Prologue en passant
Finding that Man could not live by His Ten Commandments,
The Lord assigned an angel (nameless as yet, but nicknamed 'Snitch') to dive-bomb the earth, pick up what rules we do live by and report back.
This the Snitch Angel did, spending the rest of eternity
(which, of course, is only part of eternity) telling on us to God.
Herewith follows Book I (of The Bad News he brought back to The Lord):
"Always trust what you know, (except
in cases where you know better)."
Never compliment people
on how well they wear their obesity.
And never sit down to eat anything that has
raisins in it without first making sure
there are no flies loose anywhere in the house.
NEVER invest your money with
"Hail & Farewell, Investment Managers."
Yes, the cynicism of The American People
is well grounded on burnt skin. And, yes,
the correct answer to, "We don't talk any more!"
IS "We don't fight any more either."
One does not bump off a chicken, one bumps off
a rubber duck. But never go along with
any airline whose motto is "Fly or Crash!"
Yes, if you'd known what you were doing
you wouldn't have done it. And, if you must write
to anyone, "Hold the fort as long as possible,"
always check the spelling of "fort" at least twice.
No, Descartes did NOT say, "Penso... Sono!"
("I think I am singing!"). Whatever he did say
he said it in Latin, "Cogito, ergo sum!"
("Always serve eggs with chicken!"
Yes, it is quite possible to crunch the numbers
into any shape you like. But you will never
be able to find happiness in this life
(so you'll just have to be happy).
Always remember that if you can't repay
the hundred dollars you borrow from the Mafia
they'll break both your legs (so never borrow
more than... fifty bucks from them, that way
you'll at least always have a leg to stand on).
A house of fools should not stock tools.
And, yes, the real secret of French cuisine
is to never serve enough of anything
to completely satisfy anybody's exact craving for it.
(Although the best French-kissers always own a dog.)
A politician on the right track... may indeed be
an ugly sight to see coming at you (but
it's still a heck of a lot preferable
to seeing one of'em actually making tracks).
NEVER join the Cosmic And Universal Church
of God Omniscient And Omnipresent Ltd.
No, "beaujolais" is not THE specific
Napoleonic Code against being unfaithful
to your fiance. And, no, your wife did not break
the World's Record for the longest pregnancy
ever (while you were doing that long stretch overseas).
Work for the legalization of muggings
(that way we can license them, tax them,
and thereby make mugging a victimless crime).
But don't fool yourself, you're not just
a little behind, you are a humongous ass.
First Draft: "Give me your wealthy, your powerful,
your dukes and duchesses, princes, generals
and admirals, your business magnates and the owners
of most of their countries' assets & real estate..."
Yes, the rain of Edward VIII WAS short
because there was only one of him.
The older you get the more buckets
Life spreads out for you to kick off
wherever you may go. (And, yes,
wash them dirty-eyed blonds.)
"Every single time you're fired
you are going to be awfully put out."
Floss your ivory tower every day. And NEVER
buy a used car from the salesman with
the little shovel monogram on his shirt
(always take your chances with the
salesmen sporting the regular alligator medals).
Remember that women NEVER age
(an 'aging woman' has already probably
been dead for some time).
"Everything comes to those who are not
looking forward to it." And, not just sometimes
is the thing you are supposed to do
NOT the same as what you ought to be doing
(or, use a hammer on your nails).
But, always beware of idiots (not
because they're idiots but because they're everywhere).
"It does not take brains to move your
fellow men, what it takes is guts, guts
& guts! (Just let one go
and you'll see how fast they're outta there.)"
Truth is "the least of all possible absurdities,"
but the Dom Carlo Principle is:
"The simpler the job you hire people to do,
the higher the probability they'll screw it up."
The Fallenstaff Principle is:
"The higher the skill of people you hire,
the less likely it will be
that you will ever know whether it was
even done properly or not."
ALWAYS insist on a blindfold (and
on as many as you can get the soldiers
to wear). But there IS one vice
you should NEVER ask anyone to give up: Advice.
Portion of the Hippocratic Oath
that does NOT apply to hippos:
"To any human illness apply
a little money, or as much money as it takes
for the illness itself to seem like
having been taken to Paradise (compared to
the money the patient's being taken for)."
Luck is ALWAYS after the fact!
And, yes, your brain is the organ
of last resort (so never weigh in
with your head until after everybody else's
brains are all over the floor).
But, no, representative democracy is not
when it is "represented" as democracy.
Never marry a woman who can't carry you
on her shoulders for at least 200 feet
--Who's gonna carry you to the car
if there's a nuclear holocaust
and you're injured in it?!
Two words: Bikini Basketball (THE INSTANT
a league is proposed put every last penny
you can pinch into it--Man, they have
a league now with sweaty, hairy men
running back & forth in their underwear, and
you wouldn't believe how much money that's making!...)
No thousand-dollar check was ever worth
as much as a thousand dollars in $20 bills.
But the Balanced Budget Amendment PUSH
is nothing less than PROOF positive
that even in the most democratic people
there yet exists a deep-seated longing
to install in power some benevolent dictator
who will finally get things done.
Given a choice at the grocery store
between differently priced identical items
always pick the higher priced one
(a lower price is always a reflection of
a bygone age--when it was first put out there).
No, Columbus did NOT discover America,
Columbus discovered Japan (it was only later
that the 'Japanese' themselves finally discovered
they were really indians...
and Native Americans later on).
A small mind will always pick up things
most other people wouldn't
give a second thought to dropping.
That's correct: "ain't" ain't a word
(it's the Republican Platform).
Yes, it is called car-pooling because
of the sweat. But, nothing
is for all the marbles (you always lose
a few of them just before you make such a bet).
Dying is easy, it's leaving that's hard.
Belts & buckles, buckles & belts
--Stay away from your old man when he's drunk.
For those of you going swimming
down Mexico way for the first time:
Don't be surprised when you first jump
in the ocean if the water there goes, "Esplash!"
Everything stops at the top. But,
no, smokers DO NOT have the same identical right
to any public place as nudists.
"You read his mind and you looked into his soul
--And he STILL cheated on you!?"
No, you do NOT have to write a thank-you note
to Santa when you get a Charley Horse at Christmas.
Every little bang IS a Big Bang
if it's close enough to your nose.
Of course Crack kills: It's a lot more potent now
than when you were a kid and all it did
was break your mother's back.
Never blow up the world in the hope
that all the pieces fall into place.
And watch how you use the ole noodle
around Lorena Bobbitt (some people just don't like
the way other people use their heads).
It is both physically AND theoretically impossible
to measure the shortest distance between two points in a cab.
Attention All Paranoids:
The best--and only--way to stop people
talking about you
is to change your name to Excrement.
No, "Take This Job & Shove It" only SOUNDS
like an adaptation of a Biblical story.
Always keep your pimple simple.
But when you smell a rat--put on gloves.
Yes, ending up with your soul mate
not only signals the end of the game...
it also hints at the possibility
that the game itself might not have gone in your favor.
Ethics 101: "Don't rob! Don't kill!
Why not?!... SHUT YOUR MOUTH--That's why not!"
NFL 101: "No, one does not
tho da foot-bo with a Bunsen burner."
Shouldn't Superman need a Court Order
to use his superhearing? In any case,
NEVER go on a vacation anywhere near
The Grand Canyon with real pushy people.
Who wouldst know his own true nature
(let him remember which TV ads
he's been seeing the most lately).
You can show the door to a lot of people
(and to some of'em you also have to explain
that it is a door).
A man of many doubts
may arrive at a few convictions
(and a man with innumerable convictions
is most likely than not a hardened criminal).
All reformers eventually reform. And, yes,
Lani Guinier was right: All minorities
should also get a turn at ruling
--especially now that there just aren't
as many dictatorships as there once were.
NEVER offer to run out after a Whopper
for any mother calling her little son
at the top of her voice: "Emile! Emile!"
No, you do not get more money
the longer you hold on to a compound
fracture. And, no, "L'etat c'est moi"
does not mean the French are laying
claim to being a breast of the whole world
(nor does, "Tete d'Armee" mean
they carry theirs a breast under each arm).
But if somebody yells, "The ghost
is a broad!" never stop to check her out
before checking out.
Yes, if you have nothing to hide,
you're ALWAYS better off showing it.
The best made beds are in the morning (and un-maid
as soon as the wife runs back in the house).
Sometimes a baseball bat is standard equipment
when you need to touch the conscience
of some people. ("Baseball bats!?! Judge,
whatever happened to lethal injection!?!")
But, in a world teaming with nuts
carrying bats, believe me, the last thing
you want people to know is that you've got balls.
You should listen to yourself! (Not
that you're gonna learn anything).
The reason everything happens at once
IS so you may recover long enough...
Never board a boat manned with a crew of
Jesus Freaks (you don't know what 'freak' is
until those suckers bug out of a sinking ship).
One neither services nor serves
a boiled man, (one simply drives him
to his next doctor's appointment).
Nothing EXITS in a vacuum. And NEVER
apologize to a hunter for running over
his best dog... especially
if you have to go out of your way to do it.
No, gum is not supposed to pick up the flavor
of the bottom of the movie seat
you stick it to while you're Frenching
your date (maybe it's your date tastes funny).
Always remember to say
the Three Magic Words: "No harm done!"
Obsession is the mother of Possession.
But, no, priests do not get a discount from God
just especially because they're
in the business of forgiving (themselves).
All political promises are written upon bad breath.
And... in a democracy, allowing unimpeded freedom
of speech, no matter how repugnant the speech,
IS a civic necessity: Not so much because
it is the best means of bringing out into the open
such speeches--we already know they are festering
stinking things--but because it is the best means
we have to bring out into the open
those who are paying heed to them.
Revenge is sweet only up to a point
--then it makes your teeth crawl.
Never split hairs over your own head.
Always get your fats straight
(and never diet on the side).
A solid price is the best advertisement
that a product is a solid one (especially
if it is not). But, no, money is not
the root of all evil: "Why should I?" IS.
"TAX SIN," and who will pay? "TAX EVIL,"
and who will pay? NO: "TAX THE GOOD"
(the good enough to pay it).
Democracies' Eternal Letter to All Tyrants:
"Sirs, we are outraged by each and every outrage
you commit, and if you don't stop committing
such outrages immediately (and this is no idle threat)
we promise you we shall be forced
to be outraged by every one of them in the future as well!"
No, they do not use holy water in the manufacture
of nuclear bombs--They use carefully weighed
heavy water... I'm sure).
Everyone's equal before the law (just
don't let it come after you:
nobody's even remotely equal to that).
The Human Equation is: ( Les Miserables -- minus -- Richard Kimble )
-- times --
( Emily Dickinson -- divided by -- Dom DeLuise's "Fatso" ).
( Les Miserables -- minus -- Richard Kimble )
Yes, the spin doctors of every Defeated Swine
will always insist the pig would've sold
had it been garnished with a spiffier poke.
Marry a ham if you're a tart:
It'll be tasteful (though hardly art).
If you ever run across anybody
willing to sacrifice life itself for you
--get the sacrifice over and done with
as quickly as you can (you'll save yourself
a lot of just plain silly yackyty yack if you do).
Stay away from anyone whose first gut reaction
to which was the greatest invention of all time
isn't toilet paper.
