegedly Taunting Yellowstone Bison In Viral Video

"Hey you-ah, bison!" Screams he: "You gotta big-a ass!!"

****************************************************

Bitcoin is still a total disaster

A currency that's not backed by anybody--What could go wrong!

****************************************************

Immigration Judges Union Slams Trump Administration For Undermining Courts

In Trump's defense: He IS expected to be a criminal defendant in some court soon--so no sense bolstering the damn things!

****************************************************

When a Trump supporter’s wife is deported

I suppose there just had to be at least one Trump voter out there who will forever remain free of voter's remorse.

****************************************************

The share of Republicans who think there’s a lot of discrimination is plummeting

Obviously, there is no discrimination if Republicans are the ones doing the discriminating. [It's in The Bible: Look it up fer yerself.] "We know how to do it right."

****************************************************

Hey Christian Parents, Spanking Is Sex Abuse

Non-Christian parents: You guys can beat the crap outta your kids, no sweat.

****************************************************

Why I Chose To Get A Tattoo Instead Of A Face-Lift For My 80th Birthday

"Couldn't remember where I left my face."

****************************************************

Swiss police urge dogs to wear shoes

Apparently there's a dangerous dearth of tap-dancing dogs now in Switzerland.

****************************************************

Turkey’s currency plunge fans fears of new global financial crisis

Well, do NOT invest in dictatorships: You're propping up human suffering. [So it is right & proper that Fate should extract a little just punishment from you when you do.]

****************************************************

Boy, 11, Hacks Into Replica U.S. Vote Website in Minutes at Convention

Russians now trying to arrange a get-together with the kid over at Trump's Washington hotel.

****************************************************

Ex-Gitmo detainee now selling sweets in Uruguay capital

What could go wrong? That's definitely what I want my kids eating: Treats from an ex-Jihadi sworn to murder Christian children.

****************************************************

Australia archbishop gets house detention for abuse cover-up

"So... bar-hopping & strip joints are out then?"

****************************************************

Indonesia woman irked by mosque noise on trial for blasphemy

"Turn that #@*&# thing down!" She shouted.

****************************************************

The dos and don'ts of the Situation Room

DO: Put an unpredictable take-no-prisoners black woman in there if you're gonna fire her. [A situation is BOUND to come up.]

DON'T: Forget to ask her: "How'd you like to get feeled-up by a former FOUR-STAR general?" So you can search her up & down for any hidden bugs.

****************************************************

Paris baulks at 'horrible' open-air urinals

Parisians still prefer their old-fashioned stinking little hothouse ones.

****************************************************

Warning of palm oil threat to primates

Apparently they're smearing it on their heads to make themselves more presentable.

****************************************************

Man with pet parrot on his shoulder is rescued from waist-deep mud at park

"Aghrrr... thank you!"

****************************************************

Terrified horse was ‘skin and bones.’ Then a dog named Molly made friends, NC rescuer says

Hate these modern non-sequitur children's stories!

****************************************************

How to Minimize Injuries From Lifting a Baby

"Always drop-kick the baby into the air & then catch him on the way down."

****************************************************

Trump is aggressive in his use of nondisclosure agreements

Now think of all the trouble he might've saved himself if he'd only bothered to sign his!

****************************************************

World's Largest King Penguin Colony Has Mysteriously Shrunk By 90 Percent

Wonder if they've looked into the possibility that all the eggs that hatched have FINALLY gone off to college...?

****************************************************

Cows can visit nudist beach in heatwave

Court rules they're entitled as long as they don't wear a bikini.

****************************************************

A horse was neglected by its owner. Now the horse is suing.

Not only does the horse have standing in court--it can't very well sit down, now can he!

****************************************************

Customer walks into liquor store – without noticing bear standing right next to him, video shows

"I've seen worse-looking drunks."

****************************************************

Man with ‘prostate issue’ pees in deli meat case at Michigan grocery store, cops say

"I've smelled worse-stinking urinals."

****************************************************

Fakir Musafar, guru to piercers, tattooers and other ‘body play’ artists, dies at 87

I could never be a tattoo artist, knowing that all my canvasses are going to die.

****************************************************

The TSA searches me every time I travel. Is it because I’m Muslim?

They search me every time too; but I choose to believe it's because I'm pretty.

****************************************************

From Flat Earthers To Birthers, Here’s Why People Believe Conspiracy Theories

There willl NEVER be an end to our birthing morons.

****************************************************

Lifeguard stands along Miami Beach are getting a new life. Maybe in your own backyard

That might explain all the junk somebody's been piling up back there.

****************************************************

More than 600 ‘stressed’ birds rescued from Ohio house, animal welfare group says

Cops still trying to find out how The Yellow Submarine got stuck on repeat.

****************************************************

Police Chief Defends Use Of Taser On Elderly Woman Cutting Flowers

"If we'd waited any longer she would've had the entire front row done!"

****************************************************

‘Fox & Friends’ Host Recalls That Time The U.S. ‘Defeated Communist Japan’

In his defense: Once you start sprouting lies all over the place it's hard to know which lie is a lie & which might not be.

Fox News Remembers Aretha Franklin With Photo Of Patti LaBelle

CENSORED

****************************************************

Trump boasts about ‘great new trade deals.’ So far, he hasn’t finalized any.

Translation: "Trump LIES about ‘great new trade deals.’ So far, he hasn’t MADE any."

****************************************************

I’ve worn a hijab for decades. Here’s why I took it off.

They always look at me funny when I go to the men's room.

****************************************************

Omarosa Manigault Newman releases secret recording of $15,000-a-month job offer from Lara Trump

There's also a secret Omarosa Manigault Newman recording she made of herself going to the can, if you'd also like to hear that. [Surprisingly, she can hum "Shuffle Off to Buffalo" on key!]

****************************************************

Omarosa Might Have ‘As Many As 200’ Tapes, NY Times Reports

Going all the way back to the very instant she met Donald Trump. ["Oh, this sucker needs to be taped to be believed," is the first thing we hear after the click.]

****************************************************

Omarosa Has Stash Of Video In Addition To Audio Tapes: Report

Sez she's working on a deal for her own 24-hour Trump-pay-per-view channel: EXPOSÉ!

****************************************************

Satanists have wheeled a demonic goat statue onto the lawn of the Arkansas Capitol

Arkansas legislators rejected their previous demonic hamster statue as not being demonic enough.

****************************************************

Why is Trump creating a space force?

Why else! So he can be: "Donald Trump: Space Cadet Number One!" [Pence is trying out for Number Two again.]

****************************************************

Young couple trying to prove human kindness killed by ISIS

In ISIS's defense: ISIS is trying to prove religion's inhumanity. [And, by the way, ISIS killed human kindness, yes. So they were proved right.]

****************************************************

Emma Thompson, 59, Wants More Film Roles for Older Women

Well, I don't believe "The Mummy's Mommie" has been filmed yet.

****************************************************

Yes, teens are texting and using social media instead of reading books, researchers say

The kind of "books" out there: Is this such a bad thing? [I mean, it's not like they're ever going to go around reading books on history, science, or the humanities.]

****************************************************

No handshake, no Swiss citizenship

Guess nobody discriminates against germophobes like the Swiss!

****************************************************

Trump and Erdogan: Compare and contrast

Ah! Where are the days when our presidents used to be compared to Washington and Lincoln! Now one can only compare Trump to an Erdogan, a Mussolini, Gotti and other notorious criminals like them. [And Trump is actually flattered by the comparisons!]

****************************************************

Trump on Russia probe: ‘I could run it if I want’

Yes! That could be the heights of efficiency: Trump could investigate Trump, who could then find Trump either guilty or innocent... [And who doesn't trust Trump to do the right thing!]

****************************************************

Trump vows 'no concessions' to Turkey

The Trumped-Up Tacos truck will now go to Armenia instead.

****************************************************

Report: Scott Pruitt Made 1 Phone Call To The White House From $43,000 Booth

"No! This is NOT Pizza Hut!" ["How'd you get this number anyway?!"]

****************************************************

Millions are caught up in America’s criminal-justice system ‘because they’re poor’

Hey! How else is Trump supposed to bring back the poorhouse & the workhouses of the 1800's (when America was Great)... again!?

****************************************************

Neil DeGrasse Tyson Suggests A Better Alternative To Trump's Space Force

Yeah, but how are we gonna find all the suckers working on spacewar tech for our enemies in order to offer them Neil's Lollypops For Peace?

****************************************************

Doll Leaves Ferencvaros After Five Years in Charge

Claims that today's Germans are not as impressed by Voodoo as they once were.

****************************************************

Who Is Afraid of Shahidul Alam?

Well, what are its symptoms? Is there a cure for it on the horizon? Maybe if I knew more about it I'd be very afraid, be very afraid!

****************************************************

Miami Herald Endorses Candidate Who Says She Was Taken By Space Aliens

Well, as long as she wasn't taken by Russian aliens (like Trump) there's very little chance that she's been suborned (like Trump).

****************************************************

Is soda over? Pepsi to buy seltzer-maker SodaStream for $3.2 billion.

Always is for me. That's why I always top off my glass in the sink.

****************************************************

Spacewalkers Install Bird Trackers, Send Satellites Flying

Trump still believes there are space birds flying in from other planets? ["Space Force Cadets will put a stop to them!"]

****************************************************

Sen. Collins said Kavanaugh sees Roe v. Wade as ‘settled law’

As far as his Senate confirmations hearings are concerned. Sure.

****************************************************

No, Venezuela doesn’t prove anything about socialism

All the socialist countries that ever tried it do.

****************************************************

Why Do Muslims Slaughter Animals for God?

People are NOT animals! [Gads! Trump's bad influence is spreading everwhere!]

****************************************************

Elizabeth Warren’s Far-Reaching New Bill Aims To Actually Drain The Swamp

Shouldn't they fish out the big fat alligator with the blond implants owns the swamp first?

****************************************************

The Latest: Man Fatally Shot in NH Was Wanted in Maine

This is why I never go anywhere where I'm not wanted.

****************************************************

Romania: Bear shot dead after it kills goat, enters school

"Killing the goat we could let slide. But becoming our school valedictorian was a tad much."

****************************************************

Wife Says Jamestown Man With Severed Hand Will Lose It

Sez he keeps leaving it all over the place & she's tired of picking up after him.

****************************************************

This may be the biggest flip yet in the Trump-Cohen saga

Weisselberg?! You just knew somebody named weasel-berg HAD to be in charge of Trump's affairs.

****************************************************

WELL, THIS IS AWKWARD
The First 2 Congressmen To Endorse Trump Have Been Indicted

Awkward maybe, but sounds about right.

Is this the worst day of Trump's presidency?

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," sez Trump.

"Wait," Mueller sez: "Tomorrow is another day!"

****************************************************

A cancer on the presidency

I believe that's what's tattooed under Trump's hair implants. [Look it up! Look it up!]

Will Trump Be Meeting With His Counterpart — Or His Handler?

It will all come out. It always does.

****************************************************

Trump Suggests Cooperating With Prosecutors Should Be A Crime

So you bought all the judges & politicians and now they won't stay bought, eh?! [Man, what ingrates.] Same thing happened to poor Al Capone, you know. And to "your favorite don" John Gotti (with Sammy the Bull) like it's happening with all of Trump's capos now.

Report: Trump Shaken By Disloyalty As Allies Turn Against Him

Mueller’s probe has produced a rogues’ gallery of liars

Trump borrows his rhetoric — and his view of power — from the mob

****************************************************

Flooded trails and full toilets: Storms wreak havoc on D.C.-area parks

At least somebody in D.C.'s eating well I see.

****************************************************

Trump’s real problem is that he obstructed justice, and Mueller can prove it. Here’s how.

1) Ask any American above the age of two. [Including Trump--once he matures to the age of two, that is.]

Will Trump Be Meeting With His Counterpart — Or His Handler?

It will all come out. It always does.

****************************************************

You’re gonna cough during the entire performance?’

"No I am not! Only through the first couple of acts."

What dancers hear, see and sense from the stage.

****************************************************

Someone posted photos of a young councilwoman in her underwear. She called it ‘slut-shaming.’

Then she proclaimed defiantly: "Well, this is one slut that's shameless!"

****************************************************

Trump ‘made a mistake’ by not honoring John McCain’s service, Jimmy Carter says

On the plus side: It's not the first mistake Trump has made nor will it be the last, so it's not like anybody'll notice it in the bunch.

****************************************************

Can Trump find a sufficiently devoted lickspittle to replace Don McGahn?

Billions. Ever since we were chimps back in the jungle we have lived by The Code of the Lickspittle.

****************************************************

A short investigation into Trump’s claims of ‘RIGGED’ Google results against him

1) Google results are all against him

2) Trump rigged them all up himself

****************************************************

Google is toeing the line between helping you save time and creeping you out as it turns to machines to suggest email replies on your behalf.

Great! Now I gotta reply to Google about replying to my emails in addition to replying to my emails!

****************************************************

We Cannot Fight Climate Change With Capitalism, Says Report

That's why The Dear Leader (Trump) is trying to replace our antiquated & passé democracy with a more modern & vibrant Russian/Chinese style One-Man rule, yes. [Our Dear Leader is obviously an All-Wise Guy.]

****************************************************

US ends funding for UN refugee agency in Palestine

"Anybody out there wanna adopt Palestinians?"

****************************************************

Iran says it plans to boost ballistic and cruise missile capacity

Sez spending the money on improving the lives of its people would be a total waste since they're all gonna get killed in their next war anyway.

****************************************************

Secret Service makes arrest after individual climbs barrier near Treasury building

"Hey! I was only trying to find the treasure, judge."

****************************************************

John Kerry doesn’t rule out a bid for president in 2020

Why not? Democrats are always hanging around Ye Olde US-Ed Car Lot kicking the tires of that latest model Political Disaster they've got an eye on: "The Kerry's a beauty, eh!" ["Yeah, but have ya seen The Biden?"]

****************************************************

Trump again calls for reexamining NBC’s TV license, despite the fact it doesn’t have one

When told, Trump said that if they didn't have a license then why are they #%@! allowed to drive?!

****************************************************

No place like the rightful home: FBI finds stolen ruby slippers from ‘Wizard of Oz’

"Guy was wearing'em right in front of the FBI Building!" ["Hey feller, them shoes pretty red!" -- "Ruby actually, officer."]

****************************************************

What happens when an algorithm labels you as mentally ill?

Truth to tell, each time it happens I can't help but feel a little admiration at the people who came up with the damn thing!

****************************************************

Lewinsky storms offstage after 'off limits' Clinton question

This came after Ms Lewinsky had answered a slew of questions about mathematics, history, philosophy, geography, hair-styling, and astrophysics.

****************************************************

Incalculable loss after fire engulfs Brazil museum

On the plus side: All the Carnival costumes warehouses are still safe & secured.

****************************************************

‘Two easy wins now in doubt’: Trump renews attack on Sessions

First Trump wants law enforcement to look the other way when he & his pals break the law. Then:

Sen. Orrin Hatch wants the FTC to investigate Google

Sez it's not biased enough in his favor. ["I am a United States Senator, you know!"]

****************************************************

Bob Woodward’s new book reveals a ‘nervous breakdown’ of Trump’s presidency

Obviously, The Donald ain't a man fit to slop pigs. But at least he'll go down in history as the biggest moron who was ever the leader of ANY country in the modern world.

GOP Senator Slams Trump On Sessions: 'The US Is Not Some Banana Republic'

Why Trump is so frantic right now

It’s Not Just Robert Mueller. President Donald Trump Faces Six Separate Investigations And Lawsuits.

****************************************************

After high court nominee is heckled, Trump suggests protesting should be illegal

Absolutely! Finally a President who can match the madness of George III

****************************************************

Now Trump Claims He Has 100 Pics Of Mueller And Comey ‘Hugging And Kissing’

And that the names of a hundred communists in the State Department are written (one name each) behind the pictures.

****************************************************

Trump Says He’d Never Call Someone ‘Mentally Retarded.’ Video Shows Otherwise.

What a surprise.

The president has again been caught in a barefaced lie.

It never ceases to amaze me how time & time again these criminals still imagine that they can get away with their brazen crimes in a world filled with omnipresent cameras!

****************************************************

The White House has distanced itself from the book, accusing it of containing “fabricated stories” made by disgruntled employees.

Yeah but, dude, that's like a duck saying that a book that claims he quacks can't be believed.

****************************************************

Why Burt Reynolds turned down Bond and Star Wars

He would've had to shave off his Mexican moustache. And Burt wasn't sure he could grow another one at his age.

****************************************************

Barcelona bans tiny 'haibu' living pods

Sez farts inspired by the local cuisine might become fatally dangerous in them.

****************************************************

Russia 'tried to spy on France in space'

This is because, C'mon, who doesn't already know all there is to know about France down here on earth! [Probably: Putin wanting to keep on top of his cheese investments.]

****************************************************

The Latest: Trump has 4 or 5 suspects for op-ed writer

Therefore he's pressing the GOP to rush through his wall's funding so he can stand all five of'em against it--Sez God will know the ones didn't do it.

Hey, Mister President: Don't be such a dumbass, man! Discovering who wrote the article is simple: Just find out who in your administration is disgruntled and that's the guy!

****************************************************

He got caught with almost 200 lobsters in his trunk, cops say

"Man," the cop said he told him: "That's the LAST time I leave the trunk open when I go to the beach!"

****************************************************

Several People Behind Trump Were Removed, Replaced During Rally In Montana

They looked too much like Democrats: They just didn't have that wild-eyes look makes Trump seem almost stable by comparison.

****************************************************

Man Who Punched Charlottesville Organizer Jason Kessler Fined $1

In protest he will pay ALL OF IT in pennies.

****************************************************

Former Mormon Leader Used Position To Swindle Church Members, Feds Say

"Look, judge," he said in court: "There is no God. Why else would ANYBODY try to finagle himself into a high position in a church?!" ["Are there ANY high church officials in this country who are not blindingly rich?!"] "What? Ya think a cardinal is called 'prince' because he's uglier'n a dog?! No: It's because he lives like a prince." ["You think all those evangelicals support a rapacious thief like Trump because of some perversion of their moral character?! No: It's because Trump IS their unequivocal amoral & unethical equivalent, judge."] "Ok. You're free to go. Don't forget your loot."

Pope removes Brazil bishop accused of stealing church funds

"Look, Pope," he said in Vatican Court...

****************************************************

Trump Calls On Jeff Sessions To Investigate New York Times Op-Ed

Jeff Sessions sez: "Sorry, Mister President," but he will have to recuse himself. As, "It could very well be that I'm the one who wrote the article."

****************************************************

Prince Charles says he utterly objects to the idea of people becoming ‘part human, part machine’

Claims the human part would hold us back and should be extirpated as soon as possible--Preferably squished by very powerful mechanical pincers.

****************************************************

The Phillies are trying to dry out Citizens Bank Park with blowtorches, actual blowtorches

What could go wrong? [I actually tried this with my Christmas Tree when Pooch peed all over it, and it all went up in smoke--Christmas, that is.]

****************************************************

Trump’s promoters have no good answer for his economic falsehoods

Everybody else is, of course, free to deem them to be the total/complete lies they are.

****************************************************

Al-Qaida leader urges Muslims to fight US across the world

Ah! Well, as long as it's that far away from here: that's ok then.

****************************************************

Elon Musk said a Tesla could drive itself across the country by 2018. One just crashed backing out of a garage.

How much pot was the battery huffling?

****************************************************

There’s no such thing as a good wedding poem

This is the wedding
between Joe & Jane:
If it don't stick they'll try
[another 2 others] again.

****************************************************

Biden: ‘I’m clearly not as smart as Trump, the smartest man in the world’

I agree. So it's really weird how Trump's always going around like he can't tell his right foot from his left!

****************************************************

Pussy Riot activist loses speech and sight in suspected poisoning, group says

And people hear, "Another One Bites The Dust," being played loudly as they walk by the Kremlin.

****************************************************

San Juan Mayor Responds To Trump’s ‘Appalling’ Denial Of Puerto Rico Deaths

"You wanna come over & count the corpses, you lying piece of shit!" [Sounds best when done in Robert De Niro mode.]

President Trump falsely said that a high death count had been generated by Democrats to “make me look as bad as possible.”

"Don't worry," answered the infinite chorus: "It is not possible to make you look worse."

****************************************************

Nazis stole a Jewish man’s Renoir painting in 1941. Now it’s been returned to his only living heir.

"Here! Now we're even." ["No hard feelings, right?"]

****************************************************

Juan Soto has been the best teenage hitter ever, and it doesn’t look like a fluke

But every teenager he has hit has gone down looking like one.

****************************************************

Scientists know plastics are dangerous. Why won’t the government say so?

1) the plastics industry invests more on politicians than on scientists

****************************************************

Trump: I'll write 'real book' about my presidency

Sez it'll give him something to do in the slammer.

****************************************************

Merkel condemns far-right xenophobia, Nazi slogans

She only has herself to blame: Importing an alien population of millions into Germany who will never be Germans and whose religion demands that they change the character of [or bring down the entire nature of] the native population was total & complete insanity. And it will sadly eventually prove deadly--What did she think was going to happen?!

****************************************************

Novelist who wrote about ‘How to Murder Your Husband’ charged with murdering her husband

Hey! You write what you know!

****************************************************

Putin says men accused by Britain in spy poisoning case are just ordinary citizens

"The fact that they just happen to have extensive training in handling deadly poisons," sez Putin, "doesn't come into it!" [And, in any case, under a secret Russian law every citizen of Russia is obligated to become an international assassin when Putin asks them.] "So there!"

Poisoning suspect honored by Putin in 2014, UK group says

****************************************************

Lying to buy a gun? Don’t worry about the feds.

"Of course the check is good!" ["Ok. Here's yer gun!"]

****************************************************

Robotic pants could help people stay mobile longer

Especially if they're on somebody chasing you who needs to wear them.

****************************************************

State Department Spent $52,700 On Curtains For Nikki Haley

Yes, but I think they look better than my $1.75 Target ones.

****************************************************

Trump can start panicking now: Manafort will cooperate with the special counsel

"Señor Trump! Run Señor Trump, que ahi viene La Migra!"

****************************************************

An Indian athlete with 12 toes will get custom shoes from Adidas

Does not say whether the 12 toes are distributed among his two feet (nor in what proportion) or on a single one of them.

****************************************************

Trump praised Manafort as a “brave man” while condemning those who cooperate with prosecutors as “rats.”

Gads! What a thing to hear from a President of The United States--the nation's chief law enforcement officer! Just for that statement alone Trump not only merits impeachment but a goodly number of years in prison!

El Chapo prosecutors seek to bar Trump’s ‘flipper’ remarks

What Manafort’s plea agreement could mean for Trump

That it will all come out. It always does.

****************************************************

If Trump pardons himself, he’s admitting he’s guilty of impeachable crimes

The ultimate solution is to pass a constitutional amendment giving Congress the sole power to pardon a president [for whatever crimes]. In other words, "the President may pardon others but never himself."

****************************************************

Kavanaugh denies decades-old allegation of potential sexual misconduct

There is power in knowing that you were heard, even if you may not necessarily be believed.

Yes. It's a he-said-she-said case. But, GOP guys: Shouldn't you get a guy appointed for life to the nation's Supreme Court who has NOT been accused of sexual misconduct? [You take the chance & lose here and a lot of the nation's morality will forever be on the line. You might be electing Trump to the Supreme Court to write your children's morals.]

Republicans Sticking By Kavanaugh In Face Of Attempted Sexual Assault Accusation

****************************************************

At least five dead as ‘powerful, slow and relentless’ storm pummels the Carolinas

Great! Now I suppose all those Evangelical preachers down there are gonna start denying that God is punishing the South for supporting Trump & his coven of evil GOP witches! [Which hopefully Mueller will hunt down so we can stake'em.]

****************************************************

Trump’s foreign policy has devolved into chaos

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Good Job, Humans: 8 More Bird Species Confirmed Extinct

On the plus side: Less bird shit on my head.

****************************************************

Yusaku Maezawa, a Japanese entrepreneur who founded the fashion label Zozo, said he would invite six to eight artists — sculptors, painters, architects and film directors — to fly with him on a trip around the moon in 2023.

And this would be, what, the twelfth or the twentieth remake of this boring disaster movie plot?

****************************************************

How safe are the foods your children are eating?

How much profit would the companies providing them lose if they had to make them safe for them?

****************************************************

Trump administration slaps tariffs on roughly $200 billion more in Chinese goods

Good! Good! Lately I've been feeling guilty about how little I've been paying for the stuff I've been buying.

****************************************************

Six simple ways to make your small apartment feel larger

Tried'em all. But in a couple of weeks I gained all my weight back.

****************************************************

Man rubbed produce against his buttocks at grocery store, police say

"Ya can evolve a man from a monkey, but ya can't evolve the monkey from the man."

****************************************************

Legal team still confident that Manafort will not implicate Trump, Giuliani says

Sez as Trump's consigliere he made sure that there were lots of "buffers" between "the Don" and his hitmen.

****************************************************

Trump Says It’s ‘Very Hard For Me To Imagine’ Kavanaugh Accusations

So he'd like Kavie to please tell him all about the incident in detail (for future reference). ["Yeah, baby!"]

****************************************************

Senate Republican signal they will forge ahead on embattled nominee Kavanaugh

Judiciary Committee Chairman Charles E. Grassley said that he and his fellow kangaroos can perfectly judge the whole Kavanaugh affair themselves, no sweat.

****************************************************

The Latest: Australian Navy chief hopeful Cook's ship found

Sez his seamen are getting hungry.

****************************************************

Plane loses cabin pressure on flight, 36 hurt

Mostly those who happen to be inhaling at the time.

****************************************************

Mexico's president-elect flies commercial

Really?! You'd think a Mexican might be able to come up with a boatload of home-made flies.

****************************************************

Australia police arrest man accused of killing emus with car

"Just couldn't stand the fact that they were driving a better car than mine, judge."

****************************************************

Serena Williams Explains Why She’s Relying On Meghan Markle A Lot Recently

"Who can rely on some unknown woman been hanging around'ya all yer life and's never even been a minor celebrity, right!" [from the best-selling Birds of A Feather Fok Together by D. Ms Inel]

****************************************************

Graham: Appoint special counsel to probe ‘bureaucratic coup’ against Trump

I'm all for that. And then appoint special counsel to probe why some congressmen don't shave/comb their hair properly. [And how come all of their shoes ain't shined.]

****************************************************

Kavanaugh Tells Senators He Will Not Withdraw Nomination

In related news: Trump also said he too will never resign for the good of the nation & that he'll have to be impeached or the country will just have to go to Hell with him. [What, you thought a scummy guy like Kavanaugh being nominated by scummy Trump was purely coincidental?!]

Trump anti-discrimination official once called most hate crimes hoaxes

Democrats’ lawsuit alleging Trump’s business violates Constitution can proceed, judge rules

****************************************************

Susan Collins: ‘I Do Not Believe’ Kavanaugh Would Repeal Roe v. Wade

Yeah, but she also doesn't believe she looks any different now than when she was 16 [Hey, maybe she doesn't.]

****************************************************

A federal appellate panel has overturned an order that the nation's largest public utility must unearth and remove a Tennessee power plant's coal ash.

Sez if the coal ash pit is removed then what's gonna be left to devastate the state when the next hurricane hits?!

****************************************************

Russia: We have proof Israel is lying about downing of recon plane

And they also have proof that the whole world is lying "when they claim we've assassinated everybody we've assassinated."

One of the men accused of the Novichok poisoning attack in the UK is a Russian colonel, according to investigative website Bellingcat.

****************************************************

Bill Cosby’s Publicist: ‘They Persecuted Jesus And Look What Happened’

Cosby was a great con-man & now he's just a con? [Then he said: "Hey, hey, hey!" And was never heard from again.]

****************************************************

Republicans Rally Around Kavanaugh Nomination

Why not? Republicans have been totally unethical for a long time now, so why not also become completely amoral too!

****************************************************

Trump is the laughingstock of the world

What a surprise.

****************************************************

‘The Smithsonian can do more and should do more,’ says advocate for a Latino museum

What about the Marmalade Museum? Who wouldn't love that?

****************************************************

Weight Watchers has dropped ‘weight’ from its name. But that’s not enough.

Now they also have to keep telling the many peeping Toms trying to join that it's not everything they expect it to be.

****************************************************

Rouhani slams Trump as an "authoritarian" with "Nazi disposition"

If he knows this, I wonder why he doesn't join Kim Jong-Un then & become Trump's buddy.

****************************************************

‘I’ve never sexually assaulted anyone’: Brett Kavanaugh offers deeply personal defense in Fox News interview

"And Bill Clinton," added Kavanaugh, "who never had sex with that woman, can vouch for me."

Kavanaugh’s ‘choir boy’ image on Fox interview rankles former classmates

****************************************************

Nearly 40,000 people applied to run a cat sanctuary on a Greek island

I did myself until I found out that "cat" wasn't an euphemism for what I had in mind.

****************************************************

Hollywood Has No Plans To Remove Bill Cosby’s Walk Of Fame Star

Claim it's cheaper to just let somebody take a sledgehammer to it--whenever.

****************************************************

TRUMP BECOMES A LITERAL LAUGHINGSTOCK

Meanwhile, back in the White House, Trump told his people: "You guys see me cracking all them jokes out there!"

****************************************************

Christine Blasey Ford Polygraph Regarding Kavanaugh Assault Allegation Released

Oh Yes! A polygraph IS very much admissible in a Court of Public Opinion: So take one Mister Kavanaugh!

****************************************************

‘Chickens**t’ Republican Senators Slammed Over Plan To Avoid Kavanaugh Accuser

In their defense: It's hard for those with no character to look others in the eye.

****************************************************

Female Sex Crimes Prosecutor Tapped To Question Christine Blasey Ford In Senate ... The all-male GOP side of the Judiciary Committee has asked the Arizonan to question the accuser of Brett Kavanaugh.

GOPeers reason that if a prosecutor is questioning the victim of the crime instead of the alleged perpetrator the whole world will be turned upside-down & inside-out. And then the Republicans might have an indecent shot at winning the midterm elections.

****************************************************

Why Americans Are Getting Grosser When It Comes To Table Manners

1) hot wings
2) pizza
3) burgers
4) French fries
5) buttered popcorn
6) eat'n yer buggers (after fingering all the others: why not!)

****************************************************

U.N. General Assembly Updates: Trump to Chair Security Council Meeting

Fear not: They will install Trump on a Lazy Boy so he doesn't bang his head on the table when he falls asleep.

****************************************************

Democratic Senator On Christine Blasey Ford: ‘I Believe Her’

The very least a public servant ought to do is to give the benefit of the doubt to those who report that they are the victims of a crime.

It is the essence of law enforcement (and thus of society itself).

Anywhere law enforcement decides beforehand that anyone accused of a crime is more trustworthy/believable than anyone who reports the crime--there the wind-tossed fragile fabric of civil and civic society has been irreparably ripped forever.

For any public official whatever to give the benefit of the doubt to those who have been accused of a crime (before a full investigation has concluded) is a perversion of society. And it can only serve to move such a society closer to the dark side than to the side of righteousness.

The Supreme Court nominee's high school yearbook is a "minefield," said one Democratic senator.

Brett Kavanaugh’s Testimony Was A Spectacle Of Angry Male Bonding

****************************************************

‘Give it to me’: Trump lets loose with 81 minutes of bluster, falsehoods and insults

Watched it, unfortunately (Trump's scatterbrained news monologue--did he really answer any question in depth?). What, is he on drugs? Staggered by too much coffee? Or has he finally gone off the cliff & into the very deep end? Never seen anybody (outside one of those homeless lunatics wandering our streets & blithering to themselves) jump around so much & often about his topics & subject matters: Trump could not keep his focus on any one thing without wandering back & forth about ten or a dozen other unrelated matters! Makes me wonder if maybe his "handlers" allowed the nation to see him that way in order to justify an Article 25... [Yet one more conspiracy theory Trump's inspired!]

