Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at The KOBO Store.

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       Click Here for S D Rodrian's eBooks at Barnes & Noble.

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  "Remember: If you don't want me to quip
    about you, just stay out of the headlines!"

****************************************************

What to Know About Having a ‘Green’ Funeral

They pitch the corpse in a swamp tied to a rope and let it soak there a few days 'fore they haul it back out & pour it in the coffin. [Looking green!]

****************************************************

What It’s Like to Be Black in Austin

It's like being white in Zimbabwe. [Human nature, you know, not racism.]

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Forget Mexico, Trump Can’t Even Get Congress To Pay For His Wall

What's the big deal? Just tell Trump to put some damn clothes on before he goes out his yard, for God's sakes!

****************************************************

China’s Space Station May Crash to Earth on April Fools’ Day

OMG! It's gonna land on your city! [April's Fool!]

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Why Asking About Citizenship Could Make the Census Less Accurate

Hey, stupid: Politicos don't care about the census being accurate. What they care about is making the census into their political weapon.

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Regions across the country where home flipping is hottest

Hercules's regions that have lots of antisemites.
And Samson's regions with the fewest antisemites.

****************************************************

State Department braces for Bolton’s return

Don't worry--It won't be long before Trump replaces him [in a tizzy] with Roseanne Barr or somebody.

****************************************************

Rapper Killer Mike defends owning a gun

Sez his Rapper's License would get revoked if he didn't own one.

****************************************************

Ex-Playboy Model Who Claims Affair With Trump Says He Made Her Cry

Everyone's attracted to everyone else for their own weird reasons, I guess.

****************************************************

Why He Kayaked Across the Atlantic at 70 (for the Third Time)

Because the same great white keeps waiting for him out in the open sea and it can't do more'm the top 60s's why!

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Ask the French: Are they really rude?

"Well, that was a mistake!"

****************************************************

Former Disney actor, 22, joins White House

She will be in charge of doing the Mickey Mouse voice-overs for President Trump whenever he can't think of'em himself.

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US cop kills unarmed man with pants down

"He definitely had something in his hand, Judge." [OR: Cop must have been holstering a couple of really heavy caliber guns.]

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Driver tries to hit 2 soldiers with vehicle in French Alps

"Soon as he swung that truck over his head we knew the guy was bad news."

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Romanian village pestered by brandy-drinking bear

"He just will not accept the fact that we've only got vodka."

****************************************************

Sperm race funds rare bird's survival

Winner of the race will be given a cigarette.

****************************************************

Does Justin Trudeau apologise too much?

Lots worse things he could do if he weren't busy apologizing, you know.

****************************************************

Stormy Daniels’s lawyer pushes to depose Trump, saying Americans have been told ‘a bucket of lies’

Just one bucket? This is Trump we're talking about: Trump pours out nothing but buckets & buckets & buckets & buckets of lies.

****************************************************

You May Be Using Your Child’s Car Seat Incorrectly

I do feel a bit squeezed in it, yes!

****************************************************

These Are Society’s Worst Crimes Against Peeps

1) spreading black paint around the peeping holes

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People Want To Know Why Brooklyn Museum’s New African Art Curator Is White

Answer: Because his ancestors left Africa a long, long, long time ago. [It's one of the lessons the African Art museum wants visitors to learn--otherwise they'll continue to believe white & black people came from different planets.]

****************************************************

Syrians fleeing war, bloodshed now stranded on Greek island of Lesbos

Claim Lesbians are the best.

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Pope on Holy Thursday urges priests to be close to sinners

"Way ahead of you." [Priests tell Pope they couldn't be closer to sinners if they tried.]

****************************************************

No, bacon does not make everything better

I slabbed a whole load of bacon on my boss's head and it only made him an even worse boss!

****************************************************

Judge denies Stormy Daniels’s bid to expedite case against Trump over confidential agreement

Sez that Trump is such a terrible President that he's certain to be re-elected for a second term. ["So be patient!"]

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An investigation: Had people heard the word ‘trillion’ a decade ago?

Yes: For more than 20 years or more now I've been getting at least that many overdue bills in the mail every month.

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The Fix: Trump says U.S. will leave Syria ‘very soon’ — despite promises not to telegraph military moves

I'm sorry, but, when have you known Trump to NOT talk out both sides of his mouth?

****************************************************

Paleontologist Talks About Fossil ‘Find Of A Lifetime’ In Area Cut From Bears Ears

"It might be some kind of bears skull."

****************************************************

CBD is cannabis that won’t get you high. So why are so many people using it?

Altitude sickness.

****************************************************

Prominent Houston Pastor Indicted on Charges of Defrauding Investors

"The bum told everybody there was a God!" ["And that He needed some cash!"]

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The richest Americans get a $33,000 tax break under the GOP tax law. The poorest get $40.

In the rich's defense: The poor don't have to tip much.

****************************************************

Trilobites: Why Do Cracking Knuckles Make That Noise? You Might Need a Calculator

Reminds us of when we used to drag them that many millions of years ago and they cracked naturally.

****************************************************

Biggest Threat to Humanity? Climate Change, U.N. Chief Says

"If we had the right climate, we could easily put 60 ... 80 billion more people here."

****************************************************

Russian Envoy Derides US Claim of Arming Taliban

Of course, the customary usual Russian "implausible deniability" finesse (defense).

****************************************************

McCabe launches GoFundMe to raise money for legal costs

These things never work: I once launched a GoFundMe to become a billionaire and fell a couple of millions short.

****************************************************

Bush Ethics Chief Warns Trump Insiders: People Will Go ‘To The Slammer’

Unfortunately everybody already in the slammer was also told this before ending up there.

****************************************************

Suspect in school attack plot had 'unusual ideas'

"Macaroni... and Chiclets."

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Going Cashless: My Journey Into the Future

I can see it: That's pretty much been my journey to this point in time.

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U.S. Says It Can Pay for 100 Miles of Wall on 2,000-Mile Border

The rest will be paid by raising the toll on Mexicans crossing illegally into the U.S.

****************************************************

Schwarzenegger Wakes Up From Open Heart Surgery With A Catchphrase

"Maghria! I didn't dooit! I didn't dooit!"

****************************************************

The Latest: Pope Francis asks forgiveness for host of sins

Sez years ago he'd been the notorious Córdoba Cannibal serial killer.

****************************************************

Russia to expel 60 US diplomats, close consulate

"Joke's on them: Whereas before Trump we used to register our spies as janitors--Now all our diplomats really are janitors."