It is always darkness before the dawn.
Man is ungovernable: The braggarts
actually want to govern themselves!
No matter what you manage to get somebody
on the hook for, always reel him in
BEFORE he realizes he's not as big a cod
as he thought himself.
No, Moscow's McDonald does not import
its own cows (they use locally-executed ones).
If A BOOMING VOICE reveals to you
Life's Ultimate Truth: No, that is not
THE MIND OF THE UNIVERSE
speaking to you, that's you're nuts.
Never thread a needle with a hysterical baboon.
But always strike the iron with an ape when it's hot.
No matter how many more polls they may add,
the people's mood will always be predicated
a lot more than it will ever be polled.
Whatever they might have told you, this
is how skim milk is really made: One part
regular milk is mixed with at least five parts
second generation dish water, then
as many dogs as can be laid hands upon
lick it up and spit it into skim milk cans
(which is why it's called skimmed).
The difference between the tyrant
and all other politicians is that the tyrant
need only fool the people once,
while the other politicians will fool the people
every time--Which explains why Castro's
such a total moron, and why
so few members of Congress ever get caught
mixed up in any criminal activity actually illegal.)
Second Draft: "I pledge allegiance
to the preservation of the rights
of the people of the United States
of America, by which and for which stands
the republic, one nation blessed by God
with liberty and justice for all."
The cheek is always in the mail.
No, halved cherries are NOT supposed to
have legs. And... the reason we never travel
faster than the speed of light
is not because we couldn't do it (if we
banged all our heads together), it's because
what's the point of traveling faster
than the speed of light just to wait for it
to catch up so we can see where we went?
Yes, "Buy one of our beds
and we will build you a house
and furnish it at no additional expense
to you" DOES specify
the price of their beds all too clearly.
Attention Parents: The Greatest Moral Influence
In The Universe has been found
--and it's Garlic (never let'em out of the house
without as much of it as you can get on'em).
The reason some people repeat themselves
so much is because, well, darn it,
they just talk too fast for
those of us who don't want to hear them.
People who are the last to give in
are almost always the first to give out
(that's why they place
the highest-ranking officers at the rear).
Always stick to the point, no matter
how much it smarts to be stuck (like that).
Nothing ever seems to come of those
who wait for every itty-bitty little thing.
If A = B and B = C then A = C, right?...
Well, A = Life & Death, B = Change,
and C = Putting on a pair of socks
(so Life & Death = a change of socks).
Always try to get the judge to sentence you
to being horse-whipped. (Where are they
ever going to find somebody strong enough
to whip a horse around... or a horse
smart enough to become that proficient with whips?)
Yes, we know: Once you 'make it'
with a shark--You NEVER go back.
But, if all we knew of the universe
were just the Solar System, would we now
be looking for things beyond it, or
trying to fit 99.999% of the unknown matter
that must comprise the universe
between the planets--or between our ears?
Yes: Always ask the shoe salesman to show you
something in half a size smaller
--It's possible all those elephant pads
you've been stomping around in
the last few years were mislabeled. (It could happen.)
Every proper and correct mathematician always
tries to get even with those he is at odds with.
Upon the verge of truth's success
Beyond all hopes and understandings
lies the Kingdom of The Press
Trying to explain UFO landings.
When depressed, yes, by all means do try
to blow yourself up. But, no, it is not okay
to give the Russians "just" the plans
for the ground floor of a top-secret installation.
Man who pilfers pennies cannot afford to get caught.
Said Rousseau to Voltaire: "Men are born free
yet everywhere lie in chains!" Thank God,
I say! Or they'd be out there
tearing up the place, hot-wiring cars, and
banging us to beat the band. (But Rousseau WAS an idiot.)
The notion that the strongest have survived
is only half true, the complete truth
is that the strongest of those who have survived
also survived--Chance always selects first,
then, and only then, does Nature.
Yes, all Republican and Democratic steamrollers
eventually end up in a tremendously huge
collusion. (Now take a crack
at who'll always end up flat busted.)
The mind is oft muted in those with unsound thoughts
(which is a lot more than one can say for their mouths).
Yes, "yours truly" IS the computer.
The worst traitor is the one
who tries to convince the easy-going
that the going is too tough for them.
And the best scientists
always look at the facts
until they can see them.
Let your faith be exclusively with Man.
And if you were a wildebeest, place then
your faith exclusively with wildebeests
(certainly NOT with Man).
Children should never be allowed to touch
butterflies for their butterfingers
(not to mention leaving their minding
to their own peanut brittle brains).
E=MC 2 (What? That old cliche!)
The recommended way to get a bug off
is not by crossing a beetle with a vacation.
99 times out of a 100 black people
will blame white people (because
there's just that many more of'em).
Unfortunately, it's usually only
when we start getting down to the first line trenches
that war finally really starts sounding
like a deafeningly bad idea.
The road to perfection is tolled
with impatience. And, a man is innocent only
if he himself is the suspect
(if it's the other fellow, then he's as guilty as sin).
Yes, to fully appreciate exactly
how great Frank Sinatra still sounds
all you need do is just listen to
the Japanese Frank Sinatra
in Japanese for a few bars (drinks optional).
No head is better than one('s). But,
no... Reality IS only an optical illusion
(and more people believe in life after death
than will ever believe that life
only goes as far as death).
FAITH: I'll see it when I believe it.
A radical is anyone who does not understand
how long it takes to understand. A moderate
likes to start out cooking with the stove off
first. And a conservative will starve
if the meal was not placed
in the freezer during the last ice age.
Yes, the wisdom of the species is
always greater than that of even the wisest
of its individuals (so if Western Civilization's
favorite fairy tale is Little Red Riding Hood
--pass it on down to your own kids, no matter
what any of the current fad
of childish psychologists think).
Free will is the feeling
that you are the one who's driving
everything that's passing you by.
In union there's strength.
In disunion? There's the S.O.B.
No, they do not sell rib-ticklers
at the sex shoppe. And if you find
that you have a lot of panache!
Try bathing more often.
Yes, the only people God lets walk on water
any more are those who mop it up afterwards.
Justice is highly prized in this country
(so never spend ALL you steal).
Yes, in The Game of Chicken,
if the chicken is not the one that steps away
from in front of the truck first,
it is no longer a chicken (and
this's no cheap smear of chickens).
There are lots of people you wouldn't take
a million dollars for (nor lend 10 bucks to either).
Never do your catch up work at the hamburger joint,
and never swing a new business branch where you work.
The single most important right
people need if they're ever going to get anywhere
in this world is The Right To Shoes
For Themselves (two of them, ironically enough).
Why can't all these molecular biologists
do something really useful, like making a cow
immortal so it'll be there when we really need to eat one!
No, it is not just only now and then
that a work of art is just so awful
and banal it captures the imagination of the public.
The mind makes the hole it holds.
Yes, they are called numbers because
(after) any number of them every one
becomes numb. And, yes, whatever company
tells you safety is their number one priority's
number one priority is to make sure
they tell you that in the hope you let it go at that & go:
Not even the most pious of those who bank their all
upon the Bible quote the Bible against their own interest.
Enthusiasm is always the most convincing
selling point (that's why nuts sell so well).
Never let the links to your past lock up
your future (and never tie down your mind
with your shoelaces too long).
Those who allow themselves to be pushed
by the fires of passion
always end up snuffed in the end. "Yes, butt--"
Justice does not lead the way but follows
the right path (blind justice is the trailblazer).
Before you seek for each man his every freedom,
remember that the freest man is always a tyrant.
Fate always looks after an extremely careful person
extremely carefully (and loosens the hold
on sanity of the bungee-jumper).
3 good deeds by 2 is better than 5
good deeds by 4 (that is the wisdom
of the good mathematician).
The heart is always easier to stop
than the tongue; but though it's hard
for the bladder to hold back anything,
no organ holds out growing as long as the knows.
At some point everyone travels faster than
the speed of life (unless they get you
to the hospital in time, of course).
Blood does not wash out blood but only washes
it in anew--try sinning instead
(it might be possible to sin your wash away).
Beauty is never so much an attractive
description as an indescribable attraction
(although, never let this deter you
from flattering its every last part).
A little breather never blew out The Eternal Flame.
People with quick brains and slow minds
tend to stumble over a whole pile
of antagonistic thoughts.
No, Jurassic Park is not where
they sell the undercooked chicken.
Should America promote reform abroad
or, should the consequences of their NOT reforming
themselves be doing it instead? (It might be
that our lack of wisdom is overestimating
theirs by many and many a magnanimitude, ya'know.)
Yes, free funeral expenses IS the tip-off
that the experimental nature
of the proposed procedures may be
of a lot less uncertain a nature
than they're letting on.
The single biggest cause of WAR is
leaving the option to any one individual.
(The second biggest cause of war
is leaving it up to the next guy,
and so on, and so on...)
People will always have less qualms
about saving a drowning man
in front of a crowd (than in actual water especially).
You know you're on the really cheap junket
when you end up at The Museum of People
Who Get Beat Up (and you can't even remember
coughing up anything for admission at all but blood).
Almost no one who takes a UFO trek
to another galaxy (and comes back) ever fails
a polygraph (those who do generally
never seemed to have quite gone far out enough).
"Knowledge may be the most irresistible force,
but our immovable object will always be to remain ignorant."
The noblest man of all is his dog.
And, "All the world's a stage..." (Which explains
why everyone everywhere always
wants to be part of the audience.)
Yes, you should be very grateful indeed
that all your savings were wiped out
(now you won't have to dust them).
The reason intelligent life never succeeds
on any planet for very long is
that THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION IS ALWAYS AN INSANE ONE.
No mirror ever reflected 100% of the person
that looked in it (at least, back to his own eyes).
You're only as young as you can blackmail
people to ignore how old you really are.
But President Clinton was certainly right
to try to not lose the friendship
of the Belarus Communists over the murdered
at Kuropaty (After all, what's
200,000 murders between friends?)
The longest train ride is always
between two short and pointless people.
ALL sub-cultures are a myth (the same Iranian
who rails against the Satanic influence
of Western Civilization goes home from the rally
to soothe his overheated feelings
with a little air-conditioned Saab).
Some people go to Yale & Harvard,
and others to Hell & Back.
Yes, loving animals is also one of the principal
qualifications for joining the Mob (since
one has to work very closely
with a number of'em there too).
Naked passion is always scraped.
The first thing that blooms from tolerance
is everything that justified intolerance before.
No, "Time out!" is not a legal term.
Never keep an open mind about flies. And,
"parental discretion is advertised" means
exactly what is meant by it.
Egg on your face? Just tell people
you're not afraid to face up to your brains on drugs.
Yes, there is always some good in everyone
(but don't hand over your goods
to the little good in Lucifer, that's all).
Broken Hood? Ah, there's your problem
right there: You are giving to the poor
before you've stolen from the rich, you see.
Some women can be placated with an expensive trinket
(even when the argument was about
the way you throw your money away on junk).
Never tease a lion with your tongue!
The most crucial matter in this country is
for the guys with the Prize Patrol
to have the exact address (so you won't ever
see them coming to your house totting
that giant cardboard check to ask for directions).
No, it is never the million dollars you get
for that old painting you find in the attic
that destroys your life (it's the ten million
the next buyer would've given you for it).