****************************************************

How To Convince Your Boss To Let You Watch The Kavanaugh Hearing

BOSS: "What!? You never heard of video tape?!" ["Get back to the grind, you bum!"]

****************************************************

Bank Employee Suspected of Stealing $4.3M Extradited to US

"Well, can I at least keep my $4.3M here, judge? Or, do I have to take it back to the U.S. with me?"

****************************************************

Many teens drink. Rich ones like Kavanaugh are more likely to abuse alcohol.

Naturally: The more money you have the more booze you can buy--Unless you're a professional wedding crasher or something. ["Kiss whom, the Woman in White? Sure. Let me polish off a couple of these bottles first: Let's face it, she's a dog--She's got a moustache & sideburns! Oh, this is a gay wedding. Still, I think the groom could've gotten a much better-looking guy for a bride... right?"]

****************************************************

Kavanaugh is lying. His upbringing explains why.

I don't know whether Kavanaugh is lying because I don't know the facts. If the facts are determinable I hope the proper people determine them in time. But either way Trump has taken a tremendous political gut punch for picking him Eeny-Meeny-Moe instead of properly thoroughly vetting him: But it's what Trump does. It's what he's always done.

****************************************************

Brazil candidate says he will only accept results if he wins

This was after his advisors finally succeeded in persuading him to at least accept those results.

****************************************************

Russian FM: S-300 surface-to-air missile batteries delivered to Syria

The S-300 batteries can be defeated with a swarm of cheap little GPS drones each carrying powerful explosives launched (safe from the S-300) from the drones' most distant range by an AI mother drone: The expensive S-300 missiles, if fired at the drones & even if absolutely accurate, will not be cost-effective. Therefore, the drone swarm mission will defeat it by forcing the S-300 to waste its missiles & those of its defenses; becoming susceptible to a more powerful direct attack.

****************************************************

Germany: Widow kept husband's body for 1½ years

Sez he didn't move all that much more when he was alive... and that he certainly smelled a lot worse. So she thought he was improving...

****************************************************

How Lindsey Graham became Donald Trump’s greatest ally in the Senate

He's a Republican. We know. [And it won't be over until they're ALL OF THEM kicked out on their corrupt little Republican asses.]

****************************************************

Confidence In Trump Lags Behind Russia’s Putin, China’s Xi In World Poll

How d'ya like that! Trump is finally becoming what he always wanted to be.

****************************************************

Trump Engaged in Suspect Tax Schemes as He Reaped Riches From His Father

What a surprise.

N.Y. tax agency weighs probe after report that Trump family built wealth through tax-avoidance schemes and fraud

It will all come out. It always does.

****************************************************

Teen Charged in Killing of Police K9 Named Fang

Now, really, what are the odds that a guy goes around killing dogs would be named Fang?!

****************************************************

Japanese Billionaire Will Fly To The Moon With SpaceX, Elon Musk Says

That's phenomenal! SpaceX rockets won't be polluting the Earth's atmosphere then if that Japanese billionaire can just wing it up there by just flappin' his arms. [Betcha the first thing he sez when he gets there is: "Boy, are my arms tired!"]

****************************************************

‘Art of the Deal’ writer says New York Times report ends myth of Trump as ‘self-made man’

C'mon, who didn't know that all Trump was/is a hollow man stuffed with Fred's money trying to scare the whole world waving his little hands?

****************************************************

Opinion | Has Backing Kavanaugh Really Lost The GOP The Women’s Vote?

No. Women are too stupid for that.

Women Cheer Trump As He Mocks Christine Blasey Ford’s Testimony

****************************************************

United Nations’ court rules U.S. must allow humanitarian trade with Iran

TRUMP: 'Humanitarian?' Could somebody please look that word up in a dictionary--see what it means...?

****************************************************

GOP senators release explicit statement about accuser’s sex life

They would NEVER agree to releasing some GOP man's explicit tax statements, of course. But what harm could releasing explicit statement about some woman's sex life do, right!

****************************************************

Putin denounces ex-spy Skripal as 'scum'

Skripal greatly relieved & honored that Putin didn't proclaim him a great & good man.

****************************************************

Flake says Trump’s attack on Ford was ‘kind of appalling’

In Trump's defense: It was also perfectly in character for Trump.

****************************************************

Puerto Rico disbands mounted police unit amid recession

The horses will still go on patrol, of course, since they get paid in hay.

****************************************************

Neurosurgeon stitches up stuffed bear at young patient’s request: 'How could I say no?’

Especially when his usual bill is $50,000 [Hope they have insurance!]

****************************************************

Jeff Flake Defends Kavanaugh: ‘Hard To Say What Drinking To Excess Is’

1) when you kiss your horse & ride your wife, that's just under the limit

2) when you make love to your horse & take your wife "for a ride," that probably exceeds the limits

****************************************************

Lindsey Graham Gets Booed For Kavanaugh Remarks, Tells Crowd ‘Boo Yourself’ The senator said Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh “was treated like crap."

Sez it takes one to know one. But that he was just talking crap.

****************************************************

Sen. Mazie Hirono Calls FBI Investigation 'A Sham' As Kavanaugh Vote Nears

Hey, the FBI was told by Trump to look under Melania's bed and the FBI found no credible substantiation of Ford's claims under Melania's bed. SO put it to rest, babe!

Anybody that didn't see a mile away that this Trump/GOP so-called "FBI investigation" was going to be a total & complete sham could've been much better/cheaper satisfied with a simple all-day sucker.

The only way this will ever be brought to justice is if a state grand jury or the proper state law enforcement authorities file charges against Kavanaugh and he is tried on any & all actionable charges. Let Ford & his accusers try to prove their charges in a court of law, win or fail there.

****************************************************

Scholar's Abe Lincoln Collection Fetches $300K at Auction

Upon hearing which, Trump laughed & boasted that his porn collection would bring in ten times as much.

****************************************************

NASA's Parker Solar Probe Swinging by Venus on Way to Sun

Its radio transmiter must've been tuned to WJZZ at the time.

****************************************************

Scrawny Dwarf Planet, Named Goblin, Found Well Beyond Pluto

Frankly, I would've expected a planet that far beyond Pluto to be sick, but apparently no--

****************************************************

Pope Francis: Satan Is Stalking The Catholic Church

Man, like, a real estate racketeer, a hollow man stuffed with Fred's money trying to scare the whole world--doesn't Trump have enough stuff to bankrupt already? He's already doing everything in his power to bankrupt the United States (after bankrupting everything else he has ever touched)... and now he's after the Catholic Church too! Wow!

****************************************************

Grassley suggests absence of women on Judiciary due to committee’s heavy workload

Absolutely: That's why all those septuagenarian geezers are there--because everybody knows the frail elderly can work harder/longer than the best teen athlete [boy, of course].

****************************************************

Mattis: Russia violation of missile treaty 'untenable'

Sez all Russian violations of missile treaty must be done in tens.

****************************************************

Trump ’100 Percent’ Certain Christine Blasey Ford Named Wrong Man In Her Assault

Sez he's ’100 Percent’ certain that it's probably the same guy who also committed all the bizarre sexual abuses he himself is guilty of-- [Mister Donaldtrump, ask Putin to play the tape!]

****************************************************

What Will We Tell Our Kids And Grandkids About Climate Change?

Don't worry: I'm sure they'll all be killed by the heat long before then.

****************************************************

The Israeli who solved a 200-year old math equation

[If I live on the 3rd floor] = [how come I only have to walk up 2 (floors) to get there?!?]

Although I'm pretty sure building builders came up with that math equation more than just 200 years ago.

****************************************************

Nepal busts chimp smugglers after BBC investigation

Cops became suspicious after finding that many migrants had slipped into the country on banana peels.

****************************************************

Jared Kushner Paid Little To No U.S. Income Tax For Years, New York Times Says

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Md. man who called fraud ‘the best job in the whole world’ gets 14 years in prison

Apparently the correct quotation is ‘the best job in the whole world if you don't get caught.’ [Busted!]

****************************************************

I’m still breast-feeding my 4-year-old. Here’s why.

Too lazy to wash all the extra dirty dishes.

****************************************************

Prosecutor accuses man charged with D.C. quadruple killing of fabricating story

Still & all, he'll probably get less jail time than had he told the truth. [Good Heavens! Is it possible Trump is right?]

****************************************************

You’ll never believe what passengers steal from planes

It's certainly not 'everything that's not nailed down' because I for one never board a plane without a clawhammer.

****************************************************

Trump vows ‘severe punishment’ if U.S. determines Saudi Arabia killed Khashoggi

Which means that right there determined the U.S. is never going to determine that Saudi Arabia killed Khashoggi then--least not under Trump.

Saudi transfer of $100 million to U.S. stirs questions

****************************************************

Trump promised $1 million to charity if Warren proved her Native American DNA. Now he denies it.

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Trump Says ‘Rogue Killers’ May Be Behind Jamal Khashoggi’s Disappearance

If Trump is telling the truth then poor Saudis wasted a lot of money on the hit squad they sent to Turkey to kill Khashoggi. [So the Saudis can thank God that Trump never ever EVER tells the truth. Saved them a few bucks.]

****************************************************

Jeff Sessions attacks judges thwarting Trump agenda. Blasts order for Wilbur Ross deposition as Supreme Court mulls issue.

I'm sure Sessions really really wants to kiss Trump's ass. But, face it, the stuff coming outta Trump is really really hard to take, and so Sessions is probably finding it hard to swallow: After all, Sessions doesn't want to go to prison with Trump no matter how hard Trump pushes for him to break the law.

****************************************************

Friend of Jamal Khashoggi: Turkish officials said journalist killed in 'barbaric' way

In the Saudis' defense: That's about the only way they know how to kill.

****************************************************

China party expels general who killed self

General leaves suicide note: "If you want to laugh last kill yourself first." ["Ha!"]

****************************************************

Mammals Will Still Be Recovering From Human Destruction Long After We’re Gone

Well, as long as we'll see them recover it's ok then.

****************************************************

China Says Internment Camps Are ‘Free Vocational Training’

Wonder how much Trump charged the Chinese for coming up with that typically moronic lie for them. [Trump doesn't shit without charging the toilet.]

Trump Inflates Saudi Arms Deal But Stays Silent On Saudi Cash In His Own Pocket

Told ya!

Amid crisis, Saudi Arabia transfers $100 million to U.S.

Trump and Kushner Put Saudi's Money First

****************************************************

Jimmy Carter Says Brett Kavanaugh ‘Unfit’ To Be A Supreme Court Justice

Sez he reached that conclusion months ago but only just now remembered to express it.

****************************************************

Report: Kushner And Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman Talk On WhatsApp

Twitter controversy erupts on which of the two guys has the longest tongue.

****************************************************

“I have a natural instinct for science” says the man who stared directly into the sun during a solar eclipse. — Jen Statsky

In Trump's defense: He's been blind most of his life, so I'm sure staring into the Sun isn't about to make him any blinder. [sic.] "Oops, didn't see The Law coming."

****************************************************

Trump Says It Looks Like Saudi Journalist Jamal Khashoggi Is Dead

Having a natural instinct for science, Trump carefully considered Khashoggi was now an unknown number of body parts distributed all over God-knows-where, and naturally instinctively came to the only possible AND correct scientific determination. [We see.]

****************************************************

Putin Hails Sunset of U.S. Global Domination Due To Mounting ‘Mistakes’

He is also returning Trump's deviant sexual tapes to him with a nice Thank You note: "Job Well Done, Don!"

****************************************************

‘Horseface’: Does it matter that Trump ridicules women?

No more than when Farrakhan insults Jews: These guys' supporters & enablers know pretty well by now what these guys are.

Farrakhan compares Jews to termites, says Jews are ‘stupid’

It's a serious look at themselves in a mirror that might yet answer why they are the followers of such disreputable creeps: They might not like what they see there.

****************************************************

The Health 202: Trump says GOP wants to protect preexisting conditions. But a Republican lawsuit would eliminate them if successful.

O what a marvelous idea! Eliminating all pre-existing conditions with but a lawsuit instead of with medical treatment! [And they still say that Republicans are Hell's spawn of raw naked & rapacious greed!]

What Mitch McConnell is up to is even worse than Democrats say

****************************************************

Washington Ballet is struggling with empty seats and a $3 million debt. What will turn it around?

More nude ballets would probably be a start.

****************************************************

Palestinian Leaders Are Accused of Using Torture and Arbitrary Arrests to Crush Dissent

Dude, in an Islamic country you can have ISIS or you can have a police state. But ya can never EVER have secular democracy. Sorry.

****************************************************

The places where too many are fat and too many are thin

Yeah, but as long they are evenly distributed in any one place, then there's no problem that place keeping an even keel.

****************************************************

Why Is There No Female Equivalent For ‘Mr.’?

But there is: 'Dame.' But for some reason women are reluctant to use the term unless formally ordered to by a monarch.

****************************************************

Report: Murdered journalist's remains found in Saudi consul's garden

Lucky for him Khashoggi was morbidly obese--otherwise he might've ended up in a handful of doggy bags & never been found at all.

****************************************************

This 8-year-old pulled an ancient sword from a Swedish lake. Does that make her the queen?

No. But if she touched the thing she should certainly try to get herself a Tetanus shot as soon as possible.

****************************************************

‘The President . . . says it’s ok to grab women by their private parts’: Man accused of groping woman on flight invokes Trump

"Sorry," said the judge: "I believe what Trump said was that it was ok for HIM and other top celebrities and 1%'ers to do it--not for every cheap Tom, Dick & Harry peasant out there!" [Off to the slammer, sir!]

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: As my messy daughter’s landlord, should I evict her over cleanliness?

No. Shame her by asking her what sort of upbringing she had! [Say som'n about her Momma.]

****************************************************

Report: Trump Uses Unsecured iPhone Even Though China, Russia Are Listening In

It's still more discreet than having to set up a "summit" with your spy handler just to relay your reports.

****************************************************

Ex-BBC reporter: I was tortured in The Gambia

Man, that's probably the last place in your body you'd want tortured!

****************************************************

Trump says he does not bear blame for attempted bombings

In Trump's defense: Neither did bin Laden. These type creeps don't personally direct every one of their terrorists out there. They just spew hate, lies, viciousness, anger & vileness, hurt & harm, suspicion & distrust, corruption, immorality & depravity... and their foot soldiers go from there. [Hey, Trump: They got your boy down in Florida!]

Cesar Sayoc was ‘lost’ — then he ‘found a father in Trump,’ family attorney tells CNN

****************************************************

Trump Suggests Armed Guard Could Have Stopped Pittsburgh Synagogue Shooting

Yea, that would certainly make America great again: Have it again be a place where everybody goes around with a gun strapped to his/her waist & where bloody high-noon shoot-outs are a commonplace occurrence.

****************************************************

ANALYSIS: How should Trump ‘extract the poison of antisemitism?’

Well, if you're looking for a vampire or a chupacabra to do the job you've got the right guy.

****************************************************

Woman celebrates 118th birthday in Bolivia

Sez she plans to celebrate her 119th in Jamaica and her 120th in Djibouti.

****************************************************

‘Rabbi’ At Mike Pence Rally Thinks Jews Who Deny Christ Go To Hell

"However, as atheists know Hell doesn't exist, they at least have nothing to worry about."

****************************************************

Two generations of humans have killed off more than half the world’s wildlife populations, report finds

And here I thought we hadn't achieved anything of late!

****************************************************

Crane damages Russia's aircraft carrier

"The bird hit the boat," said a sailor, "And the whole ship shuddered like it was going to sink. Frankly, we're lucky to be alive!"

****************************************************

Scientists count whales from space

Mostly the very very fat ones.

****************************************************

Germany arrests Russian for smuggling 12 million cigarettes

He'd glued them into one long entry for the World's Longest Cigarette Contest, but custom agents didn't buy it.

****************************************************

74-year-old was hunting jackrabbits in New Mexico — when his dog shot him in the back

Dog told police it was just a simple misunderstanding over how many jackrabbits each of them were gonna be taking home.

****************************************************

Portugal's strays get 'cat mansions'

Police investigating sudden rash of new cathouses opening.

****************************************************

Barbra Streisand Scares The Crap Out Of James Corden On ‘Carpool Karaoke’

Ok now, Barbra may not have aged grecefully--but she did tell Corden she was Barbra Streisand before she got in the cab!

****************************************************

Why the arms race is still white hot decades after the Cold War ended — and how to stop it

1) tell the Russians & Chinese to make their countries genuine secular democracies

****************************************************

Why Trump is holding a flurry of rallies in the final days before the midterms

1) if his GOP enablers lose Trump will be that much closer to the slammer

Judge denies Trump’s request for stay in emoluments case

****************************************************

10 Things I Learned Working In A Cannabis Dispensary

1) after a while there you don't really care whether the customers pay or not

****************************************************

France issues warrants for high-ranking Syrian officials

High-ranking Syrian officials trembling in their Russian Jacuzzis.

****************************************************

Amazon, Facebook and Google are all being looked at for antitrust violations, Trump says

So they better start becoming more supportive of Trump family businesses. [Yes. We know.]

****************************************************

Trump Vows ‘Warlike Posture’ if Democrats Investigate Him

Of course. De Niro's Al Capone: "Somebody messes with me, I'm gonna mess with with him." [Ya hadda know this was coming.]

****************************************************

Farrakhan compares Trump to Satan during visit to Iran

This is worth looking into, as Farrakhan deals with Satan personally all the time.

****************************************************

Report: Saudi investigators worked to remove evidence

In the Saudis' defense: They ARE investigating themselves, after all.

****************************************************

Matt Whitaker's Appointment May Be Illegal, Fox News' Andrew Napolitano Says

Mmm, I wonder if that's gonna be a problem for Mister Trump...? [Hey, wadda'ya know: I just made a funny.]

If Donald Trump cared a cow's crap about the law do you think he would've defrauded as many people as he's been defrauding all his life? And cheated American taxpayers out of millions of dollars with his many criminal tax schemes!

If nothing else all of the moneys the Trump Family Mob has illegally amassed through the years should be seized immediately & held from them until it can be established in a court of law exactly how much of it was acquired fraudulently, by illegal bribes--And how much by Trump's criminal tax evasion schemes. Honest tax payers in a number of states are OWED that much.

Trump pick Whitaker had role with Miami Beach ‘scam’ firm ordered to pay back $25 million

What a surprise.

New acting attorney general once promoted a company accused of deceiving clients

Yep. That sounds like Trump's man all right.

****************************************************

Paul Waldman: Why are so many people Trump hires corrupt, incompetent and immoral?

For the same reason Lucky Luciano's & Al Capone's were. [Except, of course, that Trump isn't smart enough to pick competent criminals for his mob like those other two guys.]

****************************************************

Jeff Sessions Dealt Police Reform One Final Blow On His Way Out The Door

A rat to the last.

****************************************************

Are there '300 criminals' in the caravan?

Yes. Right now they are sleeping in their mothers' arms, but as soon as they get here Trump is gonna declare them criminals & stick'em in concentration camps out in the desert while he deports their mothers as far away from their babies as he possibly can.

****************************************************

Rich Russian who may have grossly overpaid for a Trump mansion is mired in a big scandal

Lots of foreigners who needed stuff from the U.S. have "overpaid" for Trump stuff. It's Trump's "art of the deal." But it will all come out. It always does. And that will be the bigly bigly scandal. ****************************************************

Flight Attendant Breastfeeds Passenger’s Crying Baby

Baby cries out: "Where are the damn female flight attendants!?!"

****************************************************

Animal control officers, nearby helpers catch loose chicken

Said she's been having sex with every cock in the neighborhood.

****************************************************

Topless female protester runs at Trump's motorcade in Paris

Aides restrained Trump from jumping out the limo after her with promises of "fountains of Russian hoes" at his hotel.

****************************************************

Trump visit to US cemetery in France canceled due to rain

In Trump's defense: Rain's a lot tougher reason than the one that kept him out of Vietnam.

****************************************************

Advocacy groups tell Gov. Rick Scott he should remove himself from recount process

To which the Republican governor responded: 'Then how am I gonna make sure I win?!?" [Yeah. Explain that!]

****************************************************

The rules are clear: Whitaker can’t supervise Mueller’s investigation

You mean theoretically, provided the "supervisors" are honest law-abiding & principled people. Because, in reality, if the "supervisors" are crooks then they will continue their crime spree until they are stopped by the cops because, as we all know, crooks can't stop themselves.

"If criminals could stop themselves there would be no crime."

****************************************************

By characterizing basic safeguards as illegitimate, Rick Scott and President Trump are undermining democracy.

What a surprise.

****************************************************

The president just appointed an acting attorney general who advised a company accused of scamming customers.

What a surprise.

5 Reasons Why Matthew Whitaker Isn’t Qualified To Be Acting Attorney General--He may have broken the law by receiving political donations, for one.

But that's the exact reason Trump picked him: To help him break the law.

Matthew Whitaker is a crackpot

Did Matthew Whitaker compromise the Mueller investigation?

Did Trump obstruct justice in public on Monday?

Donald Trump has admitted to obstruction of justice so many times now his admissions are getting as ridiculous as a serial killer's.

Trump’s latest tweets cross clear lines, experts say: Obstruction of justice and witness tampering

Matthew Whitaker has experience advising con artists. Will he help more under Trump?

Before joining Justice Dept., Whitaker made more than $900,000 from charity, took ‘legal fees’ from company accused of fraud

So, basically, he wasn't as brazenly rapacious a crook as most other Trump associates then?

15 AGs Support Lawsuit Challenging Trump’s Appointment Of Matt Whitake

Comey says acting attorney general ‘may not be the sharpest knife in our drawer’

Matthew Whitaker wasn't drawn out the drawer because he was sharp but because he was dull (enough to give cover to Mister Collusion even at the cost of risking prison himself).

But: Accountability is finally coming to the Trump administration. Its members should be terrified.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: How are skydiving and meddling similar? Both have their risks.

Nope: It's that if you stick your nose in too fast it's going to get flattened.

****************************************************

Trump is wrong. Concession speeches aren’t binding at all.

Really? I thought Trump had signed an executive order making concessions by Democrats legally binding?

****************************************************

Trump’s attack on asylum is based entirely on false claims

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Discovery of 13 million-year-old ape skull shows what human ancestors may have looked like

Hippies?

****************************************************

Man detained for attempted self-immolation with wine

This never works: My uncle Bepo's been trying to self-immolate with Whiskey for the last twenty years... he's still around (somewhere). [He does look more like a mole now, though.]

****************************************************

New Zealand launches testicle check booth

"We'll now be able to tell you whether you have or don't have them in a matter of seconds."

****************************************************

Why I am starting to worry about the dollar

It's the last & only one you've got in your pocket?

****************************************************

Russians caught crossing bridge disguised as bus

Didn't have enough for the fare on a real one.

****************************************************

The office snitch is stressing me out!

"Keeps asking me for more & more dirt on everybody!"

****************************************************

Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith (R-Miss.) said it should be harder for "liberal folks" to vote.

I disagree: The country would probably be far better served if before being allowed to vote every Republican should have to [at random] be able to accurately recite from memory at least 5 of the Constitution's amendments outside the voting booth.

****************************************************

Trump plans to nominate Andrew Wheeler, former coal lobbyist, as next EPA chief

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Trump says he’s finished writing answers to questions from special counsel Robert Mueller

Ran out of crayons? Nope: Mueller only wanted truths from Trump. Short story.

****************************************************

Jed Shugerman and Ethan J. Leib: This overlooked part of the Constitution could stop Trump from abusing his pardon power

Sorry. Nothing will stop Trump from abusing anything or anyone (except getting him into the slammer as soon as humanly possible).

****************************************************

A portrait of Vincent van Gogh as a tormented soul

Finally! I was growing tired of all the portraits of him as a never-ending joke-cracking party animal!

****************************************************

Turkey keeps 1 activist under arrest, releases 12 others

"He's being held under our There's-Always-One-In-The-Bunch law."

****************************************************

What Is It Going To Take For Black Lives To Matter In America?

Black votes.

****************************************************

A Look At Some Of President Trump’s Most Unpresidential Moments

Great. Now we'll have to relive every moment of his time in office!

****************************************************

Skulls Reveal Neanderthals, Humans Had Similarly Harsh Lives

Lots of knuckle impressions on their heads.

****************************************************

Painting found in Romania studied as possibly stolen Picasso

"First our experts will have to determine if it's a painting, of course. Could be anything."

****************************************************

Emotional Video Shows Woman Reunite With Cat Who Ran Off Into CA Wildfire

Cat told reporters: "Yeah. Ok. That's her. Whatever."

****************************************************

Trump says he can’t imagine anyone but himself as Time Person of the Year

‘I would give myself an A-plus’: Six key takeaways from Trump’s Fox News interview

How in the world does a fruitcake like Trump even get out the front door without the guys in the white coats chasing him down with nets? One, and one answer alone: Cash.

Why is Donald Trump so bad at being head of state?

No got no head.

****************************************************

Officials suggested sharing census responses with law enforcement, documents show

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Ivanka Trump used a personal account to send emails about government business

Lock her up! Lock her up!

****************************************************

Vegan activists launch campaign to give town of Wool a more sheep-friendly name

First up: MisterPotatoHeadTrumpville

****************************************************

Whale 'had 115 plastic cups' in stomach

"Yeah. Try telling a whale to only drink the coffee."

****************************************************

Why You Should Teach Your Kids The Real Words For Private Parts

I do! It's "Gazongas" and "Juan Pampeeram."

****************************************************

A turkey has spent more time on-camera in the briefing room this month than the press secretary

Leave him alone: Trump has a perfect right to be there is he wishes.

****************************************************

Democrats want to dump Pelosi? That’s just plain dumb.

Sure the Pelosi name is poison. But, really, all they have to do is have her change her name legally to Busty Peluzza or something. [And BANG she's good to go.]

****************************************************

Rabies alert back in Kendall after a raccoon is identified — and now there’s an otter

The raccoon was identified as Rocky. But police still aren't convinced the otter's name is really Otis.

****************************************************

Driver loses licence after 49 minutes

He's suing the cops for this taxi fare the rest of the way claiming his license was good for a full hour.

****************************************************

Nicklas Backstrom rejoins Alex Ovechkin on top line as injuries still sideline Oshie, Kuznetsov

I wonder if these are real people or they're just making up weird names to be funny?

****************************************************

Spanish Court Rules Union of Sex Workers Illegal

So, Spanish hoes can marry their Johns but not other hoes then?

****************************************************

Cleaner jailed for forging school record

Both Harvard and Yale claim she never got her Ph.D in cleaning from them.

****************************************************

Head of Russian intelligence agency GRU dies at 62

A capo in any mafia either supplants the Don or dies before his time because he knows too much. All capos know that.

****************************************************

The Fix: Trump broke his word on Jamal Khashoggi — plain and simple

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Delta Passenger Arrested After Witness Said He Ordered Jews To Raise Their Hands

Airlines have employees for that.

****************************************************

I Spent Thousands Feeding A Compulsive Shopping Addiction. Here’s How I Stopped.

Ran outta money. [Just like everybody else who's beaten this scourge.]

****************************************************

What sounds did dinosaurs make? And what colors were they?

Two key questions for President Trump's next news conference.

****************************************************

Pet Peacock Runs Away From Home And Takes Up With Wild Turkeys

"They keep riding their motorcycles up & down our street all night & stuff!"

****************************************************

Georgia Woman Who Was Locked Up For Possessing Cotton Candy Sues County

"Yeah. But, she had like a whole bag full of the stuff."

****************************************************

After rolling back regulations, Betsy DeVos plans new rules that could benefit for-profit colleges

When you rob a bank you can only stay in it for a few minutes before you need to run off with the loot. And Trump's people are well-versed in this.

****************************************************

Man Shot at New Jersey Mall Packed With Black Friday Shoppers

Does not say how many shoppers he was packing.

****************************************************

Iran’s Rouhani calls Israel a ‘cancerous tumor’

Never thought I'd see the day anybody in Iran would admit their country has terminal cancer.

****************************************************

Why prescription drug prices have skyrocketed

1) because no drug company has ever priced itself out of the market

****************************************************

Elon Musk says he will probably move to Mars

Excellent! One fewer asshole at the DisneyWorld lines.

****************************************************

50,000 women killed in 2017 by someone they knew

Who would bother to get to know 50,000 women if it weren't to do something criminal?

****************************************************

Tim Allen Reveals ‘The Santa Clause’ Was Originally A Lot Darker

"Santa and his pet cat steal all the toys in town to kill Christmas before changing his mind & claiming the credit for returning the toys. But we were threatened with legal action by some doctor up in New England."

****************************************************

Fact Checker: Four Pinocchios for Trump’s claim that Obama had the same family separation policy

AP FACT CHECK: Obama Didn't Have Family Separation Policy

President Donald Trump is falsely asserting that the federal policy that split migrant families at the border was practiced by his predecessor, Barack Obama, as well.

What a surprise.

Trump’s fake crises overshadow real ones

In Trump's defense: He can't tackle real crises, but he can always handle his own fakes ones by simply making them even worse still.

‘The situation keeps getting worse’: Unrest at U.S.-Mexico border creates new tension over migrant caravan

Dude, those are the very migrants this country is in need of the most! [Our crops are rotting in the fields & tons of no-experience-needed jobs are going wanting!] Those people at the border are not the world's migrants--They're OUR workers! Hell, even Ammon Bundy knows that:

Ammon Bundy breaks with Trump on anti-migrant rhetoric: ‘It’s all fear-based’

Trump says he’s considering a backup plan for the wall if Congress won’t fund it

Putting in bids on eBay for old pieces of The Iron Wall & hiring Gorbachev to "put it back up" again for him (down Mexico way).

Bruce Springsteen: Trump is ‘deeply damaged at his core’

Yet one more guy born in the USA who's come to see Trump for the crackpot he really is.

****************************************************

Trump says U.S. should launch state TV network

Can't get anyone but FOX to broadcast his propaganda, I see.

****************************************************

DENIER-IN-CHIEF: I DON’T ‘BELIEVE’ CLIMATE REPORT

"And I won't believe it," added Trump, "until my backers make the last dime they can make in the fossil fuel industry!"

****************************************************

Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke remains defiant amid ethics probes

"If criminals could stop themselves there would be no crime."

****************************************************

This city is offering you $10,000 to move there

They figure they'll more than make up that money when it costs you about twice that much to move outta there.

****************************************************

Elon Musk: To avoid becoming like monkeys, humans must merge with machines

Ironically, once we become machines we'll need a tail longer than any monkey's to stay plugged to a wall socket.

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Trump ramps up GM threats

What a surprise.

[Trump doesn't know how to even begin to solve anything--he just imagines everything can be solved with a tantrum. And he surfs the bankruptcies he leaves in his wake by cashing in the losses over at the IRS. Neat! If you don't care who you hurt.]

****************************************************

Top GOP Lawmaker: ‘Awfully Tough’ For Ivanka Trump To Comply With Email Rules

In Ivanka Trump's defense: Hey, it's even tougher for purse-snatchers. But like Ivanka they too buck up, put on their running shoes & go!

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Trump says he is among those who ‘have very high levels of intelligence’ but are not ‘believers’ in climate change

Trump also believes that raindrops keep falling on his head because somewhere a saboteur is playing the radio too loud. [I think what Trump means is 'very high levels' of cash: Whopping morons with very high levels of cash are always being told they're the brightest, and most noble, kindest, greatest beings on earth. But of course it's just the cash that's being praising, not the whopping moron. [And Trump's just much too whopping a moron to grasp this.]

****************************************************

Stan Lee’s Cause Of Death Revealed

"He was a thousand."

****************************************************

Paul Manafort’s Lawyer Told Trump Team What His Client Said To Mueller: Report

What's a little witness-tampering to an obstruction-of-justice artist like Donald Trump?

