When the news get too depressing these are the books to read.

Now, where can one find happiness? Always a good place to start is: anywhere a good, sound couple of laughs wash away the alternative, of course. And each of the Tricky Headlines eBooks holds hundreds and hundreds of laughs for the having. Here you can enjoy the hilarious, definitely not politically correct (PC) quips, comments, and invariably irreverent observations of/by S D Rodrian on today's news headlines collected in this ever continuing series of books intended most especially of all for the latest eReaders out there (each & every available tablet, computer, and iPhone you can buy).

In a world of serious, sad, and even quite tragic circumstances (a world in which about the greatest need is & always will remain the need for laughter), humor always is the point of departure here... ever the abiding goal of these forthright takes on today's so very truly tricky headlines.

S D Rodrian

[Below you can read some of their contents.]

Latter-Day-Musings / S D Rodrian
Barnes And Noble  KOBO eBooks

Tricky Headlines 5 / S D Rodrian
Happy Schadenfreudes to You Democrats & Republicans!
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo  Lulu

Tricky Headlines 3 / S D Rodrian
The World Is Funnier Than It Lets On
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Tricky Headlines 4 / S D Rodrian
Sinful Pleasures of the Anti-Politically Correct
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Tricky Headlines 1 / S D Rodrian
A profound treatise upon the human condition.
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo  Lulu

Tricky Headlines 2 / S D Rodrian
An Amusing Stare Into The Tragedies of Man.
Kindle eBook (Amazon.com)  Barnes And Noble  Kobo  Lulu

Continuing this flippant series of hilarious eBooks exploiting the apparent inability of the writers & editors of today's "Tricky Headlines" to compose clear, unambiguous copy--Puzzlement, amazement, outrage, and the humor of their folly, silliness, ambiguity, injustice, intent to deceive, along with all the rest of it. Intended for an adult audience (think of these items as comics without the graphics). Every collection suitable to be the ideal reading companion for any seated occasion.
eBook Image

Do buy my eBooks and help me to topple Bill Gates off the top of that swanky Forbes's list. eBook Image

What, you want to get bogged down in some inane novel written by a tiresome pointless novelist, or you wanna laugh at the stupidity of Man?

[You may preview these eBooks at Amazon.com]

       The Kindle Store

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            for friend or enemy
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       Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at The KOBO Store.

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       Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at Barnes & Noble.

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  "Remember: If you don't want me to quip
    about you, just stay out of the headlines!
"

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What to Know About Having a ‘Green’ Funeral

They pitch the corpse in a swamp tied to a rope and let it soak there a few days 'fore they haul it back out & pour it in the coffin. [Looking green!]

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What It’s Like to Be Black in Austin

It's like being white in Zimbabwe. [Human nature, you know, not racism.]

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Forget Mexico, Trump Can’t Even Get Congress To Pay For His Wall

What's the big deal? Just tell Trump to put some damn clothes on before he goes out his yard, for God's sakes!

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China’s Space Station May Crash to Earth on April Fools’ Day

OMG! It's gonna land on your city! [April's Fool!]

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Why Asking About Citizenship Could Make the Census Less Accurate

Hey, stupid: Politicos don't care about the census being accurate. What they care about is making the census into their political weapon.

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Regions across the country where home flipping is hottest

Hercules's regions that have lots of antisemites.
And Samson's regions with the fewest antisemites.

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State Department braces for Bolton’s return

Don't worry--It won't be long before Trump replaces him [in a tizzy] with Roseanne Barr or somebody.

****************************************************

Rapper Killer Mike defends owning a gun

Sez his Rapper's License would get revoked if he didn't own one.

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Ex-Playboy Model Who Claims Affair With Trump Says He Made Her Cry

Everyone's attracted to everyone else for their own weird reasons, I guess.

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Why He Kayaked Across the Atlantic at 70 (for the Third Time)

Because the same great white keeps waiting for him out in the open sea and it can't do more'm the top 60s's why!

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Ask the French: Are they really rude?

"Well, that was a mistake!"

****************************************************

Former Disney actor, 22, joins White House

She will be in charge of doing the Mickey Mouse voice-overs for President Trump whenever he can't think of'em himself.

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US cop kills unarmed man with pants down

"He definitely had something in his hand, Judge." [OR: Cop must have been holstering a couple of really heavy caliber guns.]

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Driver tries to hit 2 soldiers with vehicle in French Alps

"Soon as he swung that truck over his head we knew the guy was bad news."

****************************************************

Romanian village pestered by brandy-drinking bear

"He just will not accept the fact that we've only got vodka."

****************************************************

Sperm race funds rare bird's survival

Winner of the race will be given a cigarette.

****************************************************

Does Justin Trudeau apologise too much?

Lots worse things he could do if he weren't busy apologizing, you know.

****************************************************

Stormy Daniels’s lawyer pushes to depose Trump, saying Americans have been told ‘a bucket of lies’

Just one bucket? This is Trump we're talking about: Trump pours out nothing but buckets & buckets & buckets & buckets of lies.

****************************************************

You May Be Using Your Child’s Car Seat Incorrectly

I do feel a bit squeezed in it, yes!

****************************************************

These Are Society’s Worst Crimes Against Peeps

1) spreading black paint around the peeping holes

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People Want To Know Why Brooklyn Museum’s New African Art Curator Is White

Answer: Because his ancestors left Africa a long, long, long time ago. [It's one of the lessons the African Art museum wants visitors to learn--otherwise they'll continue to believe white & black people came from different planets.]

****************************************************

Syrians fleeing war, bloodshed now stranded on Greek island of Lesbos

Claim Lesbians are the best.

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Pope on Holy Thursday urges priests to be close to sinners

"Way ahead of you." [Priests tell Pope they couldn't be closer to sinners if they tried.]

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No, bacon does not make everything better

I slabbed a whole load of bacon on my boss's head and it only made him an even worse boss!

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Judge denies Stormy Daniels’s bid to expedite case against Trump over confidential agreement

Sez that Trump is such a terrible President that he's certain to be re-elected for a second term. ["So be patient!"]

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An investigation: Had people heard the word ‘trillion’ a decade ago?

Yes: For more than 20 years or more now I've been getting at least that many overdue bills in the mail every month.

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The Fix: Trump says U.S. will leave Syria ‘very soon’ — despite promises not to telegraph military moves

I'm sorry, but, when have you known Trump to NOT talk out both sides of his mouth?

****************************************************

Paleontologist Talks About Fossil ‘Find Of A Lifetime’ In Area Cut From Bears Ears

"It might be some kind of bears skull."

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CBD is cannabis that won’t get you high. So why are so many people using it?

Altitude sickness.

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Prominent Houston Pastor Indicted on Charges of Defrauding Investors

"The bum told everybody there was a God!" ["And that He needed some cash!"]

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The richest Americans get a $33,000 tax break under the GOP tax law. The poorest get $40.

In the rich's defense: The poor don't have to tip much.

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Trilobites: Why Do Cracking Knuckles Make That Noise? You Might Need a Calculator

Reminds us of when we used to drag them that many millions of years ago and they cracked naturally.

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Biggest Threat to Humanity? Climate Change, U.N. Chief Says

"If we had the right climate, we could easily put 60 ... 80 billion more people here."

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Russian Envoy Derides US Claim of Arming Taliban

Of course, the customary usual Russian "implausible deniability" finesse (defense).

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McCabe launches GoFundMe to raise money for legal costs

These things never work: I once launched a GoFundMe to become a billionaire and fell a couple of millions short.

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Bush Ethics Chief Warns Trump Insiders: People Will Go ‘To The Slammer’

Unfortunately everybody already in the slammer was also told this before ending up there.

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Suspect in school attack plot had 'unusual ideas'

"Macaroni... and Chiclets."

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Going Cashless: My Journey Into the Future

I can see it: That's pretty much been my journey to this point in time.

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U.S. Says It Can Pay for 100 Miles of Wall on 2,000-Mile Border

The rest will be paid by raising the toll on Mexicans crossing illegally into the U.S.

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Schwarzenegger Wakes Up From Open Heart Surgery With A Catchphrase

"Maghria! I didn't dooit! I didn't dooit!"

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The Latest: Pope Francis asks forgiveness for host of sins

Sez years ago he'd been the notorious Córdoba Cannibal serial killer.

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Russia to expel 60 US diplomats, close consulate

"Joke's on them: Whereas before Trump we used to register our spies as janitors--Now all our diplomats really are janitors."

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Yesterday’s favorite, Honduras whiplashed by Trump threats to cut U.S. aid

What a surprise.

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China lists $50B of US goods it might hit with 25 pct tariff

Sez US will have to hit their bads themselves.

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Bahrain's largest oil find estimated at 80 billion barrels

Boast that's more than enough to cover every living creature on earth with up to sixty inches of tar.

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Trump says he didn’t know his attorney paid $130,000 to porn star Stormy Daniels

"I thought she was doing it strictly for the love she bore me," the Twit Tweeted.

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Egypt sentences 35 to life on terror charges

It's encouraging to finally see one of these Mideast Arab governments becoming more pro-life, for a change.

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'Avengers: Infinity War' Directors, Downey Ask for Secrecy

Sez the movie's only worthwhile thing is the surprise ending, when the hero is killed. [Dude, that's basically every surprise ending in these type movies, you know.]

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Cool Jazz: Bowhead Whales Improvise When Singing, Study Says

Does not say if they considered that maybe they just can't remember the song.

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2 men jailed for killing goat at petting zoo in Germany

"Sorry, Judge: We pet every kid the same as we pet our own kids."

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Classic car found buried in back garden

"Ah! So that's where I put it!"

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Trump claimed his plan to put troops on the border is extraordinary. It was routine for Obama.

You should know by now every time Trump picks his nose it's like "the greatest nose-picking in the entire history of man."

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More dogs die on United than on any other airline. Here’s why.

Their over-indulging nature--lett'n'em stick their heads out the window whenever they want.

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Trump Calls Amazon and Other Businesses ‘Stupid’ on Twitter

Yeah: They don't use bankruptsy to defraud their employees and creditors like Trump's businesses.

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He Ate the World’s Hottest Pepper, Then Landed in the Hospital With ‘Thunderclap’ Headaches

Should've had a V8

****************************************************

House in Texas explodes after being struck by car

Wouldn't you know it was the only house in the entire neighborhood NOT underwater.

****************************************************

Catalonia's defiant ex-leader freed on bail from German jail

Does not say why the jail posted his bail. [Maybe he doesn't bathe as often as he should.]

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Trump threatened China with $100 billion in tariffs. Beijing plays it cool.

Chinese are morons: They should've known when Trump threatened 60 billion in tariffs he was just blowing it out his ass & would've settled for a couple of thousand bucks' concessions. But now they've pushed Trump into a corner, and a cornered rat is always a dangerous animal.

****************************************************

Is Russia all out of oligarchs? It says it is.

Putin claims he's pretty sure he got all their wealth in his own name now.

****************************************************

Germany: mother and son apparently killed by their dog

Dog used the gun it owned legally, as it was a guard dog.

****************************************************

French mayor sorry for Ikea April Fool

"Ha! Knew he couldn't have slapped together his Ikea stool in under an hour!"

****************************************************

There’s no victory for Trump in Syria, but he could court disaster

The best punishment the U.S. could inflict on all the evildoers in Syria would be to do nothing and just let them keep punishing themselves there. [Certainly the civilians there don't need us punishing them on top of everybody else there already doing it.]

****************************************************

Trump Denounces Raid as ‘Attack on Our Country’

For Trump, "Anything that gets my ass closer to the slammer" is an attack on our country.

****************************************************

Don’t Get Married Yet If Your Partner Does These 9 Things

1) goes out of his way to run over pigeons/squirrels
2) enjoys tripping waiters/buss boys more'n tipping'em
3) is holding a garage full of tricycles "for ransom"
4) steals small appliances from your house every visit
5) boasts about the hurt he's put on previous lovers
6) throws rocks at old people walking out on the street
7) makes his money borrowing from Alzheimer sufferers
8) pushes people off train platforms in his spare time
9) claims there's no such things as a restraining order

****************************************************

Virginia’s Tony Bennett was voted college basketball coach of year, and he beat you to all of your jokes

Wonder if that includes the one about the clown who'd beat people up until they laughed because that's the only talent for clowning he had?

****************************************************

Alert cat wakes owner who spots thief, leading to an arrest in Maryland

"I thought the best course of action," cat told reporters, "was to just let the two of them fight it out."

****************************************************

We’ve seen this movie before. It ended with impeachment.

Yeah, but this one's a talkie, and in spectacular Technicolor. Enjoy!

****************************************************

Here's Why I Invented A 'Death Machine' That Lets People Take Their Own Lives

"Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door," yes, we know, Mister Ralph Waldo Emerson. ["Hey, Ma! Look: I'm a billionaire."]

****************************************************

Nazi legacy found in Norwegian trees

Most of'em are still standing there with at least one branch making the Nazi salute!

****************************************************

Builders find mummified monkey in US shop

Does not say what they were building, but Monkey must've been quite a steal to make it into the papers like this.

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What did Trump mean when he said the U.S. missiles heading for Syria are ‘smart’?

He means they're smarter than he is.

****************************************************

SpaceX Capsule Reaches Space Station With Food, Experiments

Guess it needed the food to keep up its strength for all that experimenting up there.

****************************************************

Sex Abuse Scandal Casts Shadow Over Nobel Prize for Literature

So, what then... Lady GaGa ain't gett'n it this year?!

****************************************************

Fossil Finger Points to Early Humans Entering Saudi Arabia

Pointing was accompanied by creepy organ music.

****************************************************

‘The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven’ now wants his day in court

Claims God touched him inappropriately.

****************************************************

It would be the world’s largest airplane. It’s being built by a billionaire. And it’s getting ready to fly.

It's so big they will be able to grow all the weed they want in it, bail it up, & then unload it all upon landing without having to pick up any of it in Mexico.

****************************************************

A $4 bottle of nonalcoholic ‘rosé’ welcomes everyone to the party

Same bottle of grape juice without the ‘rosé’ label is $1.75 over at Pop's.

****************************************************

After his new national security adviser gets enthusiastic applause, Trump says he might have to fire him

Should have told the audience to applaud Trump instead: This is a grievous fault in any Trump lackey--who is now certainly made himself worthy of being fired by Trump.

****************************************************

They lured a sex-predator suspect to their home and hogtied him. Now they could face charges.

From the hog?

****************************************************

Russia accused of tampering with the site of alleged Syrian chemical attack

Impossible! What, an honorable man like Putin, a high-principled country like Russia?!

****************************************************

Nikki Haley finds herself under the bus as Trump shifts course on Russia

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Multiple shark maulings fail to keep Australian surfers from the water

"Er-ah! I was mauled three time this morning," said one Aussie: "But e-ah I am again Band-Aids & all whipping'em waves, mate!"

****************************************************

France’s Macron tries to walk back remarks that he persuaded Trump to keep troops in Syria

I've done this. Once I told people I had invented the horse & had to do a long walk after I got thrown off that high horse.

****************************************************

Starbucks CEO calls for ‘unconscious bias’ training

Apparently scientists have finally given up trying to teach people to be unbiased while they're still awake. ["Can't be done, sir. Can not be done."] So instead they're gonna try knocking it into their heads.

****************************************************

Russia: Syria chemical attack 'fabrication'

This is the Russians' way of proving to the world exactly what a big bunch of liars they are (without actually having to say so explicitly).

****************************************************

Shaquille O’Neal Doesn’t Know Who The Queen Of England Is

In Shaquille O’Neal's defense: There are so many rappers out there these days that it's damn hard keeping'em straight.

****************************************************

Joe Wilson Reacts To Libby Pardon: ‘Trump Is A Vile And Despicable Individual’

Cohen: Tethered to a Raging Buffoon Called Trump

See! This is the problem with getting into public life, Mister Trump: Everybody finally gets to know the real you. [from the best-selling You Can Run, And Then You Can't Hide]

****************************************************

‘Untruthful slime ball’: Trump blasts Comey as details emerge from scathing book

‘Untruthful slime ball’: Yes! Of course! That's the term I was searching for which exactly characterizes Donald Trump: Thanks!

****************************************************

NASA Rocketed Human Sperm Into Space

Nothing to worry about here: Just Trump's salute to the universe.

****************************************************

Could Russia and West be heading for cyber-war?

Russia accused of net hack attacks

A few more such attacks and, yes, it could yet dawn on the West that they might be heading into a cyber-war with Russia someday.

****************************************************

Gay vultures' chick released in Italy

Wonder how they got one of them to lay the egg.

****************************************************

Russian reporter dies after mystery fall

Putin claims to have proof that the men he sent to throw him over the fifth-floor railing had absolutely nothing to do with it. [And everybody in Russia believes him, of course.]

****************************************************

If You Own Guns You Don’t Want Anymore, We Want To Talk To You

Please call The Crips Inc.
Please call The Bloods Inc.

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PENCE AIDE OUT AFTER 2 DAYS

Yeah! Beat that, Mister Trump! ["Did. I canned Scaramucci even before he started the job."] Oh.

****************************************************

New museum chief fiercely promotes African art, but faces a more prosaic problem at home

His family doesn't appreciate the fierce attitude he brings home from work.

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GM claims the Chevy Bolt gets 238 miles per charge. Here’s why that’s misleading.

Every time you step on the brakes it uses power, so too when you use the radio, air conditioner, open a window, turn a light on... and so it really only goes 2 and a half blocks [max] per charge. [Unless you push it, of course.]

****************************************************

You may be surprised what retirement income is taxed and what isn’t

1) retirement income of those who need it is
2) retirement income of those who don't need it ain't

[courtesy The RNC]

****************************************************

William Nack, prizewinning sportswriter and bard of Secretariat, dies at 77

Wait, what?... The horse wasn't writing his own poetry?!? [And here I thought it was pretty good stuff too, for a horse.]

****************************************************

School Apologizes For Asking Students To List ‘Positive Aspects’ Of Slavery

1) iron-clad job security

****************************************************

Greece: Man electrocuted at rail depot thought to be migrant

How drunk ya gotta be to think a rail depot was a migrant?!

****************************************************

North Korea says it has suspended nuclear and long-range missile tests, plans to close nuclear test site

Guess Kim Jong Un reads the papers too & want to get a hold of Trump before they stick him in the slammer.

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US: Russia, Syria sanitizing chemical attack site

What a waste! What bugs could've lived through that?

****************************************************

Swaziland king says he's renaming the country

From now on it will be known as Joey's.

****************************************************

Australia bank charged fees to dead clients

In the bank's defense: Not one of'em disputed the charges.

****************************************************

Aussies split over plans to trap peacocks

Peacocks split over not wanting to be trapped but also not wanting to be ignored either. Stay tuned.

****************************************************

Prague zookeepers use puppet to raise endangered magpie

Puppet would rather be working Vegas, but sez lucky to get any gig.

****************************************************

Developers turn to offering renters 'micro-apartments'

"My husband especially loves the handy bed/toilet combo."

****************************************************

‘The essence of life is kind of a nostalgia anticipation sandwich’: Philosophy 101 with Julian Casablancas

Dude, the essence of life is shit: Plants eat our shit & we eat theirs. [Then, when we all die: We eat them & they eat us. Still shit, though: Everything always ends up in shit.]

****************************************************

Ingenious baboons escape Texas biomedical lab for brief taste of freedom

"Sorry," the guard apologized: "They said they were foreign-exchange researchers. Showed me ID and everything." ["Frankly, some of'em looked more human than a lot of the people that work here."]