****************************************************

Yesterday’s favorite, Honduras whiplashed by Trump threats to cut U.S. aid

What a surprise.

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China lists $50B of US goods it might hit with 25 pct tariff

Sez US will have to hit their bads themselves.

****************************************************

Bahrain's largest oil find estimated at 80 billion barrels

Boast that's more than enough to cover every living creature on earth with up to sixty inches of tar.

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Trump says he didn’t know his attorney paid $130,000 to porn star Stormy Daniels

"I thought she was doing it strictly for the love she bore me," the Twit Tweeted.

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Egypt sentences 35 to life on terror charges

It's encouraging to finally see one of these Mideast Arab governments becoming more pro-life, for a change.

****************************************************

'Avengers: Infinity War' Directors, Downey Ask for Secrecy

Sez the movie's only worthwhile thing is the surprise ending, when the hero is killed. [Dude, that's basically every surprise ending in these type movies, you know.]

****************************************************

Cool Jazz: Bowhead Whales Improvise When Singing, Study Says

Does not say if they considered that maybe they just can't remember the song.

****************************************************

2 men jailed for killing goat at petting zoo in Germany

"Sorry, Judge: We pet every kid the same as we pet our own kids."

****************************************************

Classic car found buried in back garden

"Ah! So that's where I put it!"

****************************************************

Trump claimed his plan to put troops on the border is extraordinary. It was routine for Obama.

You should know by now every time Trump picks his nose it's like "the greatest nose-picking in the entire history of man."

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More dogs die on United than on any other airline. Here’s why.

Their over-indulging nature--lett'n'em stick their heads out the window whenever they want.

****************************************************

Trump Calls Amazon and Other Businesses ‘Stupid’ on Twitter

Yeah: They don't use bankruptsy to defraud their employees and creditors like Trump's businesses.

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He Ate the World’s Hottest Pepper, Then Landed in the Hospital With ‘Thunderclap’ Headaches

Should've had a V8

****************************************************

House in Texas explodes after being struck by car

Wouldn't you know it was the only house in the entire neighborhood NOT underwater.

****************************************************

Catalonia's defiant ex-leader freed on bail from German jail

Does not say why the jail posted his bail. [Maybe he doesn't bathe as often as he should.]

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Trump threatened China with $100 billion in tariffs. Beijing plays it cool.

Chinese are morons: They should've known when Trump threatened 60 billion in tariffs he was just blowing it out his ass & would've settled for a couple of thousand bucks' concessions. But now they've pushed Trump into a corner, and a cornered rat is always a dangerous animal.

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Is Russia all out of oligarchs? It says it is.

Putin claims he's pretty sure he got all their wealth in his own name now.

****************************************************

Germany: mother and son apparently killed by their dog

Dog used the gun it owned legally, as it was a guard dog.

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French mayor sorry for Ikea April Fool

"Ha! Knew he couldn't have slapped together his Ikea stool in under an hour!"

****************************************************

There’s no victory for Trump in Syria, but he could court disaster

The best punishment the U.S. could inflict on all the evildoers in Syria would be to do nothing and just let them keep punishing themselves there. [Certainly the civilians there don't need us punishing them on top of everybody else there already doing it.]

****************************************************

Trump Denounces Raid as ‘Attack on Our Country’

For Trump, "Anything that gets my ass closer to the slammer" is an attack on our country.

****************************************************

Don’t Get Married Yet If Your Partner Does These 9 Things

1) goes out of his way to run over pigeons/squirrels
2) enjoys tripping waiters/buss boys more'n tipping'em
3) is holding a garage full of tricycles "for ransom"
4) steals small appliances from your house every visit
5) boasts about the hurt he's put on previous lovers
6) throws rocks at old people walking out on the street
7) makes his money borrowing from Alzheimer sufferers
8) pushes people off train platforms in his spare time
9) claims there's no such things as a restraining order

****************************************************

Virginia’s Tony Bennett was voted college basketball coach of year, and he beat you to all of your jokes

Wonder if that includes the one about the clown who'd beat people up until they laughed because that's the only talent for clowning he had?

****************************************************

Alert cat wakes owner who spots thief, leading to an arrest in Maryland

"I thought the best course of action," cat told reporters, "was to just let the two of them fight it out."

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We’ve seen this movie before. It ended with impeachment.

Yeah, but this one's a talkie, and in spectacular Technicolor. Enjoy!

****************************************************

Here's Why I Invented A 'Death Machine' That Lets People Take Their Own Lives

"Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door," yes, we know, Mister Ralph Waldo Emerson. ["Hey, Ma! Look: I'm a billionaire."]

****************************************************

Nazi legacy found in Norwegian trees

Most of'em are still standing there with at least one branch making the Nazi salute!

****************************************************

Builders find mummified monkey in US shop

Does not say what they were building, but Monkey must've been quite a steal to make it into the papers like this.

****************************************************

What did Trump mean when he said the U.S. missiles heading for Syria are ‘smart’?

He means they're smarter than he is.

****************************************************

SpaceX Capsule Reaches Space Station With Food, Experiments

Guess it needed the food to keep up its strength for all that experimenting up there.

****************************************************

Sex Abuse Scandal Casts Shadow Over Nobel Prize for Literature

So, what then... Lady GaGa ain't gett'n it this year?!

****************************************************

Fossil Finger Points to Early Humans Entering Saudi Arabia

Pointing was accompanied by creepy organ music.

****************************************************

‘The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven’ now wants his day in court

Claims God touched him inappropriately.

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It would be the world’s largest airplane. It’s being built by a billionaire. And it’s getting ready to fly.

It's so big they will be able to grow all the weed they want in it, bail it up, & then unload it all upon landing without having to pick up any of it in Mexico.

****************************************************

A $4 bottle of nonalcoholic ‘rosé’ welcomes everyone to the party

Same bottle of grape juice without the ‘rosé’ label is $1.75 over at Pop's.

****************************************************

After his new national security adviser gets enthusiastic applause, Trump says he might have to fire him

Should have told the audience to applaud Trump instead: This is a grievous fault in any Trump lackey--who is now certainly made himself worthy of being fired by Trump.

****************************************************

They lured a sex-predator suspect to their home and hogtied him. Now they could face charges.

From the hog?

****************************************************

Russia accused of tampering with the site of alleged Syrian chemical attack

Impossible! What, an honorable man like Putin, a high-principled country like Russia?!