As Cohen pleads guilty, raging Trump blows up GOP’s Mueller spin

****************************************************

Russia and Ukraine had a short naval battle. Here’s what you need to know.

1) Ukraine's ricketty tugboat Navy with hulls made of Swiss cheese are NOT better than Russia's Navy

****************************************************

John Bolton says he didn’t listen to tape of Khashoggi killing because ‘I don’t speak Arabic’

Translation: It might awaken his empathy and make him a human being. And nobody in the Trump administration wants that. [Including Trump himself, obviously, who also refused to listen to it.]

****************************************************

The true depths of Trump’s cruelty are about to be exposed

Wonder if they're talking about the lousy way he treats that tall butler of his Mister Kelly...

****************************************************

Wolf attacks man at cemetery in northern Germany

Man will be held in prison until after the next full moon.

****************************************************

Scientific summit: Gene editing of embryos remains 'irresponsible,' with risks too great to allow

So within the next 20 years gene editing of embryos will become, in the developed world, almost a required factor before having children. As it would be inhuman to have a means to improve human life and not use it.

****************************************************

Gene editing is here. It’s an enormous threat.

Dear troglodyte: Gene editing is/will be the saviour of mankind. Like medicine itself, except more modern. Humans have been editing their genes for as long as there have been humans: That's what we do when we mate with some blond (to make our babies blondies). That's what we do when we mate with a strong-chinned bloke, or some gorgeous face, or tall goomer. Gene editors will do more than these basic operations: They will cure every manner of illness/disease, make us immune to the common cold, and finally tackle all our worst disabilities, disfigurements, our utterly needless incapacities and vulnerabilities to the unlucky whims of fate.

Yes, like old time troglodytes who feared vaccination and even every form of modern medicine... for a time you current troglodytes will wail at the idea of gene editing that is promising to finally bring such brightness & light to the world like wild beasts howling at their first sight of an electric light amid the black of night... until all of you either die away trembling in some dark corner of your cave or, more likely: get drowned out by the majority of people who are being benefited by our ever-evolving modern medical techniques--like gene editing. Live with it!

The Gene-Edited Babies And CRISPR-Cas9 Controversy, Explained

****************************************************

You’ve heard of Bad Santa? In South Beach, behold .... Naked Santa

Cops interested in knowing who recognized the naked guy was Santa.

****************************************************

Ivanka Trump Defends Personal Emails, Says ‘Lock Her Up’ Doesn’t Apply To Her

Not while her DA-DEE is president, no.

****************************************************

FDA Permits 'Export Only' Medical Devices Not for Use in US

"What'd we care," said Giuseppe 'Joe Z' Zaluchi: "They're animals anyway."

****************************************************

How Trump appointees curbed a consumer protection agency loathed by the GOP

"Who needs a consumer protection agency," said Giuseppe 'Joe Z' Zaluchi: "They're animals anyway."

****************************************************

EPA Proposes Gutting Obama-Era Rule Protecting 117 Million Americans’ Water

"What'd we care," said Giuseppe 'Joe Z' Zaluchi: "They're animals anyway."

****************************************************

The farm bill could do more for animals than any legislation in recent history

Somehow... I don't doubt that.

****************************************************

As he ponders a 2020 presidential run, Beto O’Rourke meets with Barack Obama

What we need is a Bill Clinton with a micro penis who is NOT married to Bill Clinton.

****************************************************

The Oakland University police chief said puck-throwing students "would be quite the distraction" to a shooter.

In fact, he sez he's thinking of distributing pucks to his police officers and taking away their guns.

****************************************************

They always said Cher (and cockroaches) could survive the end of the world. Lately, she’s not so sure about that.

Cher has a voracious appetite for cockroaches & is afraid there might not be enough of them left alive after 'the end' to sustain her.

****************************************************

Spanish Man Builds 60-Foot Spaceship To Visit Planet From His Novels

Excellent! One fewer asshole at the DisneyWorld lines.

****************************************************

Macaulay Culkin Is Legally Changing His Name To Something Weird

Can't possibly be weirder than a little kid taking naked showers with Michael Jackson.

Former Maid Tells of Seeing Jackson in Shower With Boy

Michael Jackson's secret underage sex closet: Inside the raid that 'uncovered King of Pop's extensive collection of photos featuring naked teenage boys'

****************************************************

How Trump’s Labor Secretary Covered For A Millionaire Sex Abuser

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Does Trump get one thing right about the Fed?

"That, sir, is a physical impossibility."

****************************************************

The ever-growing list of people Donald Trump says should be jailed

In related news:

For framing innocent black men, a Florida police chief gets three years in prison

****************************************************

Ukraine urges NATO to deploy ships amid standoff with Russia

NATO sez: "Sure. And afterwards we can call the Apocalypse: WORLD WAR of the THREE Tugboats!"

****************************************************

Trump Makes Nobel Peace Prize Prediction, Then Rants About Emmy Award Loss

Truman's tombstone holds up newspaper with headline: "Trump Wins Nobel Peace Prize For Not Machinegunning Children At The Border."

****************************************************

FYI, Direct Flights And Nonstop Flights Are Different

Nonstop flights are those that don't stop at the specific place you're going.

Direct Flights are when all the many different planes you take fly directly towards where you're going.

****************************************************

The Latest: Trump fails to single out Russia in Ukraine spat

But fear not: Mueller is assuring nervous Russia investors that Putin has already paid off this debt to Trump in full.

‘I don’t like that aggression’: Trump threatens to cancel Putin meeting over clash with Ukraine

Domestic consumption crap: Trump will "find" a way to "forgive" Putin.

[Wait for it. Wait for it.] There it is:

Kremlin says Trump, Putin have agreed to meet at G-20 summit

What a surprise.

Trump cancels planned meeting with Putin at upcoming G-20 summit in Argentina

Two seconds after his "outrage crap" was apparently a tad too soon for Trump. But it'll come. Wait for it. Wait for it.

The truth is finally catching up with Trump

Both the collusion and obstruction cases get stronger

The Latest: Kremlin surprised by Trump's Putin cancellation

Putin threatens to sue Trump for all the money he spent on Trump's 2016 election. Giving Trump a much needed laugh: "Plenty of room at the end of the line of people I've stiffed!" [So, "Back of the line, buddy! Back of the line!"]

Why Vladimir Putin is a terrible strategist

****************************************************

Pedestrians, 74 and 63, killed in separate incidents

It's either kill or get killed in this world--And once you reach old age they usually take away your driver's license so you can't go around killing pedestrians anymore; then you have to go on the run yourself (when you can barely walk). Sad, but that's our circle of life.

****************************************************

How to not offend your co-workers and lose your job

Run them all down behind their backs so you can run over them & become their boss. Works every time in every workplace.

****************************************************

‘Barber Shop Chronicles’ eavesdrops on men getting haircuts

Mostly shitchat about unmentionable itches & salves which best handle them. We've all been there. (sic.)

****************************************************

Investigators have evidence that President Trump was in close contact with his lieutenants as they reached out to Moscow and WikiLeaks — and that they attempted to conceal their activities.

What a surpise.

The government implicates Trump and the Trump campaign in federal campaign finance violations

What a surpise.

Trump’s Businesses Have Charged $1.1 Million To His Re-election Campaign: Forbes

What a surpise.

****************************************************

Does ‘In God We Trust’ belong in schools? More states say yes.

It's either that, or 'In Trump We Trust' [ C'mon! ]

****************************************************

Dozer the cow is an inch taller than Knickers

Yes. I imagine a cow's knickers would have to be pretty big.

****************************************************

Chinese staff fined for not walking enough

Chinese staff complains it only has one leg.

****************************************************

Trump Once Mocked The Same George H.W. Bush Quote He Used To Remember Him With

I don't imagine Trump has that much storage capacity in his brain to remember many things he's heard anybody say. Or much else.

****************************************************

The Confederacy was built on slavery. How can so many Southern whites still believe otherwise?

Denial: Most Southerners are in self-denial. [Unlike Germany where there was de-NAZIfication, the United States has still to implement de-Confederacification; so a lot of the Confederacy's children & grandchildren are still experiencing morbid dreams about the ancient evils of human slavery never having existed... or even coming back.]

****************************************************

John Kerry feels liberated. Does that mean he’ll run for president?

If his wife lets him.

****************************************************

Dominique Crenn Becomes First Woman In The United States To Earn 3 Michelin Stars

She would have earned four, but the truck drove off before she could change the last tire.

****************************************************

Why it’s time to give the Soviet Union its due

Because if it weren't for the devastation wrought by the Soviet Union today's Russia would be the preeminent economic power in the world. And, would you really want that?!

****************************************************

This Keys man was nearly deported to Jamaica. The problem? He’s from Philly.

Cops said maybe he should try to keep his reefers under a footlong.

****************************************************

Tucker Carlson says Trump is ‘not capable’ and hasn’t kept his promises

In Trump's defense: He would have, for the right amount of cash.

****************************************************

Florida couple accused of stealing boat for Cuban honeymoon

"We figured we'd sell it in Cuba and then float back to the U.S. on an inner tube with our cash."

****************************************************

DC Clerk Nixes Marriage Of Man Because Of His ‘Foreign’ New Mexico ID Card--For the record, New Mexico became a U.S. state in 1912.

For the record, the American education system hasn't caught up to 1912 yet. [Patience: It should be up to 1912 in the next two/three hundred years. If th'evangelicals don't derail it, again.]

****************************************************

Acting AG Whitaker has suggested that Trump plays with the truth

Plays with it?! Dude, that sonnavabitch's got'em spring loaded on a roll next to his toilet.

****************************************************

China grants Trump family 18 trademarks in 2 months

Easing of American tariffs & trade war expected soon now.

Trump Says U.S. May Not Impose More Tariffs on China

Here we go.

Trump meeting with Xi at G-20 offers best chance in months to defuse U.S.-China trade fight

Oh, I think we're gonna see a marked improvement in Chinese relations now that Trump has told the Chinese which side his family's businesses he wants buttered.

U.S. and China Call Truce in Trade War

These things are so predictable I'm truly astonished that Trump is still 'Presidenting' out of prison, his graft pockets stuffed from selling his fellow Americans to every other country out there that's buying!

U.S., China agree to new talks as Trump pulls back on tariffs

What a surprise.

Wonder how much Trump making his coupla bucks in China cost regular Americans out in the heartland--But, hey, that's how Trump makes HIS cash.

Chinese stock markets soar on signs that the trade war with U.S. could be ending

"Is everybody happy!" Let's ask the Americans who paid terribly for Trump's putt'n the squeeze on China so Ivanka could get her toys.

****************************************************

Analysis: SNL honors Bush for ability to laugh at himself. Was it a commentary on Trump?

Every ability is a commentary on Trump. Everything right & decent is a commentary on Trump.

****************************************************

Trump says reports that CIA has tied Saudi prince to Khashoggi murder are 'premature'

Sez the United States will wait to see how much more the Saudis are gonna come across with on "renting" additional Trump properties.

Trump defends Saudi Arabia’s denial about death of Khashoggi

Apparently A LOT of "renting."

Saudi-funded lobbyist paid for 500 rooms at Trump’s hotel in late 2016

Dude, compared to the Trump Family Mafia's well-oiled Graft & Taxpayer Rip-off Machine the Clintons were just a couple of small-time penny-ante country bumpkin shoplifters.

Fact Checker: Trump’s claim of jobs from Saudi deals grows by leaps and bounds

We definitely need a special counsel to investigate just how much Saudi cash has "bounded" under the table or "leapt" over everybody's heads into Trump family businesses.

Exaggerating economic numbers is nothing new for Trump. Doing so to give the Saudis cover is.

U.S. House Panel to Probe Trump's Saudi Ties: Washington Post

That's a start.

It’s Not Just Trump in House Democrats’ Cross Hairs. His Family Is, Too.

Representative Jamie Raskin of Maryland, a Democrat who sits on two of the key investigative panels, said: “Politically speaking, this is the Achilles’ heel of the administration,” referring to the Trump family’s business dealings. “They have turned the government of the United States into a moneymaking operation for the president and his family and close friends. That is the exact opposite of our constitutional design.”

What a surprise.

Trump’s latest rage-tweets expose the depth of his own corruption

****************************************************

What the !*?&%!@ is going on with the current economy?!

It's on the Trump rollercoaster: Enjoy the ride!

****************************************************

The stock market decline means ... what?

That Trump is (finally) raising all the punts & dinghies ... by lowering the water for the yachts. [Dude, I'd be willing to bet my lucky nickel (the one with Jefferson wearing a beret), that Al Capone & all the Italian Mafias never cost this country even a fraction of what the Trump Mafia & his crime family associates already have. So roll out those calculating machines & start cranking away!]

****************************************************

These 4 People Have The Coolest Job That You Never Knew Existed

They're in charge of chipping away any build-up of ice crystals on stiffs down at the morgue.

****************************************************

Franklin Graham and Robert Jeffress defend Trump after he did not recite the creed at George H.W. Bush’s funeral.

Oh thank Heavens! I was pretty sure it had to be because God had forbidden the Antichrist to do it.

****************************************************

VA chief Robert Wilkie once praised Jefferson Davis as ‘martyr to The Lost Cause’

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Trump Inauguration Committee Under Criminal Investigation: Report

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Nauert previously cited D-Day as the height of U.S.-German relations

What an ignoramus! I can see why Trump picked her. [Fits right in.]

****************************************************

Tillerson: Trump asked me to take illegal actions. Trump: ‘He was dumb as a rock.’

The two things are not mutually-excluding:

1) Trump always asks everyone around him to do illegal things, and

2) Trump thinks those who don't break the law are dumb

****************************************************

Trump picks Barr as US attorney general

Two thing we know:

1) if he was picked by Trump then he must be a dumbass

2) if he accepted then he must be a horse's ass

****************************************************

Anti-Zionism Isn’t the Same as Anti-Semitism

No two pears are the same. But most people just ask for a pear, not for a pear from this or that specific tree.

****************************************************

Rat Spotted in Florida School Vending Machine

It's not selling as well as the other snacks, though.

****************************************************

After trusting Cohen for years, Trump now thinks he has no credibility

In Trump's defense: Exact same thing happened to John Gotti with his underboss Sammy the Bull Gravano.

****************************************************

Trump administration halts study that would use fetal tissue ‘to discover a cure for HIV’

In Trump's defense: Nobody in his family has HIV. So, of course, Trump's gonna believe that doing everything we can to cure HIV is a waste of good money.

****************************************************

TX Rep.: If Trump Weren’t President Or Privileged, ‘He’d Be In Court Right Now’

I knew there had to be a reason Trump wanted to be president, other than just to bankrupt the country like he did with every other business he's run--into the ground: "O where is [Fred Trump] Daddy!" ["Where are my Saudi buddies now!"]

****************************************************

What we now know about Trump and Russia

It will all come out. It always does.

****************************************************

The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department has suspended a unit that stopped thousands of innocent Latinos on a freeway to search for drugs.

In the cops' defense: If they searched only Latinos for drugs (and no one else) then stats would PROVE that Latinos are the only ones behind the drug problem. [And numbers don't lie.]

****************************************************

“I would predict here on MSNBC that when Trump leaves office he will resign the presidency 10 minutes before Mike Pence leaves office, allowing Pence to pardon him if there is not a Republican president to follow him,” Washington Post columnist Jennifer Rubin said on “AM Joy” on Sunday.

Good! That would ensnare Pence in Trump's web of outrageously [self-evident] prima facie obstruction of justice conspiracy. So Pence would then need a subsequent Republican president to pardon him. And then that guy would need another Republican president to pardon him [ad infinitum] in a glaring obstruction of justice string of crimes that the Democrats could flash in front of the voters like a string of pearls.

****************************************************

The ‘pissing fly’ urinates faster than cheetahs run, teaching scientists about new forms of speed

Weird stuff being reported in their lab's restrooms.

****************************************************

Turkey seeks 15-year prison terms for prominent journalists

They were typing on computers instead of typewriters.

****************************************************

Colin Kaepernick reportedly ‘ready and willing’ to play for the Redskins

Redskins say they've got enough troubles already.

****************************************************

Will Donald Trump leave any lasting policy legacy?

Do not know--But if he does, it will almost certainly be a TREMENDOUS bigly bigly fib.

****************************************************

The Daily 202: Four reasons that even some Trump loyalists do not want to be White House chief of staff

1) damages knees too much (yours AND yer pants')

2) you must babysit Ivanka over the weekends

3) & Trump weekdays whenever he's not playing golf

4) wiping Trump's--after you run out of the toilet paper

****************************************************

The Fix: The 2020 election could determine whether Trump faces consequences for alleged crimes

Trump's 2020 campaign will run under the motto: "President or Felon: You Are The Judge!"

Trump’s lies and disinformation require a new kind of media response

****************************************************

Humans Are Pooping Plastic, And No One’s Certain How Bad That Is

Well, thank God that humans have finally come up with a process for biodegrading plastic. [It's good! It's good!]

****************************************************

Joy Behar Jokes That Trump May Be Innocent, But ‘Individual-1’ Certainly Isn’t

Trump is innocent because mentally he's only a baby. And ya can't prosecute a baby.

****************************************************

Anthony Scaramucci Is Still Bitter About Being Fired By John Kelly

Anthony Scaramucci has been bitter pretty much since he found out he was Anthony Scaramucci.

****************************************************

Don’t count on shame to get the GOP to behave

Cut the pretense. Just say it: They are shameless. They have no shame.

Senate Republicans are responsible for the most unethical and incompetent administration ever

****************************************************

Analysts see troubling gaps between Trump’s statements and intelligence briefings, U.S. officials say

That's right, baby: Our analysts are quick as a whip.

****************************************************

Police yanked a 1-year-old from his mother’s arms during an arrest. Prosecutors dropped the charges.

The kid will be able to walk out of jail (provided he already knows how to walk, of course).

****************************************************

Has the tax on women in national security been cut?

"God, I hope so: I'm in national security, and I've got THREE women..." [One in the house & two on the side.]

****************************************************

This 102-year-old woman skydived to raise awareness for the disease that killed her daughter

If the disease is not being addicted to throwing yourself out of planes over & over to see how many times you can do it without the parachute failing to open, then I didn't guess the disease.

****************************************************

She was supposed to be deported, leaving 3 children. Instead, she hid in a church.

ICE agents have searched the entire church top to bottom but can't seem to find her. O well, at least the inconvenienced parishioners are comforted by their new life-like statue of The Virgin Mary.

****************************************************

Cohen Says ‘Blind Loyalty’ Led Him Astray

The ole "the devil made me do it" defense.

****************************************************

Michael Cohen, sentenced Wednesday, says he’s free from Trump

Trump has finally been forced to return the contract Michael had signed in blood giving over his eternal soul to him. [Next up: Mitch McConnell. But don't bet on it: I just don't see Mean Mitch having much of his soul still left. Do you?]

****************************************************

Trump turns down Rep. Mark Meadows from consideration for White House chief of staff

Trump sez he's looking for somebody whose life he can utterly & completely ruin without it costing him too much politically.

****************************************************

Trump Uses France Terror Attack To Push For His Border Wall

In Trump's defense: He was probably smocking [sic.] crack in his third grade geography class. Again. Also.

****************************************************

Congress moves to ban cockfighting in US territories

So if you ever see a couple of cocks that look like they're about to go at it: Intervene, grab hold of them, and try to bring them down.

****************************************************

Albert Einstein’s Controversial ‘God Letter’ Fetches $2.89 Million At Auction

It famously begins: "Dear God, for Christmas this year what I really want is..." et al [Since apparently Einstein didn't believe in Santa Claus!]

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A hot dog is a taco. A steak is a salad. A Pop-Tart is a calzone. Let the Cube Rule explain.

The Cube Rule is: When you order your food by the cube you can't really tell what the hell's in there. [Order it by the pound instead.]

****************************************************

Trump claims ‘money we save’ from trade deal means ‘Mexico is paying’ for border wall

"I don't know. The price of my avocados & tomatoes & stuff's been going up lately A LOT. And I don't see no wall going up nowheres... even half as high!"

****************************************************

Melania Trump Calls Journalists ‘Opportunists’ Piggybacking on Husband’s Fame

Guess what they say is true: It does takes one to think everyone else's one too.

****************************************************

Cohen’s sentencing clears a path for Congress to uncover the truth

It will all come out. It always does.

Mueller should try to indict Trump. It would guarantee his report goes public.

It will all come out. It always does.

****************************************************

Publisher of National Enquirer admits to paying hush money on Trump’s behalf

What is it with these present day Mafia capos? They just don't seem to want to go to jail anymore like the old ones did in Luciano's day!

****************************************************

Nine-year-old child arrested for underaged driving

Claims he was only going to the store for some smokes.

****************************************************

A sixth-grader named Trump has been bullied so much he’d like a new name

"Trump: A name that will live in infamy." --FDR

****************************************************

Congresswoman: Why when I search ‘idiot’ do I get pictures of Trump?

For the same reason when you look up 'moron' in the dictionary (or thief, gyp, cheat, screwball, creep, crackpot, harebrain, kook, batty, humbug, liar, nut, swindler, paranoid, crook, draft dodger, loon, psycho, adulterer, maniac, tax-cheat, demented, defrauder, wacky, balmy, 'un-indicted co-felon' and many others) you also find pictures of Trump: Trump is the best definition.

... shady, unscrupulous, deceitful, devious, thief, conscienceless, dishonest, treasonous, incompetent, corrupt, malignant, treacherous, perverse, unethical, venal, rotten, vicious, faithless, bribable, immoral, reprobate, underhanded, warped, unprincipled, unscrupulous, debaucher, noxious, crooked, miscreant, villainous, crank, unreasonable, ornery, pernicious, wrongheaded, degenerate, deluded, untrustworthy, depraved, cretin, bully, half-wit, imbecile, simpleton, inept, asocial, fool, 'Mister Collusion' [yes, dictionaries are still furiously adding pictures of Trump to their pages], back-stabber, ignorant, irrational, 'guilty as sin,' unhinged, buffoon, vile, reprehensible, disgusting, 'shamefully self-righteous,' bonehead, laughingstock, nut job, regifter, childish, blowhard, whiner, a blind wormlike amphibian, narcissist...

****************************************************

Trump Defends Disgraced Foundation’s ‘Great Work’

He means in making him a lot of ready cash.

****************************************************

Republicans Describe Trump As ‘Weak’ And ‘Nuts’ In Private, Dem Senator Says

The very definition of cowardice. And these are the sort of 'men' some voters out there want representing them!

‘A breakdown in trust’: Revelations about hush money and Russian interference renew debate over the legitimacy of Trump’s 2016 win

What if Trump needs to issue a life-or-death order for this country as her Commander-In-Chief: Do we really know how many military commanders & government officials are out there who are still convinced that Trump has the moral as well as the legal authority to do it? This is essentially a question of whether the United States of American really even has a legitimate president. And is one which requires being immediately addressed, most especially by the Republican Senate!

Republicans are choosing party over country

We are former senators. The Senate has long stood in defense of democracy — and must again.

A new understanding of ‘collusion’ and obstruction

Trump has already lost the shutdown fight

Are Republicans abandoning democracy?

Future generations will feel only contempt

Is there anything Trump touches that isn’t corrupt?

All the things Trump didn’t count on

Surviving a Criminal Presidency

To survive a criminal presidency one must be ready to face the very real probability that the criminal President will try to carry out some even more egregious crime still to escape the law. And I'm willing to bet this crime will either be an unjustified Iranian war or an impulsive attack on North Korea--less likely but still possible are a military confrontation with China or Russia. [Suddenly pulling American troops out of Syria points to Iran.] But, whichever crime it turns out to be, Trump's putrid brain must be chug-chug-chugging right now about how a wartime "hero" president might fare in all his "little, inconsequential" legal troubles. [We'll see.]

White House Asked For Options To Strike Iran: Report

This is not the way to leave Syria

Trump undermines his entire national security team on Syria

****************************************************

Trump says things that aren’t true. Few believe him, poll finds.

In Trump's defense: Trump himself believes they believe him. [Which is why Trump lies & is unlikely to stop lying EVER. And why Trump has always doubled down on his past lies, and will invariably double down on all his future lies. End of this sad story.]

****************************************************

Investigation Unearths Hundreds Of Abuse Allegations In Independent Baptist Churches

What a surprise.

Megachurch Pastor Passionately Defends Giving Wife A $200K Lamborghini Urus

[You can't decide to start making money off of God if you believe in God. Therefore you will never convince me that any of these preachers (so-called) really believe in God. No way, Jose: Believing in God & doing good deeds in this world are two separate/distinct things.]

****************************************************

Giuliani Defends Michael Cohen’s Hush Money Payments: ‘Nobody Got Killed’

So it was like a good, honest, decent bank robbery, then?

****************************************************

Is Theresa May a bad negotiator, or is Brexit just an impossible proposition? Answer: Yes.

Ok. Washington Post editors need to look up the definition/usage of the word "or" in the nearest dictionary.

****************************************************

These bats carry the lethal Marburg virus, and scientists are tracking them to try to stop its spread

All bats flying in from Marburg will now be strip-searched at the airport for the virus before being allowed to enter the country.

****************************************************

HO! HO! NO! Santa Horrifies Parents In England By Yelling ‘Get The F**k Out!’ At Event

In Santa's defense: For a moment there he must've thought he was in the United States.

****************************************************

Lindsey Graham Has No Problem With Trump ‘Lying About Sex’

This is because Lindsey Graham is a deeply religious man.

****************************************************

A human heart was left on a plane, revealing how organs move around the country

If it was left in San Francisco then I think I know whose heart that is.

****************************************************

Scientists Discover Giant Leopard-Spotted Salamander Living In Florida

It managed to stay for more than a month at the Fontainebleau before they found out it was not some rich old broad & evicted it.

****************************************************

Mounting legal threats surround Trump as nearly every organization he has led is under investigation

The question somebody should ask Trump is: "Knowing you were one of the biggest law-breakers in American history, and that you have NEVER put your hand to anything that was not criminal: What the hell were you thinking running for President--the one place every eye on this earth is always trained on?!?"

Why not indict the Trump Organization?

****************************************************

Mick Mulvaney, the president’s pick to be acting chief of staff, called Mr. Trump a “terrible human being” in 2016.

Donald Trump would have to walk one terrible mile to find anybody who's ever called him a wonderful soul (and wasn't working for him at the time).

****************************************************

Mexico aims to boost crude output by 45 percent before 2025

From now on Mariachis will be asked to grab themselves while they play their trumpets.

****************************************************

Russia claims US ignoring outreach on nukes

Patience, comrades. Patience! Trump is very busy these days (playing golf).

****************************************************

North Korea Angered Over US Sanctions, Threatens Nuclear Disarmament End

Dear Mr. Trump, I believe that should read: "Threatens End to Some Possible Future Beginning of Nuclear Disarmament" [decades from now]

****************************************************

Trump doesn’t want the public to know what government scientists are doing

1) working on ways to turn his steal-ly taxes stealthy

****************************************************

The science of giving gifts your loved ones won’t want to return

Give'em a pair of your old torn underswears & tell'em you bought them at Tiffany--They won't DARE try to return them.

****************************************************

Five myths about space

1) you can still think plenty good with a head made up mostly of it: Trump disproved that

****************************************************

Fox News’ Chris Wallace Tears Into Rudy Giuliani: ‘I’m Asking You For The Truth, Sir’

Giuliani sets Chris straight: "Sir, you are talking to a lawyer!"

****************************************************

Trump Defender Alan Dershowitz Argues That Lying To FBI Isn’t A Crime

"The last refuge of the scoundrel lawyer who can't claim his client is innocent is to then claim that his client's crime is not a crime." Samuel Johnson, 2018

****************************************************

The president has been demanding $5 billion from Congress for his border wall, which Democrats refuse to give. But White House press secretary Sarah Sanders said that “at the end of the day, we don’t want to shut down the government.”

"Yeah. No: What we really wanna know is: Do you guys have the President tied up down in the basement of the White House?" [Yes? Or no?]

****************************************************

Chris Matthews Predicts Trump Could Resign ‘In The Coming Weeks’

Sure, if Trump can cut a deal to stop this death sentence:

Democrats plan to request President Trump’s tax returns in 2019

****************************************************

If Trump does not run for reelection, what then?

Then the GOP will have to go scrape the bottom of the barrel for its rock bottom Pence.

****************************************************

Rats are everywhere in D.C. Even on the White House lawn.

What? Can't Trump practice a little golf out on his yard before going off to play golf?

****************************************************

Putin: Russia has enough missiles without violating treaty

Sez he's just violating it to see if he can attract the attention of that hot old German broad (he's had his eye on for years) Mrs. Merkel.

****************************************************

These Conservatives Sound Just As Critical Of The Decision As Liberals Do

Does not say what it is that liberals do (that sounds just as critical of the decision). But liberals do have a tendency to arm-pit trumpet a lot.

****************************************************

Festive reindeer for rent at Russian zoo

"You'd be surprised," the Zoo director told us, "how many people around here get interested in bestiality this time of year."

****************************************************

How Russia defeated America in Syria

1) helped elect Trump

Putin praises Trump’s decision to pull troops from Syria

Well, thank God at least someone with the best interests of America at heart agrees with Trump!

The Russian president said the Trump administration had made “the right decision” about pulling troops from the conflict zone.

"However," Putin then added that, "it would not be the right decision for Russia to pull its troops out as well." [Sez he only has enough pull with Trump.]

****************************************************

Yet again, a fistfight breaks out in Ukraine’s parliament

Understandable: They can barely speak English, so naturally it's hard for them to properly talk out their differences.

****************************************************

Ryan: Trump ‘Won’t Sign Bill’ — Shutdown Imminent

Wonder if they've tried offering Trump a lollypop (if he signs it).

****************************************************

A ride through Elon Musk’s first Boring Company tunnel

Ah, yes! Of course: "Musk's eColon"

****************************************************

Five reasons to give for why you can’t buy them Christmas gifts

1) we're satanists

2) first Santa brings us the cash then we buy your gifts

3) Trump rappelled down the chimney last night & stole Christmas

****************************************************

Man in critical condition after shooting in Southeast Washington

Wonder if it's the guy who got shot?

****************************************************

Trump is leaving 50,000 Syrian civilians to die

You know, this headline hangs there like Trump could care a rat's ass or something.

****************************************************

Please don’t wish me ‘Merry Christmas’

Outta cash & hiding under the bed? Sure: Who hasn't been there?

****************************************************

Trump Says Democrats ‘Own The Shutdown’ That He Said He’d Own Last Week

What a surprise.

****************************************************

D.C. Council member Jack Evans received stock just before pushing legislation that would benefit company

Which, in the age of Trump, is now considered admirable.

When college football powers want more coaches than rules allow, they call them analysts

Which, in the age of Trump, is now considered admirable.

****************************************************

U.S. judge says law enforcement officers had no legal duty to protect Parkland students during mass shooting

Judge sez that they only became law enforcement officers because girls like fellows in uniform, therefore the extent of their legal responsibility is only to wear their uniforms.

[Which, in the age of Trump, is now considered admirable.]

****************************************************

Reminder: Shutdowns Are Costly And Stupid

1) it doesn't cost Trump a dime
2) Trump thinks it's a great idea

So now you know why.

Trump Says A Government Shutdown Would ‘Last For A Very Long Time’

****************************************************

Ocasio-Cortez Dares Congress To Halt Congressional Pay During Shutdowns

If she'd really meant that she would have triple-dog dared Congress. But she didn't, which means she wasn't triple-dog serious about it. [Oh those triple-dog darn politicians!]

****************************************************

Trump was right to pull out of Syria and Afghanistan. This is what he should do next.

Send the troops into Congress, arrest all the bums in there, and declare himself Emperor of France? [He's thinking about it. He's thinking about it.] Lindsey Graham would make a very cute royal majordomo or valet.

****************************************************

Bird says safety is its ‘top priority.’ So why is the e-scooter company’s Instagram page nearly devoid of helmets?