****************************************************

Richard Jenrette, noted investment banker, dies at 89

His last words were, "God! All I need's just one more lousy million!"

****************************************************

New inspector general report points to recurring government problems

1) government's being run by people who know how to work the system instead of people who know how to make the system work

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How to live it up without going broke before you die

1) find out when you're going to die, and then budget your cash accordingly. [If you're more short of cash than life, sorry.]

****************************************************

Man exposes himself to a child at a Maryland store, police say

"I should have exposed myself to something less toxic, like cyanide or radiation," he later told police.

****************************************************

Do Americans need to adapt to America in decline?

When Americans no longer care whether their leaders are ethical or moral our "decline" is not all that far away from the complete collapse of the American experiment. Trump is a sign of America's decline: Really, the most important sign that Americans themselves may be impatient for that collapse.

[In unrelated news: Trump stubbed his toe today and then tweeted that this definitively proves that there was never any collusion.]

****************************************************

Male fruit flies find ejaculation pleasurable, Israeli researchers find

You mean they don't do it out of a sense of duty?!

****************************************************

Squirrel Wins UC Berkeley Student Senate Seat

In squirrel's defense: He was the only one in class paying any attention that entire year.

****************************************************

Copperfield forced to reveal magic trick

It turned out that when David turned his back to the audience he'd hide the elephant in a false tooth!

****************************************************

‘Overwhelmed’ Letter Carrier Allegedly Held Onto 17,000 Pieces Of Mail

Postal Service now studying feasibility of having each letter carrier hold on to at least that many pieces of mail in order to cut costs.

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Cohen Said He’d Take a Bullet for Trump. Maybe Not Anymore.

In Cohen's defense: He didn't actually say it had to be fired from a gun. [from The Lawyer's Tricks Handbook]

****************************************************

Can You Guess What America Will Look Like in 10,000 Years? A Quiz

What do we get if we get it right?

****************************************************

Uranus Is Actually A Giant Ball Of Farts Floating In Space, Study Finds

I did suspect some of'em might be powerful enough to go that high, yes. But mine is a down-to-earth ass, I assure you.

****************************************************

Shark attacks man who was bitten in head by a bear. Then there was the rattlesnake ...

Next up: "Balancing a black widow spider on the tip of my tongue."

****************************************************

How to enjoy the alcohol that once betrayed you

Rub it on your skin instead of pouring it down your gullet.

****************************************************

Man Shoots Wife Going to Bathroom, Mistaking Her for Burglar

In man's defense: Last thing you want is some burglar breaking in on you while you're sitting on the Crapper.

****************************************************

Scientists Find Lots of Gorillas in Census, Also See Decline

The gorillas seem to be living mostly everywhere the constructing boom is now in decline.

****************************************************

The Final House Intelligence Committee Report On Russia Defends Trump

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Toxic Caterpillars Invading Parts of London, Officials Warn

Anti-Toxicaterpillophobes already planning protests.

****************************************************

Former Trump Tower in Azerbaijan, Dogged by Controversy, Is Engulfed by Fire

Guess the old saying is true: Satan loves to take up residence at Trump's fire traps.

****************************************************

Republicans Reject Investigation Into Why Paul Ryan Fired House Chaplain

Patrick Conroy was forced out of his job after praying for no “winners and losers” under the GOP tax law.

Paul Ryan sez no tax plan can have winners without having losers. [And that he damn well knows whom he designed coming out the losers in his massive tax fraud.]

****************************************************

America can’t quite decide what to do with its first ladies

Well, guess we've finally laughed at them long enough.

****************************************************

Investigation at dead end in American University hate crime

Conclusion: Everyone hates as much as he loves. And as much as we all love to love people for what they love... we all love to hate people for what they hate. We also love people for what they hate & hate people for what they love, too. [So it's pointless to toss up this coin.]

****************************************************

Here’s what it takes to whiten teeth

Same thing it takes those big apes at the gym to build up their mountains of muscles: Lots of wasted life going back & forth or up & down. [Probably both.]

****************************************************

Let’s take our kids to work and teach them about inequality

Yeah! We've been working there too long.

****************************************************

What sound does a penguin make?

Sounds like a penguin.

****************************************************

Hundreds evacuated a college library, fearing a gas leak. It was a durian.

Yes, of course! I was abducted by a bunch of durians once & taken to the planet Duro, where I met Mark Twain: [Funny guy.] Then they flew me back to Earth just in time for my release from the asylum.

****************************************************

Trump said it was ‘tough to watch too much’ of the Paralympics. Was it derogatory?

Has Trump ever said anything that was not derogatory? [Google it! Google it!]

****************************************************

Macron and Merkel have handed Trump a road map

Trump doesn't read [maps, anything]. He sez he'll find his own way to the can. "Thank you."

****************************************************

Five myths about artificial intelligence

1) things, objects & other stuff [cars, phones, toasters] will never become as intelligent as people

****************************************************

Almost half of pregnancies in the U.S. are unplanned. There’s a surprisingly easy way to change that.

Cut the pretense and just go on your date with every intention of getting pregnant.

****************************************************

Now Roseanne Barr Dreams Of Being Israel’s Prime Minister

Sez she might not be able to run a country but she can talk trash better than Netanyahu.

****************************************************

Some Democrats Want Clinton To Return DNC’s Money

Clinton can return some purses & shoes & pant dresses she bought with it, but the rest of the cash is gone. Sorry.

****************************************************

Swing back, sweet pendulum!

Coming for to take me some time. Oh!

****************************************************

Does Trump deserve credit for the Korea negotiations?

Yes. Trump is the greatest Korean speaker in all human history.

****************************************************

A rare eye cancer showed up in three friends. Doctors want to know if the cases are connected.

"Who you'all been peeping at?"

****************************************************

Roy Moore lawsuit claims ‘political conspiracy’ against him in Senate race

Sez the aluminum foil he's been wrapping around his head ain't helping him any, either.

****************************************************

Kelly denies calling Trump an ‘idiot,’ says news report is ‘pathetic attempt to smear people’

Sez the last person you call an idiot's an idiot.

****************************************************

What's changed after Netanyahu's show?

'Something' had the BBC used 'presentation' instead of 'show' in its news headline. But same ole/same ole, we see.

****************************************************

Trump wrote own health letter, doctor says

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Kanye West suggests slavery was 'a choice'

The choice of the slave owners, sure.

****************************************************

India worried as Taj Mahal changes colour

Sherwin-Williams already looking into it as a possible new business opportunity.

****************************************************

Many GOP politicians dislike Trump. They’re terrified to admit it.

You know, same as with Satan and all the demons of Hell.

****************************************************

California Man Admits Illegally Importing Protected Fish

Sez he didn't admit to it before because he first had to take it out of his mouth... where he was protecting it.

****************************************************

He bottle-fed a lion cub. Ten years later, it attacked him on video and was shot dead.

Apparently there WERE some parts of LION he didn't understand.

****************************************************

Trump Replaces Ty Cobb With Clinton Impeachment Lawyer

Lawyer not as tough running bases but his spit balls are much more slimy. [And Trump prefers that on his team.]

****************************************************

Mueller and Co. are playing hardball

Shouldn't they be working? [This is why Trump gets away with so much stuff.]

****************************************************

Could you pass Trump's brain test?

You mean how deep the roots of his transpanted ass hair grow? Or whether Trump has one?

****************************************************

Man Accused of Masturbating on Train Rips His Wanted Posters

"Here," he said: "I'll take my pants down right now and you can shoot a much better picture with your phone for my mug shot than that piece of crap up there!"

****************************************************

Don’t pick any of the favorites to win the Kentucky Derby

Put all your money on the nag you know's gonna be coming in last like you normally do.

****************************************************

Bomber kills 2 in attack on Pakistan nuclear agency bus

One good thing is he won't be doing that again.

****************************************************

Giuliani claims Trump ‘immune’ from Mueller subpoena

Sez His Majesty Trump is so far above the law they're constantly having to reel him back down to earth (ten, twelve times per day).

****************************************************

This 104-year old Australian academic wants to die — and Switzerland is ready to help

"Such a waste!" Austria cried out: "We've got a cannibal down here could use a few gamey pounds like that."

****************************************************

Camille Cosby on her husband’s conviction: ‘This is mob justice, not real justice’

Well, Bill Cosby done a whole mob of women wrong, and now is their day of Justice. So mob justice it may well be. Hey, hey, hey.

****************************************************

What Robert Mueller Reportedly Wants To Ask Trump

1) Mumbo Jumbo poopity poo
     I am me--Who are you?

****************************************************

Giuliani is repeating mistakes that brought down previous Trump advisers

Really, how many times these morons gotta be told that Trump doesn't have advisers--what he has is [people who had reputations before he hired them] to act as puppets because he's convinced that making his stupid gibberish come out of their mouths will make it sound intelligent.

****************************************************

Iran pushes app with 'Death to America' emoji

"We're a religious nation," said they: "So the normal thing for us is to wish death on others and, in fact, if they don't die to then go over and butcher them." ["It's in all the religious texts."]

****************************************************

The rise and fall of Brazilian art patron Bernardo Paz

Rose when he had the cash to patronize the arts. Fell when they found out he was broke & they kicked his ass out to the pavement.

****************************************************

I sold all I had to go to Europe - now I'm home, and broke

Then my neighbor told me that our country is part of Europe, and always has been! Damn it!

****************************************************

The woman who watched 300 executions

"The hardest part was framing enough of'em," (when she started running out of people sentenced to death), "so I could break the record."

****************************************************

The Other Reason Trump Hasn't Fired Scott Pruitt: His Evangelical Christian Ties

Sez Pruitt's bow ties are really hypnotic when he twirls them under his chin--You can just make out Jesus in the swirl.

****************************************************

Paris gallery opens its doors to nudists

But fear not: Gallery seats will now be upholstered with toilet paper.

****************************************************

Printing Body Parts in Hospital Shows 3D Tech's Growing Reach

Cut the pretense: They're making sex toys.

****************************************************

Amid Trade Tensions, Merkel Commends Macron's 'Elan'

Macron then commended Merkel's own doggy 'Schpitz'

****************************************************

US college loses weapons-grade plutonium

'If those kids want to have plutonium," said the dean: "They'll just have to order it through the internet like everyone else."

****************************************************

NASA Terminates Last Moon Rover After Trump Touts New Era Of Lunar Exploration

Trump sez Moon Rover will no longer be wider than a mile. And nobody's gonna be crossing it in style any day soon (unless they let his daughter Palanka become an astronaut first).

****************************************************

Is Scott Pruitt the most corrupt member of the Trump administration?

No. Trump is the most corrupt. Then members of his immediate family. After that: extended & distant members of his family. And only after all of those... associates who are not family but only capos like Pruitt.

****************************************************

How many questions could Trump answer in a 2-hour interview with Mueller?

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that question?"

****************************************************

9/11 Mastermind Waterboarded By CIA Has Information To Share About Gina Haspel

Man, this guy's just an incorrigible, terrible, terrible snitch!

****************************************************

Trump thanks federal employees with $143.5 billion in retirement cuts

That is SO like Trump. But, hey: They're not the first Trump's flim-flamed. And they certainly won't be the last. ["Trust me," sez Trump.]

****************************************************

Company sold $25,000 ‘service dogs’ that were really just untrained puppies, Virginia says

In the company' defense: The ads didn't specifically say the 'service dogs' had already been trained. Did they?

****************************************************

Trump just accelerated Iran’s implosion. He won’t like the results.

I'm sorry, were you born yesterday? Or is it that you have no idea who this Trump guy is?

****************************************************

This 104-year-old just died, after making a parting statement about assisted suicide

"Ah! Now this is living!"

****************************************************

Trump muses about yanking news media credentials in response to negative coverage

Sure. Erdogan and Putin do it all the time; so why not Trumpie? Hitler and Stalin were the best at it, though.

****************************************************

Mercedes Expects 3-Way Fight to Continue in Spanish GP

Does not name the other two girls Mercedes is in the fight with--All we know is they obviously must also speak Spanish.

****************************************************

Insurance Companies Unfairly Discriminate Against Mental Illness

In insurance companies' defense: When they tried to discriminate against it fairly, it bit'em in the ass.

****************************************************

Woman married days after losing arm to crocodile

"Men ask for a woman's hand," said the croc: "And we snatch the entire arm."

****************************************************

92-year-old set to become world's oldest elected leader in Malaysia

Supporters debating when to wake him and let him know he has won the election. ["Not until there's a doctor present, though!"]

****************************************************

Philippines to launch first missile-firing assault vessels

Duterte's already ordered the best, strongest rubber bands made in China.

****************************************************

Iranian MP denies Iran has bases in Syria...

Well, sure, now that Israel's destroyed them all.

****************************************************

What happened when I stopped trying to be the best mom and embraced being an okay mom

Your baby just learned to talk & told you where to get off. [from the best-selling It Happens To Each Mom]

****************************************************

We Need To Talk About White People Calling The Cops On People Of Color

Hello, police? There's a strange man outside...

Ma'am, we can't go out after every strange man out there.

He might be black.

Oh? What makes you think he's black?

He's talking to himself, waving his arms about, and he jerks up & down a lot when he walks.

Yeah. He sounds black. Keep your door closed and we'll be there in a jiffy. When we get there keep your head down as low as you can in case he is black.

****************************************************

Der Spiegel Cover Portrays Trump As A Finger Flipping Off Europe

In Trump's defense: He IS a finger flipping off everyone.

****************************************************

At campaign rallies for Republican hopefuls, Trump’s focus is on himself

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Elon Musk’s latest innovation attempt: A SpaceX rocket that can fly twice in one day

Sez that SpaceX's corporate goal is creating a rocket that will fly time after time after time until it just blows up.

****************************************************

Europe faces a wave of freed terror convicts. Is it ready?

In the worst case scenario they can always ask Russia to come in and help them, like Assad.

****************************************************

Putin Scores 5 Goals in Exhibition Hockey Game

Russian police still searching for the bodies of the hockey players in a previous exhibition game in which Putin didn't score any goals at all.

****************************************************

Killers of Mexican Students Dissolved 12 Victims in Acid

In drug cartel assassins' defense: They did try tequila first; but it was a no-go.

****************************************************

Pence says it’s time for special counsel to ‘wrap up’ Russia investigation

The guy is shameless: He just can't wait until Trump's indicted and removed from office so he can take over!

****************************************************

Salma Hayek says change is happening in Hollywood, but male actors should take pay cuts

Male actors immediately heard across Hollywood calling their agents and asking them to negotiate for less money.

****************************************************

Double amputee who his lost his feet climbing Everest 43 years ago finally reaches summit

"Nope: Not up here either!" ["Hope it doesn't also take me 43 years to get to the bottom!"]

****************************************************

A 14th human foot — this one in a hiking boot — washes ashore in Canada

Canadian government proposes classes for its citizens on how to take their shoes off less violently. [You know how forceful those Canadians can be!]

****************************************************

Al Qaeda chief says Tel Aviv also belongs to Muslims

In Al Qaeda chief's defense: The Koran sez the whole world belongs to Islam [or else!], so why not Tel Aviv too.

****************************************************

Surest Way in New York to Face Marijuana Charges: Be Black or Hispanic

Apparently, if a cop don't know whether to deport you or shoot you arresting you for weed is the compromise in NY.

****************************************************

Reasons I May Be Eating Right Now

1) Hungry.

2) I'm at mom's.

3) There's a 2-for-1 special at Dogs Gone.

4) Something's in my mouth & it ain't Joan.

****************************************************

Katy Perry Meets Pope Francis, Speaks At Vatican Conference

Katy said she wants an end to war and for people to love & care for one another. [Pope Francis said he agrees with most of that.]

****************************************************

Mosquito- And Tick-Borne Diseases Have Tripled, But The CDC Won't Say It's Climate Change

They're still insisting it's the ticks and mosquitos themselves.

****************************************************

No, A Monkey Can't Copyright His Selfies, Federal Appeals Court Rules

Monkey now trying to set up a dummy corporation [Mano-A-Mono] to do a work-about the prohibition. Stay tuned.

****************************************************

Trump Declares Hawaii’s Devastating Eruptions A Major Disaster

Classic from The Annals of Pot Calling The Kettle Black.

****************************************************

Pink Had A Badass Response To A Troll Who Said She Looked Old

"Ha! Joke's on you, you sonnabitch: I'm really a LOT older than I look!"

****************************************************

Larry Nassar’s Victims To Receive $500 Million In Michigan State Settlement

Michigan State tells employees: "See, this is why we haven't been giving you guys raises all these years."

****************************************************

ETHICS OFFICE FLAGS TRUMP’S 100K PAYMENT TO COHEN

Trump fires everybody in Ethics Office (none of whom had apparenly heard that Trump has no ethics whatsoever, poor bastards).

****************************************************

Indian-American Rep. Tactfully Responds To Caller Who Questions Her Citizenship

The only reason you are a citizen is because the constitution says how & why you are a citizen, same as with everyone else who is a citizen.

****************************************************

World slams disproportionate force in Gaza as IDF kills dozens of Gazans

"All the Gazans want is to run into Israel and butcher as many Jews as possible--Is that really too much to ask?!?"

****************************************************

SpaceX's Upgraded Rocket Soars With Satellite for Bangladesh

Guess Bangladesh must be up from where they fired the rocket.

****************************************************

Cancer Docs Feel Unprepared, but Recommend Marijuana Anyway

Say dope makes them feel better about all their medical school failures & setbacks & shit.

****************************************************

Israel Protests at Televised Turkish Airport Patdown of Its Envoy

This is absolutely Israel's fault: It should've known that you don't go live with a pack of dogs and expect to not be bitten.

****************************************************

What would you do with $300 million to improve Miami Beach? The city wants to know.

I would move to Vegas. Hell, all my neighbors at the Beach're trying to crowdfund me outta there now.

****************************************************

Did he act as the lookout for gold bar heist? Suspect says he was just along for the ride

So the Judge told him he was to get off soon as he got to the clinker.

****************************************************

The Latest: Seattle approves business tax for homelessness

From now on if your business is being homeless in Seatle you're no longer going to be able to ride the gravy train.

****************************************************

As D.I.Y. Gene Editing Gains Popularity, ‘Someone Is Going to Get Hurt’

Probably the guy whose genes they're editing: "Let's see what he looks like with hands in place of ears." ["What were we thinking, right!"] "A head that can take off its hat by itself?"

****************************************************

Polish soccer fans accidentally lit their own stadium on fire

Obviously ignored the First Rule of Polish Lawbreakers: "Find a policeman and ask him if you're at the bank which you intend to rob."

****************************************************

Do more people believe in God in Trump's America?

Gotta: Everybody knows God's a brutal merciless butcher [there is NO such thing as a good "act of God"], so people turning more evil by the minute now shows God is definitely in the mix here.

****************************************************

The only pancakes worth getting out of bed for on a lazy Sunday

Those somebody else made. [What'd you think!]

****************************************************

This new Oreo flavor tastes like floor cleaner

"Wow! We didn't think anybody'd get it this quickly." [But, really: Who knew there was anybody out there sipping floor cleaner?]

****************************************************

The Farm Bill Could Be A Huge Blow To Animals

Cows are threatening to moo.

****************************************************

While Black: Have You Been Profiled? Share Your Story.

Yes: While I was black I was profiled. So I decided to go back to being white & that fixed it: Cops that used to drag me outta my car through the window now wave at me & wish me a good day. [from the best-setting Once You're White You Never Go Black]

****************************************************

Teacher Caught On Video Drowning Raccoons With Students

Police investigating raccoon drownings as possible cruelty to animals. It will be up to the parents whether drowning students should also be investigated.