****************************************************

Nikki Haley finds herself under the bus as Trump shifts course on Russia

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Multiple shark maulings fail to keep Australian surfers from the water

"Er-ah! I was mauled three time this morning," said one Aussie: "But e-ah I am again Band-Aids & all whipping'em waves, mate!"

****************************************************

France’s Macron tries to walk back remarks that he persuaded Trump to keep troops in Syria

I've done this. Once I told people I had invented the horse & had to do a long walk after I got thrown off that high horse.

****************************************************

Starbucks CEO calls for ‘unconscious bias’ training

Apparently scientists have finally given up trying to teach people to be unbiased while they're still awake. ["Can't be done, sir. Can not be done."] So instead they're gonna try knocking it into their heads.

****************************************************

Russia: Syria chemical attack 'fabrication'

This is the Russians' way of proving to the world exactly what a big bunch of liars they are (without actually having to say so explicitly).

****************************************************

Shaquille O’Neal Doesn’t Know Who The Queen Of England Is

In Shaquille O’Neal's defense: There are so many rappers out there these days that it's damn hard keeping'em straight.

****************************************************

Joe Wilson Reacts To Libby Pardon: ‘Trump Is A Vile And Despicable Individual’

Cohen: Tethered to a Raging Buffoon Called Trump

See! This is the problem with getting into public life, Mister Trump: Everybody finally gets to know the real you. [from the best-selling You Can Run, And Then You Can't Hide]

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‘Untruthful slime ball’: Trump blasts Comey as details emerge from scathing book

‘Untruthful slime ball’: Yes! Of course! That's the term I was searching for which exactly characterizes Donald Trump: Thanks!

****************************************************

NASA Rocketed Human Sperm Into Space

Nothing to worry about here: Just Trump's salute to the universe.

****************************************************

Could Russia and West be heading for cyber-war?

Russia accused of net hack attacks

A few more such attacks and, yes, it could yet dawn on the West that they might be heading into a cyber-war with Russia someday.

****************************************************

Gay vultures' chick released in Italy

Wonder how they got one of them to lay the egg.

****************************************************

Russian reporter dies after mystery fall

Putin claims to have proof that the men he sent to throw him over the fifth-floor railing had absolutely nothing to do with it. [And everybody in Russia believes him, of course.]

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If You Own Guns You Don’t Want Anymore, We Want To Talk To You

Please call The Crips Inc.
Please call The Bloods Inc.

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PENCE AIDE OUT AFTER 2 DAYS

Yeah! Beat that, Mister Trump! ["Did. I canned Scaramucci even before he started the job."] Oh.

****************************************************

New museum chief fiercely promotes African art, but faces a more prosaic problem at home

His family doesn't appreciate the fierce attitude he brings home from work.

****************************************************

GM claims the Chevy Bolt gets 238 miles per charge. Here’s why that’s misleading.

Every time you step on the brakes it uses power, so too when you use the radio, air conditioner, open a window, turn a light on... and so it really only goes 2 and a half blocks [max] per charge. [Unless you push it, of course.]

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You may be surprised what retirement income is taxed and what isn’t

1) retirement income of those who need it is
2) retirement income of those who don't need it ain't

[courtesy The RNC]

****************************************************

William Nack, prizewinning sportswriter and bard of Secretariat, dies at 77

Wait, what?... The horse wasn't writing his own poetry?!? [And here I thought it was pretty good stuff too, for a horse.]

****************************************************

School Apologizes For Asking Students To List ‘Positive Aspects’ Of Slavery

1) iron-clad job security

****************************************************

Greece: Man electrocuted at rail depot thought to be migrant

How drunk ya gotta be to think a rail depot was a migrant?!

****************************************************

North Korea says it has suspended nuclear and long-range missile tests, plans to close nuclear test site

Guess Kim Jong Un reads the papers too & want to get a hold of Trump before they stick him in the slammer.

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US: Russia, Syria sanitizing chemical attack site

What a waste! What bugs could've lived through that?

****************************************************

Swaziland king says he's renaming the country

From now on it will be known as Joey's.

****************************************************

Australia bank charged fees to dead clients

In the bank's defense: Not one of'em disputed the charges.

****************************************************

Aussies split over plans to trap peacocks

Peacocks split over not wanting to be trapped but also not wanting to be ignored either. Stay tuned.

****************************************************

Prague zookeepers use puppet to raise endangered magpie

Puppet would rather be working Vegas, but sez lucky to get any gig.

****************************************************

Developers turn to offering renters 'micro-apartments'

"My husband especially loves the handy bed/toilet combo."

****************************************************

‘The essence of life is kind of a nostalgia anticipation sandwich’: Philosophy 101 with Julian Casablancas

Dude, the essence of life is shit: Plants eat our shit & we eat theirs. [Then, when we all die: We eat them & they eat us. Still shit, though: Everything always ends up in shit.]

****************************************************

Ingenious baboons escape Texas biomedical lab for brief taste of freedom

"Sorry," the guard apologized: "They said they were foreign-exchange researchers. Showed me ID and everything." ["Frankly, some of'em looked more human than a lot of the people that work here."]

****************************************************

Richard Jenrette, noted investment banker, dies at 89

His last words were, "God! All I need's just one more lousy million!"

****************************************************

New inspector general report points to recurring government problems

1) government's being run by people who know how to work the system instead of people who know how to make the system work

****************************************************

How to live it up without going broke before you die

1) find out when you're going to die, and then budget your cash accordingly. [If you're more short of cash than life, sorry.]

****************************************************

Man exposes himself to a child at a Maryland store, police say

"I should have exposed myself to something less toxic, like cyanide or radiation," he later told police.

****************************************************

Do Americans need to adapt to America in decline?

When Americans no longer care whether their leaders are ethical or moral our "decline" is not all that far away from the complete collapse of the American experiment. Trump is a sign of America's decline: Really, the most important sign that Americans themselves may be impatient for that collapse.

[In unrelated news: Trump stubbed his toe today and then tweeted that this definitively proves that there was never any collusion.]

****************************************************

Male fruit flies find ejaculation pleasurable, Israeli researchers find

You mean they don't do it out of a sense of duty?!

****************************************************

Squirrel Wins UC Berkeley Student Senate Seat

In squirrel's defense: He was the only one in class paying any attention that entire year.