Never mind about the helmets thing. Why is that bird interested in safety. And, is it a parrot? [Gotta be, right?]

How to make a habit stick (and it’s not about trying harder)

Never mind how to make it. What is a habit stick used for?

****************************************************

Senate Republicans are responsible for the most unethical and incompetent administration ever

C'mom. let's be real: One look at Mitch McConnell should be enough for anybody to see that he's all mean & no mind. [Lotta times tough mean can seem like tough mind.]

****************************************************

Trump can launch nuclear weapons whenever he wants, with or without Mattis

Well, thank God for that! I feel much safer now. [As you know, Trump's a genius: A bigger genius, in fact, than any rock you'd care to pick up anywhere.]

****************************************************

Exasperated over market drop, Trump asks advisers whether he can fire Fed chairman

No, he can't. So they're all trying to steer Trump towards trying to fire God for all the terrible acts of God He's been whipping up of late. "Them hurricanes costing us money, Sire." [See if they can keep Trump from doing some real harm.]

****************************************************

2019 Could Be The Year We Stop Throwing Away Ridiculous Amounts Of Food

Hope so: It's about time we started throwing away some serious amounts of food instead.

****************************************************

Celebrities And Lawmakers Flood Twitter With #TrumpResign Tweets

Trump is now telling everybody that 'resign' means 'to sign up again.'

****************************************************

It’s Officially Time To Ban Gift-Wrapping Paper

Now that everybody just tells you which gift they want instead of being satisfied getting any gift at all (like the tradition used to be before the age of Trump).

****************************************************

Dear America: It’s time we gave fruitcake another chance

Hey, how many more chances can we give Trump without it busting us?!

What do Trump and Fidel Castro have in common? "Paredon! Paredon! Paredon!" [Joke going around in Little Havana these days.]

****************************************************

Treasury secretary startles Wall Street with calls to bank CEOs

Nothing to be alarmed about: Mnuchin is just probably the lonely masher & romantic phone perv he looks like.

****************************************************

Patrick Shanahan To Become Acting Secretary Of Defense After Mattis’ Departure: “Patrick has a long list of accomplishments," Trump tweeted Sunday. "He will be great!"

What? Only 'great' and not 'super stupendous' or 'the greatest Secretary of Defense in human history?' [Obviously Trump doesn't have a lot of confidence in this poor guy.]

****************************************************

President Trump led us to success in Syria. Now it’s time to leave.

Indeed. Trump's made the world out there so lawful, safe & decent that there's no longer any need for America to be the world's policeman! That is why Trump treats refugees as the criminals he has now made them. [Merry Christmas!]

****************************************************

Markets stage one of worst Christmas Eves ever, closing down more than 600 points as Trump blames Fed for stock losses in a tweet

Well, thank God Trump isn't doing all kinds of crazy stuff that might aggravate the situation! [This is the second Republican administration in a row that tanks the economy--Hope the next Democrat administration can stage another Obama-like recovery after that Bush tanking.]

****************************************************

Trump: Turkey promised to eradicate whatever is left of ISIS in Syria

Considering that Erdogan & his family make most of their money from ISIS, this sounds like yet another one of those genius gut impulses that Trump has probably really really carefuly thought through, doesn't it!

“I have a gut, and my gut tells me more sometimes than anybody else’s brain can ever tell me,” Trump said in the interview.

And now you know where all this shit's coming from.

****************************************************

This State Wanted To Expand Healthcare For The Poor. Big Tobacco Helped To Kill That.

Yeah. I don't think the most healthy thing one can do for the poor is giving'em a big tobacco either!

****************************************************

Rand Paul Praises Trump’s Syria Pullout: ‘These People’ Should ‘Fight For Themselves’

Sez that in the age of Trump what Jesus sez is: "Don't help others as you don't want others to help you!"

****************************************************

Bloomberg Rips ‘Senselessly Chaotic’ Trump, Demands GOP ‘Start Showing Some Spine’

GOPeers will be showing other select parts of their bodies instead. [And, from them, that'll have to do, brother!]

****************************************************

Trump is incompetent, impulsive and amoral. Heaven help us all.

Somehow Pope Francis's Christmas message seems a little more to the point this year.

****************************************************

Trump visits U.S. troops in Iraq in first trip to a conflict zone

Dow surges more than 1,000 points, its biggest point gain in history

Anybody still doesn't think they should try to get Trump outta the country more often!

U.S. markets stumble after Wednesday’s big rebound, showing volatility amid political uncertainty

Dammit! Knew this was gonna happen soon as I heard Trump was headed back to the country!

****************************************************

Of course President Trump dodged the draft. Should we still care?

In Trump's defense: He couldn't make a buck serving his country, so he ran for President instead: "That's where the real money is." [from the best-selling The Art of The Steal]

Trump received ‘bone spurs’ diagnosis as a ‘favor,’ doctor’s daughters allege

****************************************************

Seth Rogen Made A Shocking Discovery About ‘Home Alone,’ And Fans Are Bummed

Joe Pesci is the same exact height as Macaulay Culkin? C'mon, who couldn't see that!

****************************************************

Meghan Markle’s Half-Sister Spent Christmas Attacking The Duchess

Well, isn't that what sisters are for?

****************************************************

He’s locked up for life after murdering his wife and children. So why do women send him love letters?

No woman can resist a lady-killer.

****************************************************

Russia tests new weapon that is allegedly impossible to detect

The one design flaw is that everybody will know it was the weapon used whenever it's impossible to detect what weapon was used, of course.

****************************************************

NIELSEN: PARENTS TO BLAME FOR MIGRANT KID DEATHS

Sez the United States will no longer prosecute crimes against children because it's their parents who are really guilty for bringing them into this world in the first place. [Republicans are already drafting the legislation.]

****************************************************

Trump: Israel can defend itself with the billions the US gave it

You'd be surprised the damage a wad of cash can do if it hits you just so.

****************************************************

Brazilian spiritual healer 'John of God' indicted for rape

Americans' confidence in religious leaders' honesty and ethical standards has been tanking in recent years.

The foundation of all religions is not belief in God but financial donations & other contributions to one's religion: The basic for religion is not faith but cash--Anybody sez different is either a liar and/or a man of the cloth.

****************************************************

The Rockettes, still kicking after 85 years. Here’s why we love them.

Because at 85 the old girls can't throw their legs up quite as high as they used to?

****************************************************

Frenchman aims to cross Atlantic in a barrel

Sez his biggest worry is that people in some passing ship might think there are fish in the barrel.

****************************************************

FBI Has Fake Green Cards Allegedly Supplied By Trump Golf Club Managers: Report

C'mon, is there anything Trump has ever put his hand to that wasn't way beyond being legal or downright criminal?!?

Former U.S. commander calls Trump dishonest and immoral

Donald Trump Is The Real National Emergency, Harvard Law Professor Lawrence Lessig Says

Trump’s ‘emergency powers’ threat reveals the GOP’s dismal state

Ex-RNC Chair Puts Trump-Supporting Senators On Notice: ‘It’s All Collusion’

Michael Cohen is about to sing, and Trump is in big trouble

****************************************************

The Federal Reserve took Donald Trump’s advice on interest rates. Now he’s not happy.

I'm sure even Trump can't possibly believe anybody'd be stupid enough to take his advice.

****************************************************

Trump Brags To Troops About A Fictional Giant Pay Raise He Got Them

Trump missed his true calling: He should have taught a college course On The Art of Telling Rally Stupendous Whoppers (lies so huuge that there can't possibly be anybody left on earth doesn't know they're lies). [sic.]

****************************************************

Mr. Trump has a well-documented problem telling the truth. These are the patterns in his falsehoods.

Problem telling the truth?!? He's gotta be like the biggest liar who ever lived on this planet, if not elsewhere too!

A year of unprecedented deception: Trump averaged 15 false claims a day in 2018

Fact Checker’s ongoing database of the false or misleading claims made by Trump

****************************************************

Albert Einstein said: "Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution."

I am a strict advocate for exactly the opposite: Knowledge is always more crucial than imagination (which encompasses all the world's lies, after all): Truth is the target of knowledge (truth which is not at the center of knowledge is always suspect). The Truth is always bound by knowledge.

****************************************************

Jemele Hill On Calling Trump A White Supremacist: Like ‘Saying Water Is Wet’

Thank Heaven it wasn't Trump saying that about water or I'd have to get all wet checking it for myself!

****************************************************

US Adults Aren't Getting Taller, but Still Putting on Pounds

I don't know... I woke up this morning to find that I'm about 2 or 3 inches shorter than when I went to bed last night (I think I'm also a number of pounds lighter). SO I'm thinking maybe Trump is diminishing humanity or something.

****************************************************

Authorities say a Florida woman claiming to be God held up a postal truck, stole a single package and fled on a tricycle

Not the worst Act of God ever recorded, I dare say.

****************************************************

Runaway Cow Gives Birth 2 Days After Fleeing Slaughterhouse-Bound Truck

Guess there is a God after all.

****************************************************

Trump claims there’s a 10-foot wall around the Obamas’ D.C. home. He is wrong.

We know: The ten-foot wall is around Trump's echoing brains.

****************************************************

Feel like screaming? Head to the theater.

Yeah, this current batch of movies is pretty terrible.

****************************************************

Markets poised to finish year with worst performance in a decade — and the volatility seems certain to continue

Don't sorry: Soon as Trump starts a war here or there (to try to save his ass from going to prison) things'll steady out.

****************************************************

The 10 best things Trump has done in 2018

1) Saved everybody the fear of being called "the worst liar there is"

2) Gave false hope to tyrants like Putin, Erdogan, Kim Jong-un AND has stabbed in the back every evil person ever naturally drawn to him

3) Trump is the mirror of his stupid voters: They can look at Trump and see what stupendous suckers they truly are

4) Single-handedly exposed the Republican Party for the unforgivably heartless selfish bastards they really are

5) Singled out the worst crooks in Washington by hiring them--And is helping to convict them by involving them in his own moronically transparent crimes

6) Hired the worst of the worst so it's then hard for them to get a job after he publicly ruins them

7) Saved the cops the trouble of breaking him in interrogation by voluntarily right out confessing all his crimes on Twitter & Fox

8) Eliminated the need to run out to Burger King for Whoppers: Ain't nobody can produce a whopper like Trump

9) Finally got rid of the Swamp (by converting it into a standing sewer)

10) And he WILL finally Make America Great Again (once he leaves office)

****************************************************

The 10 worst things Trump did in 2018

Nothing (about the worst things Trump has done is funny).

****************************************************

Trump: Ask Warren’s Psychiatrist If She Thinks She Can Win 2020

Am I wrong, or does this mean Trump thinks seeing a psychiarist is one of the most bigly things to fear? [Trump might be fantasizing he's in some sort of Mafia movie, and doesn't understand he's playing with real people's lives.]

Let’s ask the psychiatrists, Mr. President. But let’s start with yours.

****************************************************

‘You can’t impeach somebody that’s doing a great job,’ Trump says after Democrat’s viral remark

And what Trump said was immediately written down as evidence in case his being put into a psycho ward ever needs to be justified.

Let’s ask the psychiatrists, Mr. President. But let’s start with yours.

GOP Clutches Pearls Over Rashida Tlaib’s ‘Foul Language,’ Shrugs Over Trump’s

Not So Fast: Trump Called The Chinese Motherf**kers In Vegas Speech

President Who Gleefully Insults People Calls Tlaib’s Comments ‘Disgraceful’

****************************************************

Trump Calls Those Who Don’t Support His Wall ‘Criminals’

What a surprise.

‘Crazed lunatics’: Trump again attacks the news media as ‘the enemy of the people’

What a surprise.

Let’s ask the psychiatrists, Mr. President. But let’s start with yours.

****************************************************

What does China want to do on the Moon's far side?

Things which will not be spied with our little eye.

****************************************************

How To Save For Retirement When Your Job Doesn’t Offer A 401(k) Plan

Start selling the stuff you've 'taken' from their workplace?

****************************************************

Keira Knightley Reveals Her 1 Reason For Ever Wanting A Penis

1) to open the front door when your arms are full of groceries

****************************************************

Trump doesn’t understand his leverage is gone

Trump doesn't understand his hair is gone.

****************************************************

Pink Dwarf Planet Nicknamed ‘Farout’ Is Solar System’s Most Distant Object

Scientists say that only itty-bitty dwarves can live there because it's so small. And of course they're pink because it's really really cold out there.

****************************************************

Crane snaps, injures construction worker at Playboy marina in Dania Beach

Cops don't know what made the bird mad, but said the construction worker was definitely NOT trying to screw it.

****************************************************

‘Fox & Friends’ Tells Viewers Now Is The Time To ‘Buy A Gas Guzzler’

"We make our money selling gas!"

****************************************************

Grandson of Fidel Castro shares his life of luxury aboard yachts and more on Instagram

The more communist a "socialist" nation becomes the more spectacularly wealthy its privileged aristocracy.

****************************************************

Trump Wants To Call The Shutdown A ‘Strike.’ He Has It Completely Backward.

Trump's poor sad brain cannot accept blame for anything whatsoever. He will always find a way to deflect blame from himself even when it's utterly needless or preposterous.

Let’s ask the psychiatrists, Mr. President. But let’s start with yours.

****************************************************

I’m 35 and have nothing saved for retirement. Should I be worried?

No. Before you're old enough to retire the world will have been utterly & completely destroyed. So relax.

****************************************************

Donald Trump Says He Can ‘Relate’ To Federal Workers Who Can’t Pay Bills During Shutdown

When he was a kid Trump was 'dirt poor' (Mean Old Man Fred Trump would only allow him to lose a measly handful of millions per year on companies that he'd run into the ground).

Former Trump Organization VP Spills Beans On Trump’s Awful Dealmaking Skills

****************************************************

Trump directs his Cabinet to 'find money' for the wall

How about Napoleon's gold: It's in Russia!

****************************************************

Democrats, don’t impeach Donald Trump

Signed by all the late night show hosts & every standup comic in America.

****************************************************

In a "60 Minutes" interview, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said there's "a lot of people more concerned about being precisely, factually and semantically correct than about being morally right."

I'm one of them: Killing a billion people to save a billion & one might be 'morally right' to someone but the fact is that it's monstrous madness: Facts are universal, morality is any Joe's. [Add as many as you'd like to that 'one' and you're still killing a billion people.]

Note that nowhere in the Constitution will you find the words 'moral,' 'morality' (nor 'virtue,' 'virtuous,' 'decent,' or even 'honest') because the document itself is a list of the laws which we must all observe or suffer the legal consequences of violating them. [And even the dishonest.]

Being much better children of the French Enlightenment than those "paragons of virtue" who unleashed The Terror during the French Revolution, the highly educated men who well considered & edited the American Constitution understood that such hubris must corrupt and eventually destroy all who judged others by their own "morality." And so they confined their national aspirations strictly to the observance of law, leaving 'morality' for the eternal debate between good & evil men--and what that might eventually produce is anyone's guess.

****************************************************

Why Do I Sweat In My Sleep?

Because you're too cheap to run the airconditioner.

****************************************************

The Latest: DeSantis Says Faith Can Mend Political Divide

Well, yes, given that everyone in Florida is Roman Catholic, it might just work. Sure.

****************************************************

“So I don’t know if R. Kelly did it or not,” Master P said. “That ain’t my business."

We know it isn't, Master P: The abuse of human beings is solely the business of human beings. So, you go on to whatever other animal species you prefer to belong to with a clear conscience.

****************************************************

Paris’ First Nude Restaurant Closes For Lack Of Business

Strange--What could be more appetizing than staring at a fat slob's junk over on the next table while you're eating your spaghetti & meatballs!

****************************************************

Evangelical Pastor Defends Trump’s Plan: ‘Heaven Itself Is Gonna Have A Wall’

No more Mexicans in Heaven! [Unless, of course, it's to clean up & serve stuff to the in-crowd.]

****************************************************

The Fix: Trump just undermined his argument for a national emergency

In Trump's defense: His scrambled brains have always left him pretty much not knowing whether he's coming or going.

****************************************************

What's Fukubukuro and why is Japan crazy for it?

Don't know. Let's hope that it comes with a condom.

****************************************************

Security Camera Catches Prowling Suspect Licking Doorbell For 3 Hours

Homeowner sez he would have called the cops after the first couple of hours but he could see that the doorbell still wasn't completely clean yet.

****************************************************

Trump’s Son: Border Wall Is Like A Zoo Fence Protecting You From Animals

The dehumanization of the migrants is well underway. [Can the gas chambers be far behind?]

Celebrities Tear Into Trump Over ‘Hitler-ian’ Border Security Address

****************************************************

What if we paid people to donate their kidneys to strangers?

Then we'd have a boatload of very poor & desperate people walking around with only one kidney. [The good news is that immigrants would finally be welcome with open arms again in the United States. And driven to hygienic hospitals instead of dirty old desert detention camps.]

****************************************************

Trump Lambastes Democrats, Spreads Mistruths In Speech For Border Wall Funding

It wasn't a total loss: I got to practice my violin along with Trump's speech.

Trump Has Entered The Lying Stratosphere, Says Pulitzer Prize-Winning Columnist

****************************************************

Three economists ran the numbers on Trump’s border wall. They find it’s a bad investment.

Sounds like Trump's trying to continue his lifelong run of bad investments then--O Where's Daddy Fred Trump when ya need'im!

****************************************************

Democrats press to reopen government as president heads to the border

Trump's speech might have been good for taking a shot very time he told a lie--if it weren't for the real risk of alcohol poisoning even before the end of his first paragraph.

Dana Milbank: Trump’s wall isn’t evil. It’s medieval.

****************************************************

‘Trump’s only sin is that he is enforcing the law’: GOP senators weigh in on day 19 of shutdown

Well, once "enforcing the law" starts taking bread out of their kids' mouths you're gonna start hearing more & more Americans out there praying to High Heaven: "Impeach The Bum!" [like pigs squealing] "Impeach The Bum!"

****************************************************

Donald Trump Jr. Shares Instagram Meme Which Calls His Dad A ‘Motherf**ker’

Easy to see where the poor kid gets his brains.

****************************************************

Trump Says Sen. Chuck Schumer Lied, Denies Having Temper Tantrums

Let's go to the tape:

Trump Threatens National Emergency If He Doesn’t Get His Border Wall

****************************************************

This couple divorced. Then she gave him her kidney.

That van Gogh sure was ahead of his time!

****************************************************

Coast Guard families told they can have garage sales to cope with government shutdown

"They could also pimp out their wives & some others." ["Wouldn't have to just be garage sales."] I suppose "Let them eat cake!" was already taken.

****************************************************

Mexico’s president has chosen not to comment on Trump’s border wall. Why?

Because it might distract from Trump's slowly sinking into his own quicksand.

****************************************************

Shutdown threatens national security, FBI agents group warns

Yeah, tell it to Trump.

****************************************************

Pentagon searching for projects it could cut or delay if Trump declares emergency and directs military to fund border wall

Wouldn't those funds (if they can be unearthed) be better spent in hurricane & other disaster relief? [Just asking.]

California’s Camp Fire Was The Most Expensive Natural Disaster Worldwide In 2018

White House eyes disaster money to help fund border wall under emergency plan

Sure, screw the people who really need help! Pharaoh's Pyramid must be built!

****************************************************

How can the government expect people to work without pay indefinitely?

Trump does it all the time when he bankrupts a company to collect from the IRS. He always tells the workers that have worked without pay until then: "Live with it!"

****************************************************

Trump Gets Savage Twitter Fact-Check Over ‘Wheels Older Than Walls’ Claim

In Trump's defense: B.C. comics was always showing the caveman working on a wheel, not on any wall. [Ok, maybe he was sitting on a wall while working on it. I don't 'read' as many comics as does Trump.]

****************************************************

Why is Congress so dumb?

Because voters always vote for people like themselves.

****************************************************

Russians interacted with at least 14 Trump associates during the campaign and transition

Why did Manafort lie to the FBI after having signed his sweetheart deal to cooperate with them? I suspect it might be because he knows he has participated with Donald Trump in treason against the United States, and is terrified of hanging with him.

Is Trump a Russian 'plant' like Britain's Cambridge Five Soviet spies? Only time will tell, of course. But more and more the story of Trump & Russia looks like the story of an American criminal who knows that the law must eventually inevitably catch up with him here and is trying to arrange his escape to a place which will not extradite him back to the US to pay for his lifetime of criminal activities. [Anyone think Donald Trump isn't aware of his crimes?] So at the end of the day it would be wise & advisable for all law enforcement agencies in the United States to be at the ready to block any attempt by Trump to flee to Russia. [Yes, really.]

Ex-FBI Officials Say Spy Inquiry into President Trump Is ‘Uncharted Territory’

FBI Probed Whether Trump Was Working For Russia After Comey Firing: Report

Trump has concealed details of his face-to-face encounters with Putin from senior officials in administration

Trump should be freaked out right about now

It’s official. We lost the Cold War.

Ex-DOJ Counterintelligence Chief: Trump Is ‘A Clear And Present Danger’ To National Security

It looks like a big day for collusion. No wonder Trump is raging.

Mueller will get to the truth even if Manafort is lying

No president has ever been asked: Are you a Russian agent?

The Trump-Putin revelations tell us what we knew all along

It’s undeniable: Trump and the Russians are locked at the hip

Trump’s denials about his business ties in Russia are not credible

Here are 18 reasons Trump could be a Russian asset

****************************************************

Opportunity Zones: Can a tax break for rich people really help poor people?

Rich people swear by it.

****************************************************

T-Mobile announced a merger needing government approval. The next day, 9 executives had reservations at Trump’s hotel.

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Barr vows to protect Russia probe but says Mueller report might stay secret

Naturally: Since it's obvious that Putin already knows everything that's gonna be in it, I can see where the American government would NEED to keep the Mueller report secret--and from whom: [Youm, that's whom.]

The Russians know exactly what Putin and Trump talked about, but we may not find out for decades

Ex-DOJ Counterintelligence Chief: Trump Is ‘A Clear And Present Danger’ To National Security

Dear Trump, a few Americans would like to know just how big a criminal you really are. All the Russians on earth already know. [Trump is such a worthless piece of crap that he actually devalues whatever cash he might be carrying around in his pockets: Same exact amount is always worth more in anybody else's pockets.]

Sorry, but Trump is not ‘tough on Russia’

****************************************************

RUDY WON’T RULE OUT COLLUSION WITH RUSSIA!

But sez that even if it did happen treason is not a crime. [Sez the real problem is that damn cops see crime everywhere they look: "They should start sending them out with their eyes bandaged!"]

Trump’s alarming failure to engage in basic counterintelligence hygiene with Putin

****************************************************

Christie: Trump is surrounded by ‘amateurs, grifters, weaklings’ and ‘felons’ — but it’s not really his fault

Cuddle these child offenders & watch what they'll do once they become teenagers.

****************************************************

Ann Coulter justifies shutdown: A wall is worth more than ‘the Yosemite gift shop being open’

And that should tell you the exact amount of compassion she has for the millions of people suffering through the Trump shutdown.

****************************************************

Ohio is now a red state. Can Democrats ever take it back?

Sure. Same way as always: Once the Republicans run it into the ground.

****************************************************

‘I blame every single elected official’: One Coast Guard family talks about the toll of the shutdown

Another Trump voter going down with the ship.

****************************************************

Pelosi asks Trump to postpone State of the Union address or deliver it in writing

Sez Trump doesn't have the brains to say something new. [Translation: Trump can't tell us any lies we haven't heard before.]

****************************************************

A cow escaped the rodeo and disappeared into an Anchorage park. For 6 months, no one has been able to catch her.

That cow knows people only too well.

****************************************************

Black people will never have the power white people do.

The only way to prove you have the power is to exercise the power, yes. But even the least powerful can blunt the strongest exercise of power by showing that it is the wrong way power should be exercised. [Mantra of all civil rights movements.]

****************************************************

Trump Touts Border Wall In San Antonio — It Has No Wall And Isn’t On The Border

In Trump's defense: You can't really expect Trump to keep track of every last one of his lies, now can ya!? [C'mon!]

****************************************************

Turkish opposition challenges electoral list containing 165-year-old voter

165-year-old voter sez it's a lie: Sez he's a lot older--Sez he remembers shaking Napolean's hand when he was a teen.

****************************************************

Liked the wedding ring story? Here are further feel-good tales.

"Once upon a time Trump was in-peached. Bam!" [by Andrew Dice Clay]

****************************************************

Trump said he beat ISIS. Instead, he’s giving it new life.

In Trump's defense: Any idiot could've told you that's what he'd end up doing!

****************************************************

Democrats aren’t buying Trump’s shutdown-ending ‘compromise’

Trump completely stumped. [After all, he's willing to do a little bit of the right thing to do and for, what, five billion & change.]

GOP Texas Border Congressman Calls Trump’s Crisis A ‘Myth,’ His Wall Ancient

****************************************************

Trump is ignoring the law to keep the shutdown from causing him political pain

Waitaminute! Republicans already passed a law to keep the shutdown from causing Trump political pain?! [His ignoring it sounds about right for Trump, though.]

****************************************************

George W. Bush Calls For End To Shutdown With Pizza Delivery

Things gotta really be bad for George to be working as a pizza delivery boy. [Of course, you never know whether George's working deliveries now because of Trump's government shut-down or because he thought he was working deliveries after finding himself alone in the pizza car when the delivery boy who was giving him a ride home left for a sec.]

****************************************************

Elites Gather In Davos As The World Spirals Into Crisis

Hey, Trump: Putin just called & sez you're not undermining the West fast enough.

For two years, Trump has been undermining American democracy. Here’s a damage report.

****************************************************

President Trump made 8,158 false or misleading claims in his first two years

"Well, that certainly beats me."

****************************************************

Pence links Trump’s push for a border wall to Martin Luther King Jr.’s legacy

Sez he's still trying to figure out how Jesus supports it.

****************************************************

26 Billionaires Own The Same Wealth As The Poorest 3.8 Billion People

This is probably because while the 3.8 billion people are spending their wealth like billionaires, the 26 billionaires are very frugal with their cash.

****************************************************

Five reasons Trump may be a one-termer

1) if they give him more than 10 years he'll die in the slammer

****************************************************

Calls escalate for Trump to end shutdown and trade war amid fears of economic slowdown

Trump's political incompetence is mind-boggling:

Voters who are suffering because of the government shut-down but are still more than happy to continue suffering for Trump's wall will obviously suffer on in silence.

Only those who are suffering and don't want a wall would have any reason to be heard about Trump making them suffer for his wall.

Nobody's going to hear from Trump's supporters (even if there are any). And he will lose on this deal just as he has lost on all the rest of his other stupid deals.

When is Trump going to realize he isn’t convincing anybody on the wall?

Has Trump tired of being bashed on the shutdown?

Trump is trapped and tanking

****************************************************

8 Ways The Rest Of The World Eats Better Than Americans Do

It doesn't say what Americans do worse than the rest of the world eats, but I betcha anything it's "than Americans do the Mambo."

****************************************************

Venezuela and U.S. locked in tense standoff as Russia warns against American ‘intervention’

Sure: The Monroe Doctrine in the up-side down age of Donald Trump.

****************************************************

EPA fines for polluters drop 85 percent under Trump, which former officials say could cripple efforts to deter wrongdoing

I'm sorry, but wasn't wrongdoing what Trump was elected to do?!

****************************************************

Why do people such as Lindsey Graham come to Congress?

No skills other than "to appear to be willing" to do the biddings of others. [from Why/Who Runs For Political Office--by some ancient Greek or other]

****************************************************

"Watch father-in-law!" the morning after BuzzFeed News reported that Trump had told Cohen to lie to Congress (and before Robert Mueller’s office disputed that report), Trump again tweeted to “watch” Cohen’s “father-in-law”

Did Trump already order the 'hit' on Cohen's father-in-law or was he just bringing him in all the way from Sicily so Cohen could 'see' him in the courtroom from the witness stand?

Michael Cohen says Trump and Giuliani threatened him. Does that amount to witness tampering?

Correction: that should read "doesn't" up there (not "does") in that question.

****************************************************

The Trump administration’s tentative deal with the Taliban could return Afghanistan to chaos

Correction: that should read "will" up there (not "could") in that headline.

****************************************************

Palestinian president decides to change his government

Following the usual Palestinian wisdom they'll all now become Republicans: Wanna catch the top of the wave.

****************************************************

Tom Brokaw: ‘Hispanics Should Work Harder At Assimilation’

Hispanics?! How about Americans: Ain't no American I ever met out de-ah talked American properly!

****************************************************

From Lucky Strikes to tapeworms: 7 of the oddest weight-loss schemes of the past were also unhealthy

Of course ya can't get Lucky Strikes from tapeworms! Gotta buy them at 7-11.

****************************************************

Florida metal hunters found a World War II-era grenade — and brought it to a local Taco Bell

"Just wanned to see how explosive Mexican cuisine really was, judge."

****************************************************

The real wall is between conservatism and fresh ideas

Excuse me. But aren't conservatives the preservers of the bygone?

****************************************************

There’s evidence of collusion everywhere. But is it a criminal conspiracy?

There’s evidence of mobster activity everywhere. But is it a mob family?

****************************************************

Why do taxpayers subsidize rich farmers?

Taxpayers don't--it's them dirt cheap politicians the rich farmers bought.

****************************************************

Why Trump's White House daily press briefings are disappearing

You can only cry 'wolf' so many millions & millions of times I guess.

****************************************************

Trump On Defense As Conservatives Say He Caved On Shutdown

"All right. I have to make arrangements now to ... clear myself of all these false charges. But I'm a superstitious man. And if some unlucky accident should befall me ... if I should get shot in the head by Chuck Schumer, or if I should hang myself in the Oval Office, or if I'm struck by a bolt of lightning playing golf down in Mar-a-Lago ... then I'm going to blame some of the people in this country (again). And that I do not forgive (unless Pelosi tells me I have to). But that aside, let me say that I swear on the souls of my grandchildren that I will not be the one to break the law that we've made here today--I'll find some way around it instead." [Donald Trump's speech on signing the law to end his government shutdown] "Maybe put a ladder up against it & climb over ... dig under it ... or ... something." [The Brain at work.]

Trump is again considering invoking emergency powers to build border wall

****************************************************

Roger Stone Says He Hasn’t Ruled Out Cooperating With Robert Mueller

Don't do it, Roger! Stay strong. And when you stand before the sentencing judge say some'm about his momma!

****************************************************

Roger Stone claimed more force was used on him than at the bin Laden and El Chapo raids. Nope.

In Roger Stone's defense: A papercut on one's pinkie is more painful than a million fingers lopped off other folks.

****************************************************

Bolsonaro has colostomy bag removed

Now the shit's really gonna fly in Brazil!

****************************************************

Nearly Half Of Americans Have No Confidence In Trump, New Poll Finds

The other half are still waiting for someone to come grease the pole.

****************************************************

William Barr Indicates Concerns Over Trump’s Privacy Could Shield Mueller Report

Hot damn! Wait: Does this mean we're NOT gonna get to see the p-p tape for which Putin won the Oscar?!

****************************************************

Inmate slapped with new charge after cops say he bit off part of another inmate’s ear

The surcharge will be added on top of the standard charge because the inmate whose ear he bit off was imported.

****************************************************

What is the polar vortex?

Is it the extreme bipolar disorder that Trump suffers from?

****************************************************

Rush Limbaugh Rants About Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Democrats Being Like Hitler

Trump, not so much...

Convicted for leaving water for migrants in the desert: This is Trump’s justice

****************************************************

Video shows a 65-year-old clinging to the hood of an SUV as it races through traffic

"It may look bad, officer. But the old geezer has claustrophobia and we just can't get him to ride inside!"

****************************************************

Top GOP senators propose repealing estate tax, which is expected to be paid by fewer than 2,000 Americans a year

Nay, not even 2,000, GOP senators say that even cutting the estate tax of as few as (a yet to be named) 26 families would satisfy their voter base.