****************************************************

Late passenger attempts to break into plane

"Sir, please get off the wing: You keep making the plane bank to the right!"

****************************************************

Calling immigrants ‘animals,’ Trump evokes an ugly history of dehumanization

Congratulations Donald Trump on so corrupting the humanity of those who heard you say this & other barbarities that none of them ever voices an objection.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: Try as we may, we can’t turn a blind eye to tragedy

Nonsense: First, make sure one of your eyes is blind. [Or blind it.]

****************************************************

Kerry says civil discourse is under threat around the world

Yeah, but he's a dickhead.

****************************************************

Japanese and Macedonian climbers die on Mount Everest

The good news is: If nobody died climbing Mount Everest everybody'd lose interest in trying to get themselves killed climbing it. So this is definitely a win-win.

****************************************************

Security Council mulls mission to protect Palestinians

To protect Palestinians or to protect Hamas? Because if they really wanted to protect Palestinians all they'd have to do is kill Hamas.

****************************************************

You’re not doing anything wrong when it comes to wine

Just guzzle it. You'll be ok.

****************************************************

Man Yelling About Trump Opens Fire In President’s Florida Golf Club

Sez Trump stiffed him for five hot dogs and he'd like to be paid!

****************************************************

Belarus restores ties with Sweden after teddy bear rift

Half the cocaine in the teddy bear will go to Belarus and the other half will go to Sweden.

****************************************************

Bear researcher in 'dream job' attacked by grizzly

Lesson #1. Grizzly bears do not like to be tickled (even in your wildest dreams).

****************************************************

US student's 'Summa cum laude' graduation cake censored

Store sez these days Mister Summa only comes without laude.

****************************************************

Ariana Grande offers message of hope on attack anniversary

It was accompanied by jiggling of tits, crotch peeks & ass teasing in order to keep the audience's hopes up.

****************************************************

Sweden to distribute brochure in case of crisis or war

Brochure can be easily folded and placed comfortably over the head of a Swede (which is on average larger than the European head).

****************************************************

Palestinian plea to ICC could speed up war crime probe

Hot dog! A pogrom!

****************************************************

Novelist laments Gaza deaths

Typical novelist: Now he's into lamenting them, but where was he when it was still possible to try to prevent them! [That's why I only read historians.]

****************************************************

Teen who started massive Oregon wildfire with fireworks must pay $36 million, judge rules

Teen will now have to extend his paper route.

****************************************************

U.S. Citizens Detained By Border Patrol Agent For ‘Speaking Spanish’
The two women were told that they were speaking Spanish in a state that's "predominantly English-speaking."

Thankfully they were also wearing shoes in a state where people predominantly wear shoes, so the two cancelled out each other.

****************************************************

Sweden adopts law that says non-consensual sex is rape

Other laws adopted that day:

Not paying for what you take from a store is stealing.

Smashing someone's head in with a sledgehammer is murder.

Getting yourself elected president of the United States just to benefit yourself financially is Trump's thing.

****************************************************

If Kim Keeps Nuclear Arms, Can Trump Still Claim Victory?

Kim can do Trump doggy-style and Trump will claim victory without batting an eyelash. This is Trump we're talking about here, not somebody who can recognize the truth or concede reality.

****************************************************

Amazon defends giving police face ID tech

In Amazon's defense: Cops out-bid the criminals.

****************************************************

Plaster falls from La Scala arches, no one injured

Property manager asking singers to please try to keep their high notes a little lower from now on.

****************************************************

Horse whisperer helps stress sufferers

Next up: How to convince some really unwound dudes that they're not horses.

****************************************************

Collins: How Trump Gets Into Your Bed

Great, another bedbug story.

****************************************************

UK man convicted in attempted parachute murder

His attempt to murder his victim by dropping down [as opposed to dropping up] on his head from a plane failed when his parachute opened.

****************************************************

Editorial: If Addiction Is a Disease, Why Is Relapsing a Crime?

When you're addicted to cracking banks you gotta expect some consequences.

****************************************************

Plastic cutlery, plates could be banned in the EU

Yes! Send the poor back to eating with their fingers! [This is The Age of Trump.]

****************************************************

Olympian Gus Kenworthy Mourns Death Of Dog He Adopted From Meat Farm

Does not say whether he gave the dead dog back to the meat farm or it went to waste.

****************************************************

Want to Make Money Like a C.E.O.? Work for 275 Years

Well, I worked for what seems like 275 years but I got nowheres what seems like C.E.O. money!

****************************************************

Bishop Michael Curry Joins Christian March To White House To ‘Reclaim Jesus’

Why doesn't it surprse me Trump's kidnapped Jesus and is holding him hostage?

****************************************************

Newest Head Cracker: Do You Hear 'Brainstorm' Or 'Green Needle'?

Neither. The only thing I'm hearing at the moment is: "Kill'em! Kill'em all!"

****************************************************

'I woke up and didn't recognise my wife'

Do what I do and don't open your eyes until after she's put on her makeup.

****************************************************

Turkish ambassador returns to US post after Jerusalem spat

Sez that's the only way Erdogan can recall him again on the next US-Turkish spat.

****************************************************

Kim Jong Un complains of US 'hegemonism' as summit nears

Kim thinks that might be what's causing his morbid obesity.

****************************************************

‘Racism is not a known side effect,’ Ambien maker says after Roseanne Barr blames it for tweets

Nevertheless, Roseanne's lawyer sez she's suing Ambien for not listing racism as one of its possible side-effects.

****************************************************

Pushing the envelope: Why was Kim's letter for Trump so big?

1) Because this is the first letter Kim has ever written to Santa Claus

2) Because Kim's been told Trump can't read more'm 2 words per page

****************************************************

Space Station Accepts Special Delivery From Virginia

Delivery man blows up outside Space Station putting his pen back in his spacesuit.

****************************************************

Michelle Wolf: ‘Roseanne’ Shouldn’t Have Been Revived To Begin With

"How many times we gotta tell you this: You do NOT resurrect the Frankenstein monster!"

****************************************************

US military plans for future at Guantanamo because of Trump

Hey, if the military believes that's the best place for Trump to serve out his sentence, then who am I to disagree with the milityary?

****************************************************

North Korea-US summit goes through many twists

C'mon, ya gotta've seen this coming from a couple of snakes!

****************************************************

Highlights from Putin's call-in show

"Hello, Vlad? This is your Mother! You know I taught you better than this..." [Click.]

****************************************************

Kim Jong Un impersonator detained in Singapore

They'd like to train him to step in in case the real Un is shot dead by his generals (or by Trump).

****************************************************

Why You Like Listening To The Same Song Over And Over Again

Because I'm too old now to remember how to turn off the damn thing!

****************************************************

NASA Finds Concentrated Batch Of Organic Molecules On Mars

NASA scientists hoping it's an old piss.

****************************************************

Avengers superfan watches film 43 times

Coroner thinks he might have been alive through at least 3 of the showings.

****************************************************

He’s pro-incest, pedophilia and rape. He’s also running for Congress.

What, don't the piece-o-craps in our society also have a right to be represented?

****************************************************

An FBI agent did a back flip in a club, dropped his gun and accidentally shot someone, police say

He got a 9.7 score from the crowd of drunks. [Now let's see what a sober judge scores him.]

****************************************************

The United Nations says Trump is making life harder for the poor

And Trump responded: "Awwwwww..."

****************************************************

Ticketfly has been hacked. Here’s what you need to know.

Ask Putin where he does his money biz: He's never been hacked.

****************************************************

Home security camera shows Florida panther attack house cat

House cat is clearly heard hollering: "Say what?!"

****************************************************

Snake slithers out of car’s air vent as Virginia woman is driving

"And that, officer," explained the snake, "Is how I ended up driving this baby down the road all by my lonely."

****************************************************

Report: Gazans to dress like concentration camp prisoners in protest

Members of Hamas will, of course, be dressing in Nazi guard uniforms. [Don't forget your cameras!] And as it's all just a costume party there will be no need to square any of it with their everyday rabid denial of the Holocaust.

****************************************************

Trump Supports Relaxing Federal Pot Laws, In Blow To Jeff Sessions

And no, Trump won't fire Sessions: When the gods made Sessions look like a scaredy mouse they were not only giving anybody who looks at him the heads up on his nature, but, let's face it, he's the only rat in the Trump administration that actually looks like rodent.

In defense of separating immigrant families, Sessions cites same Bible passage used to defend slavery

****************************************************

Here’s How You Can Tell When It’s Time For A Career Move

1) your paycheck comes printed on a pink slip

****************************************************

Brazil presidential contender criticizes rival's candidacy

This, of course, was unimaginably unexpected.

****************************************************

In the Age of Trump, Civics Courses Make a Comeback

Nothing like living in the Age of Trump to remind us that we are not yet civilized.

****************************************************

Lawyers Ask ICE to Stop Deportation of Delivery Man

This is such a waste of resources: Just deport the guy, have him sneak back in, and give him a job delivering something else for the next ten years he's here until they catch him again.

****************************************************

Fact-Check of the Day: Trump Considers Pardoning Muhammad Ali, Whose Conviction Was Already Overturned

Brilliant! Now, if they can find other ways to make Trump believe he's the one producing reality [after the fact] we might yet be able to survive the last couple of years he's in office!

****************************************************

Supercomputer Does 6.3 Billion Years’ Work in Just a Second

Now we'll be able to build more houses for the poor every hour of every day than there are atoms in the infinite nothingness!

****************************************************

Trump reveals that the first lady is under doctors’ orders not to fly for a month

Peter Pan will be flying to the summit solo.

****************************************************

The Rich Are Planning to Leave This Wretched Planet

But don't worry: I'm sure there will be plenty of openings for maids, toilet scrubbers, dish washers and other indispensable slaves on the mothership.

****************************************************

Can One Suicide Lead to Others?

No. Once you've committed suicide, that's the end right there.

****************************************************

Owners: Triple Crown Winner Justify Will Race Again

Why?!? He can earn so much more just sitting at home masturbating.

****************************************************

‘Sex Workers Are Business People:’ 5 Porn Stars Respond to Giuliani

It's just that they do business wih their business.

****************************************************

Syria's Assad denies Russia makes decisions for him

Sez Putin told him it was ok to say this.

****************************************************

I don’t like going outside. How can I stop my boyfriend from making me ‘go out and enjoy the weather’?

1) get a new boyfriend
2) just say NO
3) pay a bully to beat'im up every time he sees him outside

****************************************************

When it comes to AI and weapons, the tech world needs philosophers

No it does not: There will never be a lack of people to justify the worst.

****************************************************

Jared Kushner, Ivanka Trump Made $82 Million While Working In The White House

Yeah, but their job is "sitting pretty" (and that's not something just any old Jack & Judy can pull off).

****************************************************

How you can unsend that Snapchat message you accidentally sent to your ex

"Hello, Carrie? Listen: DO NOT open that message I just sent you. But, if you do: DO NOT let the police see it!"

****************************************************

There’s no defending Trump’s North Korea performance

I'm sorry, you know of any Trump performance that is not completely indefensible?

****************************************************

After summit, North Korea shows Trump in new light

"We were mistaken: That's Mister Putin there."

****************************************************

What Is Sadness, and What Is Depression?

Sadness is missing your bus.
Depression is when the next bus runs you over.

****************************************************

UK soldier gets 18 years for tampering with wife's parachute

Soldier claims he was just trying to get his wife home quick as he could so she'd have dinner ready by the time he touched down.

****************************************************

Banksy print worth $45K stolen from art exhibit, caught on camera

Apparently the thieves couldn't figure out how to unhook the Bankey from the camera, so they just left it there hanging from it.

****************************************************

Stephen Hawking's ashes buried at Westminster Abbey

Hawking was a chain smoker, so his ashes apparently piled up over time. [Heirs now trying to figure out what to do with his dandruff, as Stephen was also known to be a flaky gent.]

****************************************************

Donkeys stolen, skinned to feed Chinese demand

Did not know there was that much demand in China to watch donkeys being skinned.

****************************************************

EPA Moves To Replace Obama-Era Rule Protecting Drinking Water For 117 Million

Could be this was harming the ability to start the new Trump Bottled Water company.

****************************************************

Why Was a Healthy Man Nauseated by Food?

Well, sometimes after two-three hours of wolfing it down the only way a man can be stopped eating his food is by it getting him nauseated.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: A woman backs out of a trip, and her friend goes to a dark place

Wonder what kind of ad the dark place put up to make the friend still want to go there after the Sun-loving woman backed out & went to the beach instead?

****************************************************

Director's Tesla bursts into flames in LA

Well, of course it burst into flames: You are NOT supposed to gas up an electric car! [Read the sticker.]

****************************************************

Trump claims FBI 'plotting' though report found no bias

New Webster definition for "paranoid behavior." [Look it up yerself.]

****************************************************

Riders plunge 34 feet, 6 injured in roller coaster derail

Coaster owners now plan to rename it The Geronimo!

****************************************************

When the cop pulled him over for DUI, he had a beer in his hand. Then he chugged it.

Ha! Now let the stupid cop try to prove that he had any beer with him.

****************************************************

French authorities thwart jihadi attack on swinger's club

"Luckily they were all naked in there, so the machine gun was easy to spot."

****************************************************

Democrats intensify fight for immigrant children — and bash Trump, GOP ahead of midterms

I don't quite understand why kidnapper-in-chief "The Donald" doesn't just phone Chuck & Nancy and demand they give him all the billions in (unmarked non-sequential wall money) ransom he's asking for the return of the screaming little kids he's holding from their parents as hostages... so this unprecedented presidential kidnapping doesn't go on & on showing him & his GOP gang for the heartless scumrats they are!

I am almost certainly sure that once Chuck Schumer & Nancy Pelosi understand just how god-awful Trump's hostage taking of the little kids from their parents is making the Republicans look Chuck & Nancy will RUSH to hand over all the ransom money Trump's asking for... and probably even a fully fueled getaway (to Mar-a-Lago) airplane too for the entire GOP kidnapping gang to take off in with the loot. [from the best-selling The Art of The Deal by I. M. A. Genieous]

****************************************************

Trump, in reversal, says he will sign order to end family separations at border

Not because of the harm it's doing to the children, of course, but because it's costing Trump. [Now watch Trump proclaim himself the saviour and liberator of all those kids.]

Hey, you wanted a vile creep for your president--you got a vile creep for your president: Enjoy!

****************************************************

Rats shred banknotes inside India ATM

In the rats' defense: What else are rats supposed to do with other people's money?

****************************************************

There are more guns than people in the United States, according to a new study of global firearm ownership

Naturally! Don't most people have TWO hands!

****************************************************

Miami has a new wild ass, and here's how you can meet him

Follow the piles?

****************************************************

Trump Is Either Woefully Misinformed About Family Separations Or Is Lying

The 64 cent question?

****************************************************

Four questions to ask before buying a rental property

1) If it's a rental, how come I gotta buy it?!?

****************************************************

This start-up can make avocados last twice as long before going bad

What? Now I gotta wait longer to throw them out?!?

****************************************************

Kathy Griffin Says ‘F**k You’ To ‘Feckless Piece Of S**t’ Melania Trump

Trump Calls De Niro 'Very Low IQ Individual' for Tony Awards Outburst

When will these celebrities learn that ya can't make crap crappier! Guys: Trump is an absolute. [Live with it.]

****************************************************

You Could Be in a Gay Bar Right Now and Not Even Know It

I thought my livingroom looked a bit different.

****************************************************

Editorial: Do Poor People Have a Right to Health Care?

Answer: No! [from the best-selling Who Told Poor People They Were People? by Som Trump]

****************************************************

The question isn’t when is the next recession is coming; it’s what are we going to do about it.

What Trump's doing: Move your businessness anywhere other than the United States NOW.

****************************************************

Trump Uses Random Uppercase Letters on Twitter, but Should You?

In Trump's defense: He was too busy working as a leg-breaker for his old man & kicking out tenants who fell behind on their rent in his tenements as a kid to go to school and learn to write properly.

****************************************************

Why isn’t Trump bragging about his NATO successes?

Answer: Because there's no room in an entire universe filled to its toupée with bragging for any additional bragging. [from the best-selling I Is A Fat Braggart by I. M. Number II]

****************************************************

Koko, the beloved gorilla that learned to communicate using sign language, has died

"The last thing she signed," said her keeper, "was a raised middle finger." ["We're still trying to figure out what she meant."]

****************************************************

XXXTentacion: Controversial rapper shot dead in Florida aged 20

God, what a loss! Think of all the harm he could've done in this world!

No One Knows How To Mourn Abusers Like XXXTentacion. There’s A Reason For That.

****************************************************

Trump Says Mexico Doing Nothing ‘Except Taking Our Money And Sending Us Drugs’

Hey, stupid: I very much doubt they'd send them to us out of the sheer kindness of their hearts. [What a moronski!]

****************************************************

In India, rats have a $19,000 meal

Ewh, dozens of Trump administration rats in this country have lots more expensive meals than that every day of the week with money that could have fed millions of hungry Americans instead.

****************************************************

A Canal Through Turkey? Presidential Vote Is a Test of Erdogan’s Building Spree

In Erdogan's defense: All dictators go on massive building sprees when they get hold of their nation's purse strings--It's only human nature to go on buying sprees when one suddenly comes into an unexpected boatload of unearned money.

****************************************************

The man who was fired by a machine

"You are broken."

****************************************************

Analysis: Why Republicans have long wanted to shut the Education Department

Hint: Except for those who study only how best to succeed at crime, the best educated citizens in a civilization always tend to vote more ethically.

****************************************************

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Was Asked to Leave Restaurant Over Her White House Work

"No Trumps Allowed" [Guess ya gotta start somewhere.]

****************************************************

Regions With Highest Opioid Use Voted For Trump, Study Finds

2016 Trump support was greatest in areas with highest rates of painkiller use, study finds

Well, Trump IS a pain. So I guess it makes sense that the people most medicated against pain would vote for him.

****************************************************

Katie Arrington, who defeated GOP Rep. Mark Sanford, is seriously hurt in car crash

"Gotta watch what I wish for, I guess." [from the best-selling God Trumps Trump by Jesus Gomes] And, ironically enough, she was hit by a White driver who now is with Jesus!

****************************************************

Shawn Springs got bashed in the head in the NFL. Now he’s building a business out of that.

Shawn Springs For Your Head

****************************************************

Theme park lets heavier women in free

Say they'll make it up on the treats.

****************************************************

Ex-Trump Campaign Official Says Black Fox Guest Out Of His ‘Cotton-Picking Mind’

Of course: Black people spend all day out in that hot Sun picking cotton before coming into the studio, so their brains are bound to be a mite fried by the time the show starts!

****************************************************

Israeli debate champs beat computer, just barely

Yeah?--Yeah!--Yeah?--Yeah!--Yeah?--Yeah!--Yeah?--Yeah times a zillion--Zillion does not compute--We win!

****************************************************

Secret to Perfect Popcorn Is in Your Cupboard

That's why my popcorn sucks: Too old now to remember where I put my damn cupboard!

****************************************************

Kushner Questions Abbas’s Ability to Make Peace

Abbas counters that any idiot can make peas. ["That's why your Daddy-in-Low sent you here."]

****************************************************

Pakistan’s Taliban Names New Leader After U.S. Drone Strike

So... what, Ahmed's name is "Pifuwakata!" now?