Always flip your flapjacks with the saucepan
--Flipping'em with words alone
is too hard on their nerves (and your neighbors').
No, the Government is not the biggest threat
against privacy ("Are you all right in there?!" IS).
The best way to prevent the same catastrophe
that wiped out the dinosaurs from happening to us
is to have our best scientists figure out
where the next asteroid will hit
and then hose down the dust there.
One does not carry a bowling ball in a Bowler hat
(but keep it under your hat: you never know
when some dumb ass might bring his in one
and it'll be extremely diverting
to watch him trying to walk about with it).
Yes, it is your privilege to refuse
to be intimidated by a seven-ton boulder, or
by an ounce of brains--whichever threatens you first.
Civilization is always the best possible compromise
between the fact that everything is reasonable
and everyone stupid.
No, "Que pasa?" is not The Spanish Inquisition.
Yes, the Japanese are not polite (they are
only polite to those they consider their equals
or their betters--and how many people
in this world do you consider your equal?).
But it is NOT true that the British are never
rude unless they mean to be--They always mean to be.
Always do what you have to do, (even if
you have to do it yourself).
No, dude, one does not rustle up the bull
(and most of the time one doesn't even have to request it).
Never let money come between you and those you love
--hide it behind your back. (And never
hide it behind their backs... unless
you're pretty sure you can run'em down).
The romantic likes to feel the tick
of his sometimes heart, the classicist
to hear his mind's every click (but
ordinary folk dislike most parts of their bodies
to go around speaking up for themselves).
What does it mean when your shoulders turn
pitch-black every time you turn the lights off?
It means things are even dimmer about you than you suspect.
All persons have a right to their opinion
(and to everything else they should keep to themselves).
Those who wish to while away their last few days
with nothing pressing on them but time
had better not waste a single minute now.
Doesn't it just drive you nuts when your team
executes flawlessly against the lousier teams
but just can't seem to do anything at all right
against the better ones!?
Yes, it is almost always better to be seriously rich
than to be some poor laughing stock.
The best tip IS that Humanity is not best served
by waiting but by waiters (15% is also acceptable).
But it is always cheaper to call for a cab
than to throw yourself in front of one.
Always hold your tongue while others are loosening theirs
(and never cut into a dancing bear).
Never let'em tell you elephants can't fly
--Every year Congress flies hundreds of
the white ones right in front of anyone
(who knows where to look).
No, getting ripped off does not
make you lose weight (even if
it is the one method used by all the popular diets).
We always expect the most help
from those we have had to help the most;
for the same reason banks prefer to lend
the most money to those who have the least
need for it, I suppose (and why
the longest lived people have the shortest life-spans).
Out of all the countless people
who have peopled The 20th Century
without a doubt the one person
whose name will always be remembered is...
you know, the guy who walked on the moon first--
Never take a fall for a year (nor
a dump for an elevator that's coming down too fast).
Never microwave your puppy love (or
marry a full-blown hot dog either
--even if it's got great buns).
Always make sure to get your wife's permission
before you ask anybody to cut you off some slack.
No, "Breasts Examined: No Charge" is not
necessarily a sign the guy is a fraud
(only if the guy is an actual doctor).
When politicians start singing that ole
'light at the end of the tunnel' tune...
can a furious frenzy of government borrowing
too deeply be all that far behind?
Yes, the reason dogs have been hanging around
us so long now is that ever since
the dawn of time people have been trying
to learn the fine art of lettin'em go ultrasonically.
The greatest memory belongs to the elephant
(who never forgets he is an elephant):
You always have to keep reminding the rat
he's a rat (while every last skunk
keeps trying to come across a perfumed little ass).
Today a bum, tomorrow a dozen of'em.
To those fellows who are always game
for anything--Get them a calendar
of which hunting seasons
play in their neck of the woods.
No, "Enrico Caruso" is not Italian
for "used cars for rich people."
Always make a will, and leave as much money
as you can to your heirs--So you can die
with a clear conscience knowing the fools won't
be left solely at the mercy of their foolishness.
Never wear anything off the rack
(or get on one to try to make yourself fit).
Never buy, borrow, sit with, rent, or
have anything whatever to do with
any dog that answers to the name of "Stomach."
Note from the not-so-distant future
if it keeps going the same way: "Mega\Air
announced today they could no longer
make a profit unless their employees agreed
to become slaves. However, in return
for becoming slaves Mega\Air offered to grant them
one hour's notice whenever it has to throw them
off their planes midair to save a couple-o-bucks on fuel."
It is the most skiddish animal
that always saves the herd. But the best democracy
is practiced in Boston (where any poor soul
can have as many as a hundred or more votes to his names).
No, if you find you cannot remember
what you have to remember
it is no comfort at all
to remember you don't have to remember what you can.
Always take your time with a hasty fellow
--It'll just kill him that you think it's your time.
Yes, the Suckersaurus was taken advantage of
by most of the other dinosaurs (but that was its niche).
It's always easier to count yourself among
the great than for the great
to make you a count among them.
Nothing works until you make it work
(and that, right there, is proof enough
in most people's heads of who it was broke it).
Mankind is the key to the universe
(it's just that it's not a lock, that's all).
The reason lawyers write stuff like,
"Regret to inform you your uncle passed away
leaving you all his money," is
that they just LOVE suspense.
The best teacher of perspective
in art class IS always the art teacher
who suffers from the worse B.O.
Yes, we are called mammals because we suck
(but that's still a lot better than
rolling dung balls for minimum wage, my man).
No, Audubon did not publish
the definitive book of birdbrains.
Never tell anybody you are a legitimate
businessman (even if you are).
Amidst turmoil and strife
go and apologize to the wife
(so between tears & joys
you can sneak out with the boys).
People who always tell the truth
never need to be smart (which is,
of course, a very lucky thing).
And people who are always running short
of enemies always look for them
where they can find them (especially
among their longest standing around friends).
No, a single corn on your foot does not
make you an unicorn (any more than
wearing a reversible coat means you're
a turncoat... or trying and trying again
turns you into a tricycle, either).
People who devote all their lives
to helping others (for money) should be
horse-whipped. And those who spend their time
bringing sorrow and misery to everybody
(without charging them money at all)
naturally should be given medals.
Always prepare two checks for every bill
(in case the first one bounces).
Fortune favors its heirs. (But
the only foolproof method of becoming rich
overnight is to dream about it).
Yes, we elect Republicans to explain (away)
why Republicans' wrongdoing is
not as bad as it is being portrayed (and
we elect Democrats for the same opposing purpose).
When your neighbor prospers you prosper.
But when he goes belly up, then
you have to hike out a long haul
just to bum a couple of bucks off somebody.
All men are pacifists by nature (the problem
is that pacifists find it very hard
to pass up any chance that comes their way
to pacify everybody else--by any and all means necessary).
It is always better for opera singers
to be as fat as they can be (Samuel Ramey
is skinny and he doesn't appear in anything
where he doesn't take off his damn shirt at least once).
Yes, as far as people in Washington are concerned,
the social safety net is already big enough
as it is; and the only problem remaining
to be resolved is... evicting the spiders
(sitting on the other side off the aisle).
Always be sure to walk into a job interview
upright (so the supervisors
won't think you're after their jobs).
Yes, the correct answer to, "You never
tell me how much you love me!" IS:
"I love you more than you know."
But it is just plain immoral for anyone
to decide a baby's sex (they should at least
wait until they're teenagers, for Heaven's sake).
No, don't bother giving Valium to the lion
before you jump in the cage with'im
(you take it yourself).
People do not want equal rights, people
want better rights for themselves
--forever and ever and ever. (Or,
people DO NOT want more equal rights
--people want more-equal rights.)
That man who has Success
written all over him
--That man's into Voodoo that's all.
When every valley is raised up
and every mountain levelled
(we shall be left right back
where we were before all the commotion).
No, Leonardo da Vinci did not actually paint
the Mona Lisa (this is a common misconception):
Leonardo Da Vinci only painted a picture of her.
Yes, the answer to, "You're an idiot!"
IS: "Yes, when the wise man looks upon the world
he tends to see a lot of very wise things in it."
People who live by the banks of the Nile ARE
rich (but they just will not
admit it, not even to themselves!
"Why are we here?" Most definitely
because somebody screwed (at least once).
Yes, you are allowed to spit on your hands
when you do your own work (but spitting
on the hands of those who work for you is pushing it).
Just because most cowboys wore side-irons
that doesn't mean they were all pathological
But no, whaling ships are not noisier
than all other ships, nor whalers whinier.
And never make up the rules as you go,
make them up while you're growing up.
No, Might is not always right
--Only in those few special cases
where it beats the heck out of everything else.
But people who come between fools
and their money are soon departed.
Only, just because nobody cooks in Japan
except the people you permit to cook in Japan
this doesn't make you The Emperor of Japan.
However, Kamikaze workers are NOT allowed
to abandon their work clothes
a second before they hit the work place.
Never give a bum steer to a friend--Charge him!
But if you have ever been a rainbowed pig
with wings then you might have indeed
passed (by) your drugs & alcohol tests
with flying colors.
The surest way to know if somebody really loves you
is to check to see if they've turned their brains off.
And, yes, you will never really know who
your real friends are until you actually
go ahead and try to dematerialize them.
It is utterly useless
to try to talk a cat into anything.
Yes, a man of peas is probably a vegetarian
--but a man of war
is almost certainly a spineless jellyfish!
The skier not wearing skis
--He absolutely has the right of way--every time.
To err is human. To forgive the swine?!
Yes, "This is a recording"
means "Hello--Who are you?"
Always take care how you try
to put a muffler on your wife.
And never get into a brawl
with a bonehead (mushbrains are easier).
Only men have orgasms
(which are never inclusive enough
for women), women prefer andgasms
every time (except when they have phantgasms
in sympathy with poor pale shadows
of themselves), or gasgasms
(with every kind of beans).
It is not considered posh
to wear your tongue lashing too long.
It's useless to write Congress:
I've written letters to senators, congressmen
--None of'em jumped in a lake yet.
Yes, only democracy can save Russia
for the next tyrant.
In war, talent is sometimes confused for courage
(and in showbiz courage is confused
for talent much, much too often).
Before that blind date with Daryl Hannah's
dead ringer: see if you can find out
how long she's been dead.
No, "How stupid of me" is NOT a math question.
When tried by a jury of your peers
be sure to always spear a bone through your nose
(if your peers look kinda like they might've once
gnawed somebody like you), because
for want of brains and lack of hearts...
cannibals do their sorts of parts.
No, Santa Claus on a parachute
does not mean this Christmas the reindeer
will be really really raining.
Yes, there is only one thing standing between you
and success (at a time).
If we could travel back & forth through time
at will... all suffering that has ever been
and will ever be
would become eternal and without end.
The reason why lions cost more than dogs
is that they make you pay.
Every time people do anything as a rule
--make it a rule they do it for you.
Yes, the stakes for our country
are always slightly overdone.
Marry a man who doesn't know
he can never win (just make sure
that's pretty much all he doesn't know right there).
No, Mrs. Diddley Squats is NOT MARRIED.
Always be ready to prove anything
you may be asked to prove
(even your very existence):
God help you if proof of your existence
ever has to depend on some idiot
having to take your word for it.