26 Billionaires Own The Same Wealth As The Poorest 3.8 Billion People

****************************************************

GOP senator says Trump wants a ‘simple’ border wall deal

Sez Trump could sell even a little white picket fence to his voters as The Great Wall of China if they but give him that. [And he'd even have Ivanka plant some flowering bushes in front of it.]

****************************************************

Undocumented worker who worked for Trump golf course to attend State of the Union

Trump sez she's the only one who can make the top of his head look properly ironed.

****************************************************

Trump is a fraud

In Trump's defense: I don't believe he's ever tried to be anything other than that--He's tried to pass himself off as everything other than that. But, that's all Trump's ever really wanted to be: A fraud.

****************************************************

Trump Administration Reportedly Building New Nuclear Weapon To One-Up Russia

What can go wrong?

****************************************************

Almost everyone is getting what they wanted from Trump. But not Trump.

Oh, I seriously doubt that anyone gets Trump.

****************************************************

Turkey in a pickle over Syrian olives

I was just about to try the recipe. And then I find out it's just a stupid political wisecrack!

****************************************************

Ariana Grande Tries And Fails To Fix Botched Japanese Tattoo

Give it up, girl! Just tell everybody it's "a masterpiece" depiction of the Apocalypse.

****************************************************

Trump Claims Intelligence Chiefs’ Live Testimony Was ‘Totally Misquoted’

In Trump's defense: Every time he's ever asked his flunkies who they're gonna believe [him or their own eyes] he's never heard anything other than a swift: "You, of course!" [I believe that's the sole job qualification of anybody works for Trump.]

****************************************************

Saikat Chakrabarti bashed Trump for using social media "to incite fear" and promote "simplistic ideas."

In Trump's defense: It is unimaginably scary just how simpleminded Trump is.

****************************************************

Other euphemisms for ‘people of means’

Ain't you.

****************************************************

Congress braces for Trump diverting military construction money to build the wall

Would it be all that surprising if Putin's marching orders to Trump were that Trump should weaken the American armed forces by diverting fund for military projects to construction of a pointless wall anybody can just toss a simple rope ladder over & skip it as merrily as if it wasn't there at all? [Just asking ... while glancing over the few facts available.]

****************************************************

Ivanka Trump has ‘zero concern’ about Mueller probe, plays down pursuit of Trump Tower in Moscow

Sure, why should she? She already has an outside job lined up, doing some vacuuming I hear.

The performance piece ‘Ivanka Vacuuming’ seems to irk the first daughter even more than ‘fake news’

Oh? That wasn't Ivanka then?! And here I was gonna praise her for actually holding down a job & doing some real work for once!

****************************************************

Trump says he wants to end AIDS. His party’s history tells a different story.

Good grief! It's not possible that Trump might be lying, is it?!

****************************************************

T-Mobile executives seeking merger approval booked more than 52 nights at Trump’s hotel

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Dozens of Hamas members hold senior positions in BDS NGOs

And that pretty much says everything there is to be said about the BDS movement.

****************************************************

Obama Photographer Dings Donald Trump With Frosty ‘Presidential Harassment’ Snap

"Did Congress just grab your kitty, Mister Pussydent?" [Well, they can get away with it because they've got subpoena power, you know.]

****************************************************

Do GOP senators have the courage to fight for our democracy?

Do NOT bet your grocery money on it.

Parkland kids took on guns, NRA when ‘politicians were scared to death,’ new book says

****************************************************

Why is Matthew Whitaker panic-stricken about testifying before Congress?

Because he will have to lie about helping Trump subvert the law, or tell the truth about his own illegal activities. ["Can't do the time, don't do the crime."] "I think I'll just take the 5th, Mister Chairman."

****************************************************

Why Girls Beat Boys at School and Lose to Them at the Office

Because in school boys are forced to play by the rules.

****************************************************

Mo’Nique went from Oscar winner to Hollywood pariah. Can she bounce back?

Yes. But please, NOT on a plane. ["Sorry, Ma'am, but no bouncing while the plane's in the air."]

****************************************************

A Trump property earned money from a political committee one out of every two days from 2017 until the midterms

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Grandma Fights Off Attackers In Clown Masks With Child’s Scooter

If there was more than one clown mask-wearing attacker on the child's scooter then that certainly would explain how granny was able to fight them all off. [... the scooter?]

****************************************************

Was everyone terrible 30 years ago?

I lived 30 years ago, and I can verify that back then everyone was indeed terrible.

****************************************************

When Celebrities Fly Coach [The actor Timothée Chalamet is the latest in a line of famous people who have drawn outsize attention for sitting with the rest of us.]

Claims sitting with the little people affords him more elbow room.

****************************************************

Frozen Cat Survives After Being Found Unresponsive In A Snow Bank

My cat is almost always unresponsive--Wonder how they could tell that particular cat was frozen & not just chilling?

****************************************************

Chimps use branch to make ladder, escape Belfast Zoo

Some were later spotted at Trump's Mexican border wall with the branch claiming that they're now coyotes, and no longer chimps.

****************************************************

How Instagram Influencers Are Fueling One Of Our Most Destructive Addictions

"Looking at each other," yes. That's why I make it a point to never see anyone to begin with--Once you start looking at people you can't stop!

****************************************************

This Country Gave People $640 A Month, No Strings Attached. Here’s What Happened.

The country's bookies reported an increase in $640 bets. [Easy come, easy go.]

****************************************************

Stephen King mocked the president with a line from Sun Tzu's "The Art of War."

The "art of war" is that a general can kill as many people as he wishes & never hears a single complaint from them about it afterwards!

****************************************************

New Evidence Emerges Of Possible Wrongdoing By Trump Inaugural Committee

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Pope to visit Moroccan imam school to boost moderate Islam

He'll try to teach them by example that the moderate Islam he practices is tops.

****************************************************

Woman acquitted of blasphemy still can't leave Pakistan

Pakis betting they can squeeze out a blasphemy from her anguished frustration one of these days--And then they've got her!

****************************************************

US ambassador: Arrests of Canadians in China unacceptable

Yes, I too can't fathom why Canadians go to China to be arrested! Myself: I would try to get arrested in Canada--And I'm not even Canadian.

****************************************************

Ivanka: Father ‘Had No Involvement’ In Security Clearances For Her, Kushner

Sez any other two manikins would have gotten White House security clearances just as easily.

Trump Ordered Officials to Give Jared Kushner a Security Clearance

The Fix: The denials from Trump and his daughter now look ridiculous

****************************************************

Cleveland Browns Sign Kareem Hunt After He Assaulted Woman In Hotel--The general manager of the Browns said the organization believes Hunt "deserves a second chance."

It's nice to see the Cleveland Browns doing something for someone without expecting to get anything out of it themselves.

****************************************************

NRC says Howard broke safety rule on possession, storage of radioactive powder

"What?" Sez Howard: "I clearly labeled the bottle: DO NOT EAT."

****************************************************

Trump Trade War Helps Push Farmers To Record Number Of Bankruptcies

What a surprise.

****************************************************

No One Wanted To Buy ‘Hitler Paintings’ At A Controversial Nuremberg Auction

See! This is exactly what drove him to get into politics.

****************************************************

Michelle Obama Made A Surprise Appearance At The Grammys And People Freaked

For a minute there they thought they were gonna have to behave themselves.

****************************************************

Rob Lowe Deletes Tweet Mocking Elizabeth Warren After Backlash

Good. Now everybody'll forget it ever happened.

****************************************************

Fox News host says he hasn’t washed his hands in 10 years because germs are not real

Sez he has never seen a single one with his own eyes in his life.

****************************************************

Trump Lied About Getting Special Permission From El Paso Fire Dept

What a surprise.

Trump Came To El Paso To Lie About It

In his defense: Sweet Trump lies like molasses all the time.

Trump’s 2020 Campaign Kicks Off With A Carnival Of Lies In El Paso

****************************************************

Body-Cam Shows Arizona Police Using Taser On Man 11 Times During Traffic Stop

"We just wanted to see if the Tasers would still be working after just one or two hits, judge."

****************************************************

Many Americans are upset their 2018 refunds shrunk after the GOP tax cuts

Hey! Somebody's gotta pay for that monstrous tax cut the billionaires got. So shut yer yaps.

11 Million Taxpayers Losing $323 Billion In Deductions In Trump Tax Hit

****************************************************

Ilhan Omar Apologizes for Statements Condemned as Anti-Semitic

Sez her friend Taqiyya convinced her apologizing was the way to go.

****************************************************

Trump Says Rep. Ilhan Omar Should Consider Resigning Over Israel Tweets

Sez it's still ok for the pot to call the kettle black.

Omar fires back at Trump, saying he has ‘trafficked in hate’ his entire life

Case of the kettle calling the pot black, I guess.

****************************************************

Seth Meyers schooled Trump on the difference between weather and climate.

Climate is what's unearthing all these politicians' old wrongs. Weather ... it's NOT what any of'em seem to be managing.

****************************************************

A U.S. trophy hunter paid $110,000 to kill a rare mountain goat in Pakistan

What a waste! He could've hunted down all the cockroaches & rats in the world right here in the states for free!

****************************************************

Pentagon leader in Iraq for talks on U.S. military presence

Did not know Iraq had a Pentagon leader. But I'm glad he's for "talk, not war."

****************************************************

Trump Blasts ‘Executive Time’ Report, Claims He Doesn’t Often Use It To Relax

Trump argued back with a bad little rhyme
known to everyone who has done his 'time'
or'll soon 'execute' it: "It's not easy to relax
when every cop that's out there's on yo ass."

****************************************************

Indonesian Police Apologize For Using Snake To Interrogate Suspect

The snake still wants to be paid for all the stupid questions it had to repeat & repeat endlessly to the suspect to see if he cracked under the pressure of fatigue, lack of sleep, or just plain mind melt.

****************************************************

Despite his pre-election hype, Trump’s piling on the debt as president

What a surprise.

Then: Trump Vowed To Wipe Out National Debt. Now: Deficit Soars 42 Percent.

The federal deficit ballooned at start of new fiscal year, driven by GOP tax cuts and higher spending

U.S. trade deficit in goods grew to a record $891.2 billion

Household net worth falls by largest amount since the Great Recession, new Fed data shows

60 Top Corporations Paid $0 Federal Taxes Under Trump Tax Law

****************************************************

Sen. Ted Cruz’s solution to border wall impasse: Make El Chapo pay for it

El Chapo agrees & sez once he's back in Mexico he'll be able to cut Ted a check no sweat. [Or he could pay it all off with as many bricks of cocaine as Trump might need to finish his wall & then some.]

****************************************************

House Democrats Are Taking Real Steps Toward Impeaching Trump

Senate Republicans are taking real steps away from convicting him: It's the Paralyzed Dance at the Hell's Festival of American Politics. ["Mambo!"]

****************************************************

There will be blood in the STC’s gross-out ‘Richard the Third’

That's exactly why I never went to see its modernistic interpretation 'Richard the Turd.'

****************************************************

Why some African Americans are questioning Kamala Harris’s blackness

Yeah. How do we know she's not just well-tanned?

****************************************************

The Fix: ‘Pray that the president will have wisdom’ to sign bill, Grassley says

Ha! You Republicans are a shit-hole party!

****************************************************

A fourth of Americans says God wanted Trump to become president - Fox poll

And they added that God also said He wanted tax cuts to be exclusively only for them--That everybody else's taxes should shoot through the roof.

****************************************************

ISIS child-bride, pregnant with third child, wants to return to London

Sez that way her children can enjoy growing up in freedom before ISIS destroys London

****************************************************

An emergency declaration by Trump will lead to lawsuits. Lots of them.

I'm sorry, but wouldn't the president being impeached be a national emergency? What could not Trump do then?

We have a national emergency, all right. Its name is Donald Trump.

****************************************************

What’s that green stuff growing on the outside of the house?

I believe they were boiling broccoli & it overflowed.

****************************************************

Suspect in fatal shooting in Aurora, Ill., should not have had a gun because of criminal record, police say

And there's the gun-control angst: As long as even one single gun exists, how will you keep it forever out of the hands of some murderer?

****************************************************

Dog Recovering After Being Bound With Tape, Thrown From Car Into Frigid Ditch

Dog sez not to worry: it was just a simple misunderstanding. [Dogs are very forgiving.]

****************************************************

Is the US-Europe relationship broken?

No. Only the Trump-Europe one. And Putin's Trump is only for a while.

Trump’s foreign policy under attack from all sides at European security conference

****************************************************

Elizabeth Warren’s popular plan to tax the rich is probably unconstitutional

Maybe, but as president she could always declare a national emergency and ram it through "Trump's way" too.

****************************************************

President Trump wants to execute drug dealers.

Yes, but, unlike capitalists who understand that the highest profits are made by allowing control of the means of production to be governed by the choices consumers make, Trump is a communist (like his handler Putin) who believes that controlling the means of production is the way to go. Dear Trump: Communism has never worked--because people want what people want, and people always seek to get what they want--And the only way to make sure people seek what's best for them is to change their minds, not force-feed them: Don't kill the drug dealers (you can kill every last one of them & overnight there will arise a new generation of drug suppliers). No. Work on the drug users' habits instead!

****************************************************

Japan’s PM Reportedly Nominated Trump For Nobel Prize At Washington’s Urging

In Trump's defense: Really, is there any other way for Trump to be nominated for the Nobel Prize other than his nominating himself? [And, wouldn't you expect Trump to nominate himself for the Nobel Prize? C'mon!]

****************************************************

Trump echoes Limbaugh with calls for Mueller investigators to be jailed

"... I was visiting my lunatic aunt one day at the asylum and while waiting in the garden Rush Limbaugh came over and started babbling, following me around talking gibberish non-stop as I wound up my lunatic aunt visit--don't worry he's not violent an attendant told me--when, just as I was about to leave (3 hours later!) I had this crazy idea..." [from the best-selling How I Put Rush Limbaugh On The Radio by his original producer]

****************************************************

Andrew McCabe’s latest revelations show how Trump is his own worst enemy

"... Senate Judiciary Chairman Lindsey O. Graham (R-S.C.) issued a statement saying that the CBS interview made it “imperative” that McCabe appear before his committee to answer for “what appears to be, now more than ever, bias against President Trump.” ..."

Looking into the future, one of many possible exchanges between Andrew McCabe & Senator Graham:

McCabe: A cop comes upon a man who just shot someone & arrests him, Senator--Where does it show there was bias on the part of the cop?

Graham: He arrested him right upon his murdering someone. Not after an investigation.

McCabe: That may show bias in your head, Senator, but I saw signs in Trump's words & actions which suggested he was trying to obstruct justice. Why Donald Trump would want to obstruct justice is the crux, as the concerns of an innocent man that he is being investigated ought to be minimal. You may not wish to know (or that it got out) that Donald Trump is a Russian agent, but a lot of American would, Senator Graham. And, I'm sorry, but my job was to find out whether a Russian agent Donald Trump is or isn't--all biases aside.

****************************************************

Sen. Lindsey Graham Says Kentucky Kids Need ‘Secure Border’ More Than A School

Well, some people need to be well educated & others just put away. Lindsey Graham must know those Kentucky kids, I guess.

Graham sums up how stupid the GOP has become

****************************************************

Password managers have a security flaw. But you should still use one.

Nonsense! I've used the same password 'bambalabamba' for the past 20 years & it's never been stolen once.

****************************************************

‘Rarest Penguin On Earth’ Caught On Camera In Antarctica

This particular Penguin owns as much wealth as all the rest of Antarctica's Penguins put together.

****************************************************

What America really needs to do is abolish Congress

Great, somebody else giving Lindsey Graham a run for the job of Emperor Trump's Palace Majordomo.

Lindsey Graham’s shamelessness

****************************************************

“Donald Trump has seemed to have learned all the wrong lessons from the first two years of his presidency.”

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Joe Scarborough Directly Blames Trump For Domestic Terror Threat: All His Fault

Yes. But Trump had a very good reason: To promote himself.

****************************************************

How To Write About Death When You Don’t Know How To Grieve

     Death feels neat
     to those that clip it.
     Death tastes sweet
     to those that sip it.
     Death fits well
     those bound for Hell.

****************************************************

Donald Trump Reportedly Workshopping Nicknames For 2020 Challengers

Predicts he will be 2020's top kid at his Kindergarten.

****************************************************

Donald Trump Has Attacked Russia Probe 1,100 Times, And Defended Putin More Than Anyone

What a surprise.

‘That was my idea’: How Trump claims credit for nearly everything

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Andrew McCabe Thinks ‘It’s Possible’ That Trump Is A Russian Asset

James Clapper: Trump May Be A Russian Asset ‘Whether Witting Or Unwitting’

Is Trump a Russian asset? It's just too mind-boggling to even imagine that a sitting president of the United States is a Russian agent, so I too can't imagine that Donald Trump is one (until I actually see the proof). Personably I think Trump [like most other criminals] is just a slow-witted moron who will pursue to the nth the least possibility that he might score a buck--and without caution about or regards to just how bad it looks to everyone [most especially The Law--forever trying to catch dumb criminals] and what it may cost him. And this is what is most evident in Trump's unbelievably dumb pursuit of a possible Trump Tower in Moscow, even putting aside the fact that Trump evidently well understood that his voters might not quite grasp or appreciate the sheer beauty of his so utterly reckless greed.

Maryland Gov. Hogan: President Trump is ‘his own worst enemy’

Big deal! Every criminal is his own worst enemy. [And what is the one trait all criminals share? Their common Achilles heel: They all think they're way smarter than everyone else--That is what makes them all stupid & fills the jails to way over-capacity.]

There’s yet another Trump administration scandal brewing. And it’s a doozy.

****************************************************

Trump Pitches Golf Course Infomercial From White House, Watchdog Snaps Back - Former federal ethics chief lashes "shameless presidential profiteering."

Guess not everyone's gotten the email yet. ["Trump has no shame."]

****************************************************

Trump’s latest fits of rage are directed at reality itself

Wonder why Trump doesn't just get the moon babies to pay for his pork-barrel wall: The Mexicans aren't going to pay for it, and the Americans certainly don't seem to wanna pay for it, so get the moon babies to pay for it: The moon babies are the ones 'up there' who have all the moola, so they can pay for it.

****************************************************

How many IS foreign fighters are left?

"It depends on what the definition of IS is." --BC

****************************************************

Bernie Sanders runs for president again

This time he will run with a walker.

****************************************************

Microsoft Workers Protest Use Of HoloLens Headsets For War - They say they “refuse to create technology for warfare and oppression.”

Insist that Russia, China, Pakistan & Iran [et al] should be allowed to create theirs without any competition from us.

****************************************************

Tortoise thought to be extinct for 100 years found

It was not extinct. It was just taking a nap.

****************************************************

Why were former members of the U.S. military driving around Haiti heavily armed?

One possible answer being: Because they'd be stupid to drive around Haiti with nothing but their Bermuda shorts?

****************************************************

‘The hangman was too tired to hang me – three times’

Sez the trick is to squish down your head until there's no neck there & then watch the fun as the hangman beats himself silly trying to find one.

****************************************************

These Miami brothers keep selling some of the priciest homes in the world. How do they do it?

Pressure tactics: They keep pointing out to buyers how it's the last chance they'll get to buy before South Florida sinks into the ocean.

****************************************************

Men rescue 'dog' from ice, find wolf

Now dirty minds will wonder what the dog & that wolf were doing that it made the ice break under them.

****************************************************

Trump Undermines Top Trade Adviser as He Pushes for China Deal

What surprise.

****************************************************

Zookeeper Hospitalized After Being Injured By Rhino’s Horn

Spokesman a bit fuzzy about where exactly the horn was when it injured the zookeeper--just kept insisting it was "on the rhino."

****************************************************

China Isn’t Having Enough Babies

Sez their mere billions & billions & billions of babies aren't enough to reach all the way up to the moon, as China apparently now seeks.

****************************************************

Pittsburgh mayor to 'Post': ‘Hate speech leads to hate crime’

One caveat: Hate speech which goes unchallenged probably does lead to hate crimes. So the solution is never censorship, which only drives hate speech into places more & more difficult to find & fight because censored hate speech is unchallenged hate speech (precisely as the creators of censored hate speech always claim). No. The solution is intelligently considered, well thought-out real & true answers to the false questions hate speech raise to try to create with mere words their false realities.

****************************************************

‘Fox & Friends’ Host Compares Ocasio-Cortez To Child Who Needs To Be Quiet

That's nuts: What child needs to be quiet?! No. What every child needs is for somebody to listen--That's why they speak up. [sic.]

****************************************************

House Committee Votes To Subpoena Trump Officials Over Family Separations

In Trump officials' defense: They all adhere to the core Christian principle to 'Do unto other's families what you wouldn't want done to yours.'

****************************************************

Ivanka Trump: Americans Don’t Want Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Job Guarantees

That's true: They'd all prefer to be fired and starve out in the street.

****************************************************

Lil Wayne just got slapped with a lawsuit by his former private chef

Claims he wouldn't finish all his carrots like a good Lil Wayne.

****************************************************

Republicans Sink Further Into Trump’s Cesspool

Why isn't Michael Cohen lying now when he lied before? For the same reason all those who've done time like to think twice or thrice before committing to that next crime, I imagine.

****************************************************

Pence’s New Chief Of Staff Apologizes For Blaming AIDS Crisis On ‘Repugnant’ Gay Sex

So he's now blaming it on 'delectable' gay sex?!

****************************************************

Pentagon says it will delay, but not cancel, other projects to fund Trump’s wall

That is exactly what I keep telling my creditors about my overdue bills: "It's just a simple delay: Live with it." [For the rest of your lives.]

****************************************************

Cohen says he ‘threatened’ Trump’s schools not to release SAT scores, grades

In Trump's defense: Who wants the whole world to know one's a hopelessly dumb ignoramus!

The extensive effort to bury Donald Trump’s grades

****************************************************

Consumer group says Kellogg's cut cereal vitamins in Mexico

In Kellogg's defense: People in Mexico do not live on as poor a diet as those in the United States.

****************************************************

Yes, Michael Cohen’s a liar and a criminal. So how come you believed him?

Because this time around he is saying what everybody knows is true?

Republicans say you can't trust one of the president's former top men.

"But you can trust every last one still working for him." Yes, we know.

“Our [Republican] colleagues are not upset because you lied for the president. Our colleagues are upset because you stopped lying for the president.”

Rep. Jamie Raskin, D-Md. to Michael Cohen.

****************************************************

The GOP performance at the Cohen hearing was a study in moral corruption

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Biographer claims Labour’s Jeremy Corbyn is a Trotskyite who eats beans from the can and wants Brexit to fail

Welcome to the future DisneyWorld Bernie Sanders's Planet!

****************************************************

A devastating and credible ‘Leaving Neverland’ will turn you off Michael Jackson for good

Well, thank God we'll always have Little Richard!

****************************************************

Scott Walker Compares Abortion To Taking A Baby Home And Killing It, Gets Applause

For getting the abortion or for killing the baby?

****************************************************

Ignore Scott Boras’s binder: Bryce Harper isn’t worth $300 million in this market

Heavens! I'm still trying to find ways to increase my own value from the $4.50 that the normal average human body's worth to a fiver at the least.

****************************************************

Bigger is better, so some NFL prospects try to increase their hand size

This is accomplished either by banging them with a mallot or by constantly pumping (which will eventually require the use of Viagra).

****************************************************

What are the biggest threats to humanity?

Greed, a lack of empathy, stupidity, ignorance, and, of course, a scarcity of cockroaches once they're the only thing left to eat on this planet.

****************************************************

‘Something is in those vaccines’: Lawmaker says mandatory measles shots are ‘Communist’

I agree: That's why I only use vaccines with good ole American capitalist things in'em.

****************************************************

Dead Humpback Whale Mysteriously Appears In Amazon Jungle

Those who saw it claim it was wearing a white sheet and cried out that it was cold on the other side! [Should've chosen the blanket instead.]

****************************************************

The Hanoi summit between Kim Jong Un and President Trump, in less than 4 minutes

Hello--hugs, kisses--love your crewcut--ditto your rug--you wanna to this--later maybe--ok, sure--goodbye--so long & don't drop any bombs I wouldn't drop--I won't if you won't--ok--what, no hugs & kisses?

****************************************************

After Trump-Kim talks collapse, each side has a different story

Two psychopathic pathological liars having two different stories about the same incident. What a surprise.

Kim — Not Trump — Was Right About Summit Snag, Says State Department

Trump turned out to be the bigger liar? Should we be surprised?

****************************************************

I smoked weed with my son. We’re closer now.

Sharing the same cell?

****************************************************

This grandma posed for a photo on an iceberg — then had to be rescued when she floated out to sea

"She just got confused & started walking in the wrong direction, that's all," her granddaughter told the cops: "She does that all the time now."

****************************************************

Paul Manafort’s Lawyers: Mueller’s Attempt To ‘Vilify’ Him ‘Is Beyond The Pale’

Yeah! Isn't the prosecuting attorney's job to tell the judge what a great guy the defendant is?

****************************************************

I Spent 4 Weeks Near Death In The ICU. Here’s What I Learned.

1) they won't let the pizza delivery guy in no matter how much you hurt!

****************************************************

Mountain Lion Killed By Colorado Jogger Was Orphaned ‘Kitten,’ Officials Reveal

Say jogger should've known this after it curled up into a little ball as soon as he picked it up by the scruff of its neck.

****************************************************

U.S. needs a national campaign to combat anti-vaxxers, state health official says

U.S. needs a national campaign to combat the ignorance & superstition that parents leading our school boards all over this country work so hard to perpetuate. [The old story of the ancient primitive brutes demanding that the next generation remain ancient primitive brutes too.]

****************************************************

11 Questions To Ask Yourself When Choosing A Baby Name

1) will my boss feel comfortable calling me by a baby name?

****************************************************

Mark Zuckerberg's wealth shrinks by $8.7bn

Great, now he won't be able to buy Kansas.

****************************************************

Trump’s Trade War Cost U.S. More Than $3 Billion A Month, Economists Say

Yes, but in Trump's defense: It didn't cost him a single penny.

****************************************************

Sen. Rand Paul says government should not force people to receive vaccinations

And for the same exact libertarian reasons they also shouldn't stop people from driving drunk either! [Obviously.]

An unvaccinated child contracted tetanus. It took two months and more than $800K to save him.

****************************************************

Trump Would Be 'Disappointed' in Kim if Reports About North Korea Launch Site True

Why doesn't Trump check with the American intelligence community about this: See is he has enough clearance for them to let him know one way or the other.

****************************************************

The Big Race: It’s Time for a Rhyme

Chocolate chips
are good for dips
but horse manure
--I'm not so sure.

****************************************************

University of Miami student used stolen credit-card accounts to pay tuition, cops say

... that it's an absolute mystery to them how this kid could've possibly graduated high school.

****************************************************

Police Launch Probe After Black Man Detained For Picking Up Trash At His Home

In the police's defense: He WAS black.

****************************************************

These People Have Given Up Flying. Here’s Why.

1) what happened to R. Kelly [He don't believe he can fly no more.]

****************************************************

The British woman who fought for India's freedom

Sez she did it just so she could bandy her breasts about while running around waving the battle banners.

****************************************************

Lawyers ask ICC to prosecute Syria's Assad

Assad only asks that the trial be held in Syria.

****************************************************

Customs Officer Shoots His Hand in Vegas Airport Locker Area

Sez he didn't shoot it out in the middle of the airport because it might've accidentally hit somebody.

****************************************************

Anderson Cooper Rips Ivanka Trump: ‘What Does She Actually Do?’ - The CNN host jabbed at Ivanka after a report that the president pressured officials to grant her security clearance.

Hey! Trump likes to bounce her on his knees: Why wouldn't you need security clearance for that?

****************************************************

Democratic Probe Of Trump’s Role In Keeping FBI HQ Across From His Hotel Deepens

The good news for Trump is that even after all the probes into his many illegal activities they still haven't even gotten to half of'em: Ha! Ha! Ha! "Da-ddy, Da-ddy, stop laughing--You're gonna give yourself a heart attack!" [from the best-selling Ivanka's White House Job] There's no doubt Trump is a crook. But it would be interesting to know just how big a crook Trump really is.

****************************************************

Geraldo Goes Off Script: Defends AOC, Shreds ‘Bogus’ Fox News Coverage Of Her

Relax, Rivera: You're old enough to be her grandfather!

****************************************************

The Fish On Your Plate May Not Be What You Ordered

I ordered a hamburger, not the cowfish.

****************************************************

As trade deficit explodes, Trump finds he can’t escape the laws of economics

1st Law of Economics: If you're stupid & incompetent STAY AWAY from Economics!

****************************************************

Women Living With R. Kelly: ‘Absolutely’ in Love With Him

You know: Same as with every lickspittle working fer Trump. [sic.]

****************************************************

Why bona fide crimes may not be enough to impeach Trump

1) Too many Trump crime family associates in the Senate

****************************************************

Ilhan Omar supports the boycott, divestment and sanctions movement targeting Israel, and says she "chuckles" at the notion it can exist as both a Jewish and democratic state.

I'm not Jewish, but I support the ideal of Israel as both a Jewish and a democratic country for the simple reason that if it were not Jewish there would be no safe harbor forever in this world for a people who have always been persecuted the world over.

****************************************************

The scar that reminds me how fatherhood made me a better person

Wow. My scar only reminds me vaguely of the creek back of my house.

****************************************************

I never meant to be a birder. But the birds didn’t give me any choice.

Tippi Hedren is still alive & now a journalist?

****************************************************

‘This is a sham’: Why did 23 Republicans vote against condemning hatred and bigotry?

"We're Republicans. It's what we do."

****************************************************

BAFFLING: Judge Says Paul Manafort Led An ‘Otherwise Blameless Life’

In the judge's defense: There are just so many ways a judge can put in for a promotion.

****************************************************

Nancy Pelosi Says Rep. Ilhan Omar’s Comment Was ‘Not Meant In Anti-Semitic Way’

Nor is "Hooray For Hitler!" in the least NAZI either.

****************************************************

Chimpanzee Groups Have Unique Cultures, But People Could Be Destroying Them

Nobody wants the chimpanzees next door to be more cultured than we are. Their laughter can be horrifically mocking.

****************************************************

Why the public may never see the Mueller report

1) because the foxsident is in charge of the hen house

****************************************************

Doctor tells man he's dying via video robot

"It sounded better coming from the robot," the doc said. And, to make up for any hurt feelings, he presented his bill in person.

****************************************************

Why I Chose To Get A Tattoo Instead Of A Face-Lift For My 80th Birthday

1) doctors couldn't find my face but the tattoo artist was able to pull up plenty of loose skin off the floor on which to doodle

****************************************************

Trump is turning U.S. foreign policy into a protection racket

In Trump's defense: That's what John Gotti would've done had he made president before going to jail like Trump.

****************************************************

Jaguar Attacks Woman After She Crosses Barrier For Selfie, Zoo Says

What a tragedy! Think what great shots she'd have gotten if she've only given the camera to somebody else before trying to cheek-to-cheek the jaguar!

****************************************************

Man Escapes Whale’s Mouth After Being Swept Inside While Snorkeling

Sez Jonah says hello.

****************************************************

I signed over my house to my daughter. How do I reverse that?

Go back in time and treat her better this time.

****************************************************

Ocasio-Cortez asks Wells Fargo CEO why the bank finances the ‘caging of children’

"Children, chickens," sez the CEO, "if there's money in it we will finance it."

****************************************************

The White House is in such a hurry to get to the moon that NASA is considering sidelining its major rocket to make it happen

Trump claims he could get up there with just hooks & ladders right now.

****************************************************

Paul Manafort’s sentencing, a mystery man and a cryptic sign that reads: ‘This is a sign!’

Man sez he wanted to make sure that, in this age of the anti-truth Trump, no one questioned he at least is promoting the truth.