****************************************************

Skip Due Process for Those Who Enter Illegally, Trump Says

Sure! And if that works out well, let's then try it out on the people here legally... like those who vote Democrat. [And why not? "If Trump sez so--it's so!" from the best-seller Shoot The Judges by DJ Trump]

****************************************************

Turkey's Erdogan wins sweeping new powers after poll victory

A lot of foolish people in the West think it's sad that Erdogan won, but what they don't realize is that Erdogan is the true face of Islamic Turkey. And his victory will make it clearer than ever to see the folly of continuing to try to bring in a Muslim country into Europe.

****************************************************

North Korea’s ‘anti-U.S.-imperialism’ rally will not be held this year

It will instead be replaced by the Trump Military Dream Parade.

****************************************************

Extinct Gibbon Found in Ancient Chinese Tomb

I was looking for that!

****************************************************

Jogger: US held me for accidental border crossing

That was stupid of her! If she'd only said that she crossed on purpose they would have kicked her out on the spot.

****************************************************

Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ Restaurant Tweet Was Illegal, Says Ex-Ethics Chief

In Sarah Huckabee Sanders's defense: Her tweet actually brought a lot of kudos for the restaurant that kicked her out on her ass.

****************************************************

You can smell Trump’s fear

That could just be that old people like Trump simply don't bathe as often as they should. [Where's that hot young sponge nurse of his, Melania?]

****************************************************

What is the U.S. position on the Golan?

None: The U.S. is not on the Golan but in North America.

****************************************************

Harley Davidson: What Trump-supporting owners say about the president’s fight with the company

"Help! My pet snake done bit me in the ass!"

****************************************************

Trump says he’s ‘surprised’ Harley-Davidson is moving work overseas after tariffs take effect

Yeah! Wonder why Harley-Davidson doesn't just go bankrupt to honor Trump?

****************************************************

‘People are so sensitive’: 50 Cent doubles down after mocking Terry Crews over sexual assault claim

Jealousy, thy price is 50 cent.

****************************************************

Ticketmaster UK says customer info may have been stolen

Great, now everybody's gonna know I went to that romantic sissy movie!

****************************************************

Musk accused of stealing farting unicorn

Guess ya gots'ta keep that Musk up somehow.

****************************************************

Syrians fleeing fighting call on Israel to save them

"Dear Jews: If you save us we promise that we won't slaughter you while we're under your protection. You can trust us: You know we Arabs are a very patient people."

****************************************************

National Review columnist defends the Spanish Inquisition

I'm sorry, did Trump just take the world back a couple of more centuries again while I was taking my nap?

****************************************************

He was playing his radio too loud, then got choked by a cop. Now, he wants the city to pay

Sez the radio he had welded to his teeth is busted. [And it cost him an arm & a leg to have his dentist weld it in there!]

****************************************************

He took a girl home from the bar. When he woke up, he told cops, $70,000 was stolen.

That's how you learn that if you have $70,000 in cash lying around your pad, you shouldn't invite any old stranger in for some drinks.

****************************************************

Trump gets prank call on Air Force One

"Hello, is this Coo-Coo Man Trump?"

"Yes. Who is this?"

****************************************************

The old meth-taped-to-privates smuggling ploy busted at Keys jail, cops say

Inmates kept complaining that their meth smelled funny.

****************************************************

How would you spend $400 million in Miami? City can't decide.

1) buy a ticket on the first plane out that doesn't cavity search you for large amounts of cash

****************************************************

AT&T is hiking the price of DirecTV Now, despite promising lower consumer prices in the Time Warner trial

Ah! Nothing like living in the age of Trump!

****************************************************

I don’t want to spank my sassy 4-year-old. What should I do instead?

Waterboard him: You're in the Trump Age now, baby!

****************************************************

A jewel thief swallowed the evidence. Now he's not going anywhere until he poops, cops say

Cops already have a recording of Bette Davis's "What a dump!" ready.

****************************************************

Trump weighs top picks for Supreme Court amid last-minute maneuvering

Naturally, Trump wants the fattest possible pick so that the court weighs in his favor.

****************************************************

REPORT: EPA WITHHELD BOMBSHELL ASSESSMENT
Agency Sitting On Warnings About Cancer-Causing Chemical

Isn't the EPA charged by Trump's Law to keep people from finding out which poisons are killing them so that the chemical companies can keep making money selling poisons?!? [from the best-selling Die, Baby, Die by Prune Pruitt]

****************************************************

Elon Musk Sends Engineers to Offer Expertise in Cave Rescue

Musk engineers propose shooting high voltage electricity through the cave in order to evaporate all the water flooding it.

Thai Cave Rescuer Explains Why Elon Musk’s Rescue Idea Wouldn’t Have Worked

1) would have turned boys in cave into hot dogs
2) would have required more electricity than the whole of Thailand uses

****************************************************

Baltimore man exonerated of murder after 30 years in prison

To make it up to him for the time he spent in prison he will now be allowed one murder in Baltimore on the house.

****************************************************

Dog That Starred In Bush’s Baked Beans Ads Dies

(This is why I slip my wife's dog Bully all them beans.)

****************************************************

Poll: Palestinians favor jailed leader Barghouthi as Abbas successor

Sorry: Jack The Ripper was not available.

****************************************************

Stork lands charity with huge phone bill

In the stork's defense: It was only trying to give parents a heads-up.

****************************************************

'I'm the smartest man in Africa'

What, did Trump finally admit that he acts like an African dictator?

****************************************************

Giuliani works for foreign clients while serving as Trump’s attorney

Naturally, that way he can efficiently advance one client's interests in advancing his other client's interests. Duh! [from the best-selling Stuff One Learns In Law School by D. Consigliere]

****************************************************

Trump Stance on Breast-Feeding Is Criticized by Experts

In Trump's defense: He knows more about breast-feeding than all the experts out there put together.

****************************************************

A mega-heat wave is gaining strength over Texas and the south-central United States

Good! Good! That's where most of those climate change deniers (voters) live. See how they like it now, baby.

Trump makes good on threat to target an additional $200 billion in Chinese imports with tariffs

Good! Good! Make the American voters pay hard cash for electing the moron president.

****************************************************

Trump is poisoning NATO. Why?

Answer: Who doesn't know by now Putin enjoys watching his lackeys poisoning his enemies?

****************************************************

The Latest: Trump questions value of NATO, slams Germany

Of course: NATO stands in the way of Putin stealing bits & pieces of Europe, as with Crimea & chunks of the Ukraine.

****************************************************

Televangelist, followers detained by Turkish police

If all Christian clerics would be prosecuted by Muslims & all Muslim clerics prosecuted by Christians we might finally begin at last to get rid of our ignorance & superstition once & for all.

****************************************************

Private tax collection agencies lose money while going after the poor

They should go after the banks, like Dillinger.

****************************************************

Costco is taking Polish hot dogs off its food court menu. Fans are grieving — and angry.

"When we look at a hot dog we don't want to see it unpolished!" ["Who eats unpolished hot dogs?!"] Damn you, Costco!

****************************************************

Why it’s particularly odd for Trump to fixate on NATO’s GDP spending requirements

Not odd at all: People who fixate or obsess on one single thing usually do so because their brains just can't handle more than one thing. If at that.

****************************************************

Rat triggers blackout at Australian ballet

It was a Republican rat (who thought the ballet was too gay). [From now on Republicans attending the ballet will be seated farther away from the fuse box.]

****************************************************

The Mucus-Shooting Worm-Snail That Turned Up in the Florida Keys

It's old, and slow (of course). And it coughs a lot. Just like most everyone else that eventually turns up in South Florida.]

****************************************************

As Trump Insults NATO, Merkel Hesitates to Take Him On Alone

Well, remember she's got a cat (to protect from "that" Trump).

****************************************************

The Latest: Trump looking forward to tea with queen

Asks whether queen's cat is a Persian or a Siamese.

****************************************************

Syrian school books under Assad preach jihad, hatred of Israel, U.S.

Right, and now they're paying the price for it. Maybe if they were to start peaching peace & all that love thy neighbor crap they might do better.

****************************************************

Cheese. Cosmetics. Cat Treats. Are those monthly subscription boxes actually saving you money?

If they ever do one single instant would not go by before all those subscriptions would be rescinded there & then.

****************************************************

Ryan chides Trump on trade, cautioning that China stands to gain global status

I'm sorry, but aren't those Trump's marching orders from Putin? [If Trump quacks he is Putin's duck.]

****************************************************

Opinion | All Christians Are Problematic, Even Me And You

Not to mention proper English usage.

****************************************************

Ed Bearss went to his first All-Star Game in 1933. This week he’ll go to his second.

Somebody just told him baseball is still being played.

****************************************************

Legal Marijuana in New Jersey Is So Close You Can Smell It

"Oh, it's been close for years."

****************************************************

You bought a ton of summer produce at the farmers market. This is what you cook with it.

Cattle feed.

****************************************************

Ancient 'Iceman' Shows Signs of a Well-Balanced Last Meal

Anybody need any more proof that those things can kill ya?!

****************************************************

NFL Notebook: McCoy's Ex-Girlfriend Alleges Possible Setup

I'm sorry, but isn't "LeSean" Spanish for "pig"?

****************************************************

Trump persists in his push for friendly ties with Putin despite Russia indictments

After latest indictments, Schumer calls on Trump to cancel summit with Putin

Of course that's never gonna happen--Schumer's just too slow-witted to grasp that Trump is Putin's creature. [But, don't worry: Schumer'll get in it another year or so & stop wasting his time stupidly asking Trump to do things like this.]

****************************************************

Neanderthals could start fires with their stone tools, new study suggests

That would explain why the damn firebugs were all prosecuted out of existence then.

****************************************************

Israel Passes Law to Say It Is Nation-State of Jewish People

Israel lives in an ocean of countries that proclaim themselves nations only of Islamic People. So, pardon them. [It would be suicidal in such a neighborhood for Israel to leave the way open for a non-Jewish majority deciding someday whether Isreal will or will not also be a nation only for Islamic People.] Soon as all the Muslim nations there are democratic and egalitarian, then by all means condemn Israel if it is not also democratic and egalitarian too.

****************************************************

Why would someone try to pass off 10 million bottles of cheap Spanish rosé as French? American demand.

"So, all this 'Vino Francés' is French?" ["Si."]

****************************************************

Up, Up And No Way! Greenpeace Protest Paraglider Buzzes Trump At Turnberry.

Noticed them draft dodger's spurs of Trump didn't keep him from skedaddling pretty good when he saw that paraglider flying towards him.

****************************************************

Opinion | Standing Next To Putin, Trump Chooses Russia Over America

"May Putin forgive our trespasses and all who trespass against Putin," prayed Trump.

****************************************************

A Maryland bakery temporarily closed after video of a rat scurrying over pastries went viral

Aww! And here I thought all those little rat footprints on their pastries were so cute!

****************************************************

Hulk Hogan reinstated to WWE Hall of Fame after suspension over racist tirade

Ya mean he was suspended before his racist tirade & reinstated now because of it?! Or...

****************************************************

Pretzels to replace peanuts on Southwest flights

"From now on Mister Pretzels will be searched for stale peanuts whenever he boards our planes."

****************************************************

Trump Claims He Misspoke When He Defended Putin At The Russia Summit

Ask Trump: Is that the only thing you're all mixed-up about or is your brain just simply all mixed-up all the time all over the place?

****************************************************

Is Donald Trump even in charge of this government?

Man, let's hope not!

****************************************************

Tech leaders: Killer robots would be ‘dangerously destabilizing’ force in the world

Sez we should stick with our regular killers.

****************************************************

Trump lashes out at Cohen’s secret recording: ‘Your favorite President did nothing wrong’

Is the Cockroach President crying out again against being stepped on & crushed?

****************************************************

Senate Condemns Vladimir Putin’s Request To Interview U.S. Officials

Can they do that? Isn't Putin the de facto President of America now?

****************************************************

Rescuers Try To Track Burro Spotted With Arrow In His Head

Steve Martin stubbonly refuses to be saved. Sez, "It's a comedy bit, stupid!"

****************************************************

Fact: Trump’s moral and ethical qualities come up short

Insulting maybe, but preferable to Trump's more familiar attributes of depraved reprobate and notorious thief, brazen and immoral liar and adulterer, cheat without a shred of conscience, vile spineless coward and outrageous hypocrite, traitor, and utterly shamelessly persistent and consistent back-stabber of friend & foe alike. [Also: The Stiffer of All Employees--But didn't want to pile it on.]

****************************************************

Psychologists Are Trying To Figure Out Why We Don’t Go To Sleep (Even When We Want To)

Aw, go to sleep already why don'cha!

I'm trying to!

Well you're not trying hard enough!

I am! I am!

****************************************************

Python Slithers Away From Home, Winds Up In Man’s Toilet Miles Away

Owners don't want it now.

****************************************************

Trump has now walked back his walk-back on U.S. intelligence and Russia

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Got A Zeptosecond? Scientists Just Measured The Shortest Unit Of Time Ever

Sorry. No: The Shortest Unit Of Time Ever is not equivalent to moving a Planck Length at the speed of light--It's the fastest one can move between a singularity and the nearest thing to it. [Obviously this is just an opinion.]

****************************************************

Trump's Press Office Confuses Britain's PM With Porn Star

In their defense: Trump's Press Office is dealing more in porn these days than in almost anything else.

****************************************************

Another Cockroach Gets Stuck In Someone's Head (Ew!)

Yeah, but if ya don't dips them in glue first they just run right off your head!

****************************************************

Police Save Puppy From Overdosing On Heroin

Where's this puppy getting the dough to be able to afford heroin?!?

****************************************************

Man Charged With Attempted Murder in Mannequin Hammer Attack

Mannequin too broken up to speak. But it should be duct-taped just fine in time for the trial.

****************************************************

Nude Man Exercising At Planet Fitness ‘Thought It Was A Judgment-Free Zone’

Same thing happened to me when I showed up for my court date.

****************************************************

Trump: Russia Will Push Hard for Democrats in November Election

Man, this is one shameless sonavabitch.

****************************************************

Key West mayoral candidate says 'God told me to run'

Doctors later pulled three bullets from his back.

****************************************************

Trilobites: Why Are Some Crows Committing Acts of Necrophilia?

Oddly enough, it would've been misleading to write: "Why Are Some Crows Eating Crow?"

****************************************************

Poland's Baltic closed to bathers due to bacteria growth

 "Roll on, thou deep and dark blue Ocean – roll!
  Ten thousand fleets sweep over thee in vain;
  Man marks the earth with ruin – his control
  Stops with the shore..."

[Byron's poem written just 206 years ago.]

****************************************************

A Toys R Us death blow: Mattel to lay off 2,200 workers

About time Trumpism trickled down to the kiddies and instead of wasting their time with toys, we stick'em in a factory to do some useful work for a change! [And pay their taxes.]

****************************************************

Spirit passengers on Fort Lauderdale-bound flight sickened by ‘dirty socks’ stink

Ok, maybe I should've kept my shoes on.

****************************************************

Iowa Farmers Wary of Aid, Trade Wars but Still Turn Out for Trump

Racism is a hard addiction to kick.

****************************************************

Iranian Senior General: If the US starts a war, Iran will finish it

Finally a sign Iran wants to be helpful to someone in this world! [Just hope Trump shows some appreciation.]

****************************************************

Man Fatally Shoots Bear That Bit Him in New Mexico Attack

I took my gun out and said to the bear: "If you bites me I'll kills'ya!" And he bit me. So I killed him.

****************************************************

Biden's Niece Gets Probation in $110,000 Credit Card Case

"A niece of former Democratic Vice President Joe Biden who racked up $110,000 in charges on someone else's credit card has been sentenced to two years of probation."

Man, it's a good thing she wasn't black: Black girl steals $110 usually just gets fried.

****************************************************

Relax, Boomers: Socialism Is Good Now

Yes! Of course! That's what we need after Trump: Stalin! [Why didn't I think of it!]

****************************************************

In meeting with N.Y. Times publisher, Trump explains why he characterizes journalists as ‘enemy of the people’

"I am The People."

****************************************************

Putin Portrait Placed In Colorado Capitol Where Donald Trump’s Should Be

I see someone out there gets it.

****************************************************

US prelate McCarrick resigns from College of Cardinals

Sez he will try to wrap up his graduate studies for Pope elsewhere.

****************************************************

Man detonates small explosive device near US embassy in Beijing

No. Wait: He'd just had the Kung Pao Chicken. Sorry.

****************************************************

U.S. Detects New Activity at North Korea Factory That Built ICBMs: Source

Therefore, I suppose Trump will now start sending North Korea pallets of U.S. dollars like the ones Obama sent to Iran.

****************************************************

Most Of The World’s Land Is Owned By Very Few. Land Reform Aims To Change That.

Sure. That's what we need: To change ownership to a new set of the very few. [You know: From some "people's king" to a dictatorship "of the proletariat" (Mao, Stalin, Castro, or Kim) & back.]

****************************************************

What is Bigfoot erotica? A Virginia congressional candidate accused her opponent of being into it.

What is it? Where are they finding the Bigfoot porn stars to film it!

****************************************************

Trump renews government shutdown threat, says it’s ‘very small price to pay’ for border security

Translation: It's certain that he himself will pay a 'very small price' for it.

****************************************************

TSA Has Been Secretly Monitoring Travelers Not Listed On Government Watch Lists

Ah! That would explain the overly-friendly guy on my last flight: I had to keep telling him over & over that I wasn't gay.

****************************************************

Undercover TSA agents began watching people at U.S. airports and on planes 9 years after the Sept. 11 attacks

Yes, but in their defense: For all those years they just could NOT agree on which matching outfits to wear on the job.

****************************************************

Sessions: US Culture 'Less Hospitable to People of Faith'

People of Science beg to differ.

****************************************************

Researchers Use Leaf Blower to See How Lizards Endure Storms

As kids, same researchers used to use a magnifying glass to see how ants endured REALLY sunny days.

****************************************************

North Korea constructing new missiles despite agreement with US: Report

Yeah, but was there ever really any agreement between the U.S. and North Korea? Because usually Trump just lies and all his followers believe him like a bunch of mentally retarded suckers & whopping morons.

****************************************************

‘Baboon’ Knocks Out Phoenix Power Grid

In the baboon's defense: It was his first day on the job.

****************************************************

Trump Says He’s ‘Looking Into’ 3-D Printed Plastic Guns

Claims his X-Ray vision is even better than Superman's.

****************************************************

Russian spokeswoman writes pop song

"Putin B. Goode" Yes, we know.

****************************************************

Speedboat pair steal Sweden crown jewels

Police will keep an eye on eBay postings.

****************************************************

Don’t Get Shot in America. Live in Australia!

"Our bullets are so much more hygienic."

****************************************************

Trump Pushes for Mueller Interview Against Legal Advice

And why not? Trump knows more law than all the lawyers put together.

****************************************************

Madonna Reveals She Fled To Portugal To Escape Trump

Trump sez he's been going crazy looking for her all over the place. [Ah!]

****************************************************

Trump’s D.C. hotel gets rental credit of $534,000 from federal agency for maintaining tower

That's Trump: The real sweetheart (deal).

Revenue at Trump’s N.Y. hotel rose in spring, thanks to Saudis’ spending

Saudis really know which side to grease Trump. [When's the last time you heard Trump bitching about the Muslims?]

****************************************************

Former state GOP leader kills mother’s dog, claims he’s ‘the second coming of Christ,’ police say

Yes, I believe the Bible sez that one of the signs IS that the Messiah will shoot his mom's dog.

****************************************************

Fishing industry roiled by claim of diluted Chesapeake crab meat.