People do not long to do what they do best
because it is the best they can do,
people do what they do best
because it is the best way
they can get what they long for.
The reason sailors know so much about knots
is because they have a lot of time
to play with them on their hands.
No, Marco Polo did not bring popo-corno
back to Italy with him from China.
No, Placebo Domingo is not the real thing.
If at your age you still have the figure
of a 17-year-old: Give it back (she may need it
to take her friends camping). Yes, it's old,
but it's always in perfectly good form.
No torture chamber was ever built
for those who did not deserve torturing,
and no torturer ever went out into the streets
to pick out those he thought innocent
for his special brand of terrible retribution either.
Never hold it against a dog for biting you,
a cat for scratching you, poison ivy
for making you itch, or those you love
for breaking your heart (they can do no worse).
A real sweaty person will always stick in your mind.
Yes, however pronounced, the only accent
a person CAN have IS a pronounced one.
How much people hates rats
is always in direct proportion
to how much rats loves people and
--How many rats are we're talking about here?
Daniel Boone was NOT the biggest wino
in American History (even if he himself
carved on a tree, "Dan'l Boone
killed a bar here in 1773").
No, the Marsh Arabs are not Belgians
the other eleven months (they
just wish they were there).
It is exactly one thousand times better
to have a thousand people killed (almost
certainly against their will) than
for a million people to kill each other
out of their own free will
(although not very politically correct
by about a factor of exactly one thousand).
People ganging up against each other
--That is civilization in a nut shell (heck,
if people could live with each other
in peace and harmony
we wouldn't have to be so civilized now.)
Yes, men ARE silly little boys
(so try never to touch or to take
their silly little favorite toys).
The purpose of life is to reproduce
(the meaning is--too awful to contemplate,
that's why pornography
is always the most reasonable alternative).
None of the lumps on others' skulls
can teach your own the smart of falls.
But never pay for the Gerbers with the baby.
Never trade in your old feet for new shoes
(not even if they're loafers).
And, he who laughs best IS stopped.
Always drop by before you call (and don't
forget to turn off their answering machine
before you leave).
Whenever you're tracking mud try to get
Mom in on it: She'll hunt it down like a beast.
Sometimes it's better to scald the child
than to scold him for the rest of your life
(if you're just trying to hurt him
without scarring him enough to make it illegal
not to bring in the cops into it).
Art is the history of people not causes
(but what causes people is sex, not art or history).
Anybody calls you a moron--Call'im a genius:
There's nothing worse than some moron
being so far above you he can actually promote you.
But, yes, most people place their trust
on those who trust people least
(and... it never adds up).
The last thing a ruined man wants to hear
is an offer of a bucket of glue over all his rubble.
Never ask a witch to make you a sandwich
(or allow an itch to tell too much about you either).
It is easy to blame the government for everything
that's wrong--Wouldn't it be great if
it would be extremely difficult to do so?
No matter how much you miss the old neighborhood's
cuisine, never ask for 'black food' in any restaurant.
Yes, it is precisely those who throw their bodies
into the battle that always stop the war (to the top).
But, one is called a highlander
if one's hightailed it out of Scotland
(not just because one always lands on one's head).
Yes: 9 out of 10 dentists recommend teeth
(the 10th one recommends tongues over teeth).
Now they're claiming just one good plate
of fried rice can take 10 months off your life
(or some weird number like that), but
don't let that stop you from eating fried rice
(it is a lot preferable to eat one
good plate of fried rice and die 10 months after it
than to go 10 months without eating fried rice
and then die).
Always place as much distance as you can
between yourself and anyone
you ever find sitting upon the horns of an enema.
When your love swears her love is true:
NEVER rush to believe her
(though she may sound sincere as you
when you're trying to deceive her).
To achieve great happiness in life
you must suffer greatly. (If all you've ever
been in your whole life up to now is annoyed,
chances are you'll probably be annoyed
for the rest of your life--Go figure.)
You will always have a better shot
at changing somebody if you first
accept him or her exactly the way he or she is
and then (once you have'em
calm and comfy) take aim from there.
Never pay a nickel extra
to have your tires mounted, especially
if they're white walls (white walls
are the hardest to scrub clean
after you tire of those tired old walls of yours).
Some will always see chaos, and others
opportunity, in the same unborn universe
--but none of'em survived the Big Bang.
If the only thing wrong with your TV set
was the Kukamongian circuits finally
had to be replaced, you definitely
lead a charmed life, my friend.
When every nine starts looking
like every other nine
--You've already passed the Liberal Arts
entrance exam right there.
If the answer you come up with is
not the one you were looking for,
you've probably made a mistake somewhere.
But if the answer you come up with IS
the one you were looking for... then
it's likely you've committed a fraud,
and to some people
a fraud sometimes is an even worse mistake.
No man is an atheist
who ever stubbed his toe. And never a one
an agnostic whose doctor dropped
even the remotest hint of an operation.
Bee bites can cause allergic reactions
in certain people (so never let'em tell you
there isn't something good
about never being too sure about things).
With all the power that Love allows:
You can do lots around the house!
"Sue! Sue! Sue! Always Sue!
(Even if you lose all your suits
you still have your shorts to fall back on).
Yes, there are lots worse things
than failing (having to suck dirty old
rotten throw-away seeds for one). But,
don't worry, one fails a lot more than one sucks seeds.
Yes, the best things in life are free
(but that's only for the first 30 days).
People who live in glass houses should FIRST
go outside before they start throwing stones.
Never ask for Lasagna in any Southern restaurant
unless you really go for onions oodles upon oodles.
Oblivion is a lot like forgetting, except
you're not there day in and day out
trying to remember what the heck it was.
Everything that goes up in smoke
must come down on the smoker.
Before hosting any kiddie picnic
near the cemetery
always remember to remove those
little gag epitaphs for Santa's reindeers
you taped to the nearest tombstones.
PLEASE: always remember
that if it's not the money I could use it.
If you think the price of things is high now
--steal something (and see just how much
something can really cost you).
The spoils of Victory never last very long.
The historical difference between Republicans
and Democrats is that Democrats
want history to write well about them
and Republicans want history to be written
by them. The irony is that it usually ends up
the other way around (but,
these ARE politicos, after all).
No, "I dare you" has no legal standing (whatsoever).
The real Sixth Sense is that weird feeling
you get when people begin
somehow to mystically pick up the suspicion
that you're getting down dangerously close
to your last couple of bucks.
And, yes, "You ain't getting me, coppers!
Come and get me!" only makes you look
like an unreliable negotiating partner
in the eyes of the authorities.
All that's current is discharged.
But it is not possible to be an American
without at least once being forced to recite
something like: "I'll have a Hammy Mammie Burger
with a side order of Flippity Bibbity Fries
and one Chubby Chucky Chunky Chocolate Shake, please."
The trouble with finally bringing about
an end to crime, war, dictatorship & terrorism
is that it then takes away all your best excuses
for not letting the kids stay out all hours.
Yes, when the mugger takes your ring, admit
to him you only paid seven goat balls for it
--It is very nasty of you to lie to him
about all the thousands and thousands
of dollars he'll think have at last fallen into his hands.
No, you needn't shed a tear for every duck you miss.
And, if you can't play well, just play
out of tempo (that way most people will think
you're playing too well for them to follow).
But NEVER be too eager to collect
the Devil's dues for Him (whenever there's
Hell to be paid): This has a terrible tendency
to bankrupt our humanity like all get-out.
And, no, it is not better
to have loved and lost, than to have loved with lust.
Yes, under our legal system, if
you have no reason whatsoever to kill somebody
--and you kill him--it is not as bad
as if there was a really really good reason to do it.
But, the problem with the perfect soldier
is that you can only send him
into certain death so many times.
Always save your swearing for a rainy day.
Wrong: EVERYBODY knows where racism comes from
--How far could we go with it if we didn't know?!
Yes, in the tide of human affairs
a few breaks are always bound to wave your way.
But the only time coffeecake keeps you awake
is while you're eating it.
Just because A LOT of Dilbert's 'people' have horns
like demons that might not necessarily mean
Scott Adams is a Devil worshiper (probably,
although I wouldn't just let it go at that
without at least looking into it
--if I were some of those
Fundamentalist Christians down under).
If you have a really good excuse
you don't have to listen to reason
(and if you never listen to reason
you already have a damn good excuse right there).
NEVER ask anybody to hold your cake
for you until you get hungry enough to ask for it back.)
Be careful what instrument you hedge your bets with.
And, it IS better to curse the darkness
than to go around like a madman
trying to beat it with a candle.
However, never show up at the dime store
with just a dime (they've seen it before).
No, the Film of The Year does not necessarily
come along more often than The Game of The Century.
But, yes, you get the same cheer of approval
and the same encouragement
when you tell people you've just lost 10 pounds
as you do when you really do lose the actual 10 pounds.
And that fellow who can dress up God
to his taste--any whichway he likes,
that fellow will take your shirt.
It is always better to be half an ass (than its hole).
Yes, "Anarchists Of The World, Unite!" IS
what the lunatic fringe is always
trying to say but may not.
And, geopolitics IS the art of getting
the peoples of the earth
not to throw the rocks in their heads at you.
But that person who can really give others Hell
--Who granted him his export license?
The Golden Mean is the one that's spotted
after it's been lying out in the Sun
long enough to get really, really hot to the touch.
But, "a man of means" and "a mean man"
(for some reason they always seem to hang around together).
No, it is not necessary to write jokes
about the people in Washington (most of the time
all you really have to do is just point them out).
Case in point: "Sir, are you the one
who wrote, 'I'm naked! I'm naked!
Wiggly-wiggly-wiggly' on the Internet?"
(Yes.) "You have the right to remain silent--"
All of us are taught at a very early age
how easy it is to fool people
(and most of us have the decency to forget it).
Every once in a while you go to a brand new movie
and you just know what's going to happen next
and know what's going to happen next
and KNOW what's going to... but, no,
it is NOT deja vu: it is a remake.
It is always better to resign in a jest than in a huff.
Definitely, your ideas are always better
(it's what you're thinking about that stinks).
And yet, where there are no thieves
and murderers--How can there be law & order?
No, Key Lyme Pie Disease is not cured
with antibiotics, it's cured with Key Lime Pies.
To those of you to whom (every time
you try them) mashed potatoes don't taste good
--Please stop trying them: I like them,
but, as long as every time YOU try them
they don't taste good, then I can't enjoy them
tasting good when you're not trying them, see.
No, you are not free to boast to people
that you are "all mobbed up"
if all you really are is
always surrounded by people everywhere you go,
the beach, mall, that popular Chinese restaurant.
No, you do not need to put on a helmet
before doing the smart thing to do.
However, always ask for a window seat
when you fly (that way if another plane
tries to cut yours off you can give it the finger).
Once halved it's useless to try to weld
whole wheat bread back up (or to kiss
shut a shark's lips with a seal once it's broken).
But it is always preferable to disengage
oneself from reality than to have to struggle
through a really messy divorce later on.
Oddly enough, it is NOT considered apropos
to cry out, "Hot dog!"
just before the alligators get you.
And it is utterly pointless to argue
that those who are able to afford health insurance
are already paying for those who, not
able to afford it, are now
only brought to an emergency room... to die.