****************************************************

Court: Flipping the bird to cop is free speech

"However," the judge added: "The bird can always sue if it feels it was hurt by the gesture."

****************************************************

Trump allies and advisers have racked up more than two-and-a-half presidential terms in prison time

Yeah, but how does that compare to what Al Capone's & John Gotti's 'allies and advisers' racked up in prison compared to the capi-di-tutti-capi terms of their bosses?

****************************************************

Plane Bound For Malaysia Turns Around After Mom Leaves Baby At Airport

"I don't know what happened," Mom told the cops: "I'm pretty sure I gave the baby her ticket!"

****************************************************

Schiff: Trump’s Top Reason For Wanting A Second Term Might Be To Avoid Prison

In Trump's defense: That's the reason he ran for president in the first place. [Every criminal knows his crimes... even from the beginning.]

****************************************************

Devastating film reveals ‘Baby Shark’ writers as morally unimpeachable

Now the big shark over at the White House is looking to have those writers work for him.

****************************************************

What To Write On Your Résumé If You Didn’t Finish School

"I'd love to tell you what happened next but there's no more room in the form."

****************************************************

Lori Loughlin’s Daughter In USC Video: ‘I Don’t Really Care About School’

Well, at least we know now why her mom had to pay such a large bribe to try to get her into college.

****************************************************

Republicans Laugh Off Concerns About Corporations Putting Money In Trump’s Pocket

Look, Lindsey Graham makes no bones about it himself, so why should the rest of the Republicans object to being known as a party of crass opportunists?

****************************************************

A woman claimed her $1.5 billion Mega Millions jackpot — and her identity may be a secret forever

Maybe not for ever--the old woman next-door has been buying a lot of shoes lately.

****************************************************

The U.S. Has A Dire Shortage Of Affordable Homes, And Trump Would Make It Worse

In Trump's defense: He's in the real estate business, and not a home buyer.

****************************************************

What a spike in toilet paper sales says about Brexit

It's a crap shoot.

****************************************************

Kamala Harris Says It’s ‘Outrageous’ That Mike Pence Won’t Meet Alone With Women -- The vice president once said he limits one-on-one meetings with women who are not his wife.

Trump looking into whether Pence might be a closet Muslim.

****************************************************

TRUMP DISMISSES WHITE NATIONALISM AS ‘SMALL GROUP’ -- Donald Trump: ‘I Don’t Really’ See A Rise In White Nationalism

Sez that as far back as he can remember people around him have been way more racist.

****************************************************

They allegedly paid bribes to get their kids into elite colleges — and then took tax breaks

In their defense: Putting their kids in college WAS a total loss.

****************************************************

You have to work to find them, but Swiss wines are well worth the chase

Hint: Look inside your cuckoo clock.

****************************************************

Other presidents had a brain trust. But the intellectuals backing this White House are a bust.

Other presidents had a brain. This one only has eyeballs on any passing bust.

****************************************************

Cesar Sayoc, who is suspected of mailing bombs to Trump’s critics, expected to plead guilty

What an idiot! If he'd only waited a while longer all the judges would have been in the Trump Mafia's pocket & then he would've gotten an apology instead of a conviction.

****************************************************

Bernie Sanders gets seven stitches on his head, maintains campaign schedule

God, is Bernie Sanders cracking up again?

****************************************************

Senator Who Blamed Muslims For New Zealand Shootings Strikes Teen After Egging

"Go ahead, strike me! I dares ya. Ahhh... you're chicken!" [Whomp!] "Ok. Guess you're not."

****************************************************

For some worms, decapitation isn’t the end — they just grow a new head

Yeah, I know what you're thinking--Enter Kathy Griffin: If we could find a way to do that to people maybe the next head Trump grows might make an honest decent human being. [Sorry. No: Not this worm.]

****************************************************

For third year in a row, Trump’s budget plan eliminates arts, public TV and library funding

But, on the other hand, it helps out those poor billionaires who might be going over a financial bump.

****************************************************

Why Trump attacked a local union leader in Ohio

He was the only person left in the room with him?

****************************************************

Pete Buttigieg Pens Message Of Love For Muslims: ‘Would Be Poorer Without You’

P.S. "I would move to one of your peachy Islamic countries I love so much, except, you know, being gay... I'd probably have to spend the rest of my life there in prison or get a bullet through my head. Otherwise, I wish to tell you not only that you are loved but also that you are needed."

Brunei’s Criminal Laws Now Include Stoning For Gay Sex And Amputation For Theft

****************************************************

Trump: I Was ‘Never A Fan Of John McCain And Never Will Be’

Will somebody please tell this moron that John McCain was not a reality TV star! [Trump is the anti-John McCain, and he knows it: Being a dissolute many-times draft dodger, Trump is a stupendous coward who knows he could never have the stupendous courage it took John McCain to serve his country even at the risk of being captured by the enemy. And it's just eating him up.]

****************************************************

David Letterman Reveals The One Question He’d Now Ask Trump

"Is the job of White House Spokesman still available?"

****************************************************

John Hickenlooper Reveals Why He Once Took His Mom To See An X-Rated Movie

For the same reason other (less perverted) kids show their mothers a dead centipede?

****************************************************

Fox News’ Brian Kilmeade On Trump’s McCain Attacks: ‘Makes Absolutely No Sense’

Welcome to the Trump Tram!

****************************************************

Militant groups are using Christchurch mosque shootings to spread a message of hate

You're talking about Erdogan, aren't you.

****************************************************

Do You Have Too Much Debt? Use This Simple Formula To Find Out.

Look out the window & see how many debt collectors are trying to break down your door.

****************************************************

Kentucky Gov Exposes His 9 Kids To Chickenpox Instead Of Vaccinating Them

"Hey, a few of'em die it's their bad," said the governor: "What part of 9 don't you get?"

****************************************************

Holocaust denier picked as congressional candidate in Spain

How can anybody deny the Holocaust? Denying the Holocaust is like denying there are clouds in the sky, for Heaven's Sakes!

Palestinian-Jordanian professor called Holocaust 'an illusion'

****************************************************

Donny and Marie Osmond Announce End of Las Vegas Residency

Say they've decided to stay married no matter what anybody sez.

****************************************************

The Simple Key To Wasting Less And Saving More

Incarceration. Works like a charm.

****************************************************

Death Penalty Opponents Are Gaining Unlikely Allies: Republicans

Apparently a lot of the stuff they & Trump've been up to merits a death sentence.

****************************************************

Uri Geller: I'll use my powers to stop Brexit

His powers include talking a lot. So. sure, it's possible.

****************************************************

Michael Avenatti Arrested, Charged With Trying To Extort $20M From NIKE

In Avenatti's defense: He needed the money.

****************************************************

Barbra Streisand Blasted After Saying Michael Jackson Accusers Weren’t ‘Killed’

I'm sure she had to have also included the Holocaust survivors in her exculpatory remarks, no? And, why not?

Why Barbra Streisand’s Michael Jackson comments were so alarming

She may apologize as hard as Roseanne Barr all she likes, but suggesting that children can consent to sexual abuse is beyond inhumanity. In all probability old age has withered Barbra Streisand’s humanity.

****************************************************

IS loses all territory but its shadowy leader still at large

Well, I went to eat at an 'Italian' restaurant last night... and my waiter looked a little bit like him. [His Italian accent was atrocious.]

****************************************************

Boeing is in crisis. What does it need to tell shareholders?

"Sell!"

****************************************************

Indonesia says arrested Russian smuggled orangutan, lizards

Arrested Russian sez he was trying to smuggle gold & drugs and must've gotten his bags mixed up with somebody else's: "I am totally innocent!"

****************************************************

Trump hints at payback for 'evil' enemies

These include anyone who thinks people should tell the truth, pay their taxes, not steal or cheat others, never run over the helpless or the infirm, corrupt not the ethics or the morals of our public officials, or claim that men's base earthly pronouncements are the immortal words of God: "All such vermin must hang!"

****************************************************

DeVos defends cuts in education, Special Olympics funding to skeptical House Democrats

"Trump needs the cash for a boondoggle on which to pin another Trump plaque." [All the other Trump plaques are being ripped down!]

****************************************************

Mexico demands apology from Spain and the Vatican over conquest

Spain sez it's sorry & will soon send the Spanish Army to Mexico to bring back to Spain all persons there had any Spanish ancestors. [The Vatican has already been recalling most of its priests, beginning with the pedos.]

****************************************************

Kellyanne Conway Says Adam Schiff ‘Ought To Resign Today’ For Lying About Trump

Trump, not so much. Although much, much, much, much...

****************************************************

Trump faces question of whether to pardon aides caught up in probe

Is there any question in anyone's mind that Trump would not have pardoned his children had they been charged in federal crimes? Then the question of double jeopardy would have clouded state charges. Now there will be no obstacle whatever to states bringing charges against Trump and his entire crime family--charges which Trump (or Pence) will be unable to subvert. Mueller did the job right by not charging the most guilty.

****************************************************

There is a way forward out of the current seemingly unending & unendable cycle of violence in the Middle East, and you can read about it here:

Daniel Pipes and the Israel Victory Project

****************************************************

Dutch art sleuth recovers Picasso stolen 20 years ago

"Seriously, nobody said anything because we all thought that some kid had spray-painted it there."

****************************************************

The NRA Comes Out Against The Violence Against Women Act

Sez violence against women sells guns.

****************************************************

FAA defends its reliance on aircraft makers to certify jets

"Otherwise we'd have to do it."

****************************************************

Pope allows ring-kissing after pulling hand away at event

Sez it's just some people that look like those who've kissed his ring just before he 'lost' some seven of'em now.

****************************************************

World's heaviest T. rex unearthed

Apparently it was so heavy it had sunk right into the ground.

****************************************************

A year later, no one in the NFL is talking about player protests or Colin Kaepernick

Well, I am: I'm pretty sure I saw Colin Kaepernick moon-walking some NIKE shoes over at the park the other day. [Said he was going 'back to the USA']

****************************************************

‘This is not Mexico’: Texas official criticizes county judge for speaking Spanish

Jesus! I better stop speaking English here! I sure wouldn't want anybody telling me 'This is not England.' [I already know it isn't.]

****************************************************

Trump pressures wary Republicans to produce replacement for health-care law

"We did," Republicans reply "It's called The Tho'Em Out'N The Street Act."

Republicans Want The White House To Take The Lead On Obamacare Repeal

Trump sez that's what he's doing by blaming them.

There’s No GOP Obamacare Replacement, Never Has Been And May Never Be

Yeah, but all the GOP needs is for the suckers to buy The Big There Is for a few more elections.

****************************************************

The Post’s View: Trump’s new attempt to undo Obamacare is senseless

Trump is senseless. So expect everything he does to be senseless until he's safely in jail & can't do anything else.

****************************************************

Jussie Smollett case prompts criticism from prosecutors and Trump amid questions about dropped charges

Jussie Smollett still claims there was no collusion with Russia. And Trump is still claiming that he was beaten up by a couple of white supremists. No, wait...

****************************************************

12 Things You Need To Know Before Dyeing Your Hair Candy Colored

1) more flies will land on your head

****************************************************

The Mueller Report Is Hundreds Of Pages Long

Mueller wrote it that way knowing it would take Trump the rest of his life to read it, so Trump wouldn't. [Took him about an hour just to read the summary of Barr's summary: "You're good to go."]

****************************************************

Nicolas Cage Seeks Annulment 4 Days After Marrying Girlfriend Erika Koike

That sounds about right.

****************************************************

Pope explains reluctant ring kiss: Fear of spreading germs

Wait a minute, the Pope now thinks germs are real?! Has Galileo been told about this?

****************************************************

Huawei says 2018 sales top $100B despite US pressure

100 Trump billions or 100 real billions?

****************************************************

I have a Wow Air ticket. What happens now?

You sprinkle a pinch of salt on it & choose a nice cabernet sauvignon to go with it.

****************************************************

Erdogan says he plans to change Hagia Sophia's title from museum to mosque

Sez he wants to emphasize Islam's desecration of Christianity.

****************************************************

Whoopi Goldberg Defends Joe Biden, Doesn’t Want Him To Change His Ways

Sez she herself goes around grabbing & kissing women all the time too. No sweat.

****************************************************

Why Trump’s intervention in Venezuela has stalled

Because Trump is all mouth & no action?

****************************************************

Salmonella cases linked to hedgehogs expands to Virginia and other states, CDC warns

Great, there go those hedgehog sandwiches which I love so much!

****************************************************

‘Why is he picking this fight now?’: Trump’s attacks on Puerto Rico could backfire in 2020 Florida campaign

Another fool wondering why the little boy threw his toy against the wall? [Hey! It's a little boy: It's what they do.]

****************************************************

Trump mocks Biden over allegations of inappropriate touching

The sooty sooty pot calling another kettle black, I see.

****************************************************

Tucker Carlson Rants About ‘Moron’ Ocasio-Cortez, Then Agrees With Her

"Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you." [What? They're ripping off Annie Get Your Gun now?]

****************************************************

Trump Says The Census Is Pointless Without A Citizenship Question. That’s A Lie.

What! Trump lie?! Impossible! [In Trump's defense: You can't blame a fish for drinking water.]

****************************************************

Who should get to adopt Native American children?

I say give the parents first crack at it.

****************************************************

Why are Republicans afraid of the full Mueller report?

Answer: There might be pictures of a few of'em in there wearing blackface.

****************************************************

Biden pledges to respect 'personal space'

"What a perv!" Said Trump: "What women want is for you to GRAB their assets, not kiss'em on the top of the head like you're the damn Pope or some'm!"

****************************************************

Republicans Blow Up Senate Rules To Confirm More Trump Judges

Democrats, rejoice! Now you can confirm your judges more easily after a handful of Republicans are booted out.

****************************************************

On Tuesday, Trump claimed wind turbines cause cancer. Today, 19 senators urged more federal funding for them.

If they can't impeach him maybe they can get rid of him by blowing enough air on his toupee to give him cancer. [Get rid of him that way.]

****************************************************

Mitch McConnell undid 213 years of Senate history in 33 minutes

Oh well, it was a nice United States of America while it lasted. [Nothing's forever.]

****************************************************

A simple explanation for Trump’s strange behavior

He's a cretin.

****************************************************

Limited information Barr has shared about Russia investigation frustrated some on Mueller’s team

It will all come out. It always does.

****************************************************

Dog owners are much happier than cat owners, survey finds

Of course: Dog owners can have sex with their dogs. You try screwing a cat.

****************************************************

Trump’s next possible Fed nominee can’t grasp basic policy issues

Yes, but he makes a great pizza. [Trump gets that.]

****************************************************

An evicted man abandoned his ailing fish, police say. He was charged with animal cruelty.

"Okay, maybe I should've eaten it before leaving. But it smelled funny."

Accused Fish Abuser Has Charges Dropped Since Law Doesn’t Define Fish As Animals

Does that mean that in North Carolina one can plant fish in the yard & grow bushes & bushes of'em?

****************************************************

White House maneuvers to block release of Trump’s tax returns

They got you, dude. Give it up. Yeah, you can shoot it out with the cops & go in a blaze of glory but your best bet is still to come out of the [White] House with your hands in the air & lawyer up.

****************************************************

Michael Cohen Asks Congress To Help Keep Him Out Of Jail

Sez jails are now full of Trump associates, and will soon be teeming with'em, so he might get hurt in there.

****************************************************

The butterflies that could stop Trump’s wall

These are really macho butterflies, a lot meaner & tougher than the buttercups & snowflakes that tried stopping Trump before.

****************************************************

Ancient four-legged whale fossil found

It's believed the ocean at that time was considerably shallower, so whales had to walk out farther before they could start swimming.

****************************************************

Farrakhan: I represent the Jesus that saves

The Antichrist, sure. [Although I wouldn't go betting that even the Antichrist can save Farrakhan.]

****************************************************

Coming soon: If you’re not sober, you won’t be able to start the car

"Hey, buddy, five bucks to start my car." ["Sir, I'm only seven."] "You want the five bucks or not?"

****************************************************

Trump: Congress needs to ‘get rid of the whole asylum system’

"Anything to be mean," said Trump. And he's thinking of making it the motto for his reelection campaign. [Sez it will resonate with his voters.]

****************************************************

A $1.5 million project is a year closer to determining where cats live in D.C.

Probably would have been a lot cheaper to just listen for the sound of a saxophone & follow it.

****************************************************

Oman FM: Palestinians must reassure Israel it's not in peril

Which is not gonna be easy given that Arab root intransigence stems from Islamic demands against any living Jews (anywhere).

****************************************************

Ex-Mexican President Fox says gunmen tried to storm his home

Sez the wind & rain were bearable, but the lightning & thunder were a fright.

****************************************************

High-risk lending caused the Great Recession. Could it happen again?

Who cares? The Trump family businesses need cash now.

****************************************************

Woman faces Dubai jail over horse insult

I believe under Sharia law only a man (or a chorus of 4 women) is allowed to insult a horse.

****************************************************

Russia puppet rumors plague German far right

Neo-Nazis now thinking of switching over to old British Punch & Judy shows.

****************************************************

How big should a clam get? Maine eyes new harvest rules

Well, I once saw a movie in which a diver's foot was caught in a clam. Although why he would stick his foot in a giant clam is another story (and they never made that movie prequel).

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Facebook Wants a Faux Regulator for Internet Speech. It Won’t Happen.

Yep, it's that darn First Amendment thingy.

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In possible first, Cuba allows march by animal activists

The only animal activists forbidden to march were the tortoises, because it was taking too long.

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Trump lawyer calls on Treasury to reject Democrats’ demand for tax returns until Justice Dept. weighs in

"A 1924 law cited by Neal states that the treasury secretary 'shall furnish ... any return or return information specified' in a request from the head of the House or Senate tax-writing committees." BUT the letter from Trump's lawyer asks that "the IRS should wait for a 'formal legal opinion' from the Justice Department’s Office of Legal Counsel before divulging the returns."

I'm sorry, but if the LAW is specific, why in Hell would the IRS have to wait for anybody's opinion as to whether to follow the LAW or not?!

The Constitution is very specific: The President job is to execute the laws passed by Congress. So if the President refuses to execute THE LAW, why wouldn't that be the best reason of all to remove him from office.

“They’ll be in court for two or three years on those taxes.” Giuliani said in an interview.

That's fine then: If the court fight takes two years, that means the tax returns proving Trump cheated on his taxes & was bought by foreign governments would come out just as he leaves office and becomes eligible to do his well-deserved stretch in the slammer.

Subpoena Isn’t the Only Way to Get the Mueller Report

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Albeit: "Three South Florida congresswomen were denied entry to the Homestead child detention center despite a new law mandating congressional access there."

Trump blocks three Florida congresswomen from visiting Homestead child detention center

So it doesn't look like Trump has any interest in his constitutional duty to faithfully execute THE LAW. Congress: Are you paying attention?

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In spite of all his money, Trump is just a cheap hood whose principal enemy is & has always been The Law, as it is of every other cheap hood in the world. That is why he constantly rails against it at every turn, and is forever trying to demean, belittle & impugn judges and to undermine our entire criminal/legal system of justice.

Mnuchin reveals White House lawyers consulted Treasury on Trump tax returns, despite law meant to limit political involvement

Jake Tapper: Trump Coached Border Agents To Turn Away All Immigrants — And Lie To Judges

Trump is trashing the rule of law to stay in power

Lawlessness and chaos go hand in hand

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Iran lawmakers convene, chant 'Death to America'

Apparently they couldn't remember the words to 'Puff The Magic Dragon.'

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Erdogan’s party calls for new election in Istanbul after losing mayor’s race

Then Erdogan vowed to call for a new election until he won one.

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Who Is Left to Say No to Trump?

The Democrats in Congress. Which is not necessarily a great sign of hope for this country:

The full Mueller report could be released — if the House opens preliminary impeachment hearings

You know you're in trouble when the cavalry coming to save you is on donkeys.

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This Is Why You Get More Anxious After Something Good Happens

Because things can only go down from there?

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‘Your Response to an Online Ad for Prostitution Has Been Logged’

Good, now: When do I get the ho?

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Trump denies he’s planning to resume family-separation policy

That right there is about as certain a confirmation as Trump can make that he is indeed intending to resume family-separations.

Trump administration considers revised version of family separation tactic

Damn, that was quick!

I ask you: Who doesn't know by now that Trump's modus operandi is to hire gung-ho lackeys who will willingly implement his policies of cruelty and whom he can then blame [and fire like Kirstjen Nielsen & all the others] for carrying out his policies of cruelty after the whole world cries out in shock & horror at them! [And yet there are still people out there willing to accept such employment! This world is more twisted than it looks!]

Steve Mnuchin Gets A Little Feisty About Trump’s Taxes

Mulvaney’s tax return stonewall is either misinformed — or sinister

End the charade. Appoint Stephen Miller to run DHS.

The problem with Trump’s ‘help wanted’ administration

The Trump administration is riddled with holes — and the president couldn’t care less

Trump hires only the worst people

Instead of hiring & firing so many temps what Trump should do is cut the pretense & simply ask his job seekers right out: "Would you be willing to break the law for the greater glory of Donald Trump? Yes, or no?" [Since that's the people he's really after.] And then hire only avowed law-breakers like himself. But, no, Trump sees himself as a sort of Marlon Brando mobster, and likes to think that his 'hints' are enough for his underlings to understand the laws he wants broken. [That way he never has to admit it was he who ordered them to break the law.]

No sooner said than done:

Trump Said He Would Pardon Border Official If He Broke Law By Denying Migrants: CNN

That was quick! Trump is now shamelessly the Mob Boss of America. [I wonder if the Republicans will bestow him that title as a GOP honorific?]

The mob-boss presidency

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Uber Driver Burglarized Home After Dropping Customers Off At Airport, Police Say

Ya gotta admit: It was a foolproof scheme. Too bad crooks don't seem to understand that the reason they steal from honest people is not just only that honest people are the ones who have the money but that it's just easier to make an honest buck than to come by a dishonest one: What did all the robbed homes have in common? All their owners were dropped off at the airport by this same Uber driver. ["Never thought of that," said Trump The Fool.] That's why all these foolish criminals who think they're smarter than the cops always end up the river, Mister Trump.

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Pompeo: Trump will increase pressure on Iran, no news on sanction waivers

I've suspected for a while that Trump's idea is to start a war with Iran in order to stave off impeachment or indictments. So far it looks like that's his strategy. So, let's see how many American lives it costs to keep Trump from his day in court.

Pompeo Is Warned Against Sidestepping Congress for Conflict With Iran

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John Legend Burns GOP Lawmaker: ‘Bro. Please Tell Me You’re Not This Dumb’

"Of course not, bro." The GOPeer claims: "I'm just playing to my base."

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Trump, who once said he ‘loved’ WikiLeaks, claims to know nothing about the group.

What a surprise.

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The mystery of Julian Assange’s cat: Where will it go? What does it know?

"I'm no rat," said the Cat.

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‘She’s very good with numbers’: Trump says he considered his daughter Ivanka to lead the World Bank

Sez she already knows her multiplication tables & everything!

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Trump's Golan move causes concern in Lebanon for land owners

"The American president has no right to give Israel lands that belong to Syria and Lebanon, he says."

The American President didn't give Israel your land, sir, you did. [Or, specifically, your government did when it started a war against Israel.] You decided to try to take all of Israel's land, you lost, and Israel took your land instead. So, if you thought it just to try to take Israel's land, why don't you think it just as just now that they took yours? It was not Israel's choice to venture the bet you lost--it was yours. Now you want the gamble re-run because you lost?! No. What the American president has said simply is "winners keepers, losers weepers." Live with it.

"Who gave you the right to give a land that belongs to me or to Palestine or to Syria to an enemy that is occupying it?" Khalifeh asked.

Your government did, Khalifeh: So, go ask your government to pay for your loses: The Syrian government is the sole guilty party here.

If I were Israel in the next war I would not only keep any territories Israel gained but cast out all non-Israeli citizens to Lebanon, Syria, or whatever country started the gamble of war and lost.

With the many bloody wars the Palestinians have started against Israel it is a wonder of wonders to me that there are still any Palestinians at all living in the Biblical lands of the Jews. They are one lucky bunch of bastards.

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Man sets his jacket on fire outside the White House, authorities say

Did he buy it at the Trump Outlet? Because my neighbor bought his there & he also had to set it on fire.

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How do I introduce my married boyfriend to my parents?

"Mother, Father: Today I am a whore."

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Some people are uncomfortable with touchers like Biden. Should they set the rules?

Of course not! They should just stand there silently & be groaped up & down like a faithful naked dog.

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TRIVAGO GUY’ ARRESTED ... He Was Charged With Drunk Driving

Cops say he was driving along just a might too happy.

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Carolyn Hax: The life-driven purpose — what on earth am I here for?

Well, if you're pushing a shovel, that's what you're here for. So stop sitt'n around like you're the freaking boss or something!

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Don’t let rising seas drown the Marshall Islands

Fear not! I will canoe there tomorrow morning and command the waves to roll back! "Roll back, I say!"

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Congress is not ‘smart enough’ to examine Trump’s tax returns, Sarah Sanders says

Well, like all criminals, Trump thinks that those who obey the law are dumb. And he sees Congress right now trying to enforce the rule of law. Ergo. [Or, Bingo!]

Congress is not ‘smart enough’ to examine Trump’s tax returns, Sarah Sanders says

Makes sense: Thieves see thieves all around them. And the stupid see stupid people all around them. [However, I'm sure that as soon as Congress gets a glimpse of his tax returns they'll understand immediately exactly how much Trump & his gang have stolen from their fellow Americans.]

At a recent campaign rally, Mr. Trump said that some asylum claims were a “big fat con job” and that migrants were met at the border by lawyers eager to press those claims.

Now we know why you hire lawyers, Mister Trump.

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Trump moves to resist House inquiries, setting up fight over congressional subpoena powers

House Democrats said Tuesday that they are resolute about issuing subpoenas where necessary and pursuing them to the full extent of the law. -- Rudolph W. Giuliani, one of Trump’s attorneys, said he has urged the president not to cooperate with congressional Democrats’ requests because, he argues, they ultimately want to impeach him. “I wouldn’t cooperate with any of them,” he said. “I’d fight it tooth and nail.”

That's exactly the way it should be: When a suspect is very likely guilty he fights everything tooth and nail; and when he's very likely innocent he normally cooperates with the cops as much as he possibly can.

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In New Effort to Deter Migrants, Barr Withholds Bail to Asylum Seekers

And now you know why Barr advocates that the President is above the law: Like Trump, Barr believes he can carry out all the President's crimes with impunity & intends to do.

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Carolyn Hax: What do you say to the little girl who asks, ‘Don’t I look pretty’?

Tell her that there's no such thing as physical attraction & that marriages should instead be business propositions arranged between the parents (like they used to do in the good old days).

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Trump Vetoes Bill To End U.S. Support For Saudis In Yemen War

Trump lawyers, officials plan to resist subpoenas over his policies and finances

Congress and all law enforcement officials that still remain committed to the rule of law would be well advised that when Trump admires and even envies mass murderers he is not that far from longing to be one himself. Things which seem impossible in this world are sometimes made possible simply by that disbelief alone in those who could otherwise keep them impossible forever.

On Capitol Hill, some Trump officials appear to be testifying for an audience of one

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4 Ways To Tell If There Are Hidden Cameras In Your Airbnb

1) Only Photogenic Guests Allowed sign
2) free lollypop if you walk around in your room naked
3) the heater is stuck on Insufferable
4) We Store Your Junk is a warning, not a service

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Turkish ruling party wants Istanbul election voided, redone

Sez they obviously didn't cheat enough.

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Former Peruvian president Alan Garcia reportedly shoots self before arrest

It never ceases to amaze me how all these high-placed criminals, Trump most of all, can imagine they are immune from the law eventually catching up with their brazen crimes!

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As Notre Dame burned, Trump again tweeted something abnormal

"At least the hunchback got out all right. That's what's important."

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Don’t Trust Barr. Verify His Redactions.

One more creep who, thanks to Trump, has now at last lost any respect decent people might have misplaced on him: [Thanks again, Mister Trump! Please keep unearthing the worms for us!]

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This Library in Anchorage Lends Out Taxidermic Specimens

Mostly to little boys who want to surprise their moms or the little girls they have a crush on. ["Ta-Ra!"]

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The Privacy Project: Do You Know Who’s Watching You?

Wish I did so I could invite them over for some milk & cookies: Poor bastards gotta be bored out of their freaking skulls!

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Democrats say Trump obstructed justice but hesitate on impeachment

Say he's just so darn likeable! "It would be such a shame to impeach a guy that's so nice."

"Next time the religious right talks about morals in politics, please remind them of Trump’s behavior on Good Friday."

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In the city’s Central Cemetery, where Beethoven and Schubert lie, a company is offering music lovers the chance to join them for eternity.

Sorry. I already bought a plot next to Mozart's. Cost me plenty too.

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Trump again jokes about staying on as president for more than two terms

Why not? It's only some law or other sez he can't. And what's that to Trump!

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Emperor performs ritual to report abdication to Shinto gods

Unlike our Western gods (who regularly use email & social media), ever since the Secord World War the Shinto gods know nothing, "Nothing!"

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The town that invented sliced bread

Apparently before they did people used to swallow their loaves of bread whole.

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Trump, seething after Mueller report, trains his ire at ex-counsel McGahn

Screamed: "Who the f*k does McGahn thinks he is trying to keep me from obstructing justice!"

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Democrats Reject William Barr’s Offer To View Some Redacted Sections Of Mueller Report

Hello! O Mister Barr, the government of the people of the United States of America is calling!

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Eighteen Democrats are running for president — so far.

And Trump is running for his life.

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Nasrallah warns of war this summer, worries he could be killed

Infidel! Doesn't he wanna go to Paradise & play dominos with Mohammed no mo, no mo?!

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‘Will You Stay With Me Until I Die?’

Sure. Unless I die first. In which case you on you own.

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Trump Sours On Mueller Report After Initial Upbeat View

The Barr summary ‘exonerated’ Trump, but then the Mueller Report itself 'excoriated' him. [Trump UP on Barr's Cover-Up, DOWN on even Barr's much-redacted Mueller Report: What a surprise.]

Barr tried to exonerate Trump. That’s not how the special counsel rules work.

The Mueller report reads like an impeachment referral

Democratic equivocation over impeachment is a moral and political disaster

Here I must disagree: Had Mueller charged Trump & his lawless gang of associates Trump would have then shamelessly and without hesitation pardoned himself & gang, therefore Mueller was correct in not doing so. And, if the House votes articles of impeachment too soon that will give the Republicans in the Senate a very good change to find Trump innocent on all charges just in time for his reelection. [Who really believes Trump's voters would find that the Senate Republicans acted strictly in a political manner?!] And so the House Democrats are also very much correct in biding their time with impeachment. [Let Trump bite off all his nails.]

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Stalin cut from Russia's Hellboy film

Say that Hell is reserved for a better class of people.

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A bloody Easter puts the spotlight on a new terror threat

A new terror group, or just one more tentacle of the one single world monster? I wonder [not].

‘Why Kill the Innocents?’

God told them to do it:

Q8:60 advises Muslims “to strike terror into (the hearts of) the enemies, of Allah and your enemies, and others besides, whom ye may not know, but whom Allah doth know.”

Islam Is a Religion of Violence, by Ayaan Hirsi Ali

There are no innocents, only Muslims and non-Muslims.

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Analysis: Giuliani says there’s nothing wrong with getting dirt from Russians. The law says there can be.

Of course: "When you can't disprove that your client committed the crime, insist that the crime was perfectly legal." [Lawyer 101, Section 9] And: "If a bank robber walks into a bank & sez to the teller 'Gimme yer honey!' and because of that walks out of the bank with no money then he is absolutely innocent." [Lawyer 101, Section 8]

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No more waivers: The U.S. will try to force Iranian oil exports to zero

Trump needs a war NOW. From TV AD with
Trump on a bus wearing valkyrie horns:

"I've Barr's obstruction settlement but I need war NOW!
Call It: Wellworth-It, 877-WAR-NOW!"