"What? Ya wants crab meat, or ya wants crab meat from crabs who can stand on one leg?!"

****************************************************

Man Arrested After Allegedly Taunting Yellowstone Bison In Viral Video

"Hey you-ah, bison!" Screams he: "You gotta big-a ass!!"

****************************************************

Bitcoin is still a total disaster

A currency that's not backed by anybody--What could go wrong!

****************************************************

Immigration Judges Union Slams Trump Administration For Undermining Courts

In Trump's defense: He IS expected to be a criminal defendant in some court soon--so no sense bolstering the damn things!

****************************************************

When a Trump supporter’s wife is deported

I suppose there just had to be at least one Trump voter out there who will forever remain free of voter's remorse.

****************************************************

The share of Republicans who think there’s a lot of discrimination is plummeting

Obviously, there is no discrimination if Republicans are the ones doing the discriminating. [It's in The Bible: Look it up fer yerself.] "We know how to do it right."

****************************************************

Hey Christian Parents, Spanking Is Sex Abuse

Non-Christian parents: You guys can beat the crap outta your kids, no sweat.

****************************************************

Why I Chose To Get A Tattoo Instead Of A Face-Lift For My 80th Birthday

"Couldn't remember where I left my face."

****************************************************

Swiss police urge dogs to wear shoes

Apparently there's a dangerous dearth of tap-dancing dogs now in Switzerland.

****************************************************

Turkey’s currency plunge fans fears of new global financial crisis

Well, do NOT invest in dictatorships: You're propping up human suffering. [So it is right & proper that Fate should extract a little just punishment from you when you do.]

****************************************************

Boy, 11, Hacks Into Replica U.S. Vote Website in Minutes at Convention

Russians now trying to arrange a get-together with the kid over at Trump's Washington hotel.

****************************************************

Ex-Gitmo detainee now selling sweets in Uruguay capital

What could go wrong? That's definitely what I want my kids eating: Treats from an ex-Jihadi sworn to murder Christian children.

****************************************************

Australia archbishop gets house detention for abuse cover-up

"So... bar-hopping & strip joints are out then?"

****************************************************

Indonesia woman irked by mosque noise on trial for blasphemy

"Turn that #@*&# thing down!" She shouted.

****************************************************

The dos and don'ts of the Situation Room

DO: Put an unpredictable take-no-prisoners black woman in there if you're gonna fire her. [A situation is BOUND to come up.]

DON'T: Forget to ask her: "How'd you like to get feeled-up by a former FOUR-STAR general?" So you can search her up & down for any hidden bugs.

****************************************************

Paris baulks at 'horrible' open-air urinals

Parisians still prefer their old-fashioned stinking little hothouse ones.

****************************************************

Warning of palm oil threat to primates

Apparently they're smearing it on their heads to make themselves more presentable.

****************************************************

Man with pet parrot on his shoulder is rescued from waist-deep mud at park

"Aghrrr... thank you!"

****************************************************

Terrified horse was ‘skin and bones.’ Then a dog named Molly made friends, NC rescuer says

Hate these modern non-sequitur children's stories!

****************************************************

How to Minimize Injuries From Lifting a Baby

"Always drop-kick the baby into the air & then catch him on the way down."

****************************************************

Trump is aggressive in his use of nondisclosure agreements

Now think of all the trouble he might've saved himself if he'd only bothered to sign his!

****************************************************

World's Largest King Penguin Colony Has Mysteriously Shrunk By 90 Percent

Wonder if they've looked into the possibility that all the eggs that hatched have FINALLY gone off to college...?

****************************************************

Cows can visit nudist beach in heatwave

Court rules they're entitled as long as they don't wear a bikini.

****************************************************

A horse was neglected by its owner. Now the horse is suing.

Not only does the horse have standing in court--it can't very well sit down, now can he!

****************************************************

Customer walks into liquor store – without noticing bear standing right next to him, video shows

"I've seen worse-looking drunks."

****************************************************

Man with ‘prostate issue’ pees in deli meat case at Michigan grocery store, cops say

"I've smelled worse-stinking urinals."

****************************************************

Fakir Musafar, guru to piercers, tattooers and other ‘body play’ artists, dies at 87

I could never be a tattoo artist, knowing that all my canvasses are going to die.

****************************************************

The TSA searches me every time I travel. Is it because I’m Muslim?

They search me every time too; but I choose to believe it's because I'm pretty.

****************************************************

From Flat Earthers To Birthers, Here’s Why People Believe Conspiracy Theories

There willl NEVER be an end to our birthing morons.

****************************************************

Lifeguard stands along Miami Beach are getting a new life. Maybe in your own backyard

That might explain all the junk somebody's been piling up back there.

****************************************************

More than 600 ‘stressed’ birds rescued from Ohio house, animal welfare group says

Cops still trying to find out how The Yellow Submarine got stuck on repeat.

****************************************************

Police Chief Defends Use Of Taser On Elderly Woman Cutting Flowers

"If we'd waited any longer she would've had the entire front row done!"

****************************************************

‘Fox & Friends’ Host Recalls That Time The U.S. ‘Defeated Communist Japan’

In his defense: Once you start sprouting lies all over the place it's hard to know which lie is a lie & which might not be.

Fox News Remembers Aretha Franklin With Photo Of Patti LaBelle

CENSORED

****************************************************

Trump boasts about ‘great new trade deals.’ So far, he hasn’t finalized any.

Translation: "Trump LIES about ‘great new trade deals.’ So far, he hasn’t MADE any."

****************************************************

I’ve worn a hijab for decades. Here’s why I took it off.

They always look at me funny when I go to the men's room.

****************************************************

Omarosa Manigault Newman releases secret recording of $15,000-a-month job offer from Lara Trump

There's also a secret Omarosa Manigault Newman recording she made of herself going to the can, if you'd also like to hear that. [Surprisingly, she can hum "Shuffle Off to Buffalo" on key!]

****************************************************

Omarosa Might Have ‘As Many As 200’ Tapes, NY Times Reports

Going all the way back to the very instant she met Donald Trump. ["Oh, this sucker needs to be taped to be believed," is the first thing we hear after the click.]

****************************************************

Omarosa Has Stash Of Video In Addition To Audio Tapes: Report

Sez she's working on a deal for her own 24-hour Trump-pay-per-view channel: EXPOSÉ!

****************************************************

Satanists have wheeled a demonic goat statue onto the lawn of the Arkansas Capitol

Arkansas legislators rejected their previous demonic hamster statue as not being demonic enough.

****************************************************

Why is Trump creating a space force?

Why else! So he can be: "Donald Trump: Space Cadet Number One!" [Pence is trying out for Number Two again.]

****************************************************

Young couple trying to prove human kindness killed by ISIS

In ISIS's defense: ISIS is trying to prove religion's inhumanity. [And, by the way, ISIS killed human kindness, yes. So they were proved right.]

****************************************************

Emma Thompson, 59, Wants More Film Roles for Older Women

Well, I don't believe "The Mummy's Mommie" has been filmed yet.

****************************************************

Yes, teens are texting and using social media instead of reading books, researchers say

The kind of "books" out there: Is this such a bad thing? [I mean, it's not like they're ever going to go around reading books on history, science, or the humanities.]

****************************************************

No handshake, no Swiss citizenship

Guess nobody discriminates against germophobes like the Swiss!

****************************************************

Trump and Erdogan: Compare and contrast

Ah! Where are the days when our presidents used to be compared to Washington and Lincoln! Now one can only compare Trump to an Erdogan, a Mussolini, Gotti and other notorious criminals like them. [And Trump is actually flattered by the comparisons!]

****************************************************

Trump on Russia probe: ‘I could run it if I want’

Yes! That could be the heights of efficiency: Trump could investigate Trump, who could then find Trump either guilty or innocent... [And who doesn't trust Trump to do the right thing!]

****************************************************

Trump vows 'no concessions' to Turkey

The Trumped-Up Tacos truck will now go to Armenia instead.

****************************************************

Report: Scott Pruitt Made 1 Phone Call To The White House From $43,000 Booth

"No! This is NOT Pizza Hut!" ["How'd you get this number anyway?!"]

****************************************************

Millions are caught up in America’s criminal-justice system ‘because they’re poor’

Hey! How else is Trump supposed to bring back the poorhouse & the workhouses of the 1800's (when America was Great)... again!?

****************************************************

Neil DeGrasse Tyson Suggests A Better Alternative To Trump's Space Force

Yeah, but how are we gonna find all the suckers working on spacewar tech for our enemies in order to offer them Neil's Lollypops For Peace?

****************************************************

Doll Leaves Ferencvaros After Five Years in Charge

Claims that today's Germans are not as impressed by Voodoo as they once were.

****************************************************

Who Is Afraid of Shahidul Alam?

Well, what are its symptoms? Is there a cure for it on the horizon? Maybe if I knew more about it I'd be very afraid, be very afraid!

****************************************************

Miami Herald Endorses Candidate Who Says She Was Taken By Space Aliens

Well, as long as she wasn't taken by Russian aliens (like Trump) there's very little chance that she's been suborned (like Trump).

****************************************************

Is soda over? Pepsi to buy seltzer-maker SodaStream for $3.2 billion.

Always is for me. That's why I always top off my glass in the sink.

****************************************************

Spacewalkers Install Bird Trackers, Send Satellites Flying

Trump still believes there are space birds flying in from other planets? ["Space Force Cadets will put a stop to them!"]

****************************************************

Sen. Collins said Kavanaugh sees Roe v. Wade as ‘settled law’

As far as his Senate confirmations hearings are concerned. Sure.

****************************************************

No, Venezuela doesn’t prove anything about socialism

All the socialist countries that ever tried it do.

****************************************************

Why Do Muslims Slaughter Animals for God?

People are NOT animals! [Gads! Trump's bad influence is spreading everwhere!]

****************************************************

Elizabeth Warren’s Far-Reaching New Bill Aims To Actually Drain The Swamp

Shouldn't they fish out the big fat alligator with the blond implants owns the swamp first?

****************************************************

The Latest: Man Fatally Shot in NH Was Wanted in Maine

This is why I never go anywhere where I'm not wanted.

****************************************************

Romania: Bear shot dead after it kills goat, enters school

"Killing the goat we could let slide. But becoming our school valedictorian was a tad much."

****************************************************

Wife Says Jamestown Man With Severed Hand Will Lose It

Sez he keeps leaving it all over the place & she's tired of picking up after him.

****************************************************

This may be the biggest flip yet in the Trump-Cohen saga

Weisselberg?! You just knew somebody named weasel-berg HAD to be in charge of Trump's affairs.

****************************************************

WELL, THIS IS AWKWARD
The First 2 Congressmen To Endorse Trump Have Been Indicted

Awkward maybe, but sounds about right.

Is this the worst day of Trump's presidency?

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," sez Trump.

"Wait," Mueller sez: "Tomorrow is another day!"

****************************************************

A cancer on the presidency

I believe that's what's tattooed under Trump's hair implants. [Look it up! Look it up!]

Will Trump Be Meeting With His Counterpart — Or His Handler?

It will all come out. It always does.

****************************************************

Trump Suggests Cooperating With Prosecutors Should Be A Crime

So you bought all the judges & politicians and now they won't stay bought, eh?! [Man, what ingrates.] Same thing happened to poor Al Capone, you know. And to "your favorite don" John Gotti (with Sammy the Bull) like it's happening with all of Trump's capos now.

Report: Trump Shaken By Disloyalty As Allies Turn Against Him

Mueller’s probe has produced a rogues’ gallery of liars

Trump borrows his rhetoric — and his view of power — from the mob

****************************************************

Flooded trails and full toilets: Storms wreak havoc on D.C.-area parks

At least somebody in D.C.'s eating well I see.

****************************************************

Trump’s real problem is that he obstructed justice, and Mueller can prove it. Here’s how.

1) Ask any American above the age of two. [Including Trump--once he matures to the age of two, that is.]

Will Trump Be Meeting With His Counterpart — Or His Handler?

It will all come out. It always does.

****************************************************

You’re gonna cough during the entire performance?’

"No I am not! Only through the first couple of acts."

What dancers hear, see and sense from the stage.

****************************************************

Someone posted photos of a young councilwoman in her underwear. She called it ‘slut-shaming.’

Then she proclaimed defiantly: "Well, this is one slut that's shameless!"

****************************************************

Trump ‘made a mistake’ by not honoring John McCain’s service, Jimmy Carter says

On the plus side: It's not the first mistake Trump has made nor will it be the last, so it's not like anybody'll notice it in the bunch.

****************************************************

Can Trump find a sufficiently devoted lickspittle to replace Don McGahn?

Billions. Ever since we were chimps back in the jungle we have lived by The Code of the Lickspittle.

****************************************************

A short investigation into Trump’s claims of ‘RIGGED’ Google results against him

1) Google results are all against him

2) Trump rigged them all up himself

****************************************************

Google is toeing the line between helping you save time and creeping you out as it turns to machines to suggest email replies on your behalf.

Great! Now I gotta reply to Google about replying to my emails in addition to replying to my emails!

****************************************************

We Cannot Fight Climate Change With Capitalism, Says Report

That's why The Dear Leader (Trump) is trying to replace our antiquated & passé democracy with a more modern & vibrant Russian/Chinese style One-Man rule, yes. [Our Dear Leader is obviously an All-Wise Guy.]

****************************************************

US ends funding for UN refugee agency in Palestine

"Anybody out there wanna adopt Palestinians?"

****************************************************

Iran says it plans to boost ballistic and cruise missile capacity

Sez spending the money on improving the lives of its people would be a total waste since they're all gonna get killed in their next war anyway.

****************************************************

Secret Service makes arrest after individual climbs barrier near Treasury building

"Hey! I was only trying to find the treasure, judge."

****************************************************

John Kerry doesn’t rule out a bid for president in 2020

Why not? Democrats are always hanging around Ye Olde US-Ed Car Lot kicking the tires of that latest model Political Disaster they've got an eye on: "The Kerry's a beauty, eh!" ["Yeah, but have ya seen The Biden?"]

****************************************************

Trump again calls for reexamining NBC’s TV license, despite the fact it doesn’t have one

When told, Trump said that if they didn't have a license then why are they #%@! allowed to drive?!

****************************************************

No place like the rightful home: FBI finds stolen ruby slippers from ‘Wizard of Oz’

"Guy was wearing'em right in front of the FBI Building!" ["Hey feller, them shoes pretty red!" -- "Ruby actually, officer."]

****************************************************

What happens when an algorithm labels you as mentally ill?

Truth to tell, each time it happens I can't help but feel a little admiration at the people who came up with the damn thing!

****************************************************

Lewinsky storms offstage after 'off limits' Clinton question

This came after Ms Lewinsky had answered a slew of questions about mathematics, history, philosophy, geography, hair-styling, and astrophysics.

****************************************************

Incalculable loss after fire engulfs Brazil museum

On the plus side: All the Carnival costumes warehouses are still safe & secured.

****************************************************

‘Two easy wins now in doubt’: Trump renews attack on Sessions

First Trump wants law enforcement to look the other way when he & his pals break the law. Then:

Sen. Orrin Hatch wants the FTC to investigate Google

Sez it's not biased enough in his favor. ["I am a United States Senator, you know!"]

****************************************************

Bob Woodward’s new book reveals a ‘nervous breakdown’ of Trump’s presidency

Obviously, The Donald ain't a man fit to slop pigs. But at least he'll go down in history as the biggest moron who was ever the leader of ANY country in the modern world.

GOP Senator Slams Trump On Sessions: 'The US Is Not Some Banana Republic'

Why Trump is so frantic right now

It’s Not Just Robert Mueller. President Donald Trump Faces Six Separate Investigations And Lawsuits.

****************************************************

After high court nominee is heckled, Trump suggests protesting should be illegal

Absolutely! Finally a President who can match the madness of George III

****************************************************

Now Trump Claims He Has 100 Pics Of Mueller And Comey ‘Hugging And Kissing’

And that the names of a hundred communists in the State Department are written (one name each) behind the pictures.

****************************************************

Trump Says He’d Never Call Someone ‘Mentally Retarded.’ Video Shows Otherwise.

What a surprise.

The president has again been caught in a barefaced lie.

It never ceases to amaze me how time & time again these criminals still imagine that they can get away with their brazen crimes in a world filled with omnipresent cameras!

****************************************************

The White House has distanced itself from the book, accusing it of containing “fabricated stories” made by disgruntled employees.

Yeah but, dude, that's like a duck saying that a book that claims he quacks can't be believed.

****************************************************

Why Burt Reynolds turned down Bond and Star Wars

He would've had to shave off his Mexican moustache. And Burt wasn't sure he could grow another one at his age.

****************************************************

Barcelona bans tiny 'haibu' living pods

Sez farts inspired by the local cuisine might become fatally dangerous in them.

****************************************************

Russia 'tried to spy on France in space'

This is because, C'mon, who doesn't already know all there is to know about France down here on earth! [Probably: Putin wanting to keep on top of his cheese investments.]

****************************************************

The Latest: Trump has 4 or 5 suspects for op-ed writer

Therefore he's pressing the GOP to rush through his wall's funding so he can stand all five of'em against it--Sez God will know the ones didn't do it.

Hey, Mister President: Don't be such a dumbass, man! Discovering who wrote the article is simple: Just find out who in your administration is disgruntled and that's the guy!

****************************************************

He got caught with almost 200 lobsters in his trunk, cops say

"Man," the cop said he told him: "That's the LAST time I leave the trunk open when I go to the beach!"

****************************************************

Several People Behind Trump Were Removed, Replaced During Rally In Montana

They looked too much like Democrats: They just didn't have that wild-eyes look makes Trump seem almost stable by comparison.

****************************************************

Man Who Punched Charlottesville Organizer Jason Kessler Fined $1

In protest he will pay ALL OF IT in pennies.

****************************************************

Former Mormon Leader Used Position To Swindle Church Members, Feds Say

"Look, judge," he said in court: "There is no God. Why else would ANYBODY try to finagle himself into a high position in a church?!" ["Are there ANY high church officials in this country who are not blindingly rich?!"] "What? Ya think a cardinal is called 'prince' because he's uglier'n a dog?! No: It's because he lives like a prince." ["You think all those evangelicals support a rapacious thief like Trump because of some perversion of their moral character?! No: It's because Trump IS their unequivocal amoral & unethical equivalent, judge."] "Ok. You're free to go. Don't forget your loot."

Pope removes Brazil bishop accused of stealing church funds

"Look, Pope," he said in Vatican Court...

****************************************************

Trump Calls On Jeff Sessions To Investigate New York Times Op-Ed

Jeff Sessions sez: "Sorry, Mister President," but he will have to recuse himself. As, "It could very well be that I'm the one who wrote the article."

****************************************************

Prince Charles says he utterly objects to the idea of people becoming ‘part human, part machine’

Claims the human part would hold us back and should be extirpated as soon as possible--Preferably squished by very powerful mechanical pincers.

****************************************************

The Phillies are trying to dry out Citizens Bank Park with blowtorches, actual blowtorches

What could go wrong? [I actually tried this with my Christmas Tree when Pooch peed all over it, and it all went up in smoke--Christmas, that is.]

****************************************************

Trump’s promoters have no good answer for his economic falsehoods

Everybody else is, of course, free to deem them to be the total/complete lies they are.

****************************************************

Al-Qaida leader urges Muslims to fight US across the world

Ah! Well, as long as it's that far away from here: that's ok then.

****************************************************

Elon Musk said a Tesla could drive itself across the country by 2018. One just crashed backing out of a garage.