Kids: Do NOT allow your parents
to take mud baths at their spa
until they first allow you to take one
out in the back of the house.
No, you do not get any credit
if you find Waldo at the bank.
"People Exchanging Meaningful Looks
Without Makeup" flopped at the box office?! Geech,
that's hard to believe! Isn't it? And,
"Naked Young Women Jiggling" is a hit!?
I mean, my God: It doesn't even have a plot.
(And so was forced to defy all the critics
before it could became a critical success.)
No, the class clown is not
the one with the pie in the face.
But the world IS beating its swords into ploughshares
(and its bows and arrows too, for the handles).
Yes, "I ain't gonna rob you blind
like all the other politicians" means
that apparently there are a lot more ways
of doing it waiting out in the wings than we imagined.
But, no, the Hottentots were not all
hyperactive little children.
The Federal Reserve does NOT have a second
National Debt stashed away in The Bahamas
somewhere (I hope).
But, yes, "Peace at any price" always means
that we are going to try to stick
somebody else with the tab... even if it kills us.
No, "We Are One!" does not mean YOU
are The One--You are the WE.
Ask not where the money for THE AID
will come from: Didn't you hear'em boasting
all over the world that YOU
are the most generous people on earth?!
Always carry an extra pair of shorts
(it is very difficult to know exactly
how to approach a fight with a naked man,
and some of the mothers know this).
There is no end to the ingenuity of the truly stupid.
Every criminal, without exception, regrets
his involvement in the crime
for which he is caught and punished.
But, no, trying to electrocute somebody
is not positive--It's very very negative
(I think), just don't hold me to it.
It is easier to get things done that are doable.
But you must never expect to be able
to take the moral high ground
without at least a couple of cock-eyed charges
up & down the place.
No, lifting some unbalanced guy's wallet
is NOT helping him straighten himself out AT ALL.
Always study all the angles very carefully
before you sign anything (and always study
the angler even more carefully still).
You are not supposed to wear your headstone
until you're dead (as silly as this may sound
when spoken actually using words).
No, white hair is NOT (necessarily)
a sign of wisdom, you also have to throw in
not painting it green.
It is not when or where
you throw a tantrum--It's on whom.
Always toward the highest rainbow
aim lowly black & white wings.
No, gett'n a Boy Scout to hold your hand
will probably NOT make it easier
for you to cross the Mob.
Yes, the answer to, "If you ever find out
where you go to get an idea
--bring one back for me, will'ya!" IS:
"What ever gave you the idea
that I'd go for one of yours
even if I found out where somebody like you
could possibly get one?"
Everybody talks about skinning a cat,
but how many have actually even so much
as tried to give one a lousy little bath?
Yes, in its intent, the process
of a congressional hearing IS, to some extent
intentionally, the exact opposite of the hearing process.
One needs not courage to face death
--Death doesn't at all mind
if it has to come up on you from behind.
As the most confused chefs know:
once you put your foot in it throw it away.
But, absolutely DO NOT show your
to that fellow you inadvertently discovered
to be Hollywood's most successful 'hit' man.
All our noblest ideals
are those of our former aristocrats
(which means that if ants had been duchesses,
injecting people with ACID
would now be the noblest thing a man could do).
Yes, it is quite possible for you
to suddenly turn up missing abruptly somewhere
without even the slightest clue how you vanished there.
No, the Navy does not promote its men
by running them up a mast to see who's saluted.
The dog was NOT the very first species domesticated
by Man (cockroaches or teenagers, one of them).
Pavarotti is absolutely not a broken-down turkey
in Spanish (I believe that's "pavo roto").
Of course men are not dumb, it's just that
men devote a substantial portion of their higher
brain functions trying to imagine!
(How you'd look naked.)
Never let anybody tell you the future
is unpredictable--Even I can predict your future:
You ain't got no money
you ain't gonna have it all your way
(and I don't even know you).
Yes: "Boo!" IS The Age-Old Riddle
of The Subconscious. But, no, not all
of King Arthur's nights
were noble (and no part whatsoever
of his drunken daze sunny at all).
Yes, "Prez sez tax goofs
are those who make honest mistakes,"
IS a mistake (I hope).
The most vulgar people of all
ALWAYS fight the tag tooth and nail.
Never stay with people trying to invent
the better mouse trap (and always
open all your luggage
outside your house after visiting them).
If we spent as much time solving our problems
as we waste trying to find out whom
to blame them on--what possible reason
could there be ever again for voting?
Never just give up the ghost
(try to get a couple of bucks
to go haunt somebody else).
Yes, the Church definitely ought to become
a bit less ethical and a lot more immoral
(to get more in step with the people it serves).
Remember: Happy parishioners
also leave their collection dishes dirtier!
Don't just hope you never have to see
the uglier side of people
--Tell'em you have a previous appointment.
Zhirinovsky is only the second
most dangerous man in the world today
--The most dangerous one is that fellow
who's been clicking his heels up & down your street
the past week (trying to get back to Kansas).
Absolutely: A rising tide lifts all boats
(whose owners have enough money for their up-keep).
It is OK to clean your plate at the table
(as long as you keep a civil tongue in your mouth).
In the end we are all just killing time
(even if not with as much sheer murderous glee
as in the beginning).
No, you do not have to wait until
exactly six burglars break into your home
to use your six-shooter (the law sez
you can shoot the first guy you see).
Never take too slippery a case to the Supreme Court
(and least of all on a peel).
No, you do not "cough up" a thousand dollars,
you go into surgery and convalesce
with a pained expression on your face for days
& days while staring at alcohol-filled containers.
Let sleeping dogs lie... and especially
if it's a really big whopper.
Drink as much and in as many places as you please
(but watch how you get plastered in Paris).
All human actions are aimed at checkmating
the possible reactions (and all rolls of the die
are aimed at leaving craps all over the other guys).
The reason you keep hearing that odd tapping
throughout the night is because the ghost is a foot.
To do an evil for a good cause IS the worst evil
you can do any good cause (in fact,
all the evil men do comes from just such causes).
The life-blood of France is cheese, not cheesie.
Wisdom takes in everything, and Ignorance tells all.
No, the British term for pimp
is NOT 'solicitor' (I imagine).
The better part of money is more money.
The problem is never when all the rules
go out the window (the problem
is what they are written on, and
how many floors up that window).
But never pitch manure
for a living... nor for fun either.
Teenagers are the souls that try the times.
And the reason You Shouldn't Trust People
is not because people are evil,
but because PEOPLE just plain out-and-out
DO NOT KNOW THEY DO NOT KNOW.
If you can't produce anything worthwhile
try producing something worth MONEY
(you'd be surprised how much easier that is).
A reminder, by the way: You are supposed
to use the phone when you call: "Nine One One!!!!"
No, the worst thing about any supposition
is NOT having to moon the nurse.
Our most unbelievable errors ARE
precisely the ones we are likely to repeat most often.
Yes, if things will have to get worse
before they can get better, by all means,
let's get things as bad as we can get'em then!
(What are we wait'n for!?)
Has anyone studied how long animals remain
at rest in one position, on the average,
before they then move on? (If no one has:
Please don't let anybody
even remotely connected with Congress know it.)
You might as well stop trying to figure out
who really won the fight you had
with that masochist you beat (before
you also lose your mind).
The only handicapped people allowed to park
in places reserved for the handicapped ARE
those who drive cars. (This means
all those footloose lamebrains are also barred.)
Yes, a law against making love at 4 AM
does spring to mind (it's called The Squeaky Springs Law).
Happiness is always only one short donkey ride away
(it's just that for some reason
we always seem to end up on our big dumb asses).
In most people's minds a pound of iron
will always weigh more than a pound
of fluffy straw--That's
where all politicians weigh in with their iron rice bowls.
No, the smaller they are the shorter their fall.
Snow mutes the world's clock (silently)
by the window's watch. (But, so what?!)
Even if the earth were flat
people would still drift away from each other
anyway (due to the continuing expansion
of the universe, or some such other mundane reason).
The difference between dogmatists
and pragmatists is that pragmatists don't bite
as a rule (or) naturally.
No, the rebuttal to: "You know
I'm not kidding, don't you!" is NOT: "Of course,
everybody knows you have no sense of humor, boss."
Never throw yourself on anybody's mercy
without first giving plenty of warning in advance.
And if you must kill someone, kill'im
(putting sugar in the poison just makes you look bad).
It is precisely because man is the only creature
capable of thought that he is the only one capable
of thoughtlessness (if you hadn't thought about it).
The quickest recovery from any foolish remark
IS to IMMEDIATELY attribute it to another fool.
Parents, please, don't fib to your kids:
Cows do not come from other cows, cows come from barns.
You can lead a horse to water--and that's
more than most people will do for each other.
He who runs away like a coward may indeed die
a thousand deaths, but that's still
999 resurrections ahead of the foolishly departed.
The worse part of Evil is that every time
it succeeds it gives a bad name
to the mechanisms of Success.
No, a holdup does NOT make you lose
more weight than a stickup (face it,
that's not fat you're dropping down there, chum).
Never go the way of the Titanic
(and not even if they offer you
free of charge accommodations first class all the way).
The worst kind of yahoo's the mute one,
not so much for the fuss he causes
as for the attention he demands (on top of it).
Never put a bug in anybody's ear
if you can't take the feedback.
And never explain what you mean
by what you say (it may get in the way
of somebody possibly finding
some meaning in what you're going on about).
One idiot on top of things IS worth thousands
of the best sort of people completely out of it.
Sooner turn your back on a charging bull
than on a smiling stranger
--You always have some idea
of the average bull's credit limit.
No, you are not a cinch
if the word you can spell best of all IS "bee."
Yes, the one time it is admissible to bite off
more than you can chew is in a fight
(as long as you don't spit it out in court, that's all).
The only social occasion where "We're
out of gas," is not simply an expressed hope
is that hot date that's going a mite faster
than the posted speed (where it should always smell funny).
Down the long, long stretch of life
you may have to trip your wife
to get ahead before you're dead
(and she is back upon her feet
stretching out for her next meet).
No, "Shooting Lawyers Clears Court,"
does not necessarily mean they've
started appointing more non-lawyers to the bench now.
Never drink a Cocolossal on the rocks, or
before heading out for the cliff
either (they'll crack you wide open every time).
It is only "The Attack of The 50 Feet Woman"
if you're talking Imelda Marcos in the starring role.
Genius is having a good spare tire
in your trunk WHEN you need it--Heck,
anybody can carry a spare tire around all the time.
Between old jobs disappearing and new jobs appearing
we'd better pray some of that
ole black magic spends a spell over our way.
If it's true that when people die earlier
it saves society money... then
the wealth of nations is truly the work of magic.
Yes, as many people as there are
in this world who are going to end up
being arrested (a lot more will end up
being arrested all their lives).
"End of The World! Seven Fatalities.
(Two others hurt real good.)"
The reason some people talk so much
IS precisely because they're not say'n.
Hmm... Soviet Intelligence duped the West
into thinking they were an economic superpower, thereby
forcing us to create ever greater & greater military
capabilities... which forced them to pillage themselves
in order to throw up an ever greater & greater
military defence force against us (yes,
I could see where the Soviets just might
have won the Intelligence Cold War at that).
Excuse me, but doesn't "temporary" insanity
imply the guy is already cured (and ready
to go on to the next crime he'll get away with
via some quite unforeseeable relapse?