****************************************************

Copperfield forced to reveal magic trick

It turned out that when David turned his back to the audience he'd hide the elephant in a false tooth!

****************************************************

‘Overwhelmed’ Letter Carrier Allegedly Held Onto 17,000 Pieces Of Mail

Postal Service now studying feasibility of having each letter carrier hold on to at least that many pieces of mail in order to cut costs.

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Cohen Said He’d Take a Bullet for Trump. Maybe Not Anymore.

In Cohen's defense: He didn't actually say it had to be fired from a gun. [from The Lawyer's Tricks Handbook]

****************************************************

Can You Guess What America Will Look Like in 10,000 Years? A Quiz

What do we get if we get it right?

****************************************************

Uranus Is Actually A Giant Ball Of Farts Floating In Space, Study Finds

I did suspect some of'em might be powerful enough to go that high, yes. But mine is a down-to-earth ass, I assure you.

****************************************************

Shark attacks man who was bitten in head by a bear. Then there was the rattlesnake ...

Next up: "Balancing a black widow spider on the tip of my tongue."

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How to enjoy the alcohol that once betrayed you

Rub it on your skin instead of pouring it down your gullet.

****************************************************

Man Shoots Wife Going to Bathroom, Mistaking Her for Burglar

In man's defense: Last thing you want is some burglar breaking in on you while you're sitting on the Crapper.

****************************************************

Scientists Find Lots of Gorillas in Census, Also See Decline

The gorillas seem to be living mostly everywhere the constructing boom is now in decline.

****************************************************

The Final House Intelligence Committee Report On Russia Defends Trump

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Toxic Caterpillars Invading Parts of London, Officials Warn

Anti-Toxicaterpillophobes already planning protests.

****************************************************

Former Trump Tower in Azerbaijan, Dogged by Controversy, Is Engulfed by Fire

Guess the old saying is true: Satan loves to take up residence at Trump's fire traps.

****************************************************

Republicans Reject Investigation Into Why Paul Ryan Fired House Chaplain

Patrick Conroy was forced out of his job after praying for no “winners and losers” under the GOP tax law.

Paul Ryan sez no tax plan can have winners without having losers. [And that he damn well knows whom he designed coming out the losers in his massive tax fraud.]

****************************************************

America can’t quite decide what to do with its first ladies

Well, guess we've finally laughed at them long enough.

****************************************************

Investigation at dead end in American University hate crime

Conclusion: Everyone hates as much as he loves. And as much as we all love to love people for what they love... we all love to hate people for what they hate. We also love people for what they hate & hate people for what they love, too. [So it's pointless to toss up this coin.]

****************************************************

Here’s what it takes to whiten teeth

Same thing it takes those big apes at the gym to build up their mountains of muscles: Lots of wasted life going back & forth or up & down. [Probably both.]

****************************************************

Let’s take our kids to work and teach them about inequality

Yeah! We've been working there too long.

****************************************************

What sound does a penguin make?

Sounds like a penguin.

****************************************************

Hundreds evacuated a college library, fearing a gas leak. It was a durian.

Yes, of course! I was abducted by a bunch of durians once & taken to the planet Duro, where I met Mark Twain: [Funny guy.] Then they flew me back to Earth just in time for my release from the asylum.

****************************************************

Trump said it was ‘tough to watch too much’ of the Paralympics. Was it derogatory?

Has Trump ever said anything that was not derogatory? [Google it! Google it!]

****************************************************

Macron and Merkel have handed Trump a road map

Trump doesn't read [maps, anything]. He sez he'll find his own way to the can. "Thank you."

****************************************************

Five myths about artificial intelligence

1) things, objects & other stuff [cars, phones, toasters] will never become as intelligent as people

****************************************************

Almost half of pregnancies in the U.S. are unplanned. There’s a surprisingly easy way to change that.

Cut the pretense and just go on your date with every intention of getting pregnant.

****************************************************

Now Roseanne Barr Dreams Of Being Israel’s Prime Minister

Sez she might not be able to run a country but she can talk trash better than Netanyahu.

****************************************************

Some Democrats Want Clinton To Return DNC’s Money

Clinton can return some purses & shoes & pant dresses she bought with it, but the rest of the cash is gone. Sorry.

****************************************************

Swing back, sweet pendulum!

Coming for to take me some time. Oh!

****************************************************

Does Trump deserve credit for the Korea negotiations?

Yes. Trump is the greatest Korean speaker in all human history.

****************************************************

A rare eye cancer showed up in three friends. Doctors want to know if the cases are connected.

"Who you'all been peeping at?"

****************************************************

Roy Moore lawsuit claims ‘political conspiracy’ against him in Senate race

Sez the aluminum foil he's been wrapping around his head ain't helping him any, either.

****************************************************

Kelly denies calling Trump an ‘idiot,’ says news report is ‘pathetic attempt to smear people’

Sez the last person you call an idiot's an idiot.

****************************************************

What's changed after Netanyahu's show?

'Something' had the BBC used 'presentation' instead of 'show' in its news headline. But same ole/same ole, we see.

****************************************************

Trump wrote own health letter, doctor says

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Kanye West suggests slavery was 'a choice'

The choice of the slave owners, sure.

****************************************************

India worried as Taj Mahal changes colour

Sherwin-Williams already looking into it as a possible new business opportunity.

****************************************************

Many GOP politicians dislike Trump. They’re terrified to admit it.

You know, same as with Satan and all the demons of Hell.

****************************************************

California Man Admits Illegally Importing Protected Fish

Sez he didn't admit to it before because he first had to take it out of his mouth... where he was protecting it.

****************************************************

He bottle-fed a lion cub. Ten years later, it attacked him on video and was shot dead.

Apparently there WERE some parts of LION he didn't understand.

****************************************************

Trump Replaces Ty Cobb With Clinton Impeachment Lawyer

Lawyer not as tough running bases but his spit balls are much more slimy. [And Trump prefers that on his team.]

****************************************************

Mueller and Co. are playing hardball

Shouldn't they be working? [This is why Trump gets away with so much stuff.]

****************************************************

Could you pass Trump's brain test?

You mean how deep the roots of his transpanted ass hair grow? Or whether Trump has one?

****************************************************

Man Accused of Masturbating on Train Rips His Wanted Posters

"Here," he said: "I'll take my pants down right now and you can shoot a much better picture with your phone for my mug shot than that piece of crap up there!"

****************************************************

Don’t pick any of the favorites to win the Kentucky Derby

Put all your money on the nag you know's gonna be coming in last like you normally do.