"877-WAR-NOW!" ... "877-WAR-NOW!"

Would Trump start a war to boost his 2020 chances?

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Comedian is elected president of Ukraine, exit poll shows

Comedian in Ukraine, Trump in the US... if Jim Carrey hadn't been born in Canada the Cable Guy would be the perfect candidate to beat Trump in 2020.

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Easter miracle — or microchip? Stolen dog found in Colorado returned to Florida after 2 years

"Ah, shit! Man," said the dog's owner when he got him back: "I forgot to remove Crapper's f**king microchip!"

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Iranian chess champion forfeits match with Israeli in Germany

It was either not play a Jew in Germany or get his balls cut off back home in Iran. He made the right decision.

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Trump Washing Machine Tariffs Put Consumers Through The Wringer - Study Finds Consumers paid $1.5 billion in increased costs for tariffs that put $82 million into the U.S. Treasury.

What a surprise.

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Trump sues in bid to block congressional subpoena of financial records

Ya can obstruct the law & obstruct the law, but eventually the law persists & persists until it wins out.

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Droopy The Attorney General announced late last night that migrants who come to this country seeking asylum may wind up jailed indefinitely while they wait months or even years for their claims to be considered. Droopy The Attorney General’s 11-page decision applies to migrants who have already established “a credible fear of persecution or torture” in their home country.

Certainly: In fact, we should release all our good ole American native-born rapists & murderers to make room in our overcrowded prisons for immigrant families.

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“The White House and Mr. Kline now stand in open defiance of a duly authorized congressional subpoena with no assertion of any privilege of any kind by President Trump,” Cummings said in a statement. “Based on these actions, it appears that the President believes that the Constitution does not apply to his White House, that he may order officials at will to violate their legal obligations, and that he may obstruct attempts by Congress to conduct oversight.”

What a surprise.

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Japanese Spacecraft Hayabusa2 Successfully Drops Explosive Onto Asteroid Ryugu

Asteroid immediately changes course and is now headed straight for the earth!

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Six Trump Interior appointees are being investigated for possible ethical misconduct

What a surprise.

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‘Empire’ Cast Calls For Jussie Smollett’s Return - "He is kind. He is compassionate. He is honest and above all he is filled with integrity."

Same thing Trump's people say about Trump! [Maybe Jussie's people simply cut-&-paste.]

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Behind the Lines: Generals vs Islamists in Libya

Am I the only one who remembers Nostradamus's prophecy that an Islamic general in North Africa with a name something like 'Hister' will unleash Armageddon? And now every nut in the West is promoting General Haftar?!

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U.S. Takes Step Toward Protecting Giraffes Under Endangered Species Act

When are they gonna start protecting us no-neck galoots? That's what I wanna know.

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I Decided To Show The World My ‘Man Boobs.’ Here’s How It Changed My Life.

Now I spend all my time in court fighting charges of public indecency.

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Romney was never Christian enough for some Republicans. Somehow, Trump is.

That's because Trump is a better fit with the evangelical rapists & sexual predators, scammers, thieves & defrauding flim-flam pastors who use ignorance & superstition to suck the suckers' savings & social security checks down to the last penny in order to ride around in blinding luxury & wealth in the name of Jesus.

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Brain Implant Device Allows People With Speech Impairments to Communicate With Their Minds

Now they too can talk to themselves like normal people.

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Really, What Is Sarah Huckabee Sanders’s Job?

Same as every other Trump lackey's ... to do everything they can to warp reality towards maximizing Trump's personal wealth.

President Trump has made more than 10,000 false or misleading claims

On this account, mathematicians are now trying to work out whether Trump's lies are closer to a million or to 4 million since he hit puberty. [Betting is now open.] Sorry, but Trump really does believe that if you repeat a lie often enough it becomes the truth.

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‘It was really scary.’ Florida woman finds an alligator peering into her front window

"Peeping Toms are rare among gators but it takes all kinds,' said the cops who arrested the beast.

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This Canadian Is One Of The World’s Top Ultra-Runners — Literally By Accident

The cops haven't been able to catch him yet.

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‘We still can’t believe what he became’: Anger, grief in the Muslim enclave where massacre suspect lived

"We've never even heard of a single Muslim ever anywhere in the world doing anything remotely like this! Ever!"

In the family: How Sri Lanka terror reveals reality of threat

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Trump isn’t just defying Congress. He’s rejecting the whole idea of oversight.

What a surpirse.

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Spring Cleaning 2019: Eight things to toss

1) Trump & his crime family of thieves & more thieves & thieves

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ACTING DHS CHIEF: FAMILY SEPARATION WAS ‘EFFECTIVE’ - But The Policy Caused Public To Lose Faith In Government, Kevin McAleenan Says

"And cutting off the hands of thieves would also be effective in preventing thievery," said Trump. But he's not going to sign an executive order to start doing that because then he would never be able to sign an executive orders ever again afterwards.

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Bearded Men Have More Bacteria Than Dogs

I believe this is correct: I only have the one dog myself, but I'm thinking I probably have many more bacterias than one.

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No one is too old to be president

Maybe, maybe not. But what I'd really like to know is how Tennessee Tuxedo ended up as vice president to Chumley?! And why some cartoonist or other isn't chronicling the fluky oddball antics of Trump & Pence as "The New Tales of Chumley And His Friend Tennessee Tuxedo" ...?! [And I ask you now: Could there be anybody more perfectly poised to play Phineas J. Whoopee than the semi-unhinged Trump attorney Rudolph W. Giuliani?]

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Restaurant owner 'threw food in guests' faces'

Gratuities optional, of course.

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Asylum seekers leave everything behind. There’s no way they can pay Trump’s fee.

Maybe, but it was between that & making them run a gauntlet of Trump supporters whipping them with sticks & pelting them with bricks & heavy pieces of cement. [It doesn't look as bad on Trump TV.]

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Is Natural Deodorant Actually Necessary? Experts Weigh In. We asked dermatologists whether the aluminum found in traditional antiperspirant is really that bad for us.

No: Luckily Nature designed us so we can take a huge amount of enviromental poisons and not perish that much earlier that our natural expiration age of around 80 years or so.

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Dog Plays Piano And Sings, So Don’t Kibble Over His Talents

His table manners are atrocious, however.

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Jimmy Kimmel Supercut Highlights Telltale Sign That Trump Is Lying

If he opens his mouth & says anything.

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Who dies in ‘Avengers: Endgame’? Here are the four biggest spoilers.

Never mind: As none of them were ever alive, they can be killed at will & then resurrected through the magic of any future anybody who wants to make an additional billion or so off of their resurrection.

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‘Case closed’: McConnell calls for end of probes of Trump

Sez they're coming too close to catching him. [We might have to see just how much money Mitch has on Trump.]

‘Case Closed’ On The Mueller Report? Some Republicans Say Not So Fast.

Let's see McConnell's finger: The old geezer's trying to blot out the Sun with his finger and I'd like to see if it's tremendous enough.

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Jill Biden: ‘It’s Time To Move On’ From Anita Hill Controversy

Mitch McConnell Declares ‘Case Closed’ On Mueller Investigation

If one has the power to do it, it's done. [Otherwise you're just fart'n out yo mouth. So shut up, youse guys!]

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1 In 4 Americans Say Parents Should Get To Decide If Kids Are Vaccinated: Poll

Parents have a perfect right to decide if their kids are vaccinated, and society has just as perfect a right to protect the public from the unvaccinated: If parents don't vaccinate their kids then their kids should be quarantined at home. [That way everybody gets what they want.]

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Barr puts Trump’s actions in best light, despite ‘substantial evidence’ of obstruction cited by Mueller

QUOTE: "Barr suggested that Trump had not actually directed McGahn to seek Mueller’s removal when the president urged him to call Deputy Attorney General Rod J. Rosenstein and tell him the special counsel had conflicts of interest that should prevent him from serving. McGahn told investigators that he recalled the president saying at one point, “Mueller has to go,” and “Call me back when you do it.” But Barr said Trump might have been merely passing along a concern."

Amazing!

“Shoot Mueller in the head,” and “Call me back when you see the bloody corpse bleeding on the ground.” Is that really just a 'concern?!' The hitman certainly knew Trump was serious, and told the cops he didn't wanna do the hit because he knew it was against the law. And Barr somehow doesn't think this was a crime!? when the hitman himself was so sure Trump was serious (and Trump certainly tried many other ways to get 'it' done & asked a whole bunch of other hitmen to 'do it') that he tried to resign & run away so as not to have to go to jail for doing the hit!

But none of this cuts any ice with Droopy The Attorney General, who's Trump's most faithful dog now: Barr's only interested now in protecting the master that bought him--and damn everything else, law, ethics, honesty, democracy, morality, decency, America & the rest of that.

Why Barr Can’t Whitewash the Mueller Report

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Ronald Reagan’s Daughter Blasts GOP Silence On Donald Trump In Blistering Open Letter

If it weren't for the Republicans in the Senate Trump would've been doing some well deserved hard time (& then some) in the slammer a long time ago. That is the shameful legacy of the Trump era Republicans: the disrepute, dishonor and disgrace their children will have to live down as long as they carry their self-poisoned family names.

James Comey: How Trump Co-opts Leaders Like Bill Barr

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I was a meth addict and a thief. Today, I’m being honored by the FBI.

Progress report on Trump's agenda to turn law enforcement into an arm of crime?

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Inside the World’s Only Museum Dedicated to Ventriloquism

I went in there and got slapped three times for saying something I hadn't said!

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Isaac Herzog: It is our duty as the living to fight evil everywhere

Just keep in mind that the preferred weapon of those who are evil is to try to paint those who are good as being the evil ones.

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Human activity has put 1 million species on verge of extinction, U.N. says

No problem. We still have plenty more to feast on. After that we can start in on bugs & insects, pond scum & ocean rot. And, in the end, we can become cannibals. [And I don't imagine we will ever run out of people to eat: In fact, we can never run out of people to eat until there is just one single person alone left on this whole entire planet.]

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Decade in the Red: Trump Tax Figures Show Over $1 Billion in Business Losses

What a surprise.

Trump’s steel tariffs cost U.S. consumers $900,000 for every job created, experts say

A knucklehead who can't make an honest dollar on his own (or even keep the millions his old man left him) is gonna save the American economy. Sure!

A new tariff on Mexican fresh tomatoes starts Tuesday. Get ready for prices to skyrocket.

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Trump: Report his businesses lost more than $1B ‘inaccurate’

Sez Trump: "Who you gonna believe: me or your eyes?" [As he always does.] "You!" Of course, cry his voters. [As they always do.]

Trump: Losses were 'for tax purposes

Can you believe this guy!? [Never.] Trump sez the report of his losses is a total lie but that he meant to do those losses! [Where's Pee-wee Herman when you need him?] Small wonder the Democrats are getting loopy.

From 1985 to 1994, Donald Trump’s financial information shows he had more than $1 billion in business losses, according to The New York Times.

Has anybody in all human history been so inept & stupid as to go into business and instead of making a single dime actually LOST over a billion dollars?!? [You'd think even the dumbest man on earth would cut his losses & retire after losing a couple millions. But apparently, not Trump.]

New York Times Releases 10 Years Of Trump’s Tax Information

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People keep falling into the Grand Canyon. After a visit, I can see why.

It's big.

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Turkish election board orders new vote for Istanbul mayor after ruling party suffers stinging defeat

I believe Turks call the spectacle "The Roadmap for Trump's Defeat"

Two more years? Trump’s retweet sets off a furor over the idea of bonus time.

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In reversal, Trump says Mueller ‘should not testify’ before Congress

What the Mueller report sez is:

1) The crook went into the bank, put the gun up to the head of the teller, and ran away with the money

2) Mueller is not allowed to indict the crook; Mueller is not even allowed to say that the crook should be indicted

What Barr, Trump & the Republicans are saying is that Mueller didn't FIND any reason to indict the crook

That is a monstrously sinister spin of FACT into LIE

Trump would’ve been charged if he weren’t president, more than 450 ex-prosecutors assert

All the cops in the world say Trump should be brought up on charges. And only Barr & the other lackeys working for Trump say he shouldn't. [What a surprise.]

Hundreds of prosecutors: You bet we’d have indicted Trump

How on earth could Trump [and Barr!] think they were going to get away with such an astonishingly obvious coverup like this one?! Something stinks to high Heaven in this country of ours.

Trump Is a Bad Businessman. Is He a Tax Cheat, Too?

Trump just gave the House a very good reason to look at his tax returns

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Experts see Russia fingerprints on North Korea's new missile

Isn't this revealing the stupendous quality of American spy telescopes?

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The 1968 novel that predicted today

Big deal. My calendar also predicted today.

****************************************************

Trump wants to return to the moon. Jeff Bezos is among those vying to help.

If we can get Trump to the moon, I'd also be willing to lend a hand.

****************************************************

Got gonorrhea? It may have come from French kissing, study says.

I got gonorrhea from an Italian. How's that work?

****************************************************

Here’s What It Actually Takes To Change Your Money Habits

More money.

****************************************************

Bolton: US to deploy carrier, bomber task force to send Iran a ‘message’

And the message is:

Trump on a bus wearing valkyrie horns:

"I've Barr's obstruction settlement but I need war NOW!
Call It: Wellworth-It, 877-WAR-NOW!"

"877-WAR-NOW!" ... "877-WAR-NOW!"

Pompeo makes surprise visit to Iraq amid rising tensions with Iran

Get ready for Trump's war without congressional declaration: Surprise! [Indeed: What a surprise.]

The Latest: Rouhani adviser says Trump moving toward war

Now there's an Iranian who can read tea leaves.

****************************************************

We’re heading for constitutional convulsions

Trump asserts executive privilege over full Mueller report

Only one 2020 Democrat fully grasps the threat Trump poses

It’s time to start impeachment hearings. Today.

Yes, with time, I too have changed my mind and am now convinced that Trump should be impeached immediately. It is undoubtedly true that the Senate Republicans will likely acquit him, but at least the impeachment proceedings will create a buzz and bring Trump's criminality before more & more voters, hopefully checkmating Trump's reprehensible & Goebbels-like attacks on the truth.

Trump is an egregious life-long criminal (a self-professed hoodlum even, proud of his utter contempt for the law) who is causing untold damage to the American nation. And the longer he stays in office the more he will cost us all. That's why I am now convinced that the best course of action is to take out the cancer growing on the soul of this country by having the House perform a long-overdue political colonoscopy on Trump's ass as soon as humanly possible: Let the American people decide whether they want democracy or dictatorship, as it is rightfully their choice to make.

To paraphrase Nixon, "people have got to know that their president's a crook."

We seem to be edging toward a constitutional collapse, if not a crisis. President Trump is ordering Cabinet officials and an ex-aide, over whom he has no legal control, not to appear before Congress and not to provide documents, in a blatant effort to thwart Congress’s power of oversight.

Anyone that works for the American people who follows Trump's orders to not obey the law must be held liable for criminal prosecution if THEY engage in obstruction of justice. And it is imperative that every last one of them suffer the full extent of penalties for breaking the law as a preventive against all such future crimes: What member of a Mafia was ever excused because he was only following the Mob Boss's orders?!?

Democrats’ obsession with redaction is obscuring the obvious: Trump committed high crime

****************************************************

Trump’s Already Stonewalling Congress. What Happens When The Courts Cross Him, Too?

I always laughed that you didn't have to be Superman to stand for "truth, justice & the American way" in this country. Well, who would have ever guessed that today's Republicans would be doing everything they can to prove me dead wrong about that!

****************************************************

Endangered kakapo parrot gets brain surgery

Doctors are quite confident it will be able to play the piano again.

****************************************************

Why Do You Grab Your Bag When Running Off a Burning Plane?

Because you have a lot more important stuff in your bag than the lives of all them other jerks in the plane trying to get out behind you.

****************************************************

Trump Seeks New $15 Billion Subsidy To Protect Farmers From His Own Trade War

What a surprise.

****************************************************

I used to think America would age out of racism. What was I thinking?

You were thinking that evolution works in hours or days & weeks: Think again.

****************************************************

Just admit it! You don’t care about other species!

I care about polecats. They're cuddly!

****************************************************

Trump is turning a good idea into a tricky way to hurt the poor

What a surprise.

****************************************************

REPORT: BARR INVESTIGATES THE INVESTIGATORS

And after he finishes that Trump told Barr to investigate for him whether Mars invaded Earth or not during Orson Welles's radio broadcast.

****************************************************

Australian political leaders agree gays don't go to hell

Say they sent a delegation there and found gays are bussed to another facility further west instead.

****************************************************

Toys, phones and sneakers are among the Chinese goods Mr. Trump wants to tax next.

Even with all these things hitting him over the head moron Trump doesn't get that he's taxing Americans and not the Chinese!

HOW TRUMP’S TARIFFS WILL HIT YOUR WALLET: Prepare For Price Hikes On Everything From Food To Clothes To Electronics

Yeah, ya kinda knew sooner or later Trump The Chimp-in-Chief who couldn't make a go of his businesses even with 400 million dollars his father left him would do really well for everybody else's. [So what else is new.]

****************************************************

Mike Pence Tells Grads They’ll Face Discrimination For Being Christian

What he should've told them was the truth--that they might as well go out & burn up the whole planet with all the fossil fuel they want because they'll all be dead soon anyway.

****************************************************

OVERSHADOWED: STEALTH TRUMP PUSH TO GUT SAFETY NET

Obviously good for the GOP because if there are not enough poor people to vote for Trump then Trump will produce more poor people! [from the best-selling Sarcasm 101]

****************************************************

When your metabolism slows, you gain weight. There are ways to counteract that.

1) eat like hummingbirds

2) exercise like hyper hippos

****************************************************

Steep Spanish slide shut after user hurt at high speed

"Basically," the Fun Park spokesman explained: "We only build them steep enough to the point that people start getting killed."

****************************************************

Endangered Tree Kangaroo shows off new baby

"There, I got you the damn baby," it told its mom: "Now will you please stop hounding me about it!"

****************************************************

U.S. official describes Venezuela’s Maduro as paranoid, weak, isolated

Sez he's a Trump-clone if ever he saw one--with a mustache & real hair. [Eerie.]

****************************************************

Family questions how inmate jailed 17 months got pregnant

Prison officials send spokesman to explain to them about the birds & the bees.

****************************************************

Sherpa climber scales Mount Everest for record 23rd time

Sez trying to cure cancer is too difficult, so he spends his time going up & down mountains instead.

****************************************************

Pope gives joyride to migrant kids in Italy

Pope was later pulled over & arrested. The stolen vehicle was eventually returned to its owner.

****************************************************

Analysis: Trump is taxing Americans to support farmers struggling because of his trade war

Sounds about right for a moron who's never made a dollar in his life, or even managed to hold on to the millions his old man left him, sure.

****************************************************

Ferrari worth millions stolen on test drive

"Ok, kid. But don't drive it over 90 and only around the block."

****************************************************

Trapped US farmer cuts off his own leg

Said he had a lot of work to do & didn't have the time to wait around for an ambulance.

****************************************************

San Francisco bans facial recognition in US first

"Frankly," said the Mayor: "Our people, we don't really wanna know who they are." [Next, San Francisco will try to ban it in Ecuador.]

****************************************************

The announcer with a remarkable talent

Is this the guy who swallows the whole mike down to his stomach while he's talking until we can hear his food being digested? Because I hate that.

****************************************************

The puzzle of ancient brain surgery

Was it really brain surgery, or were these Neanderthals merely popping each other on the head with their stone axes to get each others' attention?

****************************************************

Robert Maxwell, Medal of Honor recipient who fell on grenade to save lives, dies at 98

Luckily the granade had a very, very, very, very long fuse.

****************************************************

Steve Mnuchin Can’t Answer Basic Questions About IRS Presidential Audits

But, in his defense: Mnuchin does know which girl is Mary Ann and which girl is Ginger.

****************************************************

What my Palestinian family lost at Israel’s founding — and what it means for me

LOST: The huge cache of bullets we'd piled up to try to kill as many Jews as possible.

MEANS: We must live in poverty while we build it back up so some day soon now we can try to kill as many Jews as possible.

[What goes around comes around, I guess.]

****************************************************

Trump says he knows everything. So why do his decisions look so dumb?

Because obviously the one thing he doesn't know is that his decisions ARE dumb. [The exception proves the rule, you know.]

****************************************************

Does Anyone Actually Want Joe Biden to Be President?

Has anybody asked Joe Biden?

****************************************************

Amid growing concerns over US tensions, the foreign minister insists Iran does not want a conflict.

No country wants a war. Countries fight wars if they have to. So it looks as if Iran & the US are going to fight a war if they have to. The question now is: How soon will the US and Iran fight a war if they have to?

****************************************************

Should men have a say in abortion debate?

You mean aside from the men who now have all the say about it?

****************************************************

Did we really go to the moon

Of course not! I'd remember if I'd ever been to the moon.

****************************************************

‘The Planet’s On F**king Fire!’ Bill Nye, John Oliver Burn GOP On Climate Change

Don't get excited: So simians couldn't evolve into truly intelligent beings. After we've wiped ourselves off the face of the earth I'm sure that in the next 80 million or so years mice, rats, or chipmunks will get their chance to develop into truly intelligent beings. [And I personally have great hopes for rats.]

***************************************************

These are the highest paying entry-level jobs, according to Glassdoor

Buffing Trump's ass & Frenching his ego. [Yes, we know. With or without Senate confirmation.]

****************************************************

Trump’s prized Doral resort is in steep decline, company documents show

The only thing the Trump Brand might sell well these days is a line of Trump Toilets. ["It don't flush!" Were you expecting it to?]

****************************************************

I Bought A $160 Pair Of Pajamas And Have Never Slept Better In My Life

If I had the money to throw away on $160 pajamas I'd sleep better too (than I do now on the $6.75 ones I snatched at that surplus inventory liquidation sale at Moe's).

****************************************************

Conservatism has become a racket, and Trump is the grifter in chief

The government is in the hands of a criminal and the cops of the House of Representatives are twirling their thumbs while the Senate Republicans are ever trying to figure out how to benefit from the White House's crimes all the time claiming they are just innocent bystanders. That, my friends, is a constitutional crisis if ever there was one!

Democrats are badly blowing it against Trump. A brutal new TV ad shows how.

****************************************************

Does Decluttering Really Spark Joy?

Yes. There is nothing more joyful to a hoarder than having more space open up for him to clutter.

****************************************************

California cafe touts its $75 coffee as the world’s priciest

Does not say which particular sexual job it comes with.

****************************************************

What Grade Would You Give Donald Trump?

First! First Grade. And make him repeat it until he finally learns to read.

****************************************************

We’re drifting toward war

Trump on a careening bus wearing valkyrie horns:

"I've Barr's obstruction settlement but I need war NOW!
Call It: Wellworth-It, 877-WAR-NOW!"

"877-WAR-NOW!" ... "877-WAR-NOW!"

Democrats’ obsession with redaction is obscuring the obvious: Trump committed high crime

Trump says ‘I hope not’ about getting into war with Iran

Yeah... Anybody who believes that is a glutton for punishment: Who the Hell doesn't understand by now that Trump always likes to pretend his lackeys are the ones who came up with his vicious ideas so he can then claim the innocence of a new born baby for himself?!? [C'mon!]

‘I get the same intel:’ Iran threat exaggerated by GOP hawks, Rep. Gallego says

****************************************************

‘We will be in Moscow’: The story of Trump’s 30-year quest to expand his brand to Russia

With the cops closing in on Trump & his mob here in the US one has to seriously start considering whether [or when] Trump, Kushner & their entire criminal gang might try to flee to Russia and ask Putin for protection from extradition back here. [Start thinking about it NOW.]

****************************************************

Noseda and the NSO rise to ‘Unexpected’ challenge at Carnegie Hall

A member of the audience suddenly stood up & claimed that he could play Beethoven's Ninth on the mouth trumpet better than the whole NSO Symphony Orchestra put together: He was wrong.

****************************************************

A sloth risks its life every time it poops.

Sound about right: I've stood outside a toilet sweat'n it while some bastard in there was singing the complete score of Parsifal.

Watch the harrowing act for yourself.

Pass!

****************************************************

How to name your dog without offending its canine sensibilities

I named mine after a neighbor I don't like. That way I can spend the whole day AND night screaming out in my backyard: "Eugene! Eugene! Eugene!"

****************************************************

Mnuchin: Draft IRS memo doesn’t undermine rationale to block release of Trump’s tax returns

Nor apparently does the law requiring they be turned over.

Trump has refused to turn over his tax returns but has not invoked executive privilege. Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin has instead denied the returns by arguing there is no legislative purpose for demanding them.

It doesn't matter if Congress wants them just to light up their cigars: The law does not say anything other than "turn them over."

Judge rejects Trump’s request to halt congressional subpoenas for his banking records

It will all come out. It always does.

****************************************************

After shooting himself in the foot, Trump wonders why he’s having trouble walking

This is due to the many times he has shot his brain all to pieces since he was a little bitty baby.

****************************************************

GOP Senator Warns Farmers On ‘Verge Of Financial Collapse’ Over Trade War

Don't worry: Trump'll save'em. He's a regular crackerjack, you know. [from the best-selling They Voted For Him & By Their Own Hands Doth God Punish The Suckers]

Tariff pain is landing hardest on Trump voters.

****************************************************

A farmer saved himself by cutting off his leg with a knife

Claimed his leg was trying to kill him.

****************************************************

Justin Amash dismantles Barr’s and the GOP’s defenses of Trump

Republicans may never forgive Justin Amash. The nation should thank him.

Cohen told lawmakers Trump attorney Jay Sekulow instructed him to falsely claim Moscow project ended in January 2016

Trump stonewalls, and a court slaps him down

U.S. judge denies Trump bid to quash House subpoena for years of financial records

‘He always brings them up’: Trump tries to steer border wall deal to North Dakota firm

We don’t know what Trump’s tax returns are hiding. But the hints are troubling.

Barr’s zealous defense of Trump makes it impossible to trust his legal judgment

The evidence of Trump’s corruption just keeps growing

It will all come out. It always does.

****************************************************

The flaw at the heart of democracy

Voters so stupid they'll pull any level they're told to pull instead of pulling theirs.

****************************************************

Max Boot: Are we becoming too stupid to govern ourselves?

No. The fact that we're electing politicians just as stupid [as are we] proves we know best who should represent us.

****************************************************

Why is Norway the land of electric cars?

Because their food is so bland they can't get any gas there.

****************************************************

Can you skip 47 days of English class and still graduate from high school?

Can you play football?

****************************************************

Trump and Kim Jong Un ‘agree in their assessment’ of Biden, Sarah Sanders says

You're wasting your time, snowflakes: If Trump and Satan agreed in their assessment of Jesus Trump still wouldn't lose that many Evangelical votes over it.

****************************************************

North Korea Reportedly Executes Officials For Failed Trump-Kim Summit

This is why I turned down a very lucrative offer to become Kim Jong Un's cable guy!

****************************************************

MacKenzie Bezos, Worth Over $36 Billion, Vows To Give Half Her Fortune To Charity

Sez she'll need to keep at least $18 Billion in order to live out the rest of her life without fear of ending up on welfare.

"She did not say that! What she said was that she wanted to have enough dollars left so she could survive landing on a pile of'em on a jump she was planning from the top of Mount Everest." [Oh.]

****************************************************

NBA Hall of Famer Scottie Pippen accuses 5-year-old of defacing mansion with crayons

Scottie Pippen sez he expected the 5-year-old to install wooden panels on his walls instead.

****************************************************

I got terribly sick and made a full recovery. Here’s what I learned.

Illnesses come & go, but their med bills are forever.

****************************************************

Top Republican On Origins Of FBI’s Russia Investigation: ‘Could Well Be Treason’

What is certainly treason is Americans standing with Russia against American law enforcement agencies looking into Russian sabotage attempts against their country & trying to conceal those Russian attacks.

****************************************************

For Pelosi, the biggest test to come is the question of impeachment

What goes around comes around: Democrats are now paying for not convicting Clinton when he was tried in the Senate even though all the evidence demanded it.

****************************************************

What Bullets Do To Bodies

What they were designed to do?

****************************************************

Art Historian Says He Has Identified the Earliest Known Michelangelo Drawing

The kiddie scribble of a frog had been misidentified as a late work of the mature Picasso: Painting Of My Mother.

****************************************************

Ortolans, Songbirds Enjoyed as French Delicacy, Are Being Eaten Into Extinction

My God, I'd better fry me up a few before they're all gone!

****************************************************

Did you know that Pharaoh drank beer?

Not only did he drink beer--he also boiled dogs.

****************************************************

Trump’s bombshell decision to escalate trade wars signals a turning point for U.S. policy

It also goes a long way to explaining why this nitwit has never succeeded at any business venture to which he's ever set his hand in his entire life.

And in light of what we know about disgruntled employees like the one involved in the Virginia Beach Shooting, it's certainly fair to ask whether Donald Trump is trying to do as much damage as he can to the country before he's finally thrown in the slammer. [He's certainly reported to be filled with as much rage as people who go on to shoot up their workplace.]

A city worker fired on colleagues as he stalked several floors of the building before dying in a shootout with the police.

****************************************************

What a former Fox News anchor and McDonald’s workers have in common

The same professional background in journalism?

****************************************************

Want your pet to go vegetarian? There are complications — even dangers — to that

I know my dog threatened to bite me just for reading the article.

****************************************************

Trump said Russia was getting out of Venezuela. The Kremlin says that’s not true.

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Figure linked to Trump transition charged with transporting child pornography

Yep. This sounds about right for somebody associated with Donald Trump & his familiars.

****************************************************

Booker proposes capping rent paid by Americans at 30 percent of their income

Yeah! This would be a terrific boon for people who get paid under the table.

****************************************************

Does Trump understand how global warming works?

Guy, let first find out whether Trump understands how his zipper works. [Now taking bets Trump doesn't have the foggiest clue about his zipper.]

****************************************************

PELOSI PUSHBACK: NO NEED TO IMPEACH

The Case For Impeachment:

Dear Speaker Pelosi, the youth of America is without a doubt intently watching all this drama playing out in our body politic. And seeing how Donald Trump and this generation of Republicans are doing everything in their power to teach them that crime pays as long as one is a member of a powerful enough gang. This is poison to the youth of America. And this is poison to American society.

The only antidote is for all the lawbreakers (including their enablers and facilitators, before & after the fact) to be brought to justice and put in jail. Donald Trump's criminality must be brought to the only conclusion possible for criminals. The impressionable youth of America is keeping watch.

Donald Trump and his entire rotten and corrupt slew of family members and crime associates certainly should face prison time for every last law they have violated or broken. And all the Republicans and evangelicals who have overlooked, excused, supported, or encouraged those crimes should also face the stern consequences of their obvious wrongdoing.

****************************************************

Nancy Pelosi: Trump Needs An Intervention ‘For The Good Of The Country’

Maybe somebody should explain to Nancy that that's precisely what an impeachment is.

****************************************************

Trump Camp Denies He Called Markle Nasty — With Clip Of Him Calling Her Nasty

With some men their word is their bond. With other men [as with Trump], their bond is always a lie: No honest man can be a liar. No criminal can bear the truth:

   The law can not be upheld with lies.

Now you know why in order to be on the side of the law one always needs to tell the truth, and why [like Trump] lawbreakers need to be liars:

   You can not uphold the law with lies.

Being a liar is the best giveaway there is that someone is a criminal, just as surely as being a criminal is the best guarantee that someone will need be a liar.

If the administration defied a court order, all bets are off

Truthful men are always on the side of the law, and habitual lawbreakers always need to be liars: No liar will ever prove to be an honest man, no criminal can live by the truth.

****************************************************

Pete Rose Says He Gave Joe DiMaggio A Shower, Then Praises His Penis

Wait, what?! Joe DiMaggio couldn't shower himself?!