Anybody tells you, "I've got $20 sez--"
just accept MONEY TALKS and leave it at that.
Never pursue a free life to the point
where it is no longer worth living.
If you wish to play a really dirty trick
on a starving man, take him to eat
at a five stars French restaurant (the bill
is your punishment for playing such a dirty trick).
The most dreadful shape a passing cloud can take
is that of an airplane falling your way.
For everybody's sakes be careful
where you aim to kick the bucket.
It is always the dumbest guys
who think about it too much.
The best sign that one has finally
joined the human race
is when one stops one's joining then & there.
Never judge a lawyer by his clothes
(no lawyer ever pressed
a client's suit as neatly as his own.
What lawyer--even under oath--
ever admitted he was defending a client
he knew to be guilty?
No, you never need the flashiest jewel
in the world to blind all eyes (only
the one you tell'em IS the flashiest).
Yes, the worst possible way to die IS first hand.
The plainest things fly the highest
(and the flight of fancy
shot out of the sky
is the lowest thing that crawls).
Always try to get your kicks from things
that can't get too far too fast. And never
go around standing on too high a pile of
arrogance over anything you don't really
want to get all mixed up in.
No, Al Capone would NOT have gone straight
even if society had provided him with
an honest day's pay for an honest day's work.
Who do you think could be telling
all those dumb criminals
how much we hate to punish people?
God knows they can't read.
Only fools believe they are infallible
(the Pope only claims it).
The best reasons for book burning
have already all been published.
And if, "It may or may not be toxic
but definitely tastes funny," then laugh best
(and don't count too much on
being that guy who's gonna be laughing last).
"I have been to the top of the world!
(And it's there, all right)."
No, macro economics is not
when all your financial problems are set aright
at the push of a keystroke (nor is
micro economics when the only way to check
your bank accounts is through a microscope--Thank God).
Absolutely: Things will always be getting better,
and things will always be getting worse
(the barber's business will always be
growing & growing, and falling a little off the top).
Yes, if you had a dollar for every dollar
you don't have you would definitely be rich now.
To most people the difference between a proper
and an improper fraction is just too tenuous
to be breached by any manners whatever.
Earn your rest (your work will pay for itself).
"Dear sirs, I HAVE sent you a Self-Addressed
Stamped-Envelope (SASE) several times...
but it just keeps coming back to me!"
The difference between poverty
and ingratitude... yields no results.
No, smoking doesn't kill you right away
--it kills you anyway.
Never drive an expensive car in the rain
without a hood (unless it's an exceptionally
cheap hood and he won't even put out
for his fair share of the gas).
Never marry a $2 woman who likes to treat you
to $1,000 bills. Nor a man who takes $1,000 bills
to the toilet of his dreams.
"Stop The Insanity? What are you--crazy?"
Could all this be a sign from God
that there really IS no God?
Yes, the best thing you can get anyone
for Christmas IS off the hook for a gift.
The highest seat is always neat unless,
"You're such a baby!" (when you eat).
He jests at stars that has
an extremely high sense of humor.
If they ever come up with a toilet
big enough, Roseanne is in deep trouble.
Yes, the way men learn how everything's
put together IS by breaking everything
when they're little boys.
But, before you get yourself into your virtual reality
helmet at the mall, check to see if the attendant
is charging people cash to watch you
in action... especially for those adult games.
You DO have the right to ask why they won't answer.
People who treat the lion like a lion
in the hope it learns to treat people
like people are just out & out turkeys
and ought to be put away before they get us all gobbled up.
Without proof Truth is of use only to
the Devil, and to villains and rogues, (which
means that if you can put Truth to any use
then you don't have to worry whether it's true or not).
Yes, "Too much!" can only be understood by
English-speaking people (but, "Keep the change!"
seems to be the same in every language on the face of the earth).
As time goes by a man does not so much
come to be more convinced of his convictions as
to dote on them more, drawing up papers of adoption,
and espousing them the world over
in both civil and religious ceremonies.
And, Frank doesn't mind being asked
if he's Frank, but Dom doesn't care ONE BIT
for people who aren't absolutely CERTAIN he's Dom
Never give it The Best Shot: Always give it
your best shot: If you try for The Best Shot
you might waste your whole life just trying to set it up.
No, you cannot break the chains that bind
human beings by waiting until they melt away
of their own (and it is also unsatisfactory
to wait for the chains themselves to melt away, by the way).
In this country, the Law IS made exclusively
by your approval (although in no way for it).
Sorry, but, no, that scumbag you got on tape
propagating his plants is not a pervert
(leastwise, not a very prosecutable one).
Yes, if you reek Vengeance, you stink.
Inspiration always yields more hot air
than art, (but perspiration makes everybody yield).
If you are thinking of holding up a bank,
always make sure that you weigh it very carefully.
If you won't learn all you can at least
try not to can all you've (already) learned.
The greatest gulf of grief and the last
possible drop of Hope are equal-size bodies
of water, (or they can both drown a man equally well).
Most promotions are relatives.
No, unisex is not everybody in the world
having sex at the same time.
Yes, you have to be awfully high to live on a hog.
No: "Having wonderful sex--Wish you were here!"
is NOT the best of all possible Valentine Day sentiments.
If you wouldn't know a squashed bug if you
stept on one... never try to think through an idea.
Looking at the post-50s world... yes, maybe
it WAS all that greasy kid's stuff
was keeping us from cracking up after all!
Yes, the North Korean Bomb IS
about to go off. But, no, it is not
considered polite to make little syringe signs
behind the backs of those 400 pound linemen (or smart).
If television programs didn't come with commercials,
when would we be able to TRY to even start thinking
about turning off the damn set!?
The root causes of violence are nurtured
with the horse manure of trying to understand it
instead of fighting it with all means available.
Even if your gum loses its flavor earlier than usual
it doesn't necessarily mean God doesn't like you any more.
Yes, people who have a lot of nerve feel pain a lot.
Women cannot be 'testy' (and no man ever
tried to get in touch with his feminine side
hard enough to get cramps).
Definitely, just say, "No!" to Crime (next time
somebody sticks a gun in your ribs laugh at him).
Anything you understand by way of
anybody who doesn't like it 'understands it'
you too will fail to like it (so
get Hell explained to you by the devil,
in case you ever find you have to spend some time there).
No, Della Sue Apache was not
the mistress Mozart wrote his famous song for.
The Key to Happiness in life is
the one you're trying to get out of there
so you can get in on it.
Yes, somebody tells you, "Time is money,
thank you for your time!" check your wallet
to see how much time he's taken.
No, a wake-up call for seven cannot be charged
to the other six sleepers (especially
if you're kind enough to let them sleep on).
Never take any sight-seeing tour
with a new boyfriend who wants to see
everything on the one date.
Will somebody ask Boris Yeltsin,
"If Russia prints more Rubles than toilet paper,
which do you think will be able to wipe out the other?"
Yes, Judge Walsh wasted our money and his time
(and if one could be pardoned by a member of
one's own bank-robbing gang, bank robbery would
without doubt become as decent a way
to make a living as is politics today).
The most thought-provoking speech in the world
is always: "I'm coming over with my gun! Click."
No man ever turned down sex for fear it might rub off.
Pollution is our waste (so the only sure way
to prevent it is to stop eating).
When the stranger with the gun asks you
to stick your fingers in his ears--Watch out!
Forgive all you can,
and forgive yourself all you cannot.
Character assassination is only possible
outside politics (if it concerns politicians
the correct term is "assisted suicide").
There are some people who should never get married
(unfortunately there is only one way to find them).
Before you give away all your material possessions
to go live atop that mountain
--call a ski lodge and ask them
what their rates are these days.
Yes, the germ of an idea IS
the principal cause of runny brains.
The trouble with knowing EVERYTHING is
that one then has to spend the rest of
one's life going, "Go ahead--Ask me something!"
It usually IS a miracle
when the guy who can psychoanalyze both God
and humanity knows enough
to keep his checking account balanced.
The Constitution definitely guarantees us
the right to believe or even to know
nothing at all (and our educational system as well).
Always be careful across what you get your points.
Final Draft: "Never pull the rug out
from under anyone that's
gonna make you fall flat on your face."
No, Bonsai trees are NOT bigger in Japan
--and they don't LOOK bigger, either
(they're just "very big" there, that's all).
The worst people to give the finger to
are NOT those who give it right back to you.
The reason fighter planes cost billions
to produce is not so much because we're
trying to make them turn on a dime
as because it's the government making'em.
What it means when a soldier disgraces the uniform
the whole army wears
is that it's probably the Scottish Army.
If you're ever caught lying
--Lie! Lie! Lie! some more on top of it.
And never let'em catch you napping (like Reagan).
The smut monger is precisely the one
who champions NOT sweeping it all under the rug.
No, you are not allowed to throw the dog
at the ducks even if you DO run out of bullets.
Never try to pull out anything
at the last moment (especially by a nose).
The reason one has to use tranquilizer darts
on dumb animals is that elected officials take millions
of dollars' worth of gifts & then tell you
with a straight face that they feel absolutely no
obligation whatsoever towards the gift givers:
"I spit on them!" (when they're playing tennis out
in Aruba somewhere), which, by the way, is the reason
our politicians are so universally admired
everywhere they vacation.
No, boiling dogs does not (normally)
constitute cruelty to animals.
"Failure always inspires a great redoubling
of effort in most people." (The reason why
no matter how high we go
we will never surmount the curb of failure.)
Never say anything flat-out (always
inflate yourself, have your say, then
excuse yourself and go flatten yourself
out where there's plenty of ventilation).
Your first duty is always to point out
the idiot running naked out in
the middle of the street (protected
by the unwillingness of those around him
to open their eyes to him); to cry out,
"There he goes!" and no matter
you may be damned as a pornographer.
Dear parents, you get what you raised.
(So don't go around whining
about their low--anything!)
Anybody know what "the-
rapy" is? (I got a letter from my doctor
saying I'm gonna be needing lots of it.)
Power always rules (in the dictatorship
it is the power of lies that rules,
while in a democracy it is the power of illusions).
Anytime you're beside yourself, by all means
do try to get a hold of yourself, by any means.
No, "Will it kill you to eat it?" is NOT
an acceptable alternative to, "What would you prefer?"
Yes, the art form that inspires the most violence
is music (which is why all armies march into battle
with a march and not one of the old
--and funny--Tom & Jerry cartoons).
Yes, I'm sure it's just a coincidence
that most people who are trying to find themselves
always end up somewhere near you.
Never try to save your skin
while you've still got all
your nerve endings attached to it.
People always tend to say,
"Have a nice day!" a lot more often
towards the end of the day.
Of course not: Just because you found,
"Is this broad crazy--or what!" doodled
on your analyst's pad
it doesn't necessarily mean he's been doodling you.
Never fight a shark over your flotation device
(and under it... least of all).
If you need a lesson in name-calling
then you are obviously an idiot
and a jerk (yes, there really is no way out of this).
It is perfectly acceptable to kiss
any frozen assets (off or on, yours, or
anybody else's for that matter).
You can still get perfectly pickled
without flipping yer lid behind you.