****************************************************

Bomber kills 2 in attack on Pakistan nuclear agency bus

One good thing is he won't be doing that again.

****************************************************

Giuliani claims Trump ‘immune’ from Mueller subpoena

Sez His Majesty Trump is so far above the law they're constantly having to reel him back down to earth (ten, twelve times per day).

****************************************************

This 104-year old Australian academic wants to die — and Switzerland is ready to help

"Such a waste!" Austria cried out: "We've got a cannibal down here could use a few gamey pounds like that."

****************************************************

Camille Cosby on her husband’s conviction: ‘This is mob justice, not real justice’

Well, Bill Cosby done a whole mob of women wrong, and now is their day of Justice. So mob justice it may well be. Hey, hey, hey.

****************************************************

What Robert Mueller Reportedly Wants To Ask Trump

1) Mumbo Jumbo poopity poo
     I am me--Who are you?

****************************************************

Giuliani is repeating mistakes that brought down previous Trump advisers

Really, how many times these morons gotta be told that Trump doesn't have advisers--what he has is [people who had reputations before he hired them] to act as puppets because he's convinced that making his stupid gibberish come out of their mouths will make it sound intelligent.

****************************************************

Iran pushes app with 'Death to America' emoji

"We're a religious nation," said they: "So the normal thing for us is to wish death on others and, in fact, if they don't die to then go over and butcher them." ["It's in all the religious texts."]

****************************************************

The rise and fall of Brazilian art patron Bernardo Paz

Rose when he had the cash to patronize the arts. Fell when they found out he was broke & they kicked his ass out to the pavement.

****************************************************

I sold all I had to go to Europe - now I'm home, and broke

Then my neighbor told me that our country is part of Europe, and always has been! Damn it!

****************************************************

The woman who watched 300 executions

"The hardest part was framing enough of'em," (when she started running out of people sentenced to death), "so I could break the record."

****************************************************

The Other Reason Trump Hasn't Fired Scott Pruitt: His Evangelical Christian Ties

Sez Pruitt's bow ties are really hypnotic when he twirls them under his chin--You can just make out Jesus in the swirl.

****************************************************

Paris gallery opens its doors to nudists

But fear not: Gallery seats will now be upholstered with toilet paper.

****************************************************

Printing Body Parts in Hospital Shows 3D Tech's Growing Reach

Cut the pretense: They're making sex toys.

****************************************************

Amid Trade Tensions, Merkel Commends Macron's 'Elan'

Macron then commended Merkel's own doggy 'Schpitz'

****************************************************

US college loses weapons-grade plutonium

'If those kids want to have plutonium," said the dean: "They'll just have to order it through the internet like everyone else."

****************************************************

NASA Terminates Last Moon Rover After Trump Touts New Era Of Lunar Exploration

Trump sez Moon Rover will no longer be wider than a mile. And nobody's gonna be crossing it in style any day soon (unless they let his daughter Palanka become an astronaut first).

****************************************************

Is Scott Pruitt the most corrupt member of the Trump administration?

No. Trump is the most corrupt. Then members of his immediate family. After that: extended & distant members of his family. And only after all of those... associates who are not family but only capos like Pruitt.

****************************************************

How many questions could Trump answer in a 2-hour interview with Mueller?

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that question?"

****************************************************

9/11 Mastermind Waterboarded By CIA Has Information To Share About Gina Haspel

Man, this guy's just an incorrigible, terrible, terrible snitch!

****************************************************

Trump thanks federal employees with $143.5 billion in retirement cuts

That is SO like Trump. But, hey: They're not the first Trump's flim-flamed. And they certainly won't be the last. ["Trust me," sez Trump.]

****************************************************

Company sold $25,000 ‘service dogs’ that were really just untrained puppies, Virginia says

In the company' defense: The ads didn't specifically say the 'service dogs' had already been trained. Did they?

****************************************************

Trump just accelerated Iran’s implosion. He won’t like the results.

I'm sorry, were you born yesterday? Or is it that you have no idea who this Trump guy is?

****************************************************

This 104-year-old just died, after making a parting statement about assisted suicide

"Ah! Now this is living!"

****************************************************

Trump muses about yanking news media credentials in response to negative coverage

Sure. Erdogan and Putin do it all the time; so why not Trumpie? Hitler and Stalin were the best at it, though.

****************************************************

Mercedes Expects 3-Way Fight to Continue in Spanish GP

Does not name the other two girls Mercedes is in the fight with--All we know is they obviously must also speak Spanish.

****************************************************

Insurance Companies Unfairly Discriminate Against Mental Illness

In insurance companies' defense: When they tried to discriminate against it fairly, it bit'em in the ass.

****************************************************

Woman married days after losing arm to crocodile

"Men ask for a woman's hand," said the croc: "And we snatch the entire arm."

****************************************************

92-year-old set to become world's oldest elected leader in Malaysia

Supporters debating when to wake him and let him know he has won the election. ["Not until there's a doctor present, though!"]

****************************************************

Philippines to launch first missile-firing assault vessels

Duterte's already ordered the best, strongest rubber bands made in China.

****************************************************

Iranian MP denies Iran has bases in Syria...

Well, sure, now that Israel's destroyed them all.

****************************************************

What happened when I stopped trying to be the best mom and embraced being an okay mom

Your baby just learned to talk & told you where to get off. [from the best-selling It Happens To Each Mom]

****************************************************

We Need To Talk About White People Calling The Cops On People Of Color

Hello, police? There's a strange man outside...

Ma'am, we can't go out after every strange man out there.

He might be black.

Oh? What makes you think he's black?

He's talking to himself, waving his arms about, and he jerks up & down a lot when he walks.

Yeah. He sounds black. Keep your door closed and we'll be there in a jiffy. When we get there keep your head down as low as you can in case he is black.

****************************************************

Der Spiegel Cover Portrays Trump As A Finger Flipping Off Europe

In Trump's defense: He IS a finger flipping off everyone.

****************************************************

At campaign rallies for Republican hopefuls, Trump’s focus is on himself

What a surprise.

****************************************************

Elon Musk’s latest innovation attempt: A SpaceX rocket that can fly twice in one day

Sez that SpaceX's corporate goal is creating a rocket that will fly time after time after time until it just blows up.

****************************************************

Europe faces a wave of freed terror convicts. Is it ready?

In the worst case scenario they can always ask Russia to come in and help them, like Assad.