How much pot was the battery huffling?

****************************************************

There’s no such thing as a good wedding poem

This is the wedding
between Joe & Jane:
If it don't stick they'll try
[another 2 others] again.

****************************************************

Biden: ‘I’m clearly not as smart as Trump, the smartest man in the world’

I agree. So it's really weird how Trump's always going around like he can't tell his right foot from his left!

****************************************************

Pussy Riot activist loses speech and sight in suspected poisoning, group says

And people hear, "Another One Bites The Dust," being played loudly as they walk by the Kremlin.

****************************************************

San Juan Mayor Responds To Trump’s ‘Appalling’ Denial Of Puerto Rico Deaths

"You wanna come over & count the corpses, you lying piece of shit!" [Sounds best when done in Robert De Niro mode.]

President Trump falsely said that a high death count had been generated by Democrats to “make me look as bad as possible.”

"Don't worry," answered the infinite chorus: "It is not possible to make you look worse."

****************************************************

Nazis stole a Jewish man’s Renoir painting in 1941. Now it’s been returned to his only living heir.

"Here! Now we're even." ["No hard feelings, right?"]

****************************************************

Juan Soto has been the best teenage hitter ever, and it doesn’t look like a fluke

But every teenager he has hit has gone down looking like one.

****************************************************

Scientists know plastics are dangerous. Why won’t the government say so?

1) the plastics industry invests more on politicians than on scientists

****************************************************

Trump: I'll write 'real book' about my presidency

Sez it'll give him something to do in the slammer.

****************************************************

Merkel condemns far-right xenophobia, Nazi slogans

She only has herself to blame: Importing an alien population of millions into Germany who will never be Germans and whose religion demands that they change the character of [or bring down the entire nature of] the native population was total & complete insanity. And it will sadly eventually prove deadly--What did she think was going to happen?!

****************************************************

Novelist who wrote about ‘How to Murder Your Husband’ charged with murdering her husband

Hey! You write what you know!

****************************************************

Putin says men accused by Britain in spy poisoning case are just ordinary citizens

"The fact that they just happen to have extensive training in handling deadly poisons," sez Putin, "doesn't come into it!" [And, in any case, under a secret Russian law every citizen of Russia is obligated to become an international assassin when Putin asks them.] "So there!"

Poisoning suspect honored by Putin in 2014, UK group says

****************************************************

Lying to buy a gun? Don’t worry about the feds.

"Of course the check is good!" ["Ok. Here's yer gun!"]

****************************************************

Robotic pants could help people stay mobile longer

Especially if they're on somebody chasing you who needs to wear them.

****************************************************

State Department Spent $52,700 On Curtains For Nikki Haley

Yes, but I think they look better than my $1.75 Target ones.

****************************************************

Trump can start panicking now: Manafort will cooperate with the special counsel

"Señor Trump! Run Señor Trump, que ahi viene La Migra!"

****************************************************

An Indian athlete with 12 toes will get custom shoes from Adidas

Does not say whether the 12 toes are distributed among his two feet (nor in what proportion) or on a single one of them.

****************************************************

Trump praised Manafort as a “brave man” while condemning those who cooperate with prosecutors as “rats.”

Gads! What a thing to hear from a President of The United States--the nation's chief law enforcement officer! Just for that statement alone Trump not only merits impeachment but a goodly number of years in prison!

El Chapo prosecutors seek to bar Trump’s ‘flipper’ remarks

What Manafort’s plea agreement could mean for Trump

That it will all come out. It always does.

****************************************************

If Trump pardons himself, he’s admitting he’s guilty of impeachable crimes

The ultimate solution is to pass a constitutional amendment giving Congress the sole power to pardon a president [for whatever crimes]. In other words, "the President may pardon others but never himself."

****************************************************

Kavanaugh denies decades-old allegation of potential sexual misconduct

There is power in knowing that you were heard, even if you may not necessarily be believed.

Yes. It's a he-said-she-said case. But, GOP guys: Shouldn't you get a guy appointed for life to the nation's Supreme Court who has NOT been accused of sexual misconduct? [You take the chance & lose here and a lot of the nation's morality will forever be on the line. You might be electing Trump to the Supreme Court to write your children's morals.]

Republicans Sticking By Kavanaugh In Face Of Attempted Sexual Assault Accusation

****************************************************

At least five dead as ‘powerful, slow and relentless’ storm pummels the Carolinas

Great! Now I suppose all those Evangelical preachers down there are gonna start denying that God is punishing the South for supporting Trump & his coven of evil GOP witches! [Which hopefully Mueller will hunt down so we can stake'em.]

****************************************************

Trump’s foreign policy has devolved into chaos

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Good Job, Humans: 8 More Bird Species Confirmed Extinct

On the plus side: Less bird shit on my head.

****************************************************

Yusaku Maezawa, a Japanese entrepreneur who founded the fashion label Zozo, said he would invite six to eight artists — sculptors, painters, architects and film directors — to fly with him on a trip around the moon in 2023.

And this would be, what, the twelfth or the twentieth remake of this boring disaster movie plot?

****************************************************

How safe are the foods your children are eating?

How much profit would the companies providing them lose if they had to make them safe for them?

****************************************************

Trump administration slaps tariffs on roughly $200 billion more in Chinese goods

Good! Good! Lately I've been feeling guilty about how little I've been paying for the stuff I've been buying.

****************************************************

Six simple ways to make your small apartment feel larger

Tried'em all. But in a couple of weeks I gained all my weight back.

****************************************************

Man rubbed produce against his buttocks at grocery store, police say

"Ya can evolve a man from a monkey, but ya can't evolve the monkey from the man."

****************************************************

Legal team still confident that Manafort will not implicate Trump, Giuliani says

Sez as Trump's consigliere he made sure that there were lots of "buffers" between "the Don" and his hitmen.

****************************************************

Trump Says It’s ‘Very Hard For Me To Imagine’ Kavanaugh Accusations

So he'd like Kavie to please tell him all about the incident in detail (for future reference). ["Yeah, baby!"]

****************************************************

Senate Republican signal they will forge ahead on embattled nominee Kavanaugh

Judiciary Committee Chairman Charles E. Grassley said that he and his fellow kangaroos can perfectly judge the whole Kavanaugh affair themselves, no sweat.

****************************************************

The Latest: Australian Navy chief hopeful Cook's ship found

Sez his seamen are getting hungry.

****************************************************

Plane loses cabin pressure on flight, 36 hurt

Mostly those who happen to be inhaling at the time.

****************************************************

Mexico's president-elect flies commercial

Really?! You'd think a Mexican might be able to come up with a boatload of home-made flies.

****************************************************

Australia police arrest man accused of killing emus with car

"Just couldn't stand the fact that they were driving a better car than mine, judge."

****************************************************

Serena Williams Explains Why She’s Relying On Meghan Markle A Lot Recently

"Who can rely on some unknown woman been hanging around'ya all yer life and's never even been a minor celebrity, right!" [from the best-selling Birds of A Feather Fok Together by D. Ms Inel]

****************************************************

Graham: Appoint special counsel to probe ‘bureaucratic coup’ against Trump

I'm all for that. And then appoint special counsel to probe why some congressmen don't shave/comb their hair properly. [And how come all of their shoes ain't shined.]

****************************************************

Kavanaugh Tells Senators He Will Not Withdraw Nomination

In related news: Trump also said he too will never resign for the good of the nation & that he'll have to be impeached or the country will just have to go to Hell with him. [What, you thought a scummy guy like Kavanaugh being nominated by scummy Trump was purely coincidental?!]

Trump anti-discrimination official once called most hate crimes hoaxes

Democrats’ lawsuit alleging Trump’s business violates Constitution can proceed, judge rules

****************************************************

Susan Collins: ‘I Do Not Believe’ Kavanaugh Would Repeal Roe v. Wade

Yeah, but she also doesn't believe she looks any different now than when she was 16 [Hey, maybe she doesn't.]

****************************************************

A federal appellate panel has overturned an order that the nation's largest public utility must unearth and remove a Tennessee power plant's coal ash.

Sez if the coal ash pit is removed then what's gonna be left to devastate the state when the next hurricane hits?!

****************************************************

Russia: We have proof Israel is lying about downing of recon plane

And they also have proof that the whole world is lying "when they claim we've assassinated everybody we've assassinated."

One of the men accused of the Novichok poisoning attack in the UK is a Russian colonel, according to investigative website Bellingcat.

****************************************************

Bill Cosby’s Publicist: ‘They Persecuted Jesus And Look What Happened’

Cosby was a great con-man & now he's just a con? [Then he said: "Hey, hey, hey!" And was never heard from again.]

****************************************************

Republicans Rally Around Kavanaugh Nomination

Why not? Republicans have been totally unethical for a long time now, so why not also become completely amoral too!

****************************************************

Trump is the laughingstock of the world

What a surprise.

****************************************************

‘The Smithsonian can do more and should do more,’ says advocate for a Latino museum

What about the Marmalade Museum? Who wouldn't love that?

****************************************************

Weight Watchers has dropped ‘weight’ from its name. But that’s not enough.

Now they also have to keep telling the many peeping Toms trying to join that it's not everything they expect it to be.

****************************************************

Rouhani slams Trump as an "authoritarian" with "Nazi disposition"

If he knows this, I wonder why he doesn't join Kim Jong-Un then & become Trump's buddy.

****************************************************

‘I’ve never sexually assaulted anyone’: Brett Kavanaugh offers deeply personal defense in Fox News interview

"And Bill Clinton," added Kavanaugh, "who never had sex with that woman, can vouch for me."

Kavanaugh’s ‘choir boy’ image on Fox interview rankles former classmates

****************************************************

Nearly 40,000 people applied to run a cat sanctuary on a Greek island

I did myself until I found out that "cat" wasn't an euphemism for what I had in mind.

****************************************************

Hollywood Has No Plans To Remove Bill Cosby’s Walk Of Fame Star

Claim it's cheaper to just let somebody take a sledgehammer to it--whenever.

****************************************************

TRUMP BECOMES A LITERAL LAUGHINGSTOCK

Meanwhile, back in the White House, Trump told his people: "You guys see me cracking all them jokes out there!"

****************************************************

Christine Blasey Ford Polygraph Regarding Kavanaugh Assault Allegation Released

Oh Yes! A polygraph IS very much admissible in a Court of Public Opinion: So take one Mister Kavanaugh!

****************************************************

‘Chickens**t’ Republican Senators Slammed Over Plan To Avoid Kavanaugh Accuser

In their defense: It's hard for those with no character to look others in the eye.

****************************************************

Female Sex Crimes Prosecutor Tapped To Question Christine Blasey Ford In Senate ... The all-male GOP side of the Judiciary Committee has asked the Arizonan to question the accuser of Brett Kavanaugh.

GOPeers reason that if a prosecutor is questioning the victim of the crime instead of the alleged perpetrator the whole world will be turned upside-down & inside-out. And then the Republicans might have an indecent shot at winning the midterm elections.

****************************************************

Why Americans Are Getting Grosser When It Comes To Table Manners

1) hot wings
2) pizza
3) burgers
4) French fries
5) buttered popcorn
6) eat'n yer buggers (after fingering all the others: why not!)

****************************************************

U.N. General Assembly Updates: Trump to Chair Security Council Meeting

Fear not: They will install Trump on a Lazy Boy so he doesn't bang his head on the table when he falls asleep.

****************************************************

Democratic Senator On Christine Blasey Ford: ‘I Believe Her’

The very least a public servant ought to do is to give the benefit of the doubt to those who report that they are the victims of a crime.

It is the essence of law enforcement (and thus of society itself).

Anywhere law enforcement decides beforehand that anyone accused of a crime is more trustworthy/believable than anyone who reports the crime--there the wind-tossed fragile fabric of civil and civic society has been irreparably ripped forever.

For any public official whatever to give the benefit of the doubt to those who have been accused of a crime (before a full investigation has concluded) is a perversion of society. And it can only serve to move such a society closer to the dark side than to the side of righteousness.

The Supreme Court nominee's high school yearbook is a "minefield," said one Democratic senator.

Brett Kavanaugh’s Testimony Was A Spectacle Of Angry Male Bonding

****************************************************

‘Give it to me’: Trump lets loose with 81 minutes of bluster, falsehoods and insults

Watched it, unfortunately (Trump's scatterbrained news monologue--did he really answer any question in depth?). What, is he on drugs? Staggered by too much coffee? Or has he finally gone off the cliff & into the very deep end? Never seen anybody (outside one of those homeless lunatics wandering our streets & blithering to themselves) jump around so much & often about his topics & subject matters: Trump could not keep his focus on any one thing without wandering back & forth about ten or a dozen other unrelated matters! Makes me wonder if maybe his "handlers" allowed the nation to see him that way in order to justify an Article 25... [Yet one more conspiracy theory Trump's inspired!]

****************************************************

How To Convince Your Boss To Let You Watch The Kavanaugh Hearing

BOSS: "What!? You never heard of video tape?!" ["Get back to the grind, you bum!"]

****************************************************

Bank Employee Suspected of Stealing $4.3M Extradited to US

"Well, can I at least keep my $4.3M here, judge? Or, do I have to take it back to the U.S. with me?"

****************************************************

Many teens drink. Rich ones like Kavanaugh are more likely to abuse alcohol.

Naturally: The more money you have the more booze you can buy--Unless you're a professional wedding crasher or something. ["Kiss whom, the Woman in White? Sure. Let me polish off a couple of these bottles first: Let's face it, she's a dog--She's got a moustache & sideburns! Oh, this is a gay wedding. Still, I think the groom could've gotten a much better-looking guy for a bride... right?"]

****************************************************

Kavanaugh is lying. His upbringing explains why.

I don't know whether Kavanaugh is lying because I don't know the facts. If the facts are determinable I hope the proper people determine them in time. But either way Trump has taken a tremendous political gut punch for picking him Eeny-Meeny-Moe instead of properly thoroughly vetting him: But it's what Trump does. It's what he's always done.

****************************************************

Brazil candidate says he will only accept results if he wins

This was after his advisors finally succeeded in persuading him to at least accept those results.

****************************************************

Russian FM: S-300 surface-to-air missile batteries delivered to Syria

The S-300 batteries can be defeated with a swarm of cheap little GPS drones each carrying powerful explosives launched (safe from the S-300) from the drones' most distant range by an AI mother drone: The expensive S-300 missiles, if fired at the drones & even if absolutely accurate, will not be cost-effective. Therefore, the drone swarm mission will defeat it by forcing the S-300 to waste its missiles & those of its defenses; becoming susceptible to a more powerful direct attack.

****************************************************

Germany: Widow kept husband's body for 1½ years

Sez he didn't move all that much more when he was alive... and that he certainly smelled a lot worse. So she thought he was improving...

****************************************************

How Lindsey Graham became Donald Trump’s greatest ally in the Senate

He's a Republican. We know. [And it won't be over until they're ALL OF THEM kicked out on their corrupt little Republican asses.]

****************************************************

Confidence In Trump Lags Behind Russia’s Putin, China’s Xi In World Poll

How d'ya like that! Trump is finally becoming what he always wanted to be.

****************************************************

Trump Engaged in Suspect Tax Schemes as He Reaped Riches From His Father

What a surprise.

N.Y. tax agency weighs probe after report that Trump family built wealth through tax-avoidance schemes and fraud

It will all come out. It always does.

****************************************************

Teen Charged in Killing of Police K9 Named Fang

Now, really, what are the odds that a guy goes around killing dogs would be named Fang?!

****************************************************

Japanese Billionaire Will Fly To The Moon With SpaceX, Elon Musk Says

That's phenomenal! SpaceX rockets won't be polluting the Earth's atmosphere then if that Japanese billionaire can just wing it up there by just flappin' his arms. [Betcha the first thing he sez when he gets there is: "Boy, are my arms tired!"]

****************************************************

‘Art of the Deal’ writer says New York Times report ends myth of Trump as ‘self-made man’

C'mon, who didn't know that all Trump was/is a hollow man stuffed with Fred's money trying to scare the whole world waving his little hands?

****************************************************

Opinion | Has Backing Kavanaugh Really Lost The GOP The Women’s Vote?

No. Women are too stupid for that.

Women Cheer Trump As He Mocks Christine Blasey Ford’s Testimony

****************************************************

United Nations’ court rules U.S. must allow humanitarian trade with Iran

TRUMP: 'Humanitarian?' Could somebody please look that word up in a dictionary--see what it means...?

****************************************************

GOP senators release explicit statement about accuser’s sex life

They would NEVER agree to releasing some GOP man's explicit tax statements, of course. But what harm could releasing explicit statement about some woman's sex life do, right!

****************************************************

Putin denounces ex-spy Skripal as 'scum'

Skripal greatly relieved & honored that Putin didn't proclaim him a great & good man.

****************************************************

Flake says Trump’s attack on Ford was ‘kind of appalling’

In Trump's defense: It was also perfectly in character for Trump.

****************************************************

Puerto Rico disbands mounted police unit amid recession

The horses will still go on patrol, of course, since they get paid in hay.

****************************************************

Neurosurgeon stitches up stuffed bear at young patient’s request: 'How could I say no?’

Especially when his usual bill is $50,000 [Hope they have insurance!]

****************************************************

Jeff Flake Defends Kavanaugh: ‘Hard To Say What Drinking To Excess Is’

1) when you kiss your horse & ride your wife, that's just under the limit

2) when you make love to your horse & take your wife "for a ride," that probably exceeds the limits

****************************************************

Lindsey Graham Gets Booed For Kavanaugh Remarks, Tells Crowd ‘Boo Yourself’ The senator said Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh “was treated like crap."

Sez it takes one to know one. But that he was just talking crap.

****************************************************

Sen. Mazie Hirono Calls FBI Investigation 'A Sham' As Kavanaugh Vote Nears

Hey, the FBI was told by Trump to look under Melania's bed and the FBI found no credible substantiation of Ford's claims under Melania's bed. SO put it to rest, babe!

Anybody that didn't see a mile away that this Trump/GOP so-called "FBI investigation" was going to be a total & complete sham could've been much better/cheaper satisfied with a simple all-day sucker.

The only way this will ever be brought to justice is if a state grand jury or the proper state law enforcement authorities file charges against Kavanaugh and he is tried on any & all actionable charges. Let Ford & his accusers try to prove their charges in a court of law, win or fail there.

****************************************************

Scholar's Abe Lincoln Collection Fetches $300K at Auction

Upon hearing which, Trump laughed & boasted that his porn collection would bring in ten times as much.

****************************************************

NASA's Parker Solar Probe Swinging by Venus on Way to Sun

Its radio transmiter must've been tuned to WJZZ at the time.

****************************************************

Scrawny Dwarf Planet, Named Goblin, Found Well Beyond Pluto

Frankly, I would've expected a planet that far beyond Pluto to be sick, but apparently no--

****************************************************

Pope Francis: Satan Is Stalking The Catholic Church

Man, like, a real estate racketeer, a hollow man stuffed with Fred's money trying to scare the whole world--doesn't Trump have enough stuff to bankrupt already? He's already doing everything in his power to bankrupt the United States (after bankrupting everything else he has ever touched)... and now he's after the Catholic Church too! Wow!

****************************************************

Grassley suggests absence of women on Judiciary due to committee’s heavy workload

Absolutely: That's why all those septuagenarian geezers are there--because everybody knows the frail elderly can work harder/longer than the best teen athlete [boy, of course].

****************************************************

Mattis: Russia violation of missile treaty 'untenable'

Sez all Russian violations of missile treaty must be done in tens.