A man may indeed be what he can make
out of what he knows, but if he knows everything
in the world except the narrow bit
by which he is judged, then he might as well know
nothing at all, for nothing much will be made of him.
In this great country of ours no business
can hit its millionth customer & escape being sued.
Yes, the guy walking the street in his pajamas
WILL misunderstand your friendly offer of a nightcap.
Always make sure you back up a flimsy lie
with a solid percentage number.
Yes, Mr. Rangel, it IS better to take a 20 year-old
and give HIM a sentence of life
than to wait to see how many innocent victims
he can give death sentences to.
However, DO try pyramid power (anything
which can both preserve youth
and age wine at the same time is definitely worth a shot).
If you lose your job you are supposed to
look for another one (not the one you lost).
Nothing ever again costs the same money
(they always ask for new money every time).
For some people it's just easier to go ahead
and slash the tires on the mortician's hearse
than to have to eat an apple every single
day of their lives for the rest of their lives.
No, you do not qualify as marooned
if that was the only color dress left in the shop.
Peoples who do not write down their history
eventually grow to believe they represent
humanity's highest civilization (and those who DO
write down their history make sure
they put down that theirs is far, far above that).
But the ancient Egyptians could NOT
have built the pyramids 'cause they were obviously
nothing like us (having been mostly lemurs
and mongooses, along with a handful of cocker-spaniels
interspersed among them as overseers).
If you are going to be killed by a bug, yes,
it is definitely preferable
that it should be a microscopic one.
Always take care what instrument
you clean out the corners of your mind with.
Always apologize to anyone who calls you names
(if for no other reason than the sheer
perverse pleasure you can get
from getting such people all worked up).
After difficult and painful consideration... we are
FORCED to admit that we were right
and you were wrong. (Surprise!)
Yes, it's OK to step on a few toes
(but asking'em to take their shoes off is pushing it).
I have always longed to understand existence,
reality, the mysteries of life
in a nutshell (unfortunately, I've never been able to
fit myself into a nut shell, so, from now on
I am going to try to do it in a Tylenol capsule).
Never hire Milli Vanilli as your mouthpiece
(and most especially of all
if it sounds exactly like F. Lee Bailey).
People who are always demonstrating
how ready they are to give their lives
for their country (so they can live
in their own country in dignity) ARE
demonstrating just why it is they should be laughed at.
Yes, black rage (and white rage
to go with it) excusing murder and mayhem
--in a vacuum--may finally be that long-sought
solution to the problems of overpopulation.
Whoever asks you for a dollar for God
and does not IMMEDIATELY send it on
to God by any (even the most matchless) means
--He is not so much making a bum out of God
as just bumming off you.
Yes, dribbling over a basketball IS a foul thing.
You are only supposed to lick
the icing on the cake WHEN it is
in some manner or form connected with an actual cake.
Yes, you can definitely be driven to an early grave
(they don't all open at the same time).
Man of straw gets burned very easily.
(And woman of steel will not be there when you wake up).
It's OK to blow your paycheck (just
make sure you don't get any spit on it
so the digits won't run off on you).
Everybody's Defense of THEIR Own Outrages:
"How dare you be outraged
by my outrages when there are so many other outrages
out there just as outrageous?! It is... outrageous!"
Perfection itself will outrage
the man who is leading a perfect existence.
No, butchering half a dozen people
is not proof you're seriously emotionally
disturbed (you must also have a serious chat
about it with a Court-appointed
psychiatrist): "Get outta here!"
If you could spell PERFECTLY
you wouldn't need to write PRETTY GOOD.
It ALWAYS behooves all horses.
Final Draft: "When Evil is winning,
doing nothing backs it up all the way."
No, Common Sense & Reason
are not admissible in Court, as evidence(d).
Beauty always washes out a lot of the stink.
Wouldn't all the millions the Pentagon is
now spending trying to break the over-land speed
record somewhere out in the desert
--which they set--be better spent
to find out how high we can get a toad of money
to jump up into some vast bottomless swamp?
There is no such a thing as a cool million
(that's just a reflection of
how hot one can get when one gets that close to one).
Show this bum just who I am!"
"I said who, not what!"
Yes, the guy whose passion is the Law
IS the guy most likely to be caught screwing it.
Ironically, people who resign under a cloud
usually have the worst possible
sense of timing of anyone.
No, half way into that bottle of booze
is not the time to ask them to pass you
--up your behind--the building materials for
that boat you've always been meaning to build
in there, no sir.
Try the glib solution FIRST
--your shoe's busted, fix it.
This business of, "Shoe's busted? Let me see
if I can get NASA to take you where you're
going by way of the moon..." No:
first try fixing your shoe.
The principal cause of needless repetition
is stupidity (which, not coincidentally, just
also happens to be the best motivation for getting
into one of those commercial exercise regimes).
Stupid people achieve stupid things.
(So never underestimate the ability of
anything stupid becoming a reality.)
Step One is always to make sure
you get a car for your driving ambition.
Yes, the greatest risk you run
when you do witticisms is insulting the half-wits.
What is Hope? Hope is that first brilliant thing
you can chuck over the side
without any regrets
when riding a paper boat down a lava flow.
It is not firewalking that's
the outstanding trick, it's firestanding.
He jests at bars
that there never met a serious thug.
The difference between the torchers
and the torch-bearers is that the torchers
must always follow after the bearers
otherwise they wouldn't be able to see anything before them!
Dressing well may be a sign of respect
for others, but getting your clothes dirty
helping somebody is the better sign of respect
for anyone every time.
You can ALWAYS carry an immovable principle too far.
Poetry IS. Prose is all about
what it's all about. (So, as you see,
the difference is bulk.)
The secret to a long and happy life
IS not looking in the mirror too often.
Yes, it's a very good thing indeed
that every 20 minutes or so a new animal species
becomes extinct--Imagine how awful it would be
if it were one of the ones
we've grown so used to having around!
All life is bunk. (And if it weren't for
the bunco squad it'd probably be even bunkier.)
In a nation of shopkeepers fewer people throw them away.
Do not pray for God to bring the mountain
down to your own level--unless you want the whole thing
on your head (pray for the strength you will need
to keep from pushing yourself higher than you need to go).
Your dander will always be up
the instant you run out of dander shampoo.
Always hold off burning your bridges behind you
until the river is dry (you will NOT
believe how much it cuts down on regrets).
The reason those men you see walking the streets
naked every now and again are seldom arrested
is that they just walk too fast for the cops after'em.
With children it's ALWAYS the more the marry-er.
If you wish to make yourself invaluable:
Do, Do & Do! YES: "do do" (the most precious
person of all is that worthless goldbrick).
If you are the type that can be knocked over
with a feather--God help what may get you knocked up.
When reporting for your citizenship swearing in,
be careful not to get yourself deported
for swearing a mite better than you have to.
No matter how many times the Past
has been corrected--we shall never know it
(and, no matter how inevitable our future,
we shall never cease trying all our lives to adjudicate it).
NEVER kick a truly big ass.
Yes, in most men's minds the only thing better
than a naked woman IS a naked woman dressed up
to look like there's an even better naked woman under there.
When every last crime in the world
must be condemned before any one crime
in particular is condemned--Don't expect there to be
time ever again in this world for the condemnation of any crime.
No, taxidermists do NOT stuff cabs
any better than anybody else.
The Secret of The Universe is: "Psst!"
And the last syllable of Time: "Aghhh!"
Every man holds a portion of the universal truth
--that's why life outside civilization
never amounts to a hill of beings.
Always aim with the greatest care
(it's not just only sometimes
the hunter brings down a lot more
than he can EVER take back).
The beginning of existence is unimaginable
(especially at this stage of the game).
Worse than the chicken marrying the fox
is the chicken marrying the duck
(believe it: the bath will go on & on).
Progress only exists where it is validated
(which is why all but the very select few
know what century this is).
Eternal failure is no indication of eventual success
(later on). Nor is runaway success any guarantee
that you won't get all run down.
It IS impossible to escape the mob (people
are always going crazy in all possible ways).
Unfortunately few of us ever feel totally free
until we've also cut ourselves lose
from all reason as well.
People with moth-eaten souls
will always try to mothball
the lives of everyone around them.
By the way, it boggles the mind, not the nose.
No, "CEO" does not stand for
"Creepy Egotistical Overlord" (in some cases) only.
"Spotting a ball of air in the atmosphere"
is more action than Zen poetry allows
an image. Yet, "The mule deer is stubborn, but
well liked" is eight syllables short of
being one serious Haiku.
The reason creationists can be 100% certain
monkeys can't think abstractly
is because they've asked them, I believe.
Man IS only an intellectually sophisticated parasite,
yes, and a clump of grass can knit life itself
out of the very sunshine (and
without moving a finger either).
Yes, CIA spy Ames should get the maximum sentence
our system of justice allows (12,000 years
followed immediately by an all-out, no-holds-barred
monumental struggle to keep him from being paroled
at least once every third week).
Do everything in the world you can do
(and you may yet do something in this world).
No man can serve two masters the
same piece of cheese cake (so he might as well
Never say, "I'm right." Always say:
"I am right. You are wrong." (Just in case
you're one of those people... people always expect
are always going to talk only about themselves.)
When all the horses in the room (you are in)
start talking at the same time,
the way to find out which one's the one
actually making sense is with a lump of sugar
--No, wait a minute, I think that's
how you know when your mind is beginning to wander.
The man who knows everything there is to know
about Doritos is NOT a learned man
--and no matter how much he knows about Doritos.
Never put your best foot forward
(keep it in reserve, instead).
If you're one of those people
who just never seem to get it
(watch where you stick your antenna).
Infinite, eternal wisdom
is the narrow focus of all madness.
But the first thing we all learn
IS how extremely important it is to pretend
that we know a lot more than we do.
Heroes and fools ALWAYS join
opposing armies, or--Ask'em!
Sorry, but a bomb scare
never works on the bomb itself.
Yes, it's OK to frame your loved ones
(just be careful not to leave fingerprints on them).
First Draft: "Never do any harm unto others
that will immediately cause any harm unto you."
The superior man is superior
by virtue of his crushing effect on others.
People's highest Ideals
are all selfish deals all right!
Never wait longer than 24 hours
before you repudiate your briefs.
No, putting on a Depends
does not qualify as a top secret installation.
No, you will not have any trouble at all
knowing when Christ returns (He will be the one
who speaks the painful truth that heals
and gets himself hurt by it).
By the way, who the hell this Jack Kevorkian guy
thinks he is going around saving people
from unbearable suffering without first asking
permission from every Tom, Dick & Harry?!
Americans are not just interested in
only making money; Americans are only
interested in making a lot of money."
No, people didn't stop wearing hats when they found out
that hats didn't suit them (a lot of them
actually had to be corralled by the morals squad).
The best cowards
always let you know right off the bat
(the worst ones always make you sweat it out a bit).
Best of all, it is always better
NOT to have to be lucky at all.
First make your reputation incorruptible.
(Then cash it in before it rusts out
so that you have to junk it anyway).
The Last Straw
is exclusively reserved for starting up Armageddon.
Life IS a constant struggle
to make everyone in the world acknowledge
--So is it really any wonder we fight so much!?
Yes, "The master's eye fattens the horse."
(It's just that most masters are too blind to see it.)
No, firefighters are not required
either by code or regulation
to fight the fire fairly (only fiercely).