****************************************************

Putin Scores 5 Goals in Exhibition Hockey Game

Russian police still searching for the bodies of the hockey players in a previous exhibition game in which Putin didn't score any goals at all.

****************************************************

Killers of Mexican Students Dissolved 12 Victims in Acid

In drug cartel assassins' defense: They did try tequila first; but it was a no-go.

****************************************************

Pence says it’s time for special counsel to ‘wrap up’ Russia investigation

The guy is shameless: He just can't wait until Trump's indicted and removed from office so he can take over!

****************************************************

Salma Hayek says change is happening in Hollywood, but male actors should take pay cuts

Male actors immediately heard across Hollywood calling their agents and asking them to negotiate for less money.

****************************************************

Double amputee who his lost his feet climbing Everest 43 years ago finally reaches summit

"Nope: Not up here either!" ["Hope it doesn't also take me 43 years to get to the bottom!"]

****************************************************

A 14th human foot — this one in a hiking boot — washes ashore in Canada

Canadian government proposes classes for its citizens on how to take their shoes off less violently. [You know how forceful those Canadians can be!]

****************************************************

Al Qaeda chief says Tel Aviv also belongs to Muslims

In Al Qaeda chief's defense: The Koran sez the whole world belongs to Islam [or else!], so why not Tel Aviv too.

****************************************************

Surest Way in New York to Face Marijuana Charges: Be Black or Hispanic

Apparently, if a cop don't know whether to deport you or shoot you arresting you for weed is the compromise in NY.

****************************************************

Reasons I May Be Eating Right Now

1) Hungry.

2) I'm at mom's.

3) There's a 2-for-1 special at Dogs Gone.

4) Something's in my mouth & it ain't Joan.

****************************************************

Katy Perry Meets Pope Francis, Speaks At Vatican Conference

Katy said she wants an end to war and for people to love & care for one another. [Pope Francis said he agrees with most of that.]

****************************************************

Mosquito- And Tick-Borne Diseases Have Tripled, But The CDC Won't Say It's Climate Change

They're still insisting it's the ticks and mosquitos themselves.

****************************************************

No, A Monkey Can't Copyright His Selfies, Federal Appeals Court Rules

Monkey now trying to set up a dummy corporation [Mano-A-Mono] to do a work-about the prohibition. Stay tuned.

****************************************************

Trump Declares Hawaii’s Devastating Eruptions A Major Disaster

Classic from The Annals of Pot Calling The Kettle Black.

****************************************************

Pink Had A Badass Response To A Troll Who Said She Looked Old

"Ha! Joke's on you, you sonnabitch: I'm really a LOT older than I look!"

****************************************************

Larry Nassar’s Victims To Receive $500 Million In Michigan State Settlement

Michigan State tells employees: "See, this is why we haven't been giving you guys raises all these years."

****************************************************

ETHICS OFFICE FLAGS TRUMP’S 100K PAYMENT TO COHEN

Trump fires everybody in Ethics Office (none of whom had apparenly heard that Trump has no ethics whatsoever, poor bastards).

****************************************************

Indian-American Rep. Tactfully Responds To Caller Who Questions Her Citizenship

The only reason you are a citizen is because the constitution says how & why you are a citizen, same as with everyone else who is a citizen.

****************************************************

World slams disproportionate force in Gaza as IDF kills dozens of Gazans

"All the Gazans want is to run into Israel and butcher as many Jews as possible--Is that really too much to ask?!?"

****************************************************

SpaceX's Upgraded Rocket Soars With Satellite for Bangladesh

Guess Bangladesh must be up from where they fired the rocket.

****************************************************

Cancer Docs Feel Unprepared, but Recommend Marijuana Anyway

Say dope makes them feel better about all their medical school failures & setbacks & shit.

****************************************************

Israel Protests at Televised Turkish Airport Patdown of Its Envoy

This is absolutely Israel's fault: It should've known that you don't go live with a pack of dogs and expect to not be bitten.

****************************************************

What would you do with $300 million to improve Miami Beach? The city wants to know.

I would move to Vegas. Hell, all my neighbors at the Beach're trying to crowdfund me outta there now.

****************************************************

Did he act as the lookout for gold bar heist? Suspect says he was just along for the ride

So the Judge told him he was to get off soon as he got to the clinker.

****************************************************

The Latest: Seattle approves business tax for homelessness

From now on if your business is being homeless in Seatle you're no longer going to be able to ride the gravy train.

****************************************************

As D.I.Y. Gene Editing Gains Popularity, ‘Someone Is Going to Get Hurt’

Probably the guy whose genes they're editing: "Let's see what he looks like with hands in place of ears." ["What were we thinking, right!"] "A head that can take off its hat by itself?"

****************************************************

Polish soccer fans accidentally lit their own stadium on fire

Obviously ignored the First Rule of Polish Lawbreakers: "Find a policeman and ask him if you're at the bank which you intend to rob."

****************************************************

Do more people believe in God in Trump's America?

Gotta: Everybody knows God's a brutal merciless butcher [there is NO such thing as a good "act of God"], so people turning more evil by the minute now shows God is definitely in the mix here.

****************************************************

The only pancakes worth getting out of bed for on a lazy Sunday

Those somebody else made. [What'd you think!]

****************************************************

This new Oreo flavor tastes like floor cleaner

"Wow! We didn't think anybody'd get it this quickly." [But, really: Who knew there was anybody out there sipping floor cleaner?]

****************************************************

The Farm Bill Could Be A Huge Blow To Animals

Cows are threatening to moo.

****************************************************

While Black: Have You Been Profiled? Share Your Story.

Yes: While I was black I was profiled. So I decided to go back to being white & that fixed it: Cops that used to drag me outta my car through the window now wave at me & wish me a good day. [from the best-setting Once You're White You Never Go Black]

****************************************************

Teacher Caught On Video Drowning Raccoons With Students

Police investigating raccoon drownings as possible cruelty to animals. It will be up to the parents whether drowning students should also be investigated.

****************************************************

Late passenger attempts to break into plane

"Sir, please get off the wing: You keep making the plane bank to the right!"

****************************************************

Calling immigrants ‘animals,’ Trump evokes an ugly history of dehumanization

Congratulations Donald Trump on so corrupting the humanity of those who heard you say this & other barbarities that none of them ever voices an objection.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: Try as we may, we can’t turn a blind eye to tragedy

Nonsense: First, make sure one of your eyes is blind. [Or blind it.]