****************************************************

Trump ’100 Percent’ Certain Christine Blasey Ford Named Wrong Man In Her Assault

Sez he's ’100 Percent’ certain that it's probably the same guy who also committed all the bizarre sexual abuses he himself is guilty of-- [Mister Donaldtrump, ask Putin to play the tape!]

****************************************************

What Will We Tell Our Kids And Grandkids About Climate Change?

Don't worry: I'm sure they'll all be killed by the heat long before then.

****************************************************

The Israeli who solved a 200-year old math equation

[If I live on the 3rd floor] = [how come I only have to walk up 2 (floors) to get there?!?]

Although I'm pretty sure building builders came up with that math equation more than just 200 years ago.

****************************************************

Nepal busts chimp smugglers after BBC investigation

Cops became suspicious after finding that many migrants had slipped into the country on banana peels.

****************************************************

Jared Kushner Paid Little To No U.S. Income Tax For Years, New York Times Says

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Md. man who called fraud ‘the best job in the whole world’ gets 14 years in prison

Apparently the correct quotation is ‘the best job in the whole world if you don't get caught.’ [Busted!]

****************************************************

I’m still breast-feeding my 4-year-old. Here’s why.

Too lazy to wash all the extra dirty dishes.

****************************************************

Prosecutor accuses man charged with D.C. quadruple killing of fabricating story

Still & all, he'll probably get less jail time than had he told the truth. [Good Heavens! Is it possible Trump is right?]

****************************************************

You’ll never believe what passengers steal from planes

It's certainly not 'everything that's not nailed down' because I for one never board a plane without a clawhammer.

****************************************************

Trump vows ‘severe punishment’ if U.S. determines Saudi Arabia killed Khashoggi

Which means that right there determined the U.S. is never going to determine that Saudi Arabia killed Khashoggi then--least not under Trump.

Saudi transfer of $100 million to U.S. stirs questions

****************************************************

Trump promised $1 million to charity if Warren proved her Native American DNA. Now he denies it.

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Trump Says ‘Rogue Killers’ May Be Behind Jamal Khashoggi’s Disappearance

If Trump is telling the truth then poor Saudis wasted a lot of money on the hit squad they sent to Turkey to kill Khashoggi. [So the Saudis can thank God that Trump never ever EVER tells the truth. Saved them a few bucks.]

****************************************************

Jeff Sessions attacks judges thwarting Trump agenda. Blasts order for Wilbur Ross deposition as Supreme Court mulls issue.

I'm sure Sessions really really wants to kiss Trump's ass. But, face it, the stuff coming outta Trump is really really hard to take, and so Sessions is probably finding it hard to swallow: After all, Sessions doesn't want to go to prison with Trump no matter how hard Trump pushes for him to break the law.

****************************************************

Friend of Jamal Khashoggi: Turkish officials said journalist killed in 'barbaric' way

In the Saudis' defense: That's about the only way they know how to kill.

****************************************************

China party expels general who killed self

General leaves suicide note: "If you want to laugh last kill yourself first." ["Ha!"]

****************************************************

Mammals Will Still Be Recovering From Human Destruction Long After We’re Gone

Well, as long as we'll see them recover it's ok then.

****************************************************

China Says Internment Camps Are ‘Free Vocational Training’

Wonder how much Trump charged the Chinese for coming up with that typically moronic lie for them. [Trump doesn't shit without charging the toilet.]

Trump Inflates Saudi Arms Deal But Stays Silent On Saudi Cash In His Own Pocket

Told ya!

Amid crisis, Saudi Arabia transfers $100 million to U.S.

Trump and Kushner Put Saudi's Money First

****************************************************

Jimmy Carter Says Brett Kavanaugh ‘Unfit’ To Be A Supreme Court Justice

Sez he reached that conclusion months ago but only just now remembered to express it.

****************************************************

Report: Kushner And Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman Talk On WhatsApp

Twitter controversy erupts on which of the two guys has the longest tongue.

****************************************************

“I have a natural instinct for science” says the man who stared directly into the sun during a solar eclipse. — Jen Statsky

In Trump's defense: He's been blind most of his life, so I'm sure staring into the Sun isn't about to make him any blinder. [sic.] "Oops, didn't see The Law coming."

****************************************************

Trump Says It Looks Like Saudi Journalist Jamal Khashoggi Is Dead

Having a natural instinct for science, Trump carefully considered Khashoggi was now an unknown number of body parts distributed all over God-knows-where, and naturally instinctively came to the only possible AND correct scientific determination. [We see.]

****************************************************

Putin Hails Sunset of U.S. Global Domination Due To Mounting ‘Mistakes’

He is also returning Trump's deviant sexual tapes to him with a nice Thank You note: "Job Well Done, Don!"

****************************************************

‘Horseface’: Does it matter that Trump ridicules women?

No more than when Farrakhan insults Jews: These guys' supporters & enablers know pretty well by now what these guys are.

Farrakhan compares Jews to termites, says Jews are ‘stupid’

It's a serious look at themselves in a mirror that might yet answer why they are the followers of such disreputable creeps: They might not like what they see there.

****************************************************

The Health 202: Trump says GOP wants to protect preexisting conditions. But a Republican lawsuit would eliminate them if successful.

O what a marvelous idea! Eliminating all pre-existing conditions with but a lawsuit instead of with medical treatment! [And they still say that Republicans are Hell's spawn of raw naked & rapacious greed!]

What Mitch McConnell is up to is even worse than Democrats say

****************************************************

Washington Ballet is struggling with empty seats and a $3 million debt. What will turn it around?

More nude ballets would probably be a start.

****************************************************

Palestinian Leaders Are Accused of Using Torture and Arbitrary Arrests to Crush Dissent

Dude, in an Islamic country you can have ISIS or you can have a police state. But ya can never EVER have secular democracy. Sorry.

****************************************************

The places where too many are fat and too many are thin

Yeah, but as long they are evenly distributed in any one place, then there's no problem that place keeping an even keel.

****************************************************

Why Is There No Female Equivalent For ‘Mr.’?

But there is: 'Dame.' But for some reason women are reluctant to use the term unless formally ordered to by a monarch.

****************************************************

Report: Murdered journalist's remains found in Saudi consul's garden

Lucky for him Khashoggi was morbidly obese--otherwise he might've ended up in a handful of doggy bags & never been found at all.

****************************************************

This 8-year-old pulled an ancient sword from a Swedish lake. Does that make her the queen?

No. But if she touched the thing she should certainly try to get herself a Tetanus shot as soon as possible.

****************************************************

‘The President . . . says it’s ok to grab women by their private parts’: Man accused of groping woman on flight invokes Trump

"Sorry," said the judge: "I believe what Trump said was that it was ok for HIM and other top celebrities and 1%'ers to do it--not for every cheap Tom, Dick & Harry peasant out there!" [Off to the slammer, sir!]

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: As my messy daughter’s landlord, should I evict her over cleanliness?

No. Shame her by asking her what sort of upbringing she had! [Say som'n about her Momma.]

****************************************************

Report: Trump Uses Unsecured iPhone Even Though China, Russia Are Listening In

It's still more discreet than having to set up a "summit" with your spy handler just to relay your reports.

****************************************************

Ex-BBC reporter: I was tortured in The Gambia

Man, that's probably the last place in your body you'd want tortured!

****************************************************

Trump says he does not bear blame for attempted bombings

In Trump's defense: Neither did bin Laden. These type creeps don't personally direct every one of their terrorists out there. They just spew hate, lies, viciousness, anger & vileness, hurt & harm, suspicion & distrust, corruption, immorality & depravity... and their foot soldiers go from there. [Hey, Trump: They got your boy down in Florida!]

Cesar Sayoc was ‘lost’ — then he ‘found a father in Trump,’ family attorney tells CNN

****************************************************

Trump Suggests Armed Guard Could Have Stopped Pittsburgh Synagogue Shooting

Yea, that would certainly make America great again: Have it again be a place where everybody goes around with a gun strapped to his/her waist & where bloody high-noon shoot-outs are a commonplace occurrence.

****************************************************

ANALYSIS: How should Trump ‘extract the poison of antisemitism?’

Well, if you're looking for a vampire or a chupacabra to do the job you've got the right guy.

****************************************************

Woman celebrates 118th birthday in Bolivia

Sez she plans to celebrate her 119th in Jamaica and her 120th in Djibouti.

****************************************************

‘Rabbi’ At Mike Pence Rally Thinks Jews Who Deny Christ Go To Hell

"However, as atheists know Hell doesn't exist, they at least have nothing to worry about."

****************************************************

Two generations of humans have killed off more than half the world’s wildlife populations, report finds

And here I thought we hadn't achieved anything of late!

****************************************************

Crane damages Russia's aircraft carrier

"The bird hit the boat," said a sailor, "And the whole ship shuddered like it was going to sink. Frankly, we're lucky to be alive!"

****************************************************

Scientists count whales from space

Mostly the very very fat ones.

****************************************************

Germany arrests Russian for smuggling 12 million cigarettes

He'd glued them into one long entry for the World's Longest Cigarette Contest, but custom agents didn't buy it.

****************************************************

74-year-old was hunting jackrabbits in New Mexico — when his dog shot him in the back

Dog told police it was just a simple misunderstanding over how many jackrabbits each of them were gonna be taking home.

****************************************************

Portugal's strays get 'cat mansions'

Police investigating sudden rash of new cathouses opening.

****************************************************

Barbra Streisand Scares The Crap Out Of James Corden On ‘Carpool Karaoke’

Ok now, Barbra may not have aged grecefully--but she did tell Corden she was Barbra Streisand before she got in the cab!

****************************************************

Why the arms race is still white hot decades after the Cold War ended — and how to stop it

1) tell the Russians & Chinese to make their countries genuine secular democracies

****************************************************

Why Trump is holding a flurry of rallies in the final days before the midterms

1) if his GOP enablers lose Trump will be that much closer to the slammer

Judge denies Trump’s request for stay in emoluments case

****************************************************

10 Things I Learned Working In A Cannabis Dispensary

1) after a while there you don't really care whether the customers pay or not

****************************************************

France issues warrants for high-ranking Syrian officials

High-ranking Syrian officials trembling in their Russian Jacuzzis.

****************************************************

Amazon, Facebook and Google are all being looked at for antitrust violations, Trump says

So they better start becoming more supportive of Trump family businesses. [Yes. We know.]

****************************************************

Trump Vows ‘Warlike Posture’ if Democrats Investigate Him

Of course. De Niro's Al Capone: "Somebody messes with me, I'm gonna mess with with him." [Ya hadda know this was coming.]

****************************************************

Farrakhan compares Trump to Satan during visit to Iran

This is worth looking into, as Farrakhan deals with Satan personally all the time.

****************************************************

Report: Saudi investigators worked to remove evidence

In the Saudis' defense: They ARE investigating themselves, after all.

****************************************************

Matt Whitaker's Appointment May Be Illegal, Fox News' Andrew Napolitano Says

Mmm, I wonder if that's gonna be a problem for Mister Trump...? [Hey, wadda'ya know: I just made a funny.]

If Donald Trump cared a cow's crap about the law do you think he would've defrauded as many people as he's been defrauding all his life? And cheated American taxpayers out of millions of dollars with his many criminal tax schemes!

If nothing else all of the moneys the Trump Family Mob has illegally amassed through the years should be seized immediately & held from them until it can be established in a court of law exactly how much of it was acquired fraudulently, by illegal bribes--And how much by Trump's criminal tax evasion schemes. Honest tax payers in a number of states are OWED that much.

Trump pick Whitaker had role with Miami Beach ‘scam’ firm ordered to pay back $25 million

What a surprise.

New acting attorney general once promoted a company accused of deceiving clients

Yep. That sounds like Trump's man all right.

****************************************************

Paul Waldman: Why are so many people Trump hires corrupt, incompetent and immoral?

For the same reason Lucky Luciano's & Al Capone's were. [Except, of course, that Trump isn't smart enough to pick competent criminals for his mob like those other two guys.]

****************************************************

Jeff Sessions Dealt Police Reform One Final Blow On His Way Out The Door

A rat to the last.

****************************************************

Are there '300 criminals' in the caravan?

Yes. Right now they are sleeping in their mothers' arms, but as soon as they get here Trump is gonna declare them criminals & stick'em in concentration camps out in the desert while he deports their mothers as far away from their babies as he possibly can.

****************************************************

Rich Russian who may have grossly overpaid for a Trump mansion is mired in a big scandal

Lots of foreigners who needed stuff from the U.S. have "overpaid" for Trump stuff. It's Trump's "art of the deal." But it will all come out. It always does. And that will be the bigly bigly scandal. ****************************************************

Flight Attendant Breastfeeds Passenger’s Crying Baby

Baby cries out: "Where are the damn female flight attendants!?!"

****************************************************

Animal control officers, nearby helpers catch loose chicken

Said she's been having sex with every cock in the neighborhood.

****************************************************

Topless female protester runs at Trump's motorcade in Paris

Aides restrained Trump from jumping out the limo after her with promises of "fountains of Russian hoes" at his hotel.

****************************************************

Trump visit to US cemetery in France canceled due to rain

In Trump's defense: Rain's a lot tougher reason than the one that kept him out of Vietnam.

****************************************************

Advocacy groups tell Gov. Rick Scott he should remove himself from recount process

To which the Republican governor responded: 'Then how am I gonna make sure I win?!?" [Yeah. Explain that!]

****************************************************

The rules are clear: Whitaker can’t supervise Mueller’s investigation

You mean theoretically, provided the "supervisors" are honest law-abiding & principled people. Because, in reality, if the "supervisors" are crooks then they will continue their crime spree until they are stopped by the cops because, as we all know, crooks can't stop themselves.

"If criminals could stop themselves there would be no crime."

****************************************************

By characterizing basic safeguards as illegitimate, Rick Scott and President Trump are undermining democracy.

What a surprise.

****************************************************

The president just appointed an acting attorney general who advised a company accused of scamming customers.

What a surprise.

5 Reasons Why Matthew Whitaker Isn’t Qualified To Be Acting Attorney General--He may have broken the law by receiving political donations, for one.

But that's the exact reason Trump picked him: To help him break the law.

Matthew Whitaker is a crackpot

Did Matthew Whitaker compromise the Mueller investigation?

Did Trump obstruct justice in public on Monday?

Donald Trump has admitted to obstruction of justice so many times now his admissions are getting as ridiculous as a serial killer's.

Trump’s latest tweets cross clear lines, experts say: Obstruction of justice and witness tampering

Matthew Whitaker has experience advising con artists. Will he help more under Trump?

Before joining Justice Dept., Whitaker made more than $900,000 from charity, took ‘legal fees’ from company accused of fraud

So, basically, he wasn't as brazenly rapacious a crook as most other Trump associates then?

15 AGs Support Lawsuit Challenging Trump’s Appointment Of Matt Whitake

Comey says acting attorney general ‘may not be the sharpest knife in our drawer’

Matthew Whitaker wasn't drawn out the drawer because he was sharp but because he was dull (enough to give cover to Mister Collusion even at the cost of risking prison himself).

But: Accountability is finally coming to the Trump administration. Its members should be terrified.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: How are skydiving and meddling similar? Both have their risks.

Nope: It's that if you stick your nose in too fast it's going to get flattened.

****************************************************

Trump is wrong. Concession speeches aren’t binding at all.

Really? I thought Trump had signed an executive order making concessions by Democrats legally binding?

****************************************************

Trump’s attack on asylum is based entirely on false claims

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Discovery of 13 million-year-old ape skull shows what human ancestors may have looked like

Hippies?

****************************************************

Man detained for attempted self-immolation with wine

This never works: My uncle Bepo's been trying to self-immolate with Whiskey for the last twenty years... he's still around (somewhere). [He does look more like a mole now, though.]

****************************************************

New Zealand launches testicle check booth

"We'll now be able to tell you whether you have or don't have them in a matter of seconds."

****************************************************

Why I am starting to worry about the dollar

It's the last & only one you've got in your pocket?

****************************************************

Russians caught crossing bridge disguised as bus

Didn't have enough for the fare on a real one.

****************************************************

The office snitch is stressing me out!

"Keeps asking me for more & more dirt on everybody!"

****************************************************

Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith (R-Miss.) said it should be harder for "liberal folks" to vote.

I disagree: The country would probably be far better served if before being allowed to vote every Republican should have to [at random] be able to accurately recite from memory at least 5 of the Constitution's amendments outside the voting booth.

****************************************************

Trump plans to nominate Andrew Wheeler, former coal lobbyist, as next EPA chief

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Trump says he’s finished writing answers to questions from special counsel Robert Mueller

Ran out of crayons? Nope: Mueller only wanted truths from Trump. Short story.

****************************************************

Jed Shugerman and Ethan J. Leib: This overlooked part of the Constitution could stop Trump from abusing his pardon power

Sorry. Nothing will stop Trump from abusing anything or anyone (except getting him into the slammer as soon as humanly possible).

****************************************************

A portrait of Vincent van Gogh as a tormented soul

Finally! I was growing tired of all the portraits of him as a never-ending joke-cracking party animal!

****************************************************

Turkey keeps 1 activist under arrest, releases 12 others

"He's being held under our There's-Always-One-In-The-Bunch law."

****************************************************

What Is It Going To Take For Black Lives To Matter In America?

Black votes.

****************************************************

A Look At Some Of President Trump’s Most Unpresidential Moments

Great. Now we'll have to relive every moment of his time in office!

****************************************************

Skulls Reveal Neanderthals, Humans Had Similarly Harsh Lives

Lots of knuckle impressions on their heads.

****************************************************

Painting found in Romania studied as possibly stolen Picasso

"First our experts will have to determine if it's a painting, of course. Could be anything."

****************************************************

Emotional Video Shows Woman Reunite With Cat Who Ran Off Into CA Wildfire

Cat told reporters: "Yeah. Ok. That's her. Whatever."

****************************************************

Trump says he can’t imagine anyone but himself as Time Person of the Year

‘I would give myself an A-plus’: Six key takeaways from Trump’s Fox News interview

How in the world does a fruitcake like Trump even get out the front door without the guys in the white coats chasing him down with nets? One, and one answer alone: Cash.

Why is Donald Trump so bad at being head of state?

No got no head.

****************************************************

Officials suggested sharing census responses with law enforcement, documents show

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Ivanka Trump used a personal account to send emails about government business

Lock her up! Lock her up!

****************************************************

Vegan activists launch campaign to give town of Wool a more sheep-friendly name

First up: MisterPotatoHeadTrumpville

****************************************************

Whale 'had 115 plastic cups' in stomach

"Yeah. Try telling a whale to only drink the coffee."

****************************************************

Why You Should Teach Your Kids The Real Words For Private Parts

I do! It's "Gazongas" and "Juan Pampeeram."

****************************************************

A turkey has spent more time on-camera in the briefing room this month than the press secretary

Leave him alone: Trump has a perfect right to be there is he wishes.

****************************************************

Democrats want to dump Pelosi? That’s just plain dumb.

Sure the Pelosi name is poison. But, really, all they have to do is have her change her name legally to Busty Peluzza or something. [And BANG she's good to go.]

****************************************************

Rabies alert back in Kendall after a raccoon is identified — and now there’s an otter

The raccoon was identified as Rocky. But police still aren't convinced the otter's name is really Otis.

****************************************************

Driver loses licence after 49 minutes

He's suing the cops for this taxi fare the rest of the way claiming his license was good for a full hour.

****************************************************

Nicklas Backstrom rejoins Alex Ovechkin on top line as injuries still sideline Oshie, Kuznetsov

I wonder if these are real people or they're just making up weird names to be funny?

****************************************************

Spanish Court Rules Union of Sex Workers Illegal

So, Spanish hoes can marry their Johns but not other hoes then?

****************************************************

Cleaner jailed for forging school record

Both Harvard and Yale claim she never got her Ph.D in cleaning from them.

****************************************************

Head of Russian intelligence agency GRU dies at 62

A capo in any mafia either supplants the Don or dies before his time because he knows too much. All capos know that.

****************************************************

The Fix: Trump broke his word on Jamal Khashoggi — plain and simple

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Delta Passenger Arrested After Witness Said He Ordered Jews To Raise Their Hands

Airlines have employees for that.

****************************************************

I Spent Thousands Feeding A Compulsive Shopping Addiction. Here’s How I Stopped.

Ran outta money. [Just like everybody else who's beaten this scourge.]

****************************************************

What sounds did dinosaurs make? And what colors were they?

Two key questions for President Trump's next news conference.

****************************************************

Pet Peacock Runs Away From Home And Takes Up With Wild Turkeys

"They keep riding their motorcycles up & down our street all night & stuff!"

****************************************************

Georgia Woman Who Was Locked Up For Possessing Cotton Candy Sues County

"Yeah. But, she had like a whole bag full of the stuff."

****************************************************

After rolling back regulations, Betsy DeVos plans new rules that could benefit for-profit colleges

When you rob a bank you can only stay in it for a few minutes before you need to run off with the loot. And Trump's people are well-versed in this.

****************************************************

Man Shot at New Jersey Mall Packed With Black Friday Shoppers

Does not say how many shoppers he was packing.

****************************************************

Iran’s Rouhani calls Israel a ‘cancerous tumor’

Never thought I'd see the day anybody in Iran would admit their country has terminal cancer.

****************************************************

Why prescription drug prices have skyrocketed

1) because no drug company has ever priced itself out of the market

****************************************************

Elon Musk says he will probably move to Mars

Excellent! One fewer asshole at the DisneyWorld lines.

****************************************************

50,000 women killed in 2017 by someone they knew

Who would bother to get to know 50,000 women if it weren't to do something criminal?

****************************************************

Tim Allen Reveals ‘The Santa Clause’ Was Originally A Lot Darker

"Santa and his pet cat steal all the toys in town to kill Christmas before changing his mind & claiming the credit for returning the toys. But we were threatened with legal action by some doctor up in New England."

****************************************************

Fact Checker: Four Pinocchios for Trump’s claim that Obama had the same family separation policy

AP FACT CHECK: Obama Didn't Have Family Separation Policy

President Donald Trump is falsely asserting that the federal policy that split migrant families at the border was practiced by his predecessor, Barack Obama, as well.

What a surprise.

Trump’s fake crises overshadow real ones

In Trump's defense: He can't tackle real crises, but he can always handle his own fakes ones by simply making them even worse still.

‘The situation keeps getting worse’: Unrest at U.S.-Mexico border creates new tension over migrant caravan

Dude, those are the very migrants this country is in need of the most! [Our crops are rotting in the fields & tons of no-experience-needed jobs are going wanting!] Those people at the border are not the world's migrants--They're OUR workers! Hell, even Ammon Bundy knows that:

Ammon Bundy breaks with Trump on anti-migrant rhetoric: ‘It’s all fear-based’

Trump says he’s considering a backup plan for the wall if Congress won’t fund it

Putting in bids on eBay for old pieces of The Iron Wall & hiring Gorbachev to "put it back up" again for him (down Mexico way).

Bruce Springsteen: Trump is ‘deeply damaged at his core’

Yet one more guy born in the USA who's come to see Trump for the crackpot he really is.

****************************************************

Trump says U.S. should launch state TV network

Can't get anyone but FOX to broadcast his propaganda, I see.

****************************************************

DENIER-IN-CHIEF: I DON’T ‘BELIEVE’ CLIMATE REPORT

"And I won't believe it," added Trump, "until my backers make the last dime they can make in the fossil fuel industry!"

****************************************************

Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke remains defiant amid ethics probes

"If criminals could stop themselves there would be no crime."

****************************************************

This city is offering you $10,000 to move there

They figure they'll more than make up that money when it costs you about twice that much to move outta there.

****************************************************

Elon Musk: To avoid becoming like monkeys, humans must merge with machines

Ironically, once we become machines we'll need a tail longer than any monkey's to stay plugged to a wall socket.

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Trump ramps up GM threats

What a surprise.

[Trump doesn't know how to even begin to solve anything--he just imagines everything can be solved with a tantrum. And he surfs the bankruptcies he leaves in his wake by cashing in the losses over at the IRS. Neat! If you don't care who you hurt.]

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Top GOP Lawmaker: ‘Awfully Tough’ For Ivanka Trump To Comply With Email Rules

In Ivanka Trump's defense: Hey, it's even tougher for purse-snatchers. But like Ivanka they too buck up, put on their running shoes & go!

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Trump says he is among those who ‘have very high levels of intelligence’ but are not ‘believers’ in climate change

Trump also believes that raindrops keep falling on his head because somewhere a saboteur is playing the radio too loud. [I think what Trump means is 'very high levels' of cash: Whopping morons with very high levels of cash are always being told they're the brightest, and most noble, kindest, greatest beings on earth. But of course it's just the cash that's being praising, not the whopping moron. [And Trump's just much too whopping a moron to grasp this.]

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Stan Lee’s Cause Of Death Revealed

"He was a thousand."

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Paul Manafort’s Lawyer Told Trump Team What His Client Said To Mueller: Report

What's a little witness-tampering to an obstruction-of-justice artist like Donald Trump?

As Cohen pleads guilty, raging Trump blows up GOP’s Mueller spin

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Russia and Ukraine had a short naval battle. Here’s what you need to know.

1) Ukraine's ricketty tugboat Navy with hulls made of Swiss cheese are NOT better than Russia's Navy

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John Bolton says he didn’t listen to tape of Khashoggi killing because ‘I don’t speak Arabic’

Translation: It might awaken his empathy and make him a human being. And nobody in the Trump administration wants that. [Including Trump himself, obviously, who also refused to listen to it.]

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The true depths of Trump’s cruelty are about to be exposed

Wonder if they're talking about the lousy way he treats that tall butler of his Mister Kelly...

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Wolf attacks man at cemetery in northern Germany

Man will be held in prison until after the next full moon.

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Scientific summit: Gene editing of embryos remains 'irresponsible,' with risks too great to allow

So within the next 20 years gene editing of embryos will become, in the developed world, almost a required factor before having children. As it would be inhuman to have a means to improve human life and not use it.

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Gene editing is here. It’s an enormous threat.

Dear troglodyte: Gene editing is/will be the saviour of mankind. Like medicine itself, except more modern. Humans have been editing their genes for as long as there have been humans: That's what we do when we mate with some blond (to make our babies blondies). That's what we do when we mate with a strong-chinned bloke, or some gorgeous face, or tall goomer. Gene editors will do more than these basic operations: They will cure every manner of illness/disease, make us immune to the common cold, and finally tackle all our worst disabilities, disfigurements, our utterly needless incapacities and vulnerabilities to the unlucky whims of fate.

Yes, like old time troglodytes who feared vaccination and even every form of modern medicine... for a time you current troglodytes will wail at the idea of gene editing that is promising to finally bring such brightness & light to the world like wild beasts howling at their first sight of an electric light amid the black of night... until all of you either die away trembling in some dark corner of your cave or, more likely: get drowned out by the majority of people who are being benefited by our ever-evolving modern medical techniques--like gene editing. Live with it!

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You’ve heard of Bad Santa? In South Beach, behold .... Naked Santa

Cops interested in knowing who recognized the naked guy was Santa.

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Ivanka Trump Defends Personal Emails, Says ‘Lock Her Up’ Doesn’t Apply To Her

Not while her DA-DEE is president, no.

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FDA Permits 'Export Only' Medical Devices Not for Use in US

"What'd we care," said Giuseppe 'Joe Z' Zaluchi: "They're animals anyway."

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How Trump appointees curbed a consumer protection agency loathed by the GOP

"Who needs a consumer protection agency," said Giuseppe 'Joe Z' Zaluchi: "They're animals anyway."

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As he ponders a 2020 presidential run, Beto O’Rourke meets with Barack Obama

What we need is a Bill Clinton with a micro penis who is NOT married to Bill Clinton.

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The Oakland University police chief said puck-throwing students "would be quite the distraction" to a shooter.

In fact, he sez he's thinking of distributing pucks to his police officers and taking away their guns.

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They always said Cher (and cockroaches) could survive the end of the world. Lately, she’s not so sure about that.

Cher has a voracious appetite for cockroaches & is afraid there might not be enough of them left alive after 'the end' to sustain her.

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Spanish Man Builds 60-Foot Spaceship To Visit Planet From His Novels

Excellent! One fewer asshole at the DisneyWorld lines.

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Macaulay Culkin Is Legally Changing His Name To Something Weird

Can't possibly be weirder than a little kid taking naked showers with Michael Jackson.

Former Maid Tells of Seeing Jackson in Shower With Boy

Michael Jackson's secret underage sex closet: Inside the raid that 'uncovered King of Pop's extensive collection of photos featuring naked teenage boys'

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How Trump’s Labor Secretary Covered For A Millionaire Sex Abuser

What a surprise.

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Does Trump get one thing right about the Fed?

"That, sir, is a physical impossibility."

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The ever-growing list of people Donald Trump says should be jailed

In related news:

For framing innocent black men, a Florida police chief gets three years in prison

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Ukraine urges NATO to deploy ships amid standoff with Russia

NATO sez: "Sure. And afterwards we can call the Apocalypse: WORLD WAR of the THREE Tugboats!"

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Trump Makes Nobel Peace Prize Prediction, Then Rants About Emmy Award Loss

Truman's tombstone holds up newspaper with headline: "Trump Wins Nobel Peace Prize For Not Machinegunning Children At The Border."

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FYI, Direct Flights And Nonstop Flights Are Different

Nonstop flights are those that don't stop at the specific place you're going.

Direct Flights are when all the many different planes you take fly directly towards where you're going.

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The Latest: Trump fails to single out Russia in Ukraine spat

But fear not: Mueller is assuring nervous Russia investors that Putin has already paid off this debt to Trump in full.

‘I don’t like that aggression’: Trump threatens to cancel Putin meeting over clash with Ukraine

Domestic consumption crap: Trump will "find" a way to "forgive" Putin.

[Wait for it. Wait for it.] There it is:

Kremlin says Trump, Putin have agreed to meet at G-20 summit

What a surprise.

Trump cancels planned meeting with Putin at upcoming G-20 summit in Argentina

Two seconds after his "outrage crap" was apparently a tad too soon for Trump. But it'll come. Wait for it. Wait for it.

The truth is finally catching up with Trump

Both the collusion and obstruction cases get stronger

The Latest: Kremlin surprised by Trump's Putin cancellation

Putin threatens to sue Trump for all the money he spent on Trump's 2016 election. Giving Trump a much needed laugh: "Plenty of room at the end of the line of people I've stiffed!" [So, "Back of the line, buddy! Back of the line!"]

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Pedestrians, 74 and 63, killed in separate incidents

It's either kill or get killed in this world--And once you reach old age they usually take away your driver's license so you can't go around killing pedestrians anymore; then you have to go on the run yourself (when you can barely walk). Sad, but that's our circle of life.

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How to not offend your co-workers and lose your job

Run them all down behind their backs so you can run over them & become their boss. Works every time in every workplace.

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‘Barber Shop Chronicles’ eavesdrops on men getting haircuts

Mostly shitchat about unmentionable itches & salves which best handle them. We've all been there. (sic.)

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Investigators have evidence that President Trump was in close contact with his lieutenants as they reached out to Moscow and WikiLeaks — and that they attempted to conceal their activities.

What a surpise.

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Does ‘In God We Trust’ belong in schools? More states say yes.

It's either that, or 'In Trump We Trust' [ C'mon! ]

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Dozer the cow is an inch taller than Knickers

Yes. I imagine a cow's knickers would have to be pretty big.

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Chinese staff fined for not walking enough

Chinese staff complains it only has one leg.

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Trump Once Mocked The Same George H.W. Bush Quote He Used To Remember Him With

I don't imagine Trump has that much storage capacity in his brain to remember many things he's heard anybody say. Or much else.

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The Confederacy was built on slavery. How can so many Southern whites still believe otherwise?

Denial: Most Southerners are in self-denial. [Unlike Germany where there was de-NAZIfication, the United States has still to implement de-Confederacification; so a lot of the Confederacy's children & grandchildren are still experiencing morbid dreams about the ancient evils of human slavery never having existed... or even coming back.]

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John Kerry feels liberated. Does that mean he’ll run for president?

If his wife lets him.

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Dominique Crenn Becomes First Woman In The United States To Earn 3 Michelin Stars

She would have earned four, but the truck drove off before she could change the last tire.

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Why it’s time to give the Soviet Union its due

Because if it weren't for the devastation wrought by the Soviet Union today's Russia would be the preeminent economic power in the world. And, would you really want that?!

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This Keys man was nearly deported to Jamaica. The problem? He’s from Philly.

Cops said maybe he should try to keep his reefers under a footlong.

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Tucker Carlson says Trump is ‘not capable’ and hasn’t kept his promises

In Trump's defense: He would have, for the right amount of cash.

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Florida couple accused of stealing boat for Cuban honeymoon

"We figured we'd sell it in Cuba and then float back to the U.S. on an inner tube with our cash."

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DC Clerk Nixes Marriage Of Man Because Of His ‘Foreign’ New Mexico ID Card--For the record, New Mexico became a U.S. state in 1912.

For the record, the American education system hasn't caught up to 1912 yet. [Patience: It should be up to 1912 in the next two/three hundred years. If th'evangelicals don't derail it, again.]

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Acting AG Whitaker has suggested that Trump plays with the truth

Plays with it?! Dude, that sonnavabitch's got'em spring loaded on a roll next to his toilet.

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China grants Trump family 18 trademarks in 2 months

Easing of American tariffs & trade war expected soon now.

Trump Says U.S. May Not Impose More Tariffs on China

Here we go.

Trump meeting with Xi at G-20 offers best chance in months to defuse U.S.-China trade fight

Oh, I think we're gonna see a marked improvement in Chinese relations now that Trump has told the Chinese which side his family's businesses he wants buttered.

U.S. and China Call Truce in Trade War

These things are so predictable I'm truly astonished that Trump is still 'Presidenting' out of prison, his graft pockets stuffed from selling his fellow Americans to every other country out there that's buying!

U.S., China agree to new talks as Trump pulls back on tariffs

What a surprise.

Wonder how much Trump making his coupla bucks in China cost regular Americans out in the heartland--But, hey, that's how Trump makes HIS cash.

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Analysis: SNL honors Bush for ability to laugh at himself. Was it a commentary on Trump?

Every ability is a commentary on Trump. Everything right & decent is a commentary on Trump.

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Trump says reports that CIA has tied Saudi prince to Khashoggi murder are 'premature'

Sez the United States will wait to see how much more the Saudis are gonna come across with on "renting" additional Trump properties.

Trump defends Saudi Arabia’s denial about death of Khashoggi

Apparently A LOT of "renting."

Saudi-funded lobbyist paid for 500 rooms at Trump’s hotel in late 2016

Dude, compared to the Trump Family Mafia's well-oiled Graft & Taxpayer Rip-off Machine the Clintons were just a couple of small-time penny-ante country bumpkin shoplifters.

Fact Checker: Trump’s claim of jobs from Saudi deals grows by leaps and bounds

We definitely need a special counsel to investigate just how much Saudi cash has "bounded" under the table or "leapt" over everybody's heads into Trump family businesses.

Exaggerating economic numbers is nothing new for Trump. Doing so to give the Saudis cover is.

U.S. House Panel to Probe Trump's Saudi Ties: Washington Post

That's a start.

It’s Not Just Trump in House Democrats’ Cross Hairs. His Family Is, Too.

Representative Jamie Raskin of Maryland, a Democrat who sits on two of the key investigative panels, said: “Politically speaking, this is the Achilles’ heel of the administration,” referring to the Trump family’s business dealings. “They have turned the government of the United States into a moneymaking operation for the president and his family and close friends. That is the exact opposite of our constitutional design.”

What a surprise.

****************************************************

What the !*?&%!@ is going on with the current economy?!

It's on the Trump rollercoaster: Enjoy the ride!

****************************************************

The stock market decline means ... what?

That Trump is (finally) raising all the punts & dinghies ... by lowering the water for the yachts. [Dude, I'd be willing to bet my lucky nickel (the one with Jefferson wearing a beret), that Al Capone & all the Italian Mafias never cost this country even a fraction of what the Trump Mafia & his crime family associates already have. So roll out those calculating machines & start cranking away!]

****************************************************

These 4 People Have The Coolest Job That You Never Knew Existed

They're in charge of chipping away any build-up of ice crystals on stiffs down at the morgue.

****************************************************

Franklin Graham and Robert Jeffress defend Trump after he did not recite the creed at George H.W. Bush’s funeral.

Oh thank Heavens! I was pretty sure it had to be because God had forbidden the Antichrist to do it.

****************************************************

VA chief Robert Wilkie once praised Jefferson Davis as ‘martyr to The Lost Cause’

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Nauert previously cited D-Day as the height of U.S.-German relations

What an ignoramus! I can see why Trump picked her. [Fits right in.]

****************************************************

Tillerson: Trump asked me to take illegal actions. Trump: ‘He was dumb as a rock.’

The two things are not mutually-excluding:

1) Trump always asks everyone around him to do illegal things, and

2) Trump thinks those who don't break the law are dumb

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Trump picks Barr as US attorney general

Two thing we know:

1) if he was picked by Trump then he must be a dumbass

2) if he accepted then he must be a horse's ass

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Anti-Zionism Isn’t the Same as Anti-Semitism

No two pears are the same. But most people just ask for a pear, not for a pear from this or that specific tree.

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Rat Spotted in Florida School Vending Machine

It's not selling as well as the other snacks, though.

****************************************************

After trusting Cohen for years, Trump now thinks he has no credibility

In Trump's defense: Same exact thing happened to John Gotti with his underboss Sammy the Bull Gravano.

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Will add more later. SDR
Buy the books: Each has hundreds & hundreds more...
[Thousands & thousands if you get the entire set.]
These are all real headlines--I'm the one who's unreal.

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DISCLAIMER: Note that my quips are almost exclusively all about the headline and the news articles themselves are in most cases irrelevant: Only because of the electronic nature of eBooks have I been able to include a [most convenient] search link to the actual news article... exclusively for the sake of those of you with a morbid curiosity (or a slow wit). But though I myself have read them, it is not really all that necessary that you put yourself through that too--unless, of course, you wish to find out whether my outrageous make of them might perhaps also be accurate (or just plain nuts).
S D Rodrian
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PERMISSIONS: As long as you provide the appropriate citation of authorship and Copyrights you may use [just one] of the above quips. More than one and you gotta pay me through the nose for their use.*
S D Rodrian

* NO mucus, please.

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SUNDRY OTHER S D Rodrian NOTES:

The Rules of Life
http://thesolutionisthis.com
The Stories and Poems of S D Rodrian
LATTER-DAY MUSINGS
.
Copyright Notice: Please note that none of the materials in this website are in the Public Domain, so please do not reproduce any of it without the proper permissions from the Copyright holder: S D Rodrian

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