****************************************************

Women Aren’t The Only People Who Get Abortions

I'm a guy, and I aborted this ruffian who wanted to take out my daughter.

****************************************************

How calls to ‘love your enemies’ enforce the status quo

That's why I broke that brick over my neighbor's head: To improve the world.

****************************************************

Analysts: Tariffs on Mexico could cost 406,000 American jobs

So? What's that to Trump.

****************************************************

‘Your Legend Will Never Die’: Trump, at Cemetery in Normandy, Honors U.S. Soldiers

Hope somebody tells him someday that it is not a legend and that it actually happened.

****************************************************

Beachgoers shocked when dead cow washes up on shore

Cow told them she was only gonna do a coupla'laps close to shore & then swim right back.

****************************************************

Senator Tammy Duckworth Says Trump Has A ‘Yellow Streak Down His Back’

"Tell me some'm I don't know."

****************************************************

What if Congress Were in Charge, Not Trump?

Well, it is harder to come up with over 500 madmem than with just only the one.

****************************************************

Trump says increased defense spending is his way of ‘making up for’ not serving in Vietnam

Is this guy crazy, or what!

****************************************************

Democrats in the U.S. Congress have asked President Donald Trump to reconsider plans for a speech at the Lincoln Memorial during annual Independence Day celebrations, saying it could turn a traditionally non-partisan event into a campaign rally.

It's like they never met Donald Trump.

D-Day Remembrance: Trump Mixes Solemnity With Swipes at Mueller and Pelosi

****************************************************

Climate Warning Blocked Because It Didn’t ‘Jibe’ With Trump’s View: Report

Yep, that sounds about right for the Trump Palace.

****************************************************

Many Republicans said congressional subpoenas were mandatory. Now they suggest they’re optional.

And now you know where the slippery slope to dictatorship began.

****************************************************

Trump Says He Wouldn’t Have Let CIA Recruit Kim Jong Un’s Relatives As Informants

Sez he would have told his dog Droopy Barr to blow the whistle on'em (to see how creative Kim Jong Un got killing'em).

****************************************************

Justice Department sides with Maine families suing for right to use public funds for religious school

This used to be unconstitutional in my old country The United States of America. [It had a constitution.]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Delivers Sharp Dissent In Supreme Court Cross Case

In my old country, The United States of America, when its constitution said so, so it was.

****************************************************

Trump, without evidence, claims his campaign’s polling shows him ahead in every state surveyed

Trump's motto is, "Eh. If you're gonna lie: Lie, baby, LIE!"

****************************************************

A Republican refuses to shield Trump’s corruption. He will be punished.

This is the way with la cosa nostra. [Used to be with The Five Families, now it's just the Republicani.]

****************************************************

Have You Shared Your DNA Profile? You’ve Just Exposed Your Whole Family

Great, now everybody'll know which planet we're from!

****************************************************

A tree that French president Macron gave Trump has reportedly died

Did Trump touch it? Because, Trump is known to kill everything he touches.

****************************************************

California’s Santa Anita Racetrack Refuses To Close Despite 29 Horse Deaths

Instead they're renaming the track The Santa Anita Dog Meat Slaughterhouse.

****************************************************

How do you vacuum plastic from a beach?

With a plastic vacuum cleaner?

****************************************************

Selena Gomez Reveals What Bill Murray Whispered To Her At Cannes

"Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have sex with your great-great-grandfather?"

****************************************************

Donald Trump Jr. Tells Senate Investigators He Stands by His Testimony

Have to admire a guy who's that proud of his crimes.

****************************************************

Trump’s Lawyers Are Practically Daring Congress To Impeach Him

And who would know better why he should be?

****************************************************

If Kraft dressing is ‘salad frosting,’ spaghetti is Twizzlers and parenting is a web of lies

Yeah! Now ya got it.

****************************************************

A group of blind inmates just won a big settlement from Maryland. But what they lost has left one ‘always scared, always watching my back.’

A blind man watching his back: That can't be good.

****************************************************

Trump says he’d consider accepting dirt from foreign governments on his opponents

He's done it before. Why not do it again?

****************************************************

As Democrats deepen probes, Trump accuses them of being ‘totally out of control’

It's like listening to an inmate of the rubber room during a paid tour of ole Bedlam.

****************************************************

Islamic State in Afghanistan aims to attack US, general says

Oh now, I can't believe that!

****************************************************

Sleeping With the TV on May Make You Gain Weight

Thank God they finally found out it isn't overeating.

****************************************************

Clarence Thomas says a Smithsonian exhibit about him is wrong. (It’s not.)

DNA tests prove that's his pubic hair on the Coke can exhibit.

****************************************************

Putin’s dangerous campaign to rehabilitate Stalin

If lightning strikes Stalin, Putin will be forced to run around screaming: "It's alive! It's alive!" [In Russian, of course.]

****************************************************

What is the Hatch Act, and why did Kellyanne Conway get accused of violating it so egregiously?

Hatch Act is: When walking on egg shells, a chicken must remain quiet. Kellyanne Conway never shut up once.

****************************************************

Insulation plant divides community in West Virginia

Isn't that why they built it?

****************************************************

These dystopian photos contemplate the future for fish

Apparently fish are no more than 6 to 7 billion years away from being able to travel to another planet!

****************************************************

As sex disappears from big screens, movies become less pleasurable

[by A. Voyeur]

****************************************************

Sarah Sanders leaving White House at the end of the month, Trump says

Sarah Sanders already looking for a job with any Nigerian "prince" out there needs some American seed money to finally get his hands on that elusive billion dollars payday.

****************************************************

Cargill to Spend $30M for Ideas to End Brazil Deforestation

Best idea so far: Stop cutting down trees. [cost to come up with just this one great idea: $29M] Next!

****************************************************

Arab League: Israel-Palestinian Peace Must Have 2 States

Otherwise the Palestinians won't be able to build & launch missiles against Israel on an industrial scale (like Gaza, Syria, and Lebanon). [Not to mention Iran.]

****************************************************

Strippers Are Turning To Old-School Union Tactics To Fight For Fair Wages

Well, I'm a stripper. And not only have I never gotten ANY wages but a couple of times I've actually had to out-run the cops outta the park.

****************************************************

UK man donates frostbitten toe to Yukon bar

They're gonna plop into one of their Tequila bottles.

****************************************************

Trump to America: Who’s Going to Stop Me?

It's like watching the O.J. slow chase by the cops all over again (except without the Bronco). [Frankly, I prefer Trump's slow chase by the cops because it gives me more time to go to the bathroom.] But: Indeed! If the cops can't or won't stop a criminal on a crime spree, who will?

Justice Dept. memo backs Mnuchin’s refusal to give Trump’s tax returns to Congress

Ah! Another turn in the "chase." [Lemme get a beer.]

****************************************************

How Should Christians Have Sex?

I'm not a religious scholar, but I believe there's a missionary involved in it somewhere.

****************************************************

How Do Scientists Date Fossils?

No differently than anybody else: With flowers & chocolates.

****************************************************

Trump Renews Feud With London Mayor, Calling Him a ‘Disaster’

No, really: Trump needs to take a couple of Prozacs.

****************************************************

What happens if Mexico doesn't stem migrant flow?

Then Trump will whip & whomp his own voters until they cry to Heaven like lashed dogs--Trump hasn't really responded with action against Russian, North Korean, or Iranian provocations. And his actions against China and his so-called "immigration crisis" have been to punish mostly or even only the American People. But, as we all already know, these are classic reactions to be expected from someone who is both a bully and a coward (two sides of the same coin). [If war comes with Iran it will probably only be because Trump thinks being a war president will get him reelected in 2020, regardless of how many Americans it may kill.]

****************************************************

Ivanka Trump Collected $4 Million Last Year From Dad’s Controversial Washington Hotel

All the other pole dancers at the hotel cried foul at the blatant nepotism.

****************************************************

Animal Shelter Mistakenly Kills Family Dog Due To Mix-Up

"We're sorry," they told the owner, "but, your dog was so big that we thought it was a calf so we sold it for veal."

****************************************************

Valedictorian Unleashes Searing Rebuke Of High School Staff In Speech

"It cost me $6,000 to buy this gig as valedictorian," she screamed. "And then I find out last year's valedictorianship was bought for only $2,000 bucks!?"

****************************************************

OJ Simpson’s First Post on Twitter: ‘I Got A Little Gettin’ Even To Do’

For which he said he was going out to buy a mirror, "To help me find 'the real killer'."

****************************************************

Body found in residential pool in McLean, Fairfax County police say

"Why don't they throw these things out in the river like the mob does up in New York City?" the angry pool owner complained to the cops.

****************************************************

My father is a conservative, and I’m an anarchist. Hunting still connects us.

"Shooting up the joint indiscriminately seems to work for the both of us, yes."

****************************************************

Trump says supporters might ‘demand’ that he serve more than two terms as president

Sure. What people don't demand to be ruled by a self-serving dictator rather than by someone to whom they can dictate their needs!

White House Sparks Anger With ‘Real Real Weird’ Flag Day Tweet

****************************************************

Power Cut Hits Argentina and Uruguay, Affecting Tens of Millions

Putin trying out a little "cyber test" against nations which are not likely to be able to counter-attack, no doubt. [Ah! The joys of being able to get away with muydah!]

****************************************************

This Small Change In My Bedroom Gave Me Better, More Pain-Free Sleep

You kicked out your better half to the couch, didn't you!

****************************************************

ABC’s George Stephanopoulos Hammers Trump On Mueller Report: ‘Did You Read’ It?

That's the wrong question, dude. The right question to ask Donald Trump is: "Can't you read?" [Just don't be stupid enough to believe what he sez: Make him prove it!]

****************************************************

Trump inherited America’s foreign policy riches. He’s frittering them away.

Naturally. It is The Way of Trump. Just like he fritted away the millions his old man Fred left him (and whatever good God might've given him as He does with all babies new-born).

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Trump campaign cutting ties with three members of polling team after grim numbers leaked

Sure. If you don't like your poll numbers just pick another pollster. It is The Way of Trump.

****************************************************

Standoff with Iran exposes a credibility issue for Trump with U.S. allies

The little boy who cried "Wolf!" is being eaten by the invisible bites that lies take out of you, I see.

****************************************************

Trump plans to turn the Fourth of July into a political rally in honor of himself

What a surprise.

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How to decide right from wrong

If nobody gets hurt it's right.
[Even though perhaps stupid.]
If somebody gets hurt it's wrong.
[And absolutely, unquestionably stupid.]

****************************************************

Education as a meritocracy? Report finds it is still better to be born rich than smart in U.S.

Look at Trump: Dumb as a doughnut, stupid as a turd, brainless as a refried bean, and yet President of The United States.

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Paul Manafort is moved to Manhattan detention center that holds ‘El Chapo’

Manafort claimed that El Chapo is the only prisoner in the U.S. with whom he can play mumbly-peg like he learned to play it in the Trump Mafia.

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Magician drowns while attempting Houdini-inspired river escape

This is why I never go to the circus: What's the point of watching a guy stick his head into a lion's mouth if the lion doesn't bite it off? And, if it does bite it off: Who the Hell wants to see that?!

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As Ratings Drop, Putin Defends Record, Says Better Life Awaits Russians

"In 400 or 500 years," sez Putin. And also that he definitely plans on still being president then.

****************************************************

You Can Mail a Coconut to Anywhere in the World From This Post Office in Hawaii

"How much for just the water?" ["500,000 more, because it's that hard to affix the postage stamp on it."]

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Valued at billions but making no profit?

Oh. So they finally corrected the title of Trump's 'Art of The Deal.'

****************************************************

Turkey says it will ensure Morsi's death is not forgotten

They will name a turkey sandwich after him The Morsi Morsel.

****************************************************

Here’s What It’s Like To See Yourself In A Deepfake Porn Video

I don't know... is Trump in it too?

****************************************************

When is a gaffe a gaffe?

When it is not a notgaffe?

****************************************************

These neighbors want people to stop partying, having sex and defecating on the beach

Sorry. No can do. But you may take some comfort knowing that this situation is far far better than when we were monkeys up in the trees pitching our feces at each other. So at least be glad of that.

****************************************************

The average person swallows a credit card's worth of plastic every week

I know a lot of people've eating a lot of my debts lately.

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Trump Denies Ever Meeting Rape Accuser — Despite Photo Of Them Together

What a surprise.

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The GOP believed Juanita Broaddrick. This rape allegation against Trump is more credible.

Donald Trump is one of the scummiest poorest excuse for a human being there are. And I'm glad the Evangelicals see him as one of their own, because it shows like almost nothing else who & what they are.

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Is Trump moral enough to run a bar?

Trump isn't moral enough to run a whorehouse for congressmen.

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Leaked Documents Show Trump Dismissed ‘Red Flags,’ Hired Conflicted People Anyway: Axios

What a surprise.

****************************************************

McConnell says he’s against reparations for slavery: ‘It would be pretty hard to figure out who to compensate’

Sure. I agree it would be pointless to give Robert F. Smith (or other black millionaires) 40 acres & a mule. Just as it would also be both insulting AND meaningless to give a handful of dollars to every descendant of America's slaves & let it go at that. But it would be both effective (and only just) to give some kind of leg-up to those "descendants of the African slaves" who are undeniably mired in generation after generation of inequality--And it would absolutely be good for the American economy as well as for the entire American society. So, yes, I am FOR giving (or continuing to give, if you're talking about affirmative action or other social net programs that at least try to help keep the disadvantaged from falling even deeper into the hole)... I am not only FOR continuing to give what we already do but also FOR intelligently increasing America's long-overdue reparations for slavery. We owe it to ourselves, actually. [Racism is so pointless, really, when all the human beings on this planet without a single exception are descended from Africans.]

Chilling New Birtherism Slam Suddenly Surges Against Kamala Harris On Social Media

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Trump On E. Jean Carroll Accusing Him Of Rape: ‘She’s Not My Type’

Wait, what? Trump just admitted he has a particular 'type' of woman he prefers to rape?! [Sonomagun.]

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U.S. vs. France looks like a quarterfinal for the ages

"For the ages?" A Wedding Vows For The Ages:

Do you, a penis with a monkey attached, take this egg nest with a mouth to be your lawfully wedded wife...? ["Sure."] And do you, an egg nest with a mouth, take this penis with a monkey attached to be your lawfully wedded husband...? ["Eh. Why not?"] I now pronounce you guilty of the next generation--And here's your first debt: That'll be 2 bucks. [This is an old joke.]

****************************************************

The jobs where liars excel

Could there possibly be any doubt in anybody's minds that it's a tie between politicians and religious leaders? [I mean, used car salesmen and palm readers don't even come into it.]

****************************************************

Democrats’ emoluments lawsuit against President Trump can proceed, federal judge rules

Every rent paid by a foreign entity, business or government, on a Trump property is obviously a bribe. Every 'investment' in or loan extended to any Trump Family entity, person or company, is obviously a bribe. Every courtesy shown by a foreign government or business to any Trump Family member is obviously a bribe. And the only people who do not see this are those who purposely maliciously and sinisterly refuse to see it.

The pertinent question is: "How many foreign entities which are NOT seeking anything from the Trump administration are also engaging in these types of outrageously self-evident bribes?" If the answer is less than those who ARE seeking something from the United States then you have [in that] the answer as to why those foreign entities which ARE doing so are bribing Trump in seeking something from the US.

****************************************************

Venezuela alleges elaborate coup attempt involving U.S., Colombia, Israel

Maduro's enemies are wasting their time: If nothing else, the lesson of ISIS is that no matter how horrendously a leader mauls & destroys his own people he will always still have plenty of followers left willing even to commit suicide & watch their own families burned to death to perpetuate his rule--If YOU want Venezuela free of Maduro YOU are going to have to bite the bullet and go in & get'im out.

****************************************************

Ex-Trump partner says affiliation with failed projects hurt his reputation and cost him millions

Hey: He got off easy. Look at Barr: People used to shake hands with him. Now they either throw him a bone or whack him over the head with a rolled up newspaper.

Harvard Law Professor: ‘No Limit To How Much S**t’ William Barr Will Eat For Trump

The Welcome Humiliation of John Bolton

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Jimmy Carter Suggests Trump Is An Illegitimate President

Tell me something Trump doesn't know.

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Shay Mitchell Posts Stunning Photo, Surprising Fans With Pregnancy Announcement

Stunning! A woman getting pregnant! What won't they think of next!

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The Latest: Trump hails Korean DMZ as a ‘real border’

The only person on earth beside the North Korean butchers & other mass murderers on earth to ever have anything good to say about the Korean Demilitarized Zone: Donald Trump. [And, strangely, very appropriately that it should be him.]

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President Donald Trump on Thursday proposed an extraordinary delay to the 2020 census after the U.S. Supreme Court blocked his effort to add a citizenship question, but legal experts said such a move would violate the Constitution.

I'm sorry, but have you even heard of Trump The Donald?

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Minnesota City Council Votes To Drop Pledge Of Allegiance Before Meetings

Sure, why not? The President of The United States is selling out his country for a couple bucks here & there: If even the President doesn't give a rat's ass about his country why should anybody else!

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This online exhibit of jaw tumors, human skulls and cysts will either intrigue you or gross you out.

Depending on whether you just nibble fruits & salads or you like to devour birds' eyeballs, livers, hearts, kidneys, pigs' entrails & other sausages, BBQ'd wings, cow's tongues & hog jowls I suppose.

****************************************************

What is 'bussing' that sparked Biden row?

Isn't 'bussing' when some strange guy freaks out a woman he's never met before by running his tongue or lips over her? Seems to be what's gotten some politicians in trouble lately.

****************************************************

Trump tells Putin 'don't meddle' in upcoming presidential election

Wink. Wink.

****************************************************

Florida Gov. Signs Bill Requiring Felons To Pay Off Fines Before They Can Vote

I'm sorry, but how are they going to be able to vote FOR a measure to forgive their fines then?!

****************************************************

Why we shouldn’t fear a Trump dictatorship

Look at how well Venezuelans are doing with theirs. Or Russia & North Korea. The Chinese all say they hate freedom. And Cubans just love theirs. [And who needs a government of experts anyway, when a government of Trump's pals & family is doing so well!] Sure.

Now even public statements from Cabinet members aren’t true unless Trump says they are

****************************************************

There Were More CEOs Named Jeffrey Than CEOs Who Were Women Last Year: Report

Why not simply say that there were probaly no women CEOs named Jeffrey?! Mmm... I wonder how many black men are named Jeffrey in America? [Just a thought.] Although I betcha it's probably many more than white guys named Jamal.

****************************************************

Armed militias are breaking the law — and the Border Patrol might be, too

Don't worry: Trump will make sure that they all stay above the law.

****************************************************

Trump asks for military tanks on the Mall as part of grandiose July Fourth event

Tanks this year, ballistic missiles the next: I guess Trump wants to impress his buddy Kim Jong Un (as well as the great spirit of Stalin).

****************************************************

Kim-Trump border meeting: History or just a photo-op?

With Trump everything is a photo-op. [Have you even heard of the guy?]

****************************************************

The Trump Team Is Still Trying to Rig the Census

Every decade that goes by increases the number of Latinos in this country, and the white supremists are desperate to delay the day of reckoning as long as they can.

Trump’s dehumanization of immigrants is in plain sight

Trump and the Republicans see immigrants as future Democratic voters, and it infuriates them to the point of that kind of blind self-hatred which drove Hitler & others like him to deny the humanity of their brothers.

Trump rages over his latest failure to corrupt our democracy

Trump is what happens when voters are indifferent enough to their own best interests to pick as their president a self-delusional narcissist who [obviously] has no interest in SERVING as their president.

The only good thing about Trump is that he is allowing all the sinister schemes that white supremists & Republicans have been chugging in the shadows for decades now to be finally brought out into the light of day for everybody to see: This could possibly allow for their banishment to be made much easier, being that much harder to deny they that don't exist.

To get something in Washington, it helps to put money in Trump’s pocket

Trump extends his corruption into the intelligence agencies

How the federal government accommodates Trump’s personal corruption

There is no shortage of un-Trumps

****************************************************

‘They’re coming to you': A man played his sax for a herd of cows, and they loved it

Cows know a good porn story when they hear it.

****************************************************

Evangelical Pastor: Democrats Have Created An ‘Imaginary God’

They ain't the only ones.

****************************************************

Rush Limbaugh Suggests Drinking Toilet Water Is ‘A Step Up’ For Migrants

It would be nice to see that he knows what he's talking about if he would try it out for a while himself as a favor to us all.

****************************************************

Is Natural Deodorant Actually Necessary? Experts Weigh In.

Well, I was in this bus once & this really rotting guy came in--And nobody in there smelled a thing rotten about him on account of he was as big & mean-looking as a grizzly: That is natural deodorant.

****************************************************

Will Trump’s Fourth of July speech soften — or sharpen — Americans’ partisan divisions?

I'm sorry, but have you even heard of Trump The Donald?

****************************************************

‘Chickenhawk’ Lou Dobbs Ripped For ‘Cowardly’ Attack On American Generals

Shouldn't that be 'chicken hawk Lou Dobbs' (the chicken who likes to pretend he's a hawk)...?

****************************************************

U.S. Soccer Star Ali Krieger: ‘I Refuse To Respect’ Donald Trump

This might well turn out to be the first time in American history that respecting the office must take a back seat to disrespecting the man. Hopefully the only [and last] time too.

To get something in Washington, it helps to put money in Trump’s pocket

Trump extends his corruption into the intelligence agencies

How the federal government accommodates Trump’s personal corruption

There is no shortage of un-Trumps

Census farce: Trump, Barr and the Justice Department make a mockery of the law

****************************************************

President Whose ‘Bone Spurs’ Kept Him Out Of War Finally Gets His Tank-Adorned Celebration

I suppose Trump (a yellow-belly coward who's now desperately trying to make up for it by playing up his role as commander in chief), I suppose Trump must have a lifetime of regrets about not having the courage to serve his country in the military, so now he likes to pretend he's 'serving his country' in the [safe] "pretend military" role of empty pageantry.

****************************************************

Perspective: Where Trump should have gone on July 4

Oh, I think a lot of Americans know exactly where Trump should go.

****************************************************

Trump Dive-Bombed In Tweets After Saying Army Seized Revolutionary War Airports

Yep. This is the president we have now: A slob who probably never paid attention in school a day of his life! And now this is the man who is dictating the course of history not just for us but for the nations too. I hope it turns out to just be a moral lesson to us all for the need to have an accurately informed electorate! And how critical a free press is to the survival of democracy.

****************************************************

Should future generations have rights?

No. It will only complicate matters when our survival will depend on our becoming free-ranging cannibals.

****************************************************

'We embraced... but I'd still kill him'

Preacher said it was the twenty-second strangest wedding vow he'd ever heard from a bride.

****************************************************

Wrong family takes 'brother' off life support

"Fact we didn't know the guy made it easier."

****************************************************

Fox News Anchor Julie Banderas Says Burning The U.S. Flag Is A Crime. It’s Not.

No. No: Bandera is Spanish for flag. She was probably talking about the time she got burned by her American EX.

****************************************************

Biden Would Consider Nominating Garland For The Supreme Court. Again.

Earth is on its way to becoming Venus & these guys are talking about which monkey would look best on which branch of the tree!

****************************************************

Why I can’t take care of a plant

Why don't you just hire a kid from your neighborhood to take care of it: Kids love killing things.

****************************************************

Trump Blames Rain For His Comment About Airports In The Revolutionary War

Or... it could be that he really doesn't know how to read. [As we all always knew anyway.]

****************************************************

Trump has referred to his Wharton degree as ‘super genius stuff.’ An admissions officer recalls it differently.

"As recently as June 19, Trump continued to cite his Wharton background, sometimes in misleading ways. Awarding the Medal of Freedom to Laffer, Trump claimed that “I’ve heard and studied the Laffer curve for many years in the Wharton School of Finance.” Trump graduated from Wharton in 1968, and Laffer didn’t outline his tax-cutting theory on the back of a napkin until 1974, according to Laffer’s account in a book he co-wrote called “The End of Prosperity.” Thus, studying the Laffer curve during Trump’s time at the school would have been impossible."

What a surprise.

****************************************************

My car flooded this morning! What should I do?

Row, row, row your boat
gently down the street...

****************************************************

America is greater than ‘just okay’

"So: You guys think you're better than Oklahoma?! You guys think you're better than Oklahoma?!"

****************************************************

Conway urges media to focus on ‘the true perpetrator’ after Acosta, Epstein case questions

Yes: I believe that's Acosta [as well as everybody else] who enabled Epstein to continue his predatory spree against underaged victims.

****************************************************

South Korean Defects to the North, Following in His Parents’ Footsteps

"Hey, stupid!" His father greeted him with: "When I wrote you to 'make your own way' I was trying to tell you to NOT make the same idiotic mistake we did!!!"

****************************************************

Trump called Epstein a ‘terrific guy’ who enjoyed ‘younger’ girls. Then he denied their relationship.

Figures: Epstein is exactly the kind of guy who would naturally gravitate to Trump & gang. [And Trump is the biggest liar on earth.]

****************************************************

Mick Jagger Mocks Trump’s Revolutionary War Airports Blunder During Concert: If only the Redcoats had held on to those airports, "the whole thing might have gone differently for us."

Actually, the real problem was that the British just couldn't mount a defense against the Continental Army's cyber attacks.

****************************************************

Clinton Denies Knowing Anything About Jeffrey Epstein’s ‘Terrible Crimes’

In his defense: He also didn't know that he'd had sex with 'that woman.'

****************************************************

The Blue Bell ice cream licker spawned copycats. One man has now been charged.

In their defense: I've eaten so many burgers at fast food joints which were spat on by the teens working'em that now a burger just don't taste right without a bit of teen spit on'em!

****************************************************

Everything you wanted to know about the international implications of reanimating pig brains but were afraid to ask

"Does it mean that we can now expect the pig brains we buy at the butcher's to be staler or fresher?"

****************************************************

Snowball the cockatoo taught himself 14 dance moves, scientists say

Now they're thinking of shutting off his TV so he can't watch America's Got Talent anymore.

****************************************************

Why you can trust BBC News

"Because we speak with a Cockney accent. Just like all those blokes selling you junk on American TV."

****************************************************

Latin America’s tiny apartment boom

They built 2 of them and then went on to something else.

****************************************************

What is the future of sex?

Thinking about it.

****************************************************

Farms 'could be wiped out like the coal industry'

Aw, wipe'em out: Who needs food anyway!

****************************************************

Should we stop washing our clothes?

Sure: It's silly to wash them when you never bathe anyway!

****************************************************

A Florida man gets out of jail. He tries to ‘hot wire’ an ATV to go home, deputies say

In his defense: Hot wiring cars was the only skill he was taught in prison.

****************************************************

North Korea is keeping its nukes. That seems to be fine with Trump now.

Losing has always been fine with Trump (or track his history in everything). What Trump's really interested in is making the suckers believe he's a winner. [And there are a lot of suckers out there.]

Trump praises his own environmental efforts

Sez praising them is much better than making them.

****************************************************

Donald Trump’s origin story suffers another severe blow

Really? Would it surprise anybody who's ever so much as spoken casually with The Donald even once that he's a whopping meathead?

****************************************************

'Every man wants to have sex with you'

Only the sad ones.

****************************************************

Is humanity about to get stupider?

About to?! Where do you think Trump got his votes just now!?

****************************************************

Would you share your job with someone?

Sure: If I can find someone to do the work while I collect the paychecks I think that would be a dream job.

****************************************************

Why this woman sleeps with tape on her mouth

Married?

****************************************************

The Taliban Promise to Protect Women. Here’s Why Women Don’t Believe Them.

Because women should never believe anything men from the 5th Century say about equal rights?

****************************************************

Feds Warn Alien Seekers Not To Try Their Luck At Area 51

Pence sez the aliens there are all being treated well. [But they won't let in the press to check.]

****************************************************

American Muslim Women Are Fighting For The Freedom To Swim

I get it: They wanna get outta here but airlines won't allow them to fly.

****************************************************

Trump’s Record Of Ethically Tainted Cabinet Departures Rises With Acosta’s Exit. No other U.S. president has lost so many Cabinet members in his first term to ethics issues.

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Alexander Acosta Won’t Be the Last Trump Official to Resign

No. I believe that would be Donald Trump himself.

****************************************************

Trump’s Ominous Attempt to Redefine Human Rights

"What? What's the Big Deal adding a little 'in' to human?!"

****************************************************

Women give voice to a male canon. It happens to be ancient Greek.

Greek or not, now it goes "Weeee!" instead of "Boom!"

****************************************************

After 50 years, Michael Broadbent is still teaching us how to drink wine

It's remarkable the stuff hasn't killed him off by now.

****************************************************

Trump’s Threat To Remove Millions Of Migrants Will Be Hard To Carry Out, Experts Say

Oh no, no, when Trump says millions he really means dozens--You know, like when he describes the crowds at his rallies.

****************************************************

Trump’s nominee for top military job says he won’t be ‘intimidated into making stupid decisions’

Well, there goes any chance Trump might expect that he obey his then!

****************************************************

Ruthless, ‘superhuman’ poker-playing computer program makes elite players fold

Computer's nickname is: So What If I Lose.

****************************************************

What Does Your Face Say About Your Character? Absolutely Nothing

Well I always let my face do my talking for me: I don't know about you, but it's always embarrassing every time some other part of my body starts wanting to be heard.

****************************************************

‘Congratulations ... Mr. President’: Barr spins Trump’s census loss

So if you were thinking of buying Trump some toilet paper this Christmas, don't bother: He's obviously got plenty of Barr.

****************************************************

Trump: Mainstream Media Is Not Free Speech, People Who ‘Write Bad’ Are Dangerous

I gotta admit: When you're right you're right, Mister Trump. [Will Trump ever stop himself proving that his critics are right? Or at least stop writing poorly.]

****************************************************

Researchers Teach Gray Seals To Sing ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star’

Thank God they're not wasting their time trying to cure cancer or something!

****************************************************

Trump Doesn’t Seem To Know Where The Kidneys Are Or What They Do

Dude, Trump only knows what his hand does because Melania needs a lot of time off to get her stomach working again after having sex with a degenerate obese old geezer reeking of hamburgers & KFC.

****************************************************

The kids emptied our bank account playing Fifa'

You emptied their future voting Republican: Now you're even.

****************************************************

Ex-Bush Aide Has Chilling Theory For GOP Silence On Acosta’s Deal With Epstein “We have a president who is a sexual predator,” the longtime Republican insider said.

Because there can be no doubt that they are the ones who could stop this sexual predator but choose to not do so, to GOP supporters & enablers of Trump I say: Is this really the world you want your kids growing up in?

****************************************************

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Will add more later. SDR
Buy the books: Each has hundreds & hundreds more...
[Thousands & thousands if you get the entire set.]
These are all real headlines--I'm the one who's unreal.

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DISCLAIMER: Note that my quips are almost exclusively all about the headline and the news articles themselves are in most cases irrelevant: Only because of the electronic nature of eBooks have I been able to include a [most convenient] search link to the actual news article... exclusively for the sake of those of you with a morbid curiosity (or a slow wit). But though I myself have read them, it is not really all that necessary that you put yourself through that too--unless, of course, you wish to find out whether my outrageous make of them might perhaps also be accurate (or just plain nuts).
S D Rodrian
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PERMISSIONS: As long as you provide the appropriate citation of authorship and Copyrights you may use [just one] of the above quips. More than one and you gotta pay me through the nose for their use.*
S D Rodrian

* NO mucus, please.

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SUNDRY OTHER S D Rodrian NOTES:

The Rules of Life
http://thesolutionisthis.com
The Stories and Poems of S D Rodrian
LATTER-DAY MUSINGS
.
Copyright Notice: Please note that none of the materials in this website are in the Public Domain, so please do not reproduce any of it without the proper permissions from the Copyright holder: S D Rodrian

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