****************************************************

Kerry says civil discourse is under threat around the world

Yeah, but he's a dickhead.

****************************************************

Japanese and Macedonian climbers die on Mount Everest

The good news is: If nobody died climbing Mount Everest everybody'd lose interest in trying to get themselves killed climbing it. So this is definitely a win-win.

****************************************************

Security Council mulls mission to protect Palestinians

To protect Palestinians or to protect Hamas? Because if they really wanted to protect Palestinians all they'd have to do is kill Hamas.

****************************************************

You’re not doing anything wrong when it comes to wine

Just guzzle it. You'll be ok.

****************************************************

Man Yelling About Trump Opens Fire In President’s Florida Golf Club

Sez Trump stiffed him for five hot dogs and he'd like to be paid!

****************************************************

Belarus restores ties with Sweden after teddy bear rift

Half the cocaine in the teddy bear will go to Belarus and the other half will go to Sweden.

****************************************************

Bear researcher in 'dream job' attacked by grizzly

Lesson #1. Grizzly bears do not like to be tickled (even in your wildest dreams).

****************************************************

US student's 'Summa cum laude' graduation cake censored

Store sez these days Mister Summa only comes without laude.

****************************************************

Ariana Grande offers message of hope on attack anniversary

It was accompanied by jiggling of tits, crotch peeks & ass teasing in order to keep the audience's hopes up.

****************************************************

Sweden to distribute brochure in case of crisis or war

Brochure can be easily folded and placed comfortably over the head of a Swede (which is on average larger than the European head).

****************************************************

Palestinian plea to ICC could speed up war crime probe

Hot dog! A pogrom!

****************************************************

Novelist laments Gaza deaths

Typical novelist: Now he's into lamenting them, but where was he when it was still possible to try to prevent them! [That's why I only read historians.]

****************************************************

Teen who started massive Oregon wildfire with fireworks must pay $36 million, judge rules

Teen will now have to extend his paper route.

****************************************************

U.S. Citizens Detained By Border Patrol Agent For ‘Speaking Spanish’
The two women were told that they were speaking Spanish in a state that's "predominantly English-speaking."

Thankfully they were also wearing shoes in a state where people predominantly wear shoes, so the two cancelled out each other.

****************************************************

Sweden adopts law that says non-consensual sex is rape

Other laws adopted that day:

Not paying for what you take from a store is stealing.

Smashing someone's head in with a sledgehammer is murder.

Getting yourself elected president of the United States just to benefit yourself financially is Trump's thing.

****************************************************

If Kim Keeps Nuclear Arms, Can Trump Still Claim Victory?

Kim can do Trump doggy-style and Trump will claim victory without batting an eyelash. This is Trump we're talking about here, not somebody who can recognize the truth or concede reality.

****************************************************

Amazon defends giving police face ID tech

In Amazon's defense: Cops out-bid the criminals.

****************************************************

Plaster falls from La Scala arches, no one injured

Property manager asking singers to please try to keep their high notes a little lower from now on.

****************************************************

Horse whisperer helps stress sufferers

Next up: How to convince some really unwound dudes that they're not horses.

****************************************************

Collins: How Trump Gets Into Your Bed

Great, another bedbug story.

****************************************************

UK man convicted in attempted parachute murder

His attempt to murder his victim by dropping down [as opposed to dropping up] on his head from a plane failed when his parachute opened.

****************************************************

Editorial: If Addiction Is a Disease, Why Is Relapsing a Crime?

When you're addicted to cracking banks you gotta expect some consequences.

****************************************************

Plastic cutlery, plates could be banned in the EU

Yes! Send the poor back to eating with their fingers! [This is The Age of Trump.]

****************************************************

Olympian Gus Kenworthy Mourns Death Of Dog He Adopted From Meat Farm

Does not say whether he gave the dead dog back to the meat farm or it went to waste.

****************************************************

Want to Make Money Like a C.E.O.? Work for 275 Years

Well, I worked for what seems like 275 years but I got nowheres what seems like C.E.O. money!

****************************************************

Bishop Michael Curry Joins Christian March To White House To ‘Reclaim Jesus’

Why doesn't it surprse me Trump's kidnapped Jesus and is holding him hostage?

****************************************************

Newest Head Cracker: Do You Hear 'Brainstorm' Or 'Green Needle'?

Neither. The only thing I'm hearing at the moment is: "Kill'em! Kill'em all!"

****************************************************

'I woke up and didn't recognise my wife'

Do what I do and don't open your eyes until after she's put on her makeup.

****************************************************

Turkish ambassador returns to US post after Jerusalem spat

Sez that's the only way Erdogan can recall him again on the next US-Turkish spat.

****************************************************

Kim Jong Un complains of US 'hegemonism' as summit nears

Kim thinks that might be what's causing his morbid obesity.

****************************************************

‘Racism is not a known side effect,’ Ambien maker says after Roseanne Barr blames it for tweets

Nevertheless, Roseanne's lawyer sez she's suing Ambien for not listing racism as one of its possible side-effects.

****************************************************

Pushing the envelope: Why was Kim's letter for Trump so big?

1) Because this is the first letter Kim has ever written to Santa Claus

2) Because Kim's been told Trump can't read more'm 2 words per page

****************************************************

Space Station Accepts Special Delivery From Virginia

Delivery man blows up outside Space Station putting his pen back in his spacesuit.

****************************************************

Michelle Wolf: ‘Roseanne’ Shouldn’t Have Been Revived To Begin With

"How many times we gotta tell you this: You do NOT resurrect the Frankenstein monster!"

****************************************************

US military plans for future at Guantanamo because of Trump

Hey, if the military believes that's the best place for Trump to serve out his sentence, then who am I to disagree with the milityary?

****************************************************

North Korea-US summit goes through many twists

C'mon, ya gotta've seen this coming from a couple of snakes!

****************************************************

Highlights from Putin's call-in show

"Hello, Vlad? This is your Mother! You know I taught you better than this..." [Click.]

****************************************************

Kim Jong Un impersonator detained in Singapore

They'd like to train him to step in in case the real Un is shot dead by his generals (or by Trump).

****************************************************

Why You Like Listening To The Same Song Over And Over Again

Because I'm too old now to remember how to turn off the damn thing!

****************************************************

NASA Finds Concentrated Batch Of Organic Molecules On Mars

NASA scientists hoping it's an old piss.

****************************************************

Avengers superfan watches film 43 times

Coroner thinks he might have been alive through at least 3 of the showings.

****************************************************

He’s pro-incest, pedophilia and rape. He’s also running for Congress.

What, don't the piece-o-craps in our society also have a right to be represented?

****************************************************

An FBI agent did a back flip in a club, dropped his gun and accidentally shot someone, police say

He got a 9.7 score from the crowd of drunks. [Now let's see what a sober judge scores him.]

****************************************************

The United Nations says Trump is making life harder for the poor

And Trump responded: "Awwwwww..."

****************************************************

Ticketfly has been hacked. Here’s what you need to know.

Ask Putin where he does his money biz: He's never been hacked.

****************************************************

Home security camera shows Florida panther attack house cat

House cat is clearly heard hollering: "Say what?!"

****************************************************

Snake slithers out of car’s air vent as Virginia woman is driving

"And that, officer," explained the snake, "Is how I ended up driving this baby down the road all by my lonely."

****************************************************

Report: Gazans to dress like concentration camp prisoners in protest

Members of Hamas will, of course, be dressing in Nazi guard uniforms. [Don't forget your cameras!] And as it's all just a costume party there will be no need to square any of it with their everyday rabid denial of the Holocaust.

****************************************************

Trump Supports Relaxing Federal Pot Laws, In Blow To Jeff Sessions

And no, Trump won't fire Sessions: When the gods made Sessions look like a scaredy mouse they were not only giving anybody who looks at him the heads up on his nature, but, let's face it, he's the only rat in the Trump administration that actually looks like rodent.

In defense of separating immigrant families, Sessions cites same Bible passage used to defend slavery

****************************************************

Here’s How You Can Tell When It’s Time For A Career Move

1) your paycheck comes printed on a pink slip

****************************************************

Brazil presidential contender criticizes rival's candidacy

This, of course, was unimaginably unexpected.

****************************************************

In the Age of Trump, Civics Courses Make a Comeback

Nothing like living in the Age of Trump to remind us that we are not yet civilized.

****************************************************

Lawyers Ask ICE to Stop Deportation of Delivery Man

This is such a waste of resources: Just deport the guy, have him sneak back in, and give him a job delivering something else for the next ten years he's here until they catch him again.

****************************************************

Fact-Check of the Day: Trump Considers Pardoning Muhammad Ali, Whose Conviction Was Already Overturned

Brilliant! Now, if they can find other ways to make Trump believe he's the one producing reality [after the fact] we might yet be able to survive the last couple of years he's in office!

****************************************************

Supercomputer Does 6.3 Billion Years’ Work in Just a Second

Now we'll be able to build more houses for the poor every hour of every day than there are atoms in the infinite nothingness!

****************************************************

Trump reveals that the first lady is under doctors’ orders not to fly for a month

Peter Pan will be flying to the summit solo.

****************************************************

The Rich Are Planning to Leave This Wretched Planet

But don't worry: I'm sure there will be plenty of openings for maids, toilet scrubbers, dish washers and other indispensable slaves on the mothership.

****************************************************

Can One Suicide Lead to Others?

No. Once you've committed suicide, that's the end right there.

****************************************************

Owners: Triple Crown Winner Justify Will Race Again

Why?!? He can earn so much more just sitting at home masturbating.

****************************************************

‘Sex Workers Are Business People:’ 5 Porn Stars Respond to Giuliani

It's just that they do business wih their business.

****************************************************

Syria's Assad denies Russia makes decisions for him

Sez Putin told him it was ok to say this.

****************************************************

I don’t like going outside. How can I stop my boyfriend from making me ‘go out and enjoy the weather’?

1) get a new boyfriend
2) just say NO
3) pay a bully to beat'im up every time he sees him outside

****************************************************

When it comes to AI and weapons, the tech world needs philosophers

No it does not: There will never be a lack of people to justify the worst.

****************************************************

Jared Kushner, Ivanka Trump Made $82 Million While Working In The White House

Yeah, but their job is "sitting pretty" (and that's not something just any old Jack & Judy can pull off).

****************************************************

How you can unsend that Snapchat message you accidentally sent to your ex

"Hello, Carrie? Listen: DO NOT open that message I just sent you. But, if you do: DO NOT let the police see it!"

****************************************************

There’s no defending Trump’s North Korea performance

I'm sorry, you know of any Trump performance that is not completely indefensible?

****************************************************

After summit, North Korea shows Trump in new light

"We were mistaken: That's Mister Putin there."

****************************************************

What Is Sadness, and What Is Depression?

Sadness is missing your bus.
Depression is when the next bus runs you over.

****************************************************

UK soldier gets 18 years for tampering with wife's parachute

Soldier claims he was just trying to get his wife home quick as he could so she'd have dinner ready by the time he touched down.

****************************************************

Banksy print worth $45K stolen from art exhibit, caught on camera

Apparently the thieves couldn't figure out how to unhook the Bankey from the camera, so they just left it there hanging from it.

****************************************************

Stephen Hawking's ashes buried at Westminster Abbey

Hawking was a chain smoker, so his ashes apparently piled up over time. [Heirs now trying to figure out what to do with his dandruff, as Stephen was also known to be a flaky gent.]

****************************************************

Donkeys stolen, skinned to feed Chinese demand

Did not know there was that much demand in China to watch donkeys being skinned.

****************************************************

EPA Moves To Replace Obama-Era Rule Protecting Drinking Water For 117 Million

Could be this was harming the ability to start the new Trump Bottled Water company.

****************************************************

Why Was a Healthy Man Nauseated by Food?

Well, sometimes after two-three hours of wolfing it down the only way a man can be stopped eating his food is by it getting him nauseated.

****************************************************

Carolyn Hax: A woman backs out of a trip, and her friend goes to a dark place

Wonder what kind of ad the dark place put up to make the friend still want to go there after the Sun-loving woman backed out & went to the beach instead?

****************************************************

Director's Tesla bursts into flames in LA

Well, of course it burst into flames: You are NOT supposed to gas up an electric car! [Read the sticker.]

****************************************************

Trump claims FBI 'plotting' though report found no bias

New Webster definition for "paranoid behavior." [Look it up yerself.]

****************************************************

Riders plunge 34 feet, 6 injured in roller coaster derail

Coaster owners now plan to rename it The Geronimo!

****************************************************

When the cop pulled him over for DUI, he had a beer in his hand. Then he chugged it.