"The way of the flesh" is always
towards the refrigerator (unless
we're talking inferior flesh here,
then the grave with you!
Sometimes the player most responsible
for moving the ball never even lays a hand
on it (which may also explain
why their teams lose a lot, by the way).
Yes, "We'll gladly refund your money" IS
the preferred euphemism for, "Guilty, your honor!"
You always know who the idiot is
--He is the one you know you can NEVER call an idiot.
NEVER low-ball your hurdles.
Adam's one great unpardonable sin was, and
remains, that he wanted to be just like his dad.
Now that everyone and his dog's remembering
their parents sexually molested them,
can anyone still remember back when we were all
absolutely convinced our parents couldn't possibly
have EVER even had sex at all, especially with each other?
Never lie down with the lion (nor
with the lamb, for that matter).
Depressed is when you feel rotten
for no reason at all (when you have
a reason for feeling rotten it's called just pressed).
Every last holder of the minority opinion
is always astounded to find things are the way they are.
Yes, it is called due process
because it might yet pay off.
No, it's not "Me, The People..."
(Check it again.)
You're not supposed to pluck a chicken
with a guitar (even if it's not illegal).
"Clothes make the man." (And now you know
why suits are taking down so many men.)
Yes, underwear doesn't always go with overalls.
Yes, "average-looking" means
"extraordinarily homely" in human terms.
But, no, "Dance!" does not work
just as well with hand grenades.
The homeopathic doctor
is one doctor to whom you do not need to give
your home address... what doctor is?
The guy who goes and gets himself killed
is not the prime suspect (and not even
if he deserves to be).
You can always tell when a guy's brakes
have given out (and usually that's about
the last thing you can tell about people like that).
Yes, political party hacks are the vehicles
when they go from one position to the next.
Atlana's Atlanta in Georgia. (It's just that
it's a poor state and they don't have the couple of bucks
it would take to change all the signs.)
The funniest bit is always when the lion bites off
the head of the lion tamer (not afterwards).
Intolerance of evil is the greatest good. (And
the greatest evil is the idea that we know exactly
the difference between good and evil.)
But you're just fooling yourself
when you give money to that guy who's
hell-bent on jumping into the first bottomless hole
in the ground he comes across.
Sometimes the grounds upon which
you make your stand not only betray how much coffee
you've had... but how much you should'da.
Never postpone a good time on account
of a headache. (You can always enjoy it at a later time.)
Those who live by the letter of the Law
also trip on "O...O!"
Yes, there are people who only look fat.
(Just like there are people who only act evil.)
The flip side is ALWAYS a little nuttier.
It's easy to second guess those who guess first.
Actually, Germany has been rather lucky
(it has only had one real Nazi, Hitler,
and just one single real Communist, Honicker.
Old Indian saying:
"Man who turn back on snake heading wrong way."
Yes, the correct reply to, "I know you?"
IS: "Yes: You no me. I somebody else."
And, "May I ask you a question?" IS a paradox.
I believe that's
your "better half," NOT your "lowest denominator."
Cess pooly clean!
Cess pooly clean!
You're not fully clean until you're
Cess pooly clean!
"I am a born Democrat!"
because one just don't know no better
when one's a baby.
Yes, tarantulas often hide in their burros
(so be careful when riding them burrows).
Wouldn't it be something if
we'd been looking for intelligent life out there,
they'd land, and instead of talking philosophy
& astrophysics, all they'd wanna do is
go bowling? It'd be like... "Ok,
these are not the guys, so
let's start the search again from scratch."
News Item: Today Bill Gates
gave 3.3 billion dollars to charity
--He said he couldn't've folded his
wallet back in his pocket otherwise.
White Christmas: "I've got an itch in my pocket
--just like the ones you used to get
(where you scratch & scratch it
and try to patch it
... but it never goes away).
May each itch you get goes away,
and may all your itches make my day."
Yes: The reason God does not answer us
is not that the answers are beyond us
but that He knows we will choose to believe
that those can't REALLY be the answers.
Scientific study: Researchers found
that when they kept people shut in a cave
with nothing to do for days
they tended to sleep a lot.
The coward never has to prove he's a coward,
but the brave man must keep proving he's brave
to the end.
In a fight of low blows
the smallest man usually wins.
If you're gonna die--die all the way:
There's nothing worse than getting stuck
Yes, free speech is free speech, but
if I say, "Joe, go over there & kill that guy."
And Joe does it. I think I should face
SOME legal consequences for exercising
my First Amendment right to free speech.
A lawyer who knows his client is guilty
and still seeks to get him off
is a criminal himself. And a lawyer who knows
his client is guilty and says he believes him innocent
is the greatest threat any society faces.
Yes: lawyers should never be viewed as
officers of the Court. Lawyers should be viewed
for what they are: Accomplices after the fact.
(And if one wanted to be a successful serial murderer
one couldn't do better than becoming a prosecutor.).
But at some point we are going to have to
stop sentencing people for what they intended
and begin sentencing them for
the actual damage they actually did.
"Now you too can make money out of the misery
of your fellow human beings,"
--Foreclosure Magazine Order #108604338
Oldest woman in the world dies:
"It took us all by surprise," family told KLTV
Yes: The Path to Righteousness
begins at the point one finally acknowledges
that it is not where one is.
"To thine own self be two." --Schizo.
"How does one know whether one
is praying to God or to The Devil?"
Easy: If you're praying for something Good
you're praying to God, and
if you're praying for something Evil
you're praying to The Devil--pure & simple.
Careful: When you're just hanging around
people start to believe you're acting like your nuts!
"Hey, I take a bath every day--No, wait,
I dream I bathe every day. Oh well,
it's the thought that counts." Sure!
"Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Lend me your ear!"
--Let down your hair!
"Yo, Rapunzel! Lend me yo ear, bitch!"
The only true Time Paradox I know
is that the older you get
the younger everybody around you gets.
Clarlie Chan say, "Better sometime
to be charitable with poor than with money."
Yes, some people benefit Mankind with their lives
--and others with their deaths.
The young don't appreciate being called young,
the old don't appreciate being called old,
the ugly don't appreciate being called ugly,
and even when you call the beautiful beautiful
they think you're after something--And you wonder
Truth has such a hard time in this world?!
Yes, "Our hospital's motto is: Your money or your life!"
Kids: "Niggers! Niggers!"
Parents: "What the Hell'r you doing?!?
You want those niggers to come over here
and beat us up?!" [America passes
its racial modes to its children.]
No crook will ever really be convinced
that there are honest people in this world.
You've just got your reality check:
"Sometime better to hit head with mallot
than with idea." --Charlie Chan
But, Life is absolutely predictable
--except by the ignorant.
NEVER try to quiet down anybody flinging shit.
The most important factor in a marriage
is to make sure you have as many brothers-in-law
as it takes for at least one of them
to take care of his mother.
Yes, in your legal system the better your reason
for killing somebody the greatest your penalty
--whereas I believe it should be the other way around:
You fart & somebody dies... lethal injection (and
if your reason for killing somebody is even just
good enough... then they should give you a medal).
Beauty may be transitory, but
I only need her a half an hour or so.
Overcoming the fear of public speaking!?!
Hell, I believe we should be encouraging it.
The man of true worth
knows that if he but waits long enough
eventually everything's reduced to his price.
(And, yes, Love is when one
values anybody... way more than they're worth)
"Man without enemies
is like dog without fleas
--sadly lacking contact with
others of his kind." --Charlie Chan.
No, "Necesito su apoyo" is
not, "I need your chicken" in Spanish.
But, yes, when a politico is heard
saying, "Public service is a noble undertaking"
it means he's already planning our funeral
No, it is not, "Do you know me?"
It's, "Do we know each other?" (The former
is strictly reserved for amnesiacs.)
Don't you just hate people
who, after you've solved The Riddle of The Universe,
come up and tell you, "Yes, that's exactly
the solution I had in mind!"
How can we tell the wise man from most people?
Well, the wise man knows he knows not
--while most people do not know they know not:
So most people will assume they know
what's around the corner and
crash into the wall they'll find there.
A little pain never hurt anybody.
Yes, the need of the many
can't hold a candle to the need of the one
(who decides whose need outweighs all others).
He: "Do you love me forever
or as long as my money lasts?"
She: "Well, let's try for as long as your money lasts:
There's always time enough for forever."
Always leave your friends with expectations
(your enemies will always lie in wait).
Wise is the man who has learned not to live
in the past, and happy indeed is he
--For where else can a man be happy
except where he is?
Yes, almost is a million miles off.
But, Life is short
although its days are long.
The best time to write a poem is
when it can't wait to be written.
And Love is the key to every lock.
But NEVER turn your back on anybody
who has already stabbed somebody else in the back.
Do your best
& forget the rest.
Yes, overspending in the pursuit of money
is no vice; nor overeating in the pursuit of dieting
Yes, only the madman would try to be deep
--The rest of us are trying our darnest to be lucid.
Never ask yes\no questions
if you're trying to find out anything
--only if you want the answer to be either yes or no.
Yes, the difference between poetry and prose
is that, apparently, when people read poetry
they pronounce more of the syllables
than when they read prose.
It is bliss
to live without ever
knowing what you've missed.
Unfortunately, an awful lot of people
like to lessen their own pains
by sharing them.
But I agree with Clinton
that we have the right to lie when we have to
(lying when you don't have to,
yes, that is criminal).
O.J. guilty? Oh, yeah!
Unlike the jury, I saw the trial.
Everything you seek most desperately
will eventually turn up
--when you least need it
(and now you know how to find it).
Indeed: You should have been
more thorough in your haste.
But if there's one fundamental truth
about the human experience
it is that STINK STICKS!
(So keep a proper distance
from your stinking fellow men).
Perfection is a one-inch inch.
But, Memory is our worst punisher.
Those peoples that do not rule themselves
are always exploited by their rulers.
And the fastest way to do something
is to do it right.
You are your job.
(My God, I'm nobody!)
I am a Democrat, so I always vote Republican
--that way it forces the Democrats to come up with
better candiates (next time).
The Law only applies to those who get caught.
Racism is inevitable
--Which is the best family in your neighborhood?
Yours? No, mine! (Nough said.)
People who drink out of the house are big and strong.
No, U-Haul does not maintain a handy supply
of Jewish fellows at each outlet to help you move.
Yes, the ACLU's position is that punishment
is cruel and unusual punishment (and
has succeeded in making it the law-o-the-land).
In the end, once we realize what we've done is stupid
we then reconstruct it in some other stupid way.
And, no, a monkey with a reprehensible tail
is not one with a tail that can be prehensile more than once.
It is always easier to find a smaller pond
than to pump oneself up into a bigger frog.
The people, ah, the people
--First thing any two 'people' get together think
is... THEY are The People. But, no,
the buck does not stop with Congress (it ruts there).
And, no, "Don't improve nothing--Just make
better commercials!" is NOT the First Amendment.
But an hour has no more existence than an inch.
"Yet think all we can fit into an hour!" --True,
but scientists now are convinced the entire Universe
once could have fitted quite comfortably within an inch.
P.S. When there is no answer... ask another question.
Ah, another day, another inch closer in the sea of infinity.
And, finally: No, it is not how many things you do
--It is how well you do your things, however few or many